02x12 - Inverting the Pyramid of Success

[bunniefuu]

[WOMAN] We're on in five seconds.

Four, three, two...

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Good morning. It's Friday.

Glad you could join us.
I'm your host, Jeff Stelling,

here with Chris Kamara
and George Cartrick.

As we head into the last
weekend of the season,

we have an update on those rumors
of change at West Ham United.

But first, we turn our attention
to the championship

and AFC Richmond, the club of
our former foulmouthed colleague...

- [KAMARA CHUCKLES]
- ... Roy Kent.

The headline this morning is
the news that

Ted Lasso left in the middle
of the Tottenham match this season

not due to stomach problems,
but because of a panic att*ck.

[ARLO] Lasso appears to be, uh, leaving?

[STELLING] George?

Lasso's clearly not fit to coach.

- [KAMARA SCOFFS]
- Come on now, George.

- Be compassionate.
- Oh... Come on. Come on, Jeff. Come on.

Would... Would, uh, Bill Shankly
have a panic att*ck, eh?

Would Brian Clough?

- Would Alex Ferguson have a panic att*ck?
- Aw, be fair.

No, of course he wouldn't. Look, if...

if your ship's being att*cked, right?

And you run to the bridge,

you want to find a captain
whose brain works,

not some big girl's blouse.

[KAMARA SIGHS]

- I miss Roy.
- [GEORGE, KAMARA CHUCKLE]

[SIGHS]

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

[BEEPS]

[SHARON] Hi, Ted. Remember,
the truth will set you free,

but first it'll piss you off.

I'm here if you want to talk.
Good luck this weekend.

[PHONE CLICKS]

[BEEPS]

[TYPING]

[CHUCKLES]

[TYPING]

[CHIMES]

[CLICKS]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

["YESTERDAY'S PAPERS" PLAYS]

[SHUTTERS CLICKING]

- Hey, fellas.
- [CHUCKLES]

- [PHOTOGRAPHER ] Yeah.
- [PHOTOGRAPHER LAUGHS] Good one.

Morning, Susan.

Oh. Are you all right, Ted?

Yes, ma'am. [CHUCKLES]

Are you sure about that?

[COACH BEARD] Hey, Coach.

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS] Oh. Thank you.

Hey, w*nk*r.

If my father had a panic
att*ck at Normandy,

we'd all be speaking German.

Yes, sir.

Just do the work, pal.
You'll be all right.

I assume you know
what that was all about, yeah?

Nope.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[SNIFFS] Oh, those are lovely.
Who are they from?

- Edwin Akufo.
- Oh.

"Sorry for your loss".

- Oh.
- That was thoughtful of him.

He must've heard about
your father's passing.

I've not finished. "But we will give Sam

a very good home in Casablanca".

- Ah. Still, nice gesture.
- [REBECCA SIGHS]

So, uh, Leslie, any rumblings
about which way Sam's leaning?

Not a peep, and I'm
trying to play it chill.

So whenever I see him in a hallway,
I just give him a cool nod.

You know, like this.

- Oh.
- Oh, sh*t. That was cool.

I know, right? I saw it in a
Denzel Washington movie,

and I thought, "Oh, I'm
taking that". [CHUCKLES]

Still, it's not looking great.

[KNOCKS]

Hey. What's the story, Paul Shorey?

[ALL] Ted.

So sorry about the article, Ted.

Oh, that's okay, Keeley.

You know what they say.

No such thing as bad publicity, right?

Although, I think they might've
been wrong about that one,

which is a bummer
'cause they were spot on

with the beer before liquor thing.

- Here you go, boss.
- Thank you, Ted.

And you know that
you have our full support.

I appreciate that.

I still wish I could've done something

before that d*ck Trent Crimm
posted the article.

Oh, no, come on. Trent's a good
guy. He's just doing the gig.

Well, don't worry. I'm gonna speak
directly to the owner of the paper

and see who this anonymous source was.

Nah, come on, no need. Fact is,
everything they said was true.

And unlike Lieutenant Kaffee,
I actually can handle the truth.

Mm-hmm.

Well then, my advice is
no press until after the match.

Hmm. I agree.

Concentrate on the task
in hand, b*ating Brentford.

Yes, because if we
lose, it will k*ll me.

Please don't lose, Ted. I beg you.

Hey, don't you worry, Hig Newton.
I'm on it like a bonnet.

Oh, God. These taste like sh*t.

Oh, yeah. Well, it was a rough night,

and I am now absolutely positive that

I switched the salt and sugar.
I'm sorry about that.

[RETCHES]

No, no, no.

No, it's interesting.

She's a sneaky, salty bitch.

Hmm. Like Heather Locklear
on Melrose Place, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Right?
- Mmm.

- That's exactly how you'd describe her.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

Oh, Heather.

- [CHATTERING]
- [SAM] Hello.

- [THIERRY] I will not be safe out there.
- Hey.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

All right?

Is, uh, Roy here?

I don't hear any grunting.

Ah.

- Hey, morning. [INHALES SHARPLY]
- Morning, Nate.

Um, is Roy here?

No. [INHALES SHARPLY]

You seen this? [SIGHS]

Mm. Oh, uh, uh... Yes,
I... Oof. It's awful.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. It was awful.

Yeah.

Roy...

Jamie's looking for you.

Oh, is he?

Oi!

Tartt!

Me?

Through there? Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Wait. Can I... Can I just
say something first?

Yeah, okay. That's a good idea

'cause when I'm done,
you won't have any teeth left,

and you'll need them
for the talking bit.

Right, uh, um... Yeah, okay.
Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

So, at Rebecca's dad's funeral,

I told Keeley that I still loved her.

It was wrong, and I
shouldn't have done it,

but I ain't used to being
around dead people.

It... It just... It did something
to me, emotionally, you know?

But I still... I shouldn't have
done it, and it was wrong,

but I just need you to
know that I respect you,

and... and I respect Keeley,
and I respect your relationship,

and I will never ever do
anything like that ever again.

f*ck!

[DOOR SLAMS]

[WILL] Whoa.

Sorry. I kind of froze
when you two came in here,

and I-I-I just didn't know what to do.

All right.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, no, it definitely sounds
both helpful and compassionate.

[INHALES] But I don't think that

you moderating a session between

Coach Lasso and a celebrity psychiatrist

is the best move right now.

All his attention is on Brentford.

Thank you very much.

f*ck you, Piers Morgan.

[GASPS] Holy f*cking sh*t!

Oh, my...

[GIGGLES]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Circle up!

Thank you, Coach.

Hey, fellas.

Before we get started here,
I wanted to talk to y'all about

the article you saw
in the paper this morning.

Actually, y'all probably saw it
on your phones.

I still get the paper, 'cause, well,

you can't cut cartoons
out of a phone, right?

Yeah, but you can screenshot
them and text them.

That's copyright infringement, bruv.

- Oh.
- I hear you, Zoreaux,

but you can't hang a screenshot
on a fridge either.

My refrigerator has a television.

- Oh, I think I have the same one.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]

- I bought it...
- The point is,

y'all found out about something
from somewhere,

when you should've found
out about it from me first.

But I chose not to tell y'all,
and that was dumb.

You know, fellas, we make
a lot of choices in our lives

every single day,

ranging from,

"Am I really about to eat something
called Greek yogurt?"

Ooh.

To, "Should I leave my family

and take a job halfway
around the world?"

Me choosing not to be forthright
with y'all, that was a bad choice.

But I can't be wasting time
wishing for a do-over on all that.

'Cause that ain't how
choices work. No, sir. No.

That choice, and my
Chicago Bulls Starter jacket

that I let Janelle Rhodes borrow
my sophomore year 'cause

she spilled ketchup all over herself,

and it looked like she'd been sh*t,

those are two things
I ain't getting back.

'Cause every choice is a chance, fellas.

And I didn't give myself the chance

to build further trust with y'all.

To quote the great UCLA
college basketball coach,

John Obi-Wan Gandalf,

"It is our choices, gentlemen,
that show what we truly are,

far more than our abilities".

Now, I hope y'all can forgive me
for what I've done.

'Cause I sure as heck wouldn't want

any of y'all to hold anything
back with me.

- Nah, we got you, Coach. We got you.
- [SAM] We got you, Coach.

[PLAYERS CHATTER]

Yeah, no problem, gaffer.

And when we sniff out the rat,

permission to take socks full of soap
to their stomach and chest?

We're gonna find 'em and f*ck 'em up!

- [PLAYERS YELLING] Yeah!
- We'll k*ll him!

- Follow the money!
- [BLOWS WHISTLE]

No, fellas, look. I'm gonna nip
that talk in the butt right now.

It's "bud" not "butt", Coach.

It is? Oh, 'cause of flowers, right?

Horticulture, baby!

That makes more sense.
I appreciate that. Thank you.

No, look, gentlemen.
I want us to focus on

something a little bit more productive,

like working on
Nate the Great's false nine.

- How's that sound? Okay, good.
- [PLAYERS] Yes. Yeah.

[TED] Okay, anybody got any
questions before we get started?

- Yeah, I got one.
- Yeah, Jamie, what do you got?

What are we gonna do
with that f*cking thing there?

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

Yeah, that's a good point. Okay.

Well, tell you what, let's
all head to the north field,

and if you guys hustle, that'll count
as our cardio for today, yeah?

Scram! Whistle! Whistle!

- [KNOCKS]
- [HIGGINS] Come in.

[GASPS]

- [PUPPY WHINING]
- Oh, what's this?

This is Mascot Idol: Semifinals.

One of these two contestants
will be our new mascot.

Will it be Macy Greyhound
or Tina Feyhound?

[CHUCKLES] Aw. Are they all
from Barkingham Palace?

Yep.

[HIGGINS] Miss Campbell
here runs the shelter.

London's premier all-female dog breeder.

Suzi Campbell. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Huge fan.

Oh, thanks.

Huge fan.

Thank you.

[CHUCKLES]

Is now a bad time?

Um, no. Uh, could you give
us a minute, please?

Oh. Sure.

Wow. [CHUCKLES]

Nice to meet you.

Um, something wrong?

Actually, something is incredibly right.

The money people that back Bantr,

they wanna finance me
opening my own PR firm.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, my God!

I know, right?

[SIGHS] I need some advice.

I'm... I'm flattered that you came to me

instead of Ted or Roy. [CHUCKLES]

They're at training.

Well, instead of Rebecca then.

She's the one I'm afraid of telling.

I'm happy to be on the list.

I'm scared.

Well, look. That is perfectly natural.

It can be terrifying becoming a boss.

No. I'm scared of telling
Rebecca I'm leaving.

Oh, right. Because
she's so intimidating.

No. She's one of my best friends.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
And you leaving would be

a betrayal on a level usually
reserved for Greek mythology.

No.

I just... I don't want to appear
like I'm not grateful

for the amazing opportunity
she's given me here.

Keeley, a good mentor
hopes you will move on.

A great mentor knows you will.

Ooh. I like that.

Yeah? Just made it up.

Wow.

I told Edwin Akufo I would give him

my answer after the match on Sunday.

[SAM'S FATHER] Does this mean
you've made a decision?

[INHALES SHARPLY] I think so. [SIGHS]

Hmm? Yes?

- [SIGHS] I don't know.
- Mmm.

I'd be crazy not to go, right?

Samuel, you're overthinking this. Relax.

Stop looking for the answer
and let the answer come to you.

If you open yourself to it,
the universe will give you a sign.

Daddy, w-with all due respect,

isn't this decision too important
to be left to the universe?

The universe has always
put me on the right path.

The universe told me
to marry your mother

and to buy Bitcoin in .

- !
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Okay, Dad. I'll keep an eye out
for any messages from the universe.

Uh-huh.

- I love you.
- I love you.

[PLAYERS IN PARK SHOUTING]

[CHUCKLES]

[WATER RUNNING]

[WATER STOPS]

This morning, Jamie apologized to me

for what he said to you at the funeral.

I didn't say anything.

I know. He said he did it on his own.

What did you do?

What do you think I did?

Punched him.

- Headbutted him.
- Keep going.

Did you m*rder him?

No. Worse. I f*cking forgave him.

It's disgusting, innit?

No. I'm really proud of you.

I fully support that.

[SIGHS]

Wait. I've got some news too.

Oh, for f*ck's sake. Don't tell me Ted

tried to get off with you and all.

The VC that back Bantr,

they want to finance me
opening my own PR firm.

Holy f*cking sh*t. That is huge.

Whoo! [SHOUTS, LAUGHS]

You are a f*cking CEO
and sh*t. That's amazing.

[CHUCKLES] I know.

I love you so much.

[MOANS]

[KISSES]

Look at you. The boss.

[CHUCKLES]

Not gonna have time for me anymore.

Shut your pretty mouth.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[CELL PHONE BUZZES]

Just need a second. It's Jane.

Hmm. How's all that going?

Uh, we broke up. [SIGHS]

[PHONE VIBRATES]

Oh. We're back on. Phew.

Here you go, boys.

Mmm. Thanks, Mae.

Thanks, Mae.

[SIGHS]

Don't worry about it, Ted.

It'll all wash out in a cycle.
It always does.

Thank you, Mae.

[SIGHS] I was finished anyway.

We're opening the champagne.

What? No, I thought we were saving that

for something really, really special.

Well, we didn't open it when
your mum moved back up north.

We didn't open it when England
got zero points in the Eurovision.

And we didn't open it when the
neighbor ran over their own snake.

Oh! [SHUDDERS] That was nasty.

- So we are drinking it tonight. Duck.
- [CORK POPS]

Ooh!

[KEELEY] Yay. [CHUCKLES]

[TABLET CHIMES]

[GASPS] sh*t!

Lizzy just sent over a preview
of the Vanity Fair article.

Oh, sh*t. They better not have
used any pictures of me smiling.

Like that exists.

- Wow.
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, no.

They didn't use any of the
pictures with you in them.

sh*t, I'm so sorry, Roy.
That is not cool.

- I'm gonna reach out and change that.
- Don't you dare.

Don't you change a f*cking thing.

You look powerful.
You're f*cking gorgeous.

You look like a BILF.

Oh, yeah? Go on, show me, then.

[KISSES]

So...

are you gonna say anything?

Well, I mean, eventually, yeah.

You may have noticed through the
years I can be quite loquacious.

No. To Nate.

The anonymous source.

Oh.

Wow. What makes you think it was Nate?

Yeah.

Well, you know my philosophy

when it comes to cats,
babies and apologies, Coach.

You gotta let 'em come to you.

That's not gonna happen.

Some people need a little push.

Yeah. Well, I ain't pushing nobody.

I think it'll help.

Nate will be fine.

No. It'll help you.

Coach, you keep trying
to hold all this in,

I'm afraid your mustache
is gonna pop off.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh. Then I'll look like that
fella from The Hangover.

Bradley Cooper.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Aw.
You're too good to me.

And I like your mustache.

Hi, babe.

Hi.

Have you got a second?

Of course.

I'm so sorry.

No, don't be.

It's good.

You helped this panda
become a lion. [CHUCKLES]

I'm so proud of you. [CHUCKLES]

- [CRIES, SNIFFLES]
- Thank you.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [PHONE VIBRATES]

Holy f*cking sh*t.

Oh, no. Now what?

Rupert's just bought West Ham United.

- No.
- [SIGHS]

And to think for a second,

I thought him giving me
his shares in the club

was a kind gesture.

[SNIFFLES, SIGHS]

You know, I'm actually
quite reassured to find out

that he is still just a
selfish conniving cock.

Yeah. It does return a certain balance

to the universe, doesn't it?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Promise me you will not
go and work for him.

- He can't afford me.
- [CHUCKLES]

Richmond is my football club.
You know that.

Hmm.

Well, that's if we get
promoted. [SNIFFLES]

You might not want to work with us.

[LAUGHS] That's fair. [SIGHS]

A bit of advice for being a boss.

Hire your best friend.

[CRIES]

- f*ck you.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

[CRIES, SNIFFLES] Now I'm crying again.

[CRIES]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING, CHATTERING]

Anyone want a ticket?

- All right, Mae?
- Oi, oi, Mae!

- Come on, Richmond!
- [CROWD] Come on, Richmond!

Come on, Richmond!

You get out there and you b*at 'em.

We'll smash it, right?

You get them. f*ck 'em.

[JAMIE] Go, Coach.

Hmm.

Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon.
- Afternoon. [CHUCKLES]

All right. Y'all good to go on running

Nate's false nine today, yeah?

Well, you'd be fools not to.

- [TED] All right.
- [CLICKS TONGUE]

Yeah, we ought to give it a sh*t.

Why change it now?

I agree.

Whoa! Uh-oh. Did you get kicked
out of your office again?

No, no. Temporary relocation
while they change the carpet in there.

It was absolutely covered in dog sh*t.

Oh, yeah. No, been there, done that.

Okay. Well, anybody else got
anything they wanna talk about

before we head out there?

Yeah. Um,

I could, uh,

uh, use some, uh...

advice.

Wha... Hold on.

Roy, are you saying you wanna
become a Diamond Dog?

f*ck no. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind

being in the room

whilst it f*cking happens.

Yeah. O-Okay. Well, how about
a one-time visitor's pass

for our junkyard dog here, yeah?

- [HOWLS]
- [HOWLS]

Woof.

Diamond Dogs, mount up!

[TED] Yeah. I gotcha.

- Yeah. I'm just gonna stay put.
- Okay. Good idea. Yeah.

[TED GRUNTS] You live, you learn,
right? Thank you, Alanis.

All right. Roy.

Bark away.

Remember I told you I had to do
that photo sh**t thing with Keeley?

- Yeah, we got it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I know I said I f*cking hate
doing those things,

and I do f*cking hate
doing those things.

But in the end,

they didn't use a single
picture with me in it.

And it hurt my...

feeling.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

In year five, I was not
allowed in the class photo

because I developed
a rare smile allergy.

Oof. [GRUNTS]

Not the same situation.

The thing is, sh...

she looked so f*cking great.

On her own.

Without me.

So natural.

I...

It would've actually been f*cking
weird if I was in the pictures.

And then at Rebecca's dad's funeral,

Jamie f*cking Tartt tells her
he's f*cking in love with her.

- Whoa.
- Dah!

And he's still alive?

Yeah. Instead of b*ating him
to death, I f*cking forgave him.

I'm still f*cking furious about it.

Okay. Well, Roy, we appreciate
you barking at us.

Um... [CLEARS THROAT]

There's something I, uh,
I have to confess as well.

Um...

Go ahead, Nate-dawg.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Roy,

when Keeley and I went shopping
the other day, I kissed her. [SIGHS]

Yeah. She told me about it.

It's okay.

I... I kissed her.
I kissed your girlfriend.

We're good.

All Jamie did was talk to her,
and you wanted to k*ll him.

Don't you at least wanna
headbutt me or something?

You made a mistake, Nate.
Don't worry about it.

No, no, I deserve to be headbutted.

I'd be happy to headbutt you, Nate.

Okay, you know what?
I think that's enough right now.

We got work to do, yeah?
Diamond Dogs dismount?

- [HOWLS]
- [HOWLS]

Wait. So sometimes
the f*cking Diamond Dogs

is just chatting about sh*t,

and no one has to f*cking solve anything

and nothing f*cking changes?

Sometimes. Yeah.

That's cool.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Oh, my God.

- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [MOUTHING WORDS] Yes, yes, yes! Whoo!

[ARLO] It's the rd clash
between these two teams

and there's never been more at stake.

Brentford with the lead but Richmond

are still in their unusual
false nine formation.

I don't like it, Arlo. The last match
of the season for promotion.

It's a funny time to be pulling
out a new strategy.

[FANS CHATTERING, SHOUTING]

[ARLO] Richmond trying
to even it up before the half,

but they give away possession,
and Brentford have numbers.

[FANS CHEERING]

[BRENTFORD PLAYER] Yeah!

- f*ck!
- [ARLO] And that's -nil to Brentford.

[CHRIS] You try new tactics
this late with this much at stake

and everyone loses their heads.

Stay back! How many times do I
have to f*cking tell ya? Stay back.

[MOUTHING WORDS] It's all right.

Hey. We're all right!

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [TED] It's okay! Come on now!

- [FANS BOOING]
- [ARLO] And it's halftime

of what has been a pulsating
West London derby.

Brentford lead -nil,

and Richmond are letting
a golden opportunity

slip through their fingers.

I'ma sh**t y'all straight.
This is bleak, yeah?

I mean, look at it out there.

Looks like a Renaissance painting
portraying masculine melancholy.

[SIGHS] Okay, so now what?
What we gonna do?

We should abandon the false nine.

It'd work if we had players who knew
what the f*ck they were doing.

Yeah, I don't agree, Nate.

You know, I think we
gotta stick with it, man.

You know, they just had minutes
to figure out what not to do.

Yeah? What do you think, Roy?

You should ask them.

They're the ones out there
actually doing this sh*t.

Yeah, all right.

All right, fellas.

Coaches and I are having a little debate

and wanna get y'all's take on it.

Should we stick with the
false nine or switch it up?

[SIGHS]

The tactic is sound,

and we're all perfectly
capable of executing it.

It will work.

Hey, if Jan Maas says it,
you know it's the truth, right?

- I wouldn't lie to you.
- [GIGGLES]

For instance, Zoreaux, you should
have saved that first goal.

Bro.

[PLAYERS CHUCKLING]

Okay. It's been decided. We're
gonna stick with Nate's false nine.

- Now, come on. Bring it in. Let's go.
- Here we go, Greyhounds!

[PLAYERS CHEERING, CHATTERING]

Hey, Captain?

You gonna join us?

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Richmond on three. One, two, three...

[ALL] Richmond! [CHEERING]

Here we go, Richmond!

[BREATHES HEAVILY, SIGHS]

Hey, Nate.

Hey.

Everything okay?

Yes, Ted. Everything is okay.

What is it? Hmm? What'd I do?

[SCOFFS] What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, man.

You're mad as hell at me.
I just wanna know why.

Huh? What have I got to learn here?

- You wanna know what you did?
- Yeah, please.

Okay. I'll tell you what you did.

You made me feel like I was the most

important person in the whole world.

And then, you abandoned me.

Like you switched out
a light, just like that.

And I... I worked my ass off,
trying to get your attention back.

To prove myself to you.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]

To make you like me again.

But the more... the more I did,
the less you cared.

It was like I was f*cking invisible.

You haven't even got
the photo I gave you

for Christmas up in your office.

Just a picture of dumb Americans.

Now you're gonna play Nate's false nine,
so when the team f*ck up,

which they will, hey,
you can blame it on me.

Well, no. f*ck that.

[SNIFFLES] Everybody loves you.

The Great Ted Lasso. Well, I...
I think you're a f*cking joke.

Without me, you wouldn't
have won a single match.

They would've shipped your ass
back to Kansas, where you belong.

With your... With your son.

'Cause you... you sure as hell
don't belong here.

But I do. I belong here.

This didn't just fall into my lap,
all right? I... I earned this.

I know you did, Nate.

And if I didn't tell you how important

you were to me enough,
I'm sorry about that.

No, no. You know what?
You're full of sh*t.

Just f*ck you, Ted.

[FANS CHEERING]

[ARLO] Richmond down two, sticking
with their false nine formation

as Brentford are on the att*ck.

Chris, is time running out on Richmond's

chances to control their future?

Only if you think of
time as linear, Arlo.

Yes, Chris. I do.

[ARLO] Good pressure from Rojas.

That's lovely from Tartt.

Obisanya is in.

He scores!

[FANS CHEERING]

And thanks to that Obisanya goal,

Richmond's hopes for
promotion are still alive.

Let's go! Let's go! Come on! One more!

[CHEERING]

Oh, my God!

That's how you play a false nine, Arlo.

Pack the midfield, stay organized.
Look for the gaps. Well done.

- Hey, here we go!
- [ROY] Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

- [TEAM CHEERING, SHOUTING]
- Yes!

[ARLO] All the other results are in.

AFC Richmond,

miraculously after a historically
dreadful start to the season,

are only one point out of second place.

[CHANTING]

Come on, Richmond. Come on, Richmond.

[ARLO] If they can
somehow salvage a draw,

Richmond will be promoted
back to the Premier League.

[CHRIS] All they need is one moment
of individual brilliance, Arlo.

- [CHANTING CONTINUES] Come on, Richmond.
- [ARLO] Can they find it in time?

Come on, Richmond. Come on, Richmond.

Come on, Richmond. Come on,
Richmond. Come on, Richmond...

[ARLO] A long ball from the Dutchman.

Tartt is there!

Is this the moment for Richmond?

[FANS SHOUTING]

Referee!

Referee!

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [ARLO] It's a penalty.

[COACH BEARD] Yeah!

- Yes!
- Yes! Yes!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CHRIS] We have to think
Tartt will be the one to take it.

He hasn't missed a penalty all season.

[FANS CHEERING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[BRENTFORD PLAYER CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY]

Dani.

You got this, muchacho.

It'll be fun. Trust me.

[ARLO] It looks like Tartt
is giving the ball to Rojas,

who hasn't kicked a
penalty since, well...

Come on, Dani!

[EXHALES]

[TEAMMATES CHATTERING]

Let's go, Dani!

Here we go, Dani!

[CHATTERING]

[FANS CHATTERING]

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

[DOG WHIMPERS]

Football is life.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[ARLO] Richmond have done it!

With that goal, they'll
finish in second place

and will return to the Premier League

in their very first attempt.

[CHANTING]

We are going up! Yeah, we are going up!

Yeah!

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [ARLO] It's all over!

Richmond have done the impossible

through grit, determination
and most of all belief!

[CHRIS] I was promoted a time
or two in my career, Arlo.

It's a real achievement.

Richmond deserve this.

[ARLO] They remain a club without
a major trophy, it must be said.

- [PLAYERS, CROWD CHANTING]
- But it won't feel that way tonight.

Final score: Richmond , Brentford .

And the joy is back at Nelson Road.

[CHATTERING, CHEERING]

- Yeah!
- Hey! Come on! Come on!

[GROANS] f*cking hell!
What'd you do that for?

- So I could do this.
- [GRUNTS]

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Yes! Let's go!

- Yeah!
- [LAUGHING]

- Oh!
- Yeah!

- You want some water?
- Yes, please.

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

[TEAMMATES, SINGING]
♪ We're Richmond till we die ♪

♪ We know we are, we're sure we are
we're Richmond till we die ♪

♪ We're Richmond till we die
we're Richmond till we die ♪

♪ We know we are, we're sure we are
we're Richmond till we die ♪

♪ We're Richmond till we die
we're Richmond till we die ♪

♪ We know we are, we're sure we are
we're Richmond till we die ♪

♪ We're Richmond till we die ♪

Sam.

♪ We know we are, we're sure we are ♪

♪ We're Richmond till we die
we're Richmond till we die ♪

♪ We know we are, we're sure we are
we're Richmond till we die ♪

- [SINGING CONTINUES]
- [INHALES SHARPLY, SIGHS]

Sam! Hey. Sammo, hey.

Excellent performance.

Yeah, the goal, of course,
speaks for itself, yeah.

But your tactical discipline, hey.

They are certainly going
to miss you around here.

Ah, um... [CHUCKLES] Mr. Akufo.

I truly enjoyed meeting you,

uh, a-and I'm so flattered
by your offer.

I'm sorry, but my answer is,
"No, thank you".

And I... I don't believe my time
here at Richmond is over.

And... And for that
reason, I have to stay.

I hope you can understand.

You Nigerian m*therf*cker!

Whoa.

You Yoruba trash.

Who the f*ck do you think
you are, wasting my time?

You medium-talent piece of sh*t.

"Medium-talent"?

I will dedicate my life to destroying
you, you f*cking assh*le!

Hmm? You will never play
on the Nigerian national team.

Hmm. You understand
me, pinky-d*ck? Never!

Huh?

I will buy your childhood home,

and I will take a sh*t in every room.

And then I will burn the place down.

Yeah. Then, I will sit there,
and I'll eat kenkey,

and I'll poop on the f*cking ashes.
I promise you this, hey.

Okay. [CHUCKLES]

I will never forget this disrespect.

f*ck you, Sam Obisanya.

f*cking dare!

- [CRASHING, THUDDING]
- That d*ck! [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING, STRAINING]

[GRUNTS] Huh?

Yes. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Poop, poop.

[SPEAKING TWI]

- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
- Okay, y'all. Hey, settle down, y'all.

Okay, okay. Easy, easy now.
Easy. Hey, hey.

Y'all, come on. Calm down,
all right? Look, um...

Well, right off the cricket bat here,
I wanna address the article

written by our good friend,
Mr. Trent Crimm from The...

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

Or rather, I want to share
with y'all the truth

about my recent struggles with anxiety.

And, well, my overall concern

about the way we discuss and deal
with mental health in athletics.

[REPORTERS SHOUTING]

[KNOCKS]

Hey, boss. Just wanted to congratulate
you on your promotion.

You too, Ted. Champagne to celebrate?

I'll just take a glass of water, please.

Still or sparkling?

Yes. Still. Right.

You know, before living here,
I used to think still water

was just folks saying it's
still water, you know?

Like, it was water, and it continues
to remain to be water.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, there's no greater
education than travel.

A-freaking-men. [CHUCKLES]

Well, hey. Next season should
be fun, right? [CHUCKLES]

Well, one that'll include an old friend.

Rupert's bought West Ham United.

Did he now?

Well, that'll be a nice change.

Having our run-ins with him
being scheduled,

- as opposed to his normal sneak att*cks.
- [CHUCKLES]

Hi, Rebecca.

And Coach.

Uh, sorry. [CHUCKLES]

No. Hey. Sam, go ahead. Stick around.
I was getting ready to leave.

- No, Ted. Stay.
- No, no, no, no. It's okay.

Yeah. Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Um, I just wanted to let you both know

that I've decided to stay.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

Hey, that's great, Sam.

Yes. I'm glad to hear that, Sam.

How did Edwin Akufo take the news?

Um, not... not well.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, he stormed off.

He's already halfway back to Ghana.

Oh, sh**t. I was really looking forward

to that goodbye handshake from
Francis. [CLICKS TONGUE]

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I should go.

Hey, Sam. I... I was just curious.

Uh, what, um... Why'd
you decide to stay?

Um... [SIGHS]

I wish I could say it was
because of my feelings for you,

but the truth is,

I think I need to stop worrying
about how others feel about me.

I'm staying because it's what's best
for me and my personal journey.

Mmm.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hmm.

Thank you.

He might have been talking to you
when he was looking at me.

Yes. I know that, Ted.

[CLEARS THROAT, SIGHS]

- Oh, hell. You crushed that.
- [SIGHING] Yeah.

Coach Lasso.

Hey. There he is. I was
worried about you.

I thought you might've been
in a bike accident.

Actually, I don't know
how to ride a bicycle.

Really? That surprises me.

Why? 'Cause of the hair
and the whole vibe?

Yeah, I guess so.

Why the heck weren't you
at the press conference?

Because I am no longer a reporter.

I was fired when they found out

I revealed an anonymous source.

Oh, snap. I... I didn't
say anything, I promise.

No, I know, Ted. I did.

I'm looking for something
different. Deeper.

Hmm. Well, as the man says,
you gotta follow your bliss, right?

Sorry you're out of a job.

You know what this makes
you now, though, right?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Trent
Crimm. Independent.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, yeah. My father
made the same joke.

Yeah. He sounds like a cool guy. Mmm.

Well, I hope our paths
cross again soon, Trent.

As do I, Ted. I love our chats.

You want a ride?

Well, I prefer to walk,
but I appreciate ya.

And Ted,

good luck next season.

[HANDLE CLICKS]

[GROANS]

sh*t.

[SIGHS]

- This the last of it?
- Yeah. Just these and Trixibelle.

Right.

I got you a last-day-working-in-
the-same-building present.

Here.

Airplane tickets?

You got me airplane tickets?

To Marbella.

How did you get actual printed tickets?

From my travel agent, Kathy.
She's old-school.

Roy, are you sure they still
take paper tickets at airports?

Like, is the plane gonna
have propellers?

Oh, my God. Am I gonna be able
to smoke on the flight?

Right, stop it. You are
missing the point.

[LAUGHS]

Tomorrow, you and I

are going to a villa by
the sea for six weeks

so you can chill out before you
start kicking ass in your new job.

And I'm going to take the first
holiday I've taken since I was ,

where I don't have to stay in shape
or rehab my f*cking knee.

I'm gonna gorge myself
to death on tapas,

and it will take f*cking ages.

[LAUGHS]

Babe, thank you.

But I can't go.

What? Why not?

I don't start work in six weeks.

- I started like a week ago.
- Yeah, I know.

That's why I made sure the place
has got proper Wi-Fi and everything.

You can do all your emails and sh*t,

but from a balcony with a sea view.

Roy, I'd love to. But I can't.

I... I just can't.

But you should go.

Are we breaking up?

No. Why would you say that?

Of course not.

You are gonna take a well-earned holiday

while I lock myself in a dark room
and work nonstop.

And I'll see you in six weeks.

Keeley.

Roy. I love you.

We'll be fine.

I'll see you in six weeks.

[KISSES]

[GROWLS]

Congratulations.

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
- What's it gonna be?

A Nigerian restaurant.

- [MAN] Move! I want it faster! Go!
- [PLAYERS] Coach! Sir!

- [COACH BLOWS WHISTLE] Move!
- [PLAYERS] Coach!

- [BLOWS WHISTLE] Next. Go.
- Sir!

- [BLOWS WHISTLE] Move it!
- Coach!

- [BLOWS WHISTLE] Go!
- Sir!

- [BLOWS WHISTLE] Move! Go!
- Coach!

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

- [COACH] Move! Go!
- [PLAYERS] Coach! Sir!

- Move!
- Coach!