21x10 - The Candidate

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

We now return
to Lassie, starring Vin Diesel.

What is it, Lassie?

There's a fire down
at the old church?

And The Rock won't return
your texts or phone calls?

He totally blew you off
backstage

at the Kids' Choice Awards?

Was he hosting
or just presenting?

Oh, well, that's why.

Hey, fellas, three more beers
and a Johnnie Wheeler?

Yep.

Man, I love drinking
on a Saturday morning.

Thank God I figured out
how to sneak out of my house.

Has anyone seen your father?

I swear he was just here
a minute ago.

- Hi, Dad.
- I'm a waffle.

Peter, you're not going
to The Clam, are you?

Waffle!

Now prepare yourselves

'cause the sun is never brighter
than when you're day-drinking.

Oh, I think I can handle...

Aah!

I'm sorry for reading
people's mail.

Look, one of them scooters
you see everywhere

what runs by a app.

Boy, if this is what we get,
imagine what the m*llitary has.

What?

It's a perfectly
reasonable comment.

You know, the m*llitary had
the Internet way before we did.

GPS, drones, you name it.
Look around, guys.

It's an amazing time
to be alive.

♪ Wonders ♪

♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪

♪ That phone in your pocket
could power a rocket ♪

♪ But what does
the m*llitary have? ♪

Joe's song made me
kind of want to try it.

All right, now to scan
this simple code

like every
middle-aged white guy.

It's not... I can't...
I'm doing exactly what it said.

I-I...
Do I take a picture, or...?

Is there an actual person
I can talk to?

'Cause it's not working.

Oh, okay. No, wait,
now it's doing something.

- Computers, am I right?
- No, you're not.

- "Push off."
- You're choking me.

♪ Holiday road ♪

♪ Holiday road ♪

♪ Holiday road. ♪

Peter, where are we going?

Relax.
It's our nation's capital.

I'm just a fan of history.

Peter, what are you up to?

What? I just love
our government.

Or at least I used to.

Hey, Cleveland, wake up.

No, don't wake him.
Don't wake him.

I don't think he wants
to be reminded.

All those in favor
of a giant key ring

for our jail cell, say "aye."

Mayor West, four citizens
have gone missing.

They were last seen heading
south on a Bird scooter.

Saddle my horse.

As mayor, I reckon it's my duty
to round up the strays

and bring 'em back to safety.

He-yaw!

Oops, sorry. They-yaw!

Thank you.

♪ Holiday road ♪

♪ Holiday road. ♪

All right, I've been driving
for 18 hours.

Someone else take the wheel...
Aah!

Loose opioid!

Oh, crap. A alligator.

Oh, hey. Would you consider
not eating us?

Uh... yeah. Maybe.

- Oh, thank God.
- I think "maybe" means "no."

He's just being polite.
He's gonna eat us.

Well, look at that,

six summers at Lasso Camp
finally paid off.

That's where you learned
to use the ropes?

No, it was Ted Lasso Camp.

That's where I learned
to be nice funny.

Sometimes comedy is
building people up.

I know, I know.
It's hard to change.

Yep, we're back from space,
everyone. We did it.

They know you weren't
in space, Peter.

There are social media posts
of you crying

'cause you couldn't
stop a scooter.

But we're still glad
you're home.

Boy, Mayor West is a hero,
always saving the day.

One day, I want to be mayor.

Well, Stewie,
it's a noble aspiration.

A good start would be
learning about politics

- and getting involved at school.
- Eh, I suppose so.

A vote for Doug
is a vote for progress.

Oh, hey, Stewie.

I had no idea I'd run
into the town square

in the Town Square.

Are you gonna go down
the hot metal slide

in shorts again?

Yes, Doug, I made a mistake.
That's how you learn things.

What are those flyers for?

I'm running for preschool
snack captain.

Throwing my diaper
into the ring.

All the snack captain does
is wear a paper hat

while the teacher passes out
Goldfish crackers.

Sure, but you know
what they say.

"Today, snack captain,
tomorrow, mayor."

- Mayor?
- This is just a formality.

My opponent Noah got
foot-in-mouth disease,

so I'm running unopposed.

I'd really have to put
my foot in my mouth to lose.

Ho-ho. Is funny
because wordplay.

Huh, I guess Fuad
still lives in Quahog.

Brian, Stewie Griffin is now
running for snack captain.

And I will defeat
that jerk Doug.

Well, we got our fellas back,
and I reached my steps today.

- What's that?
- Oh, it's a watch that tracks

the number of steps
I take each day.

Wow.

♪ Wonders ♪

♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪

♪ Look around and be amazed ♪

♪ That pad on your lap
could buy a shirt at the Gap ♪

♪ But what does
the m*llitary have? ♪

He was asking
too many questions.

All right.
Listen, Rupert.

I'm running for snack captain,
and our lives are going to be

under the microscope
more than they ever have before.

So all I'm gonna say is,
I just want to applaud you again

on your commitment to sobriety.

What do you mean
"wine doesn't count"?

Yes, rosé is wine.

And I don't want
to hear the term

"California sober"
come out of your mouth.

Hey, Stewie.

Brian, I want you to be
my campaign manager.

Really?
What do I have to do?

You'll be in charge of
setting up my w*r room

- and situation room and sex room.
- Sex room?

Shh, I can't let
Mr. Dramatic over there know.

I don't know.
This is already weird.

Please, Brian.
I need this.

I need this the way
a shoe salesman needs

that foot-measuring device.

I can say with absolute
scientific certainty

that you're a 10 1/2.

Now let me get you some shoes
that still may or may not fit.

Hey, Stewie,
a little birdie told me

you've thrown your hat
into the snack captain ring.

Actually it was a tweet.

I just want to say I hope
we can have a fair campaign

and forget any past
tension between us.

Consider them forgotten,
like La La Land,

the most celebrated movie
ever made

that suddenly no one remembers,
mentions, or cares about.

- Oh, he nailed you.
- I'm voting for Doug.

I'm too young to deliver a joke.

Well, looks like
the gloves are off.

But I've taken on
bigger challenges.

Like playing a game
of Paul Simon Says.

Paul Simon says
Art Garfunkel is a loser.

Oh, come on, Paul.
It's been 40 years. Let it go.

Paul Simon says
I wrote all the songs.

We know that.
No one is denying you credit.

Paul Simon says five-two is the
cutoff for being really short,

- not five-three.
- You know what? I'm bored.

I'm gonna play
Simon Cowell Says.

Simon Cowell says
men should wear low V-necks

- and have breasts.
- Thank you for One Direction.

Stewie, our polls show that your
classmates see you as aloof.

We need a photo op
of you kissing a baby.

All right, well,
make it a BOC.

- A what?
- A baby of color.

Stewie, what's going on?

I thought I was
your campaign manager.

I want you and Chris
to compete for my favor.

I will reward absolute loyalty,

even if you have to go
to prison for it.

- And who are all these people?
- College Republicans.

When they're not on Barstool

or wearing boat shoes nowhere
near a boat, they're here.

I've also scheduled
a whistle-stop tour

of the playground.

You need to reach
the seesaw kids,

the slide kids, and spend time
with the jungle gym kids

so they know
they have your support.

Ugh, okay,
but bring the Purell.

I'll make a speech even greater
than Jeffrey Epstein's eulogy.

He gone!

Stewie, this
debate is make-or-break.

I've been working
on a strong opening.

Take control early,
get 'em on your side,

and it's easier to
keep them there.

Stewie, would you like to begin?

Thank you.

My friends,

this election is about
the future of snack time.

I disagree.
This election is about you.

Who is this guy? I love him.

And may I call your attention
to my opponent's actions

during the att*ck
on The Capitol?

Here is Stewie
waving to supporters

safely behind barricades.

And here he is with Josh Hawley,

fleeing the riot
they helped stoke.

Wow, what a little bitch.

Uh-oh.

Doug... are you okay?

My God, is Doug...
pooping his pants?

Ew!

What a godsend.

We'll call him Poopy-Doopy Doug.
He'll never shake it.

He surged in the polls?

It humanized him,
made him more relatable.

Well, two can play at that game.

Global events conspired
to push us off the front page.

Chris, the election's tomorrow.
It's do-or-die time.

What the hell?
You work for Doug now?

I'm sorry, Stewie.
Your campaign is a sinking ship.

I need a winner.
I'm a professional.

You'd abandon your brother
like that?

Sorry, but that's the way
things go on The Hill.

What? Is that...
Is that a thing?

No. What you just saw
was a sizzle reel

that cost me $75,000
of my own money.

Friends told me
not to use my own money.

"What do they know?"
I told myself at the time.

The network decided
not to move forward with it.

But they said they still love

being in the Chris Griffin
business.

Brian, you're a loyal dog, and
you've got a belly rub coming.

Maybe something a little more.

But first we've got to find
dirt on Doug.

All right, there's
his campaign headquarters.

You stand lookout, and I'll
sneak inside looking for dirt.

Stay focused.
Don't lick your balls.

God.
Wasn't gonna lick my balls.

My God, Doug's got a file on me.

"Stewie Griffin's Weaknesses."

"Shapes"?
How dare he?

And to think I let him into
my innermost rhombus of trust.

It's hard to rectangle this
with the Doug I knew.

Okay, the Internet is not
enjoying the shape jokes.

Wait, what do we have here?

Doug still uses a pacifier?

Oh, wait till the papers
hear about this.

Damn it, get your act together
down there, you kooks.

And that, my fellow classmates,
is how I discovered

that Courteney Cox
bleaches her starfish.

Anyway, got off
on a tangent there,

but more germane
to this election,

I have discovered that
my opponent still uses this!

Are you willing to vote

for a representative
who literally sucks?

I think not.

Stewie Griffin
for snack captain.

Thank you, Stewie.

Doug, final remarks?

Ladies and gentlemen
of the preschool,

we all know Stewie
has a brother and a sister.

Have you ever wondered why they
are so much older than Stewie?

Where is this going?

Well, I have,
and I did some research.

What I found confirms
the dark secret

that I already suspected...

Stewie Griffin
was a "whoops baby."

What the devil
are you talking about?

Stewie Griffin was a mistake!

- Oh, my God.
- A mistake?

He's a big fat phony.

Okay, I think I know
whose kid that is.

That's impossible.
How could you know that?

Oh, I had a very
reliable source.

Tell me what you know.

Stewie's a mistake.

How do you know this?

Because I'm his brother.

Hey, Stewie.
What's wrong?

In an effort
to win the election,

Doug has stooped to
the most preposterous

of lies and mudslinging.

He claims I was a whoops baby.
A mistake.

Well, if you think about it,
it, it is possible.

No, it's not.
That's absurd.

To be honest,
I've wondered the same thing.

You are much younger
than Chris and Meg.

Lois and Peter had two children
back-to-back,

a boy and a girl,
one of each, and then stopped.

And those two
were already a stretch

for Peter's meager salary.

I mean, don't you think
it's a little odd

that their plan would include
waiting 14 years,

until Lois was in her 40s...

Not exactly prime
reproductive years...

To have their third child?

I-I'm not saying it's true,

but if you do the math,
it kind of makes sense.

My God, everything
about this is terrible.

Why do you think
Peter keeps leaving you

on the fire station steps?

Most things about this
are terrible.

Come on, little guy,
time to go to the fire station.

Let me just fix my face.

All right, let's go.

I can't believe they never
bothered to tell me

I was a mistake.

Well, I'll get my revenge

by using the one Tr*mp card
every baby has.

I'll refuse to put on my shoes.

Stewie, let's get your shoes on.
We're going out.

Oh, oka... Hold still, Stewie.

Come on, let me get
your shoes on.

Damn it, Stewie! Stop kicking.

Will you just...
Will you hold still?

Damn it. Stop kick... Stewie.

Well, so much for going
to the Dangly Shiny Keys Show.

Dangly Shiny Keys Show?

What are we waiting for?
Let's go.

What were you upset
about earlier?

I don't know, I don't remember.

Me neither,
but this is amazing.

What are we doing
at this coffee shop, Stewie?

This is Lois's favorite spot
and I hacked their system

so they only accept Apple Pay.

She's gonna have
no clue what to do.

I'm sorry,
we only take Apple Pay.

Oh, what?...?
I-Is that on my computer?

Yeah, and if you don't have it,

we're gonna have to
take the coffee back.

You'll do no such thing.

Shawn Mendes?!

That's right. Wherever
a suburban mom is having trouble

with a phone thing,
I'll be there.

Give me your phone.

Here's your coffee.

What do you
mean the menu's online?

I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere.

♪ Shawn Mendes. ♪

All right, time for
a little payback.

Let's see how the fat man feels
about having a mistake baby

when he has to listen
to that same child blast

rebellious rock and roll.

♪ Sugar... ♪ -

Ha! How do you like that,
old man?

If it's too loud,
you're too old!

Hey, what's going on down here?
I love this song.

No. No, you're supposed to be
mad about this.

I do have an issue
with the volume, though.

- Oh, yeah, here we go.
- It needs to be louder.

♪ Honey... ♪

Hey, we heard The Archies,
so we brought punch.

What? No. No.

This is supposed
to be making you furious.

Oh, God, this music is
making me lose it.

Should we order
two cheese pizzas?

- Uh, yeah.
- I'm in.

Hey, Quagmire,
Betty or Veronica?

Both.

- ♪ Oh, Quagmire ♪
- ♪ Oh, sugar ♪

- ♪ Who else but Quagmire? ♪
- ♪ Oh, honey, honey. ♪

- Hey, Stewie.
- What do you want?

Listen, Stewie, I'm sure whoever
broke this whoops baby story

to sink your campaign

never intended you
to take it personally.

There's something
I think you should see.

What? You've got a secret
weapons room?

Not exactly.
It's a p*rn room.

These are impressively
organized and cataloged.

People in the community
like things well-labeled,

so I developed
the Spewey Decimal System.

I don't want to sound
like a square,

but if you put
this level of effort

into your schoolwork,
you could really soar.

See that?

That's a mint condition 1983

Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn
sex tape.

Never been opened.
Market value of $150K.

Well, if it's never been opened,

how do you know
it's the real thing?

Oh, it's the real thing.

People in the community
trust each other.

Stop saying
"people in the community."

I prefer not to picture
that community.

Anyway, there's one I think
you might be interested in.

This is dated exactly
nine months before I was born.

You have a whole shelf of Lois
and the Fat Man's sex tapes?

I have the camera in there
on a grunt sensor.

There's a lot of Dad
just going to the bathroom.

That's disturbing even to me,

and I've been to an
Eyes Wide Shut party.

Sorry, sir, there's a strict
800-penis limit.

If I let you in,

the fire marshal
will be all over my back.

But the fire marshal's on
that guy's back.

Yeah, but he'll get off
his back and on my back.

It's a great party.

Hey, everyone,
I'm Peter Griffin,

and this is
my Real World audition.

Peter... there's
something I want to do.

Oh, God, I know that look.

You're ovulating.
Wha-What are you doing?

No. No! Aah!

Wow.
Lois has strong thighs.

Please, no!

Fine, just get it over with.

I'm gonna be a mom again!

My existence is justified.

The old man's
got quite a meat bag on him, huh?

This... was the night
I was conceived?

Yep.

That's how it happened
with all of us, Stewie.

That's why we're trash people.

But this means...

technically I'm only
half an accident.

- Yep.
- Thanks, Chris.

It was me.

I was complimenting
my own meat bag.

Brian, say hello
to the new snack captain.

You actually won?
Wow, congrats, Stewie.

I thought you being a mistake
ruined your chances.

How'd you pull it off?

It turns out 70% of
the kids' parents aren't married

and 30% are mistakes.

Nobody gets married anymore.

One kid doesn't even
have parents.

He just kind of appeared.
Sleeps in one of the cubbies.

I mean, that's the story

I would have told this week,
but whatever.

Oh, and Doug d*ed in a commuter
plane crash this morning.