01x03 - Cross That Bridge

[bunniefuu]

And thank you to my amazing

bridesmaids for making it out here

to Alliance, Nebraska, for

our destination wedding.

And finally, I'd like to raise a glass

to my Grandpa and Grandma Froimson

for showing me what true

love should look like.

Fifty years ago they went on a walk

and walked straight to the courthouse.

They just knew.

My grandpa called it

the "Froimson Feeling."

And, Eddie, I have the

Froimson Feeling for you.

All right, bridesmaids. Time to dance.

I don't know this song. Nicole

never warned me about this.

The instructions are in

the song. Just follow along.

To the right, to the right ♪

To the left, to the right ♪

To the left, to the right ♪

To the left, to the left ♪

Step forward, to the right ♪

And now, it's time for the

bridesmaids' significant others

to join the ladies on the dance floor.

- Okay.

- Let's bring it home.

To the right, to the right ♪

To the left, to the right ♪

To the left, to the right ♪

To the left, to the left ♪

Step forward ♪

To the right, to the right ♪

You're good. Doing great.

Step backward ♪

To the left, to the left ♪

Would've been nice if

we'd danced together.

I know, but line dancing,

weddings, the whole

I hate it. You know how much I hate it.

Yeah, but you left me up

there alone, which I hate.

I'm sorry.

I love you. You know I love you, right?

Yeah, I do.

So Nicole and Eddie are married now.

Yeah. Yeah, crazy.

Even though they started

dating a year after we did.

Okay. What are the

top three for tonight?

Top three worst moments

of the evening. Go.

Okay. Number one: When Nicole's

grandfather got so drunk

that he started dancing with a tree.

Well, you you can't deny the

Froimson Feeling. You really

Number two: I I gotta go with

when that girl came

out of the photo booth

- barefoot, holding a skewer of lamb.

- Oh, yeah.

She definitely did not have

that skewer when she went in.

Uh-huh.

And number three is the DJ's

choice of "Blurred Lines"

for the daddy-daughter dance.

The lines between daddies and

daughters are pretty clear.

Damn gentlemen's punch.

Good morning, sunshine.

Hey! Thank you so much for last night.

It was really fun. So

I'll see you around?

Yee honk.

Where you off to so fast? Aren't

you gonna stay for breakfast?

Oh, wow.

This is a lot. You really went all out.

Well, that's what a fellow

does when he's found the one.

The what now?

You done tamed me ♪

This buck no longer is free ♪

A lady doctor from New York City ♪

Smiled at me with

her eyes all pretty ♪

Now I'm hooked and

it's made me giddy ♪

You done tamed me ♪

So what do you say? You ready

to make an honest man out of me?

Oh, Danny, no.

I'm flattered, uh, but I This

was really more of a one-night thing.

Plus, you know, Josh and I, we

just had a little lovers' spat,

um, made some mistakes,

extremely hot mistakes.

But Think we're

gonna patch things up.

So, yup.

I'm gonna skedaddle on out of here.

And you can go back to

being the town rapscallion.

But wait! ♪

How's a broken, busted carny like me ♪

Gonna provide for my brand-new ♪

Highfalutin, big city bride ♪

With a kid that's on the way? ♪

Oh. Whoa, okay. I'm not your bride.

And no need to worry about a baby

'cause I have this magic

thing called an IUD.

Course if he's a boy ♪

Everything will be fine ♪

But what if he's a girl? ♪

A dainty, delicate, pink-wearin' ♪

Frills and curls girl? ♪

That'd change everything ♪

But would it? Really?

And, again, I'm not preg

And so from this day forward I vow ♪

I'm gonna get me some money ♪

Someway, somehow ♪

I paid a colleague to insert a

copper, T-shaped device in my uterus

to prevent the implantation of

I gotta get some money ♪

And there's no way to make it ♪

Forget it.

So I'm gonna have to steal it ♪

Or even take it ♪

Those are the same thing.

Or filch it ♪

Or pilfer it, or rob it, or swipe it ♪

Or nick it, or thieve it ♪

Or finagle it ♪

Or abscond with it ♪

- Come on.

- Hey! Have any of you ladies seen Josh?

Show the ring.

Show the ring. Show the ring.

Show the ring. Show the ring.

Show the ring. Show

the ring. Show the ring.

Ladies, I'm proud to

announce that from now on,

you can call me Mrs.

Doctor Josh Skinner MD.

Yee honk.

Psst, Mel. Over here.

You ass. You're engaged?

After all the meltdowns you'd have

anytime I'd very casually

ask to look at rings? Online?

He was going to sh**t me.

What? Who?

The farmer. Betsy's father.

He pointed a full-on Elmer

Fudd shotgun at my face

and forced me to propose to her

on the spot. I had no choice!

It's not funny!

Oh, it kind of is.

And, by the way, that girl is

apparently much younger than she looks.

Yeah, I tried to warn you.

Have you not seen Sound of

Music? Liesl is 16 going on 29.

And he's a doctor!

Women were so underwritten

in early musicals.

Wait a minute.

What?

Harvey, what's going on?

I'm so sorry, Miss Melissa.

They just came over all of a sudden

and made me clean out your rooms.

Who's "they"?

Well, it's it's it's

It is we.

The concerned citizens of the

Mothers Against the Future.

"The Mothers Against the Future"?

So, you're against the passage of time?

We are against city folk like you

contaminating our town

with your urban ways.

Exhibit A: you went off into the woods

with an innocent girl

and led her astray.

What? No No, I didn't.

Nothing even happened.

And Exhibit B: you spent the night

with that known fornicator Danny Bailey.

And also in my situation

nothing happened.

Just the same thing that

happened in his situation.

And you know what?

We are both outraged by

these outlandish allegations.

The only outrageous thing

here is your behavior,

which has now officially

been deemed as unseemly

by the Mothers Against the Future.

Therefore, no one, and I mean no one,

in Schmigadoon will give you lodging.

And, Harvey, don't even think about

letting them back in after I've left.

I can read you like a book.

Oh, wait, books have spines.

Y'all have a nice day.

Let's go, ladies.

So you and the carny actually

- Why?

- Why Why did you do the basket auction?

I

- Okay, look, we both made mistakes.

- Yeah.

So let's just move on.

We've got more important

things to deal with.

For instance, me being sh*t to death.

That's not gonna happen, Josh.

We're in a musical, okay?

Nobody gets k*lled in a musical.

Except Oklahoma! And Carousel.

And South Pacific. Oh,

hello, West Side Story.

That sounds like all the musicals.

So I'm dead, we have no place to

stay, and we're stuck here forever.

No, we're not. Okay,

here's what we're gonna do.

Uh, you go break things off with Betsy.

The farmer's not gonna sh**t you.

And I will go find the mayor and see if

he can help us find

another place to stay.

And then what?

And then We're smart, we

found our way out of Ikea.

We'll find a way out of here.

Okay.

Sounds good.

I'm I'm gonna do it.

You'll be fine, I promise.

Hey, Betsy.

Hey there. And that is Mrs.

Doctor Josh Skinner to you.

Oh, Betsy.

So, there is something

we need to talk about.

Well, no kidding. I mean,

there are so many plans to make.

Oh, I just

I really can't wait to be married.

Yeah, that's pretty

clear. But you know what?

You are still young. And how

young, we'll probably never know.

But you have your

whole life ahead of you,

so there's no need to

rush into things, right?

But if it's true love

Well, sure. But

Wait a minute.

What if it is?

I mean, who knows what Schmigadoon

thinks is true love, right?

Maybe you're my way out.

Your way out of what?

But why are you so set on walking

across the footbridge right now?

Is there some kind of romantic reason?

Yes, exactly.

There's a romantic reason.

A very romantic reason.

Ooh. What is it?

- I'm gonna tell you right now.

- Okay.

What the reason is.

Because it's really romantic.

Um

It's something my family

calls the "Skinner Feeling."

The Skinner Feeling?

Yes! So, over 50 years ago,

my grandparents went for a

walk to the local footbridge.

And after they crossed,

they ended up walking straight

to the courthouse to get married.

Grandpa said once he crossed

that bridge with Grandma,

he knew, without a

doubt, it was true love.

- It was the Skinner Feeling.

- That's right.

And it's not to be doubted.

And only a Skinner can feel it.

And the other person can never

know whether he does or doesn't.

Dr. Josh Skinner,

that is the most beautiful

thing that I've ever heard.

Great. And so now it's tradition

for a Skinner to cross a

bridge with their betrothed

so they can be sure that it's true love.

Well, I for one would be honored

to cross this bridge with you.

- All right, sounds great. Let's do this.

- Okay.

Damn it.

So did you feel it? Just

like your Grandpa Skinner did?

Actually, no.

- I'm so sorry, Betsy.

- But

So then it's not true love?

Are we not getting married?

I guess not. I'm I'm

as confused as you are.

Damn this Skinner Feeling! It's

a It's a curse is what it is.

Papa's not gonna like this.

Yeah, so maybe we should

hold off letting him know

out of consideration for

his feelings and my life?

Papa!

Wait! Seriously, don't tell Papa!

You'll You'll be okay, Betsy!

There are plenty other guys out there!

Maybe some closer to your own age!

Whatever that is.

You just have to

keep trying.

So, what can I help you with, dear?

I'm actually looking

for the mayor. Is he in?

Sorry, no. He's on

one of his walks again.

He just loves going on his walks.

How are you finding

your rooms at the inn?

I always use a long piece of

string tied to the doorknob.

Actually, that's why I'm here.

Turns out, Mildred

Layton got us kicked out

and told everybody in

town not to put us up.

So I was hoping maybe

the mayor could intervene?

Oh, no.

The mayor doesn't want to run afoul

of the Mothers Against the Future.

I think they're witches.

So, where are we supposed to stay?

I'm not sure. Would

you be staying together?

I think so. It's still

a little complicated.

Hmm. You know, I heard Doc Lopez

was looking for a new nurse.

And the position comes

with room and board.

I'm, uh, a little overqualified to

be a nurse. I'm actually a doctor.

Well, maybe the mayor will be able to

help you once he gets

back from his walk.

He just loves his walks.

Sometimes he's gone for hours

on end just walking and walking.

Mrs. Menlove, forgive me for asking,

but how much do you really

know about your husband?

That's a good question.

He's a hard man to know, it seems.

Different.

Some men like to fight and curse ♪

They smoke and drink and yell ♪

Leave you flat, or even worse ♪

They stay and make life hell ♪

But my man is gentle ♪

As soft and sentimental ♪

As any lace adorned a valentine ♪

He's a q*eer one ♪

That man o' mine ♪

Oh, honey.

Some men stumble home at dark ♪

Want dinner and dessert ♪

Other men have eyes that spark ♪

At every passing skirt ♪

But my man loves cookin' ♪

I've never caught him lookin' ♪

At other gals more young ♪

Petite, or fine ♪

He's a q*eer one ♪

That man o' mine ♪

This was literally me in high school.

Show me any other man ♪

More tender or expressive ♪

I only wish that nightly ♪

He were slightly more aggressive ♪

There it is.

Sometimes it may seem like ♪

He is too good to be true ♪

Like there's a man that I can't see ♪

Just aching to break through ♪

I wish I could free him ♪

So I could finally see him ♪

The way he truly is ♪

And let him shine ♪

He's a q*eer one ♪

That man o' mine ♪

Mrs. Menlove, you could always

give your husband a little nudge

to help him break out of his shell.

Oh, no. I could never do that.

That's for him to decide, not me.

It's off! It's off! Doctor

Skinner's called it off.

Carson, what's this about?

Wait. Who called what off now?

Also is he just allowed

to burst in everywhere?

Dr. Skinner! He's broken

off the engagement.

- And now Betsy's devastated.

- It's off! It's off!

Wow. He did it. He actually did it.

Maybe Josh is finally ready

to commit to working on us.

And Grandpa said when he'd

crossed that bridge with Grandma,

that he knew, without a

doubt, that it was true love.

Oh, my.

He called it the "Skinner Feeling."

So which of you ladies wants

to cross this bridge with me?

Let's move it along 'cause there may or

may not be a farmer

who wants to k*ll me.

I hope it's me.

I didn't know about this

until ten seconds ago,

but now it's my only dream.

Sure, yeah! Let's make it

a number! Why the hell not?

I've heard it so often ♪

That I'm numb to it ♪

"Let's cross that bridge ♪

When we come to it" ♪

But now that I'm single ♪

Still at twenty-three ♪

I've got a new philosophy ♪

Find that bridge ♪

And cross it now ♪

Find that bridge ♪

And cross it right now ♪

Let the other gals keep waiting ♪

Wasting time, procrastinating ♪

Find that bridge ♪

And cross it right now ♪

- Find that guy ♪

- Find that guy ♪

- And get that ring ♪

- And get that ring ♪

Find that guy ♪

And getcha that ring ♪

Let the other ladies falter ♪

As they're racing for the altar ♪

Find that guy ♪

And getcha that ring, ring, ring ♪

Here come the groom,

here come the bride ♪

Let's all meet 'em on the other side ♪

Here come the groom,

here come the bride ♪

Let's all meet 'em on the other side ♪

Let's all meet 'em on the other side ♪

Let's all meet 'em on the other side ♪

- Oh.

- Oh.

It's I'm sorry. Oh.

I hate Good to Bye.

It's not a metaphor ♪

Oh, no, it's something more ♪

It's a literal bridge ♪

Sister, get that mister ♪

Go get him ♪

It's not a metaphor ♪

Oh, no, it's something more ♪

It's a literal bridge ♪

No.

Sister, get that mister ♪

Go get him ♪

- Find that bridge and cross it now ♪

- It's not a metaphor ♪

Oh, no, it's something more ♪

- Find that bridge and cross it now ♪

- It's a literal bridge ♪

- Next, please. Go.

- Every day you're hesitating ♪

Is a day your looks are fading ♪

Find that bridge ♪

- And cross it right now ♪

- Okay. All right. As I suspected.

Find that bridge and cross it now ♪

Someone's gotta be the right one!

Find that bridge and cross it right ♪

Oh, cross it now ♪

All the gals who dillydally ♪

End up dying in an alley ♪

Find that bridge ♪

And cross it right now ♪

Cross that bridge right now! ♪

All right, uh, who's next?

Come on, that can't be everyone.

Really? There's no one left?

Oh, yes!

- Unbelievable.

- Mel.

This is what you've been doing all day?

It was an experiment.

I was trying to figure out

a way to get us out of here.

You mean for you to get out of here?

While I run around town trying

to find a place for us to stay?

It's like you are

incapable of doing anything

but whatever takes the least

amount of emotional effort.

For the record, I don't

know how you define "effort,"

but there was a huge dance number.

- Goodbye, Josh.

- Mel Mel, come on.

No, no, no. Clearly we're

just out for ourselves now.

- Mel.

- Screw you, Josh.

You broke my daughter's heart.

- She told Papa!

- You're dead meat.

Yeah, that's a real g*n.

Get back here, you!

Ouch! My bottom!

Sorry, Pete!

This sucks!

- Oh.

- Dr. Skinner?

Hi, Reverend. Sorry,

I Are you open, or

The house of the Lord is always

open. Stay as long as you'd like.

Beats going home, right?

Is something bothering you?

Sure, why not?

I've had a rough couple

of days here, Rev.

My girlfriend and I broke up,

then I was forced to

propose at gunpoint,

and now it seems like I'm stuck here.

Because apparently there's no way for me

to find true love. Whatever that means.

Well, the good book has

something to say about that.

"True love bears all

things, believes all things,

hopes all things, and

endures all things."

In other words, it's a lot of work.

So, it's probably not

something you find.

It's probably something you make.

But what if I

What if I'm just not capable of that?

If that's Farmer McDonough,

tell him I've left town.

Emma, what brings you by so late?

Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep,

so I cleaned out Carson's closet.

I thought the poor could use these.

Emma, this is wonderful. We needed

more sailor suits, thank you.

Don't worry about it, Reverend.

See you at the bake sale.

Now, to answer your question,

I believe that everyone

Who was that?

Emma Tate, the schoolmarm.

Schoolmarm? And "marm" is what, again?

Does that mean she's married, or

Oh, no. Emma's made it abundantly

clear she's got no use for marriage.

I wish I'd had her strength.

She didn't try to cross

the bridge with me.

It's gotta be her.

So, here I am ♪

Back on my own ♪

Wanderin' the streets of town alone ♪

Things with Josh have gone from ♪

Bad to worse ♪

Guess it's time to ♪

- Yes?

- Doc Lopez?

- That's me.

- Who is it, dear?

I'm Melissa Gimble. I'm here

about the nurse position.

Oh, then you have the wrong

Doc Lopez. Uh, one moment.

You'll be wanting our son.

Jorge, someone's here to see you.

Hello.

Yee honk.

Find that bridge ♪

And cross it now ♪

Find that bridge ♪

And cross it right now ♪

Let the other gals keep waiting ♪

Wasting time, procrastinating ♪

Find that bridge ♪

And cross it right now ♪

- Find that guy ♪

- Find that guy ♪

- And get that ring ♪

- And get that ring ♪

Find that guy ♪

And getcha that ring ♪

Let the other ladies falter ♪

As they're racing for the altar ♪

Find that guy ♪

And getcha that ring, ring, ring ♪

Here come the groom,

here come the bride ♪

Let's all meet 'em on the other side ♪

Let's all meet 'em on the other side ♪

It's not a metaphor ♪

Oh, no, it's something more ♪

It's a literal bridge ♪

Sister, get that mister ♪

Go get him ♪

Find that bridge and cross it now ♪

Find that bridge and cross it right ♪

Oh, cross it now ♪

All the gals who dillydally ♪

End up dying in an alley ♪

Find that bridge ♪

And cross it right now ♪

Cross that bridge right now ♪