02x12 - Passive Eggressive

[bunniefuu]

Just a few more questions.

- Still single?
- Yes.

Okay. Any recent sexual partners?

No.

All righty, any chance
you might be pregnant?

- No.
- Are you planning on becoming pregnant?

Because at , you have five more years

before it's considered
a geriatric pregnancy.

I'm sorry, can we just get to the exam?

These questions are making
me feel bad about myself.

Sure, sure.

I've had this on ice all morning.

[LAUGHS] I'm just kidding.

But it's probably gonna be pretty cold.

Now just relax.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ Tear it down ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

Third through fifth
grade teachers, here are

your materials for this
week's standardized tests.

- Welcome to hell.
- These tests are r*cist.

They're biased towards
privileged white males.

- I always did well on them.
- Yeah, you're white.

Nice try. My spray tan
artist says I'm Tuscan buff.

Well, they're state mandated.

And I have enough problems already.

Some hipster parents heard
on NPR that their kids

can opt out of the tests
if they write a note.

- Who cares if they opt out?
- All of us should.

If less students take the tests,

it could skew our results
downward and we'll lose funding.

Whatever. These kids are middle class.

They can bring supplies from home.

And you'll lose your merit-based pay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I can't afford

to have my salary reduced.

I've only had two of eight full-body

laser hair removal treatments.

That's why it's imperative
that we keep this a secret.

Ms. Cannon, you'll be
monitoring the multipurpose room

where the opt-out
students will be separated

- from the general population.
- Don't you think

- that's just gonna mean...
- That's enough.

I expect us all to comply
for the good of Fillmore.

This isn't a democracy.

Why's your hair out of place?

[GASPS] You slut!

Did a big old barge finally
come through your Panama Canal?

No, as I'm being reminded
for the th time today,

I have not had sex
in a really long time!

You and me both, sister. [LAUGHS]

I was at the gynecologist.

When he found out I was turning ,

he went on about how time
was running out for me

if I want to have a child.

He actually said "tick-tock"
as he swiped my cervix.

A male gynecologist?

Ooh, I don't trust a man
who looks at my vag*na

- and doesn't get turned on.
- Don't worry, Caroline,

you're still young.

You have plenty of time to have kids.

No, I don't. According to my life plan,

I was supposed to be married last year,

have conceived nine months ago,
and be giving birth this month.

I'm not even dating anyone!

Your plan is that specific?

Yeah. Not all of us are
going to get pregnant

from sitting in a hot tub.

Okay, first of all, it was a Jacuzzi.

And second of all, the
doctor said it was just gas

from all of the champagne.

I should have just
frozen some of my eggs

when I donated back in college.

Wait, you donated your eggs?

I thought that was just
for unattractive people

who couldn't strip their
way through law school.

I had to. My father cut
me off from my trust fund

for a semester when I dated a Democrat.

Well, ladies, as much as this
conversation has reaffirmed

my belief in assisted su1c1de,

we have to go turn children
into mindless testing robots.

♪ ♪

So sad about Ms. Cabot.

- I can't believe she d*ed.
- Who?

Ms. Cabot. She taught third grade.

The same grade as you.

Ohh!

It was just so unexpected.

- Wasn't she like ?
- Exactly.

I really had gotten to know
her these last couple of years.

I'm gonna miss her stories
about atom b*mb drills.

Who's gonna get all of her stuff?

I don't know. They tried
calling her emergency contacts,

but they've all been dead
since the Nixon administration.

There's probably some pretty
valuable stuff in here.

Looks like a ton of junk to me.

You couldn't pay me to shovel
this sh*t into a dumpster fire.

With all respect to
the deceased, of course.

♪ ♪

Great job cutting and gluing, everybody.

I'm sure the older kids taking the tests

appreciate how quiet you're being.

Samantha, how are you enjoying
your first week at Fillmore?

It's nice, but not as
clean as my old school.

[GASPS] Is that a baby Lysol?

Cute. You can never get a
place spotless with kids around.

- Tell me about it.
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, I love your pencil bag.

Thanks, I embroidered it myself.

Not enough people appreciate paisley.

I couldn't agree more.

Okay, guys, clear off your desks

and take out your number two pencils.

What about our "Real
Housewives" projects?

No, we won't be able to discuss

Vicki Gunvalson's
control issues this week.

[OMINOUS MUSICAL STING]

We have to do things that
are mandated by the state.

- What is this?
- My mom heard on the radio

- I don't have to take this.
- Shh!

The others will hear you.

Just go to the multipurpose room

and do not talk to
anyone on your way there.

Okay? [GIGGLES]

Hey, where's she going?

[SERENE FLUTE MUSIC]

She's gone to a better place.

Deb, what are you doing?

You said all of her
emergency contacts were dead.

- This stuff is gonna go to waste.
- So you're stealing it?

Proverbs : : He who
is a partner with a thief

hates his own life.

He hears the oath but tells nothing.

[OMINOUS MUSICAL FLOURISH]

I don't know how to respond to that.

I'm shaming you, Deb!

Her body is barely cold and
you're putting her things

in a garbage bag like the Hamburglar.

You're right.

I'm gross. I'll put everything back.

Thank you.

Oh, for future reference,

that Bible stuff doesn't work on me.

But the Hamburglar?

That really hit home.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Thanks for letting me
borrow your labeler.

I kept putting my
crayons in my markers box,

and it's driving me bananas.

No problem.

Did anyone want to
present their family tree?

- I do!
- Samantha? Go ahead.

This is me and my dad,
Eric, and his mom and dad,

- Bill and Doris.
- Why is there

a big question mark
next to your mom's side?

Because I don't know
who my biological mom is.

She gave her eggs to my parents

because they couldn't have a baby.

I'm sorry, what?

No, my headband.

[UPBEAT ORCHESTRA MUSIC]

That's okay, I brought
my emergency headband.

♪ ♪

She's my daughter.

I think it's a world peace button.

Boop. [LAUGHS]

Okay, go explore your freedom, boys.

Hey, Eliza left this in my class.

I have to remove all signs of her

so the other kids stop
asking where she went.

Wow, this place is great.

Yes. This is life in a test-free world,

where students are free
to express themselves,

not be judged by how well
they can fill in a bubble.

Ms. Snap, we're having the best time.

This morning, I learned
how to play the didgeridoo.

And now I'm writing a
play about Cesar Chavez.

Oh, that is wonderful!

But if you see any of your classmates,

don't say anything to them.

Ms. Snap is getting laser hair removal

and they haven't gotten
to the hedges growing next

to my back door, if
you know what I mean.

♪ ♪

Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt,

I just wanted to let
you know that Samantha

is adjusting to Fillmore wonderfully.

- Oh.
- I know it's only been a week

and I'm not supposed to say this,

but she's my favorite student.

That's so great to hear.

We were nervous about
making such a big move

halfway through the school year.

Where exactly did you move from?

- Connecticut.
- I knew it!

I mean, I am from there as well,

and you always recognize
a fellow Connecticuter.

- [ALL LAUGH]
- Absolutely.

Now, there was something I
wanted to talk to you about.

- Oh.
- We were recently working

on family trees and Samantha
told me something interesting.

Now I don't want to get this wrong,

but I think she said
something about an egg,

giving an egg, she
definitely mentioned an egg.

Yes, we used an egg donor.

We've been very open
with her about that.

Connecticut egg donor.

I see.

You know, when I was little,

I went to a polo camp in Vermont.

We learned sportsmanship
and got to spend time

with other children of a certain ilk.

It was magical.

Maybe you could send
my child there, too.

I'm sorry, your child?

Oh, I call all the
children in the class mine.

I'm very passionate about my job.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Okay.

Hey, I just wanted
to say I'm sorry again

for trying to rob Ms. Cabot.

Dude! Are you serious?

You made me feel like sh*t and
then you did the same thing!

I most certainly did not.

I took my friend's
belongings that she would have

- wanted me to have.
- [SCOFFS]

Why would she want
you to have her stuff?

Because I actually knew her.

I knew her, too!

[LAUGHS] We used to have
this great inside joke

where she'd be walking down
the hall and I'd be behind her

and she'd be going really slow

and then I'd yell, "For
Christ sakes, move!"

That just sounds like
you were being rude.

Whatever. I loved Ms. Abbot.

- Cabot.
- Right!

I miss her. Now give
me some of her stuff.

No!

You're like Grimace.

Trying to have all the
shakes for yourself.

Damn! That always gets me.

Fine, we need someone fair
and impartial to mediate this.

Come on.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, do you know where Eliza went?

I heard she's in a place
where you make sock puppets,

eat oatmeal cream pies for breakfast,

and slide down rainbows
covered in glitter.

You mean a land where kids
aren't made to do word problems

by the government?

Ms. Snap, I wanna go to the happy place

where there are no tests!

There is no such place.

Anyway, sometimes in life

you have to do stuff
that you don't want to.

I don't wanna remove hair
from every part of my body,

but apparently, one of my ancestors

mated with a yeti and I have to.

Okay, fine.

There is a way to get out of taking...

[INTERCOM BEEPS] Students,

I know you all have been working hard,

and I urge you in the coming days

to forge ahead for
the glory of Fillmore.

That is all.

Ms. Snap.

What were you going to say?

I can't.

♪ ♪

He's always watching.

So I pulled Ms. Cabot's
file like you asked.

I'm gonna quiz you on
her personal information.

Whoever gets the most
right gets all her stuff.

[CLEARS THROAT] Question number one.

Mary-Louise, where was Ms. Cabot born?

Omaha, Nebraska.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's incorrect.

Deb for the steal?

Uh...

[IMITATES BUZZER] The correct answer

- was Leawood, Kansas.
- What?

Deb, where did Ms. Cabot
get her teaching certificate?

Pass. Aren't there any
true-or-false ones in there?

Ooh, no, I'm sorry. There are not.

- Mary-Louise for the steal.
- The Teacher Training Institute

for Unmarried Women in Sioux City.

- Oh, incorrect.
- No, it's not.

The answer is the Iowa
State Normal School.

- No, it's...
- Yes, it is, duh.

I got the answers right here.

Deb, how many dependents
does Ms. Cabot have?

- I don't know, one?
- Zero.

[SIGHS] Dudes, this
just isn't fun anymore.

I don't normally criticize people

'cause I'm rolling through the
school day on a snack cake high,

but I gotta say, this
is really pathetic.

The two of you are acting like vultures.

I really thought I knew her.

Clearly, neither of
us deserve her stuff.

We're garbage people.

I'll put everything back.

I think that's the right thing to do.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Samantha, are you left-handed?

- No.
- Oh, thank God.

Hey, Caroline, do you have any more

industrial-sized garbage bags?

I need to return Ms.
Cabot's things to her room.

Oh, sure. They're in my supply closet

under "G" for "garbage bags."

Samantha, uh-uh. You
didn't push your chair in.

I expect that kind of behavior
from the other students,

but not you.

We don't do that. Thank you.

You sure you should be
treating her differently?

You know, putting her
desk next to yours?

[WHISPERS] How dare you
tell me how to parent!

Get out of here!

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

And remember, Fillmore's future

does not depend on you as an individual,

but on your collective efforts.

Persevere. That is all.

My eyes hurt from reading.

Why can't we go to the bathroom?

I can't let anyone go
now that we've started.

[DOOR OPENS] Hey.

I wanted to see how you were holding up.

Not good. My students are,
like, losing their will to live.

There's plenty of space
in the multipurpose room.

I can't. My salary is gonna get cut

if my scores aren't high enough.

This is k*lling me. I mean,

I know I'm a little bit
selfish, but I do have a heart.

Remember when I started
that surprise GoFundMe,

encouraging my cousin
to have a nose job?

This situation is almost
as bad as her nose was.

And her nose was really bad.

I think I can help.

[WHISPERING] I can't free them all,

but I bet I could smuggle
one out in my art cart.

[NORMAL VOICE] Give me
your tired, your poor,

your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free.

That is beautiful. Did you make that up?

No, it's on the Statue of Liberty.

Uh, I loved her in "Ghostbusters."

Thanks for the ice cream.

You're the nicest teacher I've ever had.

Thank you. I just hope
you weren't too full

- from the lunch I packed you.
- No, no.

It was great. I love the
note you left on my napkin.

- Oh.
- Can I go play?

- Samantha.
- May I go play?

Yes, you may.

Hey, where'd you get that ice cream?

Ms. Watson got it for me.

That's 'cause you're the teacher's pet.

- No, I'm not.
- Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet!

- Give it back!
- Henry.

- Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet!
- Stop!

- Teacher's pet! Teacher's pet!
- Henry, stop that.

- Give it back!
- Leave my daughter alone!

What?

[ROCK MUSIC]

You're welcome to come to
church with me and repent

- if you still feel guilty.
- No thanks.

I feel bad but not bad
enough to waste a Sunday.

RIP, Ms. Cabot.

Feldman?

"Antiques Roadshow," here I come, y'all.

What were you thinking?

I had to spend two hours
comforting the Schmidts,

who were deeply disturbed.

Samantha is not your daughter.

Excuse me, but I have seen
every episode of "Law & Order,"

and if there's one thing I know,

it's that a mother
always knows her child.

They keep in touch with their egg donor!

Okay? Her name is Brooke

and she's an
anesthesiologist in New Haven.

But I was so sure.

I guess I just got excited
about the possibility

of having a child because I feel
like I'm running out of time.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

I don't wanna be like
Ms. Cabot, you know?

Without somebody to come get my things.

I do know.

I always wanted to be a father,

but I could never convince Roberta.

And now I'm all alone
and she's expecting twins

with a blue jean mogul.

I feel like I'm running
out of time, too.

Okay, I'm sorry. I can't listen
to you complain about this.

You're a man. You could
be a hundred years old,

paralyzed from the neck down
and still get somebody pregnant.

I'm . In this culture,
I'm practically dead.

- That's not true.
- Yes, it is!

Do you have any idea
what it's like to deal

with a constant barrage
of people asking you

if you're married or have kids yet?

Because apparently, that's what
makes you a legitimate woman

in this country.

Do you think I wanna be like this?

I don't! But when it comes down to it,

women's bodies are operating
on an unfair timeline.

We're still programmed to be given away

at years old for a couple of sheep,

and turn geriatric by the age of .

So I'm sorry, Toby,

but you're not running out of time.

I am.

I apologize. You're right.

I can't tell you that
you've got plenty of time.

But I can tell you that
your unnatural attachment

to that child proves that someday

you will be a wonderful mother.

Thank you.

That actually makes me
feel a little better.

Good.

Well, now that that's cleared up.

I think you can see that
your actions were a little...

Over the top, yeah.

I was gonna say demented.

♪ ♪

- Would you like coffee?
- No. This isn't a thing.

Okay.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

If anyone stops us, don't make a sound.

- Okay.
- We'll miss you, Colin.

But there's a better
life for you out there

and you have to do it.

For all of us.

It's time.

Watch out for the charcoals.

Ms. Cannon.

What are you doing in
the test-taking zone?

Oh, I was just bringing Chelsea

some more number two pencils.

Very well. As you were.

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

Oh, Ms. Cannon.

♪ ♪

Just one more question.

If you're just delivering pencils,

then why did you bring
the entire art cart?

What's under there?

- Where's your note?
- Run, Colin!

Tell the others they only need a note

to get out of taking the test! Run!

We don't have to take the test!

You just need a note to be free!

♪ ♪

[EXCITED INDISTINCT CHATTER]

♪ Tear it down ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

Well, I hope you're happy.

We've most certainly lost our funding

with this many opt-outs.

School should be a place where
children are free to grow,

not spend their days taking
some oppressive tests.

- True dat.
- I'm surprised at you, Ms. Snap.

Aren't you concerned
about your merit-based pay?

Of course. I'm always
thinking about myself.

That's why I bribed my
smartest students with candy

not to opt out.

I got all the teachers to do the same.

Fillmore is gonna have the
best scores in the district.

Your self-serving nature
never ceases to amaze me.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Ooh. These are gonna be so smooth.

Mm. Thanks again, guys.

Oh, yeah.

And so will this.

And this.

Oh, and these bad
boys are gonna be gone.