04x01 - Standing Over

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I've been going out a lot lately,

with the intention of...

finding someone.

And at least it hasn't just been sex,

but this idea that I'll
find, uh, my person.

♪ ♪

'Cause lately it just... alone.

The world just feels so... awful.

Dank.

You know, this dread.

And I feel like I'm on the
outside of the world.

(SIGHS) Then...

you meet someone.

You could see everything
so much clearer.

And it's...

it's everything.

Suddenly, you're on the
inside of the world again.

GROUP: God,

grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

How much longer is this gonna go on for?

HERBERT: We're almost done.

Did Professor Mackinaw
ever promise you anything

in exchange for sex?

No, of course not.

Money or more teaching sections?

No.

- Leslie isn't like that.
- HERBERT: Do you dispute

you had a sexual relationship
with Professor Mackinaw?

My personal life is
none of your business.

I'm a graduate student, not a child.

Well, we have to investigate
every complaint.

Nothing was done to me here.

Do you understand?

We were friends, colleagues,

lovers.

I never even lodged a complaint.

Four other female students did.

One of them was an undergrad.

MAURA: This just in.

(STUDENTS LAUGH)

I am going to Israel.

- (STUDENTS GASP AND CHEER)
- Yes.

Uh, the Holy Land.

Uh, they asked me to present a paper

at the Judaism and Gender Conference

at Bar-Afik University,

and I will be gone for two weeks.

(STUDENTS GROAN)

No, yep, well, uh, in my absence,

I would be very delighted were you to

livestream the event.

How many are going to livestream?

Oh, thank you. It's absolutely required.

- Um...
- (STUDENTS LAUGH)

So, let's just hope that I
am better received there

than the last Jew who went a-preachin'.

- (STUDENTS LAUGH)
- Professor Pfefferman

out!

(STUDENTS LAUGH, CHEER)

(BOTH GRUNTING, MOANING)

Oh, yeah.

- Oh, f*ck.
- What? What?

I forgot to sign this permission slip

for Ella's field trip.

- What field trip?
- She's going to some f*cking farm.

- Today?
- Yeah, it's like

a petting zoo or some sh*t.

What, like Knott's Berry or something?

- Yeah, they got, like, baby animals.
- (MOANS)

They got, like, sheep and f*cking pigs,

and goats, and little
lambs and all that sh*t.

- (MOANS)
- Oh, f*ck.

- (MOANS)
- I'll sign it later.

(MOANS LOUDLY)

(QUACKING)

ROSALIE: Shelly Pfefferman!

Do you smell this exhaust?

Rosalie Rollman.

This moving truck of yours
has been idling here

- for over an hour.
- What's your problem, Rosalie?

- It's just... i-it's...
- Your diaper too tight?

- It is against he condo rules.
- SHELLY: The condo rules,

- the condo rules.
- Yes, it is.

This place is like a dictatorship.

- It's worse than America.
- Ah!

- I'm glad you're going!
- You know what?

I, I have a beautiful, wonderful son

who has invited me to live with him.

- Come on.
- You have no one.

- Ah!
- Because you're a shtick drek!

Ah!

- I'm starting a new life in Silver Lake
- Out! Out!

where they appreciate
artists such as myself.

- ROSALIE: Ah, shut up!
- Isn't that right, Joshy?

Get the truck out of here!

SHELLY: f*ck you, Rosalie,

and this condo of corpses!

SHELLY: Tushy?

Joshy!

Tush?

Tush-nush?

Hungry!

- J-Joshy?
- (DOOR OPENS)

Oh, there you are.

Did you hear me calling you?

Yeah, I heard you.

All the neighbors heard you.

Oh, stop it. W-Why didn't you answer me?

Because, Mom, I'm trying to
keep it chill in here, okay?

Ooh, are you tired, puppy?

No, I'm fine, I just, like,
your energy is, is like,

- is literally like
- (KISSES)

there's a gas fire in
the kitchen right now.

- Is there an emergency?
- Yeah, there's a fire in my belly;

I'm hungry.

Do you want to go to Gelson's
with me for the hot bar?

They have that-that wonderful cafe,

that outdoor cafe that's indoors.

Um, it's super early.

It's : .

Yeah, that's early.

I don't do dinner till : ,

but, you know, you can go.

All right.

Okay.

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ooh, ah, ooh ♪

♪ Ah, ooh, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah. ♪

(CHILDREN SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

(CHILDREN SHRIEKING, LAUGHING)

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

GIRL: I got you.

BOY: Tag.

BOY: Tag!

Tag. (SQUEALS)

GIRL: (SCREAMS) Papa!

- Papa!
- Papa!

- Hi.
- (GIRL SHOUTS IN GERMAN)

- Hi.
- (BOY SHOUTS IN GERMAN)

- BOY: Papa! (SPEAKS GERMAN)
- What?

No, there isn't.

Hi. How are you?

Exactly who are you
and-and how did you...

Oh, I'm Ali. I live down here.

Um, hold that thought. Go inside.

(WHISTLES) Get in the house, now.

Bye.

AUGUST: Mine, mine, mine, mine

mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

- ALI: Hi.
- Okay, hi.

Let's-let's go ahead and backtrack.

- Okay?
- Hi.

Who are you and how did
you get in the yard?

I, uh, live in the apartment right here,

- so I just came out the...
- You're...

- you're living here right now?
- Yeah.

But I mean, on Airbnb, you never said

I'd be sharing the property.

- Do you understand?
- Oh, well, it's...

I mean, you can come and take a look.

It's totally a separate thing.
There's...

- Let's-let's go eyeball it. Sure.
- You know,

I have blinds down and...

it's, like, nothing is attached or open.

I mean, there's a door,
but it's closed, so...

All right. My concern is my
family's privacy dynamic

because I have to be able to
walk anywhere I want to walk

and be how I want to be
without my security breached.

I hear you.

I know you can hear me
and that worries me

because you're down here, all right?

You're seeing things that
I don't want you to see.

Not that there's anything that...
is there?

There's nothing that... if
she wants to see things,

she can see things, but it
doesn't make any difference.

All right? I want to be able to walk

confidently... in whatever state of mind

and whatever state of undress, knowing

that I'm not gonna be looked at.

Anyway, for the comfort of my family,

just stay out of the yard.

Got it. Thank you.

(WHISTLES) That'd be great.

ALI: Okay.

I got it.

- (SNAPS FINGERS)
- Let's go now, all right?

(CAR HORN BLARING)

LEN: Are you guys getting hungry?

- SARAH: Good morning.
- Good morning. Hi.

LEN: You guys want some
black-and-white cookies?

- Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
- ZACKY: Yeah.

Can I get a dozen black-and-whites?

- ZACKY: And potato pancakes.
- You know what?

ELLA: Look, there's a gumball machine.

Actually, that's kind of for Hanukkah,

but all right, yeah.
You know what, fine.

- We'll have some potato pancakes.
- ZACKY: Dad, Dad, Dad.

- Do you have any quarters?
- And can I get both kinds of lox?

- No, I don't have any quarters.
- Oh, I found a quarter.

I don't have quarters.

- This is so fun.
- Oh, we should get some...

Load them up, dude.

Ooh, can I get a whole fish?

Guys, look at this fish, guys.

- CLERK: Sure.
- Come over here, guys.

Look at this fish.

That'll be fun. Uh...

- ZACKY: Wait, it's still got its eye.
- LEN: That's a big one.

- Yes, oh, my God, look. Perfect.
- It's got its whole head.

ZACKY: It's got its eye, it
looks like a black pearl.

- This is like...
- Do these people remember us?

We used to have our own standing order.

I wonder if they're gonna remember us.

We used to have a standing order here

for, like, uh, years. The Pfeffermans.

Do you know the name?

I don't remember. You can
pay at the register.

Okay. Well, we did.

ALI: And the children, I swear to God,

it's like they've got
Stockholm syndrome with him

and he says that he's their dad,
but they're German; he's not.

- How many are we?
- I mean,

you thought they were just gonna, like,

- lie down like corpses?
- Yeah.

If you're renting somebody else's house,

- it's not your house all of a sudden.
- I'm sorry.

No, but you don't
understand what I'm saying.

- How many are we?
- It's too hard for you to be there.

- Why are you even here?
- Hey, how many are we?

- It's one, two, three.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Hello, hello.
- And then we got Sarah, Zacky, Ella.

- (OVERLAPPING GREETINGS)
- We have Maura, Bryna, Simon...

- LEN: We caught a fish.
- Wow, you guys caught got a fish?

How many of us are there that
you're gonna have so much food?

Look at this, look at
this, look at this beast.

- Wait a minute.
- Hold up, hold up.

- We k*lled him.
- Oh, my God, that's enormous.

JOSH: Guys, get that fishy
smell off the counter.

SHELLY: Sweetheart, that...
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Sweetheart, this is too big.
- Open the fish up.

How much... oy-ya-yoy, how much
did you pay for all of this?

- It was a thousand dollars.
- Oh, stop it.

- No, it had to be at least a hundred.
- It was actually

- a thousand real dollars.
- Put 'em over there.

MAURA: Sorry we're late.

- SHELLY: I was very close. $ .
- ALI: What's that?

SIMON: It's just the rest
of Grandma Rose's things.

And I think Mom wanted
you to look through it.

ALI: Look at, I remember this.

MAURA: Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
Sorry I'm late.

SARAH: Aunt Bryna, you came with Moppa?

That's so great.

- Did you take the or the ?
- Yes, hello.

- So nice to see you.
- Nice to see you, too.

ALI: This was Grandma Rose's?

BRYNA: I didn't want to
give all this stuff away

- after Grandma passed.
- This is so great.

BRYNA: Thought I'd give
you chickees a look-see.

- Oh, look at this. This is...
- This is good for you.

I remember that.

- It's pretty.
- ALI: This is kind of...

- Look at this.
- Look at this.

MAURA: Oh, that's actually, that's...
No, no, no.

I mean, I don't think that's
gonna fit you, but...

No, I said. I already told him.

SHELLY: Look, this is gonna have moths.

- Oh, my God! This! This!
- (SARAH LAUGHS)

- JOSH: All right.
- Oh, I loved this.

- Now, that's dope.
- She made that.

JOSH: That is dope right there.

- ALI: Do you remember this?
- SARAH: Totally.

- Oh, my God.
- ALI: She crocheted this herself.

SHELLY: You know how many
moths live in there?

JOSH: Is there any chance of bedbugs?

- BRYNA: She always loved you, Ali.
- (ELLA SCREAMS)

SHELLY: Ella, stop screaming.

LEN: It's just magic.

SHELLY: So anyway,
you're going to Israel.

How many hours is that flight?

- , hours?
- I have no idea.

LEN: I think it's so cool
you're teaching again, Maura.

Oh, they're great. I love it.
I love, you know.

SARAH: What, exactly, are you
gonna be doing over there?

- MAURA: In Israel?
- SARAH: Yeah.

MAURA: Um, they call it...

- ALI: Keynoting.
- MAURA: Keynoting.

And they use it as a verb.

And "Judaism, Cold w*r, and Gender"

- is the name of my lecture.
- Wow.

- Triple thr*at.
- SARAH: Seriously?

- Seriously.
- That is so cool.

- It is cool.
- SARAH: You guys,

- I think we should raise a glass.
- That's really cool.

- Let's raise something.
- LEN: Mazels to...

your return to academia.

- Next year in, uh...
- And to the motherland.

I would like to go to
Israel before I die.

I planted a tree there.

Darling, we all planted trees there.

- No, no.
- I think it's a scam.

- No, it's not a scam.
- LEN: That is a scam.

It would be, like, a forest by now.

Sarah went, right? You went junior year?

Yeah. My first hand job.

SHELLY: Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING)

(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS)

- JOSH: Let's move into dessert, guys.
- SHELLY: Oy-ya-yoy,

my squidgy, pudgy boy wants dessert.

- (GOLF BALL STRUCK ON TV)
- Oh!

- Everybody still eating?
- SHELLY: So, anyway, wait.

So what time is this golf gonna be over?

SARAH: Len, really? Do we have to?

LEN: Yes, it's Sunday, be quiet.

- I can't hear them whispering.
- SARAH: Why, why, why?

LEN: Everyone's talking and I
can't hear them whispering.

It doesn't end. That's
the beauty of golf.

SHELLY: This is so goyishe.

Grown men and their balls.

(LAUGHTER)

MAURA: Are you okay?

- Yeah.
- All right?

- Yeah, I'm good. I'm just cozy.
- Oh, boy.

Grandma Rose's blanket.

- (Ella screams
- Guys... can I throw this fish away?

- Please?
- SHELLY: Ella, stop screaming.

- LEN: No, no, no, no, no.
- JOSH: This is a dead carcass.

LEN: Don't throw it away,
I'm not done with it.

SHELLY: Can we just talk
about Israel for a minute?

LEN: Oh, here we go.

SHELLY: Simon, what did you do?

They need to get over it already.

They should just call it
Israelstine or Pisrael.

SHELLY: I will tell you

what the problem with the
two-state solution is.

It sounds too much like
the Final Solution.

- Oh, he cut off his finger again.
- (ELLA SCREAMS)

ALI: Nothing was done to me.

I never lodged a complaint.

- Four other female students did.
- done to me.

One of them was an undergrad.

ALI: We were friends. done to me.

- BRYNA: Hello.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

SHELLY: Josh, kids, your Aunt
Bryna and Uncle Jerry are here.

JERRY: What is going on in here?

- Uncle Jerry!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

You're like a model, Sarah.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Oh. (LAUGHS)

JERRY: Wait, is that Ali over there?

- How old are you now?
- Ali, come on up here and say hello.

- You're all grown up.
- Ali, come in the kitchen.

You look great, you look healthy.

- Why are you being so shy?
- Come on up here.

What, are you not proud
of yourself, Ali?

- Um, I don't know.
- Ali, what is the holdup?

- Come on, give me a hug.
- SHELLY: Ali, don't be rude.

- Don't be a brat.
- Go ahead, Ali, hug him already.

It's just a hug.

It's not like he wants
to smush up against you

- to feel your tits.
- Of course not.

- Just go ahead and do it.
- Give him a hug!

- I hug my uncle all the time.
- I mean, it's a simple embrace.

- There you go.
- JERRY: You're blossoming.

- SHELLY: That's my girl.
- Yes.

See, it's no big deal.

She's becoming a woman.

BRYNA: Isn't this fun?

SARAH: I honestly think we
should do this every week.

LEN: Every week is a lot.

SARAH: No, we could have the
standing order at Canter's.

SHELLY: Oh, I think
that's a very good idea.

I'm just saying. You don't have
to come every week, but, like...

- the space is here.
- MAURA: Does anybody have any Aleve?

I have Tylenol with codeine.

MAURA: No, no codeine. That constipates.

SHELLY: You know, you're
absolutely right.

MAURA: Codeine does constipate.

SHELLY: Codeine absolutely
constipates you.

- Absolutely constipates.
- No, it truly does.

JOSH: Oh, yeah.

ALI: Oh, I will not spend
another second of my life

listening to Aunt Bryna slurp coffee.

- (LAUGHTER)
- (SARAH IMITATES SLURPING)

What about Mom with the
fish bone as the toothpick?

- Why do you want to do this every week?
- Disgusting.

What? No, family is
gross, but it's important.

God, Aunt Bryna!

You guys, she is transformed
since Rose d*ed.

- She's so happy.
- Yeah.

Well, we'd be transformed
if our parents d*ed.

- Really?
- Guys, you realize

Mom can't say a sentence
without numbers in it?

She's obsessed.

I mean, all Jews are
obsessed with numbers.

I just never realized,
like, how constant it is,

you know what I'm saying?
Does she have OCD?

Maybe you should ask her tonight
when you two are spooning.

- (LAUGHTER)
- JOSH: That's pretty good.

Don't laugh too hard, you guys are next.

- No. Not it.
- Not it.

- Said it first.
- JOSH: You guys are despicable.

I was worried about her

- after Buzzy left.
- Mmm.

By the way, I saw you
playing footsies with Len.

- Oh, shut up.
- You back on the Len bone?

- Actually, yes. Sometimes.
- I'm not judging.

It's cute. It's, like, it's easy.

Yeah, it's nice to
have a standing order.

- Exactly.
- ALI: That's depressing.

- JOSH: Oh, my God.
- No, it's not.

It's, like, nice to have comfort.

I don't want, like, my
whole life to be driven

by my vaginal impulses; I
don't want to be that person.

- Um, you are that person.
- Look who's talking.

- Look who's talking.
- Me?

- Not me.
- You guys are worse than I am.

- No way, you're number one.
- No, I'm not.

Close second. Close second
with the vaginal impulses.

- Oh, my God, wait. Whoa, whoa, wait.
- JOSH: What?

Here, hold this.

There was actually a sex
addicts quiz on BuzzFeed

- and I thought of you both.
- Mm.

- All right, let's hear it.
- "Are you a sex addict?"

- You ready?
- Bring it.

Number one, "Do you get
high from sex or romance?"

- Check.
- Bigly.

Check, check.

- Check.
- Check.

- Okay, fine, yes, but who doesn't?
- Normal.

- Number two...
- Thank you.

Uh, "Have you lost count
of your sexual partners?"

f*ck, who was that?

- ALI: This is hard.
- Next question.

- Next question.
- SARAH: Oh, wait, wait, I'm still...

Let's consider that a yes.

- Definitely don't remember names.
- JOSH: Moving on.

Three, have your desires
driven you to have sex

in places or with people that
you would normally not choose?

- (LAUGHS)
- f*ck, yeah.

- Ew.
- Disgusting people... okay,

- stop with the creepy laugh.
- JOSH: Yeah!

ALI: Okay, what's next, what's next?

- I'm grossing myself out. I am... ugh!
- That's a yes.

That's a yes, that's three for three.

- Four. Four.
- (JOSH WHOOPS)

Do you believe that
your happiness depends

on having a great sex life?

- Yes.
-JOSH: Obvs.

You realize this is a test
to determine if you're a sex addict.

All that stuff is normal.

Yeah, this is... everybody has this.

We were just "yes" on all... okay.

You know what? Whatever.

I dare us all to go to
a meeting together,

and then you'll see what's normal.

- Fine.
- Is it possible we're all sex addicts?

JOSH (LAUGHS): I guess
we're gonna find out.

- Hmm.
- SARAH: We forgot to get high, you guys.

(LINE RINGING)

(DOOR BUZZES)

♪ Like a light inside ♪

♪ Like a holy wine ♪

♪ Love climb to heavens above ♪

(MOANING)

♪ Oh, right now, baby ♪

♪ Give me all of your love. ♪

JOSH: Jesus, I can't believe
we're actually doing this.

ALI: I know. Oh, my God, you
guys, we need fake names.

- SARAH: I'm Donna de Varona.
- JOSH: I can be Marge.

(LAUGHTER)

- It's like... Oh, my God.
- Wow.

- Oh, my God.
- Wow. What a f*cking cool building.

It's amazing.

(WHISPERING): Holy f*ck.

See that chick in the red?

I think she taught at
Ella's nursery school.

- So?
- Well...

Dirty, dirty. Not approved
to work with children.

(LAUGHS QUIETLY)

Hey, calm it down a little bit.

SARAH: I'm gonna go say hi to her.

Um, hi. I... do you... I, are you...?

I'm sorry, you worked
at, uh, East Side JCC?

Yeah. You're, you're Ella's mom.

- (LAUGHS): Yeah.
- Yeah.

Otherwise known as Sarah.

- (CHUCKLES) Lila.
- Sorry. Li...

- Lila, of course, I knew that.
- Yep. Right.

- Just Lila.
- BRE: Okay, guys. Let's get started.

- It's nice to see you.
- Yeah.

BRE: Hi, everyone.

Welcome.

GARRETT: Hi, I'm Garrett.

I'm recently widowed, and I'm living

in a senior complex right now.

WOMAN: Ugh, when I was
young, I was really obsessed

with, uh, Pippi Longstocking.

I realize I really wanted
to have sex with her.

Hi, I'm Michael, and I'm
a sex and love addict.

Women are coming up to me all the time.

So, pigtails, red hair.

People who own horses are my triggers.

GARRETT: And I don't feel that I
should act on these impulses.

These triggers, uh, just set me off

- on seduction trips...
- (OVERLAPPING SHARING)

and I follow people.

MICHAEL: I want to talk
to you guys about it.

- WOMAN: I-I can't stop.
- MICHAEL: I just need help.

I'm very ashamed.

MICHAEL: So this thing
has been bugging me,

like crazy, and I, maybe you
guys can help me out with this.

I'm thinking about my past and
about the people I've been with.

And all the sex I had when I was young.

And it was mainly because people
wanted to have sex with me.

I wasn't even... really wanting it.

But I felt... like, obliged to do so.

And it, it wasn't that I
didn't know how to say no,

I just, I felt like, like if my...

if my body is responding,

then...

it means yes.

Meaning, the thing that
just occurred to me,

which is gonna sound weird,

but it feels like a revelation.

That maybe an erection is not consent.

JOSH: That's brilliant, what
you just said right there.

- BRE: Um, no cross-talk.
- You said an erection is not consent.

That's, that's cross-talk.
We don't do that here.

- JOSH: I'm sorry, my bad.
- Totally cool.

- Sorry. Yeah, okay.
- It's cool.

- My bad.
- Thank you for listening, guys.

- BRE: Thank you for sharing.
- Thank you, Michael.

BRE: If no one else wants to go,

we'll conclude with a serenity prayer.

Okay? Ready?

ALL: God,

grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING,
DISTANT SIREN WAILING)

(GIRL SHRIEKS)

- (THUMPING, INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (SIGHS)

I'm completely over this day.

(EXCITED CHATTER)

It went faster than you.

(THUMPING, CHATTER CONTINUES)

♪ Ha, ha, ha... ♪

- Nein!
- (SCREAMS)

(SHOUTING)

(THUMPING CONTINUES)

♪ Ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, uh, uh ♪

♪ Uh, uh, uh ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha. ♪