03x05 - Gender Bender

[bunniefuu]

[HEART b*ating]

There's the little peanut pie.

I can't believe
that thing's inside of me.

I feel like that guy in "Alien."

[IMITATES BURSTING SOUNDS]

Never seen it.
I don't care for Sigourney Weaver.

Oh, and there's
her little heart b*ating.

Her?

Oh! You wanted the gender
to be a surprise.

Well, surprise! Ha, it's a girl.

No, I need to have a boy.

Are you sure? I mean, what's that?

That looks like a penis, right?

That's her finger,

- and there are ten of them...
- [SIGHS]

So thank God they aren't
penises, right? [LAUGHS]

I mean, you would still
love her, of course.

Hey, why don't we take
your mind off this

and swab your vag*na for strep?

You can get strep in your vag*na?

Oh, yeah. It's the throat of the thighs.

Step right up, my little
honor roll astronauts.

Our space bus is about to blast off

to the magical planet of Arium.

The "planet-arium."

Planetarium. [LAUGHS]

Don't you just love field trips?

They make me feel like a kid again.

No, they suck. The kids go insane.

It's like a prison break,
but instead of shivs,

they have fidget spinners.
Do we have everyone?

Everyone but Nancy Sullivan.

Has anyone seen Nancy Sullivan?

Nancy?

Oh, well, we gave it our
best sh*t. Let's go.

Chelsea, we can't leave
when a student's gone missing.

- We're chaperones.
- So?

Okay. I'll go find Nancy.

No, I'll go.

I don't wanna be on the bus
any longer than I have to.

It already smells like hot bologna

and milk farts in there.

Dibs on going with Chelsea!

Ooh, better luck next time, Caroline.

You gotta be quick.

Yeah... you win.

♪ ♪

Jordan, let me see
those animal crackers.

Oh, yeah, these are expired.

You don't wanna eat 'em.
I'll throw them away for you.

Baby's making you hungry, huh?

Baby's making me depressed.

I just found out I'm having a girl.

[GASPS] Oh, my Gaia! That's wonderful.

- Congratulations.
- No, it isn't.

Having a girl terrifies me,

and I've had a Willem Dafoe sex dream.

Why is having a girl
scarier than having a boy?

I don't know how to relate to girls.

You know you are one, right?

Yeah, but I'm not your typical girl.

They're high-maintenance and emotional,

and I hate princesses and pink
and girly garbage.

Deb, do you even realize
how sexist you sound?

Not all girls are like that.

[GIRLS GIGGLING IN BACK]

I get Cody Simpson,

and you have to take Harry Styles.

No, no, other way around.

You were saying?

You know what?

Today we're sitting with the girls.

What... no, no!

It's like "My Little Pony"
banged a Bratz doll back there.

- [GIRLS GIGGLING]
- Hey, gals.

ALL: Hi, Ms. Cannon.

Hi.

[SLOW ROCK MUSIC]

- Nancy?
- Nancy?

Isn't Nancy a weird name for a kid?

I feel like if you're named Nancy,

you automatically have
two kids and a FUPA.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, and you call
boxed wine your "sassy juice."

BOTH: Nancy?

Ugh, trying to find
a missing child is so hard.

I'm, like, starving.

Oh, let's swoop by the teachers' lounge.

I have my ten hardboiled eggs
in there for the week.

You can have them all.

Ew, I haven't eaten yolk since the ' s.

If we're gonna find this girl,
we need to carb up.

I'll have Meal Chauffeur deliver us

something from Le Kru'ton.
What's Le Kru'ton?

Only the most popular new salad place

in the Chicagoland area.

They're like the Baskin Robbins
of croutons,

except they have flavors
instead of .

And they're croutons.

- Oh.
- What do you want?

I'll have whatever you're having.

Two Create Your Own
Kru'ton Combos coming up.

- Nancy?
- Can you not?

I'm trying to place an order here.

There, done.

Karen will be here in minutes.

Delivery woman?

Damn, Karen. Resist.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Okay, everybody,

while we're waiting for Nancy,

why don't we all enjoy a healthy snack?

You know what they say,
an apple a day...

Phil?

Ugh. God, Phil, throw me a bone here.

All aboard!

The Braid Train is leaving Hair Station.

Next stop, Updos!

So, Mrs. Adler,
what's your husband like?

- Is he cute?
- No.

Just kidding. Yeah, he's cute...

in a Bilbo Baggins kind of way.

[GIRLS GIGGLE]

Why do they laugh so much?

Wanna find out how many
babies you're gonna have?

I already know. One.

After this, I'm getting
my tubes tied into a bow,

because it's a gift
to never be pregnant again.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Okay, sure!

- Pick a color.
- Black.

There is no black.

Then I guess I'm out.

Okay, why don't we play
something different?

[GASPS] Can we give you guys makeovers?

Sounds fun! Right, Deb?

- Sure...
- [GIRLS GIGGLE]

Just be gentle. I use a lot of retinol.

- Ms. Watson?
- Yes, Neil?

Daniel won't let me sit next to him.

Daniel, there is plenty of room there.

That seat's for two. It's already taken.

My best friend, Johnny Ravioli,
is sitting here.

Is Johnny Ravioli your imaginary friend?

No, he's real,

and you're disturbing him.

He's trying to read "Girl on the Train."

[CHUCKLES] Oh, well, I'm very
sorry for disturbing him,

but do you think you could ask Johnny

to stand in the aisle
so Neil can sit down?

I can't believe
you're asking him to stand up!

- He was here first.
- Well, I am,

so please thank Mr. Ravioli
for understanding.

What about Johnny's apple?

Apples are only for students, Daniel.

But Johnny Ravioli was
running late this morning

and didn't get to have
his bagel and lox.

Okay, Johnny can have one apple.

Why'd you just touch Johnny's wiener?

- What?
- You touched his wiener!

[STAMMERS] I can assure you, Daniel,

that I did not touch anybody's wiener.

Uh... sit somewhere else, Neil!

Apple time's over!

[ROCK MUSIC]

Ta-da! [GIGGLES]

We look like sex dolls
that got left out in the sun.

- You don't like it?
- Of course she does.

Mrs. Adler just means
the makeup is a little...

Halloweeny. I can't wait for Halloween.

I'm gonna be Belle from
"Beauty and the Beast."

- And I'm gonna be Rapunzel!
- And I'm gonna be Snow White!

You know Snow White was
drugged and assaulted, right?

- Deb!
- And Belle's a clear case

of Stockholm syndrome.

And don't even get me
started on Rapunzel.

It's like if the movie "Room"
were a fairy tale.

- But I love Rapunzel.
- Get serious, Danica.

If someone was climbing up your hair,

your scalp would rip right off.

- All right, I'm done.
- Wha... what's wrong?

[SIGHS] I can't be around
your toxic energy anymore.

You're not even trying!

Little girls aren't the problem.
You are.

I'm taking a walk.

And you should be terrified
to have a little girl.

She's gonna need a lot of therapy.

[SCOFFS]

♪ ♪

You never watched "Rainbow Brite"?

- What about "Care Bears"?
- No.

My parents didn't like
that when they did

the Care Bear Stare,
they led with their crotch.

Sometimes I don't know
how to respond to your stories.

Where is Karen?

How hard is it to drive
somewhere with food?

- I'm famished.
- Me too.

I'm so hungry, I could eat you!

We talked about tickling.

Oh, my God. [SCOFFS]

she went to the wrong side
of the building.

There are so many stupid people
in this world.

[SCOFFS] Why?

When I see her, I'm gonna ream her out.

[LAUGHS] Just kidding.

I'm gonna say thank you and take my bag.

Ha! Nancy?

Nancy?

No? Okay.

How long does it take to find a kid?

[CHILDREN YELLING]

Uh, listen up, everyone!

I spy, uh, something... red.

When are we leaving?

When everyone gets on the bus, Neil.

Johnny Ravioli's bored.

Oh... I'm sorry.

What would Johnny Ravioli like to do?

He says it's not his job to
think of things for us to do.

He says if you were
a responsible teacher,

you would've made a contingency plan.

Well, tell Johnny Ravioli
thank you for the feedback.

I'll take it into consideration.

Now, I'm gonna get more specific.

I spy something autumnal red.

Johnny says this game is insipid.

"Insipid"?

Where did you learn that word?

I didn't. I don't know that word.

Okay, everybody, Quiet Caterpillar.

[SHUSHING]

Johnny says that's
such a condescending way

to ask children to settle down.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

He says maybe you should
try to, I don't know,

relate to children like
they're actual human beings?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

This bus is out of control!

Now, everybody sit down
and shut your mouths!

Except Johnny Ravioli, of course.

He still has to stand in the aisle.

How do you like them apples?

♪ ♪

I don't understand.

How can the app say
she's on the playground?

- We were just there.
- I'm seriously starving.

Like, I could die. Where is she?

Are you looking for me?

I'm sorry for holding everyone up.

- Is your name Karen?
- No.

Then we're not looking for you.

Wait!

[BUILDING MUSIC]

Have you seen a woman
with a bag of food?

- No?
- [SIGHS] Rats.

Mary Louise...

her icon disappeared off the map.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

She's gone.

I'm calling her.

It went straight to voicemail!

Chelsea... Karen's missing.

BOTH: Karen!

[ALL SOBBING] Come on, stop crying.

I'm sorry I said
that "MASH" game isn't real.

It's just, statistically,

most of you won't ever
live in a mansion.

So I'll never marry Cody Simpson?

You might,

but at that point,
he'll probably be in rehab.

[GIRLS SOBBING]

I'm just trying to be
honest with you guys.

Uh, I hate it when adults lie.

The truth is, you'll probably
end up settling for a guy

you wouldn't have dreamed
of dating in your s.

[GIRLS SOBBING]

I'm gonna go wash this crap off my face.

STUDENTS: [CHANTING]
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Deb, what are you doing?

STUDENTS: Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!

Okay, we will leave
when they get Nanc...

STUDENTS: Let's go! Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

[AIR HORN HONKS, STUDENTS GROAN]

How dare you throw an apple core at me!

From here on out,

everybody stays seated and silent.

Got it?

I can't believe I have to
clean up after you.

[FART NOISE]

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

- Who did that?
- Johnny Ravioli.

Well, it better not happen again.

I mean it.

[FART NOISE]

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

Okay, that's it.

Listen up, Johnny, I have been
putting up with you all day,

and I am sick of it!

So help me, God, you better... uh.

Don't you walk away from me,
Johnny Ravioli.

Hey, you can't get off the bus.

Johnny? Where's he going?

I don't know.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Johnny, look out! There's a car coming!

[ALL GASP]

- [CAR HONKING]
- No, Johnny, no!

- [CAR CRASHES]
- The car hit him!

[CHILDREN GASPING]

Oh, thank goodness, he's getting up.

He could still pull through.

Oh, my God! No!

- [TRUCK CRASHES]
- A garbage truck hit him!

His intestines are
all wrapped up in the wheel.

Two hit-and-runs.
How could this possibly happen?

[STUDENTS CRYING]

Johnny's dead!

[CHUCKLING]

[STUDENTS SOBBING]

[SOMBER PIANO MUSIC]

I came by to see if you need any help.

Excuse me! Have you seen this girl?

Ugh.

Hey! You!

Have you seen this woman? She's missing.

Her name is Karen.

Maybe we should call Meal Chauffeur.

It's no use. They don't consider her

a missing delivery person until
it's been at least an hour.

This is crazy.

I mean, it's like
these people don't have

croutons of their own.

I mean, what if it was
one of their croutons?

BOTH: Karen!

[ROCK MUSIC]

[GRUNTS]

Hello?

Who's in there?

[QUIETLY] It's Nancy.

Nancy, we've been looking for you.

What are you doing
in the faculty bathroom?

- Hiding.
- Why?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Can you open the door?

What's going on?

I think I pooped my pants...

but in the front.

Oh, Nancy, you didn't poop your pants.

You got your period.

And you're in luck,

because if there is
one thing I'm queen of,

it's menstruation.

I know there are better things
to be queen of,

but what I'm saying here is,

I've got your back, girl.

♪ ♪

I don't wanna have my period.

Just wait until you're in your s.

You'll thank your lucky stars
every time you get it.

Why did it have to come so soon?

I'm nine.

It's all the hormones in your milk, kid.

Look, I know it's a little early,

but your body is starting to mature,

and that's a good thing.

I mean, you're gonna
have to deal with cramps

and lower back pain,

and guys asking you
if you're on your period

just because you're in a bad mood,

which, by the way, is not okay.

But you're also on your way
to becoming a woman.

I mean, you're nine,
so don't take that like,

"Oh, you have to be
a real grown-up" yet,

It's just, you've joined the club

ahead of a lot of your friends,

and that's kinda rad.

I know this feels really
annoying and gross right now,

but this is a really special
moment in your life.

Thanks, Mrs. Adler.

I can't believe I got
my first period on a bus.

Oh, don't feel bad.

I got mind at a Korn concert.

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Why is my neck wet?

Why is my neck wet?!

What's on my neck?! What's on my neck?!

I think we should have a celebration.

Hmm?

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC]

I'd like to take a moment of silence

for my dear friend, Johnny.

♪ ♪

You could've put him in jail.

Why'd you go straight to m*rder?

I don't know, okay? It was a mistake.

Thank you.

Jonathan Pumpkin Ravioli d*ed

just shy of his th birthday.

He was a senior citizen?

He had many occupations
throughout his life:

soldier, small-business owner,

and collector of
antique lighting fixtures.

But his favorite job
was that of a husband

and a father.

He is survived by his wife of years,

Barbara Ravioli,

and his three children,

Alfredo...

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT] Bolognese...

and Clam Sauce Ravioli...

and his dog...

Three-Cheese.

I've affected so many lives.

♪ ♪

[MICROWAVE BEEPS]

No period pizza party
is complete without...

the pizza.

Thanks, Mrs. Adler.

I had no idea you were so cool.

Hmm, all it took was pizza, huh?

No, it's not that.

I was really freaked out,

and you made me feel a lot better.

Aw. Well, Nancy,

I think you're cool too.

And I actually like your frilly socks,

which is something new for me.

Do we have to get back to the bus?

Mm... they can wait.

Let's play one more game of
Pin the Pad on the Uterus.

- Yeah?
- [GIGGLES]

[STIRRING STRING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Okay...

- [GIGGLES]
- There you go.

♪ ♪

[STAMMERS]

[CHEERS] Oh!

♪ ♪

BOTH: Karen!

Thank God!

[OVERJOYED MURMURING]

Uh, yeah, sorry,
the app's a little buggy today.

- Oh, we were worried sick.
- Are you okay?

- Did anyone hurt you?
- No.

Don't you ever scare us like that again,

do you hear me?

Now you go back to Meal Chauffeur

and think about
what you've done, young lady.

And we'll figure out
how we're gonna handle this.

Okay. Again, I... I'm sorry.

Just please don't Yelp about this.

Hmm. We'll see.

- Utensils?
- Yeah.

- Okay, good. Thanks.
- Okay.

Hey...

I'm sorry I was such a d*ck.

And I'm sorry I said your daughter
would need a lot of therapy.

I think you'll be a great mom.

I think so too.

And I'm actually really excited
about having a girl.

What took you so long?

There's been two hit-and-runs,
a death, and a funeral.

Don't worry, everyone. We found her.

- No, you didn't.
- Oh, really?

Then how did we get these, fool?

What are you talking about?

- What are you talking about?
- Nancy.

Right...

Nancy, where were you?
We looked everywhere.

But we talked in the hall.

Bus driver!

We're all here. Let's go.

[ALL CHEER]

Oh, my God! You're gonna hit Johnny!

[TIRES SCREECH, ALL SCREAM]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

[GROANING] Daniel...

Johnny Ravioli's dead, remember?

I know.

It was his ghost.

Now he's immortal.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Very well behaved at
the planetarium, everyone.

Guys, I don't wanna do... [GROANS]

- Mrs. Adler?
- Yeah?

I've been elected to talk to you

on behalf of the boys
of Fillmore Elementary.

- Okay.
- We've been made aware

that you throw girls parties
when they get their periods.

Boys don't have periods,
so what do we get?

Entitlement.

Did I stutter? Good-bye.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Great sweater.