02x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

[Car door closes]

Right, Dad, come on,
that's you. You all right?

Get off! I'm fine.

This isn't your house, is it?

- Aye.
- Have you done it up?

Aye, well, we had the
roughcast cleaned,

new windows there and we've got
the mono-blocked driveway too.

Do you like it?

Naw.

Aye, come on, let's go. Here.

OK, leave me alone.

Um.

In hear.

Here he is, birthday boy.

Hi, Willie, how are you?

What's wi' all this shite?

Ah, it's for your birthday, Willie,
we are celebrating.

I'm , hen.

The only thing I'm celebrating is
getting a full piss out in one go.

Right.

♪♪♪

How old did Colin say his dad was?

Was it not -something?

Jeezo.

I've no' seen him for years.

Well, he's been in that
nursing home hasn't he?

Aye.

- Cathy says he's not
that happy there.
- No?

No. He's been causing
a few problems for the staff.

They thought he could do with the
odd day out,

see his family a bit more.

And they thought that
would cheer him up?!

Hi there, Colin.

Hello. Ho, ho, ho.

In you come, come on.

There you go, Willie.

Dad, that's...
That's Eric and Beth here.

- Hello, Willie.
- Hiya, Willie.

Oh, Beth and Eric.

Oh!

It's Beth and Eric, Willie.

Who's this?

It's Beth and Eric. They stay next door.

Remember Eric changed
that tyre for you that time?

Oh, aye.

How you doing?

I can see where he put the old one.

What have you got there, missus?

Fudge. I made you some fudge
for your birthday, Willie.

Oh, wow-ee.

Look at the beautiful clingfilm
all tucked in underneath

for your birthday, Willie.

Are you wanting to try
a bit now with your cup of tea?

Fudge? With tea?

OK, OK.

Fudge. With a cup of tea!

All right, Dad, all right.

Maybe have it later.

A biscuit! A biscuit with tea.

Right, OK, Willie, I'll get you
a biscuit - chocolate biscuit.

Naw, naw, naw, no' a chocolate biscuit.

A plain biscuit?

We've got plain biscuits, I could...

No, no, no, you're all right, Beth.

S'all right Beth.

We've got digestives.

Right, would anyone else like
anything? Eric, a Penguin?

- No.
- You sure?

I thought you liked Penguins.

- No, I'm fine.
- What about a drink or something?

- Well...
- Would you like a beer?

Aye, I'll take a beer.

I'll have a beer as well.
Two beers, Cath.

Two beers. Beth?

I'll come through
and give you a hand.

No, no, no, you sit down.

You're the guest today,
I have got this.

Oh, well, just a
cup of coffee for me, then.

OK, then. So that is three coffees,
two Penguins and a beer for Willie.

No' bad weather we've
been having lately, eh?

Aye.

Been decent up your way
has it, Willie?

Naw.

You all right, Cath?

Oh, hi, Beth.

How are you managing?

Good, yeah, no problem, just...
[clicking switch]

[Clicking switch]

Willie all right, is he?

He is absolutely fine.
He's no problem at all.

You know, I said to Colin,

I think those nurses
up there exaggerate things.

[Doorbell rings]

You know, lazy cows.

If they haven't got the patience
to deal with old people,

they shouldn't be in the job
in the first place.

Is he staying the night?

No chance.

Christine!

Is he here?

Aye, he's here.

Lovely.

Sophie, y'all right? Come on,
let's get this party started.

Can I use your loo, please?

Aye, sure.

Just in there.

Oh, hi, Christine.

[loud and slowly!!] Hullo, Willie.

Good to see you again.

Who's this?

It's Christine from next door, Dad.

Uh-huh. I met you
a number of years ago, Willie.

You might not remember,
you were eating a fish supper.

I was in getting a battered sausage
for my daughter, So...

- Where is she?
- Oh, she's in the loo.

Oh. For my daughter, Sophie,

who's here with me today also
but who is in the loo at the minute.

[Toilet flushes]

Oh, that's her finished.

I must say, it is indeed an honour

to have been invited along here
today to your birthday, Willie.

They must think an awful lot of you,

because Cathy's hardly ever
out her bed by this time,

never mind inviting folk in
for a drink.

Oh, oh, here she is now.

This is my daughter, Sophie, Willie.

Hiya. Happy birthday.

Where's your sausage?

Sorry?

Did she not say she was
away getting sausage?

No, no, no, no. She was in the loo.

I was in getting her a sausage when
I met you with your fish supper.

Sophie, what flush did you use?

What?

We've got two flushes, Eric,
a big one and a wee one.

The small one is just for liquids.

For urine, Eric.

And the big one, obviously, for...

For solids.

Let's put my music back on.

I brought you a wee present, Willie.

Oh, look at that, Dad.

- Does he like whisky?
- Oh, aye.

That's very generous of you, Christine.

Oh, look at that, Cath,
look what Christine brought him.

It's malt whisky, Cathy, from Pitlochry.

Oh, Willie. Wow!

Where did you say you got it?

Pitlochry.

Pitlochry, Willie.

What were you doing in Pitlochry?

Oh, I was away on
a bus tour with Pat over the back.

It was small towns of Perthshire

and a waterfall I wisnae interested in.

Malt whisky, my ass.

Whit?!

That's not malt whisky.

That's that cheap shite
they sell to tourists.

Dad's quite fussy about his whisky.

Well, still, it was a lovely
thought, Christine. Wasn't it, Eric?

Aye, oh, aye.

Sophie, would you like
a drink of something?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Here, Eric, do you fancy a dram?

Dad, you don't mind
if I open this, do you?

Eric?

Well...

No' good enough for you, either?

No, I'll... I'll take one.

A wee splash o' water?

- Yeah, smashing.
- Beth?

Sure, why not, ice with mine
if you've got it, Colin.

Sophie?

She's pregnant, Colin,
she'll just have a Breezer.

Christine, would you like anything?

Aye, ma f*cking money back.

I should never
have bothered my arse.

Pat said to me in the shop,

"Why don't you just get him
the squeezy haggis

wi' the fridge magnet wi' the piper
on the front," and I said,

"No. No way am I turning up to
Cathy Whyte's house

wi' a load o' cheap shite."

I know, Christine.

Miserable old bastard.

I mean, you spend £ .
on a bottle of malt whisky

and that's the thanks you get?

I don't think he's having
a great time up at that place

he's staying at.

Aye, what's the matter? The arse
wiping no' up to scratch, naw?

Ho, ho, ho, here we go. Right.

Here, does anyone know what
whisky means in Gaelic?

The word "whisky"?

I know, I know, I know.

I don't know.

Sophie?

- I don't know.
- Guess.

- I don't know.
- Just guess!

Alcohol?

Alcohol.

She thinks it means alcohol, Colin.

No. It means...Eric?

Water of life.

Water...of...life, Sophie.

Water of life!

Water of life? That's three words,
whisky's only one.

How the f*ck were we
meant to know that?

OK, so, everyone ready?
I've got a wee toast.

Here's to my Dad -
we don't see him often enough

and it's, well, it's great to have
you here, it really is,

so here's wishing you
a happy birthday.

ALL: Happy birthday, Willie.

Pish water!

Aye, well, cheers, everybody.

Cheers.

- Slainte.
- What's slainte?

That's Gaelic as well.

It means, "Let's get pissed!"

Christ, what is it wi' them
turning everything into one word?

Are they short of paper up there?

Anyone for another wee drop?

Oh, yeah!

- Eric?
- Well, I suppose.

Isn't this fun?

Isn't this fun, Willie?

Sophie, do you want
a wee drink or something?

No, I'm all right.

Are you sure?

A wee can of Irn Bru?

No thanks.

Don't! She might have a wee ginger baby.

Ha-ha ha-ha!

Heh heh heh.

- [Phone rings]
- Oh, it's Ian.

Hello, love.

Oh, right.

Cathy. Ian and Jaz are at ours,
they've just dropped by.

- We should probably...
- No, no, tell them to come in.

Ian, come to ours, we're having a party!

Y'all right, Dad?

- Is that time to go?
- No, no.

It's not time to go yet, Willie.

No, you can stay
as long as you like.

Well, till about seven.

Oh, hiya.

Look at you two, like two
wee gay Jehovah's Witnesses.

In you come.

Look who I found!

Ho, ho, you boys
ready to join the party?

- Hi, son.
- Hi, boys.

- Hiya. All right, Soph?
- Hya.

There's Jaz - that's my wee pal, there.

Hi, Christine, how are you?

Jaz, have you been
introduced to Willie?

- Hello, Willie.
- Awright, Willie.

Who's this?

That's Eric's son. And this is his...

pal, Jaz.

So what brings you two over this
neck of the woods then, eh?

Oh, we were just in at the estate
agent's and we thought we'd drop by.

We put an offer in on a flat.

Oh, my goodness, have you?

Don't say anything yet,

we're just waiting to hear
if it's been accepted.

Don't want to tempt fate,
we're not telling anyone about it.

- What is it?
- We've just put an offer in on a flat.

Aw, smashing.

Nothing's confirmed,
we're still waiting to hear,

so just keep it to yourself now, eh?

Course I will.

Hey, Cath, they just bought a house.

Woohoo! Oh, that is great news.

You're getting out
of that nasty little flat.

Have you ever been to Pitlochry, Willie?

No.

So when will you find out?

They're speaking to the owners now

and then they're going to phone us back.

Are you going to have
a house-warming, Jaz?

Oh, Cathy, let's just wait till they
find out if they've got it, eh?

Remember that one we had
up at our last place, Col?

That was a riot.

One of the neighbour's boys
slid down the banisters

and cut himself all the way up
the inside of his leg,

right up into his actual bum area.

Sorry we didn't bring
a present or anything.

Aye, we didn't realise it was
your dad's birthday, Colin, sorry.

Don't worry about it -
Beth only brought fudge.

Aw, I love fudge.

Do you, Jaz? Col, get the fudge -
Jaz wants some.

Are you a fudge fan, Willie?

Naw.

Aw, come on, a wee bit of fudge
wi' a cup of tea, lovely.

Jaz, help me rip it.

That's it.

Oh, poo.

There you are.

Christine?

Thanks very much.

Dad, do you want a bit?

- Go on, Willie.
- Go on, Dad.

Go on, Willie!

Oh, Beth,

that is f*cking tremendous.

It's like biting into
a big thick cushion, so it is.

Oh, here, Sophie, wait
till you get your teeth into that.

There she goes.

Yum-yum for baby.

Boy, oh boy, Beth,
that is as creamy as anything.

Have you tried a bit, Cath?

- Eh, no.
- My back teeth are going all gooey with it.

Aye, well, don't fill
yourselves up with fudge -

Cathy's getting some food
on the go, aren't you, Cath?

- Yeah.
- Marks and Spencer's, Sophie.

Oh.

Is it platefuls you're doing,
Cathy, or just a buffet?

Just a buffet, in't that right Cath?

- Yeah.
- And when are we having it?

[shouts] Once I've
done the fudge! Colin.

Honestly.

I want food now.

All I've had's a biscuit.

Aw, are you
no' feeding this man, Cathy?

Maybe we should just get
something to eat now, Cath?

Aye, I'm actually
a wee bit peckish myself.

All right, all right,
I'm going, I'm going.

Nothing salady for me, Cathy,
takes up too much room on the plate.

And remember, for Sophie, no quiche,
no prawns, no salmon,

no soft cheese,
no chicken on the skewers.

You can eat chicken when you're
pregnant can you no?

Oh, aye. She just keeps jabbing the
roof of her mouth wi' the sticks.

Do you want a hand, Cathy?

No, no, no, you're all right.
You stay there, I've got this.

♪ A finger of fudge is just
enough to give your kids a treat ♪

[Whistling] ♪ De dee de diddly
dee dee de dee de dee de dee ♪

♪ De diddly de de mm hmm mmm... ♪

CATHY: Beth!

Beth!

Any chance of a hand?

Sure.

OK, what have you done so far?

I've opened a big packet of crisps.

OK. Right.

What we'll do is we'll
get the nibbly stuff on to these.

It'll be fine, everyone's beginning
to relax and enjoy themselves.

You don't have to worry.

If you could just...

Oh.

Willie.

Willie.

Willie!

What?

Do you remember that newsagents
that used to be in the corner

where the big Tesco's is built?

Naw.

Well, apparently the guy
that used to have that

has recently been accused of
filming up a woman's skirt

on a train to Edinburgh.

As I says to Sophie,

it's just as well that I normally
wear my joggers when I'm travelling.

You all right there, Willie? You
getting a nice chat with Christine?

Chat, chat, chat!

Would either of you boys
care for a wee whisky?

No, I'm fine. I can't drink spirits.

Och, on ye go, just try a wee one.

[Mobile rings]

Cheers.

'Sake.

[Jaz retches]

Hello.

Speaking.

Oh.

Right, OK.

Uh-huh.

OK, I'll talk to Jaz
and see what he thinks.

I'll phone you back.

Bye.

Sorry.

Too low.

They knocked it back.

- Aw, no.
- Oh, dear.

Oh, that's a right old
kick in the nuts, that.

What's going on?

They just had their offer
on the place knocked back.

I says to them -
bit of a kick in the nuts.

Oh, bang!

Right in the ballsack.

They missed out on
that house they wanted.

They tried to pull a fast one,
going in low.

Now it's backfired, folk selling it
have told them where to stick it.

Bang!

Oh, do you hear that, Sophie?

It's a shame.

Oh, there's Sophie
all upset as well.

The prices they're asking
these days are ridiculous.

Well, this is the property bubble
for you, Eric, in't it?

Aye.

But we all know
what happens to bubbles.

Uh-huh.

They float away.

Right, here we are.

Have you ever been
kicked in the nuts, Willie?

Aye, awright, Cath.

I'm just trying to make him
feel included.

Beth, nightmare. He just heard
from the estate agent.

They didnae get it.
The offer was rejected.

Oh.

Bash, boof, ah!

Right in the balls!

Why did they reject it?

It's the bubble, Beth.

- What?
- Beth, come on, hand the food round.

Sorry, Willie.

Can yous offer any higher?

See, they offered low,
trying to get it on the cheap

and now the guy's got them over a
barrel. It's an absolute mess.

Can we offer any higher?

I don't know.

What do you think?

Beth, could I get a napkin?

How much more do you reckon
you'd have to offer?

Mmm, I dunno.

- Two grand?
- Oh, here we go again.

Three? Four?

I mean, five seems a lot.

Does it? I mean,
you've already pissed them off once.

We can't afford
another £ , , can we?

£ , , Willie.

I bet that's more than you've
earned in your entire life.

Christ, how old does she think I am?

I don't know what to do.

Offer , more.

What?

Offer five grand on top of what
you offered already.

- We'll...
- We'll give you the money.

You all right, Dad,
you enjoying yourself?

Naw.

Anybody care for a wee top up?

Oh, come on, that's Willie's whisky.
We cannae drink the lot.

Do you no' want another one?

I never said that.

I'll need to get some
more ginger ale. Cath...

Beth, mixer.

Here, I'll take one.

Allow me, squire.

When I was on that bus tour
to Pitlochry

there was an option of an overnight
for you, a dinner and dance.

Or is it a dinner and a ceilidh?

Oh, I love ceilidhs.

Why did you not go?

Oh, well, I like my own bed
and Pat couldnae be arsed.

Do you remember that ceilidh we
went up to at the time-share, Col?

Remember where that woman
smashed her pelvis?

Aye. Aw, they're great fun.

I'll tell you who used
to go to a lot of ceilidhs.

Who?

What?

You were a man for the
ceilidhs, were you no'?

Och, aye, but that
was a long time ago.

Oh, you liked to dance, Willie?

It wisnae the dancing. He was
playing in the band - accordion.

Aye? Play the accordion,
do you, Willie?

Aye, a wee bit.

A bit? He was practically professional.

I had an uncle used
to play the bagpipes.

Did you, Eric?

Did you hear that, Sophie?

Eric had an uncle that
used to play the bagpipes.

Oh, Sophie used to play
the clarinet, as well.

She was quite good too, eh?

What was it again, you...?

Oh, aye, Pop Goes The Weasel.

♪ Dee de dee de diddly dee
dee dee de dee dee... ♪

Christine...

♪ De de de diddly de de
de de de de... ♪

- Christine!
- ♪ De diddly de de de de... ♪

Naw, Christine...

♪ De diddly de de de de
de de de de...♪

You're away on
A Finger Of Fudge, Christine.

Aw, shite, so I am.

Here, Dad, you know what
I've got up the stairs?

- Naw.
- Your accordion. Hmm?

Will I away and get it
and you can give us a wee tune?

ALL: Yeah!

Oh, no, no, no.

Go on, Willie, it's your birthday.

- Do something.
- Two ticks.

♪ De dee de diddly dee dee
dee de dee de dee ♪

♪ De diddly de de de de ♪

♪ Pop goes the weasel. ♪

Och.

See, I'm the same wi'
Itsy Bitsy Polka Dot Bikini, Beth.

I just start humming it and before
I know it,

I'm straight into the theme song
fae Benny Hill.

So ah am, amn't I, Sophie?

Yep.

I blame Jive Bunny, Willie.

Oh, those megamixes they brought
out just scrambled me.

Ho, ho, ho. Here she is!

ALL: Whoa!

Right, let's see
what we've got here, eh?

You going to give us
a tune, are you, Willie?

- Oh, Col, give me a sh*t, gie us a sh*t.
- OK.

Whoo! Got it?

That's you, haud on.

Oh!

♪ Here comes the Highland granny, ♪

♪ Great big tits and a hairy fanny. ♪

It's not working, it's broken Colin.

Aye. Quite a lot of money
these things cost, you know.

We had this valued last year,
you know, for insurance purposes.

But, there you go, Dad.

Aye, this'll bring back
a few happy memories, eh?

Aye, your grandad got me this.

Jeezo, that must have cost him
a few weeks' wages, eh?

Not many.

He nicked it from a wee blind boy
outside the bus station.

Look at that, Sophie,
I bet you wish you'd kept going

with your clarinet, eh?

You could be up here
playing with Willie.

There you go, Dad, that's you.

[Accordion plays]

[Cheering]

What about that, eh?

That was terrific.

Right, that's enough.

Oh, come on, Willie,
give us another one.

Jaz, Jaz, get up, get up, get up.

Dance!

Willie, give us another one
so Jaz can dance to it.

He doesn't want to, Cathy.

He's gay, of course he wants to!

Remember Scottish
country dancing at school?

- Did you ever do that, Eric?
- Oh, aye.

Drops Of Brandy, Gay Gordons,
Strip The Willow.

- Strip The Willow!
- That's it. Play us a reel, Dad.

- Naw.
- Right.

We have gone to a lot
of trouble today, Willie,

all for your birthday.

The least you could do
is give us a wee tune on your...

That thing there, mmm.

Play, Willie!

Right, one more.

[Cheering]

Beth, move that table.

Beth, come on. Hurry up!

Don't drag it.

Come on. Eric, up you get
and take a partner.

- Up, up, up!
- Sophie, come on, wee dance.

- No.
- Shift, Willie.

Come on, Soph'.

Move that back.
Move him, move him over there.

Sophie!

That's you. Right, get yourself sorted.

Right.

Oh, Jaz, Jaz.

You should be wearing
a kilt with no pants.

I don't know what I'm doing!

It's country dancing, Jaz.

It's easy, you just,
you run up and down and scream!

Right, we'll do...

We'll do Strip The Willow, Dad, eh?

Yeah, ceilidh! Yahoo!

Right, Jaz, what you do is,

you go into the middle to meet
your partner and spin round.

That's it.

Oh, stop it, Jaz. Jaz, please.

And just go right
doon the line with her.

That's you, till you get to the end.
That's it.

That's it, Cathy.

And do a wee spin at the bottom.

And, well, you know,
basically that's it.

We've got it, we've got it.
Come on, let's do it.

Right, you ready, Dad?

[Accordion plays]

Now careful, Ian,

she's spewing up
at the drop of a hat the now.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Oh, let Jaz and Ian spin together.

They're gay, equal rights!

[Mobile rings] _

Jaz! Jaz! Jaz! Jaz! Jaz!

Jaz, stop.

Jaz, Jaz!

Are you all right, Christine?

Silly wee bastard.

I'm so sorry, Christine.

It was an accident.

Mum, take Eric's hand.

Here, Christine give us your hand.

Aye, all right, give us a minute.

Sorry, Willie, apologies, my friend.

It's no' your fault.

Though...

why we couldnae
have left that f*cking thing

in the cupboard, I don't know.

- Aw, sh*t!
- What is it?

Missed call from the estate agent.

Willie, go again.

Hang on, Cathy, and wait until
Ian's made his phone call.

Oh, pardon me at my own party.

Oh, landed right
on my tail bone there.

Wait till you see the big giant
bruise at the top of my arse

in the morning, Jaz.

Really? No, no that's amazing.

Brilliant. Bye.

- We got it!
- Yes.

We got the house,
they accepted the offer.

- Aw, well done.
- Fantastic!

Celebration. Come on, Willie,
give us another one.

Naw.

- Come on!
- Naw, I'm needing the loo.

Right hold on, Dad,
I'll get that for you.

Now, do you know where it is?

And it's... It's the
wee button for a pee.

Aye,

we'll see how much comes oot.

I think he's enjoyed it.

Aye, he has, aye, compared to what
he was like when he came in.

Well, maybe the nurses
are right, you know?

He's just needing
some time with the family.

Oh, bless.

I feel bad about him
going back up there tonight.

Why do you not just see
if he's wanting to stay over?

Aye, every birthday's precious when
you get to that age, in't it Sophie?

Aye, why not?

Cath, what do you reckon?

Beth will give you
a hand with his breakfast.

[Toilet flushes]

OK then.

Brilliant.

Dad, we were just saying,
me and Cath,

we know things aren't ideal
up at the home,

but we've had a good day and we've
all enjoyed ourselves

so, how would you just like to...
to stay the night?

Where, here?

- Aye.
- Stay the whole night?

Cath'll cook us a bit of dinner

and we'll make up a bed
for you down here.

What do you say?

Naw.

♪ Oh Willie, oh Willie ♪

♪ Every kiss I get from Willie
is a dilly ♪

♪ Willie, oh Willie ♪

♪ I'm so much in love with Willie
that it's silly ♪

♪ Willie, he's such a honey ♪

♪ When he looks at me
I go all kind of funny ♪

♪ Willie, oh Willie ♪

♪ I just go for darling Willie
willy nilly. ♪