02x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

[Humming to music from radio]

[Gas hisses]

Beth, Beth!

Can you come through a minute?

What is it, Eric? I'm busy.

- Can you come through a minute?
- What is it?

Honestly, if this is you
with that stupid helium again,

I swear to God...

Well, what is it?

[High pitched] Nothing.

[Balloon squeak]

[Phone answer service] The person
you are calling is not available.

'Please leave a message after the tone.'

[Phone beeps] Right, Pat, that's : ,

Beth's house for Sophie's
baby shower thingmy.

Now, Beth's doing food,
so don't have any lunch.

We've just made do wae
some toast and banana.

Oh, and listen, Pat,
there's no smoking in there,

so you'd better have a right good
go at it before you come across.

Oh, and bring your electric thingy,

and your chewing gum...

and your patches.

Right, I'll see you later.

Oh, and, Pat, don't
bother wrapping that potty.

She knows exactly what you've
got her, so just save your paper.

Aye, right, see you later.

All right, okey, dokey, : . Bye.

Why do you not just text her?

Aw, do you know? I never even thought.

" : ".

"Don't eat, do smoke, bring potty."

Oh, smiley face.

♪ Mm, mm-mm-mm ♪

♪ Mm, mm-mm-mm ♪

♪ Mm, mm-mm-mm-mm-mm ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪

[Car door slams]

- [Together] Hi!
- Oh, there you are.

Oh, my goodness.

Aw! I whacked it off the corner
of a cardboard box, didn't I?

Oh, dear.

Ian said he thinks it's quite sexy.

Said I look like Amir Khan.

How are you? All set?

Getting there. In you go.

- All right, Dad?
- Aye, aye.

Hello, Mr Baird.

Hi, son. Bloody hell,
what happened to you?

- He walked into a box.
- And you thumped him just for that, Ian?

Bloody boxes all over the place.

You'd better watch in case
another one comes after you, Jaz.

Aaargh, help, there's a box chasing me!

- Are you making a cup of tea?
- Why not?

Here, watch where I'm going
in these f*cking shoes.

- What time do you think we'll be back?
- I don't know.

What time is it now?

Half two, half three, half four...

No, I'll stick this outside light on

in case Beth makes
me stay for my dinner.

- Have you got your phone?
- Yes!

I'll get you to take lots of
photos o' me with aw the presents.

We'll put it on Facebook.

- It's no just about presents, Mum.
- I know, I know.

Did you text your bank
details to your Auntie Marion?

[Breaths out]

- [Eric] Here, Beth, come here and see this.
- What?

Come here and see what Ian's got.

What is it?

[High pitched] Hello, Mummy.

Where's this cup of tea?
My throat's awful dry.

[All laugh]

You're as bad as each
other. I've told you,

you're not meant to do that!

That is so funny. Let me try.

[He coughs]

What is it?

Oh, no, I don't like
it. Tastes like poppers.

[Doorbell rings]

- Oh, you're here?
- Eh?!

Aye, well, it is my house, you know.

I thought it was just a women's thing.

I told you Ian and Jaz were coming.

I know, but they're no "men, men."

- Oh. Hi, Christine!
- Oh, there she is.

- Hi, Sophie.
- All right, Soph?

Hiya. Oh, wow, this is just...

Oh, my God! Jaz, what happened
to you?! Have you been beaten up?

No, no, no.

Was it cos you're Asian
or cos you're bent?

Mum!

All right.

Sorry.

Was it cos of your ethnicity.

or cos you're bent?

Neither. That's not what's happened.

- Was it you?
- No!

He bumped in to a cardboard box.

See, that can happen.

I cut the side of my mouth
when I was licking an envelope.

- Mind of that, Beth?
- I do.

Between that and the cold
sore on the other side,

I was like the f*cking Joker.

Right, Christine, can I
offer you something to drink?

Indeed you can, Beth.

What about a Prosecco?!

- Oh, lovely.
- Thanks.

Oh, there's a f*cking
strawberry in this.

- Well, yes.
- Is there supposed to be?

Yes. That's what you're supposed
to have for a baby shower.

Oh.

I don't really like
strawberries, Mrs Baird.

Could I maybe get a
bit of apple in mine?

Or... orange maybe?

Right. So, we've got the
celebration drinks, the cupcakes,

we'll do the presents,

then we'll have a toast
and maybe a few speeches.

- Who's doing speeches?
- Well... Erm...

Anyone who wants to.

Usually it's the parents,
grandparents and godparents.

Oh, here, I'd better text Pat
and tell her to bring her inhaler.

[They mouth]

So it's definitely just the
cupcakes we're getting, Beth?

Yes, just the cupcakes I made
myself from scratch this morning

and then iced by hand and covered
in pink and blue sprinkles.

Ah, it's just... we
havenae had our lunch.

It's fine.

Thank you, Mrs Baird, for
going to all this trouble.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- I'll go.

Hello, Eric. Can I come in?

I've lost my honey, please let me in.

Go on, stroke my nice soft fur,

you know you want to.

[They yell and laugh] sh*t!

Oh, dear God.

- [Both] Only us!
- Oh!

"Do eat. Smoke".

"Potty. Angry face."

How do you spell inhaler?

- Ach...
- Never mind. "Puffer."

Helloooo!

Oh, is this it? Where is everyone?

I'm having a separate
one for my friends.

Why?

[Belches]

Oh, hey, Sophie, look
at the size of you.

You sure it's a baby you've got
in there and no something else?

[They laugh]

It is hard to know what is
actually baby and what is fluid.

- [Cathy whispers] Oh, dear God.
- I was the same, though.

Oh, I was like a giant
bloody whale, Beth.

Big baby, eh?

Not necessarily. A big bump
doesn't always mean a big baby.

That's true. Although it did wae her.

I came out that hospital like
John Wayne after a bad curry.

Right, well, never mind, eh?

What about this, eh? I
wonder what this is, eh?

It's a present for Sophie.

"Raaaargh!"

- Oh.
- Thank you!

Could you no have got
one a wee bitbigger?

I think that's big enough.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Oh, Jaz, what's happened?

He walked into a box... apparently.

I walked into the edge
of a cardboard box.

We're moving house tomorrow
and we've got stuff everywhere.

Mm-hm, right. And what really happened?

Did you try to fire
into a straight guy, hm?

Most stressful thing in the
world they say, Jaz, moving house.

Hmm, you might have
another breakdown, Jaz.

He won't.

Are you still on antidepressants?

- Yeah.
- See, I don't think they work.

Right, let's get this started.

Everybody needs drinks. Eh Cathy?

Oh, champagne?

Prosecco.

Oh, here, watch, Cathy
- there's stuff floating in it.

Right, OK. So, it's the
Prosecco and then the cupcakes,

and then we'll do presents,
and then we'll have a toast,

and a few speeches and then there
might be a wee surprise after that.

Oooh! What, like a stripper?

- No, Cathy! It's not a hen night.
- Remember that one we went to for

the charity night for the kidney
machines and you got all that oil

in your hair?

What time is it?

Still no sign of Pat, eh?

No.

- She will love this.
- Yeah.

A special day.

A very special day.

Yeah.

Here, Sophie, going to loosen
the Velcro on my shoe, there?

That's it, it's just a bit
tight, the bandage. There we go.

So... keys to the new
place on Monday, then?

Yeah.

Youse excited? Where
did you say it was again?

Was it out past the
turn-off for the airport?

Aye, just before you
come to the big B&Q.

There's new flats on
the left-hand side there.

New place on Monday for these
two, Cath, out by the airport.

Oh, wow.

What's he up to?

Every time I go to the airport,
it reminds me of going on holiday.

A wee bit dicey out there, is it no?

Oh, yes, it is. Uh-huh.

- Is it?
- Well, it certainly used to be.

- It's all been regenerated, though.
- They'd need to have done something

because it was like the Wild
West. There was, like, gangs...

- Drug addicts.
- Beggars.

Oh, God, I hate beggars.

Interrupting me when I'm on the phone!

It'll be all right now, though.
I mean, if it's all been done up.

Look forward to the flat warming, Jaz.

I shall treat myself to a new s*ab vest.

[They laugh]

That's enough, Eric!

Honestly, Christine, he's been
at this all bloody morning,

inhaling it and doing the funny
voice. He thinks it's hilarious.

[Phone rings]

[Hi pitched voice] Hi, Pat.

[All laugh] [Squeaking noises]

Look, it was fine when we
went and did the viewing.

Mmm.

- I saw stuff written on a wall.
- What stuff?

"Gemma loves spunk."

Look, did you like the flat?

Well, yeah.

Did you feel safe when you were there?

Pretty much, yeah.

Well, I'm sure it's fine. That night
we went back for the second viewing

the streets were practically deserted.

Everyone was probably round at Gemma's.

Oh, yeah. Spunk.

You all right, Christine?

She's not coming.

Oh, no. Ach, what a shame!

Who's that?

Pat over the back.

No potty today, Sophie.

I wasted two f*cking
texts on her as well.

So, everybody all right for drinks, eh?

- Sophie?
- Oh, I'm fine, Mr Baird.

You should have a spritzer, Sophie.

That's what I had when I was on
the IVF. Well, if I was driving.

Actually, can I have
another orange, please,

with just a little bit of fizz in it?

Yeeees!

Go, Sophie! Go, Sophie! Go, Sophie!

Don't be getting pissed in there!

Here, Jaz! Jaz, come here.

Let me get a closer look
at that eye of yours.

Oh, aye, you see,

that remindsme of the
time that revolving door

at the carvery battered
me on the side of the face.

- Do you remember that, Sophie?
- Yes.

I was too busy watching the boy
wheeling in a fresh lump of gammon.

So, how long to go now, Sophie?

Oh, well, my due date's the th.

Oh, she could go any time, Cathy.

Oh, really?

Do you know if it's
wee boy or a girl yet?

I don't know, I didn't want to find out.

That's why I did pink and
blue ones, just in case.

Oh, and that's why I'm
going to take one of each.

Oh, close your eyes,
Sophie, and pick one.

No peeking.

Awful, awful dry sponge.

Oh, what's it going to be?

Oh, this is going to be a
sign. What's she going to have?

A dry f*cking mouth. Oh!

Oh, it's blue! She's
going to have a boy!

She's going to have a boy!

A wee boy, Eric, eh? A wee pee-pee.

Pee-pee

When my sister was pregnant, she didn't
know whether it was a boy or a girl

and we all thought it
was going to be a girl,

and it turned out it was a boy.

[laugh]

Right, has everybody had
a cupcake? There's plenty.

Oh, no, you're all right, Beth.

Christ, my mouth's like the inside
of an Arab's sandshoe as it is.

Shall we do the presents?

It's such a shame you're no going
to be getting the potty today.

Pat's bought her a potty,
it's got a princess on it.

- Awww.
- Princess Elsa.

Oh, it's a lovely deep one, Jaz.

And see when they sit on
it, it plays Let It Go.

Right, shall we start
with Ian and Jaz's?

This one?

Ohhh... What is it?

- It's a night light.
- Oh, is it?

"Bulb not included."

Guess who'll be taking
a trip to Wilko then, eh?

Beth, what are you doing tomorrow?

Here's another wee thing for
you, Sophie. There you go.

Thank you, that's really kind of youse.

- Oh, where's that for?
- Oh, it's for John Lewis.

Oh, thank you very much.

This is from Eric and I.

Thank you.

It's very practical cos
it sticks to the table.

I was thinking of getting
one for Eric as well.

Ha-ha(!)

Oh.

This is exciting.

- And where's that for?
- Oh, it's for Superdrug.

Oh. Och, well, I'll take it anyway.

I'll be needing some Toilet Duck.

Well, thank you very much, everyone.

Right. Well, let's get all
this paper cleared up. Eric?

Aw, no, I'll take it, Eric.

I can use that for lining the
bottom of the guinea pig's cage.

Aye?

Oh, aye, no shiny stuff, though,
because that doesnae soak up.

Can I do anything, Mrs Baird?

Bring through another bottle of
Prosecco, in case anybody wants.

Oh, I'll take one, son,
but no floaters for me.

So... you all packed
and ready to go, then?

Yeah.

Where did you say it
was again, this place?

Eastwood Drive.

Aw, aye, aye. No bad up there, actually.

Mind you, awful lot
of dogs off the lead.

- Is there?
- Oh, aye.

I'll tell you another thing, the
owners don't pick up after them.

The council have a hot
line for reporting it but...

who wants the reputation
of being a grass?

Know what I'm saying, Jaz?

Eh?

No with some of the
headcases that stay up there.

I mean, I suppose what you could do,

you could always pick it up yourselves.

- What?
- Well, somebody's got to dae it.

and nobody else that lives
up there gives a sh*t.

Oh, sorry.

Mind you,

then you risk the dog itself turning
on you, which is understandable.

I get annoyed myself if someone goes
into the cubicle straight after me.

And then, of course, there
was all that talk about getting

a paddling pool set
up in the living room.

Well, giving birth at home
can be a messy business.

And I said to the midwife,

"Where's all that going to get
emptied once it's all done?"

I mean, that wee drain at
my back door can hardly cope

- with the juice aff a roast dinner.
- Mum!

What?

Am I right, Ian?

[Whispers] Beth!

What?

What would happen if she had it now?

- Pardon?
- Sophie.

What would happen if it just
started... coming out of her now?

- We'd phone an ambulance.
- But what if it didn't get here in time?

Have you ever delivered
a baby before, Beth?

- No.
- Me neither.

You need to get her knickers
straight off and move her

- through on to the lino.
- No, Cathy!

We're here to wish her all
the best and to celebrate.

I am not shoving her into the kitchen

in case her waters suddenly break.

- You OK, Sophie?
- Yeah.

Oh, Ian, did you bring me
those cushions I asked you to?

- Oh, yeah.
- Where are you going?

I've got to get some stuff out the car.

♪ One for the money
and the free ride... ♪

Cathy!

What?! It's meant to be
a party, for God's sake!

It's a baby shower, Cathy! Honestly!

Any chance of a can of Stella, Eric?

[Music off]

[Car alarm chirps]

- I think we've made a mistake.
- What?

With the flat. We can't move
there. We need to pull out.

Whoa, ho, ho, hang on a
minute, what's going on?

Colin was just telling
me about the dogs.

What dogs?

They're sh1tting everywhere.

There's dogs sh1tting everywhere
and nobody's clearing it up

because they're too
frightened they'll get bitten.

Well, I'm certainly enjoying this.

Much better without the fruit.

I don't like strawberries.

Well, when I say I don't like them,

I mean, I don't NOT like them.

I like them in jam.

I like jam.

And I like toast.

I like toast and jam.

Actually, that's one of my favourites.

♪ These are a few of
my favourite things. ♪

Right, OK. So, let's have
the speeches, shall we?

Nooooooo!

Sophie, this is such a special day.

You're not going to
do a speech, are you?

So, we're supposed to
start with the mother to be.

No!

- Go on, Sophie. Just a few words.
- Aye, just a few.

Em, well...

Come on, Sophie, don't be shy.

OK. Erm...

Well, I don't really have much to say,

just... thank you for your
presents and thank you,

Mrs Baird, for having everyone over.

I just hope the baby
doesn't keep you up at night

with all the noise and
the crying when it comes.

Oh, we'll be fine. We're
used to it with Cathy.

They laugh

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha(!)

Erm, anyway, thank you for the...
the presents and for the vouchers.

I'll make sure I get
something nice with them.

- A mattress protector.
- And that's... that's it.

[all] Aw!

- Oh, yes
- Very good.

- Oh, another thing.
- Oh, f*ck off.

Today isn't just about me and the baby.

I think we should also be
having a toast for Ian and Jaz.

Aw!

- Oh, no, honestly.
- Uh-huh.

We should be celebrating
you getting your new flat.

- To Ian and Jaz.
- [All] To Ian and Jaz.

- What is it?
- Nothing.

What? What's the matter?

Well, we're going to have to have
a word with the estate agents.

Apparently the area's a bit mental.

- Really?
- Apparently.

At least that's what Colin
and Cathy were telling us.

Well I mean, I... I wouldn't say mental.

They said there were gangs and
people begging in the street,

and you said I'd have
to pick up dog's dirt.

- What?!
- What's this about dog's dirt?

Colin, what's going on?

Oh, there's nothing worse.

I'd sh**t the lot of them.

Mind that time you had to hose
down the pavement out there, Beth,

when that daft spaniel
got into your bin?

- Colin?
- Well...

I had you! You fell for it!

[Cathy and Colin laugh]

What?

- We were winding you up!
- Oh, my God, that's so funny!

You want to have seen him when I
says to him about picking up shite.

The wee lip was going and everything.

Aw, you can't b*at a good wind up.

You're a d*ck.

- Aw.
- Ian, it was just a joke.

Oh, aye, hilarious(!) Christ,
he's flaky enough as it is.

What?

I don't mean flaky, I mean
you worry about... stuff.

Do I?

Jaz, son, do you want a sedative?

One of my wee Mogadons and you'll
not give a f*ck where you live.

Some people just don't
have a sense of humour, Colin.

Just leave it.

So, it's the grandmother next.

That's you, Christine.

Oh, what do I do?

Just say a few words.

- Oh.
- Never usually a problem.

[Sophie laughs]

Oh, let me get sat
up then, eh? Right.

[Christine sighs]

Well, naturally I'm
disappointed at the no buffet...

About the pregnancy. About Sophie.

Oh, uh-huh.

Well, obviously...

Aw, heck.

Oh, you're all right, Christine.

I just can't believe it.

I mean, one minute she's your
wee lassie and the next thing you

know she's having
unprotected intercourse!

It's unbelievable, so it is!

Right, that's enough.

So, is that it then?

Well, the only other thing
is the godparents' speech.

Well, we can't have that, can we?

- How no?
- Well, Pat isn't here.

And who said Pat's the godparent?

Eh?!

Pat might not be the godparent.

What are you saying?

I might have already asked someone
or a couple of people.

What are you talking about, like who?

Mr and Mrs Baird.

You what?

I've asked Beth if her and Mr
Baird'll be godparents to the baby.

You've asked Beth and Eric

to be godparents to my grandchild?

[Awkward silence]

[Whimpers]

Pat can still video the birth
on her phone, though, can't she?

Well, I'll keep it brief.
I'd just like to say...

Later. Right, I've got
another wee surprise.

Ian, where are the cushions?

And, Eric, where's that
thing I asked you to get?

We're going to play a game
called Who's Got The Real Baby?

It's a bit like Pin
The Tail On The Donkey.

So, you get the cushion and
you stick it up the front of your

jumper, and then we all have to
guess whose is the real baby bump.

- OK? Who wants to be blindfolded?
- Me.

No. Mum, you do it!

Eh?! Do my mum, Mrs Baird.
Mum, put the blindfold on.

- No
- Come on.

No!

Come on, Christine!

[Sophie and Eric giggle]

Right, you'll need to
get stood up for this.

Aw, Sophie, Sophie, you'll
need to give me a hand up.

No, no, don't worry,
I'll give you a hand.

Right, careful, Beth, I
could fall on my arse here.

Oh, oh!

OK, everyone line up.

- OK, Sophie, you spin her around.
- Oh.

Jaz, can you move that out of the way?

No, she's right there. Ian, make
sure everyone's got a cushion.

Now that's it. No, one more.

- Oh, one more!
- Ooh, dizzy.

Right OK, Christine,

you're to guess which
bump is the real one,

which one's the baby bump. OK?

Right, OK. Where am I going?

- Over this way.
- No, no.

Over this way, to your right.

There you go. There. Right, that's it.

Ho, ho, ho, that's my wee pal there.

Right. Go down that line.

- Right, oh, oh.
- That's it, that's it.

Oh, oh, oh, right, Oh,
no. That's HIS wee pal.

Uh-huh.

[Inhales helium]

[High pitched] Get off me!

Stupid arse.

[Giggling]

Oh, no, no, no, that's not it.

No?

Oh, terrible smell of booze
and perfume. That's Cathy.

Right, Oh! Oh, oh, what's this.

Oh, this could be. Oh maybe.

Let me see. Oh, wait
a minute. Is it this?

Wait. Mmm, maybe.

No, it's definitely this one.

It's f*cking huge!

- [Laughter]
- Hey! Oh, for...

[All laugh]

- She thought you were Eric!
- It's not as big as that!

Sophie, what do
you make of that then?

Ah!

- Ah!
- What is it?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Mrs
Whyte! My waters are breaking!

- Beth! Beth, I told you!
- Calm down.

Let go! Get her off me!

Get her off me!

[Sophie giggles]

Cannae b*at a good wind up, eh?

[All laugh]

That's my girl! Oh, ya dancer!

Oh, come on! That was cheeky!

[They laugh]

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby ♪

♪ No, sir, I don't mean maybe ♪

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby now ♪

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby ♪

♪ No, sir, I don't mean maybe ♪

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby now ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby now ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪