05x06 - Smooth Jazz and a Weird Floaty Eye

[bunniefuu]

You lose something?

Oh, come on.

You're still not talking to me?

I said I was sorry.

(sighs)

You know, I don't mind

that you borrow my car

without asking.

I don't mind that

you never put gas in it.

I don't even mind that

I have to pull my seat up

all the way from Freaktown.

But when I turn on the radio and

you've changed all my stations,

that's when I snap.

Hey, when I hear Kenny G,

that's when I snap.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm just heading out

for a little bit.

Where?

Got a thing.

What thing?

I'm meeting a guy for a beer.

BONNIE: Who?

You don't know him.

Where are you going?

Who are you meeting?

CHRISTY:

Surrender

or before you know it,

you're a year older.

My brother's in town.

You have a brother?

This is gonna make me

late for work,

but it's worth it.

Why am I not meeting him?

Maybe Adam's ashamed of you.

Hey.

You're not talking to me,

Smooth Jazz.

Tell me why I shouldn't be

incredibly hurt right now.

We're not that close.

The only reason I'm seeing him

is to sign some papers

for our parents' estate.

Estate?

Don't get excited.

It's a thousand bucks a year.

Why my parents

decided to dole it out

until I'm 85 remains a mystery.

Still, uh, after you've gone,

that grand goes to me?

Go nuts.

I'm an heiress.

Adam, a hint.

Sleep with your eyes open.

Already do.

I'll see you later.

Wait.

Why can't I meet him?

What, was he born

without a nose?

Weird, floaty eye?

Spits when he says,

(spitting):

"sauteed spinach."

Yes, it's all of those things.

Can I go now?

No. I am meeting him

and that's final.

I'm not gonna win this, am I?

You gave up those balls

the minute you put a ring

on her finger.

BONNIE: Give me

five minutes to change.

First the legs, now you guys.

The darkness is moving north.

*

Here you go, Bonnie.

Well, thank you, Patrick.

How gallant.

Sure beats a beer

in my hotel lobby.

You're gonna love it.

Oh, waitress.

God, I hate her.

Welcome to the Rustic Fig.

The one place

I used to feel safe.

(laughs)

I told you, she's a p*stol.

Wish I had one right now.

Hey, Christy.

I'm Patrick.

Really nice to meet you.

Hi.

Hi.

Since Patrick's only in town

for the night, we thought we...

She thought.

...we'd come here.

What better way for us all

to get to know each other?

With me serving

you food. Yay.

Can I please have

whatever kind of beer

can get here fastest?

Can you make that two?

But take your time.

And I'll have, let me see...

uh...

What's in a virgin mojito?

Lime juice, cane sugar

and my thumb.

I'll have a water.

Patrick, I'm so glad

we're doing this.

Oh, me, too. I didn't

even know you existed.

I didn't know you existed.

You both exist.

Should we figure out

what we're gonna eat?

Charming as ever, dude.

Bite the big one, Pat.

What fun.

Oh, I'm getting a picture

of the two of you

growing up together.

Roughhousing

out at the lake.

I don't know. Was there a lake?

There was an ocean.

In fact,

Adam taught me to surf.

Man, you sure ran with that one.

What does that mean?

I own a company

that makes surfboards.

Wow, didn't waste any time

squeezing that one

into the conversation.

Okay, why don't we talk about

how you hung out

with Russell Crowe?

He does work that one in a lot.

We got drunk in Prague.

He threw a phone at me.

It's a good story.

The first seven times,

am I right?

(laughs)

I hear something different

every time.

Okay, two beers

and one tap water

with a splash of spit.

Well, we definitely

want appetizers.

What do you recommend?

Going to a different restaurant.

Oh, Christy.

(laughing)

Tell me about the crab cakes.

No.

Your brother seems

like a nice guy.

Where in the world

did you get that?

Well, he paid for dinner

while you were being

a d*ck all night.

That was my takeaway.

I don't like the guy.

I thought you might have

picked up on that

when I told you

I don't like the guy.

Oh, come on.

How many times did

Christy tell everyone

she hated me at dinner tonight?

It's just something people say.

At least it's over.

I never have

to see him again.

Yikes. What happened

with you guys?

He bang your prom date?

Women aren't that

important to me.

Stare all you want;

I'm not taking it back.

Ugh.

It's not fair.

I parade my dirty family laundry

in front of you every day.

You owe me this.

All right, fine.

That surfboard company, my idea.

I worked there.

I helped get it started,

but did he cut me in

on the profits

once it became a success?

I'm guessing no.

Nothing.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Those profits should

be ours-- yours.

Thank you.

God.

You know what really

upset me tonight?

Hmm?

Discovering that my daughter

is a terrible waitress.

I still don't think you

should've complained

to the manager.

How else is she

gonna get better?

Are you eating

garbage cake?

It was untouched.

Anniversary dinner.

He sh*t her a look

when she ordered the cake.

Things went downhill fast.

Well, in that case,

hand me a fork.

Mm.

Thank you.

This is a surprise.

What brings you back?

Ah, there's nothing good

in my hotel's garbage.

I thought I was coming

back here for a nightcap.

(whispering):

This is so much better.

You sure?

Mmm.

I got half a martini

in here.

Wait. There's

a shrimp tail in it.

(laughs)

No, I'm good.

So, did you survive dinner

with my mother?

Oh, my God, I love her.

She's hilarious.

No more cake for you.

Hey, anybody gives my brother

a hard time is okay by me.

To be perfectly honest,

um, I spent most of dinner

waiting for you to come

back to the table.

Oh, my God.

Are you the one who

complained to my manager?

No, it's just that every time

you came back to the table,

things were... you know,

really good.

(laughing): Sorry.

I'm recently divorced.

I'm a little rusty.

I'm sorry.

Are you flirting with me?

You couldn't tell?

See, this is where

my rustiness comes in.

Ah, newly divorced,

too, huh?

Nope, just good old rust.

(laughs)

Well, um, what I'm

trying to say is, uh,

I'm supposed to be

leaving tomorrow,

and if you happen

to be free tomorrow

and are amenable to what

I'm about to propose,

I was thinking I could

stay an extra night

for the express purpose of

taking you out tomorrow.

Just to be clear,

we're talking about tomorrow?

Yeah. Although

it is midnight,

so tomorrow is now today.

So, uh... (mumbles)

...today.

I'd really like that.

Oh, great. Great.

I'll bring the oil can.

For the rustiness.

You know, Wizard of Oz.

(chuckles)

Not dry vag*na.

My God, I...

I just said "dry vag*na."

And pointed.

(chuckles)

Okay, what do you think?

Great. Let me see the tush.

Damn it, I used to have

a cute, little booty like that.

You will again.

You already lost six pounds.

Mm, five.

Paid 300 bucks

for some black market licorice

last night.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, Bonnie.

You heard that, too, right?

It's Jill.

We're Skyping.

You're awfully dressed up

for that.

She's got a date.

Really? With who?

Just a guy.

Adam's brother.

(laughs)

This is fun!

But he left town.

He decided to stay an extra day

just for little old me.

Are you kidding me? You can't

go out with Adam's brother.

And yet I've got my good bra on,

and I'm headed out the door.

No, no, you don't get it.

Adam really doesn't like him.

I don't like you, but we eat

eight meals a week together.

Wait. So why does Adam

not like his brother?

I don't care! He's in town

for one more night,

and he asked me out

like an awkward eighth grader,

so I'm going.

Just so you know, you and

your bra are ruining my life.

Oh, I miss you girls.

Hello?

Am I talking to an empty room?

God, I'm so hungry.

(sportscaster speaking

indistinctly over television)

(clearing throat loudly)

Staircase.

What's going on?

What's going on is

I wanted some quality time

with my man.

Can we do that?

Where's Christy?

She had a date tonight.

Oh, good for her.

You know,

I don't understand

why some guy

hasn't just swept her

off her feet.

Well, I guess that thought

runs in your family,

'cause your brother stayed

an extra day to take her out.

Kiss me.

Bonnie. Bonnie.

Adam. Oh, Adam...

Wait, w-wait.

Hang on a minute.

Christy's on a date

with Patrick?

That's right.

Let's get those pants off.

(stammers)

You know, you did this.

What do you mean?

I was just gonna go out

and have a drink with him

and sign some

papers, but no,

you had to stick

your nose in there

and Bonnie it all up.

Hey, I was gonna

use this mouth

to say I'm sorry,

but it can just as easily

go eat a sandwich.

*

Oh...

Oh...

So, what's your favorite

place to surf?

Ah. Uh... Costa Rica,

probably.

You know, one time I was, um,

waiting for a set to come in

when I realized, suddenly,

that I was surrounded

by dolphins.

Wow, that sounds beautiful.

Ah.

Yeah, it was,

until I realized

the dolphins were

surrounded by sharks,

and that was the moment

I learned I could fly.

I took acid once

and learned I couldn't fly.

Duh...

Oof...

(both groaning)

You know, we've been playing

for 20 minutes,

and neither one of us

has made a sh*t.

Yeah.

(groaning)

Well, that was pretty close.

Should we just start

counting those?

I'll tell you where

we went wrong.

Not enough blue stuff

on the end of the thing.

Step aside and watch me work.

Okay.

Wow! Whoo!

Oh, my God,

I got one in!

I got one in.

Not the one I wanted, but still.

Toss me that magic blue cube.

We are not leaving

until I sink one, too.

Don't you have to go

back home tomorrow?

(chuckles)

Well, actually,

I'm taking a couple

weeks off

to surf my way

down the coast.

Oh.

(ball drops)

Boy, that sounds great.

Do you surf?

Nope.

I can barely swim.

That's why I don't

take baths.

I mean, I shower.

I'm clean.

Smart, beautiful,

hygienic.

Final box checked.

(man speaking indistinctly

over television)

(sighs)

Oh, God, what now?

Your brother's staying

another week

to be with Christy.

And to your left,

more vineyards.

You picked a hell

of a place to get sober.

I know, right?

Could have moved

to Utah,

but where's

the challenge in that?

Yeah.

Lot of grapes.

What are those, red?

See? It's like

you live here.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Sure.

What's the deal

with you and Adam?

Oh, well, what can I say?

Uh, we used to be really tight.

We started our business

together,

and six months later, he bailed.

Left me high and dry.

Wow.

I can see why you're mad at him,

but what's his problem?

Oh, that's simple.

I made the business

into a success,

and now he's jealous.

That doesn't sound like

the Adam I know.

Well, it's the Adam I know.

But, hey, maybe

your mom's had

a good influence on him.

(Christy laughing)

This is a disaster.

Adam is furious,

and I'm out of lingerie.

But I'm happy.

Isn't that what moms are

supposed to want for their kids?

On what planet?

You are standing

in between me

and a thousand dollars

a year.

You are so selfish.

You are so selfish.

What do you guys think?

Look, they remembered

we're here.

Well, I th...

Da-da-da!

You're obviously only

dating Patrick to annoy me.

No, I am dating Patrick

because he's a nice guy.

Annoying you is

a delightful bonus.

I'm gonna shop for jeans.

I'm confused-- why is Adam

so upset about this?

Because Adam and

Patrick hate each other.

Why?

Why does anyone

ever fight? Money.

Well, maybe you two can

help them patch things up.

You were estranged for years

and found a way to reconnect,

and it's been wonderful.

All right, settle down.

I wouldn't go that far.

Do you guys think

I could pull off overalls?

No.

I'm just saying you

could be a good example

to these boys.

Maybe.

Got to admit,

nobody knows decades

of estrangement

and then a quasi-satisfying

makeup like we do.

Yeah. Of course,

if we had money,

things could get dicey.

If we had money, you'd

be dead by sundown.

(knock on door)

Someone's at the door.

CHRISTY:

I'll get it.

Hey, Adam.

I like that shirt.

Oh, thanks.

Wow, why are you

so dressed up?

Oh, son of a bitch.

Hey.

Hi.

(turns TV off)

Oh. Didn't know you'd be here.

Why wouldn't I be here?

It's my fiancée's house.

And another great talk.

Can we go?

Actually, I was thinking

you could come in for a sec.

Ah...

I take it we're being set up?

Looks like it.

Wow, isn't this

a nice surprise.

They're onto us, Mom.

Then let's just jump right in.

We're trying to help

you two asshats

be more like us.

How is name-calling gonna help?

What'd I say?

Look, nobody's had

more bad water

under the bridge than me

and Amazon Prime over here.

But we got over it.

And if we can,

anyone can.

So, sit.

(mock crying)

Okay, animosities.

Go.

Okay, why don't I help

get the ball rolling?

Patrick, Adam is

upset with you

because you hogged all the

surfboard money for yourself.

What?

Is that what you told her?

Because that's what happened.

No, it's not.

Patrick was just a kid

starting up a business.

You're the one

who bailed on him.

How did I bail on you?

You took off for Hollywood

to start your big

stuntman career.

Hey, the surfboard business

was my idea.

I got it off the ground for you,

and then something good

happened to me. I'm so sorry.

Off the ground?

I worked 16-hour days

without you.

I had to quit school.

Oh, take off your skirt.

Our business was great,

and you didn't share

a dime with me.

Oh, please.

I don't see you for ten years.

How is it still "our" business?

I was working on movies.

I-I was on location.

I'm sorry I wasn't there

to hold your hand.

Kind of a soft argument.

Step it up.

You know,

I started this business

to be with my brother, but since

all you care about is money,

I'm happy to write you a check.

I don't want your money.

(groans)

We're winning. Keep going.

You know, if you wanted

to be with me so badly,

where were you

when this happened?

What?

I was in the hospital

for a year.

Guys I hadn't seen

since high school came by.

You never did.

I wanted to be there.

Then why the hell weren't you?

Because I figured

I was the last person

you'd ever want to see.

Why wouldn't I want to see you?

You're my brother.

If I'd known that,

I'd have been there in a second.

I love you, man.

I love you, too.

Dude.

Now would be the perfect time

to get that check.

How did this happen?

My date's having dinner

with your fiancé,

and I'm having my ninth meal

of the week with you.

Bringing them together

feels good, though, right?

Yeah, it does.

We saved a family tonight.

I'm gonna say this to you

'cause you get it,

but I wouldn't say it out there.

Heroes.

It's the only word that works.

Was a little weird

seeing those two crying.

Right? Not sexy.

No.

I will be asleep

when Adam gets home tonight.

You know, if things work out

and we marry these guys...

...you'd be my mother

and my sister-in-law.

And you'd be married

to your stepuncle...

...which would make you

your own niece.

The sad part is,

not the weirdest thing

we've ever done.

Not even close.

But still...

heroes.