03x08 - A Convent Full of Miracles

[bunniefuu]

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[BARKING]

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NARRATOR: Some people think the age of miracles is past,

but don't you believe it.

For instance, take our Convent of San Tanco.

If it was in better shape,

they'd declare it a disaster area.

But it still hangs together, sort of.

Sister Bertrille,

will you say the grace tonight, please?

Yes, Reverend Mother.

Dear Lord--

[RAINWATER PATTERING]

[GROANS]

NARRATOR: We have a saying at the convent,

anything that can go wrong will.

Continue, please, Sister Bertrille.

Dear Lord...

As you were saying, Sister Bertrille.

Dear Lord...

[YELLS]

Oh, Lord.

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[RAIN PATTERING]

NARRATOR: Altogether, it's a miracle

the convent hasn't collapsed on our heads.

But it turned out even more powerful miracles

were in store for us.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

What's that?

Sounds like our old station wagon.

[CHUCKLES] Maybe somebody's stealing it.

Oh. [ALL LAUGH]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Sister Angela. SISTER ANGELA: Mm.

Would you please go and see who's at the door?

Look at that old heap. [CHUCKLES]

Yes, he's very vulnerable.

That's venerable. Oh.

It broke down, so it's also vulnerable.

Whatever that means.

I am sorry to intrude, Sisters, but my car broke down.

If I could use your phone, please?

Of course, but I'm afraid it's much too late

to get a mechanic, señor...

Baldazon. Alonzo Baldazon.

Señor Baldazon.

I am Reverend Mother Placido.

Oh. Very nice.

[CHUCKLES] Nice to meet you.

Welcome. Hello.

Would you care to have something to eat?

Well, I don't like to make trouble.

Oh, please do. We have lots of food.

That is if you dig crispy crunchy roast beef.

[CHUCKLES]

This is good. Mm.

Are you from San Juan, señor?

Oh, I'm from everywhere.

San Juan, Rio, Paris, Greece.

Oh, regular ball runner.

I beg your pardon. I think she means globe-trotter.

BALDAZON: Oh, yeah.

And what is your profession, Señor Baldazon?

Well, I do a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

This is so good.

I mean, look at him eat.

He's practically biting the plate.

I bet it tastes better than the beef. Heh.

Now I'm full. Heh.

[JACQUELINE LAUGHS]

But...

[SIGHS]

I still have to figure out what to do with the car.

Señor Baldazon.

It is still raining very hard out now.

Why don't you stay here for the night?

You are very kind. Please stay.

Tomorrow we'll get someone to fix your car.

I accept your kind suggestion.

But I insist on making a contribution to the convent.

Oh, Señor Baldazon, that is not necessary.

Oh, it is also not possible.

As usual, I'm without cash.

But I will send a check tomorrow, huh?

Great.

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

I'm coming.

Oh. I brought you

some bicarbonate and cookies.

Oh.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you. Thank you. Gracias.

[CHUCKLES]

Bicarbonate.

[LAUGHING]

Well, good night, Sister.

Good night. Um...

Señor Baldazon, you said you did a little bit of this

and a little bit of that.

Would that include gardening or carpentry?

Whatever the occasion requires.

Well, I don't know how to say this,

but what with the rains and all,

we could use help in both departments.

Are you offering me a job, Sister?

It's the Reverend Mother's idea. She thought

perhaps you'd like to rest after your traveling.

To do odd jobs?

It's a very interesting proposition.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGS] Hello?

ALONZO: Hello, Maurice. Señor Baldazon, where are you?

I could not find you at the antique car rally.

No, no, no. My antique turned into junk.

I am at the Convent of San Tanco.

I will send a chauffeur at once. No, no, Maurice.

I have decided to stay here for a while.

At a convent?

Except for the leaky roof

and bad food,

it's a very pleasant place.

And full of opportunities.

Would you believe it?

They have offered me a job. You, señor?

You think that I'm unemployable?

No, no, no. I did not mean that.

I hope not.

Maurice, in any case,

you are talking to the new handyman.

Señor, you are joking.

Heh. Oh, not at all, Maurice.

I foresee a brilliant career ahead.

But you are needed here, señor.

I just hung up on London.

Uniworld Chemicals is waiting for you

to marry them to Salvaron Industries.

They can continue to hold hands for a while.

And Carlos Ramirez called from the casino.

He expects you at a midnight supper party.

Tell him I left suddenly.

For Canada, to inspect some timberlands.

In fact, say that to anyone who wants to reach me.

Señor, uh, this is most irregular.

And delightful, Maurice.

What a refreshing experience to find myself among people

who want nothing of me.

If you say so, señor.

Take my word for it, Maurice.

It is better to receive than to give.

And remember, I'm in Canada.

[♪♪♪]

[HUMMING] Good morning, Alonzo.

Good morning, Alonzo.

Oh, excuse me, Sister. I didn't hear you.

Yes. Well, I made a list of all the things

that need to be fixed.

Oh.

That's quite an impressive document.

[CHUCKLES]Sorry.

I guess it isn't only Satan

who finds work for idle hands.

Well, don't worry.

I will fix everything.

If I live that long.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Good luck to you. Thank you very much.

[LAUGHING]

[HUMMING]

Oh, I see you are at work already.

Oh, yes. I enjoy gardening very much. Smell it.

Oh. People say I have a green thumb.

[CHUCKLES] Really?

Uh-huh. Which one?

Oh, it's just an expression. Ah. Si.

What is called a finger of speech.

Oh, no, no, no, figure.

Oh. Si.

But you said you had a green thumb.

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLES]

[HUMS] BERTRILLE: Help, Alonzo!

Hold on, Sister. Try not to fall.

Quick, the ladder.

Oh, okay.

Hold on, Sister.

It always does that. If you could sort of hold it

while I fix this light. You can also use a new ladder.

We could use a new convent. Oh.

SISTER: Come, Alonzo. Time for lunch.

Uh, go ahead. I'm almost through.

I'll be along in a minute.

Okay. Okay.

[GRUNTS]

Ooh.

What's for lunch?

Oh.

Sorry I asked.

It's the stove again. It had a cookout.

No, you mean it had a conk out.

Both. The conk out brought the cook

out of the kitchen. I think maybe I can fix it.

Oh, thank you. Great.

I know.

Well, what do you think?

I think you better administer the last rites.

CARLOS: Hello. Where is everybody?

Oh. We are in the kitchen, Carlos.

I better go outside and check on the connection.

Oh, hello.

Hello, Sister Bertrille.

Hello, Carlos. Good to see you.

You're just in time not to have lunch.

Well, that invitation I accept.

Well, I just came to say hello.

I'm gonna talk to the Reverend Mother.

While there, might as well ask her

if she'd like to declare a day of fasting.

Okay. Bye.

It is hopeless. The stove has given up the ghost.

How can we cook for the children?

Where in heavens can we find a new stove?

[♪♪♪]

Okay. Get going. All right.

REVEREND MOTHER: Got it.

Careful now. Ooh. Ooh. There you go.

[GASPS]

Aah!

[ALL GASP] It's a stove.

A new stove.

But whoever did it come from?

From heaven.

It's a miracle.

Sister Ana, that is not a word

we use lightly around here.

But it is a miracle.

I myself heard Sister Bertrille

ask heaven for a new stove.

Well, I just mentioned it in passing.

ANA: Listen to her. She's so modest.

So humbug.

Oh, I think you mean "so humble," Sister.

Whatever I mean she is, then I'm glad.

In any case, this so-called miracle

left a note.

You see? It's from whoever gave us the stove.

REVEREND MOTHER: How very strange.

Listen to this.

"Dear Reverend Mother,

many years ago, you sheltered

this poor orphan boy in the convent.

I promised myself when I grew up I would repay your kindness."

Oh, heaven bless him.

"In time, I became a man

and I started an automobile dealership

determined to share my prosperity

with the convent."

SIXTO: Heaven bless him.

Alas, it went bankrupt.

"Still, vowing to help the convent,

I opened a restaurant."

Aah! Heaven bless him.

Apparently, it didn't. "It was a disaster.

Now I am in the appliance business."

I didn't say nothing.

"It is doing very badly.

But I send you this stove as a token of my gratitude."

Now you can say it, Sister Sixto.

Heaven bless him. Heh.

JACQUELINE: Who's it from?

I can't read the signature. But whoever it's from,

heaven blessed us.

We have a new stove.

Thanks to you, Sister Bertrille.

It's a miracle.

Oh, it was just a happy coincidence.

I think.

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NARRATOR: And so, miracle or not, the convent had a new stove.

We were still marveling about it three days later

when our water heater suddenly went whoosh.

Now, this wasn't one of your fixable whooshes.

It was like a second flood in the cellar.

Obviously, we needed another miracle, and fast.

And would you believe it?

Next day, a truck drove into the courtyard.

All right, amigos, bring it down.

Bring it down.

Andale pronto.

Now, careful, careful.

Easy. Come on now.

Come on. Come on.

Stupidos. I said bring, not bounce.

Señor, what are you doing?

Delivering-- Oh, heh, delivering this water heater

to the convent San Tanco.

Oh, but we didn't order a water heater.

Sister Bertrille, you did it again.

No, I didn't.

I'm afraid you have the wrong place, señor.

Rodriguez making mistake?

Heh, never.

See? Here on my order pad.

One water heater deliver to--

[CHUCKLING]

A thousand pardons, Sisters.

Oh, well, for what?

Well, you see, that goes to the Villa San Tanco.

You see?

Forgive me, good Sisters.

All right, amigos, back up on the truck.

Andale pronto. Mucho-- Ay,no, no, no.

Wait, wait. JACQUELINE: What now?

Eh, these clumsy stupidos

have damaged the water heater. See?

I just see a few knickknacks.

Nick, Sister.

Señor Valdez of the Villa San Tanco,

he would fling this heater right back in my face.

But why? Oh.

He's the most finicky man in all of Puerto Rico.

Once he refused a refund because his name was misspelled.

Can't you sell it to somebody else?

Rodriguez sell damaged merchandise?

Never.

No, Sisters.

I'm afraid I am stuck with it.

Oh, I'm sorry, señor.

Unless, perhaps you know of someone who would accept,

free of charge, of course, this poor battered water heater.

JACQUELINE: You wanna give this away?

RODRIGUEZ: I have no choice, Sister.

Well, as it happens,

well, we might be able to find a place for it.

It is yours. Bless you, Sister.

I will help carry it.

Gracias,amigo.

Sister Sixto... Hmm?

...are you thinking what I am? Si.

Now, cut that out. I had nothing to do with this.

But the busted heater crossed your mind.

Well, all I did was wish we had a new one.

That was enough.

It is another miracle.

[♪♪♪]

Excuse me, Sister Bertrille.

We thought when you had time you wouldn't mind

looking this over. What is it?

Sister Sixto and I have made a list

of things the convent badly needs.

Why are you giving them to me? We thought you might like

to take it up with the... Now, let's not start that again.

See, she's still the slinking violet.

That's shrinking.

And I tell you, those miracles

have a perfectly natural explanation.

Yes, Sister.

What is the explanation?

Well...

We'll leave the list anyway.

No. Now I don't wanna hear another word

about those miracles.

Si,we understand.

When one is blessed with such powers,

it's not something to talk about.

Exactly.

I mean-- Well, if you'll excuse me.

Um, if we had to settle for just one thing,

could it be the wading pool for the children?

Is that thing leaking again?

Alonzo tried to patch it

with a tube of rubber cement.

Now the tube is leaking.

Well, heh, I do wish we had a new pool.

[CHUCKLES] Now you're talking.

I just wished. I mean, who doesn't wish

we had a new pool?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Hello.

Is this San Tanco ? Yes, it is.

Oh, this is radio station WXXR is San Juan.

Congratulations. By answering this phone call,

you have won our monthly bonus lucky number contest.

I have?

Yes. And you have your pick

of the following grand prizes.

A portable cocktail bar,

two glorious weeks in Las Vegas,

a season pass to the Mexico City bullfights,

or a king-sized children's wading pool.

We take the wading pool.

Thank you, Sister Bertrille.

No, I-- Yes.

No-- You are a true miracle worker.

[♪♪♪]

Miracle worker?

BERTRILLE: I never said it.

I should hope not. It never entered my mind.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

The pool is another weird coincidence.

Exactly. Which I had nothing to do with.

Certainly not.Right.

Of course you must admit it is kind of spooky.

Sister Bertrille.

But not miraculous.

I'm sure there's some

perfectly logical explanation for all this.

Right, Sister Jacqueline? Of course there is.

Of course there is.

What is it?

Beats me.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Come in.

Oh. If I could fix the window.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course, Señor Baldazon. Come, come.

Go right ahead. Go right ahead.

Now, let us give this some serious thought.

I say that it is a coincidence.

I'll buy that. And the fact that there are three coincidences

one right after the other is another coincidence.

Right. It doesn't bother me a bit.

It does me.

Me too. Reverend Mother, you don't

believe she's a miracle work-- Of course not,

but somebody up in town likes us.

Crazy about us.

So let us proceed from that premise

and start with the stove.

Who outside the convent knew about our stove problem?

Nobody.

Wait.

The day the stove conked out,

Carlos came through the kitchen

on his way to meet with you, Reverend Mother.

Interesting. He couldn't have known

about the busted heater. Sister Jacqueline,

didn't you stop by Señor Ramirez's office

that day to collect for the used clothing drive?

Well, yes. But I never mentioned a heater.

Ah. Except in passing.

Two down, one to go.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. The day I got

that so-called call from the radio station,

I was in town and I met Carlos,

and I said, "Do you remember that wading pool you have--?"

Sisters, I think we've got our man.

BERTRILLE: Why is Carlos being sneaky?

Hmm. Well, knowing Señor Ramirez,

may I suggest a possible explanation.

Perhaps he was trying to atone for some sin.

Well, he usually doesn't feel he has to atone so hard.

I assure you, Sister, my life is an open book.

More or less. Yes, Carlos.

I'm as pure as the driven snow.

To a certain extent. Of course, Carlos.

Of course I'm only human.

But not so human that I have to give the convent a stove,

a water heater, and a wading pool.

Whatever you say, Carlos.

Then you do believe me. Of course.

And I'll pray for you twice a day.

Oh, no. You object to that?

Not to the prayers.

It's the thought behind them that bothers me.

Okay, good day. Oh, Carlos.

Remember, if you ever wanna talk things over,

I'll be right here.

[♪♪♪]

Revered Mother, good Sisters, there is something

that I must tell you. Yes, señor?

Perhaps if I was a more saintly man

I wouldn't have to speak, but-- Please.

It's about the so-called miracles.

Yes? They were not performed

by Carlos. You see, we were right.

It was Sister Bertrille.

Now cut that out.

No, it was not Sister Bertrille either.

Then who was it?

It was me.

Oh.

As an expression of thanks for your kindness.

Señor Baldazon, how could you possibly have afforded

such expensive presents?

Especially on what we pay you.

That is a good question because from my appearance

you'd think I was a poor soul.

You are poor in worldly things only.

You are good and kind...

And exceedingly rich.

I have been called one of the richest men

in South America.

Oh, well, that's terrific, Alonzo.

Wonderful.

That's just great.

Good Sisters, I have a feeling

that I'm not getting through to you.

Oh, you are, Alonzo. Si,you're the richest handyman

in South America.

Yes. No, not handyma-- Man.

But you came to us as a handyman.

Well, that's very possible.

I mean, they make very good wages nowadays.

You still don't believe me.

Very well, I will prove it to you.

Here is a number, if I may.

This is the number of my yacht

in the harbor. Please ask for Alonzo Baldazon.

Señor, are you certain that you want me to do this?

I insist.

Very well. [CHUCKLES]

[ROTARY DIAL WHIRRING]

Hello?

Is this the yacht

of Señor Alonzo Baldazon? Yes.

The rich South American?

Yes, yes, what do you wish?

Could you tell me where I could reach him, please?

Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible.

He is in Canada on very important business.

I see.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Now, do you see?

What did he say?

Forgive us for doubting you, señor,

and, uh, thank you for all you've done.

[♪♪♪]

You are very welcome.

And now I must say goodbye.

Goodbye? Yes. I'll have to be on my way.

I have told you before, I'm a happy wanderer. Heh.

Goodbye, señor.

God bless you always.

Reverend Mother.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

That's from all of us.

ANA: Goodbye, señor.

SISTERS: Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye, señor. Bless you.

Goodbye.

[CHUCKLES]

So Alonzo was really the miracle worker?

No, the real Alonzo Baldazon is in Canada.

But he is such a sweet man.

Why not let him go on believing what he wants to believe in?

That's not always very easy.

You know, once I had an aunt

who thought she was a tea kettle.

Yes.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

ANA: Sister Bertrille, Sister Bertrille.

Go on, kids. Start without me.

Sister Bertrille, we need you.

What now? The washing machine broke down.

I don't know anything about fixing a washing machine.

We know that, but we thought you could arrange for a new one.

No.

You needn't pray for it.

Just wish a little.

Oh, Lord, I've gotta get away from this.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, do you see what I see?

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

I'll keep your secret if you keep mine.

That's what I call a miracle.

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