05x05 - Good Grief

[bunniefuu]

DRE: No matter who you are
or where you're from,

there's one thing we all have in common.

- [Bell tolling]
- We're all going to die.

[Bird caws]

And every culture has its own way

of saying goodbye to their loved ones.

- Take the Vikings.
- [Horn blares]

They'd send their dead
out on a wooden boat,

then sh**t it with a burning arrow.

Super cool...

unless you went to summer camp
across the lake.

Greek widows wear all black
for the rest of their lives,

as if to say, "I'm never going
to stop mourning my husband,

- and I'm not mad at looking slim."
- [Camera shutters clicking]

Here's how we do it in America.

You can post one memorial on
your Instagram for likes.

You get a couple of casseroles...

hopefully not vegan.

After that, anything you put
on Facebook is just a bummer...

[Mouse clicks]

...because no matter how much you love

that person you lost...

[Sobbing]

...life goes on...

[Knock on door]

...except when it doesn't.

[Voice breaking] Andre.

[Sighs]

[Inhales sharply, sobs]

Okay. [Chuckles]

Bow!

Your mom's here!

[Sobs]

- I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
- No, it's okay.

That's why we wanted you to be
here for Dad's birthday...

so we could support you.

And we're here for you,
anything you need.

Like, if you need this to be
a mother-daughter moment,

I can go to the Clipper game.

Oh, no, it's good for you to be here.

Your pheromones are just like Paul's.

- I...
- Yep.

[Inhales deeply]

Ah. Great.

Glad me and my arm
could be here for you.

- He means it. He means it.
- Yeah.

If you can believe it, Mom,
he's been amazing.

Yeah.

It's been very unlike me.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

This is my first time back at your house

- without your father.
- I know.

It's been... It's been really hard.

It has. But he is alive in our hearts.

And you know what I've been
doing with the kids?

- Every week, we have been making...
- Mm-hmm.

...the famous Pasta a la Paul together.

And I even taught them how to say,

- "That's a-spicy meat-a-ball!"
- "Spicy meat-a-ball!"

Unh, unh, unh, unh, unh.

All the rigatoni in the world
ain't gonna help you.

You need to grieve the right way.

- Yes, Ruby.
- Uh-huh.

- We all know how you grieve.
- Mm-hmm.

[Shouts] All right, it's go time.

Mama, it's not that kind of funeral!

Yeah, well, every funeral
is that kind of funeral!

- Oh, no!
- Aah!

- [Thuds]
- [Crowd murmurs]

Mama, that was your mechanic.

- Was it?
- Yeah.

Hm. I haven't thought about him since.

Anyway, that's the way you grieve.

That's the way you move on.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Ruby, thanks.

Is she right?

Does she seem right?

What you need to do
is go upstairs and relax.

And then, tomorrow, all of us together,

we're gonna make Pasta a la Paul.

- That sounds lovely.
- Yeah.

Dre, you don't mind if
I lie down in your bed,

- do you?
- Uh, of course not.

You know, anything you need.

You know, just...

just stay on the right side of the bed,

on top of the covers.

I can't believe it.
I feel so bad for her.

Dre, she... she spent every minute...

- Mm...
- with my dad, and...

and now she's got to sleep
in that king-sized hammock

all by herself?

Wow.

God, I'm so... I'm so lucky

I have work, the kids, and you
to keep me strong.

Aww, babe.

I keep you strong?

Eh, well...

It's just what you say.

Yeah.

♪

Oh, guys, guess what.

I forgot. I have three tickets
to an MMA fight.

- Seriously?
- That's awesome!

Well, one's for me,
and one's for my Nana Jean,

so technically, I only have one ticket.

Wow. Sounds like you kids
have a conundrum.

Dude, were you just waiting
in the hallway?

I'm supervising.

One foot on the floor...

90 degrees, open the door.

You feel me, Chief?

Good.

Anyways... who wants to go?

- Ooh, me!
- Me, obviously!

Sorry you'll have to miss it, Diane.

I'm not missing it. You're missing it.

You don't even know anything about MMA.

That is not true. I love...

Mixed Man Action.

Mm-hmm. See what I'm saying?

Diane it is.

Meet me at my house at 5:00 on Saturday.

Okay.

Jack, if I get
"Yo Gabba Gabba!" tickets,

- I'll call you.
- [Chuckles]

[Sighs] Here you go.

And, uh... Ohh, what's wrong, Dre?

Ah, don't tell me.

You finally got the bill
for all your man jewelry?

No.

Bow's mother is staying with us
for the first time

since Bow's father d*ed,
and she is really depressed.

I don't want to sound insensitive,

but I hate her.

Bow's dad is the white parent, right?

- Yeah.
- Dear God, Dre!

She has suffered a terrible loss.

We all have.

Every time a white man dies,

we move one step closer
to a majority-minority America.

Grief is devastating.

I was torn apart when my mother d*ed.

- Mnh.
- So young and vibrant.

123 years just... just isn't enough.

Yeah. Death is hardest
for the people left behind.

I don't want any of you guys
to be sad after I die.

- Don't worry.
- We're good.

I don't know your last name.

Stop. I know you guys
are just messing with me.

Seriously, we're not.

Is it Manzoukis?

Ha, ha.

So, to help you guys get through it,

I have created
an elaborate scavenger hunt

that will lead you to
a secret location only I know.

The first one there
will win a hidden treasure,

if you manage to find it.

It's taped to the bottom
of this table, isn't it?

No.

[Tape peels]

Oh, yes, it is.

Look, Josh actually makes a good point

in a sad and pathetic way.

It is important to have a plan.

I knew a guy who wanted a mausoleum

as his final resting spot,

but his son buried him
in an unmarked grave

in a potter's field

just to keep all that extra money.

That's awful.

Eh. On the bright side, I got
to keep all that extra money.

So, Dre, uh, what does your dad
think you're gonna do?

You know, I don't know what Pops wants.

We've never really talked about it.

I don't care what you do when I'm dead.

I'll be dead.

- Really?
- Yeah.

All you need is a pine box and a shovel.

Matter of fact, you don't even
need the pine box.

Come on, Pops.

I'm trying to talk to you
about something real here.

Mm-hmm.

[Tapping on table] Fine.

I won't even bury you.

I'll put you out on the curb
next to the Christmas tree.

Or you could feed me to that weird dog

you insisted on getting.

[Dog panting]

Or I could send your body to UCLA

and have them study your liver.

Or you could throw me off a boat

like they allegedly did O*ama b*n L*den.

Or I could put you
in Junior's bed and say,

"What did you do?!"

- I think you got a handle on it.
- [Laughs]

Look, I keep $45
in a coffee can back there.

If you need more money than
that, you're doing it wrong.

Ah, well, $45 is more than I expected

to get from you, anyway.

[Chuckles]

Got him.

♪ I'm leaning on the everlasting arms ♪

That's it, baby! Come here!

- [Laughs]
- You're doing great!

What's happening?

- Yeah.
- Huh?

I was feeling blue,
and Ruby came to sit with me.

Sure did. Stick around.

We're about to move on to the wailing

- and the gnashing of teeth.
- Okay.

I haven't sung that song
since I was a little girl

and went to church with my grandma.

Aww. You must've been so cute
when you were black.

- Ruby.
- Huh?

Would you mind excusing us
for just... just a moment?

Well, fine, yeah.

If you want to rend your garments,

- you know where I'll be.
- Oh, yes.

Thank you so much.

Mom...

what's going on?

You're singing hymns
from Western religions

and praying to gods with only two arms.

You're sitting with Ruby.

I'm worried about you.

[Voice breaking] I know. I'm struggling.

- I know. It's really hard.
- [Sighs heavily, sniffles]

But you always taught me
to believe that...

our loved ones
don't really ever leave us.

That's what's gotten me through.

I'm glad, but I can't live
by that right now,

especially with your
father's birthday coming.

I know.

We used to do so many
fun things to celebrate.

♪

You know what?

We still can.

Okay, everybody,

we are going to throw
a giant birthday party

for my dad.

- What?
- Yeah.

Level with me.

Will there be ghosts other
than Grandpa at this party?

Because if I see him dancing
with Nancy Reagan,

I'm gonna lose it.

Uhh... Oh, my God.

So, why are we throwing
a birthday party for Grandpa?

It's the perfect way for my mom
to celebrate his life.

You guys know how my dad
loved Hawaii, right?

Well, I was thinking
we would throw him a luau.

A luau?

Don't worry.

It's not gonna be what you think.

Well, I'm thinking a pig
on a spit in my backyard

and a g*ng of your parents'
weird white friends.

Well, then it's going to be
exactly what you think.

Sorry, Mom. This just
doesn't make any sense.

Okay, Jack, you say the same thing

about getting out of the pool to pee.

The house is too far.

So, are, um,

Grandma and Grandpa's nudist
friends gonna be there?

- I-I...
- 'Cause I am not sure

I am prepared to see

how time ravages the body.

- Good question.
- Gross.

Hard pass.

Okay, we are going to get behind this

for Grandma, okay?

Saturday night is gonna be fun.

- Saturday?
- Yeah.

[Devante coos]

I just think a Sunday party
would be more fun, right?

- What...
- "Sunday Funday"!

That rhymes. It works.

"Saturday Funday"? What are we doing?

We are doing the party on Saturday.

Do not argue with your mother.

A naked Sunday luau party
for a dead man sounds crazy.

That's me getting behind you, all right?

Keeping you strong.

♪

So, I guess there's no MMA for you.

Bad break, Diane.

You're probably gonna miss a bad break.

No. I am going to that fight.

And you guys are gonna cover
for me so Mom never finds out.

No way.

I mean, Mom is going through
a lot right now.

If we make her upset,
she could become untethered,

like Meryl Streep in a comedy.

For once in your life,
can you stop being her son

and start being my brother?

Ah. So, I'm supposed to choose,

like Meryl Streep in a drama.

This is your only chance to have
a sister who loves you.

- What about Zoey?
- Come on.

Don't act like you don't know
the answer to that.

Okay.

So, if I help you,
will you call me "big bro"?

I won't commit to anything.

Sounds like we have a deal.

[Hawaiian music plays]

[Sighs]

[Light laughter,
indistinct conversations]

Aloha.

And aloha to you.

- And... Oh, sir, aloha.
- [Chuckles]

Oh, arigato.

No. You're supposed to say "mahalo."

Oh. I-I'm not leaving.

[Laughs]

Look at this. Look at all this.

- Yes.
- Come on. Look what I did.

- Aww.
- Ahh.

My dad's favorite things everywhere.

Hey. I got to give it to you, babe.

- You did a really good job.
- Thank you.

And the amount that I don't like this

means your dad would be very happy.

[Laughter]

- Look, look, look, look, look.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, my mom is laughing.

My mom is laughing and smiling.

That is exactly what I wanted.

- I did it.
- Oh, okay.

Aloha.

- Oh, aloha, cousin Gary!
- I brought beer.

My favorite.

- Because everybody else brought crystals.
- [Chuckles]

- Aunt Alicia.
- Oh, my.

Hey, I wanted you to have
this picture of me and Paul

- at the Grand Canyon.
- Aww!

RAINBOW: Look at you and Dad's finger.

- ALICIA: That's my Paul's trademark.
- I know.

Hey, Gary. Come here, man.

You should get one of these shirts.

Be careful of the top pocket.

It's like Snoop Dogg's pajama top.

Okay.

That one is from Tahiti.
This one is from Maui.

Every shirt tells a story.

Oh, well, this one tells the story

that natural deodorant is a lie.

Shall we?

- [Laughs]
- He's being a smart aleck.

That shirt's stinky, Mom. [Chuckles]

Oh, hey. Ohh!

You guys look so handsome.

And aloha to you.

- Aloha.
- Oh, and aloha to you.

- JACK: Aloha.
- Where's Diane?

Uh... Diane.

Um...

- She's in the bathroom.
- Oh, okay, cool.

Will you give her that?

- Yep.
- Thank you very much. Aloha.

Dude, that was brilliant.

How did you think of that?

I mean, I had nothing.

Got you.

Wow.

[Mid-tempo music playing]

[Indistinct conversations]

RAINBOW: Hey! Hi!

Good to see you!

Oh, this is over for you people.

Hmph.

Don't let all this fool you,
old man, all right?

We are definitely not throwing
you a party when you go.

Oh, I hope not. Hmm.

Six months after I'm gone,

I shouldn't even come up
in conversation...

...unless it's amongst my,
uh, grieving tenderonis.

Oh, yeah.

There's gonna be
a whole lot of wig snatching

when they find out
they're not the only one.

- Mm, that reminds me.
- Hmm?

My phone's contact list alone
could ruin many lives, son.

If you love me,

throw it in the microwave.

Mm-hmm. Got you, Pops.

Aah! Look at Mom!

Look at Mom dancing
and having such a good time.

Hi!

Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.

Look at all this carrying on.

It's blasphemous.

- Come on, Ruby.
- Mnh-mnh.

It's like you're daring this white man

to come back and haunt us all.

- Okay, Mama...
- Hmm?

...that's crazy. But true.

[Chuckles]

- But crazy.
- But true.

- [Groans]
- No.

Devil, come out.

POPS: Hey, hey.
What's wrong with these people?

Why are they dancing in groups
instead of couples?

- Huh.
- They're polyamorous.

- Who am I to judge these people?
- Don't judge them.

♪

So, let's raise a glass to
Grandpa Paul from all of us.

From Zoey, who couldn't be here,

and Jack, who is right here,

and Diane, who...

who, uh...

Who has a leg cramp and is out front

walking it off right now.

To Grandpa Paul.

ALL: Grandpa Paul.

- All right.
- So good.

This party is more incredible

than I could ever have imagined.

- Thank you, honey. You...
- Ohh, Mom!

- Thank you. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

This is what I wanted.
I wanted you happy.

It's just... It's beautiful.

- Okay.
- Well, here's our mom.

- Thank you. You guys were amazing.
- Thank you.

Beautiful, very handsome young men.

Uh, aloha, everybody.

ALL: Aloha!

So, I thought I would just share
a little story about my dad,

um, that will probably explain
the giant popcorn maker.

[Chuckles]

My dad loved popcorn.

He loved all different kinds of popcorn.

My dad especially loved
movie-theater popcorn.

[Chuckles] So, we would go to
the movies whenever he could.

As an excuse, he would take me
to any movie that came out.

So we went to "Airplane!"

uh, "Stir Crazy," and then "Caddyshack."

And then I loved it so much
that I begged him

to take me back
to see "Caddyshack," right,

and we went every night
for an entire month.

[Laughing] Every night
just 'cause it made me happy.

Oh! Anyway, so, every time I go
home, we watch it together.

So... Oh.

Oh, God.

[Voice breaking] Well, we... we did.

We did watch it together
every time I would go home.

Anyway, so now, I've been
watching it with the kids.

And we do... And we do all of
our favorite lines together,

like, you know, back and forth,

'cause it makes me feel like
he's... he's here with us.

[Whimpers]

I'm so sorry.

This was supposed to be a happy...

I just...

He's gone.

He's gone.

Never gonna be do...

able to do any of those things
with him again.

So, anyway, I'm sorry.

- Oh!
- [Microphone feedback]

[Whimpers]

♪

Pops, are you crying?

[Crying] No.

Oh, damn. Yeah, I am.

All right, I'll be back, Pops.

The whole point of this night
was to cheer you up.

I totally failed.

Honey, everything about tonight

- was incredible.
- Was it?

It's like your father was everywhere!

I even found a memento in my pocket.

Did you?

I remember, when we were in Morocco,

- your father stepped on this...
- Oh.

...barefoot.

He was not a shoe guy.

- We got asked to leave many restaurants.
- [Laughs]

It all just snuck up on me, Mom.

Yeah, you've been working
so hard to keep him alive,

you haven't totally faced the fact

that he's not with us anymore.

Nope.

Just let go of the pressure to be strong

and make a space to feel it.

Ruby was right.

- [Gasps]
- No.

You can never tell her.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey.

You, uh...

You want to talk about
what happened out there?

Wasn't planning on it.

I get it.

We're Johnson men.

That's not our way.

We're stoic.

Yeah, suffer in silence.

You're doing a lot of talking
for somebody whose way it isn't.

Hey, Pops, I'm just saying,

I get why you don't want
to talk about death.

Death is scary,

and talking about it makes it real.

I know it's real, dummy. It's death.

Look, seeing Bow
standing up there crying

made me realize that my death
isn't going to be about me.

It's going to be about you.

You're going to be the one
standing up there crying.

And if you want to know
what my wishes are

so that you can move on, I'd
like to give that to you, son.

Thanks, Pops.

First, I want to be buried
right here in L.A.

That way, you can come visit
and we can have a drink

and you can keep me up on
all the family business.

Sounds good.

For my funeral,
all this backyard business

may be good enough for Tommy Bahama.

For me, you rent a hall...

and a place that's just
a little too small

so not everybody can get in.

You hear me?

You got it.

- Whatever you do...
- Mm-hmm?

...do not bury me next to your mother.

And if I die first,
you don't tell her I'm dead

until after you bury me,

'cause I think she might want
to do bad things to my body.

[Inhales sharply]

I could see that.

- Ruby.
- Yes?

Thank you so much for
everything you did for me.

You're welcome.

I'm glad I could save the day.

No, I... I actually saved the day.

It w... It was the party
and all the stories

that helped my mom.

Yeah, but you only felt better

after you ugly-cried through that party

the way the Lord would have wanted.

Yes, uh...

- You win.
- Damn straight I did.

[Scoffs]

You made faces I'll never forget,

looking like the mask of comedy
and tragedy at the same time.

Hey. Come on, Alicia.

Let's go get my keyboard out and sing.

"Jesus Keep Me Near The Cross"

has been burning in my throat all day.

Come on. Let's go get it out.

Ruby, it's a kind offer,
but I don't pray to Jesus.

- I pray to Hafez...
- Oh.

- ...the Sufi poet and mystic.
- That's right.

Come for me, bitch.

So, this fighter Saji
dropped a vertical elbow

on Maserati Doug's scalp. A-bam!

Blood everywhere, stained the mat.

Wow. Wow.

That sounds like something
I'm definitely ready to see.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm. Right.

So, how was the covering for me?

Um...

Uh, we...

I didn't know what to say.

Junior was great,
totally handled everything.

- [Sighs]
- Well, that is awesome.

You're the best big bro ever.

Thank you.

[Sighs]

Oh, and I brought you guys some gifts.

- Are those teeth?
- Mm-hmm.

I caught them when
they bounced out the cage.

Cool!

- They're still warm!
- [Gags]