01x17 - O Brother, Here Art Thou/Life With Barl/Fyootch Fails

[bunniefuu]

-NARRATOR: One boy...
-Yeah!

NARRATOR: One worm.

You know it.

NARRATOR: These are their adventures.

(ROARS)

(WHOOPING)

Sweet!

-NARRATOR: Future-Worm!
-(BOTH LAUGHING)

Nothing like being out in nature,
right, Fyootch?

Totally!

Thanks for lettin' me tag along

on your whatever-you-call-it apple thing.

The th annual
Douglas Family Apple Pickapalooza.

Pick that one next, honey.

No, no, no, wait that one.

No, wait! That one.

(EXCLAIMS)

And it wouldn't be complete
without our traditional you-know-whats...

(CLEAR THROATS AND COUGHS)

What gives, Dad?

Where's Fyootch's?

Uh...

Apple picking license,
emergency whistle, umbrella hat...

You didn't make one
for Future-Worm?

Not cool, Dad.

But I got this...

(GASPS AND GROANS)

Boom!

Worm sweater, patent pending.

Wow it's, uh, (GAGS) foot-scented.

(CHEERING AND LAUGHING)

Family apple picking
is the best with you two. (LAUGHS)

Pickapalooza is
a Douglas family tradition.

I don't have a sweater because...

I'm not really a Douglas.

I'm just a worm,
with no family to call his own.

(SNIFFLES)

(EXCLAIMS)

Apples!

(ALL GASP)

D!

Remember when you made
that Time Machine Lunch Box

and sent it to the future,
but it got knocked off course

and those Future Scientists found me?

Yeah, man!

Duh! Everybody knows that.

Wait, you're from the future?
I thought that was just a nickname...

And they did the genetic escalator

and all the zappy things with the stuff...

(COMPUTER VOICE READING)

Like you know, science from the future.

(NARRATOR READING)

(MUNCHING)

But they found me in an apple, Danny!

I could have been born right here!

Growin' up with my real worm family!

-What if I have a...
-SHUCKS: Long-lost brother?

(SPITS)

Name's Shucks Hayseed,

but, shucks, y'all can call me Shucks.

(CHUCKLES)

Shucks Hayseed?

-Yeah!
-Shucks Hayseed?

Are you a... tapeworm?

Well, I prefer "belly burrower" myself.

It's the preferred nomenclature.

(EXCLAIMS) I have a brother?

Sure do.

(GROANING)

I'm Future-Worm!

Those beanpoles are Mrs. D and Doug.

Enough wavin', Doug!
This ain't a parade!

And this here's my best bro
in all of time and space,

Danny.

He rules!

Hmm...

Oh?

Say, you wanna see
the ol' wigglin' grounds

where you and I grew up?

(VOICE TREMBLING) You know it...

SHUCKS: Yeah.
Most of the ol' worm g*ng's gone now.

Vinny Roquentin, and, uh, Lorna the Bear,

-and Tangerine, uh, Johnson...
-(GROANING)

Uh...

-Donald the Thumper...
-(GRUNTING)

-(STAMMERING) All them good'uns...
-(EXCLAIMING)

All them boys
you probably remember deep down.

Ew, gross! Ah!

Yeah, yeah!

Those sound like real names I remember.

Hey, do we got anything in common?

Oh, oh!

What about the thing you hate the most?

-I hate anchovies!
-Anchovies.

Yeah!

It's crazy! We are like this.

-Zoop, zoop, zoop.
-Beep, beep, beep.

-(BOTH LAUGHING AND EXCLAIMING)
-(MAKING BEEPING SOUND)

-It's like a computer.
-(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

Yup. Here's the ol' homestead.

And I still sleep over there
in the corner like you and I...

You know, how we used to.
All cuddly up.

You live here? No TV?

No Doug makin' you breakfast?

No way!
No brother of mine's gonna live like this!

You're moving in with us!

Oh, I knew I smelled
some love in your heart.

Give me a squeeze, bro.

Huh?

(HUMMING)

(WHISTLES)

(GRUNTS)

Pah-ba!

Our new bedroom.

I call top bunk!

Uh, Danny,
where do we keep the tiny doll furniture?

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
That's in a box that doesn't exist?

Sure is nice of you
to welcome me into your home, Danny.

Mind if I go exploring?

-Actually, yes!
-Whatever you want, true brother!

(HUMMING) Y'all want me
to bring back a sandwich?

Fyootch, can we talk about
Shucks for a hot sec?

Isn't he great?

Yeah, but think about it,

he appeared the moment
you wished for a brother.

Isn't that weird timing?

It's called a wish, Danny.

That's how they work.

Wish it... Boom! It happens.

Fyootch, you're not even
the same species!

He's not your brother.

Hey! Whoa! Line cross.

Don't make me choose between bros, bro.

Because real family always wins.

Whoa. That came out mega-harsh.

Quick, say something nice.

Beard's on point today!

No, to Danny!

Oh, uh...

Nice shirt.

Aw.

(GROANS) What a night, huh, Danny?

I dreamed I was a real jerk to you
but you forgave me,

so we're all... (SCREAMS)

(SLURPING)

Did you just eat my bro?

No! (SPITS)

He jumped in my mouth!

I was just trying to... (SPITS)

Ugh! Spit him out.

Did you chew?
Did you chew? Did you chew him?

He's not your brother. He's a parasite!

Hang in there, Shucks!

I'm comin' to save you!

(SCREAMING)

(GULPS) Uh!

Hey, son! I whipped up
quite a lunch for you today.

Apple chutney,

-apple coleslaw, apple nuggets...
-(GAGGING)

My deviled egg apple surprise!

-(GAGGING)
-Now, off to school you go!

(SCREAMING)

Ugh!

Yuck! I told that kid
to quit swallowin' gum...

-(EXCLAIMS)
-(FUTURE-WORM GRUNTS)

Wow! Our first sibling rivalry!

If by "sibling" you mean,

"Alien love parasite that slowly
devours its host from the inside out"

then, yes, we are rivals.

You, wha...

Bro, why are you doing this for?

I ain't your brother. I told ya.

I'm an alien love parasite.

-What?
-I lied so I could eat your love.

But I found a better meal...

(MOANS) Num, num, num.

(LAUGHS)

There something funny about
National Trampoline Week, Mr. Douglas?

(ALL LAUGH)

More like Mr. Dorkus.

(LAUGHS) Lobster Boy!

Now if you'll excuse me

I gotta get back to
draining the love out of your pal.

(LAUGHS)

Num, num, num...

No!

-You still laughing, clown?
-(LAUGHING)

Clowns go first when it comes to gym.

Let's go!

-(GROANS)
-(STOMACH RUMBLES)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

How could you do this, Shucks?

I loved you like...

(SOBBING) like a brother!

(EXCLAIMS)

-(LAUGHS)
-(GRUNTS)

-(EXCLAIMING)
-(GRUNTING)

Danny was right about you!

And I was wrong about you!

I saw how quick you dismissed
your "best friend."

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

Just need electrolytes.

(GULPING)

But this Danny kid, he's just oozing love.

Mmm-Mmm. Yum, yum, yum, yum.

You leave Danny alone!

(SCREAMS)

(NARRATOR READING)

(GRUNTING AND EXCLAIMING)

(NARRATOR READING)

(SCREAMS)

(EXCLAIMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

What do you want with Danny?

I took Danny for a hateful cynic at first,

but then I saw the truth...

Ugh!

But I want to be friends.

Yeah, well, friends don't lie
about who they are or what they want.

I'm just lookin' out for Fyootch, man.

You sure love
your little friend, don't you? Hmm.

Open that mouth hole and let me in now!

-Uh... Hey!
-(SHOUTS)

Mmm...

(SCREAMS)

Did you just eat my bro?

You're right.

I don't have a lotta love in me.

And I hurt the only thing
I do love in this world.

But I'll be danged if I let you cause him
another ounce of pain!

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(GROANING)

I want more bouncin' by the ouncin'!

-(GROANING)
-(STOMACH RUMBLING)

(THUDDING)

You were supposed to be
my one true worm-brother, Shucks!

(CHUCKLES)

We were gonna complete each other!

(GRUNTING)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

(ALL LAUGH)

Dorkus! (LAUGHS) Lobster Boy!

C minus.

Don't worry, "brother,"
when I'm done chowin' down Danny...

-(EXCLAIMS)
-Whoa!

I can still snack on you for dessert!

(GROANS)

I'd rather be digested
in my best bud's stomach acid

than feed your heartless soul!

Whatever.

(LAUGHS) You wanna hear
the ultimate irony?

If it means stalling... You know it!

I ain't anybody's brother!

I was made!

I was an ordinary alien love tapeworm

until I was found by future scientists,

who put me through a genetic escalator...

(COMPUTER VOICE READING)

(COMPUTER VOICE READING)

(COMPUTER VOICE READING)

NARRATOR: Tape-Worm.

(GASPS) Dude! I'm from the same lab!

We're brothers!

Like, for real brothers!

Are you... (SNIFFLING)

Are you saying I got a real...
a real brother?

Having a real brother
is the best feeling in the world!

(GRUNTS)

Yeah, bojo!

That's for tricking me into forgetting
Danny's the only brother I need.

-Yo! We're wrapped in here, dude.
-Finally.

How you gettin' out?

Well, it ain't gonna be pretty.

(GROANING)

SHUCKS: Well, I gotta thank you,
Future-Worm.

You made me realize I don't need
to feed off the love of others,

not when I got my own love
for a real brother.

Glad I could help.

-BARL: (WAILING) Barl!
-(HONKING)

Barl, Barl!

All right. I'm not doing Barl right now.
I can't handle him.

Hey! See you at Thanksgiving?

(LAUGHS) You know it.

(CHUCKLES)

Barl!

(BURSTING)

(SPITS)

Look, D, I really messed up.

Real brothers have each other's back

and, guh, I'm no good
at this apology stuff...

Don't sweat it, Fyootch.

Or should I say, "Don't sweater it!"

(GASPS)

(GASPING) Sweater? What?

Future-Worm Douglas.

Aww, thanks, bro.

You're the only family I need.

Like I said, don't sweater it.

Nothing?

NARRATOR: Future-Worm!

DANNY: I can't believe
you're moving out after all this time.

We're gonna miss you, Carl!

But it's so cool that you'll be living
in an experimental colony on Mars!

Gosh, that's so exciting!

Right? And hey, I know my lease isn't up,

but don't worry,
I found a subletter to take over!

He should be here any second.

Oop! They're beaming me up.

Bye, guys!

And hey, try not to
get glooped again, am I right?

-(LAUGHS) Oh, Carl.
-So long, Carl.

Aww! Never gonna let us
live that one down are ya, Carl!

Heh, that guy...

Whoever moves in
better be half as cool as Carl.

BARL: (WAILING) Barl!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Mmm!

(GASPING)

Barl!

Wow!

Squirmy, Science, and Two Adults!

What're you doing on my lawn?

You're the one
moving into the old tool shed?

Uh, guest house!

I guess so!

But I never guessed it was
your guest house I'd be guesting in!

Gueeeeeeeeest...

(CHUCKLES)

Cool!

(GASPING)

Oh, Danny, you never mentioned
you had a broccoli friend!

He usually hates vegetables.

(LAUGHS)

-What's broccoli?
-Oh.

Awesome!

Mom, Dad, this is Barl!

You're gonna love him.

(GASPS) What?

(EXCLAIMS) Hold it right there!

I counter that vouch
with a rescinding non-vouch!

Squirmy!

I saw you faint from joy at my arrival.

Give us a cuddle.

(GASPS) Huh? No, Barl!

Kick him out now!

Kick him out now!

We can't kick Dad out, Squirmy,
we're on his land!

Don't listen to that sourpuss, Dad!

Trust me, having Barl live here

will make all our lives better.

Uh, it stinks. (GROANS)

It means he like you.

(SNIFFING)

I think it's ranch dressing, honey.

And, wow, it's delicious!

It's disgusting!

Mmm. The chives are so fresh...

Mmm...

Hey, if you like that, you'll love
my no-frosting breakfast cupcakes!

Only calories.

Oh! Muffins!

BOTH: Mmm.

Get in there, Dad.

(MOANING) Yum!

(MUFFLED)

BARL: That's a baby.

Mmm, mmm, wait...

This is good.

Do I taste zucchini?

How would I know?

But that reminds me, I'm ripening!

You mean... Did you...

You mean these muffins are...

(GAGGING)

BOTH: Mmm, mmm.

(SINGING) La, la, la
I'm French

(GAGGING AND SPITTING)

(GARGLING)

(SPITS)

(PANTS)

-(SCREAMS)
-So, you and me, Doug.

So, what do you say we,
uh, kick Barl to the curb.

By "curb" I mean flaming red hot sun.

And by "kick" I mean "jam into a rocket
and launch into" you know, dot-dot-dot.

(SIGHS)

If Danny likes him then I like him.

If Danny likes him then I like him.

If Danny likes him...

(SCREAMS)

(DOUG PANTING)

Don't worry, Doug.
I've had this nightmare before,

just gotta tail slap yourself
a few times...

(GRUNTING)
Wake up, wake up!

Like my clones?

(BOTH SCREAM)

Don't worry, these guys
are strictly for juicin' purposes!

(LAUGHS) Aren't they the coolest?

They're... just spectacular, son.

I mean, who wouldn't want
a wall of vacant eyes

staring through their bathroom window.

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

And they're delicious!

(GAGGING)

Gotta run, Dad. Barl needs
help unpacking his moving truck.

Truck?

-(BEEPS)
-(GRUNTS)

I hope the llamas are still alive!

It's now or never, Doug.

(TREMBLING)

But, sh**ting him into the sun?

Seems a little... extreme.

It's the only way he'll get the message.

It won't hurt him.

Probably. But hey, if it does win-win.

But he and Danny have grown so close...

D is a kid.
He doesn't know what's good for him!

It's up to you to protect him!

You want your son in a ranch hot tub
sippin' Barl juice all day?

-(SLURPS)
-(BURPS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Dad?

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Hi, Barl.

Gosh, how do I say this, um...

You can't live in the shed anymore.

Mmm.

Okay. Well, thanks for being honest, Dad.

Huh?

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Are you awake yet, Sweetheart?

-Oh I don't sleep, Dad.
-(SCREAMS)

But it was very relaxing to watch you
for the last eight hours.

Dad!

We made you breakfast in bed!

Honey. It was so sweet of you
to invite Barl

to move out of that tiny shed
and into our home!

(ALL LAUGH)

(LAUGHTER ECHOES)

Thanks for your help,
Barl, moving this, uh...

moving this couch.

Yeah thanks, Barl, can you just
back up a little further there.

Anything for my best friend-family!

Now! Now! Now!

(GRUNTS)

BARL: (ECHOES)
Well, you know I am stuck in here, right?

Launch it, launch it, launch it.
Go, go, go, go!

I'm doing it. Quit rushing me!

(BEEPS)

BOTH: Yeah!

Hey! What are you guys
so excited about?

Me and Barl have an awesome day planned.

Have you guys seen him?

Yay! We're all together forever.

I...I can't go through with this.

Stop the rocket!

Stop it now! Shut it off!

Don't go soft on me, Doug!

I was just starting to like you...

Shut it off!

-(GRUNTS)
-It will break his heart.

-What's going on?
-We can't do this!

This is wrong!

-(BEEPING)
-DOUG: So wrong!

Wait! Did you just sh**t Barl
into the sun, Fyootch?

Tried to!

But Downer Doug caught feelings

and knocked the ship off-course!

Dad?

I should have told you.

I don't like having Barl here,

but you do
and that should be all that matters.

I'm so sorry, son.

Aw, that's okay, Dadster.

Hey, I want you to be happy too.

-Aww.
-But...

where's Barl going?

And after the rocket crashed into Mars

the unbelievable happened.

One humble vegetable man
heroically terraformed the planet,

making it habitable for all mankind.

Man, there is no one better than Barl!

To Barl!

-To Barl!
-To Barl!

Fyootch!

Get out here and toast with us!

Oh, uh...

I'd love to, guys,
but it looks like you got the last glass!

So, I'll just, uh,
dump the rest of it out.

(SCREAMS)

NARRATOR: Future-Worm!

KLAXICA: You're watching the Fail Channel,

but you already know that.

It's the year , and this is
the only channel on television!

I'm Klaxica Anderstein

and we're counting down
the top

Future-Worm Fails!

Number .

Who wants milkshakes?

-(CHEERS)
-Me!

Oh!

Ooh! (EXCLAIMING)

KLAXICA: Ouch!
Cleanup on aisle living room.

Here's number nine!

(GRUNTING)

MAN: Cannonball!

Don't try this at home.

-Aw, come on!
-(LAUGHING)

What is this trash?

What? It's funny, man!

It's defamation! It's libel!

It's anti-worm bigotry!

(LAUGHS) Ease up, dude.

I've got a reputation.

No one's gonna take me seriously anymore!

How are they even filming this?

Don't worry,
I'm sure no one you know is gonna see it.

Future-Worm acts tough,
but he can be a real klutz!

We like to call him
"Future-Whoops."

Okay, I want two of those now.

KLAXICA: Sometimes you get more
than you bargain for.

Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

-Mmm.
-(SCREAMS)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(SHRIEKS)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(ALL SHRIEK)

Whoa!

Looks like he bit off
more than he could chew.

(FUTURE-WORM SCREAMING)

I tell everyone I meet,
Squirmy's a harmless lil' softie.

Like a baby kitten or an old banana.

Yep! That's it.

I'm shutting down production
on this hack-job.

If you try to make people not laugh
at you, they'll just laugh more.

You gotta learn
to laugh with them

and they'll get bored and move on.

Oh, so I'm supposed to
sit around and do nothing?

It's not my style, kid.

I'd rather beard butt 'em
till they can't laugh no more.

(GRUNTING)

KLAXICA: He's gonna be sore
after this workout.

Uh-oh.

That was great, Klaxica.

Uh, let's try one where you say

"stupid goofball"
instead of "brainless dolt."

Hey!

You like to laugh at me, huh?

Try laughing at this!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy!

Oh!

(GROANING AND GRUNTING)

Uh-oh.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

(ALL SHRIEK)

(FUTURE-WORM GROANING)

Whoa! (SCREAMS)

Huh?

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

And another thing...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

And that's our number one
Future-Worm fail.

Thanks for watching.

I tried to warn him.
You gotta learn to roll with the punches.

Next up, the top ten times
Danny Douglas peed his pants.

What?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)