02x10 - Janet's Boyfriend

[bunniefuu]

APPA: Okay, see you.

Excuse me? Can I please
use your washroom?

- Of course. Just in the back.
- (BABY CRYING)

WOMAN: Thank you.

Oh, you want me hold
baby while you go?

Oh. No, it's not for me,
it's for Ocean.

- You're going to ocean?
- No, well, yes, sometimes.

"Ocean" is my baby's name.

Oh. Very interesting name.

It's a boy or girl?

Oh, I'd rather not say. We don't want

to put any gender expectations on her,

or him.

- So, in the back?
- Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, wait! You forget the diaper.

But no problem, we sell.
Good price, too.

WOMAN: No, we don't use diapers.

Uh-huh?

We're practicing

the Elimination Communication method.

I think he/she need a diaper.

It's a totally natural
environmentally aware...

(EXCLAIMS)

- (BABY COOS)
- Yeah.

No problem. We also sell paper towel.

Gender neutral. Good price, too.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)


- (TV PLAYING)
- Is it supposed to be funny

when he puts the mask on,
or takes it off?

That's the thing.
It plays on so many levels.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- GERALD: Hey, Raj.
- Hey.

Hey, you guys wanna order some food?

We have popcorn.

Janet has popcorn, she's not sharing.

I can.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Did you...

Good thing this isn't your job.

RAJ: How would this be a job?

- (CHUCKLES)
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

It's my parents. Everyone shut up.

Why would we have to shut up?

Shh!

- Hello.
- Janet.

- Hey, Appa.
- What you're doing?

Nothing, just hanging out by myself.

Say hi for me.

- Who's that?
- Gerald. He just came in.

GERALD: Hey, man, you like Vietnamese?

JANET: Yes.

I'm man. Gerald calls me "man"
sometimes 'cause we're bros.

APPA: I don't care.

Need you to work tomorrow.
Okay, see you.

Oh, wait. No, Appa I can't...

I feel like I missed something.

My parents don't know about Raj.

I meant in the movie, but I got you.

Her parents are a little intense.

And we're pretty caj. Casual.

Keeping it on the DL. Down low.

It's super clear now.

So, are we still in a sensitive area,

or can we talk about dinner?

- What do you feel like?
- What about Indian?

Or would you prefer Korean?

What?

As if.

I thought you were studying.

I am, people keep messaging.

Well, guess we have to shut that down.

Really?

You can have it back when you're done.

- (MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)
- (PEOPLE WHOOPING)

(SCOFFS) Someone's having a good time.

You want me to talk to them for you?

No, it's cool.

Hey, remember that party at Cowboy's,

where you took a bath?

Yeah, my shirt was on fire.

Yeah, but why take a bath?

Because you were in the fridge.

I was in the fridge.

- Man, that was a wild night.
- Yeah.

You know, I don't think
we've had a party

since I moved in here.

Really?

Come to think of it,
when was the last time

- we even went to a party?
- (MUMBLES)

Dude.

- We're having a party.
- A rager.

The kind where you wake
up the next morning

and it's still happening.

Friends, girls, strangers...

That weird guy who only wants
to be in charge of music.

(LAUGHING) Yeah,
just like in high school.

Well, technically, you're
still studying high school.

So, it is a high school party.

Well, let's not call it that.

- But party!
- Yeah! A party!

BOTH: Whoo!

Or we could just crash
the one down the hall.

Not on a school night.

There's too many "eights" in that row.

Book make mistake. See?

Hmm.

Answer is a mistake, too.
I get different book.

Ah, Mr. Kim.

You remember my son, Raj?

Hi, Mr. Kim, it's been a while.

APPA: Hello, Raj, you daddy
talk about you all the time.

MR. MEHTA: Please, Mr. Kim.

The Mehta men wear flattery
like an ill-fitting cap.

Humility is our greatest attribute.

I can tell.

- You remember Janet?
- Hey.

Hey.

Janet practically runs the store, now.

Not really.

Tell Mr. Kim
how you will soon graduate

top of your medical class.

You just do.

He's on the precipice of great things.

Janet in university, too.

- Kind of.
- Thanks, Appa.

- Art school.
- I think it's great.

Ah, there she is,

the matriarch of the Kim dynasty.

Hello.

Nice to see you, too. (CHUCKLES)

Sink is clog again.

I tell you stop dumping coffee ground.

Well, we're off. Raj is taking
me to a full-priced movie.

He won't even let me
sneak in our snacks.

We will be purchasing them.

Again, full price. The mind boggles!

Okay, see you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Why he always doing
like kiss-kiss kiss-kiss?

Maybe it's an Indian thing.

It's creepy thing. Mehta men.

- I go fix sink, now.
- JANET: Mmm-hmm.

Maybe we get the
coffee powder machine, hmm?

No, they too smart. Make me nervous.

(SIGHS) Janet.

(GRUNTS)

RAJ: (WHISPERS) Surprise!

Why didn't you tell me you're coming?

Hmm.

JANET: Call me. RAJ: Bye.

(APPA SIGHS)

Mehta men.

What do you mean, "Maybe"?
You gotta come.

It's gonna be crazy, like,

punch the wall, hide your CDs crazy.

You guys still have CDs?

I got a Pac CD
signed by Shania Twain.

Feel like there's a story there.

- You just heard it.
- You should come.

Sure, sounds like fun.

Oh, I'm definitely going,
if I can find a babysitter,

'cause I'm supposed to babysit.

- Are you good with kids?
- Not usually.

Hey, I heard about the party.

I'm really looking forward to it.

Yeah, I was just about
to fire you off a note.

Kimchee didn't mention
if it was dinner

or just drinks, or maybe tapas...

Oh, definitely not dinner,

but there'll be some bowl
food and bags of stuff.

We'll bring an appetizer.

Oh, no, it's really
not that kind of...

Oh, I insist,
I know what hosting's like.

I helped Alejandro

throw a work wine and
cheese last week.

I put little flags in the cheese,

so people knew where it came from.

But then people took the flags out

to cut the cheese. Ugh, it was chaos.

Nobody knew what they were
eating. I mean, yes, cheese.

But was it Manchego,
or cave-aged Gruyere?

Anyway, I'll bring cheese and flags.

Well, you don't have to.

Like I said, it was pretty casual.

Oh, I love it.

I'm so excited to see your place.

I've always wondered what
your apartment looks like.

I mean, I wonder what
all of my employees' places

looks like and not just yours.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

But we will be there Friday

to see your place.

(SIGHS)

- So, how is store?
- Fine.

Hmm. No trouble?

Someone paid with
a sock full of change,

but I'll let you count it.

- Interesting.
- Not really.

No special visitor? No kissing bandit?

- Were you spying on me?
- No.

I see you when I stocking
drink that you forget.

- You were spying.
- Not spying,

just walking and looking.

Don't tell Umma, she'll freak.
Besides, it's not serious.

Look serious.

Well, I guess it could be
serious one day,

maybe, I don't know.

- What?
- I not say anything.

Can't two people just...

I mean, why does everything have to be

like a whole, you know...

Yeah.

Don't tell Umma, please.
She's gonna ruin everything.

Don't worry. I'm like a safe.

No secret escaping this.

You know, your Umma afraid of giraffe?

No.

Because it's a secret in Appa safe.

It was a secret.

Free sample for new customer.

Safe closing, now.

Whoa!

If you need money, just ask.
Don't pawn my stuff.

I'm just taking this
stuff down for the party

to protect it.

Shouldn't we keep the good
stuff out where we can see it?

I guess, it's just,
we're not , you know?

Shouldn't we have like nicer stuff?

We have nice stuff.

Most of which is mine,
and it's in my apartment.

Well, I have been here
almost three years,

so you could argue it's our apartment.

You'd lose that argument.

Yeah, but practically speaking...

- Is your name on the lease?
- I'm not sure.

- Your name on the bills?
- It's included in the rent.

It's included in your rent.

All I'm saying is, maybe we
should get some frame prints.

- Some curtains, towels.
- We have towels!

You have a towel, I have a bath mat.

Huh. Third towel. I like it.

Swap out the Doritos
with some appetizers.

Get some wine and craft beer.

I found a great soul coffee
playlist on Spotify.

I see what you're doing.

You're trying to make
our party all lame

because Shalejandro is coming.

What? No. Are they even?

It's gonna be a great time.

And I figured if
we're gonna throw a party,

we might as well go all out.

Hmm. Pimp the place up.

Yeah, I wouldn't say "pimp," but yeah.

Maybe even get a door for my bedroom.

Ooh, pimp Jung a door!

Well, like a high end pimp.

Classy escort door. Got it.

UMMA: Mmm.

- Oh, that's a nice...
- Yeah.

Mrs. Mehta show to me.
She is so crafty.

They is nice family. (CHUCKLES)

How she ended up with Mr. Mehta?

Ah, he not so bad. Good businessman.

And smart, too.

He know all
downtown free parking spot.

- What you talking?
- Nothing.

You're not telling me something?

No.

Well, if it's about Janet,
she already tell me.

About, uh, you know...

No. I don't know. Who?

Boy. She don't want to tell you.

Worried you can't keep secrets.

Ha! She already tell me.

That's what she want you to think.

- But I see her and Raj.
- Raj?

(EXCLAIMS)

- Raj Mehta?
- No.

Raj, uh, Smith.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Janet really like him.

And he's a good boy,
going to be doctor.

And you like Mrs. Mehta.

Besides, you sneak att*ck
so can't say anything.

Janet is happy?

Yeah.

She act kind of weird.

I think that means she's happy.

- Raj is nice to her?
- I think so.

- How long you keep secret?
- Six hour.

New record.

Yo, I just got us an amazing deal

on a new couch, delivery included.

Oh! That's cool.

What did I do? Oh, yeah, not much.

Just found a set sale
at a prop warehouse.

- Delivery not included.
- Whoa.

Roman pillars, New York City.

A timber wolf.

All of mankind's greatest
achievements in one van.

- That's, uh...
- Awesome.

- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- I know. I was like,

"Get in the van before
they change their mind."

- Is that a cauldron?
- You tell me.

- It is.
- Now I know.

Yeah, this is all great,

but, uh, we should see how it works

in the space before we
commit to anything.

See how it goes with the new couch.

Wolves go with everything.

Looked a lot smaller in the store.

How'd they get it in here?

Did I mention it was half-off?

There's another half?

UMMA: Ah, Mrs. Mehta.

Mr. Mehta.

- Mrs. Kim. (LAUGHS)
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

You don't mind the kiss-kiss?

Better her than me.

- Hmm.
- Exciting news is at hand.

Raj just told us he's engaged.

MR. MEHTA: I wanted to tell them.

MRS. MEHTA: I know.

Why Janet not tell us?

I can see you are stunned.

I know this is all very sudden.

Yeah, maybe too sudden.

Yes, they're young,
but only by Western standards.

In the east, Raj would be
a grandfather by now.

MRS. MEHTA: They're so happy,

and Raj couldn't have chosen
a more charming girl.

Yeah, well...

Divya Badhwar.

Is that how you say "congratulations"?

No, it's her name.

She went to school with
Raj and Janet, remember?

- What's happening?
- I don't know.

Of course, you're invited
to the engagement party.

There'll be many
eligible bachelors there.

Maybe you'll finally find
a suitable match for Janet.

MR. MEHTA: Ah.

Everyone be careful
with the upholstery.

And the cauldron!

But the couch is leather,
so be extra careful.

The cauldron is fire,
so be extra, extra careful!

Your place reminds me of Storage Wars.

Thanks.

- Hi.
- Oh, hey. Um...

Let me get your jacket.

Oh, I can just put it in the closet.

- Oh.
- Is this a walk-in?

I think it's a bedroom.

Like in Harry Potter.

Hey, is this
a Harry Potter theme party?

- I'll take that.
- SHANNON: Thanks.

The baked brie just goes
in the oven for minutes.

Or over the cauldron for less.

Oh, yeah, excuse the decor,
it's not really my thing.

I'm just kind of crashing here
until I buy, you know.

It's hilarious.

- Hey, do you have kids?
- What? No.

Jung just got a door.

Where?

He means that thing, but it's stupid,

I never use it.

Um, would you guys like some wine?

- Yeah.
- I have a $ bottle, a $ ...

Uh, I might even have an $ .

Red or white?

It's hard to say.
The bottles are pretty dark.

Let's just say $ .

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, guys, I might have
to leave early tonight.

You can do whatever you want.
(EXCLAIMS)

JANET: Great.

Appa, you said you wouldn't tell.

I'm sorry, Janet.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

- You aren't mad at me?
- No.

You did nothing wrong, you hear me?

- Nothing.
- Okay.

I just thought you'd be upset

'cause he's not a Christian or Korean.

No. Here. These are for you.

Clearly, someone's sick,
dying or dead.

Janet,

Raj is engaged.

(CHUCKLES)

- What are you talking about?
- He's getting married.

- Not to you.
- (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I know.

Like I said, things between
us were totally casual.

- No strings, no commitment.
- Yeah.

- No commitment to you.
- Appa.

I'm fine. I'm % coolio.

Mehta men.

I'm going to do some hapkido to Raj.

No, first, yell,
then do Hapkido to Raj,

then yell more
while I do Hapkido to Raj!

No! You're not gonna say
or do anything

to Raj or the Mehtas.

This is my business
and I'll handle it.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm totally fine.

And I'm gonna eat these pork rinds

like a totally fine person would.

With ice cream!

What the hell, man?
You make fun of the door?

I carried that home
on the subway for you.

Dude, relax.

So, my place is good enough

to take you in,
but not for you to live in?

According to you,
I'm just a guest, so...

What kind of guest has a couch
that you can see from space?

I love this couch. It's a riot.

Babe, did you see this couch?

Yes, obviously.

I mean...

Both of you, uh, sleep on the couch?

Of course, they don't.

- You don't, do you?
- No.

Good.

(SIGHS)

Okay, if everybody
could just stop eating,

or drinking near the couch,

that would be great, thank you.

And could you stop
putting coats in my room?

It's not a closet.

Then stop hanging clothes on the wolf,

he's not a closet, either.

The dog is perfect for it.

Not a dog, boreal predator.

And your room is perfect for coats

because it has a door now!

Sorry, we had a chip situation.

Where should I put the broom?

- Just leave it.
- I'll put it in the closet.

JUNG: What?

Fine. You want the coats off the dog?

(CLATTERING)

- (PANTING)
- Kimch, it was an accident.

- (GRUNTS)
- (CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Dude, what the hell is your problem?

Do you have any idea
how much this couch costs?

Do you know how much that wolf cost?

It's your own fault!

Bringing in a couch
that's so expensive

into a place that's so crappy.

That's what you think, right?

You wanna know what I think?

No problem. You know
what takes out red wine?

White wine.

No, no. That's the $ bottle.

- Food fight!
- Ow!

TERENCE: Sorry.

Look, maybe everybody
should just leave.

It's clear that some
of us aren't wanted.

Yeah, maybe some of you aren't.

It's your place, your call.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Yeah, sorry, I kind of
invited some more people.

I hope there's enough
room on the couch.

Oh, yeah!

This is the second
best night of my life.

Also, someone is burning
a cheese flag in the cauldron.

I am pretty sure that's illegal.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- (WOMEN WHOOP)

Hi, Mr. Kim, is Janet around?

Maybe you not talk to Janet anymore.

Maybe you not to talk
to anyone anymore.

Appa, I got this.

I'm so sorry.

I should've told you about Divya,

but I figured we both
knew this was casual.

Sure, we weren't serious,

but you were seriously not serious.

- I know, and I...
- Divya Badhwar?

We went to school together.
What is wrong with you?

- Janet...
- I am not upset.

I am angry, and sometimes
I cry when I'm angry.

These tears are not for you,
they're for me

for wasting so much time with you.

You just...

(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)

You is horrible boy
who make terrible choice!

You don't deserve Janet.

She is most special,
most beautiful, most talented!

These tears are not for you, either.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to upset you.

Or you.

Yeah, I think he learned
his lesson, huh?

Thanks, Appa.

Come. We eat from our sad-food group.

Starting with cookie dough ice cream.

- And peanut butter.
- And Cheez Doodles.

Did he fall off the balcony
or was he thrown?

I think he jumped.

- It's a ceramic dog.
- He was a timber wolf.

Just the two of you live here?

No one hiding in the
bedroom or the closet?

Uh, that's also a bedroom.

My bad.

Look, I got a complaint,
so I have to write a report.

Whose place is it?

It's both of ours.

Well, I've just been kinda
staying here for a bit.

No. This is your home now.

Guys, I just need a name.

- Split the fine?
- Fifty-fifty?

It's not a fine, it's just a warning.

Oh, then you can put my name down.

- Or mine.
- You know what?

Put down both of our names.

That way, it's official.

I don't know your names.

- Terence.
- Alejandro.

Don't worry, Janet.

One day, you'll find a good boy.

I know.

Maybe not today,

maybe not tomorrow, but one day.

Maybe in the late fall, huh?
Sweater season.

Everybody looks good
in a sweater, huh?

- JANET: Mmm-hmm.
- Who it?

- JANET: Um, Mark.
- You know him?

Yeah, he's . Has a pet bird.

- Mmm, sound strange.
- Mmm, you're right. Not him.

What about him?

Why is he taking a selfie
picture in the bathroom?

Yeah, I don't like him, either.

Next.

No.

No.

No. Stop.

Jacob, , likes windsurfing.

- Appa?
- Shh.

Trying to picture Jacob windsurfing.

Yeah, he's pretty good.

- Should we keep him?
- Yeah.

Now, what's this video game called?

- Dating.
- Hmm.

Maybe it's better as a
single-player game, hmm?

I think so.

You better not get high score.