13x11 - Whale Whores

[bunniefuu]

You guys! You guys!
We can finally do it!

We can finally leave this crappy town
and live the life we've all dreamed of!

- We can?
- What are you talking about, dude?

Haven't you assholes
been watching the news?

Pirating is back, my friends.

Swashbuckling adventure
on the high seas.

The stuff we've all dreamed about!
And it's all happening right here.

Somalia!

- Somalia? Where's that?
- North Africa.

Just picture it, guys!
Clear blue water with skull islands!

Waterfalls and jeweled
treasure underneath!

I've worked it all out on Expedia.
We can take

Southwest Airlines to Miami,
then Dubai Air here to Cairo.

Then it's just a 49-hour bus ride
into Mogadishu,

with all the booty
and plunder a pirate could want.

You know, Cartman,
that is an awesome idea.

- You should totally go to Somalia.
- Right! And we...

Wait a minute. You never
think my ideas are good, Kyle.

No, I'm being totally serious.

That is the best idea you've ever had.
You should run away to Mogadishu.

You should go there right away.
I'll even help pay for your ticket!

Cool! Wait a minute.

The f*ck! Why would you do that?

Unless, you're trying
to trick me somehow.

No, you're right. Somalia is
an oasis of treasure and waterfalls!

- It's totally the pirate's life!
- Then why don't you wanna go?

'cause, dude, I'm Jewish,
and you know...

Jews can't be pirates.

That's true.

Well, I'm glad you've finally come
to terms with your disability, Kyle.

Gentlemen,
I'm off to start planning.

Please.

Please let him go.

Good morning, students.
These are the morning announcements.

Teacher-parent conferences
were rescheduled to next Tuesday.

Please inform your parents.

The gym is being repainted
and is closed until tomorrow afternoon.

And now for a special announcement.

Avast there, mateys!

Do you have a thirst for adventure
on the high seas of life?

Sick and tired of parents and teachers
telling ye what to do all the time?

Then join Captain Cartman's
perfect pirate club!

Just imagine it, me hearties!

A life without rules,
without homework and chores!

You can live the pirate's life
in Somalia, me friends.

Even Kyle said so.
Our first official pirate meetin'

will be 4:00 PM today,
at Kevin Stoley's house.

- At my house? Why my house?
- There will be refreshments served.

So make sure your mom
goes to the grocery store!

So come all.

The invitation is open to any student
who wants to be a pirate,

and who isn't Jewish,
Mexican or ginger.

And for lunch today,
the cafeteria will be serving

taco salad or hoagie sandwiches.
Thank you.

Ahoy, fellow club members!

Congratulations on leaving
your meaningless lives behind

to become pirates.

Your life of boredom is at an end,

thanks to Captain Cartman.
All hands on deck!

Attention!

All right, ye booty lubbers!

So you decided to join
Captain Cartman, did ye...

Guys. Who let in the g-i-n-g-e-r?

There's really not that many of us.
We figured we should let him join.

But, g-i-n-g-e-r-s can't be pirates,
'cause they don't have souls.

- Please get it out of here.
- Fine! I don't want to be a pirate!

OK, anyways.

Now, enough small talk, lads! It's time
for us to start rappin' and plunderin'!

We set course tomorrow!

I purchased everyone's tickets online
using me mother's credit card.

And your mom is OK with that?

Dude, I'm a pirate! What the devil do
I care what me mother thinks anymore?

Neat-o!

All right, lads. Go home and write
your farewell letters to your families.

The land of pirates awaits!

- Pirates ho!
- Pirates ho!

Kevin, goddammit.

Have a good flight.
Next, please?

We be heading to Somalia,
by way of Miami to Cairo.

And take care you put us
in an exit row, you landlubber.

I see, you five boys

are all booked through
to Cairo by yourselves?

That we be, lass. It's all paid for
on me mother's credit card.

Jeez. I don't know
if I can really go through with this.

- What?
- It's just leaving everything behind.

I can't believe
I'm actually doing it.

- Maybe we should think about this.
- You guys, the f*ck!

Are you forgetting
how crappy your lives are?

All the homework, the rules?

You really want to go back to school,
where people just make fun of you?

Who? You mean you?

- Do you really wanna go back to that?
- No, I'm sick of it!

Well, all right then, f*g!
We can't turn back now.

The path to adventure lies
just beyond this ticket counter,

and if you four have really come
all this way just to turn back now,

then seriously, you guys...
The f*ck?

He's right, lads.
To adventure!

This is Somalia?

Where's all the waterfalls
and shipwreck lagoons?

The f*ck!

Excuse me.
Where are the pirates?

We're looking for the pirates.

Where can we find the...

Get the phrase book out.

Ask these people
where the pirates are.

He says they're in there!

Nice! Come on, mateys!

Yes, bla, bla, bla. Thank you.

Avast!

These aren't pirates.
They're just a bunch of black people.

I'm Captain Cartman
and this here be my terrible crew.

We be looking
for a ship to pirate with.

Yes, very nice.
Apparently these are the pirates.

Excellent!
They're taking us to a ship!

Once we commandeer a vessel,
the plundering will be easy indeed.

This is your pirate boat?

Dude. The f*ck?

Seriously, guys,
what kind of pirates are you?

I mean, really.
The f*ck, dude. The f*ck?

Guess we'll have
to settle with this meager ship.

Two of you sit aft
and two of you sit in the front.

I gotta sit middle,
'cause I get motion sickness.

Kevin, Jesus Christ.

Hard to starboard, lads!

There's sure to be lots
of booties out here!

Clyde, the f*ck?

You said there was gonna be
crystal clear lagoons

and treasure and plunder!

Calm down.
Everything's gonna be okay!

No, it's not. You made me
run away and be a pirate

and there's not even any treasure!

Ike, do something
about Clyde, please!

Very nice, Ike.

All right, me hearties!

Keep your eyes open
for boats to plunder!

Dude! You're doing it all wrong.
Let me handle this.

All right, ye scallywags!

Surrender your plunder lest
we start f*ring sh*ts across your bow!

Yeah, that's good,
but now go "argh!"

You checked with Kenny and Token?
He's not staying at their houses?

No, everyone's checked. I think
Cartman really ran away to Somalia.

Yes! I can't help but take
some credit for this.

- I helped convince him to go!
- You think he'll die in Somalia?

For sure. It's the most
godforsaken place on the planet!

Things are finally gonna
be normal around here!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!
What did we do wrong, Gerald?

Take it easy. We'll find him!

- I'll call you back.
- Kyle! He's gone!

Your little brother's
run away from home!

What? Are you sure?

He left a note saying
he's never coming back!

"Dear mommy and daddy.
I am running away.

I am sorry,

but I cannot longer handle
the monotony of middle class life.

Everyone at school
is a f*cking idiot,

and if one more person talked to me
about that Susan Boyle performance

of Les Mis?rables I was going to puke
my balls out through my mouth.

I love you all, but I have to move on.
I'm going to Somalia to be a...

to be a pirate."
Oh, sh*t!

Gerald, what are we gonna do?

He couldn't have gone far.
Let's call the other kids' houses.

God, what have I done?

The f*ck are you pirates doing?
Are we gonna plunder them or not?

Let's go.

Quiet, ye sons of biscuit eaters!
This boat is now pirate property!

Now get ye to yer lifeboat,
lest ye wanna be shark bait!

Plunder the booty, lads!
This ship is ours!

I said get off my boat.

That's it!
Get in there ye swarmy dogs!

Lower 'em down, Ike!

Have a good day!

- Hard to port, lads.
- Hard to port!

What's port?

Just make the boat go
that way, kind of.

That's good!
Now bring her around portside!

Now, that's a pirate ship.

A fine day of plunderin' we had, boys.
What about yourselves?

Here ye are, lads.
Plenty of booty to go around.

A round of grog for me boys.

A round of grog for everyone!

The f*ck is this?
This is water in a Dixie Cup!

All right, goddammit.
Really, you guys.

What kind of pirates are you?
Look at yourselves!

You're a disgrace to Blackbeard!

I don't know where you people
get off calling yourselves pirates...

Little b*at-up boats,
water in Dixie Cups.

I mean, look! Look at this guy!
Look at this guy, for Christ's sake!

I mean, how hard is this, people?

I tell ye, lads, if we're gonna be
the most feared people on earth,

then there needs to be
some g*dd*mn changes around here!

We drink and we pillage
and we do what we please

We get all we want for free

We'll kick your ass
then r*pe your lass

Somalian pirates we

So with a yo ho ho

Goddammit, people.

With a yo ho ho!

And with a yee hee hee!

We take to the African sea

We'll brave the squalls
and bust your balls

Somalian pirates we

Somalian pirates we

We left our homes
and we left our mothers

to go on a pillaging spree

We'll cut off your ears
and break your toes

and make you drink our pee

And if you sail into our waters,

you best hear this decree

We'll take your boat
and set your ass afloat

- Somalian pirates we
- Nice!

With a yo ho ho

And a trick a lotty do

We'll sh**t you
in the face with glee

- We'll cut off...
- Let's stop for a minute.

Remember on "trick a lotty do",
that's an lotty do.

Really need you guys
to enunciate the lotty.

Nadif?

If I can get you and Abdikarim to sing
the harmony on the second "yo ho".

And... Hashmish?

I'm sorry, but you're a little flat.
Sing out, don't close your throat.

So let's go from bar 14.
Pick up after the quarter rest. Ike?

- Somalian pirates we
- Better!

With a yo ho ho

And a trick a lotty do

We'll sh**t you
in the face with glee

Then we'll cut off your cock
and feed it to a crock

Somalian pirates we!

Somalian pirates...

we!

Somalian pirates we

We found them adrift
in a lifeboat, sir.

They said that pirates
took their ship by force.

Damn pirates!

What's causing them
to suddenly be so much more active?

Is the crew okay?

Yes, sir. They're French,
so they surrendered immediately.

Once they boarded your ship,
how did they force you off?

Sir, the pirates appear
to have forced

the French crew off their boat
with a lightsaber.

My God. The pirates are getting
better equipped every day!

Gentlemen, I want the President
of the United States on the phone.

We can no longer fight
the pirates on the seas.

We have to take them out
where they live.

What did I tell you, Butters?
This is the good life, huh?

What's going on?

Good. A hostage
will bring a fine ransom!

Well, well, well!

This is CNN... N.

Breaking news of yet
another pirate crisis in Somalia.

Members of NATO receive word today
that pirates have captured

an American child,

and are demanding 10 million euros
for his safe release.

U.S. Navy ships have been deployed
and the pirate standoff

is about to get ugly.

Well, well, well... Kyle.

You came all this way
to try and join my pirate club.

No, fatass, I came to get my brother!
We all have to get out of here!

- It isn't safe!
- It isn't safe?

That's not what you said
back in the cafeteria, Kyle.

In the cafeteria, you said
Somalia was awesome.

I know. I was lying.

Or are you lying now? So many lies,
you can't even keep them straight!

You couldn't stand that we were living
in paradise while you were back home.

This isn't paradise, and you know it.
The people here are starving and dying!

The whole world has used Somalia
as a dumping ground for toxic waste.

Even the fish are radioactive.

Cartman, just give me my brother
and let us get out of here.

Your brother is with Butters
taking inventory of our latest plunder.

You... just sit tight till we hear
about your ransom money.

One box of Italian passports!

One necklace, gold!

Three crew member watches.

Excuse me. Can I ask you a question?

Sure, Guleed.

Why did you Americans come here?

'cause our lives sucked back home!

- We had all these rules and homework.
- Yeah, homework!

And our parents hollered at us.

- So we wanted to be pirates.
- Pirates!

But that's what I do not understand.

Why would anyone
want to be a pirate?

Every day, I dream
that I can go to school,

learn about the world.

But my mother, she's dying of AIDS,

and there is no money for medicine.

My father was k*lled
trying to find food for us.

Do you know how I feel
every time we try to capture a boat?

Scared.

And not just scared,
because I might get k*lled,

but scared because
if I don't get something out of it,

my family and friends
are going to die.

I don't want to be a pirate.
I have don't see how anybody would.

Oh, my God.

Jeez, guess we kinda got
put in our place, huh, Ike?

I feel like an assh*le.

Me too.

- Go on! Walk the plank, ye scurvy dog!
- Cartman, knock it off!

That's Captain Cartman,
ye jewswoggle.

Listen, we wanna go home.

- What?
- Me and Ike, we've been talking, and...

Well, guys, we really had it
pretty good back in America.

I mean, sure,

it's easy to think our lives
are boring and full of rules,

but a lot of people
have it way worse.

The pirates' life isn't
a life of fun and adventure.

It's a life of hardship
and suffering.

When you get down to it, we were
pretty lucky to have the lives we did.

I hate it here. It wanna go home!

You guys cannot leave
the pirate club now!

How can you not want to stay
in this paradise we've created?

In Somalia, people have no laws!

They have no rules,
and they never grow old!

They never grow old
because they die before they're 30!

Nobody's going anywhere.
I'm the captain of this outfit!

To arms!

Now, is there any question
who's in charge?

I have an entire pirate crew
willing to do anything for me.

All right, men. Remember,
do not hit the white ones!

Me and my crew
are gonna go on pirating forever!

Clear.

The f*ck?