02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

Eric! Scrambled eggs ready!

Oh, sorry.

It's all right.

Thank you.

[DJ chats on radio]

Good morning, Mr Baird.

Hi, son.

Are you having a shave?

Aye.

I've got some post-shave
moisturiser, if you'd like it.

No, you're all right.

It's good for cuts.

I don't get cuts.

Have you ever tried growing a beard?

No.

I did, but I kept on getting
stopped at the airport.

What about a moustache?

No!

I tried one but Ian
said it was too tickly.

Mr Baird?

What?

You've cut yourself.

[Sighs]

So, what are you up to today?

Not much. What about you?

Well, once your dad's away, I'm
going to go and get my hair done.

Aw, nice. Are you getting it dyed?

I mean, cut?

Well, I'm just looking forward to
getting a bit of time to myself.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, Beth, you're up and
dressed. Good, I'll come in.

♪ [Love Sex Magic by Ciara
ft Justin Timberlake] ♪

Ooooh, there he is.

Give us a twirl.

Wait till I get my hat on.

Hey, hey!

Oh, look at you!

Like a wee Krankie.

Right, that's me.

Latvia, here I come!

Are you no' taking a bag?

Naw! Everything I need I've got in here.

Passport, my wallet, tickets
for the match, my lip balm.

What about clean pants and stuff?

Oh.

Fair enough.

So then I pressed confirm.

You know how you get that
wee box down at the bottom

on the right-hand
side that says confirm?

- Uh-huh.
- Well, I pressed that.

And then the wee dots started
going round and round in a circle.

And then I says to her
- what was it I said, Sophie?

"What do they wee dots mean?"

Uh-huh.

And she says
- what was it you said again?

"Buffering."

Buffering, Beth.

It buffered and buffered
and buffered and then...

- went blank.
- It froze halfway through the order,

so we don't know if
it's gone through or not.

- What were you buying?
- Don't ask.

A buggy.

Oh, right.

The Barneyboo, Beth.

In navy, in't it, Sophie?

Barneyboo, Ian.

I said that I would buy her
that and her breast pumps,

and Pat over the back is going
to buy her the brolly to match

and an Elsa potty.

Oh, hiya, Christine.

Oh, you're here, as well?

You've got a houseful the day, Beth!

Uh-huh. Well, Ian and
Jaz are staying here until

they get the keys to their new place.

And is that all your boxes there?

Uh-huh.

Let me know if you've got any
bubble wrap going a-begging,

because Sophie loves
popping that wi' her teeth.

[Whispers] For f*ck's sake.

Actually, Jaz, you
might be able to help.

Are you any good wi' computers?

Sorry, I'm not.

What it is is...

She was in the middle of
buying something online

and her computer froze.

Sophie, can I get you anything?

A cup o' tea for me, please, Beth.

So, Jaz, what was it you said
that you thought it was again?

I really don't know.

I mean, it might be something
to do with your router.

- My what-er?
- Your router.

Either that or a virus.

A virus.

What do you think?
Could be, couldn't it?

Is that what you think, Jaz? A virus?

And where might that have come from?

From spam?

A spam virus?

Oh, my God!

I thought maybe just the
Wi-Fi signal was weak.

Well, it would be weak
if it'd had a virus.

That's not how it works, Christine.

Look, could you shush
for a wee minute, Ian?

Jaz is the expert here.

I'm really not.

- Jaz, do you think that I might've been hacked?
- Ugh!

The computer is nothing
to worry about, Christine.

Oh, that's easy for you to say.

You're not the one that'll be
sitting here without a buggy,

while some thieving bastard
is cutting about Nigeria,

away out for his tea wi'
money aff my debit card.

Did we not get some kind of booklet
thing that came with our broadband?

Aw, yeah, yeah. I think
it's in one of those boxes.

Thank God Jaz is here, eh, Sophie?

Cathy: Yoo-hoo!

It's only us!

Oh, here he is!

- All set?
- Hiya, Cathy.

Morning, squire.

Look at you in your dressing gown, Eric.

Lovely big towelling robe
keeping you all nice and warm.

Hi, Cathy.

Hiya, missus.

Oh, Eric, are you not even dressed yet?

And I've got scrambled
eggs sitting there for you.

Have you, Beth? Lovely.

I'm nearly ready. I
was just packing my bag.

What are you taking a bag for?

Just put all your essentials into
your sporran, that's what I've done.

That's all Colin's done.

Aye, it weighs it down
at the front as well,

so it doesnae flap up, you know?

Flap up and show your cock.

Ah! Thank you, Cathy.

What? Well, I don't think
we need to spell it out.

Well, we all know he's got one.

You said it was thicker than a...

Cathy!

Colin's going commando, aren't you?

I am. Well, you know, if you're
on the pints it just saves time

after a while, Beth.

I'm not wearing a kilt.

[Both] What?!

He's not wearing a kilt.
He doesn't even have one.

You can't go on a trip with the
old Tartan Army no' wearing a kilt.

- Well?
- Colin, what about your old one?

That'll no fit Eric.
Look at the size of him.

Oh, go and get it. It'll be fine.

I've wiped all that stuff off it.

[Christine] Beth!

Oh, is that Christine?

Beth!

Coming, Christine!

Yes, Christine?

Jaz thinks it's my router.

I'll go and see if I can figure
out what's the matter with it.

Give us your computer.

Technology, eh, Jaz?

Here, I've got a flashing
Christmas headband

that is on the blink as well.

You might have a wee look
at that, if you don't mind.

Oh, he's a little wizard,
this one, aren't you?

Right, I'll not be long.

So, what are you getting
up to while Eric's away?

I'm having my hair done this afternoon.

- What?
- I'm having my hair done.

- You're going out?
- Yes.

- Today?
- Yes.

Oh.

What about you?

Oh, busy, Beth.

I've, er, tons of stuff
to be getting on with.

What time'll you be back?

Beth.

So, how are you doing, missus?

I'm OK. I'm getting a bit tired now.

I was gonna say, you look done in.

Oh, it's so exciting though, isn't it?

Just think, in a few
months' time you'll be a mum!

A single mum, knackered,
but making the most of it.

Aye, never mind her! I'm knackered.

I've been up since seven o'clock
this morning trying to get

my hands on a Barneyboo.

- A what?
- A Barneyboo, Cathy.

It's a buggy, Mrs Whyte.

THE Barneyboo. Oh, you should see!

What's it like, Sophie?

- It's all right.
- Eh?! It's absolutely beautiful.

I said that I would get her
that and her breast pumps,

and Pat over the back's going
to get her the matching brolly

and an Elsa potty.

So, are you breast-feeding,
are you, Sophie?

I'm gonnae try.

Aw, that's amazing.

Jaz, isn't that smashing?

Little baby sucking all the
milk out of Sophie's breasts.

It helps you to bond with the baby.

Oh, yeah.

Why pay for milk when
you've basically got two big

bottles attached to you already?

You all right, troops? Howdy doody.

Christine's computer's packed in.

Aw, no.

- I know.
- Oh, that's terrible.

It is.

And is there nothing you
can do with it at all, Jaz?

She was in the middle of
ordering a Bunnybugger, Colin.

Barneyboo.

Oh.

It's a buggy.

Hey, what's aw this?

It's for the football.

They're going to Latvia to
see Scotland play, Christine.

Latvia?

There's a guy that goes to
my gym who's from Latvia.

Is there, Jaz?

- Yeah.
- It's a beautiful country, apparently.

It's Riga we're going to, Jaz.

And you say it like this
- Riga.

Yeah, that's where he's from.

He says it's a really popular
destination for men looking

for cheap alcohol and prostitutes.

Oh.

Can you imagine being
a prost*tute, Beth?

- Sorry?
- In and out strangers' cars all night.

I just couldn't do it.

I get travel sick if I can't see out.

Oh, Jaz, can you clear
up that mess, please?

Oh, sorry.

There is so much sh*t everywhere.

I don't know how you cope with it.

Colin, are you wanting anything?

Have you still got some of
that scrambled egg on the go?

Oh, Christine, what a
shame about your Buggeryboo.

Barneyboo.

Why don't you just order another one?

- Eh?
- If your order didnae go through,

just order another one.

Oh, right enough.

Where's my computer?

Ian's away with it.

Beth, iPad!

No, honestly, just leave it.

You're all right, Sophie. We'll
get aw this sorted out for you.

Yeah, you single mums need
all the help you can get.

Beth!

- What?!
- Where is your iPad?

[sighs]

We're gonnae order another Barneyboo.

Oh, for God's sake.

Pig sty.

Ah!

Right...

Oh, no.

What is it?

Battery low.

Technology, eh, Jaz?

Jaz, do you mind nipping
upstairs, see if you can find

the charger for that, please?

When it works, it's great. When
it doesn't, you're totally f*cked.

[Door opens]

Oh.

Sorry.

I was just looking for the iPad charger.

Over there.

You know, I've got
clippers if you want to...

No.

Just a wee bit of privacy in my
own home would be fine, thanks.

Ha

[Sighs]

Have you ever been to Latvia, Sophie?

No, no, I've not.

That's the great thing about
the Tartan Army, you know.

It gives you a chance to see the world.

I mean, I've been in hospitals and
police stations all over Europe.

Barneywhat, Christine?

[Both] Boo!

I like the way she does that.

Look at that, Sophie.

I'd love an iPad.

But there's always the
worry of sitting on it.

I'll leave that to you, Jaz.
You're the, er, whizz kid.

Cathy, come over and sit
next to me so I can watch it.

No, no.

All right, I'll come
and sit next to you then.

Sophie, can I get you anything at all?

I'm fine, Mrs Baird, honestly.

Do you want a banana or something?

No, I'm OK.

Bananas are supposed to be good
if you're pregnant, are they not?

I don't really like them.

I'll have a banana, Beth,
if there's one on the go.

You've not even finished your roll yet!

hours solid drinking ahead of us.

Cannae do that on an empty stomach.

You're not drinking
for hours, surely!

No. Well, the game's minutes and,

well, there's no bottles
allowed in, so, naw.

Beth? Beth?

Yes, Christine?

I'll take a wee banana.

[whispers] Oh, dear God.

Right. Anybody else want a banana?

No, thank you.

Jaz?

No, thank you.

Oh, Beth?

I'll take half of one.

Er...

Please, may I have an apple?

Right. Christine, quantity?

Er, one.

Oh, uno.

Card details?

Ah, Christ! I've left
my bag in the house.

Oh, Christine!

Sophie, nip back next door
and bring me my bag, will you?

No, you don't need to bother.

All right, I'll give you
the money back, Cathy.

It's not my card, it's Beth's.

Oh.

[Cathy] Expiry?

[Christine] - .

[Cathy] Aye, there's a few trips to
Morrison's left in you, my friend.

Well, what d'you think?

Yeah... looks good.

What?

[Laugh]

What is it? What's she laughing at?

All right, that's
enough. I'm taking it off.

[All] No, no, you big baby!

I'll just put my jeans back on.

Honestly, Eric, it's fine. Looks good.

It looks fine, Mr Baird.
It really suits you.

Are you wearing anything underneath?

Well, yeah.

- Are you?
- Of course!

I'm not going to Latvia
and back wi' a bare arse.

[Whispers] I saw his bum
earlier when I was upstairs.

It was really hairy.

Colin is a true Scotsman.

Have you got nothing on under that?

- No.
- Aw, for God's sake!

There's food being served here!

- Maybe change the shoes, Eric.
- To what?

Well, boots or something
would look good.

That's what guys
normally wear wi' a kilt.

- I've no' got boots.
- I have!

Well, sort of high tops.

- What size are you?
- Nine.

Oh, snap.

Go and try them on.

Big size nine feet on the
end o' they wee dumpy legs.

He looks like somebody's put
him together at a jumble sale.

[TV in background]

Thanks, Beth.

You all right, Sophie?

Just a bit knackered.

Huh, you and me both, pet.

This is supposed to be me
getting a day to myself.

Do you want to go upstairs
for a wee lie-down?

Do you mind?

On you go.

Where's she going?

She's going up for a sleep.

Beth. Beth!

God bless, Beth. There we are.

Jaz, Jaz!

Let's get a look at the history,
see what Beth's been looking at.

Right, so lasagne recipes,
second-hand Fiat dealers, santander.

Here, I'll put something
in for her. You'll know it.

Latino monster cocks.

[Door opens]

Oof!

Eh, sorry, Mr Baird.

[Door shuts]

Aw, here he is. You took your time.

Aye, sorry.

How did you get on?

I switched everything off and
left it for a good five minutes

and then switched it
back on and it's fine!

As simple as that? Aye.

In fact, it looks as if that thing
you were buying has went through.

You're joking?

Naw. Hang on, I'll just
connect to the Wi-Fi here.

Jaz, password! [Snaps fingers]

I don't know.

Oh, it must be a hard one if
Jaz doesn't know it, eh, Beth?

It's all right, I've got it.

There you go - look!

Hang on, hang on! What's
going on? Has she got one?

She's got two.

Two?

Well, if you ordered
one when you came in here

and the original one went
through, then you've got two.

Aw, no. Aw, no, no.

Jaz, how could you let this happen?

It's fine. We'll just, we'll
just cancel one of them.

Beth, phone up and cancel yours.

- Mine?
- Well, it's on your card, so...

It's on my card?!

We used your debit card to buy it.

Oh, for God's sake!

Well, Christine'll give you
the money. It's all right.

Can I wait till the
end of September, Beth?

Right, who am I phoning?

Aw, hey, here he is.

Aw, hey, they look the business, Eric.

- Do you think?
- Oh, trainers are ideal.

Comfier, aren't they?

Aye, they dry oot quicker
than boots if you get hit by

the old water Cannon.

I hope they don't keep your
mum on hold for too long.

I was on the phone for
minutes last week to

a wee boy in Calcutta
about a fault in my oven.

By the time we'd finished,

I was for sticking my
head in the bloody thing.

What, er, what time are
we meant to be there?

Should we not be getting a jilldee on?

Hand baggage only, Eric.
We'll be through in no time.

Are you excited, Eric?

Aye, I am quite looking forward to it.

Not still wearing the pants, are you?

Aye, I am.

Aw, he's letting his country
down, isn't he, Colin?

He can do what he wants.

No! He should take them off!

We all want you to, don't we, Jaz?

- No!
- Oh, don't be such a spoilsport, Eric.

Colin's is tiny when it's soft
and he's still going for it.

- No!
- Booo!

[Beth] Right, that's it cancelled.

Well done, Beth.

Credit where credit's due.

You are amazing when it
comes to cancelling stuff.

Christine, I'm saying
that's it cancelled.

Beth, what d'you reckon?

Really?

Sure he shouldn't wear pants,
Beth? Tell him to go bare.

Christine, what are you doing?
I've phoned and cancelled it!

Take a look at this!

Cherry tomatoes, pence.

Cherry tomatoes,
pence, add to basket.

Oh, satsumas in the net, . .

Christine, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just doing a
wee online shop, Beth.

Ian's got me wired
up to your Wi-Fi here.

It's like lightning.

What else? Oh, carrots.

A kg bag.

Who's gonna buy that?
Bugs f*cking Bunny?

Toilet rolls. Where's Sophie?

She's still upstairs.

- Is she sleeping?
- I think so.

Ian, away and wake her up and ask
her if she wants Cushelle or Andrex.

Right. Well, I hate to be a pain
but is there any chance you could

finish that off next door?

What?

Well, I've got a hair appointment
this afternoon and, Eric,

you two will need to be getting
to the airport, will you not?

What am I going to do?

Aye, we should be thinking
of making tracks, actually.

As I say, I hate to be a pain...

What about Sophie?

Well, the boys'll be here.

Beth, can I come with
you to the hairdresser's?

[Mouths] I'm gonna get dreadlocks.

[Phone rings]

Oh, wait a minute.

Who is this?

Hello?

Speaking.

What?

It's about the Barneyboo.

Oh, for God's sake.

Sh! Sit down.

Now, don't tell me you don't have
it, because we've just checked

here and it's said it's gone through.

Good.

What?

Aw, no.

They don't have it in the blue,
they've only got it in the red!

Oh, God, no. Red's fine, Christine!

Are you joking?

Going about with that with the hood
up, she'll look like Postman Pat.

Pat!

The brolly, the brolly!

Hello?

Er, no, this is Mrs Baird.

I'm with Mrs O'Neil.

Er, no, she's on the
other line at the moment.

Hello, Pat, it's me.

Pat... They're asking
if she wants a refund.

- Christine...
- Sh, sh, sh.

Pat, are you there!

Answer machine.

Aw, hell's teeth!

Don't tell me that she's already
away out buying the brolly.

Look it's complicated.
There's a brolly involved.

Erm, Pat's buying the brolly.

Hello, Pat, can you phone me ASAP?

I'll not say much till I speak to you,

but there's been a
problem with the Barneyboo.

Oh, and by the way,

Asda have got satsumas
in the net for . .

Okey dokey.

Right, give me that.

Right, son, this is Mrs O'Neil now.

Let me get this straight.

You don't have the
buggy in the blue? Right.

You've only got it in the red?

Uh-huh.

And you don't know when you're
going to get blue ones back in?

Fine.

But, you have refunded
the money onto my card?

Good-oh.

Now, f*ck off.

What are we going to do?

So, then I said to her, "Well, I'm
thinking about using cloth nappies,"

and she says, "What d'you
want to use cloth nappies for?"

And I said, "Oh, cos they're
better for the environment."

And then she said, "Oh, you'll
no' be saying that when your

"environment's a sink
full of shitty nappies."

It's only nappies, innit?

It's not just nappies, it's everything.

It's shawls, cots, dummies.

One dummy's the same
as another, is it not?

Not after she's tested it out, it's not.

Well, at least you're
getting the buggy you want.

I'm not getting the buggy I want.

I only said yes to shut her up.

It's not exactly worked, has it?

No, you're right, it hasn't.

[sighs]

Oh

We should be getting a
move on, should we not?

Er, just wait a minute,
Eric, until we sort this out.

Have you not got the hairdresser's?

You're going nowhere, missus.

- What?
- Pat's already got the brolly!

Eh?

Pat's got the brolly, so
we need to get the buggy.

Now, Christine's on the phone to...

- Who are you on the phone to, Christine?
- Argos!

- Argos.
- I've still got this Vivaldi blaring in my ears.

The Four Seasons.

Feels like a f*ck of
a lot longer than that.

Oh, hello?! Hello, I wonder
if yous could help me...

Beth, you do Debenhams. Eric, you
do Mothercare. I'll do John Lewis.

... I'm phoning to enquire if you've
got a blue Barneyboo buggy in stock.

Er, Barneyboo.

"Barney" as in argument,

"boo" as in gie you a fright.

Do Halfords do buggies, Jaz?

- Er...
- Come on, Jaz, think!

I'll give them a try anyway.

Oh, useless bastards.

All right, who am I doing now?

TK Maxx, Christine!

Aw, bloody junkyard!

Oh, hello! Hello, yes...

All right, I'll give them a try anyway.

Aw, have you no'?

Ooh, yes, hello! I'm looking
for a Barneyboo in navy blue.

Aw, that's a shame.

And do you have it in
blue, by any chance?

Just out of interest, how much
are you doing screen wash for?

No, you don't, you've
only got them in red?

Ssh!

Oh, hello! I'm so sorry to trouble you,

excuse me, but we have a
bit of an emergency here.

So, my friend's neighbour's daughter
is pregnant, but Pat over the

back has already got the brolly but
we are looking for the Buggeryboo

to go with it, so I'm wondering if
you can help us with that at all?

Oh, no, don't put me on hold!

Aw, there she is.

I hope you're feeling nice and rested.

It's going like a
Filipino sweatshop in here.

- Mum, listen.
- Er, Christine.

Mum, will you listen? See this buggy...

- Christine...
- Mum!

What is it, Sophie?

Christine, they've got one!

I don't want it.

You what?

Sophie, what's the matter?

I don't want the buggy.

I've decided, and you can
tell Pat to forget the brolly

or whatever it is that she's
got to go with it as well.

Aw, no, no, no, no, no.

Mum! Will you listen?

It's my pregnancy and it's my baby

and I just want to be able
to choose my own stuff.

Erm, can you hold the
line for a minute, please?

Sophie, listen...

Sophie, we have done everything.

We have been sitting in here
working for you and your baby...

Cathy!

Sophie's right.

Maybe I have just got a bit
carried away wi' all of this.

I didn't mean it.

Honestly.

It's just that, wi' this being
my first and hopefully my last

grandchild, I just had my heart
set on getting everything right.

And when I saw that buggy,
I just thought, that's it.

I can just see Sophie
wheeling that about the town,

Pat's wee brolly on the
side keeping the sun out.

Mair like the rain, I think.

Ssh!

But, maybe you're right.

Even as the grandmother,

I should just keep my nose out.

It's a shame, but, hey-ho...

... if that's what you want.

Get the buggy!

Only if you're sure.

Get the buggy, but I swear,
from now on, I'm in charge.

Got it?!

Mm-hm!

Right, hello.

Yes, we'll take it.

Er, great.

And that's the Barneyboo...

- In blue!
-... and it's definitely Navy blue?

Great. OK, and we can pay
for it when we collect it?

Oh, that's great.

No, no, no - that's all.

Thanks for your help. Bye!

Hey-hey!

Oh, great.

Oh, Jaz!

[Phone rings]

Oh, ho! Oh, there's Pat.

Hello, Pat.

Yes.

What?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yes,

I'll let her know.

Thanks. Bye, Pat.

What was she saying?

It's about the brolly.

She has been everywhere and she
couldn't get it in the navy blue.

So she's got it in the red.

[Sighs]

[airport sounds]

[Airport announcement] This is a
passenger announcement, please...

Where are you travelling to today?

Riga. Ah, away for the football, eh?

Aye.

Any bags to check in?

No, no, this is us.

I can show you the inside
of my sporran if you like.

No. No, you're all right.

Passports?

First time over there?

- Aye, aye.
- I hear it's very popular.

Aye, what's not to like? Cheap
alcohol and plenty of fa...

Gate .

- Boarding in minutes.
- Thank you.

[Airport announcement] Passengers...

Here we go, eh! Excited?

Oh, I'm just excited to
get away fae that madhouse.

Christ, I've no' had a
moment's peace the whole day.

Just the boys now, eh?

Here, Eric.

- Oh, no.
- On you go.

It's a wee tradition, that.

Speaking of which, are you no' going
to do the true Scotsman thing, no?

Och, sod it! Why not?

That's the spirit!

Here, on you go in behind there.

- Eh?
- On you go.

Nip in there. Naebody'll see you.

[Beeping] [Trolley driving off]

Passengers cheer and laugh

Oh, sh*t!

You little...

[Cheers]