(male narrator)
Coming up..
...what has Murr pushed
to his breaking point?
Murray, Murray lost it!
(male narrator)
The guys put Sal up
against the wall.
[laughter]
Who put that wall there,
right?
[laughing]
I'm running for City Council.
(male narrator)
Q has to stand up
for what he believes in.
m*rder is jail
unless they're sexy.
(male narrator)
And tonight's big loser
can't dodge
the most punishing
punishment of all time.
No mercy!
[laughter]
We're opticians
at J.V. Optical
checking eyes and taking names.
During the exam, we'll have
to do and say what the other
"Doctors" tell us.
At the end,
the patient has to rate
how satisfied they are
with our service.
Whoever gets the lowest score
loses.
I'm Dr. Quinn, but you can
call me Brian.
Very nice to meet you.
Please have a seat.
When did you say your last
eye exam was?
When did you say your last
eye exam was?
Well, I had one last year.
- You had one last year?
- Yeah.
Okay, so, you got two
eyeballs here.
Alright.
Well, you got two eyeballs.
[laughing]
So, do you get headaches?
Do you get, do you get, uh
do you get headaches?
- No.
- No, no headaches.
I get headaches.
I get headaches.
When I wake up drunk
in the gutter.
[laughter]
[groans]
Wh-When I, uh
sometimes..
...when you wake up drunk
in a gutter
you wake up with headaches.
Yes.
[laughter]
On the floor,
we hid an eye chart for you.
Could you hang it
on the wall there?
[laughter]
- You wanna read that?
- Q..
- "Q."
- Is..
Is..
- Q is fat.
- Fat, right.
It keeps going, though.
Keep going.
It doesn't just end there.
"Like Rosie O," like the person?
Like, yes, exactly, like a fat
Rosie O'Donnell.
[laughter]
True or false?
True or false?
True or false?
- True.
- True?
True.
Uh, I just have to get
you to rate
your eye exam today, Shawna.
Alright, alright, you're done.
- Oh, !
- 'Aah!'
- Everybody loves fat Rosie O.
- Yeah.
Thank you so much, Shawna.
I'm Dr. Vulcano.
- Hi.
- I'll be doing my best.
How are you?
- Okay, so, just sit down.
- Alright.
On your left there,
just roll over in the chair
and give yourself a pep talk.
[laughs]
Pep-talk it.
Give me one sec.
[sighs]
You have worked for this
your whole life.
You graduated
at the top of your class.
Forget about that cadaver's
eye that you blew up.
[laughter]
Forget about that eyeball
in the institute.
People have always liked you.
Leave your baggage at the door.
Leave your baggage at the door
and we're gonna do this.
One, two, eyeballs.
"One, two, eyeballs."
Let's do it.
- Say that again.
- Let's do it.
(James)
'Okay, buddy, stand up.'
There's, uh, on the right side
'there's a pair
of brown glasses..'
- Let me just get..
- 'The dark-brown ones.'
These glasses are magnified.
When you put them on, buddy,
you're..
You're blind as a bat.
[laughter]
(James)
'Huge eyes.'
Uh, alright.
I'm gonna look at your eyes.
Right.
(Brian)
'That's it.
Keep missing her face.'
- Alright.
- Put it over her ear.
Put it over her ear.
So, now I want you to close
your left eye.
[laughter]
Okay, now I'm gonna put this
over your left eye.
Now open your left eye
and close your right eye.
Are you doing it?
"Are you doing it?"
[laughter]
Great. Okay.
Sal, put that black thing
away. Miss the table.
[laughter]
(Joseph)
'Oh, my god!'
Stand up and walk
into the wall.
Alright.
[laughter]
Now, let's check your, um,
your depth perception.
I'm gonna stand back here.
[laughter]
[laughs]
Who put that wall there, right?
[laughter]
We're just asking the customers
to, just on a scale of one to
uh, how they thought, you know,
the session went.
No, he's getting a one.
- There we go.
- No.
- 'Aah!'
- 'Three?'
- Four.
- Four!
Thank you so much, Vicki.
- How are you today?
- Pretty good. How are you?
Good, good, good, good.
'So, you have glasses
on your face there.'
I see you have the glasses
on your face there..
(Sal)
'And you have glasses
on your chest there.'
And you also have glasses
on your chest.
Be confused by sunglasses,
Murray.
[laughter]
What do you use those for?
But they're not prescription.
So, to what purpose, then?
Oh, for the sun.
Hence the name.
[laughter]
I've never needed glasses.
I personally have never
needed glasses.
(Joseph)
'My vision is / .'
"My vision is / ."
They call me Barbara Walters.
"They call me Barbara Walters."
Because of my
feminine qualities.
[laughter]
Because of my--
No, no, no. Because
of my feminine qualities.
[laughter]
All the doctors today,
as we're giving these free exams
we ask that you rate our exam.
(James)
'Okay? On one to ten.'
- 'One!'
- 'Is it a one or a two?'
- 'It's a one.'
- 'It's a one.'
This has been an unusual exam.
Yep.
- How's it going?
- Good.
Good. How long you been
wearing contacts?
Seventh grade, huh?
(Brian)
'Alright, let's give Joey
some disorders.'
Joe, twitch your jaw
as you're examining her eye.
Uh, if you could look
in the
in the hole, yeah.
Just look in it.
[instrumental music]
(Murray)
'Your jaw can't stop twitching.'
(Brian)
'There you go. There you go.'
[laughter]
Have d*ck butkus Tourette's.
(Sal)
'Just yell out "d*ck butkus."'
[groans]
Have you ever, uh, corneas have
been scratched or anything
like that, have you?
"d*ck butkus."
[laughter]
Last year?
What? You scratchin' them?
d*ck butkus.
[laughter]
You've got good dilation
in that eye.
Let's try the other one.
d*ck butkus.
[laughter]
Okay, so, what we're doing
today is you're just rating
how your eye exam is, uh,
on a scale of one to ten.
Just circle. I'll give you some
privacy for a second.
Uh, ten.
Ten!
Ten! That's great.
(male narrator)
Murr got blindsided
in the exam room
so he's seen his way
to the loser board.
- Gentlemen, bear with me.
- Okay.
These are real.
- What?!
- Wow.
- When did you get glasses?
- These are my new glasses.
Oh, my god. That's what you
really look like?
[laughter]
(male narrator)
Coming up, it's our
ballsiest punishment ever.
[grunts]
[spectators groan]
We're teaming up
as financial advisors
giving a seminar
on how to make money.
The problem is, we have no
idea what's in the presentation
'cause it's been made
by the other team.
When we're done presenting,
we'll ask how many attendees
feel they received
sound financial advice.
Whichever team gets the fewest
amount of hands raised loses.
Sal's a financial guru.
I have a Bachelor's
in finance.
Sal's the anchor point
in this.
Hey, how are you guys?
I don't know that Sal's
the anchor point
in anything ever, ever.
Thank you for coming.
My name is James Murray.
I'm Sal Vulcano.
(James)
'We are financial advisors.'
We've prepared a presentation
for you.
'We'll take you through,
slide by slide.'
Let's begin.
Okay, so, "How to invest."
'Uh, research before you put
your money into anything.'
Take out everything you know
about spending
and spend time relearning.
Okay. Keep in mind,
interest rates, they're--
Sal, you want to chime in
on this one, buddy?
James, I know you slept
with my girlfriend.
[laughter]
Maybe we can have a frank
discussion about it after this
but I just wanted to let you
know that I know
and I hope you remember
this feeling right now.
Let's move on.
[laughter]
(James)
'Uh, some tips
to gain investors.'
'Uh..'
[laughter]
"Racists have money, so know
a few good r*cist jokes."
[laughter]
Sal?
[laughter]
He's passing the buck.
Murr tried to pass it.
Sal passed it back
with the point. Look at that.
Murr's falling apart here.
'First time I've ever seen
Murray sweat. Look at him go.'
A fun way to say, uh,
cater to your clients.
'Okay, if you are
in a room full of racists'
have a few in the pocket
ready to go. A metaphor.
- Oh, it's a metaphor.
- Oh, right, right, for racism.
Okay. Okay.
Uh..
[laughter]
Uh..
[laughs]
(Brian)
'Come on, guys, something.
Anything.'
(Joseph)
'They're all staring at you.'
"Put a quarter in your ass
because you played yo' self!"
[laughter]
What does that mean?
Uh, that's what we like to say
'to people who have
not followed'
'our financial advice.'
(Joseph)
'Murray lost it.'
[laughs]
"Two must-haves for proper
money management."
[laughs]
A handgun..
(Joseph)
'He can't even say it.'
You don't want to use them
together.
[laughter]
We're a good team. We should do
this more often. Yeah.
Uh, by show of hands,
do you feel
you have learned
something valuable
in today's
financial seminar?
Please raise your hand.
Two. So, it's two?
[ding]
- We can b*at two.
- I could do two without you.
- Hello, how are you?
- Hey, hello.
How are you? Welcome.
Oh, my God.
'This is a serious group
of people.'
Brian and I are a pair
of financial advisors.
We'll give you some of our tips
that we've come along
across the way.
Ready [bleep]
[laughs]
Uh, we special in, uh..
We specialize in..
This isn't even
the hard part.
(Sal)
'Hit the next button.'
(Brian)
'"Ways of making money."'
Many ways out there.
Everybody's got a scheme
an angle, but there's some
that are just universal.
Alright, so explain them,
then.
(Joseph)
'"Low-risk, high-yield
investments."'
Little risk, a lot of yield.
You don't want to put too much
risk out there
and you bring
a lot of yield in.
- It's all about the yield.
- Right. Thank you.
And also high-risk,
low-yield investments.
(Joseph)
'That's talking about it
the other way.'
Right. Moving on.
(Joseph)
"High-yield,
low-risk investments."
So, now, if you guys are getting
the pattern..
That's just the opposite
of that, but it means
'the same thing 'cause we really
want to drive it home'
and if I know
how this is going--
It's gonna be the low-yield,
high-risk investments.
(Brian)
'Low-yield into high-risk
investments.'
Now you see what we did
there.
We covered everything.
(both)
And then there's scones.
[laughter]
These, uh..
The-the, your..
You've got to remember..
You've got to remember
that international markets
a lot of decisions
are made over tea and scones.
[laughter]
Let's move it along.
(Joseph)
'"Point/counterpoint."'
'"IPO vs. Private equity."'
IPO..
[laughter]
Yeah, I mean,
that's where you want to be at.
He has no idea what it is.
That's the international,
uh...uh...product.
It's the international
pancake order.
[laughter]
"Initial public offering."
Yeah, IPO.
That's where you want to be.
(Brian)
'You know, private equity
is money in your own pocket.'
You keep that, then.
(Sal)
'What?'
[laughter]
(Joseph)
'Yeah.'
You know we had to do it, buddy.
- "Handy vs. Blowy."
- Alright.
(Brian)
'Well, there you go,
you want to take handy?'
Yeah, I mean, it's the kind
of person that you want to be.
(James)
'They're all writing notes.'
She's got a page of notes.
What is she writing?
I will say this.
Go to work with a handy..
[Sal chuckles]
Oh, my God.
You marry a blowy.
That's our main thing.
[laughter]
(both)
"Thank you."
[laughter]
'What we like to do
at the end of this'
is just a quick show of hands.
Please raise your hand
if you feel like you've learned
anything of value.
Did you learn anything new?
One, two, three.
Three people. Three people.
[both scream]
Oh, no!
(male narrator)
Murr and Sal got short-changed
so they bought another share
of the loser board.
Look out, America. We're
crashing the political party.
That's right.
We're running for office
but we need voters' signatures
to get on the ballot.
It won't be easy, though,
because our crazy political
beliefs will be given
to us by the other guys.
And whoever gets the least
amount of signatures loses.
(James)
'Q, uh...are those the new'
'uh, dress shoes you got?'
[laughter]
'Is that what all the
politicians are wearing'
these days.
This big in congress,
this look?
You don't understand.
You don't know how to connect
with the kids.
- 'Oh, is that it?'
- I'm business up top.
But rock 'n' roll on my feet.
Hi.
I'm running for city council.
I need to get sig--
I just need signatures.
I'm running for city council.
I'm trying to get onto the--
Excuse me, sir, I'm trying
to run for--
You got no time for me?
Excuse me, sir?
I'm trying to collect signatures
to get on the, just to get on
the ballot for the New York City
council this year.
- I am from Sweden.
- Oh, you're from Sweden.
Oh, her-ma-der, bro.
Her-ma-der.
- "The Muppet show."
- "The Muppet show," yes.
Her-ma-der!
Hey, what's up, skates?
Can I get your help here?
I'm running for city council.
Trying to get the traffic lights
to be smart traffic lights
but most importantly..
I want to defend
sexy offenders.
[laughs]
Hey, what's up, skates?
Can I get your help here?
I'm running for City Council.
Trying to get the traffic lights
to be smart traffic lights
but most importantly..
I want to defend
sexy offenders.
I'm looking to defend
the sexy offenders.
What do I mean by that?
That is an excellent question.
Uh, you know how, like,
it's illegal
for two girls to make out
right here?
Like, I want to make that legal.
m*rder is jail.
Except if they're sexy.
Unless they're sexy.
You know what I mean?
Uh, you know.
It's reasonable, right?
Blades.
Come on, roller blades.
[ding]
(James)
'I think, out of all of us,
Sal would be'
probably the best politician.
He's certainly the most likable.
- Oh, I think so.
- No.
(James)
'Sal's the kind of guy you want
to sing karaoke with'
not lead an invasion
of Afghanistan with.
I'm running for city council.
Who's leading a [bleep]
invasion.
[laughter]
Hey, man, how you doing?
I'm running for city council.
(Joseph)
'Look at the number of
backpacks this guy has.'
- He's got three backpacks.
- No, he's got two backpacks.
'And a frontpack.'
I'm lobbying for higher pay
for public schoolteachers
uh, more security
in our parks..
And to limit the number
of backpacks to one.
To..
And then, also, to limit
the overall number of backpacks
people can carry to just one.
I mean, let's be fair.
Way more kesha.
You know, no deck shoes
in the winter.
More Nicki Minaj.
I want to rename h*tler
mustaches
Charlie Chaplin mustaches.
I want to rename
the h*tler mustache
uh, to be called the
Charlie Chaplin mustache.
It's a great style, and he's
taken that away from everyone.
But, really, Chaplin did it
first, you know?
You just want to be
on the ballot?
Yes.
She wants nothing to do..
I appreciate it so much.
(James)
'There you go.'
[ding]
(Brian)
'I'll tell you what,
he looks like a politician'
out there, like a lying
sack of [bleep]
[laughter]
Excuse me, ma'am.
If I get two more signatures
I can get on the ballot
for city council
and then
I can run for city council.
The most important part
of my platform..
Is bisexual crossing guards.
The mo..
The most important part
of my platform..
bisexual crossing guards.
[laughs]
There's a perfectly good
explanation.
Hear me out.
Yeah, explain this one.
You know how, when you're
crossing a street, you can
either go one way
or you can go the other?
If the crossing guard's
a bisexual
you could go both ways.
So, would you like to sign my
petition to be on City Council?
- Yeah.
- You are a sweetheart.
Thank you so much.
[ding]
(Joseph)
'Vote for Gatto.'
I'm trying to get on the ballot
real quick.
Can I talk to you two secs?
Hey, my friend.
Ma'am, how about you?
I'm just trying to get some
awareness to get me
on the city ballot.
Signatures here.
(James)
'Joe, what's up?'
You know what it is?
It's the tie.
He looks like an
official jerk right now.
'That's right.'
Hey, bud.
Talk to you two seconds.
I'm just trying to get
on the ballot
for the New York City council.
So, basically, I'm just trying
to get more subway cars.
Um, I'm also looking to..
Less duck faces on Facebook.
I'm trying to start
digital-photo regulation
so we can get rid
of duck faces on
like, the social-networking
sites.
You know, duck face, like the..
[duck quacks]
You know, dumbass tweens
are out there doing the..
[duck quacks]
and then, you know, whatever.
'So, I'm trying to regulate
that 'cause nobody'
really wants to see that.
You know, it's like, "Oh, we're
in a bridal shower."
"Oh, the nightclub."
You know what I mean?
Like, "Oh, gram's just d*ed."
[duck quacks]
[laughter]
It's an initiative I'm pushing.
I'm trying to quack down on it,
really.
[laughter]
So, you don't want to sign,
then?
- Okay, well, I appreciate it.
- He didn't get it!
[buzzer]
(male narrator)
The votes are counted,
and Murr is tonight's
big loser.
Murr is our loser.
And for your punishment, buddy,
you're gonna have to play
dodgeball
in a professional league.
Yeah, but we did you a favor.
To end the misery,
all you got to do
is get one single player
out on the other team.
I think I could do that.
But dodgeball requires
hand-eye coordination
so we're gonna take away those.
What do you mean?
Oh, you'll see.
You'll partially see.
[laughter]
[crowd cheering]
[laughter]
- Oven mitt!
- I feel like an idiot.
It was your choice to wear
those shorts, Murr.
Alright, are we ready?
[cheers and applause]
Hold on, hold on.
Here's the strategy.
I'm gonna stand behind
you guys, okay?
Protect me however you can.
Come on, blue team.
Blue team!
Come on. Alright.
Red team, are we ready?
Blue team, are we ready?
Come on,
make like a protective shield.
Okay, three, two, one.
Switch!
[laughter]
Wait, what the [bleep]
What the [bleep]
Oh, my God.
Let's go!
[whistle blows]
[indistinct shouting]
Okay, three, two, one..
Switch!
[laughter]
Wait, what the [bleep]
What the [bleep]
Oh, my God.
Let's go!
(Joseph)
'All you got to do is get one
player out, Murr.'
Oh! [bleep]
[laughter]
[bleep]
Oh!
[bleep]
(Sal)
'Come on, Murr,
just one guy out.'
He can't throw lefty.
- 'Guys, get him!'
- 'Get him!'
'Get him again.'
[bleep]
[indistinct shouting]
Aah!
They need more balls.
I think they need more.
They need more.
Alright, guys, there you go.
Wait, what the.. Oh [bleep]
- There you go, boys.
- Stop it!
Get them off!
[laughter]
[spectators groan]
Oh!
[groaning]
No mercy!
This is not how dodgeball
is played.
That is how you punish Murray.
- I did good?
- You did great.
- Did I hit somebody?
- No, you didn't hit anybody.
Medic!
[laughter]
02x11 - Get Out of Dodge
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.