02x17 - The Night Off

[bunniefuu]

ALBA: So if the toaster won't go down,

it's probably because
it is not plugged in.

Yes, we know how a toaster works.

Oh, remember
to turn the colonel twice a day

or he will get bedsores.

Gross. Somebody been doing that?

Yes, I have. (sighs)

Okay. Ah.
If you run out of toilet paper...

Then I'll use the bath mat.
Just go, okay?

What are you blathering about?

You know, the list...

of things to get done while I'm gone.

I didn't even know you
were talking to us.

MICKEY: You know what? We're good.

Right, guys? We're good.

Go have fun in-in...

Uh... where you going?

I'm going to the city for a spa weekend.

- Wait, why do you need a break?
- Yeah, you do nothing.

Hey. I am the glue that
holds this house together.

You think it just
magically cleans itself

in the middle of the night?

Oh, no. No,
you clean it in the middle of the night

'cause you're all
cranked on amphetamines.

Well, it gets done, doesn't it?

But then, I don't sleep all night

'cause you're up there clomping around

like some kind of hillbilly Santa Claus.

You know,
I just leave this on the fridge.

MICKEY: All right, great.

Hey, Alba, do you want to hear
about my dream last night?

Ooh, more than anything, but, you know,

I am off the clock, Benito.
Tell it to Mickey.

- Oh...
- Do you want to hear about it?

It was a weird one.

- What the hell. Go ahead.
- Okay, so,

- I was on the playground at recess
- Uh...

and Principal Gibbons came up to me,

but he wasn't Principal Gibbons,

- he was a werewolf.
- Oh, yeah?

He had the biggest hands
and really long nails.

- Oh.
- And he was really tall and big.

And then the werewolf army came,

and there was, like, a billion of them.

I was so scared!

And then I sh*t the biggest werewolf,

and instead of dying,
he turned into a robot werewolf,

and he's like,
(gruff voice) "Give me candy."

(normal voice) So I
ran to the candy store,

and I got him some candy.

And he ate it so really,
really, really fast.

Then I gave all the
werewolves bubblegum.

Yep. Yep. A little close, though.

But they were eating it
and they were eating it,

- and it got stuck...
- I can still hear you.

You don't have to get so close.
There we go.

And then I was like, "That's it!

"All the candy in the whole,
entire world is gone.

Sorry, Mr. Werewolf Robot."

Yeah, yeah, I get it. He likes candy.

We all have our vices.
No more talking, all right?

But... but don't you want
to hear how it ends?

I don't, I don't.
(chuckles) But only because

I want to marinate in the suspense.
Sweet dreams.

But it's still light out.

My God, how is it only : ?

Um, okay, well, you know what?

It'll be dark when you close your eyes.

Jimmy, we're going out. Go get ready.

(TV playing indistinctly)

I am ready.

Uh, Sabrina, you're in charge of
Ben and Chip till we get back.

- Decline.
- Please?

I've been wrangling Ben all day long.

Sorry. Not my problem.

Come on, just be a team player.

Ladies, please. I'll be in charge.

(laughs)

Oh, sorry. No.

I wouldn't put you in charge of
changing the colonel's diaper.

What are you talking about? I'm capable.

Mm, well, you're capable
of asphyxiating yourself

with a phone cord, or, uh...
getting an action figure

stuck up your butt, I'll give you that.

An act...
Why would I have an action figure

stuck up my butt?

I'm not gonna sit here
and try and speculate

as to why you do the things you do.

I don't... I don't do that.

Uh, we'll be back in,
like, two to ten hours.

Yeah? And if you need anything,
Alba left a list on the fridge.

What list?

I have no idea what she's talking about.

(intercom chimes)

WOMAN (over P.A.): Now approaching
our final stop, Penn Station.

All passengers, please exit the train.

Penn Station. Last stop.

The train is going out of
service for the weekend.

Everyone please exit the train.

Wh... No. Oh, come on.

Hello?

- Penn Station. Last stop.
- I'm stuck in here!

- The train is going out of service for the weekend.
- Come on.

(screams) No, no! Rat!

Rat, rat, rat, rat! Somebody!

There we go. There-there's one.

Nah, he's already taking it.

Jimmy, just come on, get in there.

I don't want to drive around all night.

What do you want from me, all right?
He's already backing in.

Okay. Cool. I'll do everything.

Let's not make this a thing, please. Uh.

- Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.
- (horn blares)

Hey, excuse me. That's-that's my spot.

How come I'm standing in it then?

MAN (scoffs): Bro, are you serious?

I know, man, all right? Come on,
I'm trying to take the lady out.

So just help me out, all right?

- How about I give you a few bucks?
- Oh, boy.

JIMMY: Oh, God.

- Okay, gentlemen...
- No, you know what, I got it.

- Just... No. Mick, no, please.
- Everyone back in your...

- Step back, please.
- Oh, God. That's...

All right, look,
I didn't know there was four of you,

but I could still make
it worth your while.

Dude, I'm not doing it, all right?

I got change here. That's, like,
at least a whole bunch of...

(grunting)

All right, guys. Hey, fun's over.

Why don't you head home.

Whatever. You got lucky, bro.

Dude, here's the thing,
I don't believe in luck.

(grunting)

Oh! Did you just hit that guy
in both eyes at the same time?

I raccoon'd him. It's my signature move.

- I'm Jimmy
- Doug.

- That's a cool name.
- Thanks, man.

(laughs) I-I got to thank you.

This is the most exciting
start of a date night

- (phone ringing)
- I've had in my entire life.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, oh, yeah. That-that was real nice.

Excuse me one second.

Yeah? Yes.

What? From where?

All right, yeah, I'll be right there.

The cops just picked up Ben

riding his bike down
the side of the highway.

I got to go pick him up.

We just got here.

I can give you a lift.

Oh. Is that cool, Mick?

Yeah. Spend your evening
with a-a total stranger.

No problem. I'll do this by myself.

(engine starting)

Buy me a drink, man?

- Yeah, bro.
- All right.

You can have your spot now!

I woke up in the middle of
the night and there weren't

any adults home,
so I went out to find you.

I can't believe how selfish she is.

Well, I was around, pal.
How come you didn't look for me?

'Cause you're not an adult.

Oh, hey. What the hell, man?

- What?
- You said you were gonna stay home

- and watch the kids last night.
- No, I didn't.

- Well, it was implied.
- No, it wasn't.

I had to go pick up Ben
from the police station

because you decided to go out and leave

two little kids home alone.

Call me a kid one more time,

and I'll box your frickin' ears.

Alba and I ask for
just a little time off,

and this is how you repay us?

Alba was our maid for years.

You talked to Ben for a few hours,

then put him to bed in broad daylight.

Hey! No, don't do that.

Don't minimize my work.

You know, I'm starting to
think you don't appreciate

anything I do for you.

You do nothing for me.

And I do nothing for you.

We have a good system,
let's not mess with it.

JIMMY: Yo, Mick,

- we're going out tonight.
- Yeah? Great.

I'm in. Where we going?

- You know my buddy, Doug?
- Mm-mm.

Doug, from last night.
Doug, from the fight.

- The total stranger?
- He's, like, the coolest guy

I've ever met, all right?
And you know that I have

a hard time making male friends.

- You do?
- Yeah. They find me intimidating.

Look, Doug and his girlfriend

are gonna meet us out
for scorpion bowls.

Okay, there you go.

That's what you lead with.

I'm in. % in.

Just got to, uh,
secure a sitter for the kids.

SABRINA: Hey.

- What the hell?
- Oh, you are so sweet

to offer to babysit.
You didn't have to do that.

Mickey, are you insane?
Uncuff me right now.

Tempting, but, um... no.

- Mickey, I'm warning you. I will...
- Uh-uh. No.

You're not warning anybody.
You brought this on yourself.

I tried to be reasonable,
but you weren't having it.

So guess what?
Here's how it's gonna go down.

Jimmy and I are headed out for the night

and you're gonna stay
here and watch Ben.

And if you do a really good job,

I might give you a
night off next weekend.

Are you serious?
What am I supposed to do all night?

I don't know. I'm sure you
guys will think of something.

Kid's got a hell of an imagination.
Ooh, I know.

Tell her about that
dream you had last night.

- Okay, but it's pretty gross.
- It is gross.

- I was floating down a river,
- MICKEY: Uh-huh.

but instead of water, it was diarrhea.

Diarrhea! Stay tuned. It gets better.

- Uh, you two be good.
- SABRINA: Mickey!

- Want to hear about the rest of it?
- No!

Hi. We're meeting my buddy, Doug.

Yes. The rest of your party is
already here. Right this way.

Can't wait to see Doug's chick.
I bet she's a real rocket.

- Settle down.
- That means she's hot.

Yup, I know what it means.
Who talks like that?

I do. I always have. (chuckles)

Jimmy-cr*ck-corn! (laughs)

And Mickey.

My goodness, what a rocket.

Oh, thank you.
Jimmy can't stop talking about you.

I haven't said that much, so it's...

Yeah, we hit it off big-time.

- This is my boyfriend, Eric.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Mickey.

- Hey.
- Hi.

All right, let's get drunk, huh?

No funny business.

Y-You stay on your side
and I will stay on mine.

(mutters)

- (squeaking)
- Hmm? Hmm?

No, you should've brought your own.
No. Hey.

Okay, okay.
That-that-that is very cute, but...

but you are still a rat.

Okay, okay, here you go.

Okay.

Here, l-let's be friends.

Let's be friends.

Okay. Yup, yup. Okay.

- (laughing)
- Are you serious?

That's what he does, always. Oh, my God.

Everything good, brother?

You're kind of quiet tonight.

Yeah, no, I-I'm fine.

I'm just feeling a little sleepy,
that's all.

You, uh, you want some blow?

Eric, give him the blow.

He's kidding. There's no cocaine.

(laughs) You.

That's a dirty trick. Dirty trick.

I'm sorry, does one of you
own a blue Geo Metro?

Is it leaking oil?
That's all right, it does that.

It's not that. You better take a look.

Oh, my God. I got it. Come on, Mick.

Nah, it's cool. I'll hang back.

- No, come on. I need a hand.
- No, I'm good.

I don't want to get oil on me.

Mick!

- Please.
- All right.

Order another round, okay?

You got it.

- What's the matter with you?
- We're leaving.

W-We're not leaving.
I left my purse there.

Well, I'm sorry,
you're gonna have to get a new one.

- Hey, what is your deal?
- I don't have a deal, all right?

I just feel like Doug is
not who I thought he was.

So we're gonna leave
without saying good-bye.

I...

("We Like to Party"
by Vengaboys playing)

JIMMY: What the...?

She chained the colonel to your car?

- (Mickey groans)
- (music stops)

BEN: Hi, Mickey.

MICKEY: Have you lost your damn mind?

We can go back and
forth like this forever,

but is that really how you want
to spend your remaining days?

Don't you battle me,
Sabrina, you will lose.

Now kindly unchain the
colonel and go home.

- Not until you unlock me.
- Okay, you know what, ladies,

- why don't we just...
- Shut up, Jimmy.

That's it. I'm over this stupid night.

- Same time.
- Count of three.

One... two... three.

- You!
- I knew it!

Stop screwing around.

You understand me?

One... two... three.

Here we go.

Pleasure doing business with you.

- Where are you going?
- Back to my scorpion bowl.

- Wait right here.
- Okay.

Sorry about that.

Just had to clear something
up with my bitch niece.

(chuckles) Oh, where were we?

What are you doing?

I'm having dinner with my friends.

Everyone, my aforementioned bitch niece.
(chuckles)

Look, I'm not babysitting
those two anymore, okay?

They're your responsibility now.

That's too bad because I've
already begun drinking.

Oh, yeah?

- Uh-huh.
- So have I.

- No, no, no, no, no, you haven't.
- Mmm.

- Stop it.
- Mmm.

- Let go of that. Stop it.
- Don't grab it.

Let go, Sabrina.

- Give me... Sabrina. Ow!
- (grunting)

Stop!

(gasps)

(Sabrina laughs)

That was a mistake.

(indistinct radio transmission)

(siren chirps)

(straining): Oh, man, Colonel.

You're really heavy.

(whispering): Mickey. Mickey.

Why is that woman
staring at us like that?

She's probably deciding which
one of us she wants to maul.

Classic alpha behavior.

(whispering): So what do we do?

What do we do?

Oh, you don't anything for me

and I don't do anything for you,
remember?

We got a good thing going, right?

Let's not mess with it.

Mickey, come on. Please.

All right, I'll make you a deal.

You admit just how much I've sacrificed

for your selfish, ungrateful ass

and then maybe I'll
consider helping you out.

- (stammers, sighs)
- Hmm?

Really? (laughs)

All right, cool.

If you'll excuse me,
I've got to go assert my dominance.

Wh... (sighs)

(clears throat)

(grunts)

Anybody got a match?

WOMAN (groan): Dang.

WOMAN : Mm, that's not right.

Oh, we are thick as thieves,
Mickey and me.

(laughing)

You know, on paper,
it does not seem like it would work,

probably because we are both alphas,

but somehow it does

because we respect each other so much.

Well, rat, that is the end of it.

No, no, no, don't go, my friend!

Hello?

Mickey? Sabrina?

Ben? Anybody home?

Finally!

♪ ♪

♪ Iko ♪

♪ Iko, iko, iko un day ♪

♪ Jock-a-mo fee-no ai na né ♪

♪ Jock-a-mo fee na né ♪

♪ My spy boy ♪

Whoopsie-daisy.

♪ Sitting on the bayou ♪

♪ My spy boy told your spy boy ♪

♪ "I'm gonna set your tail on fire" ♪

- ♪ Talking about hey, now ♪
- ♪ Hey, now ♪

- ♪ Hey, now ♪
- ♪ Hey, now ♪

♪ Iko, iko un day... ♪

Oh, are you boys
looking for a good time?

We're already having a great time,
but thanks.

♪ Fee na né... ♪

♪ My marraine told your marraine ♪

♪ Sitting on the bayou ♪

♪ My marraine told your parrain ♪

♪ "I'm gonna set your flag on fire" ♪

♪ We going down to Bedford town ♪

♪ Iko, iko, un day ♪

♪ We gonna catch a little... ♪

(shouts)

(screaming)

- (rock music playing)
- (engine revving)

(can hisses open)

- (knocking on window)
- DOUG: Jimmy?

There you are.
We were wondering where you went.

- How many beers have you had?
- (engine idling)

Just leave me alone, all right?

All right.

Whatever you want.

I'm not h*m*, you know.

What?

I said I'm not a...

Get in the car.

(music stops)

(door creaks)

I said I'm not h*m*.

I just don't like liars.

I'm sorry I didn't know I needed
to announce that I was gay.

Yeah, then, how was I supposed to know?

You never told me you were straight.

Please.

As if I could hide it.

What's going on, man?

You wouldn't understand.

Okay.

- You don't have to talk about it...
- When I was ,

I had this friend named Anderson.

And we'd spend all day just
kicking the snot out of each other.

Then, at night,
we'd go swimming, and we'd lie

on the docks,
and we'd talk about our dreams.

You know, all the girls we
were gonna suck face with.

Then, one night, Anderson says

maybe we should practice
kissing on each other.

So we spent all night practicing.

And we got good.

I mean, really good, you know?
All the...

And then, the summer ends,
and Anderson goes home,

and a couple months later,
I find out he's got a boyfriend.

And he's totally h*m*.

And our entire relationship
is based on a lie.

And now, it's happening again.

Jimmy, do you ever consider
maybe you're gay?

Yeah.

I've thought about that a lot.

Unfortunately,
I think having sex with dudes is gross.

- No offense.
- All good.

I think having sex with women is gross.

It's weird, you know?

We're so different, but we're alike.

Man.

Look, I'm sorry you had that
really weird experience,

but I'm not Anderson.

And I hope that we can still be friends.

Cool?

Cool.

Hey.

Do you mind if I
masturbate in front of you?

What?

I'm kidding.

(laughs)

(both laughing)

Oh, man, that's classic.

- Ouch!
- Oh, Shut up!

- Dolls don't talk.
- Sorry.

SABRINA: Mickey, a little help here?

You know the magic words.

Okay, fine. I appreciate you.

Oh, yeah? That's a sweet thing to say.

- For what?
- For all the stuff you do for us.

Yeah, I-I drink a lot,
so my memory's pretty hazy.

You know? Can you remind
me what it is I do for you?

You live in our mansion and
eat all of our food. (gasps)

You know who else has great braids?

- Allen Iverson.
- What?

No, no. No. No. Fine. Okay.

Okay.

I appreciate you because
you're our guardian,

and-and you teach us so much cool stuff

about life or whatever.

I really do, don't I?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. What else?

(sighs) Okay.

I appreciate you for leaving
your entire life behind,

that I'm sure was super
awesome and exciting

and not at all trashy,

to take care of three ungrateful brats

whose lives would be doomed

if it weren't for you
being their leader.

Well, that is very big of you to say.

I appreciate that.

All right, b*at it.
I want to play with her for a while.

(shouts)

- (gasps)
- I'm keeping this one.

- What?
- She earned it.

You know, to be fair.

Pemberton, Molng.

You're free to go.

(laughing): Oh.

Oh, man, only a few more seconds,

and you wouldn't have had
to say any of that stuff.

Whatever. I just want to go home.

Yeah, I should probably clock
back in at the dream factory.

- Huh.
- It's too bad, too.

I was enjoying the peace and quiet.

Well, hey, if you want
to hang out for a few hours,

I can hold down the fort, I guess.

- Really?
- Yeah. You know,

at least, until Alba comes back.

Thanks.

What do you think? Is it cool if
I post up here for a few hours?

No, it's not cool.
Unless you've done something wrong,

you have to go.

You-you want me to spit
in your face or something?

Will that do the trick?

Have fun.

I'll see you at home.

Get out of here.

My spot.

(moaning): Oh, yeah.

Hi, Sabrina.

Hi. Where have you been?

Oh, I've been out with the colonel.

(car door opens)

(groans)

Good weekend?

Fantastic.

(grunts)

Benny, grab this.

(gasping)

- SABRINA: What the hell?
- BEN: What?

ALBA: Chip? Uh...

- Ooh.
- Chip?

ALBA: Chip?!

(gasps)

- BEN: Whoa.
- Oh. Hello.

Thank you for coming.

SABRINA: Oh, God.

Chip, are you okay?

What happened?

It's nothing. I'm fine.

It was a minor accident.

It could've happened to anyone.

I have it all under control.

What's "Goo"?

Oh.

Uh, I was writing "Good-bye,
cruel world,"

but then, I got sleepy
and decided to take a break.

Ben, go put some ice in a bucket.

Sabrina, grab some towels.

(Sabrina whimpers)

Okay. Come on, Chip.

Get your fingers, we go to the hospital.

Where are your fingers?!

MICKEY: Anybody got a match?