01x07 - Smilin Jack

[bunniefuu]

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Doughnut!

♪ ♪

♪ It goes one for
the struggle ♪

♪ Two for the muscle cars ♪

♪ Three for the trouble ♪

[music stops]

- Tim!
- That's on me.

- That's on me.
- Oh, Lord.

Hey, guys.

Thank y'all for letting
me use the copier.

You needed that many copies?

No, I only made three copies, man.

The rest of this printer
paper's for my house.

[laughs]

Y'all coming to the show?

We wouldn't miss it, Doughnut.

See you there, Doughnut.

- Doughnut!
- [laughter]

Yeah, y'all gonna need more paper, man.

All right, no pressure.

Stop it.

- No pressure.
- Stop.

You know, when you say "no pressure,"

it just adds pressure.

I honestly don't mean
it like that, though.

- I know you don't, bud.
- You're my best friend.

You're my best friend.

Irv and Doris Smith are here to see you.

They don't have an appointment.

It's no worry, Sheila.
You can send them in.

Aw, Irv and Doris Smith.

What an unexpected pleasure.

Can we get you anything?

No, no, no. Thank you, dear.

Well, you're getting this hug.

I can tell you that. Come on.

Oh. Mm. Mm.

So what can we do

for Smith's Baby and Teen Kid Furniture?

Boys, we have to let you go.

[somber music]

It's not you.

It's nothing you've done.

It's just that, I mean,
we don't have the...

We have...

We have to prioritize our finances.

I see.

Uh... [chuckles]

This is some very unexpected news.

Uh, please allow me a
moment to process it.

[whimpering]

We just can't afford to advertise.

We can't. I mean, the business is...

We have to prioritize our finances.

I don't know what that means, Irv.

Boys, don't make this any
harder than it already is.

Please don't do this.

I will get revenge on you.

Are you threatening me?

We're gonna bury you
and your crap store.

Please take us back. We can change.

Oh, when we're done with you,

people are gonna laugh

when they hear the name

Smith's Baby and Teen Kid Furniture.

They'll laugh.

- Let's go, Doris.
- Yeah, go!

Go on, get out of here.

Who needs you?

Please don't do this, Irv.

I'm sorry. We've made our decision.

Okay. Okay, great.

Good riddance. We'll see
you guys around, okay?

- Good-bye, boys.
- Yeah, good-bye.

I hope the elevator falls as you get in

and it chops you in half.

Tim.

♪ Next time ♪

♪ When they ask you ♪

♪ Where you're from ♪

♪ You gon' say Detroit city ♪

♪ When we get back
on our feet, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[soft music]

Bet it's just a mistake.

I bet Irv and Doris call us tomorrow

and ask us to come back.

I wouldn't go back to them

if Irv pleasured me orally.

Or maybe we go to them

and beg them to take us back,

you know, tell them we'll work for free.

I wouldn't work for them
if Irv pleasured me orally.

- You keep saying that.
- Oh, sorry.

Yeah, it's just 'cause of
that billboard up there.

Smilin' Jack.

What amateur put him on a
billboard with his mouth open?

[laughs]

I mean, every ad might as well come

with a stepladder and a
giant can of spray paint.

Smilin' Jack is Irv and Doris's

number one competitor in furniture.

He sells furniture?

Yeah, lookit, right by the pubes.

You see it says "furniture"?

Oh. He'd be a great client.

- Irv would be so pissed.
- [laughs]

[funky music]

♪ ♪

[elegant piano music playing]

♪ ♪

I have never eaten here before.

This is really, really nice.

Well, only the best for our client.

I'm not your client just yet.

[laughter]

Well, we'll see about that.

[laughter]

Can I start you gentlemen
with something to drink?

Oh, here we go.

I'm good with just water.

You sure? The bar has everything.

Oh, no, no, thanks. No, I don't drink.

Do you mind if we drink?

No, no, no, of course not.

- Oh.
- [laughs]

So, like, I almost started to tear up.

Oh, my God, I fricking crapped my pants.

Yeah, man, I'm like, "Oh, no."

Yeah, "What am I gonna do here?"

I'll have a double
bourbon and a Vernors.

I'll have a giant glass
boot filled with beer.

I'm sorry. We don't have that.

Well, then your bar
doesn't have everything.

Sam.

You know, I really... I
hate to waste your time,

but I'm really not looking to
do more advertising right now.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, no.

Okay? I'm so sorry.

Yeah, no worries. I hear that.

Okay, that gives me a
certain amount of relief.

- Definitely hear that.
- Thank you.

How you feeling?

I'm in the sweet spot,

not too drunk, not too sober.

Me, too, baby. Let's go in for the k*ll.

You got it, pal.

Jack, you're known all
over town as the guy

with a d*ck in his mouth.

Well...

it's not just dicks.

- No, it's not.
- It's not.

- I've seen boobs.
- Yes.

- I've seen poop.
- I have too.

I've seen a butt pooping boobs.

- Yup, yup.
- I've seen Andre the Giant.

I've seen that. Don't
get it, but I've seen it.

And let's not forget
about the speech bubbles.

- Yup, yup.
- "I'm hungry for turds."

That's right by my church.

- "I'm thirsty for dongs."
- Mm-hmm.

"Feed me wieners."

Do you think it's just one guy?

No, Jack.

But we at Cramblin-Duvet

can put an end to all that nonsense

by rebranding you

in a television commercial.

To be honest, the billboards
don't really bother me, okay?

I actually... I think
they're kind of funny.

You know what I mean?

Young man, I know what you're doing.

You're busted. Yeah, that's great.

You're using forced perspective

to make it look like I'm
fellating that bread stick.

Grow up. Grow up.

Oh, and there we go. Dinner roll balls.

Dinner roll balls, really original.

You know what? I am tired of this.

Sign me up. Let's do this.

- All right.
- Oh, man, okay.

Champagne... of beers.

You've already had five drinks each.

- Just bring them!
- What's your problem, man?

Oh, I am really excited right now.

- This feels good.
- It's gonna be great, Jack.

Whoo!

[laughs]

[soft music]

[laughter]

You guys, uh...

Are you guys okay to drive?

Drive? I'm not okay to walk.

[laughter]

Okay, well, come on.
I'll give you a ride.

- Thank you so much.
- Shotgun!

- Oh, come on.
- Here you go, buddy.

Thanks. [laughs]

You guys heading back to the office?

Yeah, but we need to make

a little stop somewhere along the way.

- Okay.
- Oh, sweet.

♪ Oh, what the
future holds for me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Hello, Doris, Irv.

We just landed a little
account that we like to call

Smilin' Jack's Furniture.

It's the premier adult
furniture store in town.

And not p*rn furniture.
He doesn't mean that.

No, I mean furniture for adults,

the big time, the show.

We met at a conference once.

- Yes, Jack.
- Of course.

How's your mother, dear? How's her hip?

It's really nice of you to remember.

She's back on her feet again,

just trying to keep those damn squirrels

out of her bird feeder.

[laughter]

Enough!

What are you doing here, Irv?

Construction dude, blueprints.

I thought you had to
prioritize your finances.

Yes, we're using our
entire advertising budget

to build a giant bunk bed on the roof.

We think that will raise
awareness of the store.

How big a bunk bed we talking about?

- feet.
- [whistles]

- Oh, cool.
- Whoa. Stupid.

It's too big.

Come on, Sam. We got
a lot of work to do.

We wish you boys nothing
but the best of luck.

And we hope your store burns down.

No, we don't.

And the fire department
can't find a fire hydrant,

so they have to put
the fire out with piss!

Tim, come on.

You really think a giant bunk bed's

gonna be better than
one of our commercials?

I guess I do.

[scoffs]

Guys, I really got to
get back to the store.

See you around, Irv.

See you, Doris.

Say it meaner.

[gruffly] See you, Doris.

[laughs]

Best of luck to you guys,

and I'll say hi to my mother for you.

[bleep] [bleep]!

Whoo!

A bunk bed.

We've been replaced by a bunk bed.

We need an idea.

Oh, I got it.

What if he has a pumpkin head

and he's Smilin' Jack-o'-Lantern?

Tim, that's your third
Halloween idea so far.

Oh, what if he's a wolf man,

and he's always howling
about low prices?

You know, I don't think
we should draw attention

- to what his mouth is doing.
- It's just his head.

- You don't see his mouth.
- How does he talk?

You're a fricking brick wall tonight.

I know. I know. I know. I'm sorry.

There's no bad ideas.

A spooky skeleton.

Ooh. [laughs]

What?

What if... [laughs]

What do you got?

Is this my wolf man idea?

No, Tim. Let me get this down.

Oh.

- Oh, wow.
- [laughs]

- And then this.
- Oh, my...

Oh, that is cute!

- [laughs]
- This is cute!

- Yup!
- Mm-hmm.

Yes!

Yes, Sam!

What if a witch flies in?

- No, Tim.
- Put it in!

- I'm not.
- Sam...

this might be your masterpiece.

[upbeat music]

This is funny. Really good, guys.

And the end is really sweet.

- Yeah.
- Just it's a lot to remember.

You are going to be fine.

All you have to do is, you
are gonna step over here,

and you're gonna say,
"My furniture is so nice,

when you see it, you'll pop."

Then you're gonna pop
one of these balloons.

Then you say, "My selection is so wide,

you'll go off your rocker."

Then grandma flips
backwards off the rocker.

Then you head over here, and you'll say,

"When you see my prices, you'll go ape,"

and then in comes the ape,

and we're gonna see a little
more energy from the ape.

A lot more.

And then it goes on and on from there.

You'll for sure get... Oh, one thing.

- Yeah.
- When you smile...

- Keep my lips closed.
- That's right. He's got it.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Chrissy.
- Sam.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hey, babe.

I just wanted to stop
by and wish you luck.

- Thank you so much.
- I'm gonna go home and change.

But don't forget,
tonight's Doughnut's show.

Oh, yeah, I will be there.

Tim, tonight means a lot to Doughnut.

Promise me you'll make it.

I promise you that I will be there.

We'll both be there.

Nobody cares if you're there.

You're flat as a board,
and everyone knows it.

- Sam. I'll be there.
- Thanks.

- Yeah.
- Good luck, everybody.

Smith's Baby and Teen Kid Furniture

can suck my d*ck.

All right, everybody, let's sh**t one.

Smilin' Jack Furniture, take one.

And action.

My furniture is so nice,

when you see it, you'll pop.

My selection is so wide,

you'll go off your rocker.

And my prices are so low,

you'll go ape.

Scheisse.

Cut.

- Hey, Jack.
- Mm-hmm?

- Are you okay?
- Yes. [laughs]

Oh, God, yes. I'm sorry.

I am so sorry, guys. I
just... I got a little scared.

There was a... an ape
was barreling down on me,

and you just go on the
defensive, you know?

- Yeah, that's okay.
- Yeah, yeah.

You had never seen him with the head on.

As a matter of fact, Mike,

maybe put the head on so
Jack can see you with it?

That's not necessary. I'm not stupid.

I'm not an idiot, okay?

I can see that he's not a real ape.

- Yeah.
- So, uh...

[laughs] Can we just go again?

- Yup. Uh, you sure?
- Yeah.

I am sure. I'm % sure, yes.

I'm sorry, everybody.

Smilin' Jack, take two.

And action.

My furniture is so nice,

when you see it, you'll pop,

and my selection is so wide,

you'll go off your rocker.

My prices are so low,

you'll go ape.

Holy sh*t!

- Cut.
- Oh, man.

I'm sorry. I am sorry. That's me.

Let's just go again,
please. That's the last time.

This is the last time, I promise.

I promise. That's embarrassing.

Boy, oh, boy.

[laughs]

Smilin' Jack, take three.

My prices are so low,

you'll go ape.

No, don't.

Take four.

My prices are so low

that you'll go ape.

[exhales deeply]

- [screams]
- Cut.

Oh!

Smilin' Jack Furniture, take .

It's not a real ape.

It is not a real ape.

[bleep].

.

You'll go ape.

Take .

You'll go ape.

- [screams]
- Cut.

Guys, that's a natural reaction.

Come on, Jack. Get it together!

How are you getting more scared?

Guys, I'm sorry. Hey, listen.

Maybe we can just, um, lose the ape part

and skip straight to the gymnast
who's flipping over my prices.

We can't just lose the ape part, Jack.

I mean, you can't go
from grandma to gymnast.

It doesn't make any
sense. I mean, am I crazy?

No, you're not.

The script is not the problem here.

- Oh.
- I'm sorry.

- Oh, okay.
- No, no, no.

Hey, look, why don't
we just take a break?

We'll regroup, and we'll calm down.

I'm calm.

- We've done takes.
- Yeah.

We're not even close.

We're gonna miss Doughnut's show.

Maybe we should just simplify it.

No way. Right now,
the Smiths are sitting

on their giant bunk bed,
and they're laughing at us.

This next take is the
one. I can feel it, Sam.

He's ready.

[screams]

He's ready.

Detroit, show your love

for Doughnut Perkins.

What's going on, y'all?

How y'all feeling, huh?

[laughs] That's right. Doughnut!

[laughs]

You know what drives me crazy, y'all,

is nerdy white guys
who marry black women.

Am I right?

I mean, look at this
nerdy white guy right here.

Uh...

[stammers]

[whispering] Chrissy, where's Tim?

- He had to work.
- What?

He was my whole set.

I'm sorry, Doughnut.

Uh...

uh, moving on, y'all.

Doughnut! [laughs]

You ever... so basically, um...

- Did I miss it?
- Yes, you missed it.

I am so sorry, Doughnut.

You should be, man.

I was counting on you, Tim.

I'm never gonna forgive you for this.

You either, Sam.

What'd I do, Doughnut?

[sighs]

Can we have two Downrivers, please?

The body was found
dead in an apartment

the FBI is claiming belonged
to the real Santa Claus.

More after these messages.

Smith's Baby and
Teen Kid Furniture

is the only place you need to go

for your teens and babies.

I said babies, Irv, not babes.

Smith's Baby and
Teen Kid Furniture.

Ask for Irv and Doris Smith.

We'll be here.

Aw.

We sh*t that commercial in one take.

Then Irv and Doris had us
over to their house for dinner.

I miss them so much.

Why did they do this to us?

[bluesy music]

♪ ♪

Guys...

I don't want to run the ad.

Oh, thank God, 'cause that thing

is turning out like pure crap.

Thank you for saying that.

I can't imagine what else it could be.

Yeah. Oh, whew!

It's okay, though. It's okay.

You know, what we can do for you is,

we can set you up with
some new billboards.

Guys, I don't want to
do the billboards either.

Advertising, it's...

it's brought me nothing

but pain and embarrassment.

I...

[sighs] Look, I think we should
just go our separate ways.

[laughing]

Un... be... lievable.

I mean, first, you ruin
our perfect commercial.

- Yeah.
- Then you fire us?

Ooh, I want to bounce your head

against every glass
window in this place!

Listen, fellas, fellas,
I think we all know

that this wasn't working out.

All that means is that
we need to try harder.

Tim, I just think...
I think it's over, okay?

Welcome back. Are you ready to order?

- Is this on you?
- Of course.

All right, then I guess I'll
just have a surf and turf.

Yeah, I'll do the surf and turf as well.

Yeah, and the calamari to split.

Can we get mozz sticks
with all the dips?

Yeah, and then maybe a bowl of
pasta to split for the table.

Do you get bread sticks with the dips?

And a triple bourbon and a Vernors

and an arancini ball.

What is that?

It's, like, an Italian rice dish,

sometimes with mac and cheese.

Mac and cheese too, yeah.

Yeah, we'll take that one too,

please, with a little dip.

- And for you, sir?
- Oh, I'll just share with them.

This guy. Can you believe it?

[yelling] Can you fricking believe it?

Shh, calm down, Sam.

[funky music]

Now that I've had time to process it,

I'm not even mad anymore.

Nah, Smilin' Jack's a piece of sh*t.

- [chuckles] What a week.
- Yeah.

You know what would make me
feel good right about now?

Going to see a giant
-foot-high bunk bed

on top of a baby and
teen kid furniture store?

- Exactly that.
- Let's do it.

♪ ♪

Sam, Tim, hello.

How's it going?

Not too good.

Turns out nobody cares
about our giant bunk bed.

feet seems big until you put it

way up there on top of the roof.

This was supposed to be just
the first step in a grand plan.

Doris had the idea to
have two inflatable teens

getting into the bunk bed.

- Preteens, dear.
- Sorry, preteens.

Beautiful, beautiful preteens.

You know, fuzz above the boy's lip

and gorgeous, innocent
faces just covered in zits.

Best part...

we were gonna have a pump
attached to the boy's crotch.

You know, teen boys
just can't control it.

Now, it's not that he likes
his sister in that way.

It's just that, well,
they do share a bedroom,

and things get confusing.

Now it's never gonna happen.

Boys, would you like to hear

the world's saddest nine-word novel?

For sale,

shoes for two inflatable preteens,

never used.

Boys, will you take us back?

Only if you'll have us, Irv.

Oh!

[soft piano music]

♪ ♪

Would you boys like to come
over for dinner tonight?

Actually, there's someplace
we'd like to take you.

[sniffling] Oh.

You know what drive me crazy

is nerdy white guys
that marry black women.

Am I right?

Look at this nerdy white guy right here.

Oh, his black wife
cook him collard greens,

he's like, "Oh, thank
you for the green beans."

[laughter]

Old small-ass d*ck.

His wedding day, he was like, "I do."

His wedding night, he
was like, "Uh, I'm in."

[laughter]

What was your first dance, the Macarena?

[laughter]

[mouthing words]

Old dumbass white boy.

[laughter]

Doughnut!

Whoo!

Oh, sh*t, there's two old white people.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Can somebody tell me what
the "Titanic" was like?

[laughter]

Doughnut!

Doughnut.

Synced and corrected by louvette
http://www.addic ed.com