02x02 - F-I-- FIRST S-E-- SECOND F-- FIRST DAY

[bunniefuu]

Okay, come on, kids.
You're late for school.

Oh, my goodness, it's
First Second First Day.

First day of school, it's your
second year at the same school,

first time that's happened...
First Second First Day.

First... second...

Ray, you're supposed
to be the smart one.

[Whispers] Pretend to get it.

Oh, yeah, it's great.

Okay, I am not trying to be rude,

but everybody shut up and go to school.

Dylan, you're gonna need your backpack.

Oh, yeah. Where is that idiot?

JJ, you ready?

No. We're having a bit
of a sartorial standoff.

We can't both wear
heather-gray polos and khakis.

We'll look like we're signing
people up for credit cards!

JJ, could you please go
change... quickly.

- Why the rush, Dad?
- Glad you asked.

I have waited three months
for the house to be empty,

and it is finally here.

Today, I am taking an
uninterrupted shower.

No more stopping because
somebody needs to pee

or we ran out of hot water

or someone let an
opossum into the house.

I let a raccoon in the house.

The possum was his loser friend.

I'm just as eager to get
out of here as you are.

I've got the ultimate
in bragging rights...

A girlfriend who goes to another school.

Darling, that's true, but, famously,

that is a thing nobody believes.

I know no one believes someone

when they say they have a girlfriend

that goes to another
school, but not this time.

I'm Taylor Marriman,
Ray DiMeo's girlfriend.

And here's today's newspaper
so you know it's real!

- Boom!
- Perfect.

That hostage-style video
is gonna fix everything.

In the car! Got to shower!

There we go... Two
completely different shirts.

Perfect.

[Sighs] What?

I'd like our outfits to be
telling some kind of story.

Get... Get out of my house.

Dylan, where are we on the backpack?

Where was the last place I had it?

"Suck it, school!

Summertime!"

It was here the whole time! All right!

And my bagel's still here.

Best First Second First Day ever!

- Do you understand it?
- No.

Mrs. DiMeo! How was your summer?

It was lovely, thank you. How was yours?

Deeply weird.

But anyway, please follow me.

I'd like to show you something.

[Singsong voice] Presenting...

- Oh!
- Ow!

Our newest students!

Gosh, I'm all for showmanship,

but how long were you
sitting in the dark?

- Oh, not long.
- minutes.

These lovely young people are
registered to start next week,

and it is all thanks to you.

We were all at the
Special Education Panel

you spoke at in July.

You gave such a strong endorsement

of Lafayette's disability program,

we followed your lead and transferred.

- Aww.
- Amazing!

You spoke at the panel?

I thought you were just in the audience.

Well, no, I was, but then they realized

I had an enormous amount to offer,

and so they invited me onstage.

Hello. Maya DiMeo.

How can we as parents best advocate

for our children's needs?

- Well, I think as parents...
- If I may.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

As I like to say, it's the
school that teaches the child,

but it's the parents
who teach the school.

Now, what do I mean by that?

Your advice was just so spot-on.

Ohh, you noticed that.

And delivered so loudly.

- [Laughter]
- Thank you.

We just can't wait to
pick your brain some more

about our new school.

That is an excellent idea.

Oh, my goodness. Wisdom. Ding. Ding.

Prepared to be imparted.

- Bing! Bing! Bing! Bing!
- [Laughter]

There's enough for everyone.

I always feared this day would come.

She's being validated.

Run!

Powers: [Gasps] There she is.

Dylan DiMeo, meet Leah Roberts.

Hi.

This is Leah's first day at Lafayette,

and we thought, since
you got the tour last year,

we'd do a fun switcheroo and
have you show Leah around!

Sounds fun.

Have you shown her the library?

Well, that's not the library.

Oh.

Okay.

So, that is not the library.

Maybe we should start off downstairs.

Oh, there is no downstairs.

W-What did you think was downstairs?

The Trogett Center for
Media and the Humanities?

Yeah, but there is n...

And that's just so specific.

Okay, you know what? Maybe I
should find another student.

Nah, I'll bang it out.

Bumpy takeoff, but I know the place.

Okay. Then, uh... thank you, Dylan.

- No problem.
- Great.

Your dad seems nice.

Ray, talk some sense into your brother.

JJ needs to take a language this year,

and he's insisting on taking German.

Why?

"I like making Kenneth say B-E..."

[Drops pencil, hits table]

JJ, name one instance where
you're gonna have to say

"bezirksschornstein-fegermeister."

[Laughs]

Oh, hi, Kenneth.

Oh! Gabrielle of House Moreno.

What up? Clutch to see you.

Uh, you caught me
getting lost in a book.

Oh.

"Who is that?"

It's Ms. Moreno, the Spanish teacher...

Who apparently drives Kenneth

bezirksschornstein-fegermeister.

"Change of plans.

Sign me up for Spanish."

JJ, why?

He doesn't need any help.

[Chuckles] Pretty good, right?

Only five lessons, I swear to God.

Hey, Jimmy! Getting in shape?

Nah... getting dirty for a shower.

Hey, you gonna use that stuff?

Hit me!

Thank you!

Now, who's got questions?

Doesn't have to be about disability.

I've got thoughts on politics,
cyberspace, and I'm a foodie.

How long did you know
before you got here

that Lafayette would be this
amazing paradise for your son?

See, I love those questions...

'cause they show how little you know.

Lafayette was no paradise.

We got what we needed

because I never just
took what they offered.

Don't be afraid of the big ask.

I mean, that is how we got
our full-time aide, Kenneth.

Oh, Dr. Miller didn't offer
any of us full-time aides.

Then demand it!

I don't know how to thank you.

Nobody tells you how to do this stuff,

and I always felt so alone
trying to figure it out.

Oh, well, you're not alone anymore.

I'm here to help you.

- [Sighs]
- You got any more questions?

More of a comment than a question...

Uh, my ex-wife is gonna tell you all

that I'm not ready to date, but I am.

But are you really?

She's right... I'm not.
Maya, you're a genius.

And we conclude our
tour with the cafeteria.

Boy: Hey!

That is a restroom.

You... really don't seem to
know much about this place.

Yeah, well, I change schools a lot,

so I didn't think I'd be here.

And quite frankly, after that tour,

I'm not too impressed.

You don't have to babysit me anymore.

You probably want to go
have lunch with your friends.

Nah, actually, I'm gonna head out.

Which way was the exit, again?

That way.

Look at you, MapQuest!

Mrs. DiMeo. Don't worry.

I know I often come
in here to yell or beg

and occasionally make
international phone calls,

but this visit, I'm going
to do none of those things.

- Oh?
- I'm here to thank you.

All those new families you brought me...

The Mayan Empire, people are calling it.

Oh, wow.

We are going to change their lives.

I spent so many years fighting for JJ,

and now I feel like I'm
part of something bigger,

and it feels great, so thank you.

No, thank you, Mrs. DiMeo.

I'm so glad this is a non-yelling visit,

'cause I've taken the
new families' requests

to the district, and...

Great.

Every last one has been rejected.

Okay. Right.

- [Door opens]
- [Exhales]

Wow.

New visit!

Those families moved to Lafayette

to give their kids a better life.

I promised them that!

Mrs. DiMeo, you know that
getting steamrolled by you

is one of the great joys of my job.

But appropriations are a district issue.

District issue, is it? Right.

Guess I'm gonna be going
over your head, then.

Please go over my head.

Use me as a ladder to get there.

Stick your foot in my mouth
for more firm purchase.

I will cheer you on as
you fight for those kids!

[Muffled] Give 'em hell, Maya!

Give 'em hell, Maya!

[Richard Strauss' "Also
Sprach Zarathustra" plays]

♪

[Music slows, distorts]

No.

[Music stops]

[Sprinkler running]

[Music resumes, normal]

[Tires screech]

[Grunts] Summer's over. Go learn.

Nice speech, Robe!

Dude. Why'd you sign up for
Spanish instead of German?

"You know why."

Because you both have
mice caught in your pants?

"I want to be your
wingman for Ms. Moreno."

And if a wingman's quality

is based on whether his
brother has a girlfriend,

then you're in good shape.

JJ, that is a nice thought, but...

[Laughs] there's nothing there.

"Don't be shy.

We've known each other for a year now.

You've seen my search history."

Yeah, and I can't unsee it,

Mr. "Emma Watson, workout, sweaty."

[Quietly] Did you find anything?

JJ, since I started working with you,

women have been the
last thing on my mind.

Guess you could say I've
taken a vow of "cerebralsy."

"I wish you didn't have to stop
all dating to work with me."

Yeah. That's some sacrifice.

As someone who has a girlfriend,
I can't even imagine...

"P-U-N"...

Y-Yeah, sure thing.

Like, in the face?

[Laughs]

[Door opens]

I'm sorry. We're in a meeting.

Ah, yes, and I'm sure
it's very important.

What's on the agenda today?

Covering up for some
horny football coach?

Sure, he spends school
money on strippers,

but he gets it done on the field!

We're discussing a cancer fundraiser.

Whatever keeps Coach
Lapdance off the front pages.

[Clicks tongue]
Now to the matter at hand.

It has come to my
attention that a number

of new special-needs
families at Lafayette

have been denied the
services they requested.

I insist they receive the same
benefits as my son JJ DiMeo,

and I will accept no less!

JJ DiMeo.

So, it looks like you currently receive

% more funding than
we earmarked for you.

I'm sorry... This aide, Kenneth,

we're covering how many hours?

Glad you brought this to our attention.

Let's get rid of that overage.

What? O-O-O-Oh, no!

Hey! Oi! Stop writing.

Come on! Just a big joke.

This is all a simulation.

I'm actually from the
Overage Detection Agency,

and this is all a test.

Forget it. There's just...
Drop the fake accent.

[Southern accent]
Y'all can just close that file.

[British accent] Cheers. D'oh.

[Southern accent] Cheers.

Good day to you, ma'am.

♪ O, say can you see ♪

I-I'm sorry to take up
so much of your time.

I just have a lot riding on this shower,

and I assure you that...

♪

What are you doing here?!

You don't get to ask that!

[Cellphone ringing]

It's Kenneth's.

He's still in the bathroom.

"Katie Hot Tub"?

"He said he wasn't dating.

Open his photos."

Say you think Kenneth is dead.

If you think he's dead,

then it's not a crime to
look through his photos,

'cause you can't commit a
crime against a dead person.

"I think Kenneth is dead."

Oh, sad.

Who are these women?

And they're recent.

These ones are wearing
the same swimsuit.

Does he have a loaner suit?

"Kenneth lied to me."

Kenneth let me use this hot tub!

Thank you for coming to
this emergency meeting

of the Mayan Empire!

What... What's the "Mayan Empire"?

Someone was calling
us that. I forget who.

So, any idea when we'll
get to meet our aides?

Yes, and I think it's time we graduated

onto some more advanced stuff, you know?

Enough of this "big ask" rubbish,

because the best way to
actually show the school

that you're a force to be reckoned with

is to ask for very little.

How does that get us what we need?

Well, it might not, but
the important thing is,

by withdrawing your requests
and asking for, say, a pencil,

you're sending a very
confusing message to the school,

and that goes a long way.

- Wait a minute.
- I don't think I understand.

At the panel, you said that
we should never back down.

- Yeah. You did.
- Yes.

- You made us yell it.
- I did, yeah.

Why are you saying this?
Is there a chance they won't

- provide us with aides?
- Ah...

Should we not have followed you here?

Gah! Oh, bollocks. It's all right.

I'm, you know, I'm gonna
figure it out, okay?

I'm not gonna let you down.

♪

[Groans]

I can't go to school. I think I have...

whatever it is that Ray has.

- Ray doesn't have anything.
- Really?

But then why does he act like that?

You're going to school.

I don't know what's going on.

I thought it was maybe just
not wanting summer to be over,

but you're going to school, period!

- I can do that.
- You promise?

Yes. I will go to school. I promise.

That feels airtight.

DiMeo... D-I-M-E-O.

Yeah, it's not there.

[Laughs] I see. You didn't
say which school.

[Sighs]

So, you don't mind school in general.

- What's wrong with your school?
- Lafayette sucks.

They don't even have a Trogett
Center for Media and the Humanities.

And we're all disappointed
by that, but come on.

It's got your track team,

it's got all your favorite teachers,

- it's got your friends...
- I don't have any friends.

- Yeah, you do.
- Not real ones.

People love you. You're great!

Of course I'm great. I'm amazing.

They don't know that.

I didn't bother to get to know them

because I assumed we'd be moving on,

because we always move on.

Yes, I'm amazing...

and alone.

I didn't realize us moving
around was so hard on you.

I didn't care till they had
me give this new girl a tour.

I didn't know anything.

She was a really nice girl,
but, like, suuuper passive.

She just went, like,
wherever I told her to go.

Seems like appropriate tour behavior.

Anyway, I'm used to not knowing anyone,

but I'm not used to
being around for so long

that I should know them.

I felt... weird.

Well, we're still here.

Let them in.

Yeah? Is it worth my time?

I mean, are we going to
stay at this school?

Yeah, I think so. No,
I need more than that.

Promise me.

Yeah.

I can do that. I promise.

Okay, then.

Deal.

Everyone at Catholic
school smokes cigarettes.

Oh?

Let's get you dry, partner.

Hey, did something happen in swim class?

Because you're usually humming
extremely profane rap songs

during your showers.

All right. Hang on.

"I saw your pictures.

Why did you lie about dating?"

Uh... you know, first off,

you're not allowed to
look at a person's phone

unless you think they're dead,

and you actually have to say it.

You did?

Respect.

Okay, I shouldn't have lied,

but I-I'd rather keep
that sort of thing private.

My life is my life.

"Not fair."

What do you mean, "Not fair"?

We can have boundaries with each other.

"You can. I can't."

[Cellphone ringing, buzzing]

Rent the room, Katie Hot Tub!

Right, I don't want to alarm anybody,

but yesterday, there
was a bit of a hiccup.

It would seem that, uh,

Lafayette's disability budget is tapped,

and we may have to cut back on
Kenneth's hours or share him.

We can't share Kenneth
with another family.

- That's disgusting.
- Agreed.

But if we keep things as-is,

another family's not
gonna get what they need,

unless...

we change schools.

What?

"Also, what?"

Look, hear me out.

Mesa Canyon High School...

Drowning in funding,
completely untapped.

We can have this all to
ourselves and keep Kenneth.

The other families get
to come to Lafayette,

they get everything that we got.

It's a win-win.

The DiMeos are on the move again!

You're serious?

No. We're not changing schools.

Come on! It's what we do!

We're Army brats, but
for cerebral palsy!

Yes, in the past, whenever
we've had a problem,

we've always just changed schools.

It's been the ace up our sleeve.

But Lafayette works.

For the first time,

I don't think we can
b*at the hand we've got.

Ooh, that's two poker metaphors.

Good or terrible?

- Great.
- Not a fan.

Forget moving. The kids
deserve some stability.

We have to make it work here.

Yeah, I still haven't showered.

All right.

Let's make it work.

But I don't know what else to do.

I can think of one
more thing you can do.

You're not gonna like it, though.

Dr. Miller, I need your help.

[Bleep], you say?

Kenneth: JJ. Dude!

Hold up, man. Listen, you're right.

It's not fair that I
get to put up these walls

and you can't with me.

So I think it's only fair
that I reveal myself to you.

"Are you going to show me your..."

No!

But I am gonna show you
my emotional penis.

Mind your business, Deshaun!

I'm proud of the man I am
when I'm working with you.

I'm less proud of the me
who's been divorced twice

and goes by "HotTubHercules"
on Yahoo! Personals.

So I tried to... keep him from you.

"Yikes. I wish you had."

[Both laugh]

Well, I-I hope you're ready to see it...

The full, complex
portrait that is Kenneth.

"We've got a Spanish
teacher to talk to."

[Chuckles]

Oh, hi, Kenneth.

And you must be JJ.

Well, um, Ms. Moreno,

we're gonna start a year
in your class, but...

I need you to know something.

I have feelings for you...

Big, bold, Technicolor feelings.

I'm ready to be with someone special.

Kenneth, I am so flattered.

But... I don't feel that
way about you.

I just... don't.

I'm sorry.

Oh. [Chuckles]

You... What, you thought that was me?

No, that... that was JJ.

I was reading for him.

You know, that's how this
works. You'll get used to it.

- Oh, JJ.
- [Whimpers]

Oh, baby.

Oh! It takes guts,

but you gonna be all right, dawg, okay?

You'll find that special lady.

[Whimpers]

JJ needs to be at the
school and he needs Kenneth,

but I can't shortchange
those other families.

I thought I had this whole "special
needs mom" thing figured out,

and it turns out I don't
know how to do any of it.

You did the exact right
thing... You came to me.

Oh, good. So, what's the solution?

Oh, I have no clue.

I'm looking at this budget,

and I can't free up another nickel!

I already pay a ton of employees I
can't fire who do nothing...

Just absolute loads.

We can't hire anyone new.

Those absolute loads who do nothing...

show them to me.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hi, Leah.

- Hey, Dylan.
- Hi, everyone.

I guess you're all new here.

I'm new most years, but I
think I've been doing it wrong.

Maybe I can give you guys some
tips on how to do it right.

First off, it's probably a
good idea to let people in,

get to know them.

That's really nice,

but all of us have been
here for, like, five years.

Oh, great. Can you show
me where everything is?

Take a long, last look
at these worthless losers,

'cause I'm gonna turn
'em into full-time aides.

Welcome to Hell, losers!

I told them this was a Popsicle party.

And one for you, and one...

And I know, I-I-I-I
bought this one earlier,

and this one seems perfect, but $ . .

Can I confess something?

It's not about the loofah.
It's about the shower.

I-I've hung too much on it,
and now it's finally here.

I'm gonna be disappointed. I know it.

And on the off-chance it is
as amazing as I've dreamed,

then what?

I live out my days knowing
I'll never be that happy again?

Do you want to consider a washcloth?

I'm in a hell of my own making, Kelsey.