02x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

- You know how much Harry meant to me.
- You've got Johnny now.

Hello! Psychopath.

- What're you doing in my room?
- Just checking the heating.

If you wanted me to be your wife so much,

- why did you sell me at a fair?!
- I wanted... a drink.

With the new Magna Carta
stating there should be

an absolute monarchy, and
with the Prime Minister still

in a persistent vegetative state,

Prince Charles has made this intervention.

I announce my intention to
be that absolute monarch.

This is in accordance of
the wishes of my mama,

as outlined by my papa in
this prepared statement.

Ahem.

For f*ck's sake, we're too old and
knackered for all this bollocks.

We don't mind opening the odd day centre,

but if you want us to rule,
you can f*ck... right... off.

On behalf of Her Majesty the
Queen, thank you very much.

No questions now. Thank you.

Well, you can't take over. It's insane.

- The country needs me.
- Us, darling.

- Us. - Well, who knows, that Magna
Carta may not even be genuine.

It's been verified by the finest
legal minds in the country.

And the entire Antiques Roadshow team.

- You don't have the right.
- I have the Divine Right of Kings.

Not necessarily given by God,
probably some sort of superior alien

life form that talks like this.

- Do you really think that?
- Oh, yes.

You wouldn't believe what
I've got tucked away up here.

I don't know why you're fighting
us on this. After me, it's you.

But only after me.

But we don't want absolute power.

We want to cycle round on bicycles
in chinos and light sweaters,

- suggesting we're normal.
- Exactly, like the Dutch royal family

or Chris Martin from Coldplay.

And the public will never stand for it.

The public will do what
they're bloody told.

Well, that's where you're wrong.

They live and breathe and think.
Anatomically, they're exactly

- the same as us.
- You're wasting your breath.

We only need one major world
leader to give us a thumbs up,

and the whole UN will fall into line.

And what kind of nutter would do that?

I've got one or two ideas.

'In other news, Donald Tr*mp's state visit

looks set to go ahead.

I don't care if Theresa May is
in a persistent vegetative state.

I was promised a trip to Britain
and I want a trip to Britain.

And who's going to pay for it?

British Airways!

Oh, buggeration.

Sorry, mate. You're in
the infantry this trip.

So, you're really going to LA?

Yeah, I can't wait to see Megan.

And not much for me to
stick around for here.

- I mean, you're getting married. - Yes.

Yes, I am. Unless someone were to stop me.

Well, that would be a
very mean thing to do.

Well, perhaps it wouldn't be if deep
down I didn't want to get married

or thought I was marrying
the wrong person.

Oh, well, in that situation,

it would be absolutely
the right thing to do.

Yes... and I'd be so grateful to them.

Oh, my God.

I've just realised why you've come.

- Yes.
- It's fate.

You can sit on my suitcase.

That way, I'll get the t*nk in.

Reinstalling is exhausting.

Oh, it's from Uncle Charles.

He says that once the absolute
monarchy starts, we're going to need

to perform ceremonial duties again,

and he's offering a
very attractive salary.

This is it, Bea. Right.

That's going straight in the bin.

But, Eugenie, we fought so
hard to make it on our own.

And we're so close to making it happen.

Oh, come on, Bea.

We're being offered two mill each,

inflation pegged for the rest
of our lives to cut ribbons.

Yeah, but it comes at a cost --

our self worth.

Bea...

You're nearly .

It's not happening.

Actually, we probably could do more
for women in business from a royal

platform than actually
BEING women in business.

Exactly.

Like some toast, Andy?

I'll butter it for you.

Hello?

It's Pippa. Are you
free on Saturday night?

Saturday? Erm, let me have a look.

Completely free. What's occurring?

It's my hen night. My usual
friends have all pulled out,

saying I'm a self-absorbed
social climber or some sh*t.

I wasn't listening. Anyway, can you come?

Oh, I'd love to. I...

Right, I'll text you the details.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, she hung up.

So, is it all right, Andy,
if I go out Saturday?

Kate, there you are.

What on earth are you
doing with that penis?

Pippa's put me in charge of her hen do.

Which one do you think?

We're supposed to be finding out
if the people really do support

an absolute monarchy, and
we've only got the weekend.

Well, do it in here.

Mm, she has got a nice pair.

So, what do you think about
that absolute monarchy thing?

Well, in these chaotic
times we do need stability.

And the Tories and Labour,
they've had enough chances.

And I don't really like
voting. Save me a job.

What are you talking
about? They're unelected.

Do you really want to throw
away democratic freedoms people

have fought and d*ed for over , years?

Prince William?

What are you doing in
an unlicensed sex shop?

Let's go.

I'll just get this.

Edward!

Oh, hello, Kate, Wills.

This is my new job.

I really think I've turned a corner.

Isn't the whole sex industry
thing moving more online?

Not that I know much about it.

Oh, no, no. It's a people industry.

They like the face-to-face contact.

Oh, hello, Michael.

Usual?

Just wish there were some other way
to fight this absolute monarchy.

I still think there's something odd

about that Magna Carta just turning up.

Edward?

We know the Magna Carta is a forgery.

Edward told us everything and
he's prepared to go public with it.

Is this the same Edward whose
debts to the Triads, the Yakuza,

and Payday Lenders R Us I've just cleared?

He's not going public with anything.

And if you insist on going to the press,

I'll be forced to make
it known that Kate...

is a bigamist.

Don't be ridiculous!

- Oh, you haven't told him?
- I... I...

You see, when she married you,
Will, she was already married...

.. to a Gypsy called Ricky.

That's not true.

Kate? Tell her it's not true.

She's twisting it all up!

Although, I was married
to a Gypsy called Ricky.

He was blackmailing her. I
made that particular situation

go away by cryogenically freezing him.

But I can defrost him any time I like.

Kate...

You lied to me.

Something we said we'd never do.

I know, and I'm sorry, but you lied to me

when you went to bed with Nicola Sturgeon

in her holiday persona of Flame.

I explained that was just for body warmth!

Looks like I've won.

Yes, but along the way you may well
have destroyed our relationship.

Will!

Double bubble.

Well, thanks very much,
Kate. This is sh*t.

I'm sorry, Pippa. I've
got a lot on my mind.

My marriage is this
close to disintegrating.

Well, this isn't about you.

This is about me. Whatever you've
got lined up for later better be

more exciting than that
pottery course this afternoon.

Do you really think we
should have come out tonight?

It's our final blowout,

before we commit ourselves
to a life of royal duty.

Yeah. So, what do we
have lined up this week?

A film premiere with Ryan Reynolds.

Foof!

Well, in that case, we
do deserve a night out.

- Ooh, sounds like something's happening.
- About bloody time.

It's hot in here.

Thank goodness I've got a very long hose.

Ooh!

Spray me! Spray me!

I'm on fire!

Take your pants off!

You may be hot now, but soon
you're going to be dripping wet.

I'm sorry, that was a bit rude.

Edward.

Pippa. Oh, it's all of you.

I didn't recognise you with the glasses.

- Show us your willy! - No,
Mummy, it's uncle Edward. - Oh.

Show us your willy!

You booked Edward to
strip at my hen party?

I booked it through a sex
shop. I thought Camilla

- had cleared your debts.
- She did.

Congratulations, you've
ruined my hen night.

Wotcher, Pips.

Harry. What are you doing here?

I heard a whisper that you were going to

stick a grand behind the bar.

Let's get some sh*ts in.

Boom!

Yeah!

Who the hell is Donald Tr*mp?

I can't believe our American
cousins elected such a vulgarian.

Richard Nixon must be
spinning in his grave.

We need his endorsement, so be nice.

The President of the United States.

- Mr President.
- Mr King.

Camilla, look at you.

You are beautiful, you are
classy. So important to be classy.

- And what a rack.
- How sweet of you to notice.

LET'S CUT THE BS!

YOU NEED MY ENDORSEMENT
TO SWING THINGS AT THE UN!

Why are you shouting, Donald?

BECAUSE I'M ERRATIC!

I'm a deal-maker. I make deals,
beautiful deals, so beautiful.

But what do I get in return?

This visit.

- It's giving you credibility.
- Don't need it.

My government's a finely tuned machine,

and it's going so nicely, but you need me.

So, what do you want?

Her.

Are you suggesting some
sort of indecent proposal?

What's indecent about
two consenting adults

on a four-poster bed
going at it like baboons?

Out of the question. I couldn't
countenance such a proposition.

OK, I can walk away.

But the deal's on the table...

FOR ONE HOUR ONLY!

You're not really going to
go through with this, are you?

Believe me, I would rather eat the
cling-ons round a badger's arse,

but we need his support, and I have
been with many, many men before.

But that was before we were married.

We're stronger than that, Charles.

We can get through this the
same way we've got through

so many things before --

by never, ever mentioning it ever again.

All right.

What is it they say?

It's your body and you're
the one who's going to have

a big, fat, sweaty property
developer on top of it.

Exactly.

Now, go.

He'll be here any moment.

Camilla, darling, I...

Just don't let him in the back doors.

I won't.

Hi, beautiful.

Come in, Donald.

You've given up, man.

Henry VIII!

Why aren't you fighting for your country?

What can I do?

The Prime Minister's in a permanent
vegetative state and the people

are crying out for an absolute monarchy.

Plus, my wife's a bigamist.

Now, the first thing to
do is to get her back.

A man can't do anything
without his wife by his side.

But you were always k*lling your wives.

Let me tell you a story about Anne Boleyn.

I loved that woman more than chicken,

and I really love chicken.

Then I found out she'd cheated on me

and, in a rage, I had her head cut off.

I've regretted it every day since.

Well, I thought you made all that up

just so you could marry someone else.

Oh, yeah.

That's right, I did.

That's syphilis for you --

affects your thinking.

No, Henry VIII, you make a good point.

I've got to get Kate back and
stop this absolute monarchy.

Have you got any more chicken?!

Well, that's never happened before.

Oh, that's quite all right,
Donald, a man of your age.

No, I mean never happened before,

and anyone who says it has -- fake news!

It's all right. It'll
be our little secret.

Oh, by the way, you will
still be endorsing us?

Anything. Sure, anything.

I thought perhaps you might do it
in a speech at the wedding tomorrow.

Yeah, important to give a nice speech,

but don't tell Putin what happened.

He can always get it up.

Hello, old girl.

- Andy.
- Taking a trip?

Yes, I'm off to America.

I'm going to try the
old Right Royal Juicer

on the shopping channel again.

I don't want you doing
that any more, Fergie.

You deserve better than that.

What do you mean?

As soon as Charlie takes over, he's
putting me in charge of defence.

It'll be me handing out the contracts.

I'm going to be rich
-- Ant and Dec rich --

and I want to take care of you forever.

Oh, and I want to be taken care of.

You see, we've been through so
much over the last years.

Yes, I will marry you, Andy.

Marry me? No.

I'm going to be with a
series of much prettier,

much younger women.

But you just said we've shared so much.

Yes, you've got enough on
me to sink a battleship.

The least I can do is put
a bit of cash your way.

So you're buying my silence?

Oh...

I'm just a problem to you, aren't I?

Something you wish you'd never done.

No.

I don't want your money, Andrew.

You took a lot of things when you left,

but you did not take my dignity.

You see, I'm moved on with my life.

Is that me?

No.

He's a better man than you'll ever be.

He doesn't lie to me.

He doesn't belittle me.

He doesn't tell me I'm
too old to wear hot pants.

Now, get out!

I like the dress you picked out for me.

Are you all right, Pippa?

Am I doing the right thing?

It's not too late to back out.

What? Always got to stick
your nose in, haven't you?

But you just said...

Going around giving advice just
cos you're married to a prince.

Well, Johnny got billions
-- not millions, billions --

and he's going to make me the
happiest girl in the world.

It's my dream come true!

- Kate.
- Wills.

I shall take my stuff out
of the flat this afternoon.

No. I lied to you.

I intend to rejoin my parents'
party-planning business,

and, apart from a tell-all memoir to
be serialised in the Mail on Sunday,

I shall withdraw from public life.

Oh, darling, I don't care you're
a bigamist any more than I cared

when I found out you were a m*rder*r.

Really?

I love you, and that's all that matters.

Oh, Wills...

Yes, I am, unless someone were to stop me.

Perhaps it wouldn't be, if deep
down I didn't want to get married

or thought I was marrying
the wrong person.

Wrong person, wrong person...

Oh, my God.

Pippa's in love with me!

Turn around!

I've got to go back!

Oh, bloody traffic.

If anyone knows of any reason
this marriage cannot take place,

please speak now.

- Harry?
- Hold up the phone.

Pippa...

- Pippa!
- Harry?

Harry?

Pippa! Pippa!

Pippa, don't do it! I love you.

- Harry...
- I think we'd better move on.

I want to marry you!

I'll leg it.

Do you, Pippa, take
Johnny to be your husband,

for better, for worse,
as long as you both live?

I...

I... Ugh!

So sorry.

I don't seem to be able to
get the actual words out.

Would it be OK if I just nodded?

Suits me.

Kate, Dad told me Tr*mp is going
to endorse his absolute monarchy

after the wedding reception.

Once that happens, he'll be unstoppable.

But that's in a couple of hours.

You may now kiss the bride.

I've got it.

I know how to bring Theresa
round, and stop Camilla.

Right, there she is.

What's going on in here?

- Prince William...
- My wife has an idea about how we can

bring the Prime Minister out of her coma.

Go on.

For centuries, the kiss of a prince
was thought to held magical powers,

so you get my husband,
a prince, to kiss her,

and she might -- just might -- wake up.

What do you think, Doc?

Well, to be honest, it
sounds a bit f*ck-witted.

Try it, Wills. What have we got to lose?

Well, you might get sued by her husband.

Nothing's happening.

Try a bit of tongue.

You did it!

Where am I?

No time to explain, Prime Minister.

We have to stop a constitutional crisis.

You mean Donald Tr*mp couldn't get it up?

Yes.

I don't think we need wait till
the food before making the speech.

Hmm?

Hello, everyone.

What a splendid wedding.

I've never seen two people more in love.

Bu-But, before we dine,

I give you the President of
the United States of America.

What a wedding!

So nice! OK, so...

Prince Charles, Camilla, what a team,

and that is why,

as President of the United States,

and host of The Apprentice...

seasons, by the way,
top of the ratings,

terrible since Arnie took over
-- had to go, so overrated...

Get on with it.

I am proud...

to endorse Prince Charles
and Camilla as...

Wait!

Theresa May! But her
brain's turned to jam...

I've been doing the
sudoku on the way here.

I snogged her and my magical powers
as a prince brought her round.

That sounds feasible --

I say that as a member
of the Homeopathy Society.

Well, naturally, we're delighted.

So, Papa, our Prime Minister is back.

There will be no absolute monarchy.

Not too late, am I?

Will you marry me?

Of course you're too late.

It's my wedding reception.

I see.

Then will you do me the honour....

of becoming my mistress?

Well, I, for one, am pleased
we won't be absolute monarchs.

It seems to me like an
awful lot of hard work.

I'm going now.

There's an awful lot
of hard work to be done.

See?

Yeah, that's the thing, Theresa --

everything about you is hard work.

And the first thing I'm going to
do is get rid of the monarchy.

Good.

You'll be doing us all a favour.

At last, we'll be free to
use our own talents to be

whatever we want to be.

Beatrice and Eugenie, if you finally
had the royal safety net removed,

like your mummy did, maybe you
could come up with some sort of

viable online business.

Harry, could go back into the Army again,

or get a job at a fair on the bumper cars.

Camilla, you could work in an off-licence.

Dad, what would you like to be?

- Beekeeper!
- Oh, why the hell not?

You don't mind getting
strung occasionally.

Oh, well... Well, actually....

Edward, you've suffered most
of all from being a royal,

but if you were just a normal
bloke, people would finally stop

mentioning the debacle that
was It's A Royal Knockout.

And even if none of it worked
out, we could all just live off

the interest from our
vast personal fortunes!

So, Prime Minister, do your worst,

because we are the Windsors.