02x09 - I Know What You Did Last Summit

[bunniefuu]

♪ ("SUNSET" BY
CAROLINE POLACHEK PLAYING) ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Greetings, followers.

Thought I'd treat you
with an early morning editorial.

We, like our newsfeeds, grids, and bios,

all need a refresh now and then.

And yours truly has recently developed

an appreciation for trying new things.

Because only when we venture
outside our comfort zone

do we find ourselves
swapping tired old "shoulds"

for wired new "coulds."

(PANTS, MOANS) Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, f*ck! I love you!

I love how you both make me feel.

- Whoo.
- M... make each other feel.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, all the... all the feels.

- Yeah.
- All of 'em, yeah.

(EXHALES)

- Do you guys want breakfast?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

GOSSIP GIRL: It's thrilling at first

to find yourself in new territory.

Like a drug taking you higher
than you ever thought you could go.

NICK LOTT: Just a few more steps, and...

Ta-da!

You dragged me blocks
to show me a closed cookie shop?

And the soon-to-be offices

of the new Lott Legal Action Firm.

What? Are you joking?

No, but what about
your corporate overlord?

Will be getting my notice
at the end of week.

Wow, you're actually doing it.

I've always told you, dreams
don't come true by themselves.

You have to make them.

And paying my dues with the de Haans

- made it possible.
- Yeah.

Role modeling super hard right now.

(CHUCKLES) About time I did that again.

Very proud of you. But I gotta say,

I'm vaguely craving a
chocolate chip cookie right now.

Well, I'll keep
the cookie part open for you.

GOSSIP GIRL: But remember,
all dr*gs have a comedown.

And every leap of faith
can end in a crash landing.

(GASPS)

It appears our daughter has topped

Gossip Girl's
"Least Trending List" this week.

(GREYSON DE HAAN CHUCKLING)

That bitch turned me
from a queen to a commoner

in one day, and you're happy about it?

Maybe now you will focus
on your studies.

I'm quite sure our little girl
will find a way to get herself

back on top. Isn't that right, kiddo?

No. Mom's right. Gossip Girl won.

A de Haan never surrenders.

I didn't surrender. I was defeated.

And de Haans do not claw
their way to the top.

They get there on their own,
or they don't deserve to.

GOSSIP GIRL: But what good's
a reward without a little risk?

My advice, be bold.
Because at the end of the day,

how do you want to be remembered?

OBIE BERGMANN: Right there.
No, right there.

That's the punch that fractured my rib.

That's not something to joke about.

OBIE: Come on,
it could've been a lot worse.

How? Someone decided
it was more important

to film your att*ck
than to help or call the cops,

letting the monster
who att*cked you go free.

I'm sure the guy
was just in a bad way, you know.

He probably needed some money.

Congratulations.

You officially have the body
to match that bleeding heart.

The one person you cannot
have sympathy for is GG.

She's created this world where
we've traded basic human decency

for voyeuristic nihilism.
It's a whole new low.

Well, maybe it's time
to just give up the GG vendetta.

Right? I mean, she hasn't
been great for your friendships.

If it wasn't for her,
Audrey and I would be fine.

Once GG's taken out,
I can repair everything else.

And once you're out of here,
I can nurse you back to health.

How do you feel about healing
at the Greenwich this weekend?

Perfect. Heidi's in town this weekend.

Book the North Moore penthouse?

Okay.

(GRUNTS)

- sh*t, sorry.
- Yeah. It's okay, it's okay.

- I'll see you later.
- OBIE: Yeah.

You know where to find me. (CHUCKLES)

JORDAN GLASSBERG: Our first walk
for coffee together.

I mean, we've done it a million times,
but not as an "us."

Speaking of, are we an "us"?

- Am I saying "us" too much?
- Mm.

Also, I'm thinking about
getting my nipples pierced

or your face tattooed on my abs.

Thoughts?

Uh, yeah, that... That sounds good.

You haven't been listening to a

word I've said for the last ten minutes.

But maybe I should be
more bothered by the fact

that a child was beaten up
and you seem giddy.

I'm not giddy he got hurt.

I'm giddy because
we got international attention!

Particularly in Germany.

You're hoping Helena steps foot
onto US soil

and Gossip Girl gets the credit
for her arrest.

- Then what?
- Then the floodgates open!

Every rich kid in Manhattan
slides into my DMs,

exposing the sins of their parents.

Dozens of Madoffs
made off with in a month,

freeing up a whole generation
to be multitudes better

than the ones that came before it.

Is this maybe going
to your head a little bit?

Shouldn't it be?

Once Gossip Girl starts targeting

the top one percent of the one percent,

it's only a matter of time before...

They target me right back?
Is that what you're afraid of?

You don't think they're gonna
use their endless money

- and power to find you?
- Let's say you're right.

That Gossip Girl entering more dangerous

waters develops an expiration date.

How soon do we think we have? A year?

Billionaires will be after you.

You'd be lucky to survive a week.

It'll take me a week
just to read all the DMs

we get after this. We agreed on a month.

After that, we renegotiate.

It won't be open for negotiation!

It'll be open season on your identity.

Maybe you could dodge it for a month.

And I'll help you do
whatever you need to do

during that time, no questions asked.

Looks like my mom has really
taken to equine therapy.

She said it's inspiring her
to sketch again.

Don't mention that to your dad

or Messica will drop a line of chaps

before Keeks is out of rehab.

Do not worry about that. With GG's help,

I will have both
of their reputations destroyed

by the time my mom hits step nine.

The way your mind works
is truly terrifying.

But I also love it.

MAX WOLFE: Oh, hey,
th... there's, uh, Luna.

I pro... I promised her
that I would, uh,

I'd help her with, um...

(CHUCKLES) I'll see...
I'll see you guys later.

AUDREY HOPE: We need to talk
about the eight-letter elephant

in the room.

LUNA LA: Why would you say it first?

You know better. You never say it first!

Yes, it was in the heat of the moment.

I was in a really good mood,
and it just... you know, I...

It just slipped out. But still...

Why didn't we say it back?

I just wasn't expecting it.
It was a surprise.

It did come out of nowhere.
But are we even sure it wasn't...

- Total accident.
- So, you didn't mean it?

How do you know
if you mean it, you know?

Because I've... I've never...

...been in a relationship
for longer than three days before us.

I mean, if he meant it,
it's kind of a big deal.

And that we didn't reciprocate is...

...humiliating.

Is it possible that you said it
because you do love them?

Then the only question left is...

...why we didn't say it back?

He did pretend like he didn't say it,
so why don't we do the same?

Yeah, you're right.
I need to tell them the truth.

I need to tell them
that I actually meant it.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(EXHALES) You're so right.

Knowing Max,
we'll never hear about it again.

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

(STUDENTS GASPING)

(APPLAUSE)

(STUDENTS CHEERING)

Were they cheering her snubbing you?

Yet another reason
we need to destroy Gossip Girl.

- Okay. I'm gonna go find Shan.
- Z, we can't give up.

We just need a new plan.

I know we couldn't convince
people to unfollow GG, but maybe...

What if we made a competing account
that stole all her followers?

Like Whisper Sister or Rumor Bro.

Jules, listen to me.
There is no "we" in this.

This is your mission, not mine.

My dad is trying to launch his own firm,

and I can't risk provoking her
and having it blow back on him.

If you care about him and me,

neither should you.

(SIGHS)

That didn't sound very sisterly.

(SIGHS) She doesn't understand.

I wish everyone could see
that I'm just trying

to make things right for everyone.

Audrey especially. And even she
won't make eye contact with me.

LUNA: It's only half personal.

Between us,
there's some throuple trouble.

You know about that thing with Aki?

No. Max. What's going on with Aki?

- Uh, what's up with Max?
- Not to be repeated, okay?

But he dropped the L-b*mb

and received radio silence in return.

Ouch. Is he okay?

He's in love. I'm sure they are, too.

They just need time
to figure out their feelings.

Unless Gossip Girl blows them up first.

Help me bring her down, Lun. Please.

Declare w*r on the one person
who finally put my mom in her place?

I'm sorry, JC, I'm solidly team GG.

sh*t. It's worse than I thought.
(SNICKERS)

Not only did I bring
L'Appartement croissants,

I've upgraded you to a VIP suite.

No. That's...

really not necessary.

Well, it is all my fault, so...

No, it's nobody's fault, Heidi.
I got jumped.

By a guy I paid to att*ck you,

and another I paid to film you
and send it in to Gossip Girl.

What the actual f*ck, Heidi?
You're kidding, right? (CHUCKLES)

You put me in the hospital?

Why would you... Oh, my God.

Are you trying... You're... you're...

You're trying to trick Mom
into coming back

- to the United States?
- Not even she could resist this.

Once she arrives, we'll send a signal in

to Gossip Girl to take her down.

It won't work.

Mein armes Kind! (SIGHS)

Mein Schatz. Are you okay?

Yes, I'm better now that you're here.

See, Mama? I told you how much it
would mean to him to have you here.

(EXHALES) Okay.

(WHISPERS) What the f*ck?

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

I heard all about it.

He's excited. It's cute.
I'm happy for you both.

He's more of like a D-level
Andrew Garfield for my taste,

but you have different standards.

- Shame it won't last.
- What's that supposed to mean?

Well, he said you promised
you'd give it up.

Once I burn the Bergmanns, I will.

We've been working on this
for too long to stop now.

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

♪ (CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GREYSON: (OVER VIDEO) Gossip Girl
has become Manhattan's latest menace,

turning children against
each other and their parents.

And it's time we stop her.

So I am issuing a warning
to her directly.

Don't post again.

Because if you do,
I will give a million dollars

to anyone who reveals
your identity. Anyone.

Looks like the de Haans are burning you.

GREYSON: This is not
a personal vendetta.

I have seen firsthand
the destructive nature

of Gossip Girl's slander.

REPORTER : Over here, Mr. de Haan.

Mr. de Haan, do you have
a minute for a question, please?

Yes. Yes, I do.

REPORTER :
Will you pursue legal action?

He's bluffing.
GG will never agree to this.

Then why hasn't she posted?

REPORTER : Is there something
about your company

you don't want Gossip Girl to find out?

I've got nothing to hide.
Okay, that's it. Thank you.

REPORTER : A million dollars,
sir! What can you say about that?

- ♪ (CURIOUS MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Max! Uh, just in time to choose dinner.

WenWen or Bonnie's?
I vote WenWen, but...

Look, about this morning.
I... I don't want anything to be weird.

Neither do we.

Which is why I'm saying this
while I still have the courage.

- ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- I love you.

Both of you. I said it and I meant it,

and I... I'm saying it again.

Okay. You go.

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

Oh, my God. Monet's dad put
a bounty out on Gossip Girl.

- This is crazy!
- Oh, that is wild.

Yeah. Unbelievable.

GREYSON: ...who reveals
your identity. Anyone.

Gossip Girl has become
Manhattan's latest menace...

This is terrible.

I thought this is exactly
what you wanted.

A bounty is not enough.
She needs to face real consequences

for the harm she caused,

and not be allowed to vanish
into thin air.

Otherwise, who's to say
she doesn't rise up in some other way

and cause even more harm next time?

I need to trigger that bounty
so her identity is revealed.

- How?
- I need to get her to post.

And why would she do that?

JULIEN CALLOWAY: Gossip Girl
can't handle being scooped.

I need something so hot
she can't hold on to it.

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

I wonder if that's a million
before or after taxes?

If we're dating now,
you're gonna have to get

a lot better at reading me.
This is anger.

Maybe it should be relief.

I know we decided on a month,

but Gossip Girl disappears,
no questions asked.

You don't get revealed and in trouble.

We can go back
to living our lives free and...

I can't just go silent.

What about Helena? She just gets off?

I don't get it.

Thought Camille was on GG's side.

Something must have changed,
if I could just figure out why.

Too bad you can't just ask her.

What I'm reading now isn't anger, but...

somehow worries me even more?

You're learning.

Wait, you didn't finish your lunch!

(GROANS)

Zatoichi samurai movies.

Ripped and ready for while you recover.

- (GROANS) Right on.
- f*ck, dude.

Yeah, I've been better.

Did you see
that Gossip Girl bounty is up?

It's, like, all over your dad's network.

You know I don't watch his channel.

Dude, what if this is it?

This is, you know,
the end of Gossip Girl?

Your dad has profited
off her tips before, you know.

I wouldn't be surprised if he
does not agree with the bounty.

Gossiping tides rise all boats
or whatever.

Well, I haven't seen him in months.

And if it weren't for
this stupid Rhinebeck Summit

he makes me go to every year,

I would gladly
love to keep that streak going.

That whole Bonding
for Billionaires thing?

Oh, that's... that's this weekend?

Dude, you just got att*cked
and all you wanna talk about

- is my dad and Gossip Girl?
- Yeah, I... Dude...

I know, I have no clue what I'm saying.

I'm on so many painkillers, honestly.

(SIGHS) No. Uh, sorry, it's honestly me.

My head's all over the place right now.

What's up?

Max said, "I love you."

Whoa!

That's great.

- But we didn't say it back.
- Okay, not so great.

Do you remember my friend Ingrid?

- Uh-oh.
- Her and I may have kissed.

- (LAUGHING) Oh, no.
- But it didn't...

It didn't mean anything...

- truthfully.
- Uh-huh.

And if something like that happened,

I would have to tell Max and Audrey...

before I say "I love you" back.

(EXHALES) You know what?
Given my track record

of saying the L-word at the worst times,

I'm gonna give you the advice
that you'd give me.

Tell them about Ingrid.
They'll respect the honesty.

And once that's off your chest,

you can tell them how you really feel.

You do love him, right?

♪ ("MENTIRAS CON CARIÑO" BY
ADRIAN QUESADA AND ILE PLAYING) ♪

- (CELLPHONE BUZZES)
- (SIGHS)

I'm not allowed to talk to you.

Are you allowed to have drinks with me?

I'm sure we could both use a few,

and since when does Max Wolfe
do what he's supposed to?

I wanna clear some air.

It's gonna take more than drinks
to do that, Jules.

I'll splurge for the apps, too.

(SIGHS) Meet you at Dumbo Hall
in an hour.

So, this one is for Audrey Hope,
this is for Aki Menzies,

- and I assume this is for Max?
- Actually, no.

I'll get you the address for this one.

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

- Another.
- Make that two.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Extra dirty.

This reminds me of the last time
we got day drunk.

Best Purim ever.

Shouldn't you be menacing Munich?

Or perhaps blitzing London?

Why not get blitzed right here?

Can't you tell my misery
doesn't want your company?

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

Yeah. I see your love

for playing mind games
continues, liebling.

I'm not playing anything.

And I don't love anything, either.

Oh, I'm with you.

Lust only, no unnecessary frills.

Like that night we toured
the city's best hotel bathrooms.

There's been a lot of new
construction since the pandemic.

I've been dying to be seen
inside the Brooklyn Ace.

I don't cheat on my partners.

Gute Nacht, Heidi.

(SIGHS) He's definitely mad.
Why didn't I just say it?

It should have been so easy.

It's on the tip of my tongue sometimes.

I've almost said it a bunch.

Do I not know how to say it?
Am I deep down incapable of it?

You tell me you love me all the time.

Yeah, and I do. I mean...

Look, things have been so good

between the three of us
until now, right?

Why couldn't you say it?

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- f*ck, that's him.

Uh, no, it's Ben's knock. Come in!

These came for you, Akeno.

"The Standard at : .
Room's under your name.

- "Love, Max."
- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)

AUDREY: Oh, it's my doorman.

He sent the same thing
to me, too. How sweet.

Now we can hash this all out together
and leave nothing unsaid.

Can't wait.

KATE KELLER: Oh. Oh, um...

We have a camera.

I watched you work up
the courage for two minutes

- while I was on a Zoom.
- Oh. (LAUGHS WEAKLY) Um...

Right. Uh, sorry to bother you.
There's a, um,

- delicate matter that I...
- CAMILLE DE HAAN: My daughter?

I have minutes. Come in.

I've been concerned since, um,
everything that happened.

She's fallen behind in her schoolwork.
More behind than usual.

And, um, with PSATs coming up
next week, I'm, uh,

worried she doesn't seem like herself.

She lives on drama.
She's not been fed lately.

I heard about
your husband's press conference

threatening Gossip Girl.

Bold move. (LAUGHS)

The two of you
must really want her gone.

There's no "two of us."

He did that knowing full well
I don't agree.

Wow. GG can be divisive.

Anyway, I hope Monet's okay.
I just wanted to offer my help

in case there's anything I can do.

I would hate to see her lose out
on both her popularity

and her potential college prospects.

How can you help?

Perhaps some tutoring?
I did get a on my SATs.

Got into Barnard, early admission.

We're going to this summit upstate.

Perhaps it might make my life
a little easier

if Monet were preoccupied
while we were there.

She has a habit of making a scene.

I think I've read about this summit.

Where even the backchannels
have backchannels.

(LAUGHS) More like an excuse
for the one percent

to talk sh*t in person
instead of on Bloomberg. But...

(LAUGHS)

Pack a bag.

I'll add your name to the family table.

(MOUTHS) Yes!

Anything for Monet.

(TRAFFIC RUMBLING)

Shouldn't you be
in bed looking helpless?

What if Mom sees?

(SIGHS) I told her I was feeling better.

She said she's just glad

that my attacker didn't damage
the Bergmann Brow.

A maternal moment?

- I know. (GRUNTS)
- How surprising.

If only she knew
her two precious children tried

and failed to put her in prison.

We haven't failed yet.

Aki's dad is gonna be
at the thing this weekend,

and, you know, I'm gonna convince him

to get Greyson to...
retract that bounty.

You think you can convince Roger
to do anything?

You know, I warned them
not to hit you on the head.

Look, it'll take
a little negotiating, all right?

But that's what our family's best at.

Okay. So, I need to get Mom there

to keep her stateside
until Gossip Girl can...

take her out.

Well, like you said,
she's feeling maternal.

I'd say a family vacation is in order.

Remember, none of us leave that room

until we've all said it. No excuses.

(SIGHS)

AKI MENZIES: Ingrid?

Oh, my God. Audrey?

AUDREY: What the f*ck is going on?

I thought you wanted to see me alone?

(SCOFFS) Are you trying
to f*ck my boyfriend?

No, of course not. I didn't even
know she was gonna be here.

You invited me here!

You did what now?

First the kiss, then the flowers.

Are you f*cking with me?

Kiss? What kiss?

(CELLPHONE CAMERA CLICKS)

AKI: Hey. Hey. Hold on. Hey, stop!

Hey!

Please don't get me fired.
A girl paid me fifty dollars

to take a photo
when you opened the door,

but I will delete it right now if you...

Girl? What... what girl?

Hot. With a shaved head?

I'll pay you double to tell
my girlfriend that right now.

(TRAFFIC RUMBLING IN DISTANCE)

How stupid does she think I am?

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Well?

Looks like yours truly will be meeting
with Gossip Girl tomorrow.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(SIGHS)

Sorry, I didn't know
if I still had to knock.

You always have to knock.
Wait, did you take my keys?

Yes.

- (KEYS CLATTER)
- Anyway, hope you like arepas.

- Our dinner date. Remember?
- Right. Sorry, I, um...

I, uh, got caught up with something.

Kate, uh, one post
and every hacker on the globe

will be after you in nanoseconds.

Not if I can get Greyson to drop
the bounty. Camille's helping me.

- What? You said I had a month!
- That's out the window!

And work... working with Camille
is way too risky!

What if it's a trap?
What if she turns on you?

How can you protect yourself?

Well, luckily, my boyfriend's
a computer genius.

- He'll protect me.
- Boyfriend?

Tell me what to do.

♪ ("ROMANCE WITH A MEMORY"
BY OLIVER SIM PLAYING) ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, nice, an ambush.
I'm gonna get a drink.

ZOYA LOTT: No, you need to listen.

What she needs is
a f*cking bell around her neck

so we can hear when she's coming.

Seriously, Jules? I know we have issues,

but blowing up my relationship?

I needed GG to post.

And since she seemed fixated
on us fighting,

I just arranged for something that...

Required hurting your closest friends?

AUDREY: Small price
when you're not the one

being hurt, I reckon.
How'd you even know

that things were weird
between us and Max?

♪ I don't know that
If my needs were met ♪

♪ You would have had
The same effect... ♪

When I tell you things,
they're between us.

- I thought you knew that.
- No, wait. Lun, you're right.

I never should have betrayed your trust.

Or mine.

You told me not to tell Audrey
because it was none of my business.

But clearly, you wanted
to use it yourself

to provoke Gossip Girl,
which I asked you not to do.

This is the hundredth time
that you have used me

to get what you want.

And I promise you, it's the last.

JULIEN: Okay. Yes.
You all have every right

to be angry with me,
but just hear me out.

We have heard enough, Julien.

Good night.

You haven't said a word to me
since the hotel.

I promise that kiss meant nothing.

And I... I was planning
to tell you everything.

Look, I can only deal with
one crisis of the heart at a time.

Trust me, I will handle you later.

But right now,
we need to prioritize Max.

When are you leaving for the summit?

I was gonna take
the helicopter up tomorrow,

but I guess I could cancel.

Tell them you're gonna drive up
with me and Max instead.

You wanna go to the summit?

We need a romance resuscitation.

Somewhere in that clean, fresh air.

When it's romantic and organic...

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

...we can say how we really feel.

And nothing about some girl
that you don't even care about.

Right?

What are you even doing here?

I didn't do anything to you.

Except be so intent
on your own interests

that you didn't even notice
Gossip Girl was ruining my life.

These last few weeks have been hell.

On Tuesday, someone threw
a tomato at me.

Not even heirloom!

I want her gone.
You should've included me in your plan.

It was need-to-know.

Then allow me
to bring my know to your need.

My mother has a direct line
to Gossip Girl.

They're meeting tomorrow.

- (JULIEN GASPS)
- In the open.

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(GROANS) Why does it feel like
we just walked into

the next Jordan Peele movie?

The sight of him doesn't help.

ROGER MENZIES: Let's get
this show on the road. (LAUGHS)

But, hey, look on the bright side.

We're getting an unexpected weekend away

and some fresh air,

while I deliver quarterly
reviews to the de Haans

in what will be my final act
as their legal counsel.

And not a moment too soon.

- We have to check in somewhere.
- Yeah.

Excuse me, do you mind if we... Whoa.

Hey, Z. I come in peace.

She asked if she could join.
But didn't mention her

little plus one there.

Somehow not the least convincing
hair in attendance.

I see more plugs on heads here
than on walls.

Well, I just... I thought
I would try something new.

New? Yeah.

You walking around pretending
to be somebody that you're not

sounds like any other day to me.

I felt awful
about what happened yesterday.

And I thought
that maybe we could use some

alone time away to help mend things.

- Sisterly bonding?
- ZOYA: Fine.

Just try not to weaponize
anything I tell you.

Deal.

OBIE: Julien?

See? It's not even a good disguise.

JULIEN: What are you doing here?

I thought you were at home recovering.

Did you follow me here?

Why would I do that?

You're the last person
I would expect to be at this.

Well, one person's clandestine gathering
of elite corporate evil

is another's family bonding weekend.

And you?

Um, Nick got invited,

and since things have been
so bad lately,

I thought we could get away.

With new hair, apparently.

AUDREY: Just what we needed!
Cocktails at : , dinner at : .

We can crash after,
order breakfast in bed tomorrow,

and then take kayaks on the Hudson.

And do all the other things
we love. Right, Aki?

Just wait until you both
see the room I get every year.

It has its own sauna and infinity tub.

You're gonna love it.

Yeah, I can already think
of a million things

we can do in it tonight
that you're gonna love.

We really appreciate
how down you are for this, Max.

We just hope you're not,
like, actually down.

MAX: Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) ...very down.
But why wait?

You know, these woods have seen
plenty of depraved acts.

Let's find somewhere
and compete to be the best.

CAMILLE: I hear we have a bigger suite

- than Bezos this year.
- GREYSON: Naturally.

Have this checked.

You know I'm your tutor,
not staff, right?

Mm. Reminds me.
Take this, too. It has my books in it.

- Um...
- (CELLPHONE VIBRATES)

JORDAN: (OVER PHONE)
You remember what to do?

Yes. You told me twenty minutes ago.

JORDAN: Remember when you call her,

FaceTime audio, Wi-Fi only,
so it can't be traced.

And use that thing I gave you
to disguise your voice.

Do not let her talk you
into revealing yourself.

She wants to hand you something?

Use an intermediary, a waiter, a valet.

- And if you need anything...
- Ms. Keller?

JORDAN: ...I'm just a phone call away.

Um, I... I didn't know you'd be here.

- Um, same. Why are you here?
- I'm Monet's tutor.

MONET DE HAAN: Yeah, I have
an assistant now.

- Okay.
- How about you?

Um, my father.

And Julien, who is supposedly
trying to make amends.

But she also disappeared
right after she said that.

- Julien's here, too?
- MONET: Keller!

My bag!

- She's eager to learn.
- Right.

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

GREYSON: Nice to see you
not working for once, Lott.

NICK: Hah. Right.

The end of quarter review?

Camille said
you were conducting it from here

- and asked me to join.
- Ah, right, right, right.

Uh, must have slipped my mind.

Well, I appreciate you making the trek.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

KATE: Didn't expect to see you here.

Unless you're a billionaire now.

You didn't read
about the countess I married?

- (LAUGHS)
- NICK: And you?

Uh, took a weekend job

and got sucked into attending
by your bosses.

Occupational hazard, I suppose.
What are you in for?

Tutoring. You?

Brought the company employment records

for a meeting my boss forgot
was even happening.

Hey, at least the booze is free, right?

And soon I will be, too.
I'm leaving de Haan

to start my own firm.
Signed the lease today.

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

Nick, that's amazing.

Feels so good to get out
from underneath it all.

I didn't make enough money
to pay Davis back.

I figure as long
as I'm in debt to the devil,

at least I could do God's work
at the same time.

Buy you a free drink later to celebrate?

How about free dinner, too?

I wanna milk this as much as possible

- on my way out.
- (LAUGHS)

(GLASSES CLINK)

♪ ("SPANISH GREASE"
BY WILLIE BOBO PLAYING) ♪

- Oh, sh*t.
- JULIEN: Hey, Aki, Max.

Audrey, can I talk to you for a second?

Okay, I guess I'll just do it here.

I really wanted to just tell y...

I don't wanna hear it.

And that's fair.
I'm just really trying...

You're not listening to me.
I don't want to hear it.

I have too much sh*t going on right now.

Like how I'm low-key spiraling
because I don't know

how to say "I love you"
to one of my boyfriends

but have no problem saying it
to the other.

Or that, thanks to you,

I now know one of them
kissed someone else.

But if you had it your way, all of that

would take a back seat
to your persistent melodramas.

So if you cannot hear me,
at least read my lips.

Leave me alone. Please.

Ugh, this feud
is such season five energy.

Get over it already.

I don't know why she can't see
that I'm doing this for her too.

Because like most people, she
lacks the guts to do what's necessary.

But...

we're not like most people.

Did you find that
on the ground or something?

It's one of my mother's. Her right one.

I put my right one back in its place.

So she'll think that
only one of hers has paired,

and by then you'll be listening in.

You just need to make sure that you stay

within feet of her
while she's on her call.

Is that why you wanted me to wear a wig?

Yes. Yes, it is.

It's a shame that
I wasn't more specific, though.

That sh*t is clearly synthetic.

- Yeah.
- Mm.

♪ ("SPANISH GREASE" CONTINUES) ♪

Ah, Otto, my boy.
Are you looking for Mama,

or have come to join the big boys?

No. Actually, sir, I was...

wondering if I could ask you a question?

Oh, well, we don't talk business
in the Cigar Room.

(CHUCKLES)

Look, I saw that your outlet
is running the story

on... on Greyson de Haan's
bounty for Gossip Girl.

Um, and as a family friend,

I was just wondering
if you could pull it?

Surely you're not asking me
to compromise

my company's journalistic integrity?

Uh, well, the way I see it, sir,
uh, Gossip Girl is...

its own press source.

For anybody to try
and silence that, you know,

could be an as*ault
to journalistic integrity

everywhere.

Otto, let me give you a word of advice.

When you request permission
to ask a question

when what you really mean is a favor,

it better be worth it.

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

Refill that, will you?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

MONET: Quite the work ethic.

Sorry, what?

Aren't you being paid
to teach me or something?

Um, now's not a good time.

No, now's actually the best time
because my mother's watching.

So pretend like you're talking to me.

I'll just tell her that I learned about

the Huge-knots or whatever.

You can use any words you want.
I'm not paying attention.

I'm more focused
on watching Julien Calloway

try to out Gossip Girl's identity.

How is she planning to do that?

By listening in on a phone call that

my mother's taking with GG herself.

Julien's probably gonna f*ck it up.

But that'll be fun, too.

I'll be right back.
I just realized I forgot

to tell the waiters
I'm lactose intolerant.

Ew.

No, that's on brand.

KATE: Excuse me. Hi.

Um, I'm a guest of the de Haan family,

and I happen to have some
very privileged information.

That woman over there...

is Mr. de Haan's mistress.

I think she crashed the dinner.

Uh, do you have any protocol
for this sort of thing?

There's one every year.
Don't worry. We'll handle it.

- Discreetly.
- Thank you.

(SNAPS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

ZOYA: So, he made you
carry around papers

that he could have just as
easily gotten off the cloud.

And now, he's gonna act like
he forgot about it?

Now you know why I want out.

So, why put up with it a day longer?

The last thing a brand-new firm needs

is to make an enemy
out of Greyson de Haan.

I need to leave on good terms.

Or learn how to bake cookies.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Come on. Let's get this over with.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

SECURITY GUARD: Ma'am.

Ma'am. I need you to leave.

Oh, no, I'm...
I'm a guest of the de Haans.

I'm sure he promised you that one day,

- but trust me, not gonna happen.
- GUEST: Oh, excuse me.

Could you direct me to the horse stalls?

(GUESTS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

This is Camille.

(IN DISTORTED VOICE)
As promised, I'm here.

The voice is just
an added layer of protection.

Our deal was for in-person.

That was never our deal.

I said I would be here,
and I'm here. Now...

It's time to tell me what you have.

Only if we meet face to face.

Hi. Hi!

That wasn't our agreement.

Well, the terms have changed.

And trust me...

once you see what I have
on my husband, you won't mind.

KATE: No new terms.

Unless you tell me what you have.

A document. It's a document
on a flash drive.

A highly incriminating one,

close at hand, with a trusted employee.

I hand it to you, or deal's off.

- The deal's off.
- What? Wait. Wait.

(CELLPHONE BEEPING)

Lott.

You're not here to socialize.
Where are the docs I asked for?

In my bag. It's...

I could have sworn it was right...

Here! Must have gotten kicked
under the table.

You're lucky they're still here.

Shall we get that free drink?

- Yes! I'll join in just a sec.
- Okay.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(OBIE GROANS)

It's a no-go from Roger.

- f*ck.
- Yeah.

(GROANS) Have you seen Mom?

- No.
- Great.

Aki. (CHUCKLES)

- Oh, Audrey.
- Hi, Mr. Menzies.

- Hmm. (KISSES)
- Hey, Dad.

Always so good to see you.

(CLEARS THROAT) Ah. Mr. Wolfe.

Jodi tells me you've been
spending a lot of time

with my son and his girlfriend lately.

Max is our boyfriend, Dad.
And I know you know that.

Oh, oh, sorry. Forgive me.

So hard to keep track
of what you're into these days.

With all due respect, Mr. Menzies,

we're not... we're not "into" anything.

We're in a relationship.

Just what about this
constitutes a relationship?

I'd say it's just a very clever way
to sow one's oats.

For your information,
I don't need to "sow my oats."

Because I already know
that there's no one

that I'd rather have
on either side of me.

AUDREY: And in the spirit
of education, you should know

this is a more serious relationship
than I've ever had before.

And I'm just realizing now
how much that was scaring me

from saying how I feel.

It's stupid because,
you know what? Max is worth it.

And Aki is worth it.
We are worth it. Together.

The three of us.

ROGER: Oh. Well,

you've clearly convinced yourselves.

I guess we'll just let time
be the final judge, won't we?

Let's go.

- Ma'am.
- No, no, no. See? I told you.

This is my table. There must be
some sort of misunderstanding.

Yes, I know her.

Though I'm sure once again
I'm going to wish I didn't.

Hmm. So, I'm assuming
the mission failed?

Aborted. GG hung up on your mom.

Wow.

Showing up for some
sisterly bonding, huh?

- (CELLPHONES CHIME)
- Oh, Z, no...

GOSSIP GIRL: Pardon
the interruption, followers.

Daddy de Haan may have put
a bounty on my head...

(CELLPHONES CHIME)

...but I refuse to be silenced
like the employees

he prevented from unionizing.

That's right.
Greyson only tried to muzzle me

because I have the receipts
of his dirtiest deeds.

Keep that mil, Greyson.
Your lawyers will need that cash

for all the lawsuits coming your way.

- This was you, wasn't it?
- No, I swear.

But you admit that this weekend
had nothing to do with me or my dad.

You've used us
after I've begged you not to.

This was different. I made sure
that it didn't involve you.

But it does! Julien,

if you'd just stop thinking
about destroying Gossip Girl

for one second, you would see
that I'm the only one

still willing to put up with you.

I'm trying to get rid of her
for all of us.

All of who? Look around.
You are all you have left!

- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
- GOSSIP GIRL: Me again.

Now that I'm no longer afraid
of the Big Grey Wolf,

it's time I cleared my drafts.

A bounty lifted,
and now a debt to be paid.

- Wow, that's crazy.
- (GUEST LAUGHING)

GOSSIP GIRL: A Bergmann building
is falling down.

What did my fair lady Helena
know and when?

Enough to buy her way
into hiding it all...

GOSSIP GIRL: ...and have a dearly
departed underling take the fall?

You better believe payback
is a real mother.

- Mom?
- Is this true?

We need to leave. Right now.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

MAX: So, you both meant what you said?

Of course. Look, we don't need anyone

to approve of our relationship.
We just need our relationship.

Yeah. We're in this together.
The three of us.

- We...
- (CELLPHONES CHIME)

GOSSIP GIRL:
And for tonight's finale, yes,

I'm triple-dipping.

Has a member of our favorite
trio been a little "Unfaithful"?

And did JC help orchestrate
an "Indecent Proposal"

with a certain USC co-ed?

All with Wolfe's "Eyes Wide Shut"?

Pardon the film references.
I just wanna make it very clear.

(MAX EXHALES)

GOSSIP GIRL: Aki cheated,
and Audrey lied about it.

Are you serious?

Why can't they just stalk
the theater kids at LaGuardia?

Is this real?

- Max...
- And you knew about it?

- Max, please...
- MAX: Once again,

everything works out for you
when it's about f*cking,

but when it's about f*cking feelings,

everything goes to sh*t!

Max. Come on.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Ak, I'm so sorry.

I didn't think
she would still post the tip.

This is what you wanted, right?

I wanted us to get our lives back.

Quit acting like you
and Gossip Girl are different.

You're the f*cking same.
You use information for your own good

and no one else's.
At least she admits it.

Have you ever considered
this whole w*r of yours

is just a smokescreen to hide the
fact that you feel so horribly guilty

on how you've treated us
your whole life?

I didn't think so.

(SIGHS)

GREYSON: It gives me
absolutely no pleasure...

- (CAMERAS CLICKING)
- ...to confirm

that what the
anonymous blogger Gossip Girl

posted tonight is true.

Nicholas Lott, an attorney
on our in-house legal team,

has engaged in union-busting efforts

across the company.

Rest assured, Mr. Lott acted alone

and will be held accountable.

REPORTER : Mr. de
Haan, one more question!

REPORTER : Mr. de Haan!

- Thank you.
- (REPORTERS CLAMORING)

REPORTER : One question, please!

- (CROWD SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
- REPORTER : Mr. de Haan!

Greyson? What the hell is this?

A friend downtown told me that
you put in for a business license.

What a shame, 'cause I liked
having you around.

Thankfully, Gossip Girl took the bait.

Oh. Turns out my wife was right.
She is good for business.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(CELLPHONE VIBRATES)

- (IN DISTORTED VOICE) You played me.
- CAMILLE: You played yourself.

Because according to the front desk,
my guest never arrived.

Meaning you are one of people

who were already invited.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

Only a matter of time now.

Max. Max, Max, please wait.

I've been waiting patiently
and miserably,

but no longer. Okay?
This is not a relationship.

This is the love story of Aki
and Audrey and sometimes Max

when you need a little something extra.

That's not true. It's three for all
or none for none. Remember?

Oh. Was it three for all
when you made me

hook up with people
so you could stay in the closet?

And was it three for all
when I jumped through hoops

to impress your dad?
And is it three for all

when you two keep secrets from me?

You know what?
Enjoy your weekend together

'cause I'm f*cking outta here.

GOSSIP GIRL: And now an update
to yesterday's editorial.

Sometimes in life,
we take things too far.

♪ ("TURN AND RUN"
BY NEIL FINN PLAYING) ♪

- We realize we've had too much risk...
- Danke schön.

GOSSIP GIRL: ...and too little reward.

The FBI are on their way.

They may question you,
but I promise you're safe.

You know nothing of this.

Of course.

If that's what you want, uh,
then Heidi and I will cooperate.

Heidi won't be there.

It's best she's as far away as possible.

Jakarta was her mistake.

Once she told me,
I made sure it traced back to me.

It is the duty of the mother to
protect her children at all times.

And I always will.

Her mistake?

GOSSIP GIRL: And that
we've pushed the limit

between wrong and right.

Because here's the problem
with pushing limits.

You don't know your own limit
until it's too late.

Max still isn't answering.

We were ready to make things
right with him and Julien ruined it.

Well, she f*cked up, but so did we.

What do you mean?

We were the ones who couldn't
tell him how we felt.

I just hope it's not too late.

GOSSIP GIRL: And just
a friendly reminder.

I know every limit and boundary
that you possess.

I see you for who you are.
Not who you pretend to be.

- Told you. I have a sixth sense.
- Hmm. Please.

I've had my fill of bullshit today.

Oh, no. Relationship problems?

Another martini for my friend.

Mm-mm. That won't be necessary.

Thank you. (SIGHS)

Let's, uh...

let's get that drink at my place.

GOSSIP GIRL:
And here's another dark truth

you don't want to admit.

You can't change who you are.

You never could.

You're simply becoming more
and more yourselves every day.

The worst versions, might I add.

♪ Over my desert heart ♪

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

♪ So turn and run... ♪

NICK: I understand. I'm a lawyer, too.

But what can you do for me?

One second.

GOSSIP GIRL: But I won't let you
get away with it.

And like it or not, there's
nothing you can do to stop me.

I can't even stop myself.

I know. I went way too far.

I'm done fighting with Gossip Girl.

You were right.

I was wrong. It's time to give up.

To accept she's here to stay.

What you did wasn't wrong.

Just how you did it.

My dad's career is most likely over.
She destroyed him.

And for what? Not only that, but...

she teamed up
with the worst people to do it.

She won't take us down anymore.
We won't let her.

We?

Yes.

Let's k*ll Gossip Girl.

GOSSIP GIRL: XOXO.