03x13 - Playing the Partum

[bunniefuu]

[SOFT MUZAK PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

She's back!

♪ ♪

Ma'am?

You have been here every morning

for the past two weeks.

You're gonna need to buy something.

Excuse me, but these are testers,

- and I'm testing them.
- Well, you've tested

that lipstick times now.

And I'm still making a decision.

You and your friend need to leave.

"My friend"?

[SCOFFS]

♪ ♪

Okay, I'm leaving.

♪ ♪

[ROCK MUSIC]

Hey.

Fresh off watching "G.I. Jane?"

No, gross.

I hate when actresses
go bald for a role.

It's like, we get it.

You have a perfect skull.

No, a bunch of girls from my
b*mb-Ass Femme Book Club

asked me to lead
their Wilderness Gals troop.

And as you know,
I am all about empowering

and supporting women.

Also, your foundation line is visible.

- You look stupid.
- Oh!

Oh! [GROANS]

[GROANS]

Why are you doing that?

- I have a clogged milk duct.
- Eww.

"Eww" doesn't even begin to cover it.

My jug is gonna ache
like a son-of-a-bitch

until I can massage it out.

Ugh, I'm so sore
I couldn't put a bra on.

I thought they were hanging low.

I'm exhausted.

Hagatha's colicky so she's not
sleeping through the night.

Work was supposed to be
a vacation, but instead

it's like I have two jobs
that severely underpay.

Why don't you hire a night nurse?

No. I feel guilty enough as it is

leaving her during the day.

I'm not gonna have someone else
take care of her at night.

There's no shame in accepting help, Deb.

I said no.

I'd rather my post-partum
hair loss keep going

until I'm full bald.

She doesn't have the skull for it.

♪ ♪

Hey there, Baxter.

You gonna have your
woodworking project ready

- for tonight's meeting?
- I'm Diego.

Sorry, Diego.

Forgot to put my contacts in
this morning.

Hey, Mikey, don't forget you're doing

the flag ceremony tonight.

That's Baxter.

Yep, nope, that sure is.

Get out of here, guys.

Come on, now. [LAUGHS]

Oh, hey there. Wow, you're a tall one.

- You enjoying the troop, buddy?
- What are you talking about?

I'm a woman.

[MUMBLES]

Wow.

- You certainly are.
- [LAUGHS]

Sorry, um, you must be the new leader

- of the Wilderness Gals.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm Kyle, the leader
of the Wilderness Guys.

- Chelsea.
- I really like

what you've done with your uniform.

Wouldn't work for me.

- Hairy chest.
- [LAUGHING]

- [LAUGHING]
- Well, you know what

doesn't work for me is this doorstop.

This thing is a total waste of time.

Who cares about surviving in the woods?

The trees just get turned
into toilet paper.

Well, actually, some of those skills

are really important.
You might not know this...

Oh, please do not tell me
what I know and don't know.

I already know what I don't know.

- What happened here?
- And thank you.

Your mansplaining just made me realize

that I need to teach my girls
true survival skills.

I am taking them to the urban jungle.

The mall. [SCOFFS]

[RADICAL ROCK MUSIC]

If I'm using a simile,

I'd say "My pain is like

the fire of a thousand suns."

And if I'm using a metaphor,

I would say "My pain is"...

[GROANS]

[SIGHS] Finally.

[DEEP BREATHING]

Sorry, guys.

My head was in the clouds...

which is both an idiom

- and a metaphor.
- Mrs. Adler?

I think something is spilling
on your shirt

from the inside.

[GASPS]

- Not Jerry the Giraffe!
- It's the only thing

in this classroom I can use!

There's nothing for me here!

This life is a prison!

And that was a metaphor.

♪ ♪

Well, Jessica, I'm sorry
your little brother ruined

your American Girl doll,
but don't take it personally.

Toddlers just don't understand
what they can

and can't wipe with.

Who would like to go next?

- Yes, Preston.
- We had a going-away party

for my math tutor.

She got a job as a girlfriend in Dubai.

Dubai?

- That sounds pretty good.
- Then yesterday I went

- to my father's polo match.
- Was the match

at Crescent Ridge?

I used to belong to that country club!

I had no idea you were rich.

Tell me, does André still work there?

- Will he ever leave?
- [LAUGHING]

You don't have to tell us
about your weekend, Ashley.

You went to a sleepover, you have a dog,

blah, blah, blah. We know.

So, your math tutor left.

Are you still looking for a new one?

Because I could do it.
I could tutor you.

We could do it at Crescent Ridge.

That would be great.

Do they still have a strict dress code?

- Oh, yes.
- [SIGHS]

Okay, everyone, announcement:

tomorrow, we are having
a clothing drive.

Cashmere, silks, and furs only.

And nothing older than last season.

That's just offensive.

To the poor.

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[LAUGHING]

[SOBBING]

Oh, don't look at me!

- I'm a monster!
- Oh, no.

You're just tired.

Once you get some rest
you'll feel better.

There's no rest!

Once I get home I've got
to cook something nutritious

and clean like a thousand bottle nipples

and, you know, keep Hagatha alive.

I know you said
you didn't want any help,

but I'm not a nanny.

I'm a friend.

A friend who used to be a nanny.

- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.

How about I email you my references?

Oh...

Why don't I help out
for a few hours after school?

[SNIFFLES]

You know what?

I don't know what dignity
I'm holding onto.

Sure. [SHAKY LAUGH]

[SNIFFLES]

Where did that come from?

Doesn't matter.

♪ ♪

You are each receiving
a pamphlet written by moi...

Designed and photo-copied by moi...

Mary Louise. Sorry.

You are only here to prove

that women can have secretaries too.

This pamphlet contains
information on how to recognize

and survive sexism in the wild.

Every day, women are minimized,
degraded,

and condescended to.

Just look at what happened
to Anne Hathaway.

- Who's Anne Hathaway?
- Exactly.

Today, as we walk through
the mall, we will identify

any forms of sexism you see at play.

Follow me.

[GASPS] Shh.

We don't want to disrupt

the natural interaction of things.

Oh, boy, hope your husband's
sitting down when he sees

- this bill.
- [GASPS]

Wilderness Gals, what is this
an example of?

- Friendly banter.
- Mary Louise, no.

- Stereotyping?
- That's right!

Congrats to my girl Tiffany!

You just earned your
"Gender Stereotyping" badge.

[GIGGLES]

Ooh!

BOTH: Ooh!

Ooh!

Girls, sexist jokes
like these are made by men

of all ages and sizes...

including this moron,
who has a butterface.

Excuse me... a "but-his-face."

Moving on.

[RADICAL ROCK MUSIC]

Oh, my God.

- Whose house is this?
- Hey, hun.

Can you believe it?

And Cecelia did the laundry!

It turns out the machine wasn't broken.

I was just turning the knob
in the wrong direction.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Welcome home.

It's so clean.

You're a miracle worker.

I've been wearing swim bottoms
as underwear for a week.

I've got it from here.

There must be dirty bottles somewhere.

Already done and put away.

I find menial tasks meditative.

Thank you.

- I'm speechless.
- [BABY FUSSING]

Oh, no, no, no, Deb. I got her.

Hi.

♪ I love you more than anyone ♪

♪ In the whole wide world ♪

[LAUGHS]

♪ In the whole wide world ♪

♪ No one loves you more than me ♪

She's really taken to you, Cecelia.

- [LAUGHS]
- Thanks, Cecelia.

I got her.

[SIGHS] Yeah.

I should get going.

You want to come home
with your Aunt Cecelia.

Yes, you do.

You tell your mommy
you're coming home with me.

- You tell her.
- Well, she can't

'cause she doesn't speak,

so... bye.

[DRAMATIC FLAIR]

God, she is a dream, right?

♪ ♪

Today, we are in the belly of the beast:

- the hardware section.
- Ooh.

Where's Tim "The Toolman" Taylor?

- Oh, oh, oh!
- Mary Louise, knock it off.

No other location in history
has been more inhospitable

to women... besides Matt Lauer's office.

Ladies, consult your pamphlets,
as we are about to see

some extremely toxic behavior.

Excuse me.

What can I help you with, sweetheart?

- I need a circular saw.
- Actually, you're gonna want

to go with a table saw.

It's a lot less skill required
and it's easier

for someone like you to operate it.

- Girls.
- Mansplaining, two counts.

He doesn't know your expertise level

and he used the word "actually."

Yes, Nancy.

Mary Louise, badge her.

[VOCALIZING]

[GIGGLES] This is something

you'll have to endure your entire lives

whether you're in an Uber,
a Jiffy Lube, or Congress.

Moving on.

Bye.

[SNOOTY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Oh, why thank you.

And keep 'em coming.

[WHISPERING] I'm back.

Hey, Ms. Watson.

We can set up over there by the veranda.

- Okay.
- Caroline Watson.

Oh!

I haven't seen you in forever.

I thought you were dead. [LAUGHS]

Not dead, Lil.

Alive and loving it.

I'm sorry I haven't been around.

I've just been so busy lately.

Mimi said your funds were all tied up

in your father's trial
and you couldn't afford

this place anymore.

[LAUGHS]

Whaaat?

Well, as luck would have it,
we are down a fourth

at our bridge table.

- Care to pop on?
- Would I ever.

Caroline's in!

What about my tutoring session?

Not now, kid.

I need this.

♪ ♪

Hey, can I be really dumb for a second?

Of course. Chelsea's dumb all the time

and that never stops her from talking.

[GASPS]

Cecelia's been really helpful

but she keeps singing to Hagatha

that she loves her more
than anyone else in the world

and calling her "my baby."

- It's kind of creeping me out.
- Oh, that's totally normal.

My au pair used to call me
"ma petite enfante."

Yeah, I wouldn't worry.
When I was at the mall

with Chelsea, I told
three different babies

I'd eat them right up,
but I'd never eat a baby.

Yeah, yeah, you're...
you're probably right.

I'm just so tired it's hard to tell

- what's real anymore.
- Hey!

I've been thinking about Hag all day.

Can't wait to see my baby tonight.

I got her a new passie.

I watch a lot of Lifetime movies...

never let a woman in a caftan
take a power position

in your home. They'll end up sleeping

with your husband, nursing your baby,

and k*lling you.

[SINISTER CHILDREN'S MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[BELL RINGING]

Ms. Watson?

I won't need you to tutor me anymore.

I applied to Chiswell Academy
and my mom says I'm a shoe-in.

Oh.

Well, congratulations, Preston.

This an excellent school.

[DEVIOUS MUSIC]

I just wanted to call and say
that I think Preston

would be a wonderful addition
to Chiswell.

He's made such great strides this year.

He hasn't bitten me in so long
that you can barely see

the scars, and it's been
at least two weeks

since he's defecated out of anger.

The time-out cage has been a godsend.

I'd recommend a Taser, though.

[FUNKY ROCK MUSIC]

Okay, my queens,
it's time to accessorize.

Chelsea, I've learned so much this week

and, well, I was just wondering...

- You can take a badge.
- [SQUEALS]

Uh, girls... girls, please.

Play nice, all right?

All this running around's
not very ladylike.

[GASPS]

What kind of sexism was that?

Um, nothing?

It came from a woman.

- Women can't be sexist.
- Wrong.

Menopause Molly's comment
was a micro-aggression,

and a perfect example
of internalized misogyny.

- [SCOFFS]
- Maybe the worst offense

- of all.
- How dare you.

How dare you?

Why don't you go up to Eileen Fisher?

I think it's on the fourth floor.

- [GIRLS GIGGLE]
- Ma'am.

- Ow.
- [GASPS]

- My ankle.
- Oh, no.

Nancy, are you okay?

Can you put weight on it?

No, it hurts worse
than the micro-aggressions!

- Oh, no.
- What do we do?

I don't know, Tiffany. I don't know.

We should have brought
the Wilderness Gals manual!

Well, we didn't! It's at my apartment

stretching out my Caché tops.

Everyone stop panicking!

If she can't stand on it,
it might be broken.

- Mansplainer!
- Uh, actually, I'm a doctor.

Enough with the "actuallys"!

I really think you need
to get her to a hospital...

Yeah, no means no, so go.

GIRLS: Yeah.
- Damn it.

Okay. Think, Chelsea, think.

[GASPS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SCREAMS] Oh, yes.

- [GIRLS MURMURING]
- Oh, my gosh.

I've got this!

- There we go.
- [WEEPING]

- I've got you, girl!
- Yes, Chelsea, yes.

[WEEPING] Oh, my gosh.

She's amazing.

There.

I did it.

It's a splint! [LAUGHING]

That's my little girl.

Good girl, good girl.

Oh, my God!

Are you breastfeeding my baby?

What? No, of course not.

- I was just holding her.
- I'm sorry.

I think I just need a moment.

[SINISTER MUSIC]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Pull it together, Deb.

Hey, Cecelia, I apologize...

♪ ♪

Cecelia?

Cecelia! Cecelia!

Give me back my baby!

We were just getting some fresh air.

But if you prefer, we can
stay in and watch a movie.

Yes!

- That would be great.
- I think "Risky Business"

is on Netflix.

I just love Rebecca De Mornay.

♪ I love you more than anyone ♪

[ECHOING] ♪ In the whole wide world ♪

♪ In the whole wide world ♪

After the incident
at Helm's Department Store,

it has come to my attention
that while we are "rock stars"

at identifying problematic behavior,

we do need to learn
other survival skills.

So today I'm gonna show you
how to start a fire

using the mirror from your
Urban Decay eye palette.

Actually, that's not effective.

I knew girls couldn't
do anything without makeup.

- Hey, cut it out.
- Mansplaining!

What you just said was condescending.

And let me tell you
why you shouldn't talk

- to women that way.
- Calm down, okay?

Are you kidding me?

- Oh, I am not calming down.
- Wow, these girls

really know how to stand up
for themselves.

Whatever you're doing, it's working.

Did you hear I made a splint
using a high heel?

- Hmm.
- I'm basically a hot MacGyver.

MacGyver rocks. He's the reason

I started traveling with duct tape.

Hey, girl.

- Aww, how's your ankle?
- It was broken.

The doctor said if I would have
walked around

in that splint you made,
it would have caused

- permanent damage.
- Maybe just read

the first aid part of the manual.

Yeah, okay.

♪ ♪

Bye, Ms. Watson.

It's been great having you as a teacher.

Wait, did you get into Chiswell?

No, but my mom's
pulling me out of Fillmore

because she heard
I had behavioral issues.

- Oh.
- Meh, it's probably

for the best.

I can't relate to the kids here anyway.

Wait, Preston, you can't go.

Can we at least keep in touch?

I could visit you at Crescent Ridge.

I don't think so.

My dad says it's best
to keep your distance

- from the help.
- [GASPS]

♪ ♪

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[GASPS]

Door was open, so I let myself in.

I figured you could use
some help overnight

since she's been so fussy
with the colic.

- Let me take her.
- No.

No. [WHIMPERING]

Not another word.

Now, you go take a nice long nap.

[FOREBODING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[THUNDER CRASHING]

♪ ♪

[SINISTER MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hello, I'm calling for a reference

for your former nanny, Cecelia Cannon.

♪ ♪

What do you mean,
you've never had a nanny

by that name?

"Cecelia Cannon."

You don't know her?

You've never heard of her?

But she has you listed as a reference!

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Hello?

[SHAKY BREATHING]

♪ ♪

[WHIMPERING]

♪ ♪

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You're not gonna take over my life,

you psychotic bitch!

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, my God!

You're [BLEEP] her!

[SCREAMING]

- [CHOKING]
- [GROWLING]

♪ ♪

Deb?

Hey, Deb? Deb, you awake?

- What happened?
- You fell asleep

while you were trying
to choke out Cecelia.

But she was wearing my clothes, and none

of her references had ever heard of her.

I... I just got her
some of your old clothes

- 'cause she was soaking wet.
- And I probably

should have mentioned...
back when I nannied,

I went by my Sanskrit name, Bhakti.

[EXCLAIMS]

I am so sorry, Cecelia.

I can't believe I went all
"Hand That Rocks the Cradle"

- on you.
- You know, maybe we should

consider getting a night nurse.

You know what?

That sounds great.

- I do need help.
- Yeah, I can prost*tute

my talents, pick up some wedding gigs

- so we can afford it.
- Aww, thanks, babe.

[MOCK-WHIMPERS]

Are you okay, Cecelia?

I went at you pretty hard.

Yeah, I'm fine!

I may not be able to eat
solid foods for a few days

but it's okay!

- Okay, let's review.
- Okay.

"How do you neutralize a snake bite?"

- With my own urine.
- No.

"How do you relieve the pain
from a jellyfish sting?"

- With my own urine.
- No again.

Ah. "In the absence of water,

how can you hydrate yourself?"

- With my own urine!
- Yes!

[SCREAMS]

[MOANS]

Oh, thank you so much for helping me.

You're such a hot, sexy,

- wilderness man...
- Uh-huh.

- Who is so smart...
- [MUFFLED EXCLAMATIONS]

[BOTH MOANING]

I'm into this, but for some reason

- I really have to pee.
- Oh.

- Okay.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Well.

Actually, that was so good
I don't want to wait.

[BOTH MOANING]