05x07 - Friends Without Benefits

[bunniefuu]

My wife has a very full life.

She has an incredible career...

Don't worry. Once the epidural kicks in,

you're not gonna feel a thing.

But this gonna feel like me
sh**ting fire into your spine.

She has a g*ng of beautiful kids

that she somehow keeps track of.

Have a good day!

And, Diane, don't steal!

Wanna go to Costco

and eat up all the free samples?

Sure.

But isn't that stealing?

No.

But Bow's busy life has no time
for one important thing...

a social life.

So, it caught me off guard

when she came home and said this...

Dre...

I made a friend!

I made a friend!

Her name is Angela,

and she's amazing!

She just got transferred
into my hospital,

and we met in the cutest way.

It was so us.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Excuse me, nurse, could you help me?

I'm sorry. She's actually not a nurse.

She is a doctor.

Yeah. You see her little badge there?

It says M.D.

Oh, well, then, uh,
could you help me, then, nurse?

I, too, am a doctor.

See? M.D.

- Never mind. I'm just gonna leave.
- Okay.

Sexist piece of garbage.

I mean, thank you.

I get mistaken for being a nurse
all the time.

Time's up!

But, like, literally,

his time is up 'cause I saw his file.

He did not look great.

Yeah, we probably should've
helped him, but whatever.

Well, I'm the new cardiac surgeon.

- Are you?
- Dr. Angela Harris, M.D.

Oh, my God. You like telling people

that you're a doctor twice, too, huh?

I have worked too hard not to.

Okay, this is embarrassing,

- but I can't find my office.
- Oh, yeah.

It's 1139, but there's no 11th floor.

- You are on the 9th floor.
- Uh-huh.

We number our offices backwards

so the psych patients can't find you.

Oh, I get it.

Well, thank God I found you, then.

So, where you from?

Chicago. I'm running from my husband.

And tomorrow night, we are gonna hang.

I am gonna have a martini
on a school night.

We're supposed to watch
"Westworld" tomorrow night...

- Oh...
- and play that game,

guess who's a robot and guess who's not.

She's texting me. Oh, my God.

Dre, she's on a date,
and she's thinking of me.

Oh, you know what, Bow?

I think you have a girl crush.

Pfft!

No, I don't.

You do, babe, a-and I think it's cute,

but, hey, slow your roll.

Dre, my roll is pretty slow, okay?

Oh, my God. She's texting me
from the movie!

She's so bad!

I bet you she has her screen
on full bright.

She don't care.

Girl, you better care.
You're gonna get kicked out!

When you don't have friends,
you don't know how to act.

What did you do to our room?

Oh.

I am trying to give it
more of a collegiate vibe,

you know what I mean?

Even though I'm taking a gap year,

that doesn't mean that
I can't live in a frat house.

I think it does.

Okay, my point is that we do not belong

in a boys' room, okay?

We belong in a men's room.

Yes.

We should put a urinal in here.

I wonder what other stuff
would look cool.

Let me look up "Men's room junk."

Oh, don't do that!

No! No.

What is happening in here?

And why does this look like a place

where I can get
jalapeño poppers and Hep C?

Um, Junior made us a frat house.

Okay, cool.

I'm into hazing.

Oh, sorry, Diane.

This is, you know...
it's more of a brother thing.

And I don't mean Black guys,
and I do not mean siblings,

even though we are both of those things.

So...

So... can you close the door
on your way out?

You're joking, right?

Okay.

No problem.

I don't need to hang out
at T.G.I. Losers anyway.

Thanks for understanding.

What? I get cold when I sleep here.

Oh, good morning, Dre.

Oh, don't start with me, Josh.

Ooh, what's the matter, Dre?

Did you find out that your mom
is claiming your kids

- on her tax return?
- No.

Bow kept me up all night
talking to her new "bestie."

Angela?

The sexy doctor
whose ex-husband stole her car

when she was on a date
with her new boyfriend

who's half-Black, half-Vietnamese,

and all hunk Angela?

Yes, Charlie.

How do you know that?

Oh... I follow Bow on social media.

Closely.

Very closely.

Too close?

Nah.

You know what?
I don't know about this Angela.

Bow just met her a minute ago,
and now it's 24/7.

And she's a lot.

Do not apologize for crying, sweetheart.

You replaced a man's heart valve,

and then he broke up with you.

You know what?

We are having your
birthday party at my house.

Yes, ma'am.

Of cour... No, it's fine.

It's my pleasure. Are you kidding me?

And now we're throwing this
"Roaring Twenties" theme party

for a woman I don't even know.

You know, why can't Bow
pick better friends,

someone who's less of a mess?

This Angela,

she sounds like a broken bird.

Broken bird?

You know, a-a helpless creature

who needs a caretaker.

Does Bow take on a lot of those?

Now that I think of it,

- she does.
- Uh-huh.

Any of them single with low self-esteem?

Not that low.

You know, I get it.

Bow's a doctor, you know?

And every time somebody's
choking in a restaurant,

she has to do something.

I mean, it ain't my fault
the dude can't eat small bites.

Now I got to sit up here
and eat cold soup?

Classic broken bird syndrome.

You know what?

These women keep bringing Bow down.

I have to find a way
to nip this in the bud.

I, too, suffer
from broken bird syndrome.

Anytime I see a pigeon,

I break him down mentally
by saying "Hey, sky-rat.

You ain't [bleep].

And you ain't never gonna be [bleep]."

And then I'm exhausted
because there's just

so many sky-rats in the city.

Hey.

Did you hear those two dum-dums

are starting a fraternity
with only two members?

Not that I care.

I'm not a third wheel.

- That's Mom's job.
- Ooh.

When will she take the hint
and just move out?

All right, listen.

Don't you worry about those boys.

Grandma's gonna take care of you, okay?

And we're gonna have fun.

I'm making casseroles for shut-ins.

Peaches and tuna?

Oh, my God, what is that smell?

You two smell ripe.

Oh, that's our new cologne.

What's it called, "Asparagus Urine"?

Ooh, nice burn, Grandma.

Do they smell ripe to you?

Oh.

Smells like someone
threw a dog bed in a pizza oven.

What's happening?

Nothing. We think you're cool.

People would k*ll
to have a body of a pool noodle.

Was that a sh*t at you or me?

I don't know. I mean,
we're both pretty noodle-y, so...

Man, they are like
sn*pers sh**ting k*ll sh*ts

through our self-esteem.

Oh, the sn*per Sisters.
I like the sound of that.

Okay, I'm scared.

I definitely picked the wrong day
to start wearing rings.

Come on. It's not safe here.

You fell off a cruise ship?

- Yep.
- Ooh!

- But I survived.
- Mm.

And I get free
Carnival cruises for life.

We should go on one.

- Huh. Why not?
- Mm.

I mean, what are the chances

of you falling off a cruise ship twice?

Yeah, that's higher than you think.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Hey, babe. I got us... some snacks.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey. Thanks.

Hey, Dre.

Angela, nice to meet you.

- Uh-huh.
- And your feet.

- On my couch.
- Oh.

Dre, why don't you join us?

We were just talking
about going on a vacation.

"We"?

- Yeah.
- Including me?

Ha! No.

- Oh.
- Girl.

A girls' trip!

Okay.

Oh.

- Oh...
- These chips are good.

- ...this is my ex.
- Oh, my God. No way.

Do you have a place
where I can yell in private?

Of course, yes.

Go out on the patio right out there.

That's where I always yell about Ruby.

Ugh, Ruby.

- I know, right?
- That woman.

- Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.
- Excuse me?

When is she gonna get the hint
and move out?

Tell her, "Bye, girl."

- Bye, girl!
- Bye!

Isn't she fun?

Bow, she was talking about my mama.

And there's a lot to talk about.

- Well, let's talk about this.
- Mm-hmm.

Why were her nasty-ass feet on my couch?

I don't need to know
that she has a bunion.

She does not care,

and that is what I love about her.

No, what you love is that
she's a broken bird, hmm?

And you collect them.

What are you talking about?

Bow!

That's your thing.

I... Remember Jade?

Jade was fun!

Thanks for letting me crash here.

I hope you don't mind...

I brought my emotional support rat.

And let's not forget about Tiffany.

I told them I know you,
so this nose job is free, right?

And Doris.

Thanks for bringing this package
back from Mexico for me.

You didn't open it, did you?

I get it. All of those women had issues,

Dre, but Angela's different.

She's accomplished.

She's smart.

She's a doctor.

Those are my deck chairs.

Don't you put it on eBay!

We don't know the context, Dre.

But do we need to know?

Sorry.

I got to go. My ex is up
to his old tricks again,

- and now I got to kidnap a dog.
- What?

You know, I would've
wore jeans if I knew

I was gonna have to
crawl through a window.

- Okay, you see that?
- Yeah, okay.

Mm.

Broken bird.

Yeah, I see that now.

My bad! I let your dog out!

I can't believe it.

- I really liked her.
- Mm.

She got me.

And she came to hating Ruby on her own.

It is not every day that
you find a woman like that.

The barefoot wine bandit?

Why do I keep attracting broken birds?

What's wrong with me?

Babe, don't blame yourself.

- I blame myself.
- No.

People are drawn to you because you...

are irresistible.

- It's very kind, sweetie.
- That's the truth.

You're like the princess

in that fairy tale with all the birds.

The thing about these birds,

instead of helping you
with your ball gown,

they want you to help them
get their cars out of impound.

Thanks for the package.

My tiny heart is gonna explode.

Whoo! Whoo!

I'll fix you, little birds.

I'll fix you most of all.

If you put wine in a Del Taco cup,

you can go pretty much anywhere.

I have to end this.

Well, just ghost her, then.

I can't ghost her, Dre.

- I-I work with her.
- Yes, you can.

You know how many people
I've ghosted that I work with?

Did you get the baby gift?

Hello?

Can you please just tell me why?

- I'm not ghosting her, Dre!
- Okay.

She and I have drinks
planned for tomorrow night.

So, I am just gonna...
I'm gonna sit her down

and calmly explain

that this is a love that cannot be.

So, listen, we need to talk.

Uh-oh.

See, every time
a guy talks to me like that,

it means he's gonna break up with me.

Oh, God.

You know, sometimes,

breaking up is fine.

It's like... like a growth opportunity.

That's true, because when I left

my third ex-husband,

see, he thought that
he was gonna get over me,

but it turns out he's an idiot...

Did you break up with her yet?

I'm trying, but I can't get a word in.

Just ditch her, bounce,
and get out of there.

And bring me home some truffle fries.

Uh, am I boring you?

What? Oh, God.

Oh, no. No, I'm sorry.

It's just it's... Blah.

It's so late.

You know what I mean?

What time is it?
It's, like... Oh, my God.

It's 6:30.

Wow.

- Okay.
- How about that?

White shirt behind you.

Over your shoulder. Take a look.

Okay.

Oh, goodness. Yeah.

I like the way he chews his food.

Sexy chew.

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

You know what?

You should go over there
and talk to him.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

- You think?
- Yes, go.

- Okay. Yeah, go.
- Okay.

All right, well, come on.

- Be my wing-woman.
- Oh, yes.

Absolutely. I'm right behind you.

- Go, go, go.
- All right.

Go. Okay.

Hey, what are you doing over there?

What?

Are you bailing on me?

What?

No! No.

Can you just stamp this?

I've been here for less than an hour.

Uh... sorry.

- Bow.
- Huh? Yeah.

What's going on with you?

What are you talking about?

Why are you being so weird?

I'm... trying to...

break up with you.

By walking out of a bar
while my back is turned?

To be fair,

you were not supposed to see me.

Last night with all the yelling
and the dog-napping,

it's, like, a lot of drama.

You know, I don't know if I'm up
for being that kind of friend.

You know what I mean?

A friend that... that fixes everything.

Oh, my God.

Bow, no.

- I'm not asking you to come rescue me.
- Hmm?

I was just telling you
what was going on in my life

because, I mean, come on,
it's ridiculous.

- Wait, really?
- Yeah.

So you don't need me
to fix anything for you?

I know how to handle my business.

I have three phones
and two passports for a reason.

You have what?

No! I just...

I like you because you're fun, Bow.

- Oh, you're fun, Angela.
- Yeah!

Just the thought is so nice
to not be needed for a change.

I just have so many kids and in-laws

and, like, patients
I'm not trying to k*ll.

I know. It's a lot of pressure.

This has been so great, though.

Hasn't it?

Can we go for drinks once a week?

Cheers to that.

Oh! But hol... can we go at 4:00?

Can we start at 4:00?

- Yeah.
- 'Cause I get tired.

Oh, God. Hold on a second.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Five missed calls.

- I'm sorry. Give me one second.
- Sure.

Hey. Dre, is everything okay?

Where are you?

Hey, I hope you ordered the fries

after you dumped her, all right?

Because they do not travel well.

- Dre...
- Come on home!

Our show's on.

And bring two orders of fries

because I am not sharing.

Hey! How did the dumping go?

I did not dump her.

Hm.

Angela is as great as I thought she was.

Hm?

Turns out, she is not the broken bird.

You are.

- What?
- Mm.

I am not.

Dre, you're clingy. You're needy.

And you don't let me
get a minute to myself.

No! No! Get away from her!

She's mine!

"Westworld"! Truffle fries!

Me, me, me!!

I don't see it.

Just like I don't see my truffle fries.

That's because I ate your truffle fries.

- What?
- Good night.

And if I hear another word about this,

I am going to buy a Tesla
and light it on fire.

- Hey.
- Put that plate away.

It's ridiculous.

This is crazy!

We're hungry.

We shouldn't be afraid
to go to the kitchen.

But it's their turf.

I mean, with your bird chest
and my weird Shaq toe,

we're walking target practice.

You're right.

We should see if the coast is clear.

Top shelf.

That's where I keep my hall Taser.

- Uh-huh.
- Okay.

Hey, look.

It's the Not-So-Fresh Princes.

Well, what's up, Kid 'n Played Out?

Now we're really trapped.

Dude, what... what are we gonna eat?

What... What if we need to pee?

We should've stuck to that urinal plan!

Dude, we didn't have the piping!

- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.

I mean, Diane on her own
is a landmine in a field,

but paired with Grandma,
it's all mines and no field.

We need to defuse Diane.

All right.

- For the frat.
- Yeah.

Gonna have to k*ll Diane.

What? No, no.

Dude, we just need to get Diane
back on our side.

Oh, okay. That's...
That's way better. Okay.

♪ Doo, doo ♪

Oh!

- Hey, sunshine.
- Ooh, please stop screaming.

Head full of wine.

Okay. Well, hey, look at this.

I made you my little hangover remedy.

It's coffee, eggs, and...

...expired Advil.

- You're a bad person.
- Yeah.

- Baby.
- Yeah?

I heard what you said last night.

- Did you?
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm?
- And I have been selfish.

Okay, I must still be drunk

because I think you just
admitted to being selfish.

I'm sorry.

I'm a broken bird.

I understand.

You're a crazy person.

Yeah, well...

I think a lot of that
comes from my mama.

I'm listening.

Growing up, my mother
worked around the clock,

and I had to fight to get
the time I wanted with her

and grab onto all the love I could.

Mm.

I guess I'm doing that with you.

Interesting.

Never occurred to me that

someone would want to
spend more time with Ruby.

Touché.

I am gonna give you
the space that you need.

And I'm going to learn to share.

But don't worry.

It doesn't mean there's not
gonna be time for you.

Okay.

Do you want to watch "Westworld"?

- Yes.
- Okay.

- I tried watching it without you...
- Mm-hmm.

...and I didn't know
what the hell was happening.

I didn't.

Oh, my little broken man.

I will explain it to you.

Oh, my God!

Dre, you are horrible.

Oh! Matching outfits.

Where you going, to a party
you weren't invited to?

I didn't know the bus to
Dorktown ran this late.

All right, now.

We don't want any trouble.

We just wanted to grab
a few snacks before we leave.

- Mm-hmm.
- Jack, the thing

that would really set our frat house off

is a street sign.

Oh, yeah. Maybe like a "stop."

Or a "yield."

Or a "deer crossing" sign.

'Cause who's that for? Deer can't read.

Yeah, the thing is, they are
just so hard to get down.

I mean, if only we knew
someone with a crowbar.

Are you guys stealing?

Guys, I have a crowbar.

That's right. You do!

What?

Our trap is working.

Um, do you want to come with us

and maybe bring your crowbar?

Well, which one should I bring?

You know what? I'll just grab all three.

It's fine.

They want me to hang with them again.

I told you Grandma
was gonna take care of you.

Thank you.

Hey.

sn*per Sisters for life.

Well, for your life.

Oh. You're good.

Get out of here.