04x08 - Patrick SmartPants/SquidBob TentaclePants

[bunniefuu]

( SpongeBob and Patrick
laughing )

Whoa!

( laughing )
Whoa!

( laughing uncontrollably )

You're it.

( both laughing )

You're it.

Wait, Pat... you're it!

( screams )

The sign!

( laughter turns to fear )

"D... an... ger...

Cl... iff."

( thud )

Patrick!

Let me help you
out of there, buddy.

( screams )

Is the rest of you down there?

The rest of me is up here.

Ooh, you had me
worried there, buddy.

( laughs )

Here's your head.

( laughs obnoxiously )

I find all this laughter
to be highly illogical.

Well, let's stop laughing
and let's start fishing.

Go ahead, you get first cr*ck.

Look at them... these graceful
stoic creatures of the deep.

Huh? Those are
some big words, Pat.

I've never heard you
use them before.

Nonsense, my vocabulary
is infinitely expanding.

Well, let's expand
our jellyfish nets.

Come on, Patrick.

Look, buddy, I captured one.

Yes, I captured one as well

without disturbing
its delicate ecosystem.

It is wrong to harness nature

in such a barbaric manner.

Okay.

What do you want to do?

Let us go off and admire

the beauty and
fragility of nature.

Pretty.

Yes, quite.

Fragile.

Indeed.

Come on, Patrick,
let's do something fun.

Oh, you want to run
some statistics

or observe phenomenon

and render hypothesis
of said phenomenon?

I was thinking
more like jumping rope

or one-legged races,

or playing duck-duck-
hermit crab.

Doesn't feel like fun.

How about some jokes.

( sighs )

Patrick, what's the difference

between a guitar
and a jellyfish?

You can't strum a jellyfish.

Yes!

( laughs obnoxiously )

( strums beautiful chord )

Oh, my, look at the time.

I really must be going.

What's wrong with Patrick?

I sure hope he gets better soon.

Are you better, Pat?

Uh, what are you doing?

Just studying
this amazing subspecies.

I'll show you subspecies.

Want to visit Squidward?

Since I am finished
with my work,

I'll humor you
in your trivial pursuits.

( playing off-key melody )

I'd recognize that
piece anywhere:

Cornelius Pufferfish's Opus ,
"Symphony in Blue."

Patrick?

It's a beautiful piece.

Execution needs some work.

May I suggest that
on the seventh bar

of the adagio andante
that you add a little fortissimo

on the arpeggiated b-flat scale?

Wow, I never thought
to do it like that.

Well, that is
because you rarely think.

How do you know
so much about music?

A creative outlet provides
a spiritual release

and helps facilitate
a healthy mental balance.

( inhales deeply )

Does that include ( belching )
belch talking?

Mr. SquarePants,
I find your humor vulgar.

I had no idea you were
so knowledgeable, Patrick.

Do you think
you could be
my musical mentor?

Uh, guys?

Let's take it from the top.

( squeaky notes )

Not so excellent, Squidward.

Let me demonstrate
the proper technique.

On second thought,
practice makes perfect.

Let's begin.

( playing nose )

Uh, thank you, my good chap.

Unfortunately this is
a solo piece for clarinet only.

And one, two, three, four.

( Squidward playing
clarinet off-key )

PATRICK:
Stop! Enough!
(door slamming)

Find yourself a new mentor!

Now that you have
some free time,

let's get some grub.

No, SpongeBob, I'm afraid not.

Well, I have a brand new bottle
of super bubbly bubble soap.

No, thanks again.

Maybe later we can play pirates.

Robert, my dear, it's no use.

We've just grown apart.

What?
What do you mean?

I know we've had fun
in the past,

but we're just not
compatible anymore.

It's time we went
our separate ways.

Such is life.

But Patrick,
you're my best friend.

l know it's hard,
but brace up, chap.

( sniffling ):
Yeah.

Maybe our paths
will cross again some day.

Think fondly of me,
Mr. SquarePants.

Good-bye... Mr. Best Friend.

( sobbing )

( doorbell rings )

Sandy, you there?

I need some professional help.

( Sandy and Patrick laughing )

Patrick?

Well, Pat, the new you
gets an "A" plus.

Why, thank you, Sandra.

l find your intellect
rather stimulating as well.

SANDY:
Oh, really? Thanks.

Patrick, what do you think
about this problem?

You simply change the literal
term to a coefficient

and the minuend will achieve
the desired quotient.

Even the simplest of mammals
could figure it out

with a little thought.

What do you mean
by that, Patrick?

I'm merely suggesting

you lack the ability
to solve remedial equations.

Are you suggesting I'm dumb?

I'd use a more sophisticated
word like "impaired."

I think you'd better leave.

I was only trying to help.

I don't need your kind
of help, Mr. Know-It-All.

l liked you better
when you were a barnaclehead!

( sniffling ):
I never thought I'd lose
my best friend.

How can I compete
with geniusness?

( crying )

Surrounded by knowledge,

and no one to share it with,

no one I can call friend.

Who's that old chap
I used to run with?

SpongeBob.

At least Patrick's my friend
in my memories.

Ah, the glory days.

Why have we grown apart?

I must apply all that I know
to solve this problem.

What could it be?

What's different?

( screaming ):
What?!

I'd do anything to have my old
buddy back by my side again.

( banging on door )

SPONGEBOB ( sadly ):
Coming.

Patrick... you're kidnapping me?

Yes, I am.

Yay!

What should we do?

We are going to have fun,

whatever the cost may be.

Let's do this.

Yes, let's have some fun.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, absolutely!

Are you quite sure I found
this activity to be fun?

Yeah.

( screaming )

That was fun, huh, Patrick?

( mumbling )

( sighs )

When did the fun
go away, SpongeBob?

It went away when you
jumped off that cliff

and knocked your head clean off.

That's it.
That's what?

What are you doing?

l'm going to duplicate
my actions from that day

to ascertain the origin
of my cha... an... nge!

( distant thud )

SPONGEBOB:
Patrick!

Hold on, buddy.

There you go.

Don't worry, Patrick.

I found your head last time,
l'll find it again.

Not back there, not under here.

What if I can't find it?

Oh, poor headless Patrick.

Patrick, your head is back.

But... uh...
do you feel different?

Quite unchanged, actually.

I guess we'll never
have fun together again.

You said you found my dislodged
cranial cap last time.

Yes?

Where exactly did you find it?

Um... it was right here.

Hmm... impossible.

If I landed here, the trajectory
of my dismembered skull

would cause it to come to rest
not there...

but here,
exactly five meters due north.

But if that's your head,
then what did I pick up over...?

Brain coral.

No wonder you got
so smart, buddy.

Here you go, Patrick,
your old head.

Are you sure you want to give up

being smart and phosisticated

to be my friend again?

Knowledge can never
replace friendship.

I prefer to be an idiot.

Not just an idiot, Patrick.

You're also my pal.

Patrick?

Say something, Patrick.

( belching ):
Hi, SpongeBob.

Patrick, you're back.

Patrick, you're back.

( both laughing goofily )

( jellyfish w*r cry )

( laughing goofily )

( playing jazzy tune )

( screaming )

Squidward, we love you!

Everybody, it's Squidward!
You're my favorite!

( Squidward laughing )

( alarm ringing )

( foghorn blares )

All right, all right.

Time for another
hideous day at work.

Uh, just hang in there,
gorgeous.

( plays note )

Your star will shine at
the clarinet recital tomorrow.

( chuckles )

Time for another glorious day
at work.

Good morning, Squidward.

And isn't it a lovely morning?

Why are you playing the clarinet

on your way to work?

l'm practicing
for my clarinet recital.

Soon all of Bikini Bottom

will recognize the talent
that is Squidward Tentacles.

Good-bye, SpongeBoob.

See you at The Krusty Krab,
Squidward.

Hey Sandy... what's this?

Well, this here's
my new matter transporter.

lt can move things
from one place to another

in the blink of an eye.

Ooh, that sounds fancy.

Let me show you how it works.

Whoa!

Where'd it go?

Just where you think
it would be.

( gasps ):
Oh!

Uh-oh, I'm late for work.

Think your machine could
zap me over to The Krusty Krab?

Always did want
to try a critter.

Sure, why not?

Get in there, SpongeBob.

Whoo-hoo!

Hold on tight.

SPONGEBOB:
Gee, Sandy, this sure feels...

( jabbering )

Well, here we go again.

Hey, Thkwidward.

( laughs )

What's going on with this thing?

( screaming )

What in tarnation?
( gasps )

Hi, Sandy!

I'm not sure what it is,

but something seems
different about me.

Yeah... me, too.

Hey, what're you doing
with my hand?

What... what am I doing
with your hand?

( Squidward screams )

What is this?

We're all mixed up together.

( straining )

This is horrible.

I have my clarinet
recital tomorrow.

Oh, it's not so bad, Squidward.

Now we can be best buddies and
do everything together forever.

( screams )

Sandy, was this your doing?

You've got to get us separated.

Well, I wish I knew how.

Well, you have to do something.

I can't stay stuck to him.

Hmm, I wonder what would happen

if I tried zapping you back
in the transporter?

Uh, yeah, good idea...
Let's do it.

Well, here goes nothing.

( zinging )

TEACHER:
All right, children,

today is Timmy's birthday.

You know what that means.

Ready, Timmy?

( strange moaning )

( teacher and Timmy screaming )

Congratulations,
Mrs. Smith.

You gave birth
to a healthy baby boy.

May I see my baby?

Of course.
( zinging )

( screaming )

I've been in love with you

ever since I first
laid my eye on you.

Hey, baby, what's your name?

It's no use, Sandy.

We're still the same.

Well, that's a darn shame.

You know what?

I was working on the blueprints
for a new invention,

but it's still
in the embryonic stage.

Try anything!

I cannot go to my clarinet
recital like this.

I'll continue working on it.

ln the meantime,
you boys keep your heads up.

Together forever.

Misery.

SpongeBob, hasn't anybody
taught you how to ride a bike?

Don't worry, I'll drive.

Ow! Ow!

SpongeBob!
Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

I got to lay off the hot sauce.

( crashing )

What in blazes
is going on in here?

Oh, hi, Mr. Krabs.

What are you two doing
laying around?

Get to work!

If you say so.

Egad! What happened to you?

Uh, I don't want to know.

Just go do your jobs.

Aye, aye, Cap'n!

Do you have to be such
an accommodating buffoon?

Squidward, everybody
knows I'm a sponge.

I look nothing like a balloon.

I don't have time for this.

I got to man the cash register.

( straining )

Whew!

Can I help you?

Can I get two Krabby Patties,
please?

SQUIDWARD:
SpongeBob, I need
two Krabby Patties.

Two Krabby Patties
coming right up.

I can't reach the bun.

SpongeBob, what's the hold up?

S-Sorry, Mr. Krabs,
I'm on it.

Time is money, boy.

Time is money, right.

( struggling )

Hello, bun, at last we meet.

( screams )

( horrific scream )

And now for...

( both screaming )

All right, that's it.

l can't afford you
jeopardizing me business.

You two are more trouble
than you're worth.

And don't come back until you
get this problem sorted out.

SPONGEBOB:
Look on the bright side,
Squidward.

At least we still
have each other.

That's how we got
in this predicament

in the first place,
you imbecile!

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'd like a moment of peace.

( starts playing clarinet )

Whoa!
Rock on, freaky bro.

SQUIDWARD:
Sandy! Sandy!

Please tell me you've figured
out a way to separate us.

Say hello to the
molecular separator ray.

Hello, molecular separator ray.

Well, let's get on with it.

My clarinet recital
is tomorrow night.

Uh, well, I'm not quite
done with it yet.

What'd you say?

I'm still putting it together.

At best I'll have it ready,

uh... day after tomorrow maybe?

What?
Day after tomorrow?

No, no, no, no!

I have a performance tomorrow.

I can't be stuck
to that yellow freak.

Sandy, please...
you got to do it
before the show.

Well, uh, I suppose...

I'll have it ready
before you go on.

( straining )

SQUIDWARD:
Of course.

Oh, my.

Where are you Sandy?

Sandy?

I can't do it,
I can't go out there.

Squidward...
this is your moment,

the story you will tell

when you look back
as a... superstar.

Superstar?

Now go out there and give them

the best darned show
they've ever seen.

You're right...
The show must go on.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlefish,

Bikini Bottom's
community rec center

is proud to present
Squidward Tentacles.

( applause )

( crowd oohing )

( playing soulful tune )

Honey, I'm scared.

( continues playing )

( murmuring )

( fabric ripping )

Oh!

( audience gasps )

Uh-oh.

Uh... hi.

Whoa!

( laughs )

Rock on, freaky bro.

Yeah! Whoo!

Whoa, look at them.

( murmuring )

( cheering and whistling )

Wow, they really liked it.

( laughing ):
There you go, Squiddy.

( cheering )

They... they...
they're cheering.

Superstardom... this must
be what it feels like.

This is what it looks like,

what it... sounds like,

and... ( inhales deeply )
what it smells like.

Wow, simply intoxicating.

Whoo-whee!
Well, there you boys are.

Looks like I'm just in time.

Sandy?

One blast

of this molecular separator ray,

and you'll be
separated for good.

No, no wait... Sandy, don't.

( zinging )

( crowd gasps )

Uh...
Um.. ( disappointed grumbling )

MALE FISH:
They lost me.

( clears throat )

( playing clarinet
discordantly )

Ugh!

I think I'm going to be sick.

Aah, I'm out of here.

Huh?
No, wait, wait!

( disappointed groans )

Aw, come on.

( yammering )

Oh, my one moment of fame gone.

There's got to be some way
to reverse this.

No, Squidward,
that's a very sensitive device.

Squidward, I wouldn't...

So, what seems to be
the problem, Mr. Tentacles?

It all started when I was born.