09x03 - Meet the Parents

[bunniefuu]

[CROW CAWS]

[SIGHS]

Look at this. I am looking at it.

I've looked at it all times

you've dragged me
out here to look at it.

It's a mud pit.

We got to take care of this.

Hey, you're the one that wanted
to get rid of the pool.

And you should know... never
move anything in this house

because what's underneath
is gonna be way worse.

Look, it's gonna be a hard winter.

I got to get this thing tilled,

I got to bring in dirt and seed,

maybe put down some sod...

Why are you talking like a farmer?

We got to get to it
this weekend, Frankie.

Can't wait any longer.

Well, it'll have to.

We're going up to Sue's
for parents' weekend.

[SIGHS] So pick some other day then.

[SIGHS] How about Thursday?

All right.
Be out here with your boots on.

Oh, that's not the day we're doing it,

that's the day we're picking
a day to pick a day to do it.

Finally. Feels good
to get something done.

Well, the sophomore hijinks
are finally starting to kick in.

I was starting to think
that sophomore year

wasn't going to be everything
I'd seen in books and movies,

but, boy, was I wrong.

Things are poppin',
whirrin', and a-crackin'.

Okay, I'll bite.

Why are things poppin',
whirrin', and a-crackin'?

'Cause I'm about to be arrested.

See, the sophomore president
organized this fundraiser

where classmates come and arrest you,

lock you up at the school,

then your friends come to bail you out.

It's called the Sophomore Slammer.

And all the money goes to charity...

Hoosiers for Head Injuries.

Just to be clear,

they're against 'em?

I didn't ask, but I'm assuming they are.

Anyway, this is a serious charity.

It's proven that people
with head injuries

have a lot of trouble later in life.

Hello!

Oh, my pants are on backwards.

[CHUCKLES] I was wondering

why I had to tie 'em in the back.

Well, I'm off the prepare
for my big weekend.

It was definitely a good move
to break up with Cindy

so now I'm free to participate

in all these sophomore shenanigans.

Worst mistake of his life.

Dumb as hell.

Soooo, how was your weekend
with Lexie and her parents?

Oh, my God, I thought their
regular house was great.

You should see their lake house.

You can fit four of our houses in there,

but you wouldn't want to
'cause this place is a dump.

Hey, our house is... Oh, forget it.

You can't believe it,
they've got everything...

a speedboat, a dock house, an arcade.

Oh, and hey, guess what?

Lexie's parents are gonna be
at parents' weekend, too,

so we were thinking maybe we could, uh,

get dinner or something?

You? Want to have dinner with us?

With Lexie's parents?

You know they'll see us, right?

I know, but you didn't
get to meet April's parents

until we got married,
so now you can meet

Lexie's parents before I get married.

But I'm not getting married.

[CHUCKLES] Unless you piss me off.

Then I will. So be nice.

Well, wow, Axl, I'm thrilled.

I would love to meet Lexie's parents.

Okay, great.

Don't forget to wear your good bra.

Your pants are on backwards.

[SIGHS] I don't want
to meet Lexie's parents.

What are you talking about?

You always want to meet
the people our kids are dating.

Yeah, but Lexie's parents
are all richy rich.

They come from a completely
different world.

What are we gonna talk about?

Cleaning people's teeth and our mud pit?

Who cares how much money they make?

You just talk to them like
you would talk to anybody.

Says the guy who talks to nobody.

Do I even have a good bra?

We're home!
People entering the apartment!

I have to do that now.

Just so you know, I'm not
gonna be doing this at home.

I'm only doing it here
'cause... well, look at her.

So, how'd it go today?

Oh, well, it was something.

We walked through every day
of Sue's classes...

even though Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday are all the same.

Mm-hmm. It was amazing.

We got ice cream in the quad,
had a picnic in the gazebo,

Dad got an "F"
on his parents' Econ quiz.

I think the only thing we missed
was that beer tasting.

Yep.

When you guys came up for me,

the only thing we used to do

was go to my football game.

Yep.

Isn't it so great how much
more time we have now

that you don't have to sit
in front of some boring

football game all day?

Yep.

Oh, hey, awesome news...

so, these friends of Lexie's
got some wicked stomach bug

and we got their
Chance the Rapper tickets,

so it looks like we're gonna
have to bail on dinner.

Aw, no.

Oh, no, it's still happening.

My parents are dying
to meet you. They can't wait.

They'll be at the restaurant at : .

Well, we got minutes to
come up with a whole new life.

FRANKIE: So while we were getting ready

to meet the parents,

back home, the sophomore
shenanigans were in full swing.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪

I'm telling you, Mike,
we're at the wrong place.

There's no way these people would eat

at some dumpy barbecue joint.

- I mean, we would, but...
- [CHUCKLES]

[GASPS] You must be the Hecks.
Oh, my God.

I love your son.
I love your daughter, too.

Get up, get up. I'm a hugger!

Ohh! Hi.

- Hi!
- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hi!

Oh, I hope you didn't want
to go to someplace fancy.

We just love the barbecue here.

They have Flintstone-sized ribs here.

I love a hunk of meat
that'll tip your car over.

Yeah, no, are you kidding?
This is great.

Sorry we're late. We were at the game.

What an ending, right?

Yep.

Uh-oh, check it out, TamTam,
we're already a beer behind.

Not fair, Mike.

Frankie, I got to brag about your son.

Axl is the perfect gentleman.

You did something right.

What is it? Tell us.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, we had him up
to the lake house last weekend,

and he was such a helper.

It was amazing!
I just love that about Axl.

I wish he was that way around our house.

- Yeah.
- Hey, tell you what.

You take Lexie, we'll take Axl,

and we can report back to each other

about how great our kids are.

[LAUGHS] Deal.

- Oh.
- Cheers!

- Cheers to that!
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- Whoo!

So, Mike, what kind of work do you do?

I work at a quarry.

No kidding.

See, Tammy?
This guy is salt of the earth.

- Mm-hmm.
- You got a man's job.

I like that.

I spend half my time on airplanes.

Listen, we're trying to decide
between granite and marble

for the bar in the game room.

What would you do?

Well, granite's stronger.

Depends on how many bar fights
you plan on having.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, wouldn't you know,
we went with marble

for the house in Colorado.

Well, we only go there once a year,

so it's not that big a deal.

Tammy, I love your necklace.

Oh, I got this on our
first trip to Hong Kong.

You know, next time you get pearls,

you've got to get them in Hong Kong.

You save so much money,
it pays for the plane ticket.

It would have to.

[LAUGHTER]

So what do you do for fun, Mike?

- What do you mean?
- You know, fun?

Uh, I play tennis,
some extreme skiing...

Uhhh, I don't know, I like extreme TV.

Also I like to barbecue.

- I love barbecue.
- Mmm.

Do you have a smoker?

Uh, only when the grease
builds up on the grill

and it catches fire.

- [LAUGHS]
- Oh!

You have to get a smoker.

They can be a little expensive,
but they're worth it.

Wait till the end of the season, though,

when they're marked down.

You can get one for a couple thou.

So, pretty slim hotel
pickin's here in Gumford, huh?

- Yeah.
- Where are you guys staying?

Oh, with Sue and Lexie.

Oh. You're so lucky. A sleepover!

Oh, I just knew we would
love you, and I do!

Don't we just love them?

Uh, let me have another beer
before I decide if I love him.

Oh, he loves you.

[LAUGHTER]

I mean, how great were
Tammy and Bennett?

You know how some people
are better than you

and they want to let you know
that they're better than you?

I mean, they're definitely
better than us,

but they didn't make us
feel like they were.

I really had them pegged wrong.

And how attractive were they?

Hello! I didn't think they made
people like that in Indiana.

You seemed to be really
hitting it off with Bennett.

Eh... I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Can't put my finger on it, but...

I wasn't impressed.

You weren't impressed?
How could you not be impressed?

Did you see his teeth?

I just wasn't, okay?

No, it's not okay.

Give me one reason
why you weren't impressed.

[SIGHS] Okay, fine. I didn't like it

when he ordered fried pickles
for the table.

But you loved the fried pickles.

I did, but I don't think people

should order for the table...

it's a power move.

Oh, you're nuts. Give me another reason.

How about I give you a "thou."

What? A "thou."

He was telling me
how I should get a smoker.

You know, it would only
cost me a couple thou.

He's on a nickname basis
with thousands of dollars.

Okay, they might be rich,
but they weren't

throwing it around in an obnoxious way.

And anyway, how cool was that move

when Bennett went to the bathroom

and picked up the check?

Power move.

No, it wasn't. It was classy.

I mean, he went to the bathroom,
and it was taken care of.

You couldn't even argue
about it, it was done.

Not like when we go out with our friends

and Bill Norwood pulls out a calculator

to tally up how much everybody got.

And Bennett even made a joke about it,

"Oh, we'll pick up the cheap one,

you'll get the expensive one.

You don't really think
they'd do that, do you?

Ah, Mr. Wolman, get used to this.

Principal Cameron, I got to get out.

I've got band practice this afternoon.

Well, I'm sorry,
but you know how it works.

You have to call a friend to come down

and make a donation
to charity to bail you out.

I, on the other hand,
do not have that option.

My prison has no bars.

And I'm serving a life sentence.

[LAUGHTER]

So Brick figured,
if no one would arrest him,

he would arrest himself.

How about sophomore year, am I right?

Knock, knock!

Hi, new best friend!

- Hi!
- Hugs!

- Hey, Bennett.
- Hey.

We were just on our way back to Carmel,

and we brought
some goodies for the girls

and a new laptop for Lexie.

They just slow down.

You almost have to get
a new one every year.

Eee, thanks, Daddy!

What should we do with the old one?

Well, you could always
give it to someone needy.

Hey, there's mister jet ski!

Yeah. Hey, we went to this
restaurant on jet skis.

Super cool. These have these...

Game's back on.

Watching the Colts?

Oh, are you a Colts fan?

Not these last few years.

I just got tired of losing, so I
jumped over to the Patriots.

Jumped over?

Yeah, it's more fun to throw
a Super Bowl party

when you're cheering for the winner.

[CHUCKLES] Am I right?

Frankie, I've got to tell you,
we had a blast last night.

Oh, us too.

Mike is still talking
about those fried pickles.

And next time, dinner is on us.

Oh, you got it. We know a great
steak-and-lobster place.

Or the barbecue place again.

That's hard to b*at.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You know what? Why don't you guys

come to the lake house next weekend?

Oh, it's settled, you're coming.

And not to worry... you're gonna
have plenty of privacy.

Rowena can make you anything
you want for dinner.

Or, wait, is it Josephina?

We have a family of sisters,
they rotate.

Bennett, we should give
Rowena the old computer.

She could sell her baskets on Etsy.

Great idea, TamTam.

Thanks again for my laptop, Dad.

Aww.

Hey, Sue, come here.

Here's, uh...

here's $ .

Why don't you get yourself
one of those fancy coffees.

What? Why?

Eh, no reason.

Really? I don't have to change a tire

or crawl under the house
to check a leak?

- No.
- Oh, my God!

$ !

Mom! Dad just gave me $ !

$ !

[LAUGHS]

- Sue, it's not that...
- Oh my God, oh my God,

oh my God, oh my God,
oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

I am gonna go get
a fancy coffee right now!

Wait.

Does it have to be a fancy coffee?

No. That was just a suggestion.

I can get anything?!
Oh, but what? I know.

I am gonna get a package
of those mini umbrellas

to make my smoothies festive.

Or an off-brand fidget spinner.

Or five things from the -cent store

and still have a nickel left over!

That's good, I'd do that.

Quick, before I spend it,
someone get a photo of Dad

giving me the $ for the scrapbook!

Uhh...

♪

Now, Mr. Heck,

you've been here for hours
and no one's come for you.

So who ya gonna call?

And don't say Ghostbusters.

It's just not that funny anymore.

I'm gonna try my good friend Troy again.

He's on the football team, too.

We're best friends.

He's gonna cr*ck up
when he finds out I'm in here.

- Oh, Tango?
- Mm-hmm.

He's on a Future Farmers of
America field trip this weekend.

[BEEP]

MIKE: I'll tell you why
I don't like that guy.

- Who?
- Bennett.

Richy rich, Bennett.

What? What are you talking about?

Bennett's great. They're both awesome.

Hey, they're a fun couple who like us,

so please don't spoil it
by showing them the real you.

It doesn't bug you at all

that he abandoned the Colts
for the Patriots?

[LAUGHING] No. Why would it?

Because that's not the way it works.

You're born the fan of a team,
and you stay a fan of that team

until you die... good or bad.

How would you like it
if I pledged my allegiance

to you in marriage

and then just gave you up
for some winner?

You know what I mean.
It goes to character.

He's just slick.

That's what I was picking up at dinner.

- That'll be $ .
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, damn it. I gave Sue my last five.

That's all you had?
You only carry around $ ?

Hobos carry more.

Well, how much do you have?

Start looking for loose change.

You know what, I bet you Bennett
didn't start his own business.

I bet he inherited it from Daddy.

That's not what TamTam said.

She said he started it with only $ .

Well, no one ever gave me $ .

[HORN HONKS]

BENNETT: Everything okay up there?

Yep, fine! Everything's fine!

Here's what I don't get,
why would you up and give

Sue $ for no reason?

I don't know.
I felt like it. That's all.

No, I think you were being competitive.

Bennett brings Lexie a new computer,

and all of a sudden,
you're tossin' around

fivers like you're Fiddy Cent.

Hey, he brought her that
laptop knowing full well

we would be there to see it.

Oh. He was showing off.

He's a showoff.

Hey, Mike.

No cash on you?

- Uh...
- Happens to all of us.

I already got the guy.
You're good to go.

[MIRROR CLATTERS]

Huh. That's funny. That never...

Yeah.

Okay, Mr. Heck,

let's wrack our brains and think.

Is there anybody else
that you could call?

Like a kid from another school
that doesn't know you very well?

Or a janitor that you're
inappropriately close with?

Well, I didn't want to have
to play this card,

but I guess I can call my ex-girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend?

Ex-girlfriend.

And I dumped her.

You dumped her.

But that was a while ago.

I'm sure she's over it by now.

Hello, Cindy? It's me, Brick.

Hello? Hello?

Okay, Mr. Heck,

it's late, and I'd like to go home.

I mean, it isn't much,
but I'd still like to go there.

Is there anybody else that you can call?

You know, just like, any body?

♪

Ahh! Brick, I got your text!

I came as fast as I could! Hi, friend!

Good to see you, friend.
Thanks for bailing me out.

I haven't seen you since
we ate French fries

at the designated meeting location

while watching ribald videos
on the Internet

and talking about our
other friends we have.

Oh!

Oh, right.

I am a good friend

bailing out my good friend
from the Sophomore Slammer.

That is what I am here to do.

And so on and so forth
and what have you.

Wait a minute.

I know you.

You're Ana Hajarajanaan. Welcome back!

Uh-huh. That's right.

I am Ana Hajarajanaan,
and it is nice to be back.

- You ready to go, Brick?
- Mm-hmm.

All right, just pay
the bail money and, uh,

we will put a b*llet
in this thing and go home.

Oh, I don't have my wallet.

Oh, wait.

I forgot.

I do have $ .

I really don't need that fancy coffee

or the fluffy pom-pom
you can hang on your purse.

And...

that puts an end to the weekend.

But before you know it,
I will be back in the morning

to dress up with the Vice Principal

as Crockett and Tubbs for ' s week.

Only seven more years till
my student loans are paid off.

[MOTOR WHIRRING] Mike? Mike!

Mike! Mike! Come and eat!

Why are you even doing this now?

We didn't pick a day to pick a day yet.

Yeah, well, I got tired of waiting,

so I picked a day to pick a day,
and today's the day.

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

♪

[ LAUGHTER ON TV]

Hey, Brick. Fun outfit.

How's ' s week?

It was not a thriller.

[CHUCKLES] That's funny.

Why?

♪

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Okay, come on, Brick.

It's gonna be okay.

I have no evidence
to support that theory.

Okay, look.

I'm gonna tell you something
that may surprise you

but it's the truth.

Sophomore year isn't what
you think it is.

There is nothing special
about sophomore year.

I don't even know where
you heard it was.

It isn't.

No one ever in the world thought that.

In fact, it's probably the
least exciting of all the years.

What?!

Then why did I break up with Cindy?

No one knows.

I thought this was supposed
to be a pep talk.

It isn't very peppy thus far.

Look, you're better off than me.

I never even saw the Sophomore Slammer.

Remember that dinner where
I kept looking out the window

and I was so sad I was using
the curtains to dry my tears?

Can you be more specific?

The point is, that was
Sophomore Slammer weekend,

and I never even got to the school.

You want to know the good
thing about you and me?

We may not be arrested,
but we never stop believing

we could be arrested.

You realize I'm using
arrested as a metaphor

for good things
like friendship, marriage,

and success in our respective careers.

- Yeah, I got that.
- Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

It's nice to have friends.

But it's better when
your friends are family.

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

Come inside! It's raining!

You're not gonna finish
this whole thing now!

I'm not planning on finishing today.

I'm just gonna till the soil now

and lay down the seed this weekend.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute!

You know, you... you... you
can't do that!

You can't do that 'cause we're going

to the lake house this weekend!

What? No, we're not.

But this the last weekend
before they close it up

for the winter. It's now or never.

- Never.
- What?

Just 'cause we got invited,
doesn't mean we got to go.

Why wouldn't we want to go?

It's a fabulous lake house

with rotating sisters who cook for you.

Give me one good reason why we can't go.

How 'bout I give you a thou?

Oh. Okay. I get what's happening.

You're jealous.

I'm not jealous.

There are just not
a lot of weekends left,

and it's gonna turn cold
and the ground will be too hard

to till, and then
it'll be another whole year

before I can get this done.

Which is the exact reason why
we should go to the lake house.

I'm not worried about the lake house.

I'm worried about our house house...

which is the only one we have...

which is why I would like it to be nice!

Oh, really? Nice.

You mean as nice as Bennett's?

Just admit it. You're jealous.

I'm not jealous.

That's what jealous people say
when they don't want

to admit that they're jealous.

I'm not jealous.

Oh, my God!

It's okay to admit it.

Look, I'm jealous, too.

But I channel my jealousy
in a healthy way

by sucking up to them
and taking their handouts.

Show an emotion, Mike!

Come on! Show an emotion!

It's okay!

People have them.

It's acceptable. Be human.

Y...

Just admit that you're jealous of him.

You're not a bad person
because you have feelings.

Say it. Come on, just say it!

Fine!

I'm jealous!

You don't think I want a lake house?

I want a lake house!

I want a canoe! I want to fish!

I want all that stuff!

I want dividends from Disney stock.

I want a box at the Pacers game.

I want his teeth!

But what am I complaining about?

I got all this.

All this is mine.

Congratulations, Frankie.

You got the mud-hole guy.

[MOTOR STOPS]

I married the mud-hole guy
because I love the mud-hole guy.

♪

Hey, anybody can be happy
with a boat and houses.

It takes a lot of love
to be happy in a mud hole.

You still want to go
to that lake house, don't you?

Oh, I was never not going.

♪

So we went to the lake.

And it was more fabulous
than I imagined.

Unfortunately, I ate
a bad roadside corn dog

on the way up and spent
the whole weekend sick.

But Mike had the time of his life.

♪

At least the bathroom
I barfed in was unbelievable.