01x17 - Doctor No

[bunniefuu]

Thanks for cooking, Ma.

I haven't had a real
home-cooked meal in...

one day.

God, you're pretty.

Oh, you're lucky you're pretty, too.

Oh, I've missed nights like this.

Everybody I love under the same roof.

Well, my wife couldn't
make it, so not everyone.

I knew what I was saying.

You guys got to come see
what the girls did to Grandpa.

It's awesome.

I bet it's not as awesome
as your mother's coffee.

I made that.

It's bitter. I don't...

We turned him into a princess.

He's all over my Instagram now.

You're about to break the Internet.

Good. I hate the Internet.

Princess Cranky, the grumpiest
princess in all the land.

You're such a pushover when
it comes to these kids, Joe.

Well, I can't say no
to these sweet faces.

Ah, well, when you live with them,

that wears off pretty quick.

Okay, guys, up to bed.

- Good night, Grandpa.
- Good night, Grandpa.

- Good night.
- Night. Night.

- Love you.
- Night. Oh.

Ooh, this damn shoulder's
barking at me again.

You got a couple of pain pills?

Did you check your purse?

Relax, Princess. I'll get
you some from the kitchen.

I worry about your dad.

He's been taking way
too many pills lately.

Well, if they're mood enhancers,
they've met their match.

What does his doctor say about all this?

Oh, he hasn't been
to the doctor since...

Well, it was the morning
after Obama first won.

His blood pressure
sh*t through the roof.

Ma, that's almost ten years ago.

You got to get him to go.

I've tried, but he is
so stuck in his ways.

About everything.

Bought him a cordless phone.

He still stands right next to the base.

Makes me furious.

Well, somebody should talk to him.

Any volunteers?

Fine, I'll do it.

- Oh, thank you, honey.
- Mm-hmm.

No, no, no. No.

Let's go upstairs and
pretend like we don't know

what's happening. Come on.

I learn something new
from you every day.

Dad, you got to go to the doctor.

If you don't get a check-up,

how will you know if
something's wrong with you?

I'd rather not know.

Smile, smile, smile, dead.

That's how I want to punch my ticket.

Okay.

Okay, when did you ever smile?

(laughs)

He smiles at me all the time.

Yeah, see? Why can't you
be more like your brother?

He's always on my side, right, Donny?

Ah, you got it, Pops.

He's not on your side,
he's just a big yes man.

Everybody's a yes man
when you're always right.

All right, all right, so
let me get this straight.

You two jokers have decided
you don't need doctors.

I got through the Vietnam
w*r on aspirin and Bengay.

That's not true.

You weren't there.

You weren't there!

Adam, let me talk to you
for a minute in the kitchen.

Come on.

What?

I just brought you in
here so Dad could leave.

What?

Dad!

Thanks for letting me borrow your car.

All right, Mom and
Dad'll be here any minute.

Dad's been avoiding me all week about

going to the doctor, but I know

he can't resist brunch.

That man would walk into a hail
of b*ll*ts for a plate of bacon.

Yeah. I turned the exhaust fan on high

so the smell wafts outside.

He's gonna float in
here like a cartoon bear.

You guys might get along better
if you stop nagging the old man.

Hey, I'd much rather be
the fun son, like you,

but someone has to step
up and deal with things.

And that kind of attitude
is why he doesn't invite you

to go mall walking with us.

You guys go mall walking together?

Yeah. We got matching
sweat suits. It's adorable.

I'd mall walk if someone asked me.

Three guys in matching sweat suits?

That's a boy band, Adam.

Honey, I'll go mall walking with you.

Not you.

- Hey.
- Morning.

ADAM: Hey, Ma.

Where's Dad?

He won't come. He doesn't want

to hear it about the doctor.

But Lowell was nice enough

to give me a ride.

He told me if I ever needed anything,

I should call him.

I didn't think she'd really call.

Oh, she calls.

ADAM: Oh. I love him.

It's like having a house boy.

Lowell, you do not want to
start driving her around.

All right? She's got
a million places to go,

and they all suck.

I can't tell her no; she's too nice.

Listen, when I first married Adam,

I got roped into driving her everywhere.

And the only way I got out of it

was by going into labor with Kate

in the middle of a yarn shop.

And before Andi, I used to drive her.

That's when I learned
a little trick called

"pretending to fall asleep."

I got it from watching the possums

on The Animal Channel.

Who wouldn't mind driving me

to the outlets on Saturday?

I can't believe Dad wouldn't come.

He is so stubborn.

Oh, the both of you are stubborn.

Hey, don't say I'm like Dad.

You know I hate that.

I wasn't going to.

I was just going to
look at Andi knowingly.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, so nobody's gonna do anything?

- Mm-mm.
- Mm-mm.

Fine.

I'll go over there and talk to Dad...

who I'm nothing like...

and be the bad guy like I always am.

Bacon's not my only w*apon.

I got one more way to turn up the heat.

Good luck. He already
keeps the heat on 82.

You should see how I
sweat through my nightgown.

Ma, no.

Dad, I know you're home. I
heard you yelling at the news.

Hey. Would you stop banging on my house?

I'm trying to get my
dad to come out here.

Wait, you're the landlord.
Can you unlock his door for me?

Nah, I like him more than you.

You like him?

He calls you Mrs. Chiquita Banana.

Yeah, and I call him Colonel Sanders.

We have a thing, we're fun.

(groans)

What's with all the yapping, Charo?

Dad, just get in the car.

I don't have to do what you say.

Fine, I can stand out here all day.

Eh, not on my front porch, you can't.

All right, you old drumstick,

- get your Kentucky Fried butt in the car.
- Okay.

Okay, settle down. I'm going.

You want to learn how to be a man?

Watch her.

Wow.

He got us both in one sh*t. He's good.

Mm.

Grandpa, please go to the doctor.

TEDDY: Yeah, Grandpa.

If you're gone, who's gonna ask me

to pull their finger every morning?

Grandma?

No, that's a grandpa's job.

He's teetering.

Yep. And now the little one for the win.

Please go to the doctor, Grandpa.

I love you so much.

Oh, kids, I can't say no to you.

So why don't you leave the room
so I can say no to your dad.

Come on!

(scoffs) Everybody in this room

goes to the doctor once a year.

Okay, it's what normal humans do.

What is your problem?

Look, I had this friend,
Barney, from the VFW.

His wife was named Libby.

I always found that strange.

Libby. What's that short for?

Elibabeth?

Can I talk here?

Anyway, it had been a while,

and Barney went in
'cause he had a cough.

When he came out of
that doctor's office,

his cough was gone.

Because he was dead.

Poor Elibabeth.

Now she's a wibow.

Don't do what he does.

Let's go, Donny.

I'm with you, Dad, just
like on our mall walks

that Adam is not invited to.

Yeah, did you know they
go mall walking together?

I never should have
said anything to Adam.

Now they're just in a big fight.

(Andi groans)

Bev, this is going nowhere.

Oh, they're throwing handfuls
of snow at each other.

Oh, well, that's nice. I
like to see my boys playing.

Here's what we'll do: I
will call Adam's doctor

and make Joe an appointment,

and then you will
annoy him until he goes.

I can do annoying.

Hi, um, I'd like to make an appointment

with Dr. Phillips, please.

What?

Oh. Uh...

No, that's okay. I'll call back.

- Okay, bye-bye.
- What happened?

Dr. Phillips retired five years ago.

But Adam said he sees him every year,

which means someone's a liar.

Why would Dr. Phillips
lie about his retirement?

Oh, that's right, you're Don's mom, too.

Listen, you can't make me
do what I don't want to do.

So why don't you go back in the kitchen

with the rest of the jibbedas.

What's a jibbeda?

You know, jibbeda, jibbeda, jibbeda.

Adam?

Look, I was thinking,

maybe your dad would feel
better if you told him

how your last physical went.

Huh? Wh-When was that again?

Uh, I don't know, I saw Dr. Phillips,

like, six months ago.

Checked my heart,

my blood pressure,

gave me the one-handed juggle.

That's interesting because

Dr. Phillips retired five years ago.

Yeah.

I just called his office. Busted.

No, no, not busted.

I still go to his office,
but I see a different doctor.

Oh, really? What's his name?

Dr. Pepper.

Literally any other
name would've worked.

Adam, why haven't you
been going to the doctor?

Get him, Bev.

How can you say that to me and not Dad?

Because I live with him and
he controls the thermostat.

God.

A person can only buy
so many nightgowns.

Okay, look, last time I went,

they wanted to run
all these extra tests,

and I had to sweat the
results out for a week

before they came back normal.

It scared the crap out of me.

So you lied and stopped going?

Hey, you have secrets,
too, upstairs candy drawer.

(gasps)

That is not mine, that
was here when we moved in.

Dad, you're a doctor-hater,
back me up on this.

Adam, you are being a moron
for ignoring your health.

What?!

From you? Seriously?

Well, this is different.

You have young kids, a beautiful wife.

You have a reason to live.

I heard that one, Joe.

God, you're pretty.

Very funny.

The point is, we all want you to go.

Okay, okay, I'll go.

But on one condition:

You're going, too.

So you won't go unless I go?

That's right.

Just like when you potty-trained him.

Fine.

Ha-ha!

You're going, too, Don.

These gowns are ridiculous.

Well, at least your gown fits.

I'm flapping in the breeze down here.

That's because they don't have
the Jolly Green Giant size.

Speaking of that... ♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪

Legs together.

You know, we could be home
watching the game right now,

but, no, you had to go and
make a big stink about this.

Hey, I'm just trying to be a good son.

I mean, look at this one.

He keeps licking tongue depressors

and putting them back.

I got to be better than him.

Well, all I know is
I've had enough already.

And no way in hell you're
getting me through that door.

Good morning, gentlemen.

I'm Dr. Knox.

I'll be doing your check-ups today.

So, who's up first?

That'd me be.

Let's get this party started.

- Here we go.
- Thank you.

Well, it's a good thing
I threw on some pants,

'cause I really thought
this house was empty.

Oh. Hi, honey.

I just wanted to be here when the boys

came home from the doctor.

And Lowell was nice enough
to give me another ride.

We got up so early, we already stopped

at the farmer's market.

We helped the farmers set up.

I found a potato that looks like Elvis.

- Oh.
- Lowell said he'd glue some sideburns on.

I did. I did say that.

I don't know why.

You know, Bev,

Lowell has a family
and-and responsibilities.

He-he can't keep giving
you rides everywhere.

Oh.

I'm so sorry, dear.

I just wasn't thinking.

You don't have to
take me to the outlets.

Oh, Andi, you can take me.

No. No. What...

What just happened?

- I'm free.
- Lowell?

Get back here! No, you got to help me.

No chance, sister. One of us
has to live to tell this story.

- You...
- Hey, Lowell.

- Out of my way!
- Whoa.

BEV: Hey, boys,

did you get a clean bill of health?

Yeah, yeah, we're all good.

But this lucky guy

won himself a date with a colonoscopy.

These prep instructions
read like a w*r movie,

and my rear end's Omaha Beach.

This is all your fault.

Hey, I was just looking out for you.

Well, I don't need it. Why don't
you just mind your own business?

Because you are my business.

You know, I took the day
off of work to make sure

you stay healthy and live a long time.

Jibbeda, jibbeda, jibbeda.

And you wonder why I'd rather
hang out with your brother?

Wow.

You know, I haven't been
a dad as long as you,

but I'm pretty sure you're
not supposed to say that.

Oh.

You and your new rules.

In the old days, you could
hurt anybody's feelings.

Okay, I can't even talk to him anymore.

- Well, I can't talk to you either!
- Ah!

Joe, I think you're overreacting.

Yeah, I mean, they do these
colonoscopy things all the time.

You know, they scare
you with the thought of

aliens probing your butt,

but it's your own people
you have to worry about.

Aw, Oreos and milk?

That's your sad snack.

I'm not even pulling them apart

- and having fun with them.
- Aw.

You know,

I'm just trying to help my dad.

Would it k*ll him to say "thank you"?

Oh, honey, I think it might.

Yeah.

I'm not asking for much, just a little,

"Adam, I see that you look out for me

and I appreciate that,
because your older brother

is a narcoleptic ape."

Look, he appreciates you.

He's just not the kind
of guy that lets it out,

but it's in there,
deep, deep down in there.

Maybe they'll find it during the probe.

Look, hon, it's always
been this way with you guys.

He doesn't like to talk about feelings,

you don't like to talk about feelings.

You're both incredibly stubborn.

- (scoffs)
- In fact, you could say

that the both of you are almost exact...

Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Don't say it.

We agreed many years
ago you can't say that.

I mean, what if I were to say
that you and your mother are...

- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Let's just put the pins
back in these grenades

and walk away.

So your dad's colonoscopy
went very well.

Oh, good. Good news.

I have seen that man eat his whole life,

and I just want to say I'm very sorry

for what you had to go through today.

Uh, just to warn you,

he's probably going to be a little loopy

from the anesthesia.

He might say some things
he wouldn't normally say.

What, like what he's really feeling?

If he's feeling it, you'll hear it.

Sometimes it's beautiful.

Most of the time, it's creepy.

Hey, Dr. Foxy.

Dad, it's Dr. Knox.

That's what I said, Dr. Knockers.

So how you feeling?

Jazzy, like a jazz man.

(imitates jazz drumming)

Okay.

Okay. Yeah.

You know, when they
were putting me under,

I got worried I'd never wake up.

And then I'd never see
the people I love again.

Your mother, your brother, Andi...

those kids...

Yeah, and?

Tony.

Tony?

Yeah, Tony. I met him on the way in.

I love that guy.

Ah, I just need a signature
on these release papers.

Oh, he's just getting dressed;
he'll be out in a minute.

Uh, actually, these are for you.
He put you down as his proxy.

- He did?
- Before he went in,

he kept saying, "Make sure
Adam takes care of everything.

He's the only one I trust."

He actually said that?

B-Before the dr*gs?

Yeah.

Well...

on to the next butt.

Ah.

Hey, Dad.

What are you grinning at?

Nothing.

Come on, everyone's
home, waiting to see you.

I just had a damn
movie camera up my ass.

I'm moving as fast as I can.

Well, if we time it right,
we can finish our mall walk

right when Cinnabon opens.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing here?

Just heading down to
the mall for a walk.

Are you guys going to the mall, too?

That's lucky. (chuckles)

No, no, no, no, no, this is our thing.

Your thing is fighting,
our thing is friends.

I'm going. Mom said I could.

And you know what I have in my pocket?

Three gift cards for Cinnabon.

All right, let him in.

And you know what I
have in my other pocket?

Another gift card for suck it.

Hey, Dad, wait up!

Yeah, Bev, we want you
to be able to get around

without depending on, well, me.

Um, and we found a solution.

It's a driving service called Uber.

Uber?

Sounds German. I don't like it.

No, it's an app on your phone.

You press a button and a
nice driver comes to you.

How do they know where I am?

I don't want the damn
Germans knowing where we are!

World w*r Three breaks
out, I'm on the list!

BEV: He's right.

And something's coming.

Things have been too good for too long.

Okay, look, there's not
gonna be... you don't have...

look, even if that happens,

I'm pretty sure you're
way down on the list.

On the list is on the list.

I am nothing like him.

- Of course not.
- Not at all.

- Mm...
- Mm...

Oh, jibbeda, jibbeda, jibbeda.