05x08 - November 4, 1993

[bunniefuu]

[Narrator] Wanda has searched high
and low for the father ofher baby.

- Has she finally looked low enough?
- [Rings Bell]

Hey. Hello? Can you hear me?

Uh, look, anyway, Wild Thing,
this is Wanda Wayne.

I met you down at the Chunky Monkey
and that's where you picked me up.

Well, actually, I picked you up 'cause
you know you was drunk and stuff...

and I "drug" you off and stuff.

You was so heavy. Look, come on and open up
'cause I got a wonderful surprise for you.

Did you know you was a daddy?
You about to have birf. B-l-R-F.

So anyway, you need to open up and stuff.
Don't be playin' hard to get and stuff.

Let me ask you somethin'.
Why you change you name and stuff...

and got in
the Witness Protection Program?

That wasn't even right.
That wasn't right to do me like that.

All you had to do was own up
to your responsibilities.

But I think it's real cute how you tryin'
to play hard to get and all.

So I guess I'm gonna have to use
one of my little Wanda tricks.

- [Whirring]
- I really don't mean to do this, but just bill me.

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

[Announcer] HBO presents one of
the hottest comedy specials of the year...

It's Sam Kinison...
Live From Hell!

What's happenin', Hades?

Yeah, yeah, oh-oh!

Yeah!
[Giggles]

You know, people keep
asking me, Sam, what sucks...

what sucks about hell?

Well, I'll tell you.
[Screaming] It's hot!

I mean, it's hot a lot!
And it's not a dry heat, mister! No!

But I knew I was in hell...

when they piped Andrew Dice Clay
into my dressing room! [Screams]

But it's good to be back. It's nice to be
here tonight in the Lee Atwater Room.

[Hooting]

[Laughing]

I don't know what you people
are cheering about.

I'm not sure what's worse
down here...

the food or the painful
rectal spasms.

You get 'em about every four minutes!
Here come another one now! [Screams]

Oh, you love it, Elvis,
you d*ed on the toilet! Ow, ow!

Give me a Percodan, man.!
[Groans]

[Giggles]

The other day, I ran
into Liberace.

And he starts hassling me
about my act... Liberace!

I said, at least I d*ed like a man,
not with one! [Screams] Come on!

When they pulled me out of my car,
there was liquor on my breath.

What was on yours, Libby?
Huh? What was on yours?

Ow, ow!

[Giggling]
Oh, you love it!

But you know what's weird about hell?
Who's here and who isn't.

I mean, who thought Danny
Thomas would be here, huh?

I got a little question
for ya, where is h*tler?

Where's h*tler? He k*lled
six million people!

You think you might run
into him somewhere!

The snack bar, the Lake of Fire,
I don't know, where's h*tler?

Yeah!

[Giggles]

My favorite man down here, of course,
the Big Man himself, Satan.

That's right. Satan.
We used to call him "Prince"...

"Prince of Darkness..."
till he changed his name to a symbol!

You know he did it to meet chicks.
He's a loser, he's a loser!

[Growling]
No, I'm just kidding ya, man.

He's here tonight, my man
Satan, give it up for him!

- [Applauding]
- [Hooting] Yeah.!

You've been a great crowd, I'm here
through eternity.! See ya later, hell.! Yeah.!

Hi! I'm Susie, your AT&T operator,
here to tell you about a new plan...

that can save you money on all those
long distance phone calls you make...

to that special someone who's
never out of your thoughts.

Uh, Hey, my name Tiny.

I used to have real big phone bill,
but with AT&T Frequent Caller Plan...

I can save as much as %
on the calls I make to this here woman...

who's so sexy, she make me...
[Chuckles]

- [Ringing]
- Hello?

Uh, uh...
Is this Miss Ryerson?

Yes. Who is this?

Uh, uh... Do you have
big "breast-es-es"?

I told you to stop calling me!

No, wait, hold up
Miss Lady, hold up! Uh, uh...

Do you have real, real,
real big breast-es-es?

With AT&T Frequent Caller Plan...

you'll save so much, you'll find yourself
calling over and over...

and over and over again!

[In AJamaican Accent] Hello, I'm calling
from the American Bra Association.

What do you want?

This is a matter of national security, ma'am.
What size bra do you wear?

- A D. Why?
- Ooh. Ooh.

Then you must have real big
breast-es-es! L-I wanna touch 'em!

Remember, the more you call,
the more you'll save!

The number you have dialed has been
disconnected! Gimme the phone, man!

Man, I gotta make
more calls, little man! Hey!

I gotta have those big, bouncy,
breast-es-es! I want those breast-es-es!

AT&T Frequent Caller Plan.

Now you can be obsessed
by the one you love...

not by your phone bill!

But I tell you what.
But I tell you what.

I got somethin' to show you. If you think
this is hot, wait till you get a load of me.

I hope you got enough fuel
for my bikini wax later on...

'cause I tell you what, we gonna weld
each other together.

Wax! Flame on!
I'll rock yo' world.

♪♪ [Man Singing Soul]

♪♪ [Ends]

Hello, everyone.
Why don't we all sit down?

Uh, first of all,
welcome to group therapy.

Now, some of you, I have had
as individual patients...

but I really felt that, um...

we'll be able to progress
a little faster as a group...

provided we create
an atmosphere of trust...

sensitivity,
and honest communication.

So, who'd like to start off first?

- Frank?
- Um, this is kind of hard for me.

It's okay, Frank,
you're among friends.

Well, doctor, uh, yeah...
I think I might be gay.

[Laughing]

You...
think you might be?

That's a understatement, that's
the understatement of the year!

You think you might be gay?
[Laughs]

No, no, don't be ridiculous,
Frank, I guess...

a lot of straight men like to wake up
staring at another man's...

pimply, sagging buttocks
right in their face.

Well, Doctor, I don't
appreciate your sarcasm.

Okay, well, here's a quick pop quiz.
Who won the Super Bowl last year?

- What's a Super Bowl?
- Mm-hmm.

- How manyJudy Garland records do you have?
- Twenty-seven!

Bingo! Get out of my face, you sissy!

Doctor, that was wrong,
what you said to Frank.

Oh, I'm sorry Marianne,
I was just confronting him...

so that he could realize
how gay he really is.

Listen. Anyway, while we're
talking about it, come on up.

I want to do a little anger exercise with you,
since you're obviously very angry.

- But I'm not angry.
- Yes, you are.

Now, I want you to hit this pillow
and say, "I am angry."

- I am angry.
- See, does that feet better?

No, because I wasn't angry.

- [Karate Yell]
- [Grunting]

- [Coughing]
- Oh, come on, don't tell me...

that your pimp daddy never
hit you upside your head...

when you were selling
your body for cr*ck!

[Gasps] l-I thought I told you
that in confidence!

Well, you thought wrong.

You know what?
You people are so selfish.

"I thought I told you that in confidence!"
"Yeah, I think I might be gay."

[Imitates People Complaining]

You're always complaining when
there are people here in legitimate pain.

Like Paula, for instance.
Paula suffered a loss. Paula?

Umm, my husband was
in a car accident...

and I'm still feeling a lot
of pain over what happened.

And, well, who
would not feel pain...

after they watched
their very own husband...

get smashed by a runaway truck
going miles an hour.

And I saw it happen.

It was right outside this office.
I mean, he really went flying.

- Bang!
- [Screams]

[Crying]

How can you say that?
[Sobbing]

Paula, I'm just trying to tell you...

that denial is the worst state to be in.

You've got to realize how dead
your husband really is.

Boy, and I mean... [Chuckles]
The look on Paula's face...

it's one of those times you wish
you had a camera, but you just don't.

- You know what I mean? "Oh my God!"
- [Screams]

I mean, that grille just crinkled him like
a cottage fry! [Imitating Car Crash]

- [Shrieking]
- That boy looked like a strawberry sundae.

- Oh, get off me, you sissy!
- Here. Here hit my pillow. You'll feel better.

[Indistinct]

Oh, Paula will just be all right.

She's probably at
"that time" or something.

Well, I think that there was a lot of
honesty and sharing here tonight.

Uh, next week, I really
want us to all focus...

on those with the secret shame of
necrophilia... and that means you, Phil.

I'll see you next time.

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

♪♪ [Men Singing]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Announcer]
This... is... The Dirty Dozens!

Now entering our studio,
our returning champion...

a bicycle messenger from Uptown
New York, T-Dog Jenkins.!

A night prison guard from Huntsville,
Texas, Sonya Winslow.!

And a rocket scientist from Carson City,
Nevada, Leonard Dinkins.!

And now the host of
Dirty Dozens, Stu Dunfey.!

Thank you so much. Hello,
and welcome to The Dirty Dozens...

where talkin' trash
can get you cash...

and you'll take home the bank
if your mama is stank.

All righty, let's look
at our categories tonight.

"Mama's so hairy,"
"Mama's so old"...

"Mama's teeth so yellow"...

and "Starts with 'F."'

T-Dog, you're our champion.
Start us off.

Thank you, Stu. I will take
"Yo' mama so hairy" for .

[Stu]
"Your mama's so hairy..."

Yo' mama's so hairy, her armpits look
like she got Don King in a headlock!

- [Bell Dinging]
- [Stu] Yes.!

On the board for . And now, let's reveal
the first play of today's "Mystery Dis."

- [Chimes]
- Care to venture a guess, Sonya?

From that little piece of nothing? What do
I look like? Dionne Warwick's psychic friend?

- [Laughs]
- Looks like Sonya's insane in the membrane.

Let me remind you, I'm merely the host
of the show. Now pick a category.

All right, um, let's stick
with "Mama so hairy," Stu.

- Your mama's so hairy...
- [Hitting Button]

Yo' mama so hairy,
Bigfoot take pictures of her.!

[Bell Dings]

Yes! An extremely
hairy mama indeed!

T-Dog, you have
control of the board.

Let us try "Starts with 'F"'
for , Stuness.

First time in that category.
What'll it be?

Ooh.
"Your mama's so fat..."

- [Beeps]
- Yo' mama so fat...

she bungee-jumped
and went straight to hell.

[Bell Dings]

Correct!
You retain control.

I will take " Things that start
with 'F "' for , Stu.

- [Bell Chiming, Siren Blaring]
- [Stu] Oh.! You've happened
upon our Daily Dozen.

No need to be afraid, T-Dog.
How much do you want to wager?

Oh, oh, straight ta-rum,
er, uh, tara, ah-rum, ah...

I'll wager , Stu.

All right, for and the lead,
the "Starts with 'F"' category is...

"Your mama's so funky..."
So funky. Think about it.

[Clock Ticking]

Need an answer.!

Uh, yo' mama's drawers
is so funky...

the roaches check in
but they don't check out!

- [Bell Dings]
- "F" to the "U" to the "N," to
the "K" to the "Y," funky.

- Three hundred points!
- I think I will take "Yo' mama's so old" for .

Yo'mama so old...
Leonard?

Your mama's so old, her first
computer was a Univac ...

with a K RAM and a magnetic
tape data storage system.

- Judges?
- [Buzzing]

Oh, no. We can't accept that.

Come on! The Univac's
a virtual dinosaur!

- Anyone else?
- Yo' mama so old, she's in Jesus' yearbook!

- [Bell Dings]
- Not a young mama. Sonya, where to?

Um, "Teeth So Yellow" for .

- Your mama's teeth so yellow...
- Your mama's teeth so yellow...

- when she yawns, traffic just slows down.
- [Bell Dings]

Let's see, Stu. I think I will
take "Teeth so yellow" for .

"Yo'mama's teeth so yellow..."
Leonard?

Your mama's teeth so yellow,
when she expectorates...

the discharge resembles the coagulated
mammarian fats of a domesticated bovine.

- Judges?
- [Buzzing]

I'm sorry, Leonard, but we just don't
understand what you're saying.

Come on.! The bitch's teeth
are so yellow, she spits butter.!

- [Bell Chiming]
- All right.!

- Leonard in the house with !
- [Bell Ringing]

Oh, and that signals
the end of Regular Dozens...

so at this point,
we'll clear the board...

and take a look at
tonight's Mystery Dis.

For points and the game...

Yo' mama so ugly, she had to get her baby
drunk just so she could breast-feed it.

- [Bell Dinging]
- Yes.! And T-Dog...

with , points,
remains champion!

- [Audience Cheering]
- All right, T-Dog.

Oh, nicely played.
You're today's winner.

And that means you'll be dissing
in the bonus round for a new car!

[Stu]
Ah-ha-ha-ho! Oh, ho-ho!

Here's what you do
to take it home.

- The driver of the car is Montez.
- Yo, what's up, Stu?

You have one minute to dis
Montez so viciously...

that he gets out of the car
to teach your butt a lesson.

If you do that, the car is yours.
Otherwise, Montez...

you get to keep the car!

One minute on the clock.
And... start dissin'!

Yeah, what's up, your mama's
so black, she bleeds smoke.

Nice try, man. But Damian "Football"
Williams couldn't get me to "unass" this car.

Yeah, well your mama's house so dusty,
the roaches ride around on dune buggies.

[Yawning]
Man, why don't you just give up, man?

Yo, yo' mama so fat,
her blood type is Ragu.

Weak.

Yo, yo' mama so ugly, she gotta
trick-or-treat over the phone.

It's tired, man. That
don't even bother me, man.

Yeah, yeah, yo' mama so short, you can
see her feet on her driver's license!

- Look man, why don't you raise up?
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like I say, yo' mama like
the Pillsbury Doughboy. Everybody poke her.

I'm gonna bust your a...
One more time.

Like I said, yeah.
Yo' mama so stanky...

Yo' mama so stanky, she gets
sourdough yeast infections!

- Now, who told you? I'm gonna k*ll you!
- [Stu] Ho, ho.!

- [Bell Ringing]
- He did it! T-Dog wins the car!

And that's all the time
we have tonight.

Join us next time when we'll be dissin'
for dollars on The Dirty Dozens.

I'm Audi . Peace!

[Announcer] The Dirty Dozens has been
brought to you by Yo Mama's Cakes.

Everybody doesn't like something,
but nobody likes Yo Mama!

Ready or not, baby, here I come.
Just call me The Terminator.

You can't keep your
love nest away from me.

I don't know what you was thinkin',
'cause I tell you what:

When I bust in, I want you to be butt-naked
and I want you to be standin' at attention.

- [Banging]
- [Grunting]

Okay, okay, all right.
This is a little tough.

And you lucky I'm
a strong, lovely woman.

'Cause the average woman would just
give up. But I can't give up on my love!

You gotta take care of these children.
I'm comin' in!

- [Banging]
- [Grunting]

[Howling]

Yeah, let's get it up
right now! What's up?

We got a lot of people to talk about
comin' from the underground...

well, now we got "Lords of the Underground"
with Chief Rocka...

and here come the Lords...
give it up and let it get up!