05x21 - March 24, 1994

[bunniefuu]

Hi. I'm Loomis Simmons.

Ladies...

are the only breasts
your man holds Kentucky fried?

Does he think a "G" spot is a $ bill?

Well, I can make you
the love bucket of his dreams...

when you let me
make him jealous.

The plan is simple.

We go to your place, get butt naked...

and do the nasty on your front lawn...
in full view of the neighbors.

You can even take Polaroids, if you want.

The Loomis Method
has been endorsed...

by leading scientists all over
the world... even Albert Einstein.

Let's listen.

The Loomis Method works "indubitally."

Thank you, Albert.

Now, how often will we have
this freaky-deaky sex?

As often as possible.

Just listen to another
Loomis success story.

Before Loomis, my husband
never paid any attention to me.

Now we're together all the time.
[Coughs]

Who are you talkin' to?
Who are you talkin' to?

I was telling the people how
Loomis helps me all the time.

You just get in the house. Get!
Damn you, Loomis!

Damn you! Damn you! You just
get the hell out of here, Loomis.

- Thanks, Loomis. I really...
- Just get in the house.

Just get. Loomis, you bastard.

So what are you waiting for?

Call today.

The number is, uh, - .

That's, uh, - ...

and that spells, uh...

[Babbles]

Remember, the secret
to a happy marriage is Loomis...

when you let me
make him jealous.

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

[Man]
Fox Television presents...

The Best of the th Annual
Academy Awards...

with your host, Whoopi Goldberg.

Oh, what a year it's been.

- With Robin Williams.
- Looks like RuPaul with an orthopedic shoe.

Genitalia not included.

Take me,
Malibu Ken.

Whoops. Better get Maaco.
[Laughs]

- Uh, Irving Thalberg was a man of high ideals.
- That's right...

High ideals and high heels.

[With Campy Voice]
Yes, this spring Irving will be stepping out...

in his pink taffeta
ensemble that says...

"Excuse me, garçon. I'll have the quiche."
[Hisses]

[Man]
With glamorous stars like Rosie Perez.

Hey, [Bleep] I didn't pay
bucks so you could get...

a close up of a [Bleep] rented tux.

I'm a [Bleep] Now get a sh*t
of my [Bleep] or something.

- [Camera Shutters Clicking]
- Oh, Rosie...

Oh, great goddess
of Puerto Rican knockers.

All hail to the lactating
wet nurse from hell.

Get some of this,
you stupid [Bleep]

[Man] It's a night
you'll want to relive again and again.

And now it is my great pleasure
to introduce to you...

a tribute to the history
of sound effects editing...

as interpreted by the Debbie Allen
Dancers and the Bill Conti Orch...

You tell 'em sister. Damn!
[Laughs]

Hey, Whoopi, I'm white
and I'm ready for you.

Who says they can't jump, huh? Whoa.

Man, why don't you just shut up?

Why don't you, for once
in your life, just shut up?

Hey, wait a second.
[Groaning]

- Shut up.
- Whoa. Intense pain. Massive flesh wound.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em...
I'm not in Kansas anymore.

The th Annual Academy Awards...

The most exciting
nine hours ever on television.

[Man]
Okay, very nice. And...

Oh.! Good cut.
All right, great.

Butch is obviously very talented.

We're going to be in touch with
your agent. Thanks for coming in today.

You were wonderful. Really.
Thanks a lot for coming. Thanks a lot.

Wow. She sucked. Whew!

Next, please.
Come on in.

Next dog.

That's all right now, Duke.
Now just relax. You is a born actor.

Excuse me, sir. This is the casting
session for Beethoven's sidekick.

You want to go down the hall to
the left for Honey, I Ran Over the Dog.

See you don't want him to be here.

You want him to play a pimp
or a thief'cause he's a black dog.

Thing about it is, if the dog
was light skinned, like Old Yeller...

you'd give him a respectable part.

But the thing about it,
he could even get him...

an Image Award or something,
like Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Sir, I'm sorry. No.
We're not going to use your dog, okay?

- We're not going to.
- Well, I guess I have to tell
Spike Lee about it, huh?

- Go tell whoever you'd like.
- I guess I'll go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles...

and get Al Sharpton then.

All right, wait. Not Al.
Okay, we'll give your dog a chance.

- All right then.
- All right. Now. Your situation...

There's a suitcase of money
up in a tree, and Beethoven...

He got locked in a closet somehow,
so Duke has to get the suitcase down...

before the villains get to it
and take it away from the family, okay?

- All right. All right.
- All right.

- And... action.
- All right, Duke, remember your lines.

Don't get nervous.
Jump up and get the case, Duke.

You see the case, don't you, Duke?

Jump up and get
the case, Duke.

- Sir. Sir.
- There you go, Duke.

Look, sir, here comes the director.
You'll have to talk to him.

Oh, look at that.
Don't I know you from somewhere?

Of course you do. I'm a world-famous
director. I'm in charge of this film.

Well, you're Miss Butterworth's boy,
ain't you?

- I'll be damned.
- No, I'm not.

I'll never forget. I knew you was gonna
get into film 'cause you loved cameras.

I'll never forget... One time
you was takin' a picture of a lion.

The lion rushed you, cut you
up into, like, FarmerJohn bacon.

Your mama was gonna cook you, but
your father recognized your birthmark.

He said, "Don't cook the boy."

Uh, look, sir, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

And anyway, I do not use
stuffed animals in my movies.

Well, you know, there's
a lot of things that Duke is...

- and one thing is, he is not stuffed.
- [Sighs]

He hasn't eaten since .

- Aah!
- Sir!

Okay, I'm gonna humor you.

The dog in this movie has to be able...

to revive the wounded woman...

and get her away from the car
before it blows up.

Let's see if your dog can do that.
[Chuckles]

- Humor me.
- Come on now, Duke.

- There you go, Duke.
- Oh!

- Use your tongue, like I taught you, Duke.
- [Spitting]

This is disgusting. I quit.

- Uh...
- We need her. She won an Oscar last year.

Come on back.
Once you go shepherd, you don't go back.

I'll tell you what. Why don't you
have Duke sit right about there.

- Right here. Yeah. Right here.
- Right there.

Just have him sit there. We want him to...
We want... There you go.

Sit right there, Duke.
Just sit still, boy. There you go.

There you go.! Oh.!

Okay, sir, he's dead now,
all right?

He's dead. D-E-A-D, dead.

- Dead as Gacy's paperboy, okay?
- What do you mean?

Duke's career is never dead.
See how he bounces back?

Every time he gets hit,
he bounces right back.

All right, sir. Look...

All right, sir, fine.
But we're not looking for adult dogs.

We're looking for puppies.
We want puppies, okay?

Aw, you should have said so, 'cause he
got more b*tches than Luther Campbell.

Come on round here.

Sir, we... We don't want...
Oh, my God.

There you go. There you go.
All the litter right there.

There you go.
Hey, y'all stay in line now.

- Security! Leon! Leon!
- Boy, y'all some family dogs.

All right, now,
y'all gotta jump in the box.

Come on now, Michael,
uh, Tito, Jermaine. Come on now.

Oh, y'all acting
trifling, then, huh?

Jump in, one at a time.

Petey...

This is so impetuous, running off
and getting married like this.

Nothin' too good for you, Tracy.

Hey, look... They even throw rice
at you for an extra five dollars.

Five dollars for rice?
Good Lord, that's a lot of money.

How about I give 'em
a buck and a quarter...

and they throw some black-eyed peas?

Peter. But I'm telling you,
I still want a honeymoon.

I've always wanted to see
the moon over Paris.

Well, how about the sun over Compton?

Welcome to the Chapel of Wildwood.

Are you young lovers
thinking of getting married?

We sure are, Peggy Bundy.

Now how much it cost
to get married?

Well, that depends.
We have a flat rate of $ .

$ ? Good Lord,
that's a lot of money.

Well, $ of that
goes for the marriage licences.

All right, check this out.
Check this out.

How about I give you a buck and a
quarter, and you give me a learner's permit?

I'm sorry, sir.
We can't do that.

Peter, I can't believe
you're acting this way.

Don't worry. It's okay.
I know how nervous people get...

when they're about to get married.

Now. We have a variety of ways
to preserve the moment forever.

Okay, seeing that
you're a thrifty couple...

you'd probably want
the Polaroid pictures.

- Okay, I got one question.
- It's . .

- Good Lord! How'd you know
I was gonna ask you that?
- Lucky guess, sir.

Miss, you mentioned you have
a variety of ways to record this event.

What other ways do you suggest?

Well, yes, we could videotape
the service. That would cost...

Well, brace yourself, sir.
You ready?

. .

. ? Good Lord.

How about I give you four dollars
and we use a View-Master?

All right, let's forget the pictures...

but you just aren't a bride...

- without the bouquet.
- [Gasps] Oh!

Oh, they smell exquisite.

And a steal at . .

. ?

I thought when you stole
something it was free.

I'm gonna go get the minister. You might
want to take a look at the wedding cakes.

- See if you want to buy one.
- Okay.

[Gasps]
Oh!

- I like this cake, Petey.
- Good Lord.

Oh, and look at this one.
It has five tiers.

- I don't care if it has two.
- Mmm!

Ooh. Look at this one. Cognac.

Don't you like Pop Tarts?

- [Sighs]
- Good Lord.

Petey, this is only $ .

How about we give 'em two dollars
and get a wedding pancake?

No. Whatever.
We have to get this one because, lookit.

- It has the figurines on it.
- I don't care about no figurines.

Why don't we just get a G.I. Joe
with a Barbie on it?

All right, let's begin the ceremony.

♪♪ [Organ Playing
"Here Comes The Bride"]

[Clears Throat]

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

in the countenance
of the great almighty Lord... Excuse me.

- Which ceremony did they pay for?
- Oh, the no-frills ceremony.

I now pronounce you man and wife.
Tag her and bag her.

Now you listen here, Boss Hogg
from The Dukes of Hazard.

- A ring... How much it cost for a ring?
- bucks.

$ ? Good Lord.

Petey, don't you think
I'm worth a diamond ring?

You mean a band of gold with
a d-d-diamond on it? Check this out.

How about I give somebody cents...

and we'll get you a Cheerio
with a raisin on it?

- Good idea.
- All right, check this out. Check this out.

How about I give you
a Life-Saver...

and you suck it
till it fits your finger?

I've never been
so offended in my life.

- Good-bye.
- Come on, girl.

Cheaper car insurance.
Come on back now.

We, uh...
We got hookers.

Come on, Barry.
The train's leaving.

Barry.

Get...

Barry, hurry up.

Oh, you're walking so good.

- You're such a big boy.
- I've been walking for years, Mom.

Has it been that long?
It seems like yesterday.

- [Indistinct]
- [Groans]

I told you to hold on to something,
Mr. Big sh*t, Mr. Daredevil.

Now I've dropped my CD.

You don't need your CD's.
That's just noise. That's not music.

You wanna go deaf?
Is that what you want?

Yes! So I won't have to listen to you.

Hey! Is this a snake?

What's this, a boa constrictor?
Could I pet it?

No. It's an "embryo-a" constrictor.

- Could I pet it anyway?
- You dumb asp. Go sit down.

It's his umbilical cord.
You never seen one before?

It's the source of life.

- You can kiss my raggedy behind, lady.
- You see what I mean?

This is what happens if you stray
too far from the uterus.

- Don't talk to my jailer like that.
- Go sit.

Go sit. Go sit.

All right.

Oh, my God.

- That's disgusting.
- Oh.!

- Sorry.
- Oh, let him go. He doesn't understand.

- Besides, you and I can be closer this way.
- Yeah.

How's your stomach doing?
Are you hungry?

- Mm, yeah.
- Yes, you're looking very thin.

Let's have a little nosh, okay?

Mmm.

Pastrami. My favorite.

How come I never get to chew, Ma?

What? And ruin those gorgeous teeth
I spent thousands of dollars on? Never.

Hi there, handsome.

Is that your umbilical cord,
or are you just happy to see me?

Both, really.
What's your name?

- Tanya.
- Ooh. Hello.

You wanna have sex?

♪♪ [Humming]

Gee, I don't know. Would it be
all right if my mom's in the room?

Well, that'll cost you a little bit extra, but...
[Laughs]

- [Belches]
- Oh.

- Ma!
- What?

I have...
I have some gas.

Oh! Get away my son Barry,
you cheap trollop.

What are you doing?
You wanna go get us both syphilis?

What's on your lip?

I can't believe you'd sit
next to someone like that.

I think she liked me.

Yes, and for $ she'd like
your Uncle Morrie too.

You just don't want me
to be happy, Mom.

I want you to be happy.
Forget it.

Oh, Rabbi.

Oh, baby.

Oh! Oh! Get away from here, you cheap cur.

Get away from me, you filthy dog.

That's disgusting, Ma.
I hate this thing.

Well, this is the thing
that gives you life.

- I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
- I love you. I love you. I love you.

- I hate it. I hate it.
- I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you.
I love you.

Get out of here.

- I hate you, Ma.
- Well, I love you.

Yeah?

Oh. Sorry.

Barry, I'm warning you. If you don't come
back in here the doors are gonna close.

- You're gonna be by yourself.
- I'm not coming back, Ma.

- All right, be a big man.
- I'm gonna be my own man.

- Learn your lesson.
- I'm gonna be self-reliant.

- Okay.
- Independent.

All right. You have a big thing
coming out of your stomach.

Don't forget that.
Bye-bye, Barry.

Yes. You see? You're all alone now.
Is that what you wanted?

- You got what you wanted, young man.
- Ma!

Maybe if you're good and you
give your mother a little respect...

I'll let you in at Grand Central.

Doggy?

Doug, is everything
coming out in there okay?

[Toilet Flushes]

You know, Peggy...

I think I put too much jalepeños
on my pancakes this morning.

These hemorrhoids are k*lling me.

Well, Doug, you won't
have them for long.

That laser's over
, degrees in Fahrenheit.

They'll just burn
those babies right off.

- Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
- Oh, Peggy, stop.

- You're scaring me.
- [Laughs] Oh, Doug.

Don't be such a tight ass.

All right, now here, honey.

Let's just get up here.

- All right, Peggy, let me...
- Let me strap you in.

Let me just get up here on my own.

- Okay, now, careful. Careful.
- Ow!

- [Groans]
- You okay?

- Yeah, I'm all right, Peggy.
- All right.

[Groans]
You know, it's good to see you again.

Nice to see you too, Doug.

- I didn't think I'd see you so soon.
- Oh, well.

Oh, while you're back there,
could you loosen those straps for me?

- Are you all right with that?
- Oh, sure. Whoa.!

These babies are about to blow.

- Peggy.
- Aw.

Now don't be so sensitive, okay?

Now I'm gonna go and see if they're
ready for you in Surgery, all right?

- Oh, Doug, one more thing.
- Yeah?

- Buzz, buzz!
- Oh!

Peggy, stop it.
You are such a card.

- [Chuckles]
- These dividers are needed in room .

Uh, guys? Uh, excuse me.

I'm not done with that.

- Uh, Peggy.
- [Bell Dings]

Oh, my God.

I didn't know hemorrhoids
could get that big.

Hemorrhoids?

I thought he was giving birth.

Now, excuse me.
That was not called for.

You people are professionals...
Nurse Ratched.

Peggy! Peggy.

[Bell Dings]

[Speaking Japanese]

[Shutter Clicking]

Excuse me. Ex...
This is not a Kodak moment.

Please! Peggy-san?

Peggy-san. Help.
Arigato.

Okay, Mr. Furguson's vital signs
are finally stabilizing.

- Let's get him over to I.C.U.
- [Laughing]

[Choking]

Oh, great. We've lost him.
Are you happy now?

Your Tater Tot-lookin' [Blip]
k*lled a man.

Peggy! Peggy!

Ow. Ow!

Are you trying to take my temperature?

- Bang, bang!
- Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

Aw, come on, kids.
Come on now.

Hey. This is not a playground.

This is a hospital! Stop it!
Come on, kids. Time out.

Are you all right with that?

Boys!

Oh! Stay away from that man's hemorrhoids.

They might be contagious.

That is not true. Peggy!

- Peggy!
- Doug, Doug.

They're ready for you in Surgery.

It's about time.
Some kid just put an arrow in my butt.

And before that a Japanese
gentleman took a picture of it...

- and I think I k*lled a fat white man, Peggy.
- [Gasps] A fat white man?

- Yes. I'm not all right with this. Damn it!
- All right, mister.

Just because you have hemorrhoids
doesn't mean you have to be rude.

- Peggy, I'm sorry. Peggy!
- No!

Peggy.!

- [Peggy] Hi, guys.
- Someone unstrap me, please.

Oh, my God.

Peggy! I'm not all right with this.

Can I get over?
Can I?

- Oh, my God.
- [g*nshots]

Someone sh*t at me!

- [Horn Honking]
- Is that a train?

Hey! That's not
a tunnel back there.

Peggy. Peggy!

[Blubbering]

[Horn Honks]

Yeah, let's give it up for Ruthless Records
recording artist Eazy E...

performing "Real Compton City G's."

You know it.

Do the ladies run this house?

- ♪♪ [Hip-hop]
- Oh, yeah.

Compton C-P-T style tonight.

We gonna do something
like this.

Yo, E.

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

- All the ladies, make some noise.
- [Crowd Roars]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Make some noise.

- Yo, Dre.
- Yo, Drester.

♪♪ [Ends]