04x12 - Lucy Learns to Drive

[bunniefuu]

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

Oh...

Hi.

Oh, hi.

What you doing?

I'm just checking our luggage for the
trip.

This stuff will never make it to
California.

Did you ever see anything that looked
so awful?

Yeah, Fred.

What's the matter with him?

Oh, he just can't get over

that $ he lost buying that old
car.

No kidding.

You ought to see him.

He just sits and stares into space,
glassy-eyed.

Well, for heaven's sake, I know $
is a lot of money,

but it's nothing to go into a state
of shock over.

Oh, you don't know Fred.

Once he actually foamed at the mouth

when his penny got stuck in a peanut
machine.

Oh, not really.

I'm telling you, it took two men and
a crowbar

to get his hand out of the slot.

And you won't believe this.

I can't get him to eat anything.

Fred won't eat?

Oh, he is sick.

Gee, honey, there must be something
we can do

to snap him out of it.

Oh, I've tried everything.

You know his friend that runs the
garage

on the next block?

Joe? Joe.

Joe said he'd fix up the whole car,

so it would run and only charge $

and even that didn't make any
impression on him.

(sighing)

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Will you see what you can do, Lucy?

Sure, I'll take a cr*ck at him.

I don't know what I could do.

Huh.

Hi, Fred, you old rascal you.

How's every little thing, huh?

Fred?

Oh, Fred.

Um, Fred, I made an apple pie last
night.

How would you like a big piece

with a big hunk of cheese on it, huh?

Does that sound good, Fred?

Oh, boy, he's real gone.

Isn't that awful?

I'll go get the baby, he'll notice
him.

Okay.

Sit down, Fred.

We're going to go see Uncle Fred,
honey.

We're going to say hello to Uncle
Fred, huh?

There he is.
There's Uncle Fred.

Say hi!

Say, "Hi, Uncle Fred." Say hi!

Hi, hi.
Wave your hand at him.

Give him a kiss.
Give him a kiss.

Well, I give up.

What am I gonna do?

I don't know.

When he doesn't notice the baby, ugh!

He's still warm.

Lucy, guess what!

Hi.
Hi, Ethel, hi, Fred.

Lucy? Where's Lucy?

Uh, what-what is it?
What is it?

I want her to hear. Lucy!

Yeah?
Come here, honey!

What?
I bought a new car.

A new one?!

A brand-new Pontiac.

A new Pontiac!
Yeah.

You said you couldn't afford a new
car.

Yeah, I know, I know, but I started
thinking

about the long trip and everything,

and I think it's a better investment
anyway.

Don't you think so, Fred?

Fred?

What's the matter with him?

He's in a state of shock.

It's that $ .

Oh.

Yeah, it was too much for him.

He's retired from reality.

He can't hear a word we say.

Well, that's too bad

because I got wonderful news.

What?

Well, I used Fred's old Cadillac

as a trade-in

so Fred will get all his money back.

What's that?

I think we struck a nerve.

What's this about getting my money
back?

Well, welcome back to the world,
Fred!

Fred, I bought a brand-new car, see?

And I, I used your old car as a
trade-in,

and the guy allowed me $ on it.

So, all I got to do is give you the
$

and everybody's happy.

When do we see the car?

Uh, yeah, where is it?

When do we eat?

He's really recovered.

It's right down at the curb right
now.

Here? Well, come on, let's go see it.

Oh, the baby.
Come on, Fred.

Uh, honey, go get Mrs. Trumbull.

Ask her to come over for a minute,
will ya?

Okay, sure.

We'll see you downstairs.

Oh, no, you don't! Nobody's gonna see
that car before I do.

While we're waiting, how about
something to eat?

Now you waited two whole days to eat,

you can wait a few minutes longer.

Hurry up, Ricky!

Oh, Ricky, it's beautiful!

Isn't that dreamy?

FRED: Oh, what a pip!
a*t*matic transmission?

Naturally.

How much horsepower?

.
Oh, great.

Oh, Ethel, smell.

There's nothing like the smell of a
new car, huh?

Wait till you see the motor, Fred.

I want to see it.

Look in here.
Yeah.

Oh...
Isn't that beautiful...

(horn blaring)

Oh! What are you trying to do?

What's the matter?

What's the matter with you?
You crazy or something?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry.

Come on, let's go for a ride.

No, no, no, we can't.

LUCY: Why not?
Because we're not insured.

Oh. Well, you drove it home.

Yeah, I know, but I shouldn't have.

I called the insurance man, and he
wasn't in the office.

I just couldn't wait any longer to
show it to you.

Come on, just once around the block.

Yeah, Come on, Rick. just once.

All right, come on.

Just once. Just once.

LUCY: Yeah, okay.

ETHEL: We're gonna ride all the way
to California!

Oh, isn't this great?

Oh, come on, honey, hurry up, give me
the keys!

Haven't you forgotten something?

What?

You don't know how to drive.

Oh.

Hey, Fred, there's some difference in
this

and that old relic you bought.

FRED: All right, all right.

We shouldn't be doing this.

Oh, well.

We'll go once around the block.

LUCY: Yeah. Gee, I hope somebody sees
us.

Oh, to California, sitting like this.

LUCY: Yeah. Hey, we got a new car!

Look everybody, we got a new car!

Hey, look!

RICKY: Lucy.

Yeah?

Listen, honey, I got to go down to
the club...

What are you doing?

Oh, I can't take my eyes off it.

That is the most beautiful car in the
whole world.

It's pretty, isn't it?

Yeah. Take me for another ride.

No. We don't move that car until it's
insured.

Well, call the man again, go on.

All right.

You know, I called him four times.

He didn't answer any one of the
times.

Maybe he's out of town or something.

Ricky?
(busy signal)

What?

When are you gonna teach me to drive?

Uh, I got to go to the club.

Uh, I'm gonna take the...
the car and show it to the boys,

so I can't now.
Well, Good-bye, dear.

Now, honey, this is important.

If we're gonna live in Los Angeles,

I have to know how to drive.

Lucy, please, they got enough traffic
problems

in Los Angeles already.

Now, honey, listen.

Suppose we're driving across country.

We're in the middle of the desert,

miles from anywhere, and you get sick

and then Fred gets sick, and Ethel
can't drive

and there we are--

miles from civilization.

It's hot, the sun is pouring down,
it's broiling.

We're thirsty, our throats are
parched.

Water! Water! Water!

(gagging): Water...

Oh, oh, if I had only learned to
drive, I could save us all.

Water! Water! Wa-ater!

Are you getting my message?

No.

Well, then why didn't you say so?

That hurt my throat.

Come on, Ricky, say that you'll teach
me to drive!

Nope.

You'll be sorry, I'm gonna nag you
about this.

I'm not gonna let you alone a minute
till you promise me...

Okay, okay, okay, okay, I'll tich
you.

Well... those are the most beautiful
words

I ever heard: "I'll tich you."

How come you gave in so quickly?

No, I didn't give up quickly.

I laid awake all night last night,

trying to figure a way out of this.

There is none.

When can I have my driving lesson?

This afternoon?

Maybe.

Oh, well, I... you know, I
practically know how to drive.

I took a couple of lessons in high
school.

Well, things have changed a little
since then.

Oh, have they?

Come here.

Here's the name of the man, his phone
number

and the all the information you got
to give him.

Yeah.
Now, If you can get

this guy on the phone before I come
back

from the club, I'll give you a lesson
this afternoon.

Oh, wonderful! Okay.

Good-bye.
Good-bye, dear.

Oh, boy!

(busy signal)

(car approaching)

Hi, Ricky, how'd the driving lesson
go?

How'd it go, Ricky?

(horn beeps)

Es imposible.

Lo que paso es imposible.

No se le puede explicar a nadie lo
que paso hoy en el tunel.

iQue horror!

iQue barbaridad!

Si se lo dice a alguien, no lo creen.

Where you going?

Huh?

Where you going?

Oh, uh... I'm going to rehearsal.

Oh, aren't you gonna take your car?

What was that?

Aren't you gonna take your car?

No, no. I may never drive again.

What's the matter with him?

Oh...

He got mad at me

while I was driving through the
Holland Tunnel.

Ricky let you drive through the
Holland Tunnel?

Well, he didn't mean to.

I got caught in a stream of traffic

and I couldn't stop.

But you drove all the way through the
Holland Tunnel!

Halfway through.

What do you mean halfway?

Well, Ricky was late for rehearsal

and I saw an opportunity to...

How was I supposed to know

there wasn't room to make a U-turn?

You made a U-turn in the Holland
Tunnel?!

Oh, brother, that must have been
something.

Yeah. The policeman said the cars
were backed up

all the way to East Orange, New
Jersey.

I'll bet.

Where's the baby?

Oh, Mrs. Trumbull took him to the
zoo.

Oh, good.

You know, Ethel,

it was awful exciting learning to
drive, though.

You should have seen me.

I was just like a real professional.

I hung my arm out the window, you
know.

Oh, boy, I envy you.

I always wanted Fred to teach me how
to drive,

but we never owned a car.

Well, you should learn how to drive.

That way, we could take turns driving
across the country.

You think so?

Sure. This way, you're just so much
dead weight.

Well, maybe I'll develop other
talents

like folding up road maps

and keeping an eye open for clean
restrooms.

Oh...

Now, honey.

No, you really should learn to drive,
though.

You know who's gonna teach you?

Who? Me.

You? Yeah.

You just learned this morning.

Listen, I drove for a whole hour.

Oh, pardon me, Barney Oldfield.

Come on, come on, I'll show you how
it goes.

Hey, wait! What?

Do you think we ought to drive that
without Ricky's permission?

Oh, we're not gonna drive it.

You just sit behind the wheel

and I'll show you how things work.

Sort of a dry run, you know.

Okay.

Come on. Oh, listen, when we get back
upstairs,

remind me to call the man

about the insurance for the car, will
you?

You mean Ricky let you drive this car

and it wasn't insured?!

Well, he sort of thought it was
insured.

He told me to call the man, but I
couldn't get him

and I didn't want to miss my driving
lesson.

Lucy!

Well, he didn't ask me!

Anyway, nothing happened.

There's no harm done. Get in.

All right.

Oh, gee, I never thought this would
happen to me.

(laughs)

Ooh! Oh, boy, I feel so sporty.

(laughing)

Now, what do I do?

Well, if you had the key, you'd
put...

Oh, oh, he left the key in here.

What do I do?

Just turn the key.

Uh-huh. Turn the key.

(engine starts)

What was that?

Oh, well, nothing to get frightened
now.

That's just the motor.

Oh.

There, now see this gidget here?
Yeah.

Now, that's neutral, then you put it
in drive,

and then you put it in low.

See? Yeah.

Now, there's nothing to it really,

Isn't that motor quiet, though?

It isn't even running.

Of course it's running.

No, it isn't.

Sure it is. Step on the gas, you'll
see.

Okay.

That it?
Yeah.

(engine revving)

Oh, Lucy!

Put the brake on!
Put the brake on!

Oh, Lucy!

What's the matter with you, Ethel?

I told you not to take it out of
gear.

I don't know what a gear is.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Oh, our beautiful car!

Oh, Ethel, look at that grill!

Oh, and it's all my fault.

Oh, no, it's my fault.

I wanted to teach you to drive.

What are we gonna do?

Let's hop in the car and head for the
border.

No, we got to get these cars apart.

And then what?

Well, mayeb I can take the Pontiac
down to the garage

and get it fixed before Ricky comes
home.

Come on, jump up on here.

Jump up on here?

Yeah, and bounce up and down.

You up there?
Yeah.

All right.
Now jump up and down.

What are we doing this for?

I don't know.

(metallic clattering)

Whenever two cars get stuck together,
the men do it.

Oh.

Well, it isn't doing any good.

No, I guess not.

I guess we'll have to drive both cars
to California.

Hey, are the keys in the Cadillac?

Yeah, They're under the seat.

The man's gonna pick it up today.

Oh, here they are.

What are you gonna do?

Listen, do you think

if I drove this car to the garage,
that one would follow?

Do you know how to drive this?

Oh, sure. I learned to drive in a car
like this.

This is the gear shift and this is
the brake

and this is the clutch.

Or is this the brake and this the
clutch?

Don't you know?

Well, I'll find out as soon as I get
going, you know.

How?

Well, if I step on the brake,

and it doesn't stop, it was the
clutch.

Let's go.

Okay.

Oh, hey, wait a minute.

You got to stay here.

Stay here?

Yeah, and stall everybody off.

Wh-Wh-What'll I do?

Look. Where's Fred?

He's downtown.

Look, if Fred comes back,

you tell him that the man came for
the Cadillac

and that Ricky has the Pontiac
downtown.

If the man comes for the Cadillac,

you tell him that Fred has it out for
one last farewell spin.

If Ricky comes home,

you tell him the man came for the
Cadillac

and Fred took the Pontiac downtown to
have it washed.

Okay?

No, you stay here and tell that
story.

I'll drive the car to the garage.

No, you can't do that.

You haven't even soloed yet.

Oh. Well, I hope you know what you're
doing.

Oh, I hope so, too.
Wish me luck.

Good luck.
Okay.

Ah.

(starter grinding)

(starter grinding)

(starter grinding)

(engine turning over)

(backfires twice)

(engine sputtering)

Take it easy now.

Yeah, I will.

Be careful.

Yeah. Have I got it?

Yeah, it's coming.

Okay.

(engine backfiring and sputtering)

Lucy!

What happened?

You won't believe it.

Listen, when you left here,

weren't you driving that car and
wasn't this car

hooked onto the back of that car?

Well, how did, how did that car get
hooked

onto the back of this car?

It was the most horrible experience
of my life.

And I've had some pretty horrible
experiences.

I'll bet, Ethel,

if I skipped my next henna rinse,

I'd find my hair is snow white.

Well, tell me what happened.

Well, I went to down to the garage to
ask the mechanic

how much it would cost to fix the
Pontiac.

He said it might be as much as $ .

Why $ ?

Oh, I don't know.
Something's out of line

in the front of the Pontiac.

So, I didn't have that much money,

so I just decided to drive the cars
back here,

park them in front of the apartment

and just tell Ricky I didn't know how
any of it happened.

Well, how did the Cadillac get hooked
onto the back of the...

Yeah, I'm coming to that.

You know that underpass by Grand
Central Station?

Yeah.

Well, I was driving on the downhill
side of it

and a car started to pass me

and it was a new Pontiac just like
our car

and the driver was coming awful close

so I turned to give him a dirty
look...

and no one was driving.

No one was driving?

So I looked back at our car and it
was gone.

It came unhooked, and then what?

Well, it passed me at the bottom of
the hill

and I didn't know what to do, so I
stopped,

and the Pontiac kept on going up the
hill

and it didn't quite make it to the
top.

(gasping)

It didn't?

Not much, it didn't.

It started rolling backwards and
crashed right into me.

You're right, I don't believe it.

I wouldn't have believed it either

if it hadn't happened to me.

What are you gonna say to Ricky?

How about good-bye?

No, Ethel, our only chance is to
pretend complete innocence.

Oh, we'll never get away with it.

Well, we'd better get away with it,
or Ricky and Fred

will be planting their footprints
somewhere

and it won't be Grauman's Chinese
Theatre.

Ethel, I wonder how those two cars
got that way.

What cars?

Here they come.
Here they come.

Now, remember, they're gonna scream
and yell at us,

but we just have to pretend we don't
know

what they're talking about.

Just, just act nonchalant.

Oh, hi, fellas.

Hi, fellas. What's new?

How are things down at the club,
dear?

Say something.

Don't just stare at me!

I don't know anything about those
cars!

Aha.

So, it was you.

Us.

Look, Lucy, I am trying awfully hard

to control my temper,

because this time I am afraid to lose
it.

Yeah, well, look, I can explain
everything.

I wasn't driving the car.

I was just showing Ethel how things
work

and you left the key

and I just showed her how to turn it
on the motor

and all of a sudden, the Pontiac
jumped up

and rammed the Cadillac

and we tried to get the cars apart
and we couldn't.

And so then I drove the cars to the
garage.

I was gonna get the Pontiac fixed
before you came home

and, and well, I went down a hill

and a car started to pass me

and I stopped and the car went on up
the hill

and, and it didn't quite get up to
the top

and then it came back downhill and
crashed right into me

and I drove the cars home.

That's all there is to it.

(stifling laughter)

(laughing out loud)

(laughing uncontrollably)

What's so funny?

It's so ridiculous.

This could only happen to Lucy.

Yeah, yeah, just to me.

Stupid old me.

(laughing) (guffawing)

How can you laugh?!

What do you think it's gonna cost us

to have those cars fixed?

Oh, don't worry about that, Fred, I'm
insured.

We've lost Lucy.

What's the matter with her?

Well, she didn't call the man.

Ricky isn't insured.

Well, we've lost him, too.

Don't worry, Fred.

You don't think I was gonna be so
stupid

as to let Lucy do it?

I called the insurance man myself.

You did?

Well, we got him back.

Now, as far as you are concerned,
young lady...

RICKY: Lucy?

I don't think you're getting through
to her.

Lucy!

Maybe she's afraid to come back.

Tell her you won't do anything to
her.

Lucy, I won't do anything to you.

Lucy, I said I wasn't gonna do
anything to you.

All right, all right, cross my heart.

Hi.

But I didn't promise you

that I wasn't gonna tell you what I
think about you.

Oh. Oh, you're just gonna tell me,
huh?

Yeah.

Pero no-no-no se donde empezar.

Oh.

?Que te pasa?

?Se te perdio el sentido?

?Que tu tienes en la cabeza?

?No tienes nada metido en la cabeza?

?Esta la cabeza muerta?

?No tienes nada aqui completamente?

Un dia te voy a coger como si fueras
un pollito

y te voy a coger por pescuezito

y voy a poner aqui los dedos y...

(grunting)

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu
Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.