15x14 - The Poor Kid

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm goin' down to south
park Gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ I'm goin' down to south park
Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ ample parking day or night, People
spouting, "howdy, Neighbor" ♪

♪ I'm headin' down to south Park
gonna see if I can't Unwind. ♪

♪ murpph mmmph mmph
mmmph mrrr Mff mrmmph! ♪

♪ so come on down to south
Park, and meet some friends of Mine. ♪

you think you're man enough
to fight me, you little sh*t?

yeah cuz you're a
drunk piece a sh*t dad!

you're both drunk pieces of sh*t!

Both a you sit the down!

they're noisy!

- f*ck you, bitch!
- you son of a bitch!

they're nasty!

you done spilt that
awn mah titties, skayynk!

they're white trash!

And when you give 'em a
little pabst blue ribbon,

they can't help getting arrested!

Tonight, on an all new
- white trash in trouble!

pabst blue ribbon and white trash

it's a deadly combination
that can lead to prison time

and children being taken
away from their homes.

this white trash home in
colorado seems innocent enough

but the children in this home
live in a world of neglect.

There's no heating, no groceries.

And if you look closely in the backyard,

you can even make out what
appears to be a meth lab.

down on the ground! Move!
Let's move! Get down now!

{ }I'm ********

no, my babies! Don't take my babies!

- you're hurting my arm!
- my babies.

you're hurting me!

you have the right to remain silent.

Now please look at the camera and say
'I'm white trash, and I'm in trouble.

' I'm white trash, and I'm in trouble.

alright, good, now in the car.

oh, wow, poor people being
arrested. What a rare occurrence.

Hey kenny! Kenny wave!

just have a seat in nerrr. Kids.

******

the mother and father will probably
be released from jail on monday,

but I guess the kids are
gonna be taken away for good.

Child protective services is about
to talk to them in the soft room.

the soft room?

you know the room we have set
aside for kids to feel safe in.

hi kids, how're you
doin'?My name's Mr.Adams,

and I just need to get some
info from you. That sound okay?

c-can I see
my m-mommy?

no, sorry.

Now, I've been looking over your file

and I see you kids have all been horribly
physically and emotionally abused.

Oh, whoops! That's isn't your case file,
it's the Penn state university gazette!

{ }***

I'm joking ¨C that's just a
joke. We like to have fun here.

It is your case file, I was just all like 'it's the
Penn state gazette! ' to be like a joke. We have fun.

Now listen, you're gonna
be put into a foster home,

so I need to know would you
like to go to neverland ranch,

a catholic church or
Penn state university?

We're havin' fun aren't we?

I just- I come up with these
and the guys- it's good to laugh-

I just asked them if they wanted to go to
neverland a catholic church or Penn state!

I'm a trickster- people say
I'm really meant for comedy-

Here's my head sh*t. Just
in case you know anybody.

Can't hurt, right?Okay now-

are we all starting to
feel a little bit better?

Oh, come on now, how about a smile.

I am going to get you to smile!

A Penn state administrator
walks into a bar...

Where's that smile?

How about this one
- joe paterno doesn't walk into a police station...

Come on, that's a good one.

did you hear anything
more about what happened?

dude, I don't think kenny's coming back.

My dad said those 'child protective
services' people are pretty serious.

we can't just let kenny
be sent away for ever.

There's gotta be something we can do!

guys, guys I've been working on it
and I think I have some answers.

- really?
- yeah-

I've gone through every
student in the school

and I'm pretty sure that now that now
that kenny's gone the poor kid is craig!

that's what you care about?! Who's
the poorest kid in school now?!

pretty much went through
everybody, craig's got the most

Hey craig, you're uh... Your family get
you that jacket at wal-mart or k-mart?

- what are you talking about?
- nothin', dude, it's cool, it's cool.

I mean we would tell your
parents to shop at nicer places

but your momma's so poor,
she can't even pay attention!

{ }***

Mr. And Mrs.Weatherhead we have
the new foster kids for your care.

very good. We'll take them from here.

Children enter.

Welcome to your new home. Before we show
you around let's get one thing clear.

This is a very
strict, religious household.

As long as you live
here, you will be agnostic.

These are your foster
brothers and sisters.

They are all strict agnostics.

David! Do you believe in god?!

- I don't know.
- right!

There are two bedrooms
upstairs, boys' room and girls' room.

Your chores are listed
on the respective doors.

Follow.

You will eat only at
designated meal times.

Beverages you may take from
the refrigerator as you like.

However, in this house you will
drink only agnostic beverages!

Dr. Pepper and diet Dr. Pepper.

Because what flavor is it? It
is neither root beer nor cola.

Nobody is sure what flavor it is and
nobody can be sure isn't that right...

- Melissa?!
- I don't know.

good.

this is awesome, butters! You
really think you got something?!

yup. To find who the poorest kid is..

I actually was able to see which kids in school got those
coupons they hand out for school lunch.

yeah?!

so then I cross referenced all the
kids who were on half price lunches

with the tax records of people in town

to see which kid's parents actually
made the least amount of money last year.

wul, actually, eric, it's you.

what?

now that kenny's gone, your household
actually has the lowest income.

I'm sorry, pal.

oh my god.

If we found this out, it's only a matter
of time before everyone else does.

I won't tell anybody.

oh come on! We're not the only
ones who wanted to look into this!

You think kyle isn't on a computer right now
trying to see who the poorest kid in school is?!

oh, he is going to have such a
field day... That heartless jew.

Well, I won't give him the satisfaction.

alright, let's hear it for
kyle! He soo funny isn't he?!

With all his jokes
about cartman being poor!

You guys hear how
poor cartman's mom is?!

His mama's so poor the
ducks throw bread at her!

Yeah that's super funny, guys!
Yeah, laugh it up everyone!

Cartman's mama's so poor that when she goes
to kfc she has to lick other people's fingers!

I b*at you to it, kyle!

my name is not 'kyel'

that's kiwl!Whatever, kywl! It must
be nice having everything you want!

hi sweetie.

sit down, mom, we need to have a talk.

oh oh, what is it this time?

mom... How are you going to start
bringing more money into this household?

what, hon?

you have to start doing more, mom.
what are you doing with your time?

eric, I'm working two jobs. Mommy
is doing everything she can.

yeah, see
- the problem, mom, is that with kenny's gone, I'm now the poorest kid in school.

well, we're in a tough economy, eric, I don't
know what else you want me to do about it.

we're in a tough economy.

You don't know what else
I want you to do about it.

Life isn't handed to you mom!

You can't just sit on your
ass and expect money to appear!

eric, we aren't that much
poorer than most people.

not that much poorer?!

My mama so poor when she heard about the last supper
she thought she was runnin' out of food stamps!

it's not funny, mom!

My mama so poor she waves around a popsicle
and calls it air conditioninnnngg...

I wish I could be put in a cool
foster home like kenny's familyyyy.

It's you.

I was wondering when you'd appear!
You always come when I'm sad!

you are going to be okay, karen.

You have to keep believing that.

why did my mommy and daddy go to jail?

sometimes... People do stupid things.

Sometimes they don't realize
what should have come first, until it's too late.

- but I'm all alone now.
- you are not alone.

No matter where you go.
No matter what you do.

I will always be here.
Do you understand?

I'll try, guardian angel.

Don't try, Karen. Do.

what in the name of nobody
knows are you doing, karen?!

policeman.

Yes... Yes...

Alright thanks for the
tip. We'll check it out.

Better call the lieutenant. Looks
like we got another meth lab in town.

Got any needles on you? Any cr*ck pipes.

oh my, goodness, no. I haven't
used dr*gs in quite a while.

then why is there a meth
lab in your backyard?

what is going on here?
mom? What have you done?!

Were things so bad for you financially
you had to turn to a life of crime?

My mama so poor, she uses
cheerios as earrings.

Well.. Guess I'm off
to a foster home then.

Hawaii is my first choice.

Something not exactly on the beach
but maybe just a short walk away...

It's going to take me years to recover
from being torn from my mother's arms.

Only the ocean breezes and
coconut trees can help me now.

when will you people learn to
lay off the pabst blue ribbon?!

Now look at the camera and say 'I'm
white trash and I'm in trouble'.

oh, I'm white trash
- and I'm in trouble.

hi there, how ya doing?

My name's Mr. Adams and I'm
with child protective services ¨C

Here's my headshot.

I just need to get some
information from you if that's okay.

yeah yeah.

okay, now, it says here your
mother was operating a meth lab.

that's right.

And it also says here that Penn state
prefers to be losing at halftime...

Because at Penn state they like when
you're a little behind in the locker room.

That's a joke! Did you get that one?

It's is a play on words
we like to have fun here!

dude, do you think this is funny?

we just
- we just like to have fun here.

well I'll tell you something! Being
from a low income household isn't funny.

Aw helll no, my mama so poor she opened a
gmail account just so she could eat the spam.

what... What's that supposed to be some
kind of joke? You think you're funny?

a joke? You think being poor is a joke?

- could be worse.
- how?!

could be in happy valley!

On a scale from one to ten how old should
you be to stay away from Penn state?

dude, my mama so poor when she gets mad
she can't afford to fly off the handle

so she gotta go
greyhound off the handle!

two Penn state administrators
walk into a butt ¨C

jesus this is a long
drive, are we in hawaii yet?

- hawaii?
- yeah, that's where I requested to be sent.

you're foster home is here. Pretty
much the exact opposite of hawaii.

what?!

Greeley?!

come on now! This is not the
way we've told you tidy up.

Remember, cleanliness
is next to godliness.

So make it kind of
clean but not too much.

Amanda! More ambiguous on the dusting!

Kenneth, answer the door.

what the
- dude, this is like poorer than my old house!

what the are you doing here?

hello, eric. Your room is upstairs
on the left. Are you hungry?

- you're my new mom?
- you can call my mom if you like.

alright, mom, how much money do you make?
Like gross yearly income after taxes?

this is where you will sleep
with your foster brothers.

You will be clean, polite and most
importantly you will follow the agnostic code!

"we cannot know with certainty if
god or christ exists. They could.

Then again there could be a giant
reptilian bird in charge of everything.

Can we be certain there isn't?
No, so it's pointless to talk about.

" Now say it with me...

god damn, I gotta sleep in a room
six other people?! How poor are we?!

We do not take the lord's name in vain
in this house just in case there is one!

Do you understand or do you
need the punishment room?!

aw hellll no.

Moooooom! Dad's being mean to me!

Momm! Moooooommm!

my name is not 'meeeem'.

oh god I'm so nervous. These
kids all seem kind of mean...

I'll see you at recess, right.

I'll be there, karen.

you've already been here a while, kenny, you
have to introduce me to your friends, okay?

And make sure they know I'm cool!

You gotta have my back kenny!

- oh hey kenny.
- Who's this? this is eric cartman.

does he live with you
at the foster home?

okay alright so listen! I
know our family is poor, okay?!

But before we lived there, kenny
was actually poorer than me.

So technically he is the
poorest kid at this school!

what are you talking about? The poor
kid in this school is jacob hallery.

- really?
- yeah dude,

his dad d*ed five years ago and
his mom went crazy from depression

so she can't even keep a job.

yes! Yyesss! Did you hear
that kenny?! We're good!

I seriously thought we didn't
stand a chance but now...

Everything's gonna be okay!

♪ Cuz I'm not, I'm not ♪
♪ The poor kid at school ♪

Let's hear it for jacob hallery guys!

His momma's so poor she cuts
coupons out to be institutionalized!

♪ Greely, colorado's the place to be ♪

♪ it's a whole new
beginning for you and me ♪

♪ Life can only get better, cuz
I know one simple simple rule ♪

♪ I'm not he's not!
The poor kid at school ♪

did he do stuff like
this at your old school?

let put our hands up everyone!

Except for jacob, his momma's so
poor she only understands hand outs.

eric, at greeley elementary, we do not tolerate
student's making fun of other students.

I wasn't making fun of anybody.

a twenty minute song and dance number,

with forty seven "yo mama so poor"
jokes directed at jacob hallery

which ended in a finale with fireworks.

I was just teasing.

your case worker has been
notified and he is not happy.

My case work..
- Aw, no, not this guy.

I now this is a difficult
adjustment for you, eric.

But you can't just turn all your frustrations
on a little kid who can't defend himself!

I mean what do you think this
is the shower room at Penn state?

I'm kidding! We like to
have fun in our department-

so I was like what is the
shower room at Penn state?

I joke around
- this is my head sh*t.

will you stop with
the Penn state jokes?!

All you're doing is taking something
topical and revamping old catholic jokes.

oh and "yo mama" jokes are better?
They've been around since the fifties.

what the hell does this
have to do with anything!

principal! You gotta send
help to the playground-

they're about to b*at up that new kid!

aw, look at the new kid
and her wittle dolly?!

You gonna cry some more in class, wimp?!

l-leave her alone.

shut up, you foster
twerps are all the same!

Come on, hand over the doll!

Who the hell is this?

how about you find another
little girl to pick on?

mind your business peter pan!

karen mckormick is off
limits. Do you understand?

Make sure everybody
in this school knows.

and if this food comes as a gift
from some divine intelligence,

we understand that an intelligent being
cannot blame us for questioning its existence.

Nobody knows, and nobody can know
if any deity is watching over us.

Amen.

except for karen's guardian angel!

what?

where did he take you
after he saved you, karen?

he just took me back to my classroom!
Then he disappeared like always.

what have we told you about
making up angel stories?!

but we saw him! He
leapt down from the sky!

and he kicked the crap
out of jessica pinkerton.

- We saw him!
- Yay!

stop it children! We do not speak
such certainties in this house!

get down to the basement all of you!

It's time for the punishment room!

now... Did you see an angel?

no! No I didn't see an angel!

no! You can't be certain of
that! You might have seen one!

Hit him with the doctor pepper again.

are there such things as angels?

- m-maybe?
- good.

what do we do kenny?

Kenny?

- what is the meaning of life?!
- it's impossible to know!

that's right!

who could that be?

Mr.And Mrs.Weatherhead, I've
received some disturbing news that

all you are providing the foster
children here to drink is soda.

I told on you, mom and dad!

what business is that of yours?!

it's my business because child protective
services is accountable for these kids!

Have I given you my headshot?

yes, yes, we have that.

ok, now are you only giving
these kids Dr. Pepper to drink?!

if we want to serve agnostic beverages
in this house then by god-ish we'll do it!

The children you've sent here are undisciplined
and talking about certainty of angels!

excuse me?!

Let's have a look around.

what the
- who did this?

what is that?!

It was a like a little
'mystery' person flying around...

almost seemed like some
kind of... Agnostic angel.

oh my god.

What's going on here?

we don't know... We
can't possibly know...

what have I done?

I took you kids from your parents without
even checking into where you were going?

I put innocent children
into a dangerous environment!

What am I? A recruitment
coach for Penn state?

it's not funny!

there's nothing in there
but dr. Pepper, right?

There can't be.

how did that get here?!

- It's says it's a 'pabst blue ribbon.
- ' what is it?

It's like beer but different.

But how did it get here?!

Shut your mouth bitch!

You shut your mouth you dumb
f*cking assh*le!

f*ck you bitch!

you have the right to remain silent.

Now look at the camera and say
I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!

I'm white trash and iii'mmm in trouble!

get in the car, you!

Wait a minute, I'm white
trash, and I'm in trouble?!

No, no, take all these kids
back to their parents.

We've embarrassed the system and
made it something nobody wants to be a part of.

It's like a Penn state
homecoming party...

A false police report can carry a
up to a two month prison term, son!

I'm not saying it.

We can do this the easy
way or we can do it hard!

I'm not saying it!

Then we'll add another
charge for resisting!

okay fine! I'm white
trash and I'm in trouble!

three arrests in just
one power packed episode.

Proving once again that

we are all just one pabst
blue ribbon away from becoming-

white trash!In trouble

sponsored by schlitz!

- boy it sure is glad to have you back, kenny.
- thanks guys.

I hear your parents might
give up selling meth for good.

yeah, maybe.

there he is. There's my buddy!

- how was jail fat ass.
- well, I did a lot of thinking.

And you know guys
- there's an important lesson, I think we've all learned.

What do we do when
the tables are turned?

♪ The day's lookin' brighter, grey
skies are turnin' blue... ♪

♪¡¡Cuz I'm not
- he's not! He's not! The poor kid at school ♪

♪ Kenny's back and it's such a thrill ♪

♪ Now I'm rich just like stan and kyle ♪

♪ All that matters is no
one thinks I'm a tooool ♪

♪ -cuz I'm not -
he's not He's not ♪

♪ That's right! The poor kid at school ♪

Sing it with me guys!

♪ He's not the poor kid at
school he's not the poor ♪

What the f*ck?

My mamma so poor she walks
down the road with one shoeeeee!

And if you ask her if she lost a
shoe she says 'no I found onnnnne'