02x05 - Flour Power

[bunniefuu]

All right, check these out.

I made rainbow donuts
for the gay parade.

You mean the Uptown Pride Parade?

Uh, if that's the gay one, then yeah.

It's my biggest day of the year.

The only day the gays eat carbs.

- Hey, Fawz, try one.
- No, thanks.

I'm on a diet.

As head of the Neighborhood
Business Council,

I get to ride on the mayor's float.

And I might be straight skinny,
but I'm gay obese.

Well, I love the Pride weekend.

I always make a little extra dough

renting out my apartment on Airbnb.

It's not even on the parade route,

but for some reason,
people cannot wait to book it. You see?

"Casa de Tush.

"Perfect for two.

"Firm queen in the bedroom.

Ample parking in rear."

Yep.

Just listed.

Now let's see how long it takes to...

- (phone chimes)
- And rented.

By "SwitchHitter."

Huh, must be a baseball fan.

Now I just got to figure
out where I'm gonna stay.

I'd have you stay with us,
but I already got one freeloader.

Hold up, you're moving
somebody else into our apart...

You're talking about me.

Hey, Randy, you got a spare room
ever since your daughter's gone.

Uh... yeah.

I-I... I do.

But, you know, it's kind of a mess.

Just like my living room and my kitchen.

And your excuses.

Guys, don't worry about me.

Last year, I camped out
at Montrose Park, and it was great.

The hobos built a fire.

We all sat around telling ghost stories.

By "ghost stories," I mean

tales of their friends being m*rder*d.

Okay. You can stay for one night.

We'll see how it goes.

You will not regret it.

Hey, do you have
European electrical outlets?

Never mind. I'll just bring my adapter.

Hey, Arthur.

Hey, Murray.

And L.L. Cool Franco.

Hey, Murray, thanks for making
an extra drop this week.

You know,
we're gonna need all that flour

for the big gay parade.

Oh, right, that's Saturday.

Traffic's gonna be m*rder.

Yeah, well, it's their party,
but, you know,

we're the ones bending over backwards.

(chuckles)

Don't worry, I think I got
some more flour in the truck.

I'll bring it in.

Hey, did you see
the Bulls game last night?

What are we gonna do
without Jimmy Butler?

Might need you to suit up. Am I right?

Nah, man,
I really don't play basketball.

Oh, come on.

I'm serious, man. I'm five-seven.

And when I jump, I'm five-seven.

Huh. Go figure.

(forced chuckle)

Can you believe that dude?

What are you talking about?

Every time he comes in here,

he says something r*cist.

I'm so sick of it.

What? That was a compliment.

That was stereotyping.

'Cause I'm black, I play basketball?

Or I'm in a g*ng or I smoke weed?

You do smoke weed.

Trying to make a point, Sweatpants!

Thank you.

Please. Murray
was just making conversation.

Was he making conversation last week,

uh, when he asked me,
"Where can I find good soul food?"

Or-or the week before, when he asked me,

"What's that Bill Cosby's problem?"

I'll tell you Bill Cosby's problem.

He's too damn funny! (laughs)

It's called microaggressions.

Small but offensive comments

that unintentionally
reinforce a stereotype.

I been getting into podcasts,
and I downloaded two.

So I can talk about this or
the history of dollhouses.

Good morning, Franco.

Can I have a black coffee?

What's that supposed to mean?

I got your back, buddy.

What's going on?

Arthur's flour guy was
being a little r*cist.

No, Franco was just being
a little too sensitive.

Yo, you don't get to end the argument

by telling me I'm too sensitive.

Sometimes things sound innocent,
but they're not.

Thank you, Sofia.

Yeah, like when people say to me,

"You speak English so good."

P.S., it's "so well."

I know this because I went to
the University of Wisconsin.

- Go Badgers!
- Hey.

Well, I can't think of anything
more American than complaining

about teeny,
tiny insults no one can see.

In Iraq, we can't hear
the microaggressions

over the bombing and the screaming!

Really? How would you feel

if people implied you were a t*rror1st?

Be more specific.
Do you mean the police,

the TSA or the federal government?

Your generation takes
things too seriously.

Murray's just old-school.

I mean, that's the way we used to talk.

I used to poker with these Irish guys:

you know, uh, Drunky,
Fighty, O'Boozehan.

So how would you like it if
they called you "The Jew"

and said you were cheap?

They did, and I am.

I'm driving miles to save
five bucks on sprinkles, huh?

That's less than the sales tax.

L'chaim.

Hey, sorry, I didn't have
any more flour in the truck.

Uh, tell Arthur I'll bring
you the rest tomorrow.

Okay, bye.

You must be good at some sport, right?

No, man. But you know what?

I do like watching some hockey.

- Hockey?
- Mm-hmm.

Really?

I bet you catch some flak from
your homies back in the 'hood.

What the hell's that
supposed to mean, man?

It means your friends
from the neighborhood

are giving you the ol' what for.

I know what it means, Sweatpants!

We're done here.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Take it down a notch there, Tupac.

You fired Murray?

The dude's a r*cist. And it
got worse after you left.

You don't have the
authority to fire people.

You barely have authority
over the napkin dispensers.

Arthur, we have an opportunity here.

Money talks.

If we give our business
to principled people,

it'll encourage people to act that way.

Ah-ah-ah, business and
principles don't go together.

It's like Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett.

It just feels forced.

Look, I've been working
with Murray for years.

Look, man, this-this is a lot to me,
all right?

This means so much to me.

I know we can find
some decent human being

to give our business to.

All right, but Saturday's
the biggest day of the year.

You got two days,
or otherwise I go back to Murray.

You won't have to!

I hope.

Man, this is Chicago.

Where am I gonna find somebody
who's not r*cist by Friday?

Well, if it helps, I know a butcher

who does a pretty good job
hiding his anti-Semitism.

♪ ♪

Hello?

Tush?

TUSH: In the kitchen.

What's with all the scented candles?

Did the power go out?

Are you getting high in here?

High on seasonal fragrances.

It felt like your place
could use a little "jeuje,"

so I picked up some
pumpkin spice candles.

Are you cooking?

Yeah, dinner's almost ready.

I hope you like paella.

Now, I didn't like the
look of the Norway lobster,

so I doubled up on cuttlefish.

Mmm. Wow.

This is really weird,

in a totally different
way than I expected.

Cooking's kind of a hobby of mine.

And this is just my
way of saying thank you

for letting me stay here.

Oh, and I hope you don't mind,

but I synced up your living
room and bedroom DVRs.

Wow.

I-Is that even possible?

Of course. What if
you're watching Blue Bloods here,

but want to get cozy and finish in bed?

I can't tell you how many
times I've wanted to do that.

See? I'm looking out for you.

- (bell dings)
- Let's eat.

What are you working on?

A menu for the Pride Parade.

I need a big weekend,

and I'm not above
pandering to the lesbians.

So I'm offering a "vagitarian wrap."

ARTHUR: Hey, Randy.

How's the roommate
thing going with Tush?

Honestly, pretty shocking.

Did you see the birthmark?

I've only heard him talk about it.

Does it really look
like a fat baby Jesus?

No.

He's actually the perfect roommate.

He got me silk sheets

and then he replaced my
sweatpants with silk pajamas.

Ooh.

Yeah, I was so slippery,
I woke up on the floor.

Silk sheets?

Sounds like he wants to
get randy with Randy.

No.

He's just being considerate.

You know, he bought me some candles,
made me dinner...

Oh, God.

He does want to get randy with Randy.

Weighing in at pounds,
from the South Side of Chicago,

meet Howard,
the owner of Black Flour Milling!

Yo, the company's been

in Howard's family
for three generations.

HOWARD: We employ people locally,

and every employee is a stockholder.

And he got shirts.

BOTH: Black Flour.

(both laugh)

FRANCO: See?

I told you, we can do business
without compromising.

Yeah, I get it,
he's an American treasure.

Now, where's my damn flour?

Oh, out in the truck.

Hey, Franco,
could you give me a hand, man?

My shoulder's been acting up.

Oh, yeah? Me, too.

I got a bad shoulder.

Well, I have a theory on that.

It's all those giant purses you carry.

I mean,

why do women have to pack a suitcase

just to get their nails done?

(laughter)

They need something big enough

to carry all that bitching
and moaning, huh?

(laughter)

Actually, I got sh*t in the shoulder.

Because I'm a cop.

Damn. This city is messed up if
they're sh**ting meter maids.

She's not a meter maid,
she's a patrol officer.

No kidding.

Well, good for you!

Hey, I got more shirts
if anybody wants one.

I'll grab them from the truck.

Oh.

FRANCO and HOWARD: Black Flour.

(Franco laughs)

I love that dude, man. See, I told y'all

we can find somebody that's great.

"Great"?

Did you hear what he just
said about me being a cop?

Yeah, he said he was impressed.

He was impressed that she has
a job that a man normally has.

RANDY: Yeah, it's like

when a man says,
"You're such a strong woman,"

or, "You're so independent,"

or, "Look at you voting."

I was happy for you!

Trust me, Howard
didn't mean anything by it, okay?

He's just... Howard's just...

"Old-school"?

Randy, I'm sorry, but I think

you're just taking it the wrong way.

Oh, are we being "too sensitive"?

FAWZ: No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is completely different.

Franco was being too sensitive.

You can't help being sensitive;
you're a woman.

Okay, don't-don't be on my side, Fawz.

This would be a great
conversation to have,

after I get my damn flour.

Arthur, you cannot
do business with that guy.

And why not?

He is not as bad as Murray.

Oh, so you're telling me that
racism is worse than sexism?

I get both, so, yay, I win.

I got more shirts.

He got more shirts.

Yeah, and one
of our Black Flour calendars,

which you are gonna
want to hang in the back

where the ladies can't see it.

Oh.

Yeah, uh, can you go that way?

Um, look, Howard,
this is not gonna work out.

- You offended my friends.
- Who?

The curvy cutie or Detective D-cup?

Ah.

So, how was it letting Howard go?

Oh, well, tried to explain to him

why it wasn't gonna work out,

and he said, "b*tches be trippin'."

I'm calling Murray.

You tried. Your guy didn't work out.

No, we just can't give up.

Yo, look,
I can find somebody principled, Arthur.

I still got time.

If we take the easy way out,
nothing's gonna change.

SOFIA: Oh, you know,

my friend works at
Progressive Co-op Flour.

Their flour is non-GMO,
and it's milled in a pansexual,

solar-powered farm collective.

I did not understand any of that.

Can you please,
please call your flour person?

Yeah, sure,

but you have to fill out a soul survey.

They want to make sure
that their customers

have positive energy and good karma.

Nope. Forget it.

They don't charge sales tax.

Then my birthstone is topaz.

And my love language is physical touch.

TUSH: Hey there.

Sorry, nothing special tonight.

Just a creamy Brie and a
mischievous little rosé.

(sighs)

Oh, that's nice.

But first,
why don't you get comfortable.

Go slip into those new PJs.

Right.

And I don't know who
you're trying to impress,

but lose the bra already.

(sighs)

Okay, Tush, I'm flattered.

But I'm not gonna sleep with you.

Whoa.

Who said anything about sexy time?

The candles, the cooking.

You just told me to take my bra off.

I'm trying to get you to
take care of yourself.

Your gals need to breathe.

Come here, sit down. (clears throat)

I'm worried about you.

When Liz left me for Dr. Doug Derrickson

of Derrickson Dental in Des Plaines,
the wheels came off.

I was eating cereal over the sink,
sleeping in my clothes.

I had to figure out how to live alone.

And when I got here and saw
those takeout containers,

I knew what was happening.

Your daughter's away at school,
you don't think you have

anyone to take care of,
but you're wrong.

There is someone.

Do you know who it is?

Me?

Let me finish.

It's you.

I noticed you've been spending

a lot more time at
the donut shop lately.

Yeah, I know.

It's just so quiet here.

Hey,

I know what it's like to be lonely.

And I've loved having a roomie again.

But I'm shipping out tomorrow,
and I want to make sure

you keep taking care
of a special someone.

Me?

Boy, I am not gonna miss
all these interruptions.

I'm sorry, Tush.

Thank you so much for looking after me.

Uhp. (sighs)

I'm gonna miss it here when
I go back to Casa de Tush.

Oh.

That's why it gets rented so fast.

Lyric, thank you so much for
getting that flour so quickly.

Oh, no worries.

I was already on my way to a
protest against patriarchal,

gender-conforming children's books.

And now another episode of
"Why Tr*mp Won."

Franco is encouraging his
boss to only do business

with companies with strong principles.

LYRIC: Well, then that's us.

For every empty flour bag you return,

we clothe a family of six in Ecuador.

With one bag?

How big are these people?

Look, we don't want to participate

in polluting our Mother Earth.

So we reuse and repurpose everything.

This belt was made from
those plastic six-pack rings

that strangle sea turtles.

Whoa.

My wallet's made out of turtle.

Oh, it was a gift.

The turtle... which was a boring pet,

so I turned him into a wallet.

See? I repurpose, too.

You give bald people a bad name.

- Namaste.
- Namaste.

I know she's a lot to take,
but she's a really good person.

And you got your flour.

- And our rainbow donuts.
- Yeah!

Made from the world's most
socially-conscious flour!

Mmm.

Mmm.

Interesting.

Yeah, I'm getting notes
of vanilla and nutmeg.

Really? 'Cause I'm getting
notes of tree bark and ass.

These are terrible. Throw 'em out.

- I'm calling Murray.
- You're not calling Murray.

Look, we have no choice.
The parade is tomorrow.

Experiment over.

Arthur, you just don't get it, man.

Hmm?

And you know why?

'Cause you're an old white guy.

You're never gonna
understand how I feel.

Or how they feel.

And that's okay. That's cool.

But if you're gonna use Murray,
man, just...

at least have my back
and do the right thing.

How?

Talk to him.

Tell him to get his ass in line.

All right, fine, I'll do it.

Thank you.

Your wallet isn't really
made out of turtle, is it?

Oh, no, no, I was just messing with her.

I got it at Macy's.

It's made of reindeer.

Arthur, a cup of coffee
and three maple creams.

What happened to your parade-float diet?

They kicked me off.

The business council decided
that priority should be given

to members of the LGBT QVC community.

How can I not be one of those letters?

It's half the alphabet!

Look, I'm sorry, I'm out of everything.

Have no fear, flour is here.

Oh, thank God. Listen,
we better get that stuff to the kitchen,

because I got one hour
to make donuts.

- But first?
- Oh, right.

Uh, Murray, um,

apparently you, uh, offended Franco

with some of your
comments the other day.

Yeah, I kind of figured that out

- when he fired me.
- Yeah.

Well, you know, his generation is

kind of sensitive about that crap.

"Crap"?

Uh, stuff. (chuckles)

You and I know these kids are
just being touchy, you know.

They blow things out of proportion.

I mean,
you and I were just kidding around.

They should learn how to take a joke.

- Get to the damn point.
- See what I mean?

You know what, Arthur?

I actually agree with Franco.

You do?

You do?

For years, I've been listening to you

make little cracks about gay people.

And I got to be honest,
they kind of bug me.

Why?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Yeah, I see.

I'm on my way to the parade.

Wow, Murray.

- You don't seem gay.
- Really?

What does a gay person seem like?

Should I be wearing a feather
boa and singing show tunes?

That certainly would help.

You always seemed like a guy, you know?

A guy guy.

I think what he means
is heteronormative.

D-Don't you dare help him.

Murray, I mean,
why didn't you ever say anything?

Because I need your business.

So I've kept my mouth shut.

Even the other day,
when you made that joke

about gay guys "bending over backwards."

Huh?

Uh, you said that "it's their party,

but we're the ones
bending over backwards."

Which, correct me if I'm wrong, Murray,

but you bend over forwards.

You know what? I've had it.

Like Franco said when he fired me,

I want to be in business
with principled people.

So find your flour somewhere else.

Well, no... uh, Franco, please, please.

All right, all right, all right.
Murray, Murray, w-wait, wait.

Look, Arthur's sorry. Right, Arthur?

Yeah, very sorry.

You're a good man. And quite handsome.

So what would you say if Arthur donated

a portion of today's
profits to an LGBTQ cause?

- Yeah.
- How much?

- percent.
- bucks.

percent, huh?

Yeah, uh, to AIDS.

- You know, against it.
- There's no pro-AIDS charity, man.

Yeah, look, Murray.

Look, I-I had no idea
I was offending you,

and I'm sorry.

I guess I need to be more
aware of the things that I say.

There we go. There we go!

All right, so Arthur learned
something about h*m*.

- Yeah.
- And thanks to Sofia,

I learned something about sexism.

And, uh...

Murray...

you learned...?

I'm sorry, Franco.

I didn't mean to offend you.

And I promise I'll try and do better.

Thanks, man.

Ah, crap,
I'm blocked in by some Chinaman!

So I guess we should probably
keep looking for a flour guy.

Yep!