07x04 - Pump You Up

[bunniefuu]

Oh! What a day! Huh, Mark?

[rock music plays on headphones]

Mark. Mark!

Mark, what are you listening to?

"Pus and Boots"?

With their new hit
single, Smell the Hell.

You gotta be
kidding. Nice lyrics.

"I hate you. You're garbage.

I'm puking. You're garbage."

Which reminds me, you
forgot to take out the garbage.

- Hey, everybody.
- [Tim] Hi.

Hi, guys. Look at this.

Brad got a letter from the
University of North Carolina.

Here's an uplifting
tune: I Feel the Fungus.

It's from North Carolina.

This is that scout that was
at practice the other day.

He says he's looking at
me for a soccer scholarship.

University of North Carolina?
That's not in Michigan.

I have a chance at playing
for the Tar Heels. Awesome!

- Awesome. All right!
- Yeah.

This is great!

Now remember though, you
have two more years of school.

Keep that grade-point
average up.

That's right.

Like when those technical
schools were romancing me,

I didn't want to let
my grades go down.

They couldn't go down.

I'm gonna work harder than ever.
I've got something to sh**t for.

- Congratulations.
- I'm gonna call Jason.

A scholarship. Do you
know what that would mean?

He's gonna get
a great education.

Oh, yeah!

But with the money we'd save,
I could start another hot rod.

Tim, if Brad is lucky
enough to get a scholarship,

we're not gonna
be buying any cars.

We have two more
kids times four more

years of college.
You do the math.

I married you so I wouldn't
have to do the math.

[phone rings]

Hello? [whispers]
It's Cathy and Greg.

Oh, no. No.

Hi.

Uh... oh, you want to
get together next Friday?

- [whispers] No, no, no.
- No, we can't. We're busy.

What are we busy doing?

We're, uh, sawing wood.

Dinner, Randy. Dinner.

We're sawing wood for dinner.

[laughs] You see, we make a
table, then we eat off it. Yeah.

No, no, no. We'll let you
know when we're free.

OK. Bye-bye.

- [exhales heavily] That was close.
- Yeah.

[laughs] Why are you
trying to avoid these people?

Cathy Simms and Greg Clark,
the most annoying kids at school.

They're like a married couple.

Since they heard
we were together,

they've been bugging
us to double-date.

I think they smell our fear.

Randy, it's not really
nice to duck people.

Oh, well, you'd know,

being one of the all-time
great couple-duckers.

- Me? I am not a couple-ducker.
- Oh, come on, Mom!

The Goodmans? For a month
we couldn't turn on our lights

so they wouldn't know we
were back from vacation.

We don't know what
to do. We're desperate.

Now, I don't really
condone this.

But if you have to avoid
somebody, here's what you do.

Whenever they
want to get together,

be agreeable but vague.

Use phrases like,
uh, "after the holidays"

or "when things settle down."

Oh, if you run into
them unexpectedly,

be sure that you have some
emergency you have to deal with.

This family, you don't
even have to make that up.

- Thanks.
- [Jill] Welcome.

- You ready to go to the mall?
- Sure.

When are you guys back?

Oh, you know, when
things settle down.

[indistinct chatter]

Honey, you should've
seen Brad at soccer practice.

He was incredible!

- I was the b*mb!
- No, you were the man!

- I'm the man! Ooh!
- Hey! Ow!

[Jill laughs]

Chest bumping.

Something you'd never
see two women do.

I'd pay a lot of money
to see it though.

Yeah. Coach Martino
seemed pretty excited

- about that letter.
- We're all excited about it.

But remember what he said.
They send out letters,

but only five kids
get the scholarships.

How do I make sure
I'm one of those five?

Come on. You gotta work
harder than the other .

Pay attention to your trainer.

I don't have a personal trainer.

You do now. Drop and give me .

Blow it out! Seventeen!
Come on! Eighteen!

Push it! Nineteen!
Good! Twenty. Lock it up.

Put another plate on.
One more set! Come on!

Dad, another set?
I'm kind of tired.

Tired? Look, we've got a goal.

We've gotta do everything
we can. What do we want?

- [panting] Scholarship.
- How are we gonna get it?

- Hard work.
- I can't hear you!

- Hard work!
- Can't hear!

- Hard work!
- I can't hear you!

I heard you!

Does everybody
know what time it is?

- [crowd] Tool Time!
- That's right!

Binford Tools is proud to present
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo!

- [theme song plays]
- [cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody. Thanks
for coming. Thank you, Heidi.

Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, Heidi!

[sighs] Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

And of course you all know
my assistant, Al Borland.

[applause, cheering]

Well, today Al and I join
you for our Tool Time salute...

[man] Oi! My back!

To fitness.

And who better to help us out

than those lean, mean
construction machines

from Bay City? The boys from
K&B Construction! Bring 'em out!

Let's hear it for Rock,
Pete and Dwayne!

- [applause]
- Hey! Hey, buddy!

- All right!
- How are you, buddy?

All right.

It's good to see you.

Always great to be here, Timmy.

All right. What do you
guys do to stay in shape?

Well, not as much as
you might think, Tim.

Pete's idea of a workout is the
old one-armed doughnut curl.

Is, um, fitness a big
deal at K&B Construction?

Ah, it's job one, Timmy.

According to researchers
at K&B R and D,

being in shape can help
prevent injuries at the workplace.

The only way I can prevent injuries
in our workplace is if Tim calls in sick.

- [laughter]
- That's a good one, Al!

You know, Tim, studies have shown
that hammering or any repetitive movement

with the hand can cause
carpal tunnel syndrome.

To prevent this,

my exercise program
goes something like this.

- [deep breathing]
- [watch beeps]

Be sure to consult a physician

before starting a
strenuous exercise program.

Rock, what do you
do to stay in shape?

Well, during lunch
breaks, I teach Jazzercise.

[laughter]

That doesn't sound
too manly, Rock.

We do it stories
up on a steel girder.

Well, that'll put
wind in your leotard.

Speaking of leotards, it's
time to introduce our guest,

a professional bodybuilder.

Not just a professional, a
three-time world champion.

Here at Cobo Hall
at the fitness show.

Heidi, my bodybuilder,
please. Miss Cory Everson!

[cheering]

Ah, it's very good to
have you on the show.

- Thank you.
- Cory's here to show us how

to prevent injuries at work.

Yes. One of the leading injuries

in the workplace is
injury to the low back,

because you're using
improper mechanics.

Proper body mechanics.

Use your legs to
lift, not your back.

And never rotate
and torque your spine.

That's what happened.

There's some men
that probably don't think

women can lift the
iron with the men.

I'm not one of them.

But just for the
sake of argument,

do you want to go
mano to womano?

- [Al laughs]
- You want to compete
against me?

- Yeah.
- You do know
I'm a professional?

I could've gone pro.

I wanted to keep my
eligibility open for the Olympics.

What event was that?

Synchronized Gluing
a Board to Your Head?

- [all laugh]
- I remember that! Yeah!

Do you guys wonder
why it's been three years

since I've had you on the show?

- Let's get to it.
- Tim, she looks pretty strong.

I think she could
bench press us.

And, by the way, anytime.

OK, let's try a nice light
weight. Let's say pounds.

- OK, looks good to me.
- Use your legs. [clears throat]

Come on, Timbo.

Oh! [panting]

- [Rock] Yeah!
- [Pete] All right, Timmy!

Your turn, Cory.

[electric fizzling]

- What was that?
- What was what?

[gasps]

Maybe you're not as
strong as you thought.

Just hold on a second.
I just need a better grip.

[exhales]

Maybe you need the
help of a big strong man?

[electric fizzling]

[Tim] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Yeah!

You shaved two
seconds off your last try.

Now some
ball-handling. All right?

Use your eyes. Use
your eyes. Come on.

- Yeah, yeah!
- Brad, it's Friday night.

Wouldn't you rather
be out having fun?

No, Mom. Can't have fun.

Dad says I need work
on my ball control.

I'm gonna keep doing it
so I can score more goals.

This kid's gonna be a
superstar, right, honey?

- I guess so.
- I can't hear you!

Tim, come inside. I want
to talk to you for a minute.

- Don't slow down. I'll be right back.
- All right.

Don't you think you're
being a little hard on him?

He loves this stuff.
Keep your knees up!

Soccer has been fun. I don't
want you working him to death

and turning it into a chore.

This is the difference
between you and me.

You look at the glass,
you say it's half empty.

I look at the glass and I say...

it's broken.

Hi, sweetie.

Mom, can you open this
can? My nails are still wet.

Why did you paint
your nails black?

Why did you paint yours pink?

Oh, OK. OK.

I get it. I get it. You're
trying to express yourself.

It's just part of growing
up. I think it's really cool.

Yeah, in fact, you know
what? I think they look great.

God help me!

- Hi, guys. How's it going?
- Hey, Mrs. Taylor.

Hey. Terrible.

The couple we've been
avoiding cornered us after school.

Yeah. We got a double-date
with Cathy and Greg tonight.

What happened to
the excuses I gave you?

sh*t down one by one.

I should've asked Dad
how he ducks people.

He doesn't have
to worry about it.

He's the one people are ducking.

[sighs] Sorry I'm late.
Got hung up at work.

We can catch the
second half of the game.

- OK, I'm ready.
- Look what I had made.

- [laughs] "Goal Brad Goal."
- Hey.

If your kid's a winner,
you gotta flaunt it.

Right.

- What are you doing home?
- Coach kicked me off the team.

Why did the coach
kick you off the team?

I told him off when
he benched me.

Why did he bench you?

More importantly, who are
you to tell your coach off?

Mom, we were up six
to nothing thanks to me.

Then our coach gets this idea

he should put in
the crappy players.

The crappy players?

I'm just trying to
build up my stats.

I had three goals
and it wasn't half-time.

I don't care if you had three...
Three goals at half-time?

I don't care if you
had goals.

The coach runs the team, Brad.

The coach wouldn't
have a team without me.

Me, me, me, me, me!

When did you become the
center of your own universe?

Why don't you ask your shirt?

Shirts don't talk.

Dad, we've worked
so hard for this.

You gotta talk some
sense into my coach.

No way your father's
going in to talk.

- I'll talk to his coach.
- Thank you.

I'll tell him my kid was wrong.

He deserves to be
kicked off the team.

- Now you're bailing.
- No. Don't start this.

- I see how it is.
- Hold on.

I thought we were
in this together.

You know what? I was wrong.

What is with him?

Where did he get the idea I'd
approve of him disobeying coach?

I don't know.

Maybe it had something to do
with "Brad, you're awesome."

"Brad, you're the
b*mb." "I can't hear you!"

Oh! You're blaming this on me?

I'm not just blaming you.

I blame every man
who thinks sports

are the only thing that matters.

I blame the press for
writing about winners.

The networks for making every
game seem like life and death.

I blame the advertisers

who only care about selling
beer and $ sneakers.

You're a rather angry
woman, aren't you?

Seventeen, , ...

- Easy there, neighbor.
- [grunts]

You might end up herniating your

nucleus pulposus and
end up with articulopathy.

- What?
- A pain in your butt.

[groans] Is your yoga
class over, Wilson?

Yeah. Thought I might
continue on with weight training.

You know, firm and toned.

Why don't you try
covered and hidden? Yah!

[Wilson laughs] So where's Brad?
I thought you were training him.

I was. He got kicked
off the soccer team

for mouthing off at the coach.

I wonder if I'm putting
too much pressure on him.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

You know, Tim, my father and I

went through the
same thing together.

You played soccer?

No, no, no, no,
no, no. Bagpipes.

You know, I was quite a prodigy,

but my father used to pressure
me to practice five hours a day.

And that pressure brought on
one of the darkest days of my life.

Tim, at the Saint Patrick's
Day Parade, I showboated.

Without shame,

I drowned out the entire
All-City Leprechaun Choir.

- That reminds me of the time...
- Tim, we're talking about me.

Sorry.

My father realized
that his badgering

was partly the
cause of my behavior.

- What did he do about it?
- Well, he lightened up.

Said, "Do your best.

If you're not the greatest
bagpipe player in the world,

it's OK." Oh, Tim, I felt so
much better. I sat right down.

I wrote a letter of apology to
each and every leprechaun.

Wow. Did you have to
write really, really tiny?

No, Tim. I didn't.

[tires screeching,
sirens wailing]

[man] Up against the
wall, punk. And spread 'em!

Very funny, Dad.

Turn that thing off for a
minute. I want to talk to you.

- There's nothing to talk about.
- Yeah, there is.

I want to talk about teamwork.

Um, you know Barry Sanders,

one of the greatest
running backs alive.

Not much without
his offensive line.

Michael Andretti, great driver.
Not much without his pit crew.

Michael Jordan...
Bad example. Um...

I know what
you're trying to say.

It's too late. I'm off the team.

Listen for a minute.

The reason I wanted the
scholarship so bad for you

is because you have
great athletic ability.

You know, I never played
sports when I was your age.

[laughs] Yeah, I know.
Grandma says you stunk.

It wasn't because I stunk. I
wasn't interested in sports.

Said you couldn't catch
a ball to save your life.

- It wasn't because...
- Two left feet.

Let me tell you
something about Grandma.

Grandma, great!

What a role model!
Threw like a girl all the time!

And oh, oh, oh! It was always
passed-down clothes for me!

You try playing football
in tap shoes! Try that!

Dad! Dad!

- Let's forget about Grandma!
- Yeah.

Her cube steak and
stewed tomato dinner...

Going out to football games I
couldn't even think, I had so much gas!

OK. OK.

The reason I
wanted you to do this

is because you're
good at soccer.

I wanted you to
realize your potential.

- That's what I want.
- But none of that will happen

unless you show good judgment
and respect for other people.

- So I guess I blew it.
- No. We both blew it.

I got too excited
about this scholarship

and I put too much
pressure on you.

- So what do we do now?
- What do we do now?

I say we talk to your coach.

What if he doesn't take me back?

I think he will. You
gotta apologize.

I do a little explaining. Huh?

[sighs] Thanks, Dad.

You bet. If it doesn't work out,

I know a guy that can set you
up with a bagpipe scholarship.

It's just really
great that you guys

finally found the
time to get together

- with Greg and me.
- You're not an easy couple
to pin down.

[laughs] And yet you
managed to catch us.

So how's your double-date going?

Remember how I told
you Cathy and Greg

were the most annoying
people in school?

- Uh-huh.
- They're the most
annoying on Earth.

Cathy and I can't wait to
go bowling with you guys.

I have a average.

- Oh, Greg. You're so showy.
- I'm not showy.

She always brings this up.

- I do not.
- Please!

Last Thursday night with
Dan and Irene? What was that?

You know what?
Don't start with me.

- You started with me.
- This is a nightmare.

[sighs] Well, look
at the bright side.

The bowling alley closes
in five-and-a-half hours.

- Let's go bowling!
- This is it. We're sunk.

So I'm ready to go bowling.
How about you guys?

You're coming with us?

Oh, I always go on
all of Randy's dates.

A boy needs his mother.

- That's right.
- Lauren, you're OK with this?

Yeah, I think it's
great. [laughs]

You know, on really
special occasions,

his grandmother comes too.

Just me and my women.

- I realized I can't go bowling.
- You can't?

- I forgot my shoe inserts.
- Oh!

- We should do this
another time.
- Yeah.

Sometime after the holidays.

- When things settle down.
- I'll call you.

- OK.
- OK.

- Bye-bye.
- [Jill] It was nice
to meet you.

[Randy sighs]

I don't think you'll
have to worry about

ducking Cathy and Greg anymore.

Thank you, Mrs. Taylor.

You know, you are so
much cooler than my parents.

- I am?
- Yeah.

They have this
thing about lying.

They think it's wrong. [laughs]

That's why I love my mom.

- [The Battle of
New Orleans plays]
- Three, four!

One, two, three, four!

One, two, three, four!

Hammer, hammer, hammer, hammer!

And a Jack, jack,
jack. Jack, jack, jack.

Saw, saw, saw, saw!

And one, two, three, four!

One, two, three, four!

Rivetdance! Huh!

Lord of the Rivets! Huh!

And one and two and three and
four and five and six and seven, eight!

One and two and three and four
and five and six and seven, huh!

♪ We stood beside our cotton
bales and didn't say a thing ♪

[applause]

Whoo!