06x13 - Whistleblowers

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so someone broke in
to the Watergate Hotel,

and Martha Mitchell was like,

something fishy's goin' on, baby.

She's gonna spill
the g*dd*mn beans.

Okay, okay.

Eight hippies
break in to the f*cking FBI,

and they're like, we were right!

They're corrupt.

I don't even know why I'm laughing.

It's like the human
nervous system.

g*ng, are we rolling?

- So you take the gin?
- Yes.

- Take that.
- I love male bartenders.

I love, like...

Okay.
Here you go, baby.

- Here we go.
- I'll just...

Hello.

I'm John Early, and today...

You don't have to whisper.

Hello.

I'm John Early, and, uh, today

we're gonna learn
about Martha Mitchell.

Martha the Mouth.

It's the late '60s.
It's the early '70s.

Martha Mitchell is the hottest
gossip around D.C., okay?

She was married
to John Mitchell,

head of the CRP,

the Committee to Re-elect
the President.

"Creep."

She could hear everything
because her husband

is directly working
for the president,

Tricky d*ck.

She had the hottest goss
in D.C.

So Martha is, like, calling
the local D.C. news reporters

and being like, y'all,
we got a story, y'all.

So-and-so's doin' this.

This person's doin' this.

Martha's favorite reporter
was Helen Thomas

of the United Press
International, y'all.

She's like, you're not gonna
believe it, y'all.

So-and-so over here
did that over there.

So if that doesn't
paint the picture,

I don't know what will.

Moving on.

So...

Smash cut to...

June 17, 1972,

Martha and John

go to a huge fund-raiser
in Beverly Hills

for the Republican Party.

Martha is like,
oh, hey, there's John Wayne.

There's Ronald Reagan.
There's Nancy Reagan.

Suddenly, brring!

John gets a call.

He's like, hello!

And they're like,

someone has broken in
to the Watergate Hotel.

And he was like, f*ck!

And that's where
the story ends.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Well, now we know what happened.

- Yeah, the end.
- They broke in, and that was it.

Thank you so much.
I'm gonna go.

Okay, so the next morning,

John Mitchell
issues a statement.

He's like, this has nothing
to do with the CRP.

This is just, like,
a fun side burglary.

I'm so sorry.
The press was like,

uh, what about this guy
John McCord?

'Cause he was one
of the burglars.

So John Mitchell was like,
what's that?

What was the question?

And they said,
what I'm saying is,

John McCord was in the CRP.

And this, again, is fact.

He goes, f*ck!

Not only is John McCord,
of course,

completely a member
of the CRP.

He was also
Martha's head security guard.

And then it starts to dawn
on John Mitchell.

He's like, if I... if I...
if Martha finds out

that John McCord was part
of the Watergate break-in,

she's gonna spill
the g*dd*mn beans.

So here's what he does.

He takes her to the hotel.

He's like, Martha,
you stay in LA, honey.

- Bill Clinton.
- You're right. That was Bill.

Martha, you stay in LA.

So... so he's like,
I'm gonna go to D.C.

just for fun.
You stay out here.

You enjoy the sun.

He goes back to D.C.
to do damage control.

But first he has, like...
he then has alerted

his security team,
specifically Steve King.

He's like, make sure
that you, like, keep her

in the hotel and make sure
that she sees no newspapers.

Smash cut to...

Martha Mitchell goes to
the front desk of her hotel,

and she's like, can I have
a copy of the "LA Times"?

And the person's like,
yeah.

And then she, like,

opens the "LA Times."

Of course, every paper is
running the Watergate story.

She sees John McCord's name,

and she's like...

And then she calls
Helen Thomas,

and she's like, something
fishy's goin' on, baby.

Before she knows it, John...

f*cking Steve King,
whatever, not John.

My name's John,
and I'm complicit in a way.

You know, we can...
yeah, you know.

Yeah!
It's my fault!

Okay, so Steve King

rips the phone
out of her hands.

Helen Thomas heard Martha say,

"Now, you get away from me!"

Then the line goes dead.

The phone's hung up,
and this is her first moment

of, like, uh-oh,
you are my captor.

- God bless you.
- Hold on.

Something is wrong.
Okay, so...

she's like,
I'm gonna sneak out,

and I'm gonna go
into the next room,

and I'm gonna get the phone.

Like, I need to call
Helen Thomas again.

- So I'm gonna sneeze again.
- Please.

Oh, God!

So she starts to shimmy, y'all,

across the side of the building

to go to her neighboring hotel
room, truly, like, badass.

But Steve King grabs her,
physically, like, restrains her.

He calls
a m*therf*cking doctor.

And the doctor says,
"Hold her down, y'all."

The doctor injects tranquilizers
in her ass, Derek.

- No, thank you.
- They literally

fully sedate her.

She's basically being
held hostage

so that she wouldn't speak
to reporters.

So she is, like, kept
in her hotel for a week.

♪ It's been ♪
Sorry.

♪ One week
since you looked at me ♪

♪ ... Sorry ♪

There's no way
Com Central's gonna pay

for the Barenaked Ladies rights.

- That's true.
- They could, though.

♪ It's been one week
since you looked at me ♪

Is everyone ready?

That's what I like to do on sets.

- I like that.
- Okay.

So she is... she's in the hotel
for, like, a week.

And she's finally released.

So she goes back to the
Westchester Country Club.

She bursts in, and she's like,

I'm being held prisoner
by the GOP, y'all!

And John Mitchell's like,

Sorry, y'all, she's a little...

So Martha at this point is like,

okay, I'm being, like,
silenced here.

So she calls Helen Thomas.

I know that you've been taught

that "Deep Throat" broke
the story of "Watergate."

Okay?
It was Martha Mitchell.

- Whoa.
- So Helen Thomas runs Martha's story,

but, of course,
as uszh and still today,

it's relegated
to the women's section,

just like, "How to Make
a Jello Mold,"

"Touch His Taint if You
Want to Make Him Cum,"

and then, like,
"The Republican Party,

they are to blaaaame
for breaking in to Watergate."

And everyone's like...

So no one cared, but...

Nixon catches wind of all this.

And he's like,
this is not

some f*cking frivolous bitch.

He says to John Mitchell,

you need to...

Oh, God.

Okay, okay.

- Huh?
- Okay, okay.

He was like,
keep an eye on her.

And thus begins this, like,
era of, like... for, like...

it's, like, two years
of making her seem crazy.

Richard Nixon
tells the press,

she's an alcoholic.

So then what happens is,

Nixon pays psychologists
to say she's crazy,

so Martha's like,

I'm telling y'all
the truth.

John McCord was
my lead security guard, y'all.

We, in fact,
developed a relationship

much like the relationship
portrayed in "Guarding Tess,"

starring Nicholas Cage

and I want to say
Shirley MacLaine.

And, um... and they're like,

honey, you're crazy.

And this created
a very famous thing now

that psychologists use,
which is called

the Martha Mitchell effect,

which is when
you're misdiagnosed

as being delusional when
what you're actually saying

is just the truth.

- Whoa!
- Yeah.

So two years later,

Woodward and Bernstein
blow the lid off the story.

And, like, and then...
and thus

John Mitchell
is sentenced to prison.

And Nixon resigns on TV
in 1974.

Martha Mitchell,
she's laying back

on her couch exactly like
I'm doing right now, okay?

She's literally...
she's, like, martini in hand,

and she's like,
I told y'all!

Martha dies in 1976,

but at her funeral...
and this is so beautiful...

at her funeral,
they make a sculpture

out of white chrysanthemums
that says "Martha Was Right."

- It's so punk rock.
- Wow.

She's the reason we...
know about Watergate.

- Cheers, John.
- Congrats.

What a... what a fun...
what a fun time.

- The best.
- To Martha.

What's up, you guys?

"Drunk History's"
coming up next.

My name's John Early, and
you won't believe what's up.

It's... there's a lot in store.

Check me out,
and if you know what's up,

you'll definitely check the results.

- So just do a quick intro...
- Hello!

Hello!
It's me, Duncan Trussell.

You're watching "Drunk History,"

and tonight we're gonna talk
about...

This isn't a commercial.

- This is your intro.
- Hello.

My name is Duncan Trussell.

Tonight we shall be discussing
Hoover's burglars.

- Who?
- Hoover's burglars.

Oh, that's cool.

So J. Edgar Hoover
was running the FBI

as a tyrant for 50 years.

They're, like, surveilling
ordinary citizens.

The FBI sucks!

J. Edgar Hoover, like,
took over our country!

So John and Bonnie Raines,

they are Vietnam w*r
protestors.

John Raines,
he's a religions professor.

Bonnie Raines,
she runs a day care center.

She's like, no more w*r.
w*r sucks.

w*r is the worst thing,
Derek!

- That's the point!
- Agreed.

God damn it!

So John and Bonnie Raines
are having f*cking dinner

with Bill Davidon
and they're saying,

man, we're getting
the feeling

that the FBI
has been infiltrating

the anti-w*r movement.

He's like, oh, yeah, that
would probably make sense.

Hoover has been running
the FBI for 50 years,

so probably it's more like
a Gestapo

than we would like to believe.

So Bill says,
if anyone had any brains

in this f*cking country,
they'd break in

to the dumbass FBI
and, like, get some files.

And they were like,
that'd be smart.

And she's like, yeah,
that'd be super smart.

John and Bonnie,

having realized that
they have to do something,

begin to have activists over.

The kids are playing
f*cking Parcheesi,

and they're, like, eating
f*cking spaghetti meatballs,

slurping back big sweet
f*cking strings of pasta,

saying, we are going
to stop the FBI

from f*cking up the lives
of the American people.

It's so important, man.

This stuff is so important.

These... these aren't
spectacular people.

They're normal.
They're like us.

- Yeah.
- Keith Forsyth, one of the group,

learns to pick locks.

John and Bonnie are thinking,
how do we find an FBI office?

I don't know.
Look in the phone book.

So they look up the FBI
in the phone book.

They're looking up FBI,
FBI, FBI, FBI.

Uh, FBI, there it is.

They found, like,
an FBI office

in Media, Pennsylvania.

It's so funny...

to think the FBI listed their
address in the phone book.

So they're like, we should
come up with a name for this.

And someone was like, okay,
it's the Citizens' Commission

to Investigate the FBI.

They're like, let's just call it

whatever the f*ck.

Who cares?
Names suck.

Names are stupid.

Let's stop w*r.

I don't even know
why I'm laughing.

It's so stupid.

It's like the human
nervous system.

It's so dumb.

It's like, I can't stop.

Okay, okay, okay.

Bonnie goes into the FBI
office for a fake interview.

She dresses
like a college student,

puts on shitty
prescription glasses.

Bonnie meets with
the bureau chief of the FBI.

She's, like, trying to ask
the FBI agent questions.

What would it be to be
a woman in the FBI?

What does FBI stand for?

She's pretending
to take notes,

but actually
she's sketching a map.

There's a file cabinet.
There's a door.

I can barely see.

- She scopes the place out.
- Mm-hmm.

She leaves.
She's like, thank you so much.

FBI is great.
Women are great. Bye!

Oh, sh*t.

She goes back, and she's like,

this room is completely
breakable into-ble.

We can do this.

I'm terrible.

He's like,
so when do we do it?

That's the question, what's
the best time to att*ck?

So they pick the night
of the Fight of the Century...

Muhammad Ali is fighting
Joe Frazier...

knowing that everyone
will be watching the fight,

including J. Edgar Hoover.

On the night of March 8, 1971,

they went to this FBI office,

but then Keith takes one look
at the lock

and is like, what the f*ck?

This is a sh*t lock.

I've never seen anything
like this.

This m*therf*cker
is not a picker.

She's like, look, there's
a better lock down this hall.

He goes to the secondary door.

Keith unlocks the lock.

But now there's a file cabinet
in front of the door.

And he's like,
what the f*ck?

Here's where
it gets f*cked up.

Underneath the FBI office

is the apartment manager.

And he's, like,
watching the fight.

He knows that if he pushes
the file cabinet,

the apartment manager
will hear, so he listens,

waiting for the moments

of applause,
and anytime there's applause,

he slightly pushes
the file cabinet.

They're punching each other!
Oh, my God!

They punch each other so hard!
Oh, my God!

Look how hard
they're punching!

Holy sh*t!

Okay, so...

So they flood in,
eight of them, with suitcases.

They're wearing gloves.
They're smart.

They take it all... files,
bits of paper, everything.

They put it in their suitcase.
It's so amazing.

- I have to pee.
- Hold on one sec.

If I piss myself, can
I sue Comedy Central?

Well, what are you gonna
sue them...

I don't know, Derek.
I gotta pee!

I am so drunk.
I'm so sorry.

I always forget this part of it.

The... the premise?

You f*cking c**t!

I always forget that.
I-I'm so drunk.

I always think, oh, no,

this time, I'm gonna get
really drunk.

Keep going.
You remember where you were?

Basically, like, this is what...
this is so amazing.

Eight hippies walk out
of this building

in what would later be known

as one of the most amazing
acts of social activism

in American history.

So they get back
to the safe house,

they open up their files,

start reading them while
they're eating their beers

and drinking their chickens.

And they're like, holy f*cking sh*t.

We were right!
They're corrupt.

They're, like, surveilling
ordinary citizens,

and this
is unconstitutional, man.

They just got a f*cking
pile of documents

showing the FBI
has not only been infiltrating

anti-w*r protests.
They've been, like, getting

into the women's lib movement
and... and... and,

- like, create division within those ranks.
- Wow.

So they copy all this sh*t,
and they send it.

And they're like, we did it.
We f*cking did it.

They all vow to never, ever
mention what has happened.

And they vanish
into the night.

So Betty Medsger
at "The Washington Post"

opens up this
anonymous package,

and she's like, wait!

What the f*ck?

Somebody broke in
to the f*cking FBI building

and got this sh*t to us,

and now we have
to deal with this, man,

'cause either we
f*cking publish this sh*t,

or we are pigs,
barnyard animals,

not journalists,
just sold-out, bottom-level,

low-level shitbags shills.

And she's like,
well, let's print it.

And they f*cking printed it.

Before the Pentagon Papers
ever happened,

before Edward Snowden,
this sh*t happened.

Because of this,

it leads to an oversight
committee for the FBI.

Hoover is f*cking furious!

He's punching his fist
through walls.

He's smearing lipstick
on his face

so it smears all over
his lips.

He's biting f*cking crawfish.

He's rubbing lavender ointment
on his nipples.

He's dancing on top
of Ouija boards.

He's setting fire
to constitutions

and punching aliens
in the f*cking face

and kicking UFOs into
the f*cking Cyclopean eyeballs

of Illuminati reptilian shills.

What the f*ck is that?

So the FBI
is all over Philadelphia

interviewing this person,
that person, this person,

that person, everyone.

John and Bonnie
resume their lives.

But all the while,
they're looking

behind their shoulders,
wondering,

will this be the day
I go to jail

for doing the right thing?

And five years passed.

The statute of limitations
passed.

None of the members
of the Citizens' Commission

to Investigate the FBI
are ever caught.

- Wow.
- An ordinary American couple

took down Hoover the tyrant.

From a moment, there was,
like, a realization

by all Americans
that the government

doesn't give a f*ck
about you,

but we all forgot that now,

and that's why
we all have our phones

and our Amazon Echoes,
'cause we don't really give a sh*t.