04x07 - Babar the Borrible

[bunniefuu]

- Hey.
- MAURA: Hi, guys.

- JOSH: Hey, guys.
- Ooh, I don't like it.

MAURA: Well, you don't
like the seeds. That's why.

You could've gotten
it without the seeds.

Oh, that's right. I don't like seeds.

- That's right.
- Well, why didn't you get the plain?

But it looks like it's got dirt on it.

It's not dirt; it's spices.

- (BURPS)
- LEN: Crank that AC, my man.

- Yeah.
- Crank that AC up.

- Full power AC.
- Did you get the street meat?

- Dude, I had a lot of street meat.
- You did?

I had a lot of street meat.

Now remember, you have to dip the bread.

You have to dip the bread
all the way into the spice

or there's no point.

Yeah, o... okay.

I have never wanted to marry bread,

but today I want to marry bread.

MAURA: You could have
got the other kind.

Moshe, Tapuz is the next stop, right?

- Yeah. Okay?
- Tapuz.

Next stop, Tapuz.

SHELLY: You've don't eat
meat on the street. What?

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

- LEN: It was like lamb.
- Everybody in?

- Yes.
- ALL: Yeah.

Okay. (SPEAKS HEBREW)

Everyone sitting? Okay.

SHELLY: Andale.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

SHELLY: Ooh, we just
passed a sign to Bethlehem.

BRYNA: Is Bethlehem
part of the West Bank?

NITZAN: Of course it is.

MAURA: Oh, don't say, "Of
course it is," like that.

It's where Jesus was
born. It's confusing.

People don't know whether
it's Christian or Arab.

NITZAN: Christians and
Arabs are not opposite.

There are lots of
Christian Arabs, you know.

MAURA: Who is this
person who lives in Tapuz?

SARAH: It's my friend's mom.

MAURA: Why are we stopping there?

SARAH: We just have
to drop something off.

NITZAN: Okay, this is Tapuz.

(NITZAN SPEAKS HEBREW)

(GUARD SPEAKS HEBREW)

Um, why are there soldiers here?

(BOTH SPEAKING HEBREW)

What's her name?

- SARAH: Hadar Shalev.
- NITZAN: Hadar Shalev.

- GUARD: Shalev.
- Number?

SARAH: Um, .

(NITZAN SPEAKS HEBREW) Okay.

BRYNA: Wow. Look at all the security.

SHELLY: Oy, such a big deal.

ALI: (SIGHS) Sarah.

Do you know that this is a settlement?

JOSH: Um, how long is this gonna take?

Oh, my God, it's gonna take,
like, five minutes, okay?

We're just dropping something off.

- God.
- SHELLY: Looks just like Park La Brea.

SARAH: Thanks.

It's... it's over there.

- Okay.
- Thank you, sir.

- Be right back.
- Thanks, guys.

All right, we got to be quick.

f*cking Ali's on a warpath.

- Thank you.
- Right over there.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Shalom.

- Shalom.
- Hadar?

(HADAR SPEAKS HEBREW)

- Ah, yes.
- (SPEAKS HEBREW)

- Wow.
- Oh, my God, you're so beautiful.

God bless you. You know,
you're taking care of Lila.

You know, she told me so much about you.

- You know, thank you.
- Really? What... what did she say?

Like, you know, you were family for her

- and I'm so happy for that, really.
- LEN AND SARAH: Oh.

- Please, come in.
- Oh, this...

We can't stay. We can't stay.

- We have a... a sweater.
- But thank you.

- Oh, sweater.
- Yeah, yeah, she...

She's still knitting.

Who will marry her?
Please, please, come.

- Oh, actually, we can't.
- We can't.

- We actually can't stay for very long.
- Please.

Well, no, we can stay for five.

- We can stay for a little. I'm sorry, yeah.
- Yay!

HADAR: I'm making lemon bars for Lila.

(GRUNTING)

BRYNA: Ugh, I got to pee.

SHELLY: Oh, God. I
haven't done my steps.

Who is this friend?
This... this... this Hagar?

JOSH: It's Hadar.

It's Hadar with a "D."

Do you remember that cartoon?

Hagar the Horrible.

- Fat guy.
- I remember Babar.

Babar the Borrible.

- That's good. Good one.
- SHELLY: You know what?

Hagar was from the Torah.

Everything here is from the Torah.

- We're in Israel.
- SHELLY: Sarah and Hagar

were both Abraham's lovers.

And Sarah was his wife and
Hagar was the handmaiden.

Sarah begat Isaac, and
he's the father of the Jews

- and Hagar begat Ishmael...
- BRYNA: Begat.

and he was the father of the Islams.

And that's why we're still fighting.

- Now, Ishmael is Moby d*ck.
- JOSH: Thank you.

Mohammed invented Islam.

- SHELLY: No. Oh, no.
- Mom, you have zero facts correct

in this whole situation.

Ay-eesh.

BRYNA: Nice breeze.

(SHELLY SIGHS, SCOFFS)

This is not how I planned to
spend my time in the Holy Land.

I'm going up there.

- I'll come with you.
- ♪
♪

Maybe they have Fresca.

SHELLY: Yeah, Fresca would be good.

- BRYNA: It would... with ice.
- (KNOCKS ON DOOR)

- Shalom.
- Shalom. I'm Sarah's mother.

- Oh, wow.
- Could we come in and tinkle?

- (HADAR SPEAKING HEBREW)
- Pish, pish.

- Pee-pee.
- (SPEAKS HEBREW)

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Hi, welcome.
- Do you have Fresca?

(SPEAKS HEBREW) Fresca?

♪ ♪

Um, I want to go.

Where do you want to go?

I just... I don't want to be here, okay?

I don't want to be on this stolen land.

Lyfe and her friends
are minutes away.

I can take a cab there. I want to go.

Do you want to get
into a Palestinian taxi?

- I've been in a Palestinian taxi, it's fine.
- JOSH: Wait.

You're... you're gonna leave?
You're gonna leave the trip?

ALI: It's not a big deal.
I'll find you guys later.

Okay. Just chill for a second, okay?

I'm gonna get these f*cking
jamochas out of here.

All right? Give me a second.

ALI: (GROANS) It's not a big deal.

You know, the West Bank is
not safe for a woman alone.

I, for one, wouldn't allow my daughter

- to go traipsing around there.
- MAURA: All right.

- It is not safe.

- All right.
- First of all,

please don't call me a woman.

I don't want to be part of
your weird f*cked-up math.

Okay? Because I have a
vag*na, I'm gonna get r*ped;

because I have a vag*na, I'm not safe.

- (SCOFFS)
- Would you tell Josh not to go in the West Bank?

- Okay, okay, okay.
- It's like when I was at the dentist

as a kid at Dr. Schulruff's,
and you'd go to the bathroom

and there would be a ruler
with a key for the girls' room,

but the boys' room didn't have a key.

Boy, this one's angry.

(SCOFFS)

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

I don't know, I just... I
don't, I don't feel right.

I don't feel good.

I understand.

I felt that way.

Agitated.

I'd be invited places.

I didn't know if I would show up,

I didn't know... if someone else.

I understand.

I just don't feel good in my body.

I don't feel...

Just, I don't feel in my body.

Do you think you're trans?

(SCOFFS) I... I...

I don't know.

I don't know that I...

feel like a woman.

Whatever that means.

- (SIGHS)
- Go.

Go.

(WHISPERS): Thank you.

HADAR: This is Lila

- when she was five-years-old, huh? Look.
- Oh, wow.

- Oh...
- Oh, she's gorgeous.

- Look, huh? It's in the park.
- So cute, adorable.

- Oh, she looks like Raggedy Ann.
- In Avdat.

SHELLY: She's prettier than
Raggedy Ann. Lips are so dry.

BRYNA: You were so
young when you had her.

Wait. I smell something
burning. What's burning?

- Oh, my God.
- Wait a minute.

- What's burning?
- The lemon things.

- Oh, my God, it's burning. It's burning.
- Oh.

- How old is she?
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I don't know. She's,
like, our age, right?

Seriously? Oh, my God.

So we could totally be,
like, Lila's parents?

SHELLY: They're all burning.

- Oh, God.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- All right. Oh, they look awful.

- Someone's at the door.
- SHELLY: We're not gonna eat them.

- It's carcinogenic! We're not gonna do it.
- (KNOCKING)

- Someone's at the door!
- Okay, just get it then.

- I'll get it.
- SHELLY: Someone's at the door!

- You have two legs, Len.
- LEN: I'm gonna get the door.

- I've seen them.
- Hey, man. Sorry.

- (SMOKE ALARM BEEPING)
- We got to go. Sarah, we got to go!

- Oh, my God!
- BRYNA: See, I told you the alarm would go off.

- LEN: We can't go right now.
- JOSH: What's going on?

It's kind of a delicate situation.

Ali is literally
walking to the West Bank

- or some sh*t. Can we go?
- (EXCITED CHATTER)

- Sarah, why are we even here?
- LEN: You're being

- very rude, dude.
- Sarah, let's go.

All right. We'll be right
there. Just give me a minute.

Let's not yell. This is someone's house.

- This is someone's house. Come here, come here.
- Okay, it's...

- f*cking mayhem in there.
- Dude, dude, dude, dude.

- Come here, come here, come here. Look.
- What the f*ck?

- It's a kind of a delicate situation, man.
- Oh.

You know what a delicate situation is,

is my sister's out there
wandering around Gaza

while you guys are in here
getting muffins from who?

- Who is this person?
- It's Lila's mom.

It was Ella's preschool teacher.

The girl from the sex addict meeting?

Apparently, she's barely a sex addict.

- And she's cool, man.
- (LAUGHING)

Oh, she's a cool person.

(ALARM CONTINUES BEEPING)

You guys are f*cking her?

(SIGHS)

You're... that's f*cked
up. That is f*cked up, man!

- Mom, we got to go. I'm sorry.
- SHELLY: We're coming.

- Give us a minute.
- JOSH: That girl's, like,

- half your age, dude.
- I... we have to go.

So lovely to meet you.

- Please lower your voice.
- What the hell is going on out here?

- JOSH: You know she's a sex addict. They both are.
- What?

- And you're taking advantage of them?
- What are you talking...

- That's f*cked up.
- Hey!

- Don't shove me.
- What are you, shoving him?

Don't shove him. I will shove him.

- Please don't do that.
- That's bullshit, man.

What are you talking about?!
I'm not a f*cking sex addict.

Don't put your ish all over me, Josh.

- What is... what is that?
- Your issues.

- You guys are...
- You have ish-oohs.

- It's her term for issues.
- You met...

at a sex addict meeting.

So? So who else was
at the meeting, Josh?

- Peakaboo, I am at the meeting.
- Who else was at the meeting?

- Shame on you!
- Ali was at the meeting. Ali was at the meeting.

- (OVERLAPPING ARGUING)
- Shame on you.

I own my sh*t. I said I'm a sex addict!

- You don't shove people.
- ... to the meeting in the first place,

- you f*ck face.
- You don't shove people in Israel.

SARAH: Really? Really?

Jesus, what is... ?
He's like... (GROANS)

Hey, shove me again, man.

- JOSH: Shut the f*ck up.
- SARAH: Len, come on.

- f*cking shove me again.
- Honey, honey, honey, stop.

- Jesus Christ.
- Is she gone?

- She went back.
- You want to know why?

- Okay, can we not do this?
- You want to know why

we're at this f*cking settlement?

- Okay, dude...
- Can we please not do this?

To exchange hugs and... and baked goods

with some mother of a person,

some child... how old is she?

- How old is she?
- Why are you doing this?

- What difference does that make?
- Please do not tell Mom

- and Moppa everything.
- Tell us what?

SARAH: Oh, my God. Okay, fine.

I will tell you. I'm
in trouble, as usual,

because Len and I are having sex

with a third person in our relationship

who is a young woman, and a...

- a wonderful woman.
- LEN: She's a wonderful woman

- who consented to everything.
- Yes. Consented, okay?

She's a wonderful,
smart, incredible woman,

and we have strong feelings.
We're in, like, NRE.

Like, new relationship
energy... that's a term

that we're... Anyway,
and I... I'm sorry,

but, you know, her mother
happened to live in Israel,

and we wanted to say hi
to her, and I didn't know

this f*cking place was
a f*cking settlement.

I thought "Tapuz" sounded
like some beautiful jewel

or something, and I was wrong.

Okay, I was wrong.

So leave me the f*ck alone.

Okay, are we good?

Let's get on the bus.

Maybe now we can see my trees?

♪ ♪

("FOOL'S GOLD" BY YAM
LO MOSCHECH PLAYING)

(GOAT BLEATING)

♪ ♪

- Hi.
- Hello.

Hey, Ali.

GIRL: Ali!

LYFE: Ali Pfefferman,

you're back. (SPEAKS HEBREW)

- Hi, handsome.
- (SPEAKS HEBREW)

HUSSEN: Sorry. I'm not
familiar with this cool guy.

Wow, Ali, amazing story.

(LAUGHTER)

I don't know if it's amazing exactly.

JANAN: You know, if my
grandfather was still alive,

he would be so happy to
see his house so full.

(SPEAKING HEBREW)

(JANAN SPEAKS HEBREW)

(CONTINUES SPEAKING HEBREW) (LAUGHTER)

- What's funny?
- I'm... I'm worried that

her grandfather might have
been a little conservative.

- Oh, and this crowd would be...
- Yes.

I see. Occupying his land.

JANAN: No, I think he
would still love it.

- Progressive grandpa.
- Oh, my God.

My grandpa. (LAUGHS)

(BUS HISSES)

(COUGHING)

NITZAN: We came on a good day.

- It's not too busy.
- Ah.

Go ahead.

- SARAH: Thank you.
- MAURA: It's very bright.

JOSH: f*ck. One of these Bedouins

- better be a chiropractor.
- Thank you.

- MAURA: Thank you.
- SHELLY: Yes. Thank you.

SARAH: Oh, this is so cute.

BRYNA: You know, I tasted one of those.

SHELLY: They're terrible, Bry.

MOSHE: Now, this was started
by a friend of mine, Benjamin.

It's a, uh, Bedouin village.

JOSH: So, these Bedouins are cool

with us just, like, crashing with them?

NITZAN: They're not real
Bedouins. Real Bedouin camp,

you don't want to visit.

Traditional Bedouins
live off camel milk.

MAURA: Wow. I've never been
more lactose intolerant.

LEN: Is camel milk kosher?

SHELLY: Do the camels bite?

MOSHE: No, but they do spit.

- BRYNA: You want to ride one?
- SHELLY: But they look so sweet.

Can we touch them?

Yeah.

Careful.

SHELLY: Hi, kids.

NITZAN: So, there's water inside.

- Thank you.
- Aren't they nice-looking?

Whoa, be careful. Be careful.

SHELLY: (STAMMERS) They bite.

- No. Easy.
- He's sweating.

- He's hot.
- Yeah.

(CAMEL GROANS)

- SHELLY: Hi. So, this is the camel ride?
- BRYNA: Yeah.

- Can this thing go any faster?
- I don't know.

- Driver?
- It's too dangerous.

SHELLY: Can we get
out of the parking lot?

- BRYNA: He's not the driver.
- He is the driver.

He's the camel driver.

- We'll pay you to leave the parking lot.
- Yeah.

- A lot.
- No?

Name your price. Maybe you could take us

to see the Tomb of the Matriarchs?

Or... or Mary Magdalene? I've always...

- Wasn't she a... a prost*tute?
- No, no, they made that up.

- Oh, they did. Okay. But she...
- Yeah. It's those apostles.

- I think she washed his feet.
- That's that song.

♪ I don't know ♪

BOTH: ♪ How to love him ♪

♪ What to do ♪

- ♪ How to move him ♪
- (CAMEL GRUNTS)

- He's singing with us.
- ♪ He's a man ♪

(BOTH LAUGH)

BOTH: ♪ He's just a man. ♪

CHILD: Ha!

♪ Ha, ah, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ah, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ah, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ah, ha ♪

(ALL LAUGHING)

My joke is not funny. Okay.

- Tell it.
- Well, let's hear it.

ALI: I usually do this with
a Russian accent, but...

- Tell your joke.
- Okay.

A grasshopper walks into a bar

and says to the bartend...

No, no, no. And the
bartender says to him,

"Ah, we have a drink named after you."

And the grasshopper says,

"Oh, really? You have
a drink named Shlomo?"

(LAUGHS)

It's funny if you've
ever had a grasshopper.

It's a drink.

(ALL LAUGHING)

- (LAUGHTER)
- Don't quit your day job, Pfefferman.

What day job?

(ALL LAUGHING)

JOSH: So, it's cool

for Ali to just be AWOL right now?

I mean, if I knew we
could get a hall pass,

I'd... I'd be clubbing in Bethlehem.

No one interested in a
traditional Bedouin dinner? Hmm?

What is a traditional Bedouin dinner?

(SCOFFS)

♪ What you believe ♪

♪ You give and receive ♪

(CHUCKLES)

What about the little tent down there,

is someone there?

No.

You know what, let's do
the greenhouse over there.

- The greenhouse?
- Yeah.

Okay.

(LAUGHS)

♪ And ask no questions why ♪

Here.

You got it.

♪ You just slip slide on by ♪

♪ You slip slide on by ♪

(MOANS)

Take it off.

No, not that.

I don't take this off.

Can I take this off?

Yeah.

Um... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Maybe not.

Or, I mean, unless you feel like
you need to touch my tits, or...

What do you want to do?

(LAUGHS)

I don't know.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

(SIGHS) Sorry.

- No problem.
- I just...

Take your time.

Okay.

It just never occurred to me
that I could not take this off.

I mean, that's literally
never occurred to me before.

And, I mean, yeah, I'd love

to try having sex without breasts.

But I don't know what that means.

How did you... um,

figure this out?

I mean, when did you

make the decision that you were gonna...

not take your binder off during sex?

Moments like this.

Just exploring.

Trial, error.

Adventure.

Yeah.

So, what's the dynamic for you?

Are... are you always...

the guy, and you're always
having sex with the girl?

I'm just a human person.

And I just want to be a body.

I can do what bodies do.

What do bodies do?

I think they sometimes do this.

Okay, but by "bodies,"
you don't mean , right?

'Cause I just got to say, I hate .

I don't like it. I don't get it.

The only reason I think it's successful

is because it has great branding.

- (LAUGHS)
- It's just because the numbers are so cute.

And if it wasn't a six and a nine,

it would have d*ed a long time ago.

I mean, it's just too much.

Who can multitask like that, right?

Actually, I'm very good at multitasking.

But, hey, we don't have to have sex.

I'm sorry.

This has just been a
really weird day for me.

f*ck.

♪ How long must we live right ♪

♪ Before we don't even have to try? ♪

♪ Note from your daughter ♪

♪ Drawing of three flowers ♪

♪ I still keep it with me ♪

♪ Does she still want to sing? ♪

♪ How long must we live right ♪

♪ Before we don't even have to try? ♪

(VOCALIZING)

(MUSIC FADES)