02x10 - Oh, Canada

[bunniefuu]

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TRAIN HORN BLASTS)

(CHEERING)

- Hello!
- Greetings!

Thank you so much. Thank you.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

JEREMY: Thanks, everybody.

Good noises.

(CHEERING)

JEREMY: Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

Welcome! And in this incredible show...

JEREMY: Richard reads a map...

James wears a hat...

And I remember how old I am.

(SIGHS) I'm 57.

- (APPLAUSE)
- Brilliant stuff.

A brilliant show. A good one.

Now, that smorgasbord

of nail-biting action is all to come,

but we start with our feet
firmly on the ground.

You see, us three agree on,
well, almost nothing, really,

but we do agree that all
medium-sized SUVs

are dreary and drab and rubbish.

Yes, but, and we were talking
about this the other day,

they are incredibly popular.

And we were arguing over
which ones we'd buy,

if we absolutely had to.

Yeah, and needless to say,
we couldn't agree.

No, it got quite heated.

It did get very heated indeed.

So we decided we should settle it

by taking The Grand Tour
this week to Canada.

No, we didn't.

JEREMY: This was
the meeting point we chose.

The Area 27 race track.

It was designed by F1 star
Jacques Villeneuve.

And it's a bit of a hidden gem.

And I'd be driving round it in this:

the new Alfa Romeo Stelvio.

There is no way in hell that
I would buy one of these

because the saloon on which it's based

is faster, cheaper, more economical

and nicer to drive,

but if I had to have an SUV...

This is what I'd choose.

At this point, May arrived

in the supercharged
V6 Range Rover Velar.

Well, you've done that wrong.

- No, I haven't.
- Mm.

Look, in the first season
of The Grand Tour,

we did a big test of three
large off-roaders.

You had a Range Rover and you went:

"You'd be mad not to have a Range Rover,

the Range Rover is literally the best."

So you can't then stand there
and say that it isn't.

What I meant when I said you'd got
it wrong, well, I meant two things.

One: you've picked the wrong one,
you should have had an Alfa,

and two: it's the wrong colour.

I saw one of those in London

the other day and it was silver,

and it's one of the best-looking
cars I've ever seen.

It is a very good-looking
car, yes, I agree.

Really good-looking.
That's just hideous.

That looks like it's got a
glovebox full of K and MDF...

What, building materials?

No, not MDF. What do I mean?
What is it? I don't know.

- DIRECTOR: MDMA.
- MDMA. Director knew that, weirdly.

Anyway, never mind that.

What that is is a Range Rover

that sits between the Evoque
and the Range Rover Sport.

I thought the Disco sat there.

No, that sits over to one side.

No, the Discovery Sport sits
between the Evoque and the...

- No, wait.
- No, the Discovery Sport...

- Hang on, you've got Evoque.
- Yes.

Discovery Sport off to one side.

- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

- Why is it?
- Because that's the serious off-roady bit, not the...

It's not serious!

JEREMY: Before we had a
chance to get to the bottom

of Land Rover's very
complicated line-up,

Richard Hammond
arrived in a Porsche Macan.

Wow, Hammond, that is modern.

Yeah, that's where you're wrong.

He's making a habit of that.

This is the new Porsche Macan
Turbo Performance Pack.

You get 40 horsepower
more than the standard Turbo,

so it makes 434 in total.

- I'm sorry, 434?
- Yeah, in there, yes.

And you managed to make it move?

- Why?
- 505!

Italian horses.

Which, let's face it,
a flock of Italian horses

could go from Shire to Shetland.

- These are German horses...
- How many torques?

- 442.
- 443.

Oh, right. One more.

Well, it's too many for a car on stilts.

- This isn't!
- It's high, that, isn't it?

What do you mean? Of course it's high!

It looks like somebody's
startled it! (SHRIEKS)

It's an SUV!

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

JEREMY: At this point,

we decided to get on with testing

the "S" part of our SUVs,
the sporty bit.

We began by sending
a BMW M3 sport saloon

round the track to get a benchmark time.

It's a really, really good race track.

"Good race track"
is like saying "fun fair",

it's just a contradiction.

James, I think most of our viewers
would disagree with you on that.

I dunno.

- Here it comes.
- Here it is, and...

Two minutes 26 seconds,

and James May will
now fail to match that

in his Range Rover Velar.

JEREMY: James was soon ready to go,

but there was a problem.

Can you hear me in the BMW?

Could we have the brown
BMW get off the track?

DIRECTOR: Saying
the key isn't in the car.

- Well, how did he do a lap?
- I don't know.

Because if it was keyless,
if somebody got out

with the key and it was running...

- No, no, cos they stop.
- No, they don't.

What?

Course they don't, cos otherwise
it'd just stop on the motorway.

What they won't do is restart.

All the while this is going on,
I'm forgetting the track.

You go down here and you go left,

and then it's a fog.

Who has the key?

Come on, one of you
has been near the BMW.

Where's the key? Have you
checked your pockets?

With the key nowhere to be found,

there was only one solution.

Ditch the health and safety
and get on with it anyway.

And he's off!

Right, compared with Pinky and Perky

I have the least power,
the least torque,

I have the least impressive
0-60 time and top speed,

but I do have the mostest
number of gears at eight,

so that's nice and confusing.

What happens here? No idea.

You know, one of the reasons why
that thing is gonna be very slow

is because of who's driving it.

Yeah, it's cause and effect.

Now in bigger Range Rovers
the power is split 50-50

between the front and rear wheels.

On this one, it's biased
more towards the back

which is, of course, very sporty.

But it will put some to the front

when you're off-road,
and you need traction, or...

Oh, God.

When I cock it up.

JEREMY: Do you know
what he did last weekend?

He took his girlfriend across London
to the Victoria and Albert Museum

to look at an exhibition of plywood.

How good was that?

JEREMY: Next up,
Richard "Lucky" Hammond.

His wife's already telephoned
him this morning,

said if he goes round the corner with
any tyre squeal, she's divorcing him.

Three, two, one. Go!

RICHARD: And we're away.

Whoa!

Minding the BMW on arriving
at this first turn.

No tyre squeal.

This is the only one of the three

that has a proper dual-clutch gearbox.

The other two are just
old-school slushmatics.

So it does change like a race car.

Ooh, did you hear that?

- Nice little sporty noise.
- JEREMY: Yeah.

There is no doubt this thing
can talk the talk.

It's got dry sump, active aero,

but it's all wrapped up
in the wrong body.

Huge amount of lean, I mean...

Scrabbling for grip.

Those squeals from the tyres
are in protest, not for joy.

Hammond breaking his record,
completing a lap without a crash.

JEREMY: Finally, it was
the turn of the Stelvio.

Three, two, one. Go!

Oh, well, that's just a flying start.

And he's hit the BMW.

The twin turbo-charged
V6 engine in this thing...

Well, it's a masterpiece,
there's no other word.

The body's made from aluminium.

The prop shaft is made
from carbon fibre.

This has all the ingredients
of a full-on racer.

And it is quick. Easily
the quickest car here.

0-60, 3.9 seconds.

Top speed, 177.

In an SUV!

In a straight line, it would
leave even the M3 for dead.

But this circuit isn't a straight line.

Which causes a few problems.

Oh, chief among which is the steering.

It's as fast as the steering
you get in the saloon car

and it is too quick
in a car of this type.

It... (BLEEP) hell!

See what I mean?

Tiniest little movement of the wheel
and it's darting all over the place.

Couple that to the wobbly
long travel suspension

and it all gets a bit haywire.

Whoa!

- That was rubbish!
- What was that?

And across the line.

JEREMY: After that fast but messy lap,

it was time to review the times.

BMW, two minutes 26.

Range Rover, three minutes two.

Porsche, 2.46, you're only 20
seconds slower than the M3.

Alfa Romeo, 2.40.

Six seconds faster
than the Porsche Turbo

which proves, conclusively,

that the most sporty of three
completely un-sporty vehicles

is the Alfa Romeo.

- Yes.
- Right.

Onwards, to the next part of our test.

JEREMY: Which was to find out
how utilitarian they are.

We're gonna do this
by seeing which one of us

can get the most amount of
dogs in the boot of our car.

- (SIGHS) Hammond, you idiot.
- What?

What are they?

If you say "dog" in Canada,
these are what you get.

- Newfoundlands!
- Hammond, they're enormous.

JAMES: They're not dogs, they're cattle.

Yep...

JAMES: Oh, they're
having sex behind you.

Oh, there's dog sex. There's
actual dog sex going on.

- Dog sex. We don't need to see this.
- Maybe we should...

In a brief break from the mating,
we got on with the test.

Up you go! Come on!
(CLICKS TONGUE) Come on!

Up! In the car! Come on, it's a
new Range Rover! Come on, dog!

Right. Erm, there's... No. No.

I've got... Up we go. In we go.

JAMES: The dog has never been in a
car and doesn't want to go in one.

Right. Sit.

Getting another dog.

(TOY SQUEAKING)

Dog beer.

Ow.

Yes! Stay.

(SIGHS)

Ahem! The Alfa Romeo, not
only the sportiest vehicle,

but, as you can see, perfectly capable

of handling a brace of dogs.

Oh.

(DOG BARKS)

Yeah, the problem is, you
know electric tailgates...

If they sense anything, they'll open.

- Yes, that's what's...
- (LAUGHING)

- So you can't actually close...
- Never gonna stay in, is it?

Oh! Biggest dog here is in.

Yeah, but you try closing,
OK, close your boot, then.

Go on, then.

You see, it won't close
cos it's electric.

All we've established, then, so far

is that these cars are
nowhere near as fast

as an ordinary car around a race track.

That you cannot put
a medium-sized dog in them

because of the electric tailgate

and you'll damage them cos they've
all got painted rear ends

and carpeted boot floors.

And that concludes another
important test. I'm sorry!

JEREMY: We then went for a short drive

to the location for our third test.

How well our cars worked as vehicles.

Now to do this, we are going to see

whether our cars
are better than a horse.

And here comes the horse now.

It's being ridden by someone
called Meinie Kampf.

- It's Maddie.
- What?

It's Maddie.

Yes, Maddie, Meinie's something
completely different.

Do you know, my Range Rover is better
than that horse in every single way.

- Ah, but is it?
- Yes, it is.

- Is it?
- Well, yes it is,

because it doesn't jig around a bit
when you're trying to get in it.

It doesn't set off on its own
at maximum speed.

It doesn't veer off to one
side to eat something

or sniff another Range Rover's arse.

Yes, good. Thing is, though,
we're trying to find out now

whether our cars are faster
than this horse in this arena.

(HORN BLARES)

This is barrel racing.

A sport for cowboy girls,

the idea is that you ride round three
barrels as fast as possible...

..while wearing Wrangler jeans.

Her time was 22.69 seconds.
That's what she did it in.

I shall now go and
b*at it in my Porsche.

Well, this is what roads look
like where Hammond lives.

All of this is like his garden.

Broken tractor, knackered old caravan...

JAMES: Rusty fence...

It's as if we've come
to Hammond's house.

RICHARD: Soon, I was in position
and preparing for the off.

Right, to do this I need Sport Plus...

Firm suspension...

No ride height...

Traction control off...

OK, in three, two, one... Go!

And we're off!

Barrel racing, so, I've gotta get round
this one first of all, on my right.

I'm already going
much faster than the horse.

Left now.

What?

- He's stuck.
- (LAUGHTER)

A four-wheel drive overload!

What?

Oh, it's gone into limp home mode!

JEREMY: This is the most
lamentable spectacle!

HAMMOND: Can I do it again?

No, don't let him do it again.

JEREMY: No, you can't have another go.

That was your time,
and it was 48.7 seconds,

which means that car, it's not
even half as good as a horse.

Next, it was May's turn in the Velar.

Three, two, one, go!

He's not lost. Actually, I
really did think he'd be lost.

- Oh, God, he's gonna b*at me.
- Come on.

HAMMOND: Oh, no! Look,
he can't find the fence.

(LAUGHING) What is he...
He can't find the fence!

What the hell is this?

Come on.

What's the time? Please tell
me he's quicker than you.

40.78.

- Would you like to jump off the back here?
- Yes.

JEREMY: Finally, it was my turn,

and I'd had a brilliant idea.

This is what those two didn't realise.

Use the handbrake, fight
the turnaround on the up.

In three, two, one, go.

There it is!

Ready for the handbrake?

Here it comes!

Oh.

He's gone to put the handbrake on,

but it's an electronic handbrake
so it just stops dead.

The electric handbrake is as
useless as the electric tailgate!

Oh, no!

No, I'm in limp home!

Service ATV system,
everything has failed!

Virtually parked.

This is it flat out.

Foot hard down, barely moving.

That looks utterly feeble.

He's still not out. And... He's out.

Damn you!

- What's the time?
- You did it...

- Yes.
- ...in...

Yes.

...45.44!

- So James May was the fastest?
- Yes.

- And then I was the second fastest?
- Yes.

And, with that test completed,

it was time for our conclusion.

We've proved that SUVs are no good

at sport or utility stuff.

And that if you want a vehicle,

you're better off with a horse.

And with that, back to the tent.

(CHEERING)

- Hang on.
- It was important work.

Thing is, we thought that
we'd finished at that point,

but Mr Willman had other ideas,

so we're gonna be
picking that up later on.

Yes, we shall.

However, now it's time to
step in a dog turd of chat

on Conversation Street.

Ow. Aargh. Ow.

JAMES: Ooh. Ow. Ow. Ooh.

- (APPLAUSE)
- It was a good day, that.

Now, I wanna stick, if I may,
for a minute or two, on SUVs

because 25 percent of all new cars

sold in Britain these days are SUVs.

And the thing is, I was
working out the other day

why so many people buy them.

And I've worked it out.

See, if you were in
a hatchback or a saloon

and you see an SUV - which is larger -
coming towards you,

you think, "If we have an accident,

"I'm gonna come off worse.

"So I'd better have one, too."

They're like nuclear weapons.

Once one person's got one,
everyone's gotta have one.

Next thing you know, Kim Jong-Un's got
one, and then it's all a disaster.

But the fact remains,
everybody has them or not,

they are really silly.

The moment we asked
that Alfa and that Porsche

to do a tiny bit of off-roading

in that horse arena,

they just panicked and gave up
and went into limp home mode.

I actually think they might have
too much electronic stuff on them.

They do. The four-wheel-drive
system's all idiotic,

and then the handbrake, that
doesn't work, and the tailgate.

I mean, how do you actually
load a dog into a car?

I dunno. I mean, you can't...

If you put your hand in
to hold the dog back,

then it's gonna detect your arm.

You'd have to go round and
hold the dog against the seat.

But then you can't close the boot.

I know. And also,
while you're walking round,

the dog's left on its own in
a boot with an open tailgate.

What you're doing is
asking a dog to stay alone

in a room that's getting smaller.

It's not gonna do it,
it's gonna run away.

There is no solution to this
that I can think of.

There is a way to do it.

You'd have to put your dog in the boot,

sh**t it with a tranquiliser dart,

so that it went out for a bit.

Well, yes, James, you could do that

or you could buy a car with
a manually closing boot lid.

Yeah, which would be cheaper,
lighter, faster and easier.

So, that's covered that. Don't
buy SUVs, they're stupid.

But we have got more on them later on.

I've got a bit of conversation.

- Is it about iambic pentameters?
- No.

- Is it about the Embraer 190?
- No.

- Is it about plywood?
- No.

- What is it about?
- It's about vans.

- Is it?
- Yes.

Because I borrowed
a transit van the other day

and the amazing thing about it is,

it's got all the equipment
you'd expect on a posh car,

including those sensing headlights
that dip automatically.

So when they see lights coming the
other way, they automatically dip,

but they also dip if they
see a reflective road sign.

Oh, I know, that's unbelievable,

cos it blinds you, cos they've dipped.

And now you can't
see where you're going,

as you approach a sign warning
you of a hazard ahead

which you then can't see.
No, they are stupid.

Here comes a really
dangerous right-hand bend.

- I'll just turn the lights off so you can't see it.
- They do do that.

But apart from that, I have to say,

the Ford Transit van long wheel-base,

is absolutely brilliant.

Much better than any SUV
and half the price.

And the amazing thing is, you can get
absolutely tonnes in the back of it.

Well, yeah, James. It's a van.
It's kinda what it's for.

The one problem with it was, I found,

is that when you load a van,
you have to get out.

You don't step out, you
sort of do a little jump...

No, I don't do a little jump. I just...

You do a little jump,
but what I didn't think of

was that I had my big parka on,

and as I jumped out,
the hood caught on the roof

and I actually hanged
myself pretty much as I...

If you actually had hung yourself,

we'd have put out a press release

saying that you'd d*ed
in an autoerotic accident.

- Yeah, we would.
- Thank you.

- Did you have an orange in your mouth?
- No, I didn't.

You would have done
in our version of events.

You'd have been wearing a fur-lined
anorak and nothing else.

When you were found by police.

Bet you wish you hadn't started
that conversation now.

Now, we get quite
a few letters asking us

why we never review
anything made by Tesla.

Mm, very simple, actually.

Many years ago, I gave
a firm but fair review

to the Roadster -
picture of that one there.

- Yep, and Tesla sued.
- Yes, they did.

And they lost. And then they
appealed and they lost that.

Which is all fine, but being sued
is a massive pain in the arse.

It keeps you awake
at night, really stressy.

So I thought I will never, ever review
another Tesla as long as I live,

I shall simply ignore them.

However, Tesla is on the brink of
becoming a mainstream manufacturer.

They reckon that
by the end of this year,

they'll be bigger than Volvo.

Mm. So I couldn't really
ignore them any more.

Which is why I decided to
test the new Model X, OK?

Because I thought this might
actually be an SUV we all like.

JEREMY: With its
bobby-dazzler back doors,

this doesn't look like
a normal family SUV,

it looks better.

Especially on the inside.

And it's more practical, too.

Because you have seating for seven,

a boot at the back that's big
enough for an owl sanctuary,

and then another boot at the front,

because, of course, it's
electric so there's no engine.

Most of all, though,
I'm intrigued by this car

because it represents a whole
new way of thinking about...

What a car actually is.

Take this enormous command and
control screen as an example.

It does all the usual stuff:

navigation, music,
connectivity and so on,

and so much more besides.

For example, if I want, I can
turn it into a sketchpad.

Then I can just draw pretty patterns

and so on as I go along.

Or, if I'm bored with being
in - where am I here? -

there you are, Swindon, which I am,

I can change it so that I become...

On Mars! Look at that,
I'm actually on Mars.

I mean, I'm not there, obviously,

but it says I am and that's fun!

Ooh, and this is a good one.

If you don't want to see the car
you're driving depicted on the screen,

you can change it so that it becomes...

(LAUGHING) Bond's Lotus.

That is actually quite funny.

Of course, you may think all of this

might be a bit of a distraction
when you're driving.

Ah, well, now, you see,
that's the thing.

Because if I pull
this lever here twice...

(BEEPS)

I get a bong to tell me
I've engaged the autopilot,

which means I'm not driving.

It is.

Seriously, it's doing it all by itself.

Legally, cars aren't allowed
to drive around by themselves

but this is getting awfully close

because it's reading
the white lines in the road

and then simply sticking between them.

Then if I want to change lanes,

I don't have to bother with any of that
mirror, signal, manoeuvre nonsense,

you just put the indicator on...

And if it's safe to pull out, it does.

Put the indicator on to pull back
into the central lane and...

(LAUGHING) That's just astonishing!

All of this means that I can drive along

writing important messages
on my sketchpad.

Because I know that if the car in
front slows down, I'll slow down.

If it speeds up, I'll speed up.

If the traffic stops, I'll stop.

Honestly, this is...

the most relaxing thing
I've ever driven.

Cos all I have to do is sit here.

Unless, of course, I can't
be bothered to do even that.

OK, the car is over there

and I literally can't be
arsed to walk to it.

So, take out my phone,
put it in summon mode,

connecting to vehicle and...

Here we go.

(BEEPING)

Look at that!

I mean, it can't extricate
itself from a parking space

or come to you from
the other side of town,

so it is only a gimmick.

But what's wrong with a gimmick?

That's brilliant!

And... Stop!

(BEEPS)

But what's it like if
you do actually drive it?

Well, because it's electric,
it's quiet, obviously.

Eerily quiet.

Stupidly quiet. Too quiet,
as they say in the movies.

It's also heavy because
of its massive battery pack.

However, because
it's mounted under the floor,

the centre of gravity is very low down.

And because you've got one electric motor
at the front running the front wheels

and one at the back
driving the back wheels...

..the car feels nimble and agile.

Feels good.

So, you're thinking it's
a fun-filled family car

with show-off doors and lots of
stuff to excite your inner child,

but that there's nothing here
for the enthusiastic motorist.

Hm...

Not so fast on that one...

Because what I'm gonna do now

is drag race this family SUV

against a mid-engine, V10-powered

600 horsepower Audi R8.

Right, before I do this

I'm going to engage what's
called "Ludicrous Mode".

There we are.
Hold on, I've got a choice.

"Do you wanna do this?"
"No, I want my Mommy."

"Yes, bring it on!" There we are.

And then, because I have the
mental age of a nine-year-old,

I'm going to use the warp speed graphic.

And there it is!

Right, good. I'm ready.

Sweet Jesus!

That really is properly ludicrous!

A hundred miles an hour!

105, 110...

112, the Audi's coming!

But not fast enough!

That is astonishing!

Small wonder this thing is fitted

with my favourite mode of
them all - celebration mode.

There we are. All I have to
do now is put it in park,

get out and lock the doors.

Watch this.

♪ MOZART: Marriage Of Figaro Overture ♪

So, this may be a two-and-a-half tonne,

seven-seater PlayStation,

but it'll do 0-60 in 3.1 seconds

and has a top speed of 155.

So it really does seem
to be all things to all men.

It's serious and light-hearted.

It's sensible and daft.

It doesn't feel like anything else.

It doesn't go like anything else.

It's fabulous.

There are, however, some drawbacks.

But before talking about those,

Mr Willman said I should
fill the remaining six seats

with a team of lawyers.

First thing I wanna talk about is range,

because Tesla say this will
do 351 miles between charges.

But, in my experience, electric
cars never do the range...

How extensive is
your experience, Jeremy?

How many electric cars have you driven?

- Two.
- Ah.

Both of them failed to do the range

that the manufacturer
said they would do.

Cos it depends on temperature,

it depends on a million
things, and anyway...

As you've said, legally we need
to make very clear, it depends.

It depends on the conditions.

Most people are not driving
like a maniac like you.

I'm not. I'm doing 34 miles an hour.

At the moment.

So that we're clear,
we completely accept

that this car can do 351 miles
between charges, don't we?

I don't know, I haven't tried it.

I think we should accept that
if that's what Tesla says

and we don't have any
evidence to the contrary.

What, you just take what a car
manufacturer says as being gospel?

Vauxhall says its cars are exciting.

I wouldn't wish to contradict
them on television

unless we had strong
evidence to the contrary.

Suggesting a claim by
the manufacturer is untrue

is not where we're going
to go today, is it?

All right, then. Batteries.

We on this show have some experience

of electrical fires in a crash.

And this has the same sort of
batteries that the Rimac had.

Yeah, that was in a crash, wasn't it?

Drove off an edge and
rolled down two hillsides.

You're saying Richard Hammond was too
small to see over the steering wheel?

I'm not saying anything,

I'm just saying that that was a crash.

What people don't understand

is that if you crash an electrical car,

and it has lithium-ion
batteries, it could catch fire.

And often, the fire brigade will turn up

and they've only got water on board,

so as you're sitting there, on fire,

you're then being electrocuted.

It's just something that's worth
bearing in mind, isn't it?

I think we should make it clear

that we're not suggesting
that these cars

have any inherent defect.

I mean, look what happened with
Samsung with their batteries.

We're not gonna start
defaming Samsung, are we?

I think the battery is a good analogy

for libel law and reviews generally,

in that it has to be balanced.

You must have the positive and
you must have the negative.

Shall we bear that in mind?

What we should bear in mind is that -
what I've just written on the screen.

I know an area we need to discuss.

I think the biggest drawback with this
car, actually, is the width of it.

It's so wide, 79 inches,

that it won't actually go
across Albert Bridge in London.

It really won't go across the bridge

or do you mean it won't go through a
width restriction, a road narrowing?

Right, so I have to say

this is too wide to fit through

the width restriction at the start,

and indeed finish, of Albert Bridge?

That's perfect.

There is, however,
one advantage to this size.

Especially in a supermarket car park

when your Model X is full of lawyers.

- It can be interpreted...
- No, no. Listen.

Mean what you say, say what
you mean, that's the law.

Just stay there, all right? Stay there.

(BEEPING)

OK. Got the phone.
Summon mode, forwards.

(BEEPING)

I'm sorry, that never
ceases to amaze me.

Little bit more, little bit more...

And... Stop!

Right, now they can't open the doors -

they're trapped -

which means they can't interfere

when I tell you this car's
really big drawback.

It's £156,000.

(APPLAUSE)

JEREMY: There is...
a lot to like on that.

- Yeah.
- There's a lot to like.

Thing is, though,

is that an SUV that we all like?

No. Not at that price.

No, 156 is silly.

I do love some of the gimmicks.

Yeah, now, on that, I have to say, you
know the summon facility it's got on it?

That didn't always work.

And then there was
the business on the motorway

where it checks for traffic coming
behind before moving lanes.

How'd you find that?

Well, I can't say.

So I got a lawyer to write this for me.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Really?

It's my honest belief
that a driverless system

does not always behave as you'd expect

and when it doesn't,
it can be discomforting.

Discomforting?

However, I acknowledge and accept

that a number of external
factors can reasonably result

in a driverless car's decision
to deactivate self-driving,

including, but not limited to,

other cars on the road
unexpectedly accelerating.

- So...
- No.

- What?
- No, just...

For the avoidance of any doubt,

these personal observations
about driverless cars

are my honest opinion

and should not be
regarded as any statement

about the general safety, roadworthiness
or mechanical effectiveness

of this specific car
or any other Tesla vehicle.

It is bloody fast, though, isn't it?

- It really was!
- Really fast!

We actually put it round the Eboladrome.

It did a 1.29.06, which is the
same as a five-litre Mustang.

- It's quick, isn't it?
- It is quick.

But anyway, we must park the Tesla now

and move on to Celebrity Face Off!

(CHEERING)

Another important question,
and it's this.

Who is the world's fastest
golfing enthusiast?

Well, to find out,
would you please welcome

Rory McIlroy and Paris Hilton!

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

JEREMY: Look at this!

That is a surprise!

Hello, chap, how are you? Have a seat.

Paris, lovely to see you, how are you?

- Great.
- Have a seat!

We're not messing around.

We are not messing around this week.

Now, you are both golf enthusiasts.

You obviously are, cos you're heavyweight
golfing champion of the world.

- Sorta need to be, yeah.
- (LAUGHTER)

You, more of a surprise,
but your family, of course,

does own 50 golf tracks, doesn't it?

Yes.

Or was it courses?
Courses, that's what it is.

Fifty golf... So you play
quite a bit of golf.

I'm not as good a golfer
as him, obviously.

As him? No, that figures.

But I have been playing since
I was around four years old.

The one area of golf I really
genuinely love are the golf carts.

Me too.

I don't think I've ever got out
of a fully functioning golf cart.

In my life, ever.

Cos I've always crashed them.

I don't know what it is
that makes you think:

"Right, I'm going to go a million."

You would like my golf cart because
I've got the restrictor taken off it

so it goes about 50 miles an hour.

- You're kidding.
- No, it does.

- That's sick.
- How much damage could I do with that?

- You could do a lot.
- (LAUGHTER)

I love the golf carts.

Actually, when I was a little girl,

my grandfather has

a Rolls Royce golf cart
and a Bentley one.

So my sister and I decided
that we wanted to race them.

So we're going around
the pond on the golf course

and going so fast,

I smashed the Rolls into this huge rock.

The entire thing was smashed,
it was totalled.

We were so scared, we just ran away.

And then later my grandpa's like,

"Where's the Rolls? I wanna
go golfing right now."

Stolen. Stolen is the answer.
That's what I always say.

Someone went and had a joyride in it.

I know one thing I wanted to
talk about is golfing slang.

- OK.
- Cos apparently

there's quite a bit of,
well, it's quite rude.

Are you familiar with this?

There's a Richard Hammond, I know that.

There's a Richard Hammond, which means

straight down the middle like a rocket,

then veers off into
the rough at the last minute.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Jamie Oliver, you really
wanna smack it but you can't.

(LAUGHTER)

I actually like Jamie Oliver,
make that quite plain.

This is not me, this is
just golfing people.

Ryanair. OK in the air but landed
miles from where you wanted it to be.

(LAUGHTER)

Right, shall we get on to cars?

Cos this is another thing
you two have in common.

Genuinely an astonishing collection
of cars that you both have.

You started, at the age
of 17, with a BMW.

Yeah, I had a 1 Series was my first car.

- Did that go well?
- Not very well, no.

I thought I was cool
having a BMW at that age,

just passed my test.

Tried to do some handbrake turns
in the golf club car park

and that didn't go so well.

Nearly actually drove it through
the front door of the golf club.

Hit a big, high kerb,
bent the steering axle

and I literally had
to drive it like this

to keep it straight for
the five miles I went home.

And I got back to my parents

and I said I had to swerve
to miss a fox and hit a kerb.

But, any girls watching, they
will have been impressed.

We've argued this many times.

When a girl sees a guy
do a handbrake turn,

it's like when a peacock
does that feather thing.

(LAUGHTER)

You say you're not interested,

but you are, aren't you?

- I think it's pretty hot.
- There you go.

First honest girl I've ever met.

So that was your 1 Series, and then you
moved up quickly, age 19, I think?

I won my first professional
golf tournament at 19

and I always thought the image
of success was a Ferrari,

so I bought a Ferrari at 19.

How the hell did you insure it?

The premium was quite high.

- Make it live for us.
- 25 grand a year.

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

You need to win a lot of golf.

Yeah, you do, yeah, yeah.

And did that kindle a love of Ferraris?

It did, yeah. And I always knew
that you've loved Ferraris

and the reason that I have the
cars that I have at the minute,

I saw you test drive
the F12 that I have.

Oh, the F12? That's a scary car.

- Yeah.
- You've got an F12 now?

That's a really, that's almost too fast.

And didn't you get a LaFerrari?

I've got a LaFerrari, yeah.

No, cos why did you go for a
LaFerrari and not a P1,

which I proved on this show was better?

I would have k*lled myself
in a P1, I think.

The P1 is nuts, but they are brilliant.

- I mean, the LaFerrari is also...
- It's incredible.

I haven't taken the LaFerrari on a track

like what we obviously did today,

and I don't know if I'd want to.

I'd be so scared
of flipping it or rolling it.

That's where it belongs, on a track.

- I know, I just... I'm scared.
- (LAUGHTER)

That's an impressive car collection.

Well, not really a collection,

but two really super-fast Ferraris.

But yours is not far behind,
cos you've got a McLaren.

Yes.

- 650, yeah?
- I love it.

I think it's just such a sexy car.

It is. And then, and
I really hate to say this,

my favourite car in the whole
wide world, you also own.

Which is slightly murderous, actually,
is the word I'm looking for.

You've got a Lexus LFA.

I actually got the second one
they ever made.

- Really?
- So I was so excited.

And just driving on the street,

no one had ever seen it before

so they looked at it
like a UFO or something.

That is definitely a head-turner.

Didn't you drive a Bentley every day?

Yes, I actually had
a Bentley custom-made

so it's all baby pink
with crystals on it.

- Oh, wow, that's...
- There you go.

It's very pink. I used
to drive it all the time,

but when I drive it, it's literally
like Mickey Mouse at Disneyland.

People are pulling over on the freeway.

- I wonder why.
- Taking selfies.

It causes, like, accidents almost,

so I try to keep it at home now.

Anyway, listen. You obviously
came to do your laps.

There's no snow this week, which is
good, but it's still quite greasy.

- It was icy.
- Yeah, it was a little greasy.

Icy and greasy, so we're not gonna
be looking for a record time today.

And you were seriously
pushing it, by all accounts.

I was. I love driving fast.

And I love when there's no cops
around to pull me over, so it's...

Exactly. Well, anybody wanna see an
outtake of Paris trying really hard?

Let's have a look.
This is the last corner,

which you've gotta slow down for.

Which we obviously never told
the poor girl, here we go.

sh*t!

That's a properly big one,
and well done.

- (APPLAUSE)
- Thanks.

You did have a problem, apparently,
with that last corner?

Because I just wanted
to go so fast at the end

and then just making that right...

You've gotta slow
right down to get round.

I thought I was gonna flip over,

I was actually really
scared at that point.

Would anybody like
to see Paris's actual lap?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Let's play the tape!

JEREMY: Yep, that's an aggressive start.

Let's go!

OK, the first S.

Ooh, beautifully done,
keeping it very tidy.

I like to brake there.

Was that left foot braking?
Probably not. That's panic braking.

Ooh, I say, that's the tail out, there.

On to the difficult bit.

And how are we gonna handle this?

First right, wide, but nicely held.

And completely off the track.

But that's OK, back on it again now.

(BLEEP) rocks!

The what-ing rocks?

Ooh, that's some
family-friendly words there.

Through the gravel cell,
still looking tidy,

not necessarily the wrong
thing to do, keeping it tidy.

Ooh, that's wild.

And now trying to get in shape,

ready to go back on the tarmac.

I bet this was slippery, too.

Ooh, no, you've done that beautifully.

And then...

Right, now, round the final left

and on to the straight flat out.

Let's do it!

Now, this isn't your
tricky bit. This is now.

You've gotta start braking...

Now.

And do you?

Oh, yeah. That's heavy, that
was probably too much braking,

but there we are, anyway,
you've made it across the line.

Nicely done.

(APPLAUSE)

Good.

Looks good.

So what do you reckon,
then, now you've seen that?

Are you feeling nervous?

- Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER)

Anyone wanna see Rory's lap?

- PARIS: Yeah!
- AUDIENCE: Yes!

Let's see if you chose the wrong sport.

Here we go.

Right, and we are underway.

Third, fourth.. Brake at the 50 board.

JEREMY: This is a man who's been listening
to the instructors, haven't you?

You can tell, that's nicely done.

Listening to the instructors
is always the key, really.

Most men think, "I can
go better than they do.

I know more than they do."

Right and... Holding it on.

Yeah, are we gonna take the Paris line?

No, we're gonna stick
on the actual track.

Ah, little bit. Don't let it
get too sideways, Rory!

Yep, that's beautifully
held through there.

Smooth power application, yep.

More of it. Should have done
this, you're in the wrong sport.

Ah, I dunno.

No, this is looking very good indeed.

Are we gonna be able to control it here?

Very nice in, keeping it to the right.

Which puts you in the right
place for that left.

You've managed to keep two tyres
on the track, so that's all right.

And off we go.

OK, come on, lift a little, turn in!

Probably not flat through there today.

It's too slippery, too icy.

RORY: Here's the corner
we were having trouble with.

JEREMY: This is the tricky
one, the last corner.

Ooh, bit of understeer
but just keeping it...

Oh, no!

Just about made it across the line!

(APPLAUSE)

Oh, yeah.

So there we are.

Right, so just so you know,

I've got some times we've had.

Fastest so far 1:17, Kevin Pietersen.

Slowest, Dynamo, last week, 1.39.3.

But the track was two feet deep in snow

so he has got an excuse.

- Oh, my goodness.
- He does.

Got your times here.

Paris Hilton...

1.25.8.

So that puts you - have
a round of applause for that.

(APPLAUSE)

You're faster than two people
you've never heard of:

Alfie Boe and Bill Bailey are both, well,
round about that sort of time, OK?

1.25.8, that's the time you've gotta
b*at on a greasy track, Rory.

One...

21...

- Ooh.
- ...point 9.

That is a very good time.

(APPLAUSE)

Very good time.

Faster than Hugh Bonneville.

- There you go.
- Faster than Hugh Bonneville, and he was on a dry track.

So that was extremely good.

- I can't thank you enough for coming, I really can't.
- Thank you for having us.

Pleasure to have you here.
Ladies and gentlemen,

Paris Hilton, and the world's fastest
golfing enthusiast, Rory McIlroy!

(CHEERING)

Now. Now.

Earlier on, we were in Canada,

where we proved that medium-sized SUVs

are useless at everything.

But Mr Willman said the tests
we'd done were idiotic.

Yeah, he said people actually
buy them to go canoeing

and hiking and mountain biking,

and he then also said
that we could only come home

once we'd completed one more challenge.

JAMES: Why are we towing speedboats?

Never mind that, James.

Why have you bought a brown speedboat?

Er, it's orange.

Never mind James's brown speed boat,

where's your Alfa Romeo?

It was stolen.

- No, it wasn't.
- It was!

I came out of the hotel this morning,
it was just gone. Literally gone.

You know Canada is number one
in the world for car theft?

No, it isn't.

So what I've done is I've replaced it

with this Ford F150 pickup truck,

which is the best-selling
vehicle, not just in Canada,

but the entire world.

Yeah, but the fact is
you've replaced your Alfa

because we were told to tow speedboats

and you can't fit a towbar to a Stelvio.

The problem is that they've
routed the exhaust

on the Stelvio in such a way

that you can't, actually, as
Hammond says, fit a towbar.

I think the thing is,

that in Italy it's unmanly and
undignified to tow something.

I mean, why would they tow something?

It just slows you down.

Soon, we arrived at the start point

for Mr Willman's challenge.

Which was precisely
in the middle of nowhere.

- JEREMY: James...
- What?

This is a skip.

No, it's just all stuff
that was thrown in.

Literally thrown in, yeah.

- It's all boat stuff.
- Is it? There's a traffic cone.

Well, that's probably
something to do with boating.

It isn't anything to do with boating!

This is an oar and a boat suit and...

- What are you doing?
- Looking for bears.

Why?

Because one of the things I don't
wanna be is eaten by a bear.

I wouldn't worry about
being eaten by one.

Well, I do.

Well, they do far worse than that.

- (MESSAGE ALERT)
- Hang on, hang on, we have a message,

and it's from Mr Willman.

"Each of your cars has been
fitted with a satellite compass

which will direct you
to the finish line.

Whoever arrives first can
claim to have the best SUV."

Well, that's me.

Well, apart from you haven't got an SUV.

It's got a twin turbo-charged V6 -

same as the Alfa.

Four-wheel drive, same as the Alfa.

It's exactly the same colour.

JEREMY: With all that
cleared up... the race began.

- Ah!
- (ENGINE STARTS)

Right, where are we now? There.

My compass thing says I've
gotta go in that direction

for 5.1 kilometres.

How hard can that be?

Come on, little Porsche, this is your
chance to show your off-road credentials.

The Porsche is the only one with a
proper four-wheel drive system for this.

It can divert all of its
power to the front wheels

so it can scrabble its way
out of trouble like a dog,

pulling itself with its front legs.

Right. Typical of those two,
just roar off being brilliant.

Let's have a look at the map first.

Might just go straight up here.

Through these nettles.

What are they, Christmas trees?
I don't know what they are.

If you really want to go off-road,

you need a real off-roader.

A Range Rover, a Land Cruiser, a Raptor.

There's no point messing
around with a little SUV.

It's not gonna go anywhere.

Speaking of which...

RICHARD: Oh, I'm stuck.

I'm going backwards now.

So I'm going west-northwest.
That's high terrain...

That's very high, I want to avoid that.
I should try to...

Come on, come on.

Four-wheel drive overload,
rear-wheel drive only.

Reduce engine load.

It doesn't work!

I need another route.

RICHARD: James, meanwhile,
had sorted out his route

and was now sorting out his car.

I'm putting my response system
in grass, gravel and snow.

It has just started snowing.

- I also have...
- (HORN BEEPS)

Who the hell is that?

It's Hammond, look,
he's got exactly nowhere.

(HORN BEEPS)

What a spanner.

Anyway.

JEREMY: With both my colleagues
still on the start line,

I was winning by miles.

This is a very narrow
little path, this one.

I don't want to be
making a mess... Oh, hello.

Right.

What that is is a fallen-down tree.

How the hell do you reverse a trailer?

So if I turn the steering
wheel this way...

This way.

Yeah, I've got it, I've got it.

This is a bit... No, not...

Oh, sh*t, no! Ooh, God!

Boat is still attached, correct.

Direction, roughly right.

Everything's excellent.

Plenty of power, this is good.

Right, arrow's pointing that way.

(RICHARD LAUGHS)

Now we're making progress.

I want to go... If I turn into the...

No, this way.

Oh, Christ, that's not right.

JEREMY: Having carefully
unhitched the trailer...

Right.

I was soon turned round
and back on the move

looking for another route.

Trailers definitely
have an intelligence.

They have a mind of their own
and it's a vindictive mind.

It wants you to fail.

JEREMY: And, thanks
to its vindictiveness,

all of my lead in this
important race was gone.

Quite ballsy of Land Rover, really,

to build a car that doesn't
have a low-ratio gearbox.

But there is a lot of
electronically-controlled stuff.

The central diff, for example,
it just locked for me then.

I can feel it working stuff out,

finding the grip on different wheels.

And it works: look at that.

My off-road work is exceptional.

How long before James May says keep
your thumbs out of the steering wheel?

It's all he knows about off-roading.

Thumbs outside the steering
wheel in case it kicks.

Mud ruts selected.

Just because it's gone a bit slippery.

JAMES: But then, I too hit a dead end.

Oh, cock.

Right, trailer reversing tip,

if I look in the mirror and I say
I want the boat to go that side,

I lift that hand.

So you look in the mirror.
So I'll do that...

(THUD)

Right, well, I am getting closer

according to my electronic compass.

This is looking good.

I've just gotta hope
they don't find this track.

To be honest, in the Raptor,
I didn't need a track.

I'm not a fan of pickup trucks

and I will k*ll you if you ever
tell Richard Hammond this,

but this is impressive.

It's just drumming its
fingers coming along here.

I mean, if I'd have asked it
to tow a battleship,

maybe it would be struggling
a bit, but a speedboat? Pah.

Yes! Well done you, little car!

Do you know, I'm gonna win this.

Oh, hang on a minute.

This thing's telling me, it must
be the other side of the lake.

I can see a flag.

There's a flag. It's there.

Clearly, it would be impossible

to drive the Macan round the shoreline.

So I needed to break out the
map and find another route.

A track, a track, a track.
There will be one.

(HORN BEEPING)

Oh... Oh, good.

JEREMY: Why've you stopped here?
Finish line's over there.

Yes, I know, I'm just
working out how to get there!

You just drive round the
outside, look, on the beach.

I can't do that.

That's cos you're in the wrong car.

- No, you're in the wrong car.
- I'm not in the wrong car!

You are!

JEREMY: Rather than have a
pointless debate about this,

I decided to let
the Raptor do the talking.

Here we go. Oh, yep.

JAMES: Meanwhile, very far back,

in a blizzard, on a hill,

the Velar's electronics, predictably,

were starting to struggle.

Right, no traction launch. Activate.

Doesn't like it.

Oh, no!

I've gotta be honest,
I'm a bit disappointed.

I'm using absolutely everything on here.

No.

Come on. There you go.

Oh! What's that big bump?

This beach is woodier than I thought.

But the speedboat is still
upright, and that's good.

And round we go.

Ooh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

No! Bloody hell!

Distance, reducing.

Hill descent control
is automatically on.

Controlling the speed with my thumb.

It's excellent at going down
hills, this Range Rover.

Not so sure about it going up them.

JEREMY: Having righted the boat with
no help from any of the film crew...

I was back on the move.

Stop just dithering about.

Ooh, God!

Found it.

This is what we need.

Proper track. It's farther from
the lake, I'll have further to go

but I can get a move on.

Now we've got a race on our hands.

JAMES: Eventually,
I arrived at the lake,

but I wasn't worried
about how far back I was

because I'd had an idea.

That message from Mr Willman,

it said the first person to get
to the finishing line, didn't it?

- Is that right, director?
- Yes.

The first person. Didn't
say anything about the car.

So why don't I just unload
the boat and boat across?

JEREMY: Meanwhile, I'd left the
difficult beach through a wood

and was on a track with a problem.

My vindictive trailer has now
decided to have a puncture.

Well, I'm going to pay it back by not
stopping cos I haven't got time.

JEREMY: I didn't even stop when the
vindictive trailer decided to be on fire.

Oh, I'm gonna lose that outboard.

(GROANS)

Boat suit.

One wheel on my wagon
and I'm still rolling along.

This is good. This is very good.

But then...

Bloody hell.

No! I'm in another dead end!

There was only one thing for it:

another manual three-point turn.

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

This steel's just so
warm and comfortable!

Whoa! Come on!

Drifting my boat.

(SIGHS) I'm 57.

No! No, no!

Come on, come on, come on.

Right.

JAMES: Meanwhile, I was
ready for the final charge.

Goodbye, losers.

Ignition, start!

(ENGINE REVS)

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

Oh, cock.

(RICHARD LAUGHS)

I'm just going as fast as I dare.

Speed... speed power.

JAMES: With the other
two heading for failure,

I got HMS Orange started

and was cruising to an easy win.

This is just brilliant.

Full throttle!

Oh, cock.

The boat is beginning to behave oddly!

There is a bit of water coming
in, but it's not very far.

Come on!

There's the flag!

Oh, really?

Los-er!

Oh, God.

- Well, hang on a minute.
- What?

Where's your boat?

- It's there.
- No, it's not.

It's just some bits of boat!

It's a boat jigsaw.

So you're finishing this race
without your car,

without your trailer or
the boat that was on it...

- I have got the boat!
- You've got some bits of boat.

- You're claiming to be the winner.
- Listen.

You've come second,
you're taking it badly.

I think it doesn't matter

because an even more interesting race

is developing out on
the water as we speak.

Handling is affected by water ingress!

It's getting closer to my kneecaps!

Oh, Canadian flag, come on!

Will he make it to the
finish point before he sinks?

- That's got some tension in it, hasn't it?
- I know!

There's no tension here, this is done.

- Oh, yeah, this is very tense.
- But we'll give you more.

You two! Help!

Come and rescue! I'm going down!

My boat's smashed to pieces, James,

I can't help you with that.

My boat's, look, it'll take me ages.
It's all the way over there!

It's going down!

I'd have to move mine out of the way...

And then I'd have to walk up
there, along those rocks...

It's gone! Oh, Jesus, ah!

It's so cold!

- JEREMY: Look, he's going...
- Argh, you bastard!

JEREMY: Have you ever seen...

Argh! My testicles are retreating!

We don't need to know that!

- (CRIES OUT)
- Oh, no!

- Ooh!
- Oh! Oh!

That hurt me just watching!

I've got a runny nose thinking of it.

My bits just shrivelled!

(APPLAUSE)

- (CHEERING)
- That was a cold, cold day.

- What could we do?
- I wouldn't want to be in that water.

- You couldn't help.
- I really wouldn't.

What that film proves is that if you
want to buy a Range Rover Velar

or a Stelvio or a Macan,

you're better off with a Ford Raptor.

Yeah, not only that, the Raptor is
actually nearly half the price.

Yes, but you can't
buy a Raptor in Britain.

And so, on that terrible disappointment,

for you lot, at least, it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching, goodbye!

(CHEERING)