02x05 - Farmer Zack

[bunniefuu]

- [LAUGHTER]
- "Pony" by Ginuwine comes on,

and Sam walks straight
to the middle of the room,

clears a big circle,

won't let anybody else dance...

I drop down to the ground

and start doing the worm.

And boom! My pants split wide open.

No underwear! Butt everywhere!

Man, it was so bad,

the principal had to give Sam his pants.

- [LAUGHTER]
- I still have 'em.

- You do?
- They fit! They fit!

[LAUGHTER]

Well, I have a funny prom story.

- Yes!
- Okay, okay.

So our theme was Under the Sea.

Except they put stars on the ceiling.

Well why would there
be stars on the ceiling

if we're under the sea?!

[LAUGHING]

Who does that, you know?

Uh, yeah.

I guess there wouldn't be...

- No.
- Ha, ha!

Ah, man, hilarious.

Then I was voted prom
queen, so, you know, so dumb.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you so much.

I love your hair.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, Chrissy does YouTube hair tutorials.

They're pretty popular.

Oh, I love YouTube!

Yeah, I have lots of videos on there

of me singing gospel songs.

So many views, it's embarrassing.

- So dumb.
- Totally.

And now it's time for Mort Crim's

Chump of the Week.

- Oh, here comes Chump.
- There we go! Morty!

This week's chump is my
son's best friend Tucker.

If you're coming to someone's
house for a sleepover,

you don't get a nosebleed.

That's all my stuff
you bled on, Tucker.

Classic Chump.

Up next, watersports and weather.

♪ If you want to save money... ♪

Oh, I love this commercial.

Well, it's one of ours.

You know that's Sam singing, right?

Really?

- You're so cute.
- Eh, actually I'm sexy.

♪ Dime after dime ♪

♪ It's an undeniable fact ♪

♪ And it's always bargain
time at Farmer Zack's ♪

♪ You get your nickels back ♪

♪ And it's always bargain
time at Farmer Zack's ♪

Who is that you're singing with?

Uh, you know,

I don't quite remember.

Something like that kind of
is, like, can slip the mind.

Sam, that's Molly.

Is it, Chrissy? What a
fantastic memory you have.

Yeah, we've been doing Sudoku puzzles

so we don't go nuts when we're old people.

♪ And it's always bargain
time at Farmer Zack's ♪

Who's... who's Molly?

♪ Farmer Zack's ♪

Just an acquaintance.

An acquaintance?

You used to call her your soulmate.

Ex-girlfriend.

I guess that's why you
guys sound so passionate.

Ah, it's just a commercial, babe.

Who cares? I mean, it's not like I came.

- Ohhhh, man!
- Sam!

What? I said I didn't come.

I don't normally comment
on the commercials,

but that grocery store commercial

makes me just a little horny.

♪ Next time ♪

♪ When they ask you ♪

♪ Where you're from ♪

♪ You gon' say Detroit city ♪

♪ When we get back on our feet, yeah ♪

[SMOOTH MUSIC]

Yes, sir.

♪

Ho, ho, sh*t!

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, that is it right there!

Mm.

Oh, uh, can I... Can I get a Whopper?

The hell's that? Is that some kind of joke?

Yeah, of course it's a joke.

I think it's funnier than you do, actually.

Well, Tim, I had this great idea.

It's just... it kind of made me laugh.

I was like, what if...

Get this... we re-recorded
the Farmer Zack jingle

with me and Shannon singing?

Ugh.

Shannon's jealous 'cause
it's you and Molly.

No. Shannon didn't even mention it once.

Yet.

But man, it's so awkward, you know.

It comes on all the time.

So let's re-record it.

Sam, people love that jingle.

Yeah, but they'll love the new jingle

even more.

Plus,

Shannon's a professional singer,

she's my girlfriend,

and we're doing it, so...

Yeah, you know what? Fine.

But it's only because I want
you and Shannon to be happy.

Thank you, buddy.

But tell me this, my friend...

How's the sex?

We don't have to do that.

I'm sorry. I apologize.

- It's a joke.
- Okay.

- It's all part of the...
- I mean...

Yeah.

Crap, now I'm picturing you pumping.

Now I'm picturing you pumping.

For the life of me,
I can't understand,

why would you steal Kotex?

Do you even know what they are?

Look at me!

Do you know what my daddy
would do if he found me

stealing some Kotex?

He would b*at my black ass.

You better look at me. I ain't playin'.

I'll put my foot so deep in your ass

you'll be walking on my knees.

Tomata, you're banned from the store.

Now get your ass outta here!

Better take that look off you...

You take that look off your face.

- You can't steal, buddy.
- Ooh! Sam!

Hey, guys. What can I do you for?

Randy, we think it's about time

you update that commercial of yours.

Are you crazy? People love that commercial.

Yes, they love it. But it's outdated.

Yeah, times are changing,

and people want a grocery
store that changes with them.

Let's walk! Tell me what
you're talking about.

Let's walk, let's walk.

You got to check, because
they be stealing the toys

in here, you know what I'm sayin'?

You put little ski masks in there,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Chocolate Duke, baby.
You can't... [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, well it's just Count Chocula.

Hmm?

Randy, we were thinking,

for the new commercial, we
could update the song, uh,

with different prices for the holidays,

like, uh, "for the th of July,

hot dogs are . ."

That price just blew my mind..."

Mike!

Don't squeeze the melons like that, man,

I can smell your fingers on it!

I don't do that anymore.

I'm lookin' at ya, man.

No, I'm looking at 'em to buy.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. My apologies, man.

Tsunami of apologies to you.

Okay, that's fine. You can update the song,

but we gotta do something
with this g*dd*mn character.

- Yes.
- We gotta update him,

you know what I'm sayin'?

We need to get rid of this hat,

give him some black shades, and a...

Like a black shirt,
let his muscles pop out.

You want Farmer Zack to lose the straw hat

and have a tight black shirt?

- That's it.
- Yeah.

Yeah, we could do that, though.

That's what I mean. Mike!

What you doing, man?!

- He just had his d*ck in a melon.
- Oh.

He's got his d*ck in a melon!

Oh, she's buying the d*ck melon.

- She's buying the d*ck... ma'am!
- Ma'am!

- Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am!
- Ma'am!

A man had his penis in that.

I'll get you a new one.

_

Mm-hmm.

_

[SIGHS]

- Oh, babe.
- Hm?

- Got some exciting news.
- What?

We just hired an amazing gospel singer

to sing the new and improved
Farmer Zack's jingle.

Is it that raggedy bitch Bebe Jenkins?

Oh, no, babe, uh, it's...
I was talking about you.

Just trying to be sweet. It's you.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my... that'll be so much fun.

Babe, you're the cutest.

Ah, actually I'm the sexiest.

But yeah, we can re-record the jingle

and never hear the old one again.

Good. Because you acted so weird

when it came on the other day.

Sam, I'm not bothered

by you and your ex being so sexual,

'cause...

we can be sexual, too.

- Oh.
- And not just in the studios.

Yeah.

Goodnight.

Hey, YouTubers, it's your girl

Chrissy-Cross comin' at you

with that new hotness...

A natural hair up-do.

Just follow the steps in this tutorial,

put on a dress that shows off your figure,

and get out of the house!

Why are you talking like that?

Dang it, Tim. Get out of the sh*t.

Sam is gonna re-record
the Farmer Zack's jingle

with Shannon.

- Really?
- Mm-mh.

Sam and Molly had such good chemistry

in that song.

- And no offense to Shannon...
- None taken.

But it just won't be the same.

- I know.
- I mean,

she's a perfectly nice girl.

- Perfectly nice.
- But you can tell

when two people just
aren't right for each other,

Yeah. When Sam's around her,

he's completely lost his star factor.

- What?
- His star factor.

That special something
that makes you go from

a face in the crowd to a face in lights.

- You gonna tell him?
- No.

I'm gonna pretend to be supportive.

Good for you.

Now get out of here. I'm making a tutorial.

And don't cross through in the background.

Why not?

'Cause when you do,

people in the comments section roast you.

I mean, they light you up.

[SCOFFS] Like I care what
people who watch your tutorials

say about me.

What is one?

"When did Chucky grow up and get ugly?"

Chucky grow up to get ugly?!

Chucky's ugly as a boy!

Bad logic. Next.

[SIGHS]

"Look like the McRib is back."

[SPUTTERING] How am I a McRib?!

I'm a man with a big old hog!

Put that in the video! I... I don't care.

Ha, ha, that's... I don't care.

Okay, then.

Hey, YouTubers, it's your girl,

Chrissy Cross, coming to...

What you got to say about this right here?

Tim, no!

BOTH: ♪ And it's always
bargain time at Farmer Zack's ♪

♪ You'll get your nickels back ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yeah, it's always
bargain time at Farmer Zack's ♪

♪ Farmer Zaaaa... ♪

♪ Aaaack's ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ Whoo!

In His name. How was that?

That was great, babe.

- Good?
- Great job!

Great job.

That wasn't sexy.

Not at all.

It was like feeling up a girl

and there's turds in her bra.

Turds in her bra? Why would
she have turds in her bra?

It's a prank, idiot.

Ugh.

♪ Farmer Zaaaa... ♪

♪ Aaaack's ♪

I don't like it, guys.

It's not making me horny.

- I'm sorry?
- It didn't give me wood.

Look. No wood. Flat as a board. You know?

Well, that's a piss dot right there.

Sometimes when I urine, I
don't stop it all the way.

And, you know, it comes out on my clothes.

I mean, I don't know what you guys did.

You did something different, but...

Well, actually, we brought
in a professional singer.

Mm-mm. Bring back that nice lady.

- What's her name?
- Molly.

Yeah. About this farmer thing.

Yeah, we gave him the tight black shirt,

and we gave him the cool sunglasses.

Good. But you know what I'm thinking?

Leather pants.

Farmer Zack's gonna wear leather pants?

And...

a black trench coat.

Yeah, we can do all that.

Thanks, guys.

Well, this sucks.

I mean, re-recording the
song with my ex-girlfriend's

gonna be much more awkward.

Yeah, I completely agree.

I mean, the Shannon and me version

is better than the Molly and me version.

- Technically.
- Yeah, technically.

I just Randy's probably
just coming from a place

where he feels the other
version was more fun.

Yeah, I see that.

But the version with Shannon was great.

- [TOGETHER] Technically.
- Technically it is.

- Technically.
- Technically.

[GROOVY MUSIC]

Hey, pig.

Get ourselves some lettuce and tomato,

and we got ourselves a BLT.

Careful. Before I turn this body cam off

and go to town on your ass.

You ain't wearing a body cam.

Whoops.

[LAUGHTER]

There she is. How are you, Molly?

- Hey, good.
- Great to see you.

- Good to see you too, Tim.
- Yeah.

Sam, you're looking well.

And sexy, I know.

Molly, I need to talk to you.

I'll give you some space.

Molly, we're sh**ting a new
Farmer Zack's commercial.

And we need you to sing the jingle again.

- With you?
- Yeah, with me.

Like last time?

Hey, babe.

Like last time.

My name is Tim.

Well, I ain't seen anything pretty as you

in about a minute or two.

[CHUCKLES] Doubt it.

Shut up. Sorry, Tim.

It's fine. I actually need this right now.

Somebody called me Chucky on the Internet.

Like a handsome version of Chucky?

[LAUGHS] You. Shut up.

[GIGGLING]

Sam, the last time we sang that song,

we were in love.

Yeah, we almost got engaged.

I put a ring in a piece of cake.

I ate the cake.

And then, when we went through your stool,

there were two diamond rings in there.

That's how I knew you were cheating on me.

Sam, I'm still so sorry about that.

We don't have to go down that road.

Just... re-record the
jingle with me, okay?

Yeah, sure.

I figure I owe you one.

Molly? Can I get your set of keys?

He wants to get let out of there.

He wants to get a better look at my body.

No! He m*rder*d someone.

Ricky!

♪ It's bargain time at Farmer Zack's ♪

[GIGGLES] ♪ Farmer Zack's ♪

- It's just so catchy.
- [MUMBLING]

♪ If you wanna save money... ♪

Maybe that's enough singing for tonight.

Hey, YouTubers, it's
that Chrissy-Issy-Issy

coming at you with
another hairstyle...

"I love your tutorials,

but your husband's not hot enough for you."

Disagree.

"Gross husband." Disagree.

"This girl's married to the Penguin."

No, she's not! Disagree!

"Watch out, Chrissy, there's
a fat ghost in your room."

Bullshit!

[EXHALES]

[GRUNTS]

Listen up, society.

You are now ordered

to cease and desist the teasing

of one Tim Cramblin.

We are the agents of chaos.

Stop teasing him!

Tim, you clogged the toilet again.

As if.

Stop putting baby wipes in the toilet.

- Shut up.
- What?

Nothing. Sorry, sweetheart.

Yeah. I love the trench coat,

the tight muscle shirt,

the leather pants...

Oh, the shades, the shades.

Yeah. You know what'd be really cool?

If we made him black.

Yeah.

Hell yes! And you know what?

I wouldn't be mad if he had a sword.

Yeah, but Tim, what if Molly and I

reach the same depths of
sexuality as last time?

I mean, that would be cheating, right?

Yeah, it would, but you'll be fine.

I mean, I dressed down
to look less attractive.

Sorry, bud.

You look like a friggin' smoke show.

I know. I'm a hot piece of ass.

- Perfect ten.
- Mm-hmm.

Girls want to bang me,
and guys want to be me

being banged by them.

Sucks.

Maybe I shouldn't do this.

Calm down. It's just Molly.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[SENSUAL JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ Some women can make a man ♪

♪

♪ A very good wife ♪

♪ But let me tell you, crooked woman's ♪

♪ Not worth the sacrifice ♪

♪

♪ Oh well, I don't want no ♪

♪ Crooked wom...

Hi, Sam.

Hey, Molly. You look great.

Thanks. I was in a prostitution sting.

High-end.

Well, I bet you got a lot of offers

for HJs or BJs or whatever's
else was on the menu.

I bet they wanted it all.

Who cares? Molly, come on. Let's do this.

Okay, you two. Make love to my ears.

Bareback, baby. No Jimmy. Raw dog.

[PIANO MUSIC]

♪ If you w...

Sorry, I, uh...

- [LAUGHING]
- Can you start over?

You came in a little late there.

- Yeah, I did.
- [LAUGHING]

Oh, my God, super cute.

Let's do it again, okay?
Raw dog. No raincoat.

Sam, I like your outfit.

You look sexy.

♪ If you want to save money ♪

♪ More than just some of the time ♪

♪ It's an undeniable fact ♪

♪ If you want to save dollars
dime after dime after dime ♪

♪ It's an undeniable fact ♪

BOTH: ♪ And it's always
bargain time at Farmer Zack's ♪

♪ You get your nickels back ♪

BOTH: ♪ And it's always
bargain time at Farmer Zack's ♪

♪ Farmer Zack's ♪

♪ Cupid's got a secret ♪

♪ Chocolates just . ♪

♪ Perfect for your Valentine ♪

♪ For your romantic dinner ♪

♪ Bring home a bottle of wine ♪

♪ You'll have a really good time ♪

BOTH: ♪ And it's always
bargain time at Farmer Zack's ♪

♪ Farmer Zack's ♪

♪

Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have genuine wood.

- Oh!
- Huh?

Look at that!

That's a piss dot right there,

but it's old.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

♪

Tim, back at the studio,

- I came.
- Cool.

I mean, there's a chemistry there.

- I can't explain it.
- Yeah.

I mean, Shannon's so nice.

So nice.

Tim, I don't know what to do.

I think you should do...

whatever it is you're about to do.

Break up with her?

Maybe. I mean...

As long as you get to hit
them skins one last time.

Oh, Tim, come on. What are you doing?

- Don't talk like that.
- I don't know.

It's this hat. It's changing me.

Throw it out.

I tried.

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me... ♪

- Hey, babe.
- Hey, Shannon.

What's wrong?

I don't think this is working.

What? [CHUCKLES]

This is coming out of nowhere.

Is there something wrong with the song?

No, uh... well,

we did have to re-record
the song with Molly.

But it's only because the...

The client thought there
was no spark in ours,

which is kind of my point.

There's, like, no spark here.

What are you gonna do?

Spend the rest of your
life hanging out with Tim

telling vulgar high school
stories about your ass

and your testicles?

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I never said my balls came out, okay?

I mean, they did.

Got a huge laugh.

Look, Shannon, you're perfect.

But we're not perfect for each other.

And I don't think either
of us should settle

for anything less.

[REFLECTIVE MUSIC]

♪

Sam...

I just want you to know

that I never felt like I was settling.

I did.

I... I felt like I was settling.

- Damn it, Sam.
- Oh, sorry.

S... ah, oof. No, I'm sorry.

[SPUTTERS]

Love you.

Oh, I'm s... I'm sorry.

- Listen up, society.
- Tim.

You posted that video under my name?

- No.
- Cease and desist...

Why, what happened? Did
you get hacked by Anonymous?

Well, I did it.

Slingin' single Sammy is back town, baby.

I'm sorry, buddy. That must've been hard.

It was the hardest thing I've
ever had to do in my life.

She was sweet.

And Mom and Dad will be crushed.

But ten years from now,

you don't want to wake up and realize

you married the wrong person.

- Yep, yeah.
- That's true.

Chrissy's right. She could've turned out

to be a child molester.

- What?
- What?

Well, I'm just... I'm just saying,

Chrissy's saying, ten years is a long time.

A lot could happen.

She could turned into a child molester.

That is not what I'm saying.

Tim, how do you "turn
into" a child molester?

Uh, you get molested by one, Sam.

It's not like getting bit by a werewolf.

Uh, whatever, I'm just agreeing,

Mom and Dad are gonna be crushed.

Hey, to Shannon.

- To Shannon.
- To Shannon.

God bless her.

Get her off these streets
before she [BLEEP] a kid.

Baby, no.

♪ And it's always bargain time ♪

♪ At Farmer Zack's ♪

♪ Farmer Zack's ♪

Whoa! Was that Blade?

Blade is so freaking cool.

And now moving onto the
lighter side of the news,

what's actually in your dog's food?

The surprising answer
might make you rethink

eating dog food.

[TECHNO MUSIC]

♪

Mike!

Don't you do...

Don't you do it! Stop!

[BOTH MUMBLING]

Uh-huh.

Right. Right.

Well, I'll be danged.