05x07 - The House Full of Extremely Lame Horses

[bunniefuu]

- [TELEVISION AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Where's Nancy?

The food's getting cold.

- She's got a date.
- Oh.

A date?

With a boy?

Yes, dear, a date. Potatoes?

Don't try to distract me with potatoes.

[CAROLE] But you love potatoes.

I don't want to talk about potatoes.

- Okay. Carrots?
- [MOISHE LAUGHS]

Carole, our daughter is .

- [CAROLE] Danny...
- No dating till she's married.

Then her husband can
decide when she dates.

[LAUGHS]

I wonder if he's going to

let her go to the dance.

Carole bought her a dress

and she cut the tags.

He's going to have to
let her go to the dance.

Boy, that Nancy is a handful.

Thank God we didn't have a girl.

Ignore Grandma, she's drunk.

[MIDGE] Well, I think it's
plenty of space for a gathering.

[ROSE] I guess if I move the
dining room table out of here,

I could set up a punch
bowl station and...

There's that smell
again. Is it the drapes?

No, I don't think...

Anyhow, I'd really like to be able

to give them dance lessons.

Every girl should know

how to do a proper... [SNIFFS]

Wait. Is it the carpet?

- I already sniffed down there.
- Where is it coming from?

- Follow me.
- What are you doing?

I'm gonna race him down the hall.

- [MOISHE LAUGHS]
- I just want to see

if he can outrun me.

Well, of course he can outrun you.

He's going to give
himself a heart att*ck.

Thank God we didn't have a girl.

They're the worst.

Ignore Grandma, honey.

And Grandpa. Ignore him, too.

[ROSE] It's the piano.

The piano smells like onions?

Just the black keys.

- Shirley?
- [SHIRLEY] Yes?

The black keys on the
piano smell like onions.

- And?
- Why?

It's a used piano. [LAUGHS]

[CAROLE] Danny, honestly,
is this really necessary?

You know he's going to be

on The Gordon Ford Show tomorrow night.

- Danny Stevens? Really?
- Uh-huh.

Oh, my God. I love him.

There's nothing he can't do.

He sings, he dances.

He visits sick children. Constantly.

- Can't stay away from them.
- The sicker the better.

You guys want to come to the
show tomorrow? Watch him live?

- Are you serious?
- We would love that.

How would we get tickets?

Well, lucky for you,

you've got someone on the inside.

How fabulous. Who?

Me. I'm on the inside.

- I don't understand.
- I work on the show.

So, you know someone
who can get us tickets?

Yes. Me.

I can get you tickets.

Because I work on the show.

So I'm there.

I don't know what she's saying.

[ROSE] If I air out that piano,

replace all the artwork,

lose the doilies and the plastic,

add some flowers, some
pillows, paint, maybe...

- Shirley, I'll think about it.
- Think about what?

Oh, she wants a place to throw a party

for those sad, lonely women
who pay her for a husband.

May I just say, thank
God we didn't have a girl.

We sure dodged a b*llet there, boy.

- Ignore Grandma, sweetie.
- Grandpa, too.

- [DANNY] Nancy.
- [NANCY] I know, Daddy.

Let's just make that a
blanket rule, shall we?

[SHIRLEY LAUGHS]

[ROSE] Thank you again.

[SHIRLEY] You're welcome.

Miriam, have whoever's getting
us the tickets give us a call.

I'm getting you the tickets.

- So, they'll call?
- Yes, they'll call.

We're so excit...

[MIDGE SIGHS]

So, what's the verdict?

Well, the bathrooms
work, and there's a roof.

You can always just
have it at our apartment.

Too small. I hired a dance instructor.

- Where will he instruct?
- Then you'll have to rent a hall.

- With what money, Miriam?
- So, skip the dance instructor?

You know absolutely nothing about love.

[♪ FRANCIS LAI: "THEME FROM LOVE STORY"]

[MAN] Cue the fan.

Close your eyes.

Picture "love."

Do you see a handsome, academic husband?

Children? A modern
apartment with skyline views?

Or do you see a successful orthodontist,

children, and a two-story
colonial somewhere suburban?

Perhaps it's a strapping,
strong, high-end contractor,

children, in a renovated farmhouse

that makes your heart skip a b*at.

Whatever "love" looks like to you,

I can help you find it.

Here at Rose Weissman's
"One Plus One Equals Love"

- romance emporium...
- [CREWMAN CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY]

... we cater to your every

romantic...

Every romantic...

Every... I don't know what you're doing.

Cut.

[ROSE] I'm sorry, but
he's flapping his arms

like he's flying south for the winter.

What?

So, Rose, you look wonderful.

- Thank you.
- Now, Kurt here

was just trying to
tell you to keep moving.

Remember? You got to keep moving

until you hit this mark, here. You see?

Yes, but it just feels so awkward,

and there are so many stairs.

Well, you look wonderful.

Can't I just do it from up there?

That's not where your end light is.

Well, maybe if I didn't have to...

You do. But you really look wonderful.

No.

Miriam?

Coming.

Hi. What's up? It's going great.

- It is?
- Yes.

There's a considerable amount

of groaning from the crew.

- That seems bad.
- Nope.

takes is completely the norm.

[ROSE] This is ridiculous.
I need to lie down.

[MIDGE] Mama, you wanted this,

remember? You wanted to
take the business regionally.

You wanted to sh**t a commercial.

Hey, everyone. We're doing
great here. Almost ready.

I am not an on-camera person.

Sure you are. Right, Eddie?

She looks wonderful.

He's very good.

I don't understand why we can't get

someone else to play me.

- Like who?
- Doris Day.

Doris Day doesn't
scream "Rose Weissman."

You do it.

Your face still has
traces of my face in it,

so it's almost the same face.

That's a weird way of saying
"you've had work done."

I'm ruining it.

This whole thing that
you've put together,

I'm ruining it and making
a complete fool of myself

- in the process.
- I'll tell you what.

Forget about the walking.

You stand here, in your light.

I'll stand there, next to the camera,

and you can just talk to me.

Stand there and tell me all about love

and how to get a husband.

Okay, let's roll.

[MAN] Quiet on set, please.

- Mama...
- [CREW MEMBER SHUSHING]

... you really do look wonderful.

[MAN ] "One Plus One
Equals Love," take . Mark.

[♪ FRANCIS LAI: "THEME FROM LOVE STORY"]

Close your eyes and picture love...

[ROSE] Miriam?

- Miriam?
- [CLICKING]

[MIDGE] What?

The stove won't light again.

[MIDGE] Did you turn it on?

Of course I turned it on.

[MIDGE] Sometimes you don't turn it on.

One time, I didn't turn it on. One time.

- Stand still.
- [ROSE] What?

Not you.

[ROSE] Miriam, why am I standing still?

- Not you. Esther.
- Ah...

Hold still.

[MIDGE] Papa, get Ethan ready to go.

I'm busy with his piano lesson.

[MIDGE] He needs to
get ready for school.

- [ROSE] I can't make tea.
- [MIDGE] Stop it, Esther.

- [ESTHER] Ow. Mama, stop.
- This is a good time

to learn how to tune out

everything in your life but the music.

- Ow!
- Stand still.

I need some tea!

Have you ever seen Vladimir Horowitz

hold a toy in one hand

while playing Rachmaninoff
with the other?

I'll answer for you. You have not.

- Papa?
- Abe!

I don't like this.

Well, right now, no one is enjoying it.

I need help with the stove.

I need help with her hair.

I'm busy with the boy.

Okay, stop. [SIGHS]

I will play the piece for you again.

Really listen, huh?

This is what you are aspiring to.

[♪ MOZART: "SONATA K. "]

See how nice it sounds without the car?

Oh, thank God, Zelda.

- [CLICKING]
- This morning's been a nightmare.

- The pilot's out.
- What?

Miriam, the pilot's out.
Abe, the pilot's out.

It's fine. Easy to fix.

Miriam, it's easy to fix.

Abe, Zelda's here. She
says it's easy to fix.

- What?
- [ROSE] Zelda's gonna fix the stove.

Well, what's wrong with the stove?

The pilot light is out, Mr. Weissman.

[ABE] Zelda?

What are you doing here?

She's fixing the stove.

Oh. Okay.

So, like I showed you last time,

all you have to do
is light a match, see?

Then you hold it here,

turn the knob, and then it's lit.

My goodness. So complicated.

Not complicated at all.

I showed you before many, many times.

- Did you look in the book?
- The book?

The book I made you, remember?

All labeled, and there's pictures.

See, right here under "No
flame in stove for tea"

is "How to fix no
flame in stove for tea."

Very easy. A picture of
teacup and everything.

Yes, well, luckily it's working now.

Maybe you could try for next time?

Oh, please, if I did that, I'd
blow the entire building up.

[MIDGE] Did she fix it yet?

[ROSE] She did. She's a genius.

sh**t, I wanted to see
her do it. For next time.

It's all in the book I made you.

- [MIDGE] Where'd that come from?
- I have no idea.

It comes from me. I made the book.

Oh, look, it has pictures. Fun.

I am double-parked, Zelda.

Oh, do you want some tea, Janusz?

- We have flame.
- No, thank you.

- You want to come in, Janusz?
- No. I am fine here.

[BOTH SPEAKING POLISH]
Just come in and sit.

I do not want to come in and sit.

This will just take a minute.

You say that and then we
spend the whole day here.

Oh, my god, you have to light a match?

If I did this, I'd blow
the entire building up.

You would not blow
the entire building up.

She might blow the entire building up.

Then let her.

Janusz.

You want some tea, Miriam?

No, I can't be late for work today.

Danny Stevens is on the show tonight,

and Gordon warned us to be
on time and bring our A game,

and I have to stop by Ethan's school

- for this parent thing first.
- Hi, Zelda.

- Can you fix this?
- Of course I can.

- Zelda.
- What?

You have to stop helping these people!

- You don't work here anymore.
- It's a little girl's hair.

They didn't know there
was a higher shelf

in the linen closet.

- [KETTLE WHISTLES]
- They forgot how to stack wood in a fireplace.

A bird flew in and
they could not think...

... to just open a window to let it out.

They are grown people.

They have to learn to
take care of themselves.

They can't!

Zelda...

Back in the old country...

... when a horse is lame, it
is useless, so you sh**t it.

This is an entire house full
of extremely lame horses!

- [TELEPHONE RINGS]
- Zelda, could you get that?

No.

Do not answer the phone!

[RINGS]

Mrs. Weissman, excuse me,

but I feel very confident

that you know how to answer a phone.

Oh. Okay.

[RINGS]

Excuse me, but I know how to play.

[RINGS]

[MIDGE] Oh, that's what
a fireplace flue is.

I've always wondered.

- [ABE] Once more, with feeling.
- Hello?

[MIDGE] We have a fuse box?

What?

Stopper's out, I don't know
why it's not going down.

Something is wrong with the drain.

Don't blame the drain.

The drain was fine when it got here.

I'm not blaming drain.

It's never the fault of the drain.

Well, water is pouring into

the Ronbauer's apartment below us,

and the hallway runner's
officially a goner.

- Here, Zelda.
- Thank you, Miss Miriam.

[MOCKING] Thank you, Miss Miriam.

I really appreciate your help.

It's lucky you were here
when this happened, huh?

Yes, so lucky, like being a leprechaun.

Uh-oh, hold the phone.

Here we go. I found it.

This is definitely not
supposed to be in the drain.

How did that get in there?

It looks like it was hammered in.

Ethan!

What is this?

- My boat.
- [TELEPHONE RINGS]

And what is your boat doing

shoved down the drain of my bathtub?

- It sank.
- [ROSE] Hello?

Ethan, what have I told you

about putting things down drains?

- Nothing.
- [MIDGE] Yes, I have.

When?

I mean...

wasn't there a thing with a marble?

- That was up my nose.
- What about the playing cards

you cut up and did something weird with?

That was a drain, wasn't it?

- No.
- Oh.

Well, I guarantee, in the six years

you've been around, we have discussed

shoving things down
the drain at least once.

Even if it was in the
abstract, theoretical,

"If you ever get the chance to, don't"

sense of the question.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So...

[SIGHS]

[ROSE SIGHS] That was the Mendelson's

on the seventh floor.

It's coming through
their ceiling as well.

- Great.
- You should go apologize in person.

Their son just graduated law school.

I will take care of it.

Remember, my event is Monday,

so this carpet must be replaced by then.

I cannot expose unmarried
women to nude wood floors.

It would feel like a brothel.

And, of course, the
bathroom must be working.

If not, I'd have to
change my plans again.

- Do you understand?
- What time is it?

I need confirmation that you understand.

sh*t. I'm so late. What do I do?

I'm-I'm supposed to
be at Ethan's school.

- Mama, can you go?
- I have a million things to do, Miriam.

Ah...

Papa? You're not busy, right?

Well, I'm due at the Voice in an hour.

So, not busy.

Can you take Ethan to school

and then stick around for the thing?

What's "the thing"?

The thing. Parents come
and stare at the kids.

The teachers point out their seats,

you get a snack,
someone wets their pants.

You're a terrible salesman.

Please? I need to bribe
our neighbors not to unleash

their newly-minted lawyer son on me.

All right, fine. I will go.

But I'm warning you, the first
person to wet their pants,

I'm out of there. Unless
it's a really good snack.

Deal.

You can write to him "Care of
The Gordon Ford Show."

I don't know how long it will take

for him to write you
back. He's very busy.

Well, he does a show every night.

That takes up some time.

Sorry.

My son shoved a toy boat
down the bathtub drain

and it flooded mine and
the two bathrooms below,

and and C, especially,
are not enemies

I can afford to have.

My floors are warped,
my runner's ruined,

my mother's throwing a
matchmaking mixer on Monday

and she's panicked the
runner won't be replaced

and the bathroom won't be working,

and for some reason my in-laws' piano

smells like a bialy.

So, how about the tits
on Ursula Andress, huh?

Sorry, what were you discussing?

The tits on Raquel Welch.

- Anita Ekberg.
- Ann-Margaret.

Danny Stevens.

I mean, not his...

Anyhow, we're talking
Danny's spot tonight.

He's coming on to plug his new book.

Ah, big gold star for you.

Now, as you know, Danny...

- Gave me my first job.
- First job.

- Great guy.
- Great guy.

- In-laws love him.
- Well, he did and he is.

So, I want him set up to succeed.

His writers may be working on material,

but be ready in case it falls to us.

- I have a question.
- Yes, Mel.

How many minutes do
you think it will take

for Adam to give Danny his screenplay?

- [RALPH] Ten?
- [CECIL] I say eight.

- [ALVIN] No longer than four.
- Does anyone know a good tile man?

Midge, we're mocking Adam here.

- Sorry.
- [MEL] One of these days, you're gonna

have to decide, are
you in or are you out?

[LAUGHTER]

[MIKE] Uh, everyone to the railings.

To the railings, people.

Great.

As many of you know,

I am now officially the new producer

- of The Gordon Ford Show.
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

I just wanted to take a moment

to say a few words as
we begin this transition.

Though the departure of George Toledano

was abrupt and upsetting to some of you,

I want to assure you that I am fired up

and ready to assume the mantle.

Being a good leader
requires not just experience,

but empathy, instincts,

a cool head. And...

Gordon.

Hello.

Hey, Mike. You look great up there.

New suit?

Ah...

just the coat.

Oh. Please, continue.

Oh, no. I'm-I'm done.

[GORDON] What? No. You
called us to the railings.

We're at the railings.

Last thing I heard was, um, "cool head."

[LAUGHTER]

Well, I...

just wanted you to know I'm ready,

and I'm, uh...

I'm here for anyone who

needs...

something.

[LAUGHS WEAKLY]

Uh, my office used to be down there,

but now it's up here.

It's actually still a
little bit down there, too,

since there was no place up here

to put the guest board.

So, if you need to look at
the board, it's down there,

but if you-you need me,

I'm up here. Or down there, sometimes.

When I need to look at the board.

So...

Thanks.

Oh, wait, official new producer,

I have a question.

Any plans to add more
ashtrays to the lobby?

- [CROWD LAUGHS]
- Not that I'm aware of.

Aw, too bad.

- I think we could use two more.
- [LAUGHTER]

I can find out where they sell them.

I saw a kid

lick the elevator button this morning.

[LAUGHTER]

I'll tell maintenance.

I have this receipt

from dinner last night.
Do I give that to you?

Okay, I'm leaving now.

[GORDON] Wait, official new producer,

can we leave, too?

Yes.

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

- Boy.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[MAN] First day on the job.

[WHISTLES]

[♪ BARBRA STREISAND: "WHO'S
AFRAID OF THE BIG BAD WOLF"]

♪ Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? ♪

♪ The big bad wolf, the big bad wolf ♪

♪ Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? ♪

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la... ♪

We have the finest school
library in New York.

We're very proud of that.

This year, a very esteemed alumnus

bequeathed us his entire
collection of first editions.

Yes?

This is a delicious snack.

I'm glad you like it.

Crunchy and creamy and nutty.

Just a terrific combination.

Do the children get the same snack?

They do.

This is a very good school.

Okay, I want to show you all something

we're very proud of here.

This is what we call
our "Free To Be" time.

A portion of each day is set aside

for the students to
devote to one subject

they particularly excel in.

This is our engineering group.

They are building a model of a hotel

that caters exclusively to pets.

Every room has a patio
and built-in water dishes.

Here's our math group.

They have one minute to solve a problem.

The one who solves the
most equations wins a prize.

And, go!

[MRS. MOYERS] Our reading
group reads a book a week,

then they write a play dramatizing it,

and perform it at lunch
in the teachers' lounge.

The astronomy group is over there.

They're selling candy bars
to buy a new telescope.

I've put on ten pounds,
all in the name of science.

Now, over here we have
our language group.

They are currently reading
Madeline in French.

Mrs. Moyers?

Yes, Mr. Weissman?

What is that group over there?

Oh, that's the happy group.

- I'm sorry, what?
- The happy group.

But what do they excel in?

They excel in being happy.

I don't understand.

They build a hotel,

they're buying telescopes,

they're basically a fully-functioning

summer stock company, and that table,

the one my grandson is at,

- is just...
- Happy.

They're just walking in a circle.

Yes.

- Why?
- It makes them happy.

Oh, Mrs. Foster,

this is Mr. Weissman.

Ethan is his grandson.

Ethan's one of the
happiest kids we've got.

Ethan has a wand. Is he the leader?

There are no leaders.

A hierarchy wouldn't make them happy.

Who decided these groups?

The children take an aptitude test

at the beginning of each year.

The test determines their strengths,

and that determines their groups.

I'm sorry, there's been a mix-up.

- A clerical error.
- There's no reason to be upset.

He's walking in a circle. That's it.

Mr. Weissman, Ethan is a
sweet, healthy young man

who also happens to be happy.

So, so happy.

Maybe the happiest child
in the whole school.

Maybe the happiest child we've ever had.

In all my years of teaching,

I have never met a child

quite as happy as Ethan.

I insist he be tested again.

Well, next year.

No, not next year. Now.

- Mr. Weissman...
- I was a tenured professor

at Columbia University.

I worked at Bell Labs.

I have patents pending.

That is my grandson. He's a Weissman.

There is no possible way he's happy.

[MEN LAUGHING]

[DANNY] The whole network is there.

The cast, the crew, Philip and Morris,

staring right at us.

I say the line. Big laughs.

Suddenly, a pisher from
the end of the table

pipes up and says, "It's l'chaim,

not la-chaim, Mr. Stevens."

First job. First job, okay?

So, I look over at this altar boy

sitting there in his father's suit...

It was my father's suit.

... and I thought, "The kid's
got balls. He reminds me of me."

So, I fired him.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, hello.

- [ALVIN] Ah, Midge.
- Sorry, just had to fix my face.

Danny, may I present
our resident lady writer,

Midge Maisel.

Hi. I'm a big fan.

I'm in your seat, aren't I?

Well, technically,
they're all owned by NBC.

Nope, I know the rules.

Taking an established
seat in a writers' room

is like correcting a man's Hebrew

when you're from Nebraska.

- Wisconsin.
- There's room here, Mr. Stevens.

I'm fine. I actually
came in to ask a favor.

Anything you want, Mr. Stevens.

I wish you could see yourself right now.

[DANNY] Tonight, I appear on your show.

No one's surprised? Good.
You're professionals.

Now, normally

I'm plugging a gig, I'm in Vegas,

there's a new season of my TV show,

but this time, I wrote a book.

- Ah.
- That's the book.

I am an author.

Like Dickens, if he
grew up in Bensonhurst.

- [LAUGHTER]
- A Tale of Two Cities sold

over a hundred million copies,

so I got to sell a hundred and one.

I must k*ll.

With that in mind,

I am going to read to
you the jokes handed to me

by my team of professional
comedy writers this morning.

I'd like your opinion.

We are here for you, Danny. Right, boys?

- [ALVIN] Midge?
- Hell no.

Bastard tried to steal my seat.

Funny.

Uh, "Kennedy just
established the Peace Corps.

Now boring kids can be popular, too."

Next.

"Barbie gets a boyfriend. Ken.

I don't think it's gonna
last. He seems a little fake."

You still with me?

"The Apartment

won the Academy Award for best picture.

Next year, The Sublet."

- [WRITERS GROAN]
- Okay, so, in your unbiased opinion,

do you think my writers hate me?

We can come up with new jokes.

You know, every time
you make an appearance

on a talk show, you do jokes.

I'm a comedian. If I came on

and pulled Gordon's wisdom
tooth, it'd be weird.

- [WRITERS LAUGH]
- Yes, but,

now you want people to
read a book about your life.

Why not talk about your
life? Talk about your parents.

Sure. Where's the funny?

It's interesting. It's real.

If it's interesting and
real, you can find the funny.

Oh, great. Homework. Thanks.

Excuse me, Danny?
Gordon's ready for you.

Thank you, sweetheart.
Kids, find me some jokes.

Open your notebooks, check
under the couch cushions,

channel your drunk uncle Marvin.

Get me those laughs.

Take me to your leader.

No.

[MRS. MOYERS] It's very
unusual that a student

actually does worse the second time.

Across the board on the
math, English, science, logic.

But he did spell his
name correctly this time,

which is a big improvement
over the last test,

so that's exciting.

I just don't understand.

We threw this new test
at him out of the blue,

he probably panicked.

Plus, we took his wand away.

That couldn't have helped.

But he's a Weissman.

It's just one test. It
doesn't mean anything.

Except he's not good in math,
science, English, or logic.

Or days of the week.

[SIGHS] I feel like I'm
in an alternate universe.

Like I'm in The Twilight Zone

without Rod Serling here to guide me.

Look, Mr. Weissman,

unfortunately, taking
this test again now,

so soon after he took the first one,

will mean this score will replace

his old one on his record.

Grandpa, glitter sticks to your face.

But rest assured,

he hasn't lost his
spot in the happy group.

- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

[SHIRLEY] Miriam.

- Hey, you made it.
- Yes, well, we were late.

[MOISHE] We wanted to make
sure there were actual tickets

before we parked the
car, so I dropped her off.

So I was supposed to
come out and wave to him

if I had the tickets, and he would park.

But it was raining.

So, I go out, if I didn't
see him, I'd go back in.

Meanwhile, I drive by, I didn't see her,

so I drove around the block.

We kept missing each other.

She goes out, I'm not there.

she goes in, I drive by,

she's not there, once
more around the block.

Two hours, we did this.

Finally, I gave up and parked.

Thank God the tickets
were waiting for us

right where you said they'd be.

- I told you.
- Oh, listen, could you point out

the person that got them for
us? We want to thank them.

Hey, show's starting, Shirley.

Wait, here, wait.

I made Danny a sandwich.

Give it to him.

[MAN] And we're back in five,

four, three...

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

And we're back, folks.

Our first guest is the star

of the very popular The
Danny Stevens Show.

He's a nightclub performer,

an award-winning producer,

but the title he thinks
describes him the best

is "America's sweetheart."

Ladies and gentleman, Danny Stevens.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

- Hey, there he is.
- I left out dancing.

- You did.
- I always leave out the dancing.

Ah.

Danny, Danny, Danny.

[AS CARY GRANT] Gordy, Gordy, Gordy.

[LAUGHTER]

- It's great to have you here.
- It's great to be back.

I love what you've done with the place.

I've done absolutely
nothing with the place.

Well, it works.

"Absolutely nothing" works for you.

[GORDON] You know, I caught your show

at the Copa last month. It was great.

- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
- Thank you.

And your show's still going strong,

and now I hear

you've written a book.

I have.

Got to get that book.
I got to get that book.

How was it, writing a book?

Well, it was very quiet, peaceful.

Uh, you don't need
pants, so that's a plus.

Just like you. You don't wear pants.

But it's different writing
about your real life.

You have to remember
things. Names, dates.

Then you have to change
the names and dates

so you don't get sued.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Wow. Are these your parents?

- Yes, that is Mitta and Joseph.
- [AUDIENCE] Aw...

And that's after their number came in.

[LAUGHTER]

But, see, my parents were immigrants.

Tough. Very tough people.

They had to be, because
life gave them nothing.

They didn't have a bed, they had a rock.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- They had to flee their village

when men in boots on
horses rode in saying,

"Hey, what's flammable here?"

- [LAUGHTER]
- [GORDON] That's terrible.

[DANNY] They strapped everything
they owned onto their backs

and took off through forests and rivers,

over mountains, all on foot.

Snowstorms, bear att*cks.

I can't imagine it.

If there's a line at Barney Greengrass,

I have a nervous breakdown.

[GORDON] Well, if they run
out of that good sturgeon...

[DANNY] Exactly. Finally, my parents

get to Ellis Island where they were

immediately quarantined for two months.

Why?

They were sick.

They had everything.

Typhoid, pneumonia, malaria.

They were so sick, the immigration agent

changed their name to...
[COUGHS DRAMATICALLY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I can't go by that
name in show business.

Too Jewish.

[LAUGHTER]

Finally get out,

move to a tenement on Delancey,

- and proceed to have nine children.
- [GORDON] Ooh.

Because, as my mother said,

[WITH ACCENT] "Even if you
can't afford the movies,

Saturday night is still going to happen.

You got to do something."

[GORDON] Interesting philosophy.

[DANNY] She was an interesting woman.

Not a lot of hugs, but a survivor.

She worked every day of her life.

When I was in sixth grade,

she got a job driving a laundry truck.

One day, she was coming home,

my father was crossing the street,

he tripped, fell, and
she ran right over him.

- [AUDIENCE GASPS]
- Oh, my God. Was he okay?

Oh, sure.

I mean, he was dead,
but other than that...

- [LAUGHING]
- Is that funny?

That is the worst story I've ever heard.

Two of her kids d*ed,
two others in jail.

What family she had left
was wiped out by the Nazis.

Yet, through all of that,

all the trials and tribulations,

the only time I ever saw my mother cry

was the day I told her I
was going to be a comedian.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS]

[♪ ELLA FITZGERALD: "LET'S
TAKE A WALK AROUND THE BLOCK"]

♪ Someday we'll go places you... ♪

The cigarette machine is broken again.

It ate my money, so I cried,

and they opened it up,
and I took everything.

- Remind me to bring you to the bank sometime.
- Ah.

[DANNY] There she is. Wonder Woman.

- Is he talking about me?
- I certainly hope so.

[DANNY] Midge, get over here.

Okay, but if this is
about someone stealing

all of Toots' cigarettes,
I know nothing about that.

You should ask Mel.

[MEL] Hey, I heard that.

You sit right here next to me.

- You have to move, Alvin.
- Sorry.

She's not going to sit on your lap.

I'm moving. I've moved.

[MIDGE] Sorry, Alvin.

- [DANNY] Just find a spot, Alvin.
- [ALVIN] Yup.

- [DANNY] Any spot.
- [ALVIN] Okay.

[DANNY] A wall, a post,

- a sturdy waitress.
- I'm out of the way.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Good? Good. I am buying you a drink.

Oh, I have a drink.

That is not a proper drink.

She will have whatever
Shirley Temple drank

right after Judy Garland
got The Wizard of Oz.

[LAUGHS]

Tonight was a triumph.

It went very well.

You, you did this.

- No, you did this.
- Did what?

Gordon, this woman here
is like a brave explorer,

daring to find what no
one has found before.

A bit that works.

I think you're exaggerating.

You're Amerigo Vespucci,
Sir Walter Raleigh,

Amelia Earhart... if she'd made it.

[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry, how do you
two know each other?

We met in the writers' room.

Writers' room? My writers' room?

I went in there a broken man

and came out a king.

You were in the writers' room?

She said, "Tell your family's story."

When were you in the writers' room?

She told me if it's interesting,
you'll find the funny.

They barely let me in the writers' room.

Just doing my job.

[DANNY] Yes, your job.

Well, cheers.

Cheers.

Listen, I'd like to
throw something out there,

just a thought.

I have a couple of new
projects in the works

that I am producing, and I
think you would be perfect.

- For what?
- Do you know Loretta Young?

Only from temple.

[CHUCKLES] I'm developing
a situation comedy for her.

Is Loretta Young funny?

With the right material,

she will be. Gene Tierney
also wants to do TV.

You know Gene Tierney?

- Sure I do.
- These are big stars.

They do a show, people will watch.

I was wondering...

if you would like to come work for me.

- [BOTH] What?
- You can pick your job.

Whatever show you want, you choose.

Oh, I am not a script writer.

She's a joke writer.

- Very different.
- Night and day.

If it's interesting,
you can find the funny.

Who said that?

I was talking about you.

No, you were talking
about story. Character.

That is script writing.
Also, you're a woman.

These are shows starring women.

Who better to write for them?

Danny, what are you doing?

I'm offering her a job.

She already has a job.

And now she has a better one.

This is a good job. She
makes good money here.

She'll make better money with me.

Oh, really? How do you know?

Because I'll ask her
how much she makes here,

and then I'll give her more.

You're poaching my
writers from me? Seriously?

Only this one. You can keep the rest.

- Sorry, Alvin.
- No problem.

No, no, no, no. No, no. I found her.

So, what, finders keepers?

- Okay, boys...
- This town is filled with great writers.

Why are you doing this?

This isn't personal, Gordon.

It's not? You put your drinks on my tab.

Well, fine, I'll pay for my drinks.

Look, there are rules.

[DANNY] What rules?

Just... rules of society.

Oh, please, f*ck that. I
see talent, I go after it.

Talent? [SCOFFS]

I don't think it's her talent you want.

- Gordon.
- What does that mean?

Oh, you know what that means.

I'm married, schmucko.

And I don't care who the
f*ck's writing for her,

Loretta Young is not now
and never will be funny,

and only an idiot would think so.

Should we compare bank accounts?

That's it. Get up.

Are you kidding me? I
was a boxer in the Army.

You were a boxer in a
movie about the Army.

At least I'm from Brooklyn.

You're Canadian.

We moved there when I was five.

Hey, guys. People are watching.

Hey, what's going on here?

Gordon, you starting sh*t again?

I'll throw you right out of here.

Do it, Toots.

Last time, you threw
your back out for a month.

That was a pre-existing
condition, you son of a bitch.

- [CROWD EXCLAIMS]
- [GORDON] All right.

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [BELLS TOLLING]

[ABE] It's back here somewhere.

Wait.

Ah! Got it.

You can't be too careful.

Herman from Icelandic studies

can sniff out a good brandy a mile away.

Here we go.

We toast to your wedding

and to your wife.

- To Miriam.
- To Miriam.

Mmm.

Now, Joel,

I asked you to meet me here today

because I have something very
important to discuss with you.

Okay.

My daughter is going to want children.

Yes. Three before .

What?

It's just what she says.

Three before .

Three kids before she's
, so she'll spring back.

I'd like to just go past
that, if you don't mind.

- Fine with me.
- As I was saying,

you will have three children,

and, in all probability,
one will be a boy.

Hey, we'll name him Joel Jr.

You won't.

Now, you need to know

there are certain gifts

that are inevitably passed on

to the first-born male

of each Weissman branch of the family.

Gifts? Like an inheritance?

Weissman boys are born
with immense intellect.

So great it will stagger your mind.

It will happen slowly.

You won't notice it at first,

but then, by the age of six,

it will kick in. Quite suddenly.

- Six.
- You should've seen me when I was five.

Just a slow-witted embarrassment

to my entire family,

and then I turned six.

The rest is history.

Now, this is a record

of every generation

of first-born Weissman men
and their accomplishments.

And prepare yourself. [LAUGHS]

It's a barn-burner.

We've got doctors, lawyers,

scientists, kings,

at least one oboist, five writers,

an archaeologist, one
very creative m*rder*r...

Wait, my first-born won't be a Weissman.

- What?
- He'll be a Maisel.

- I'm a Maisel.
- Doesn't matter.

Miriam's a Weissman.

Her genes will overwhelm your genes.

Your first-born son

is going to be a genius,

and you are going to
have to deal with it.

I promise he will have the
best education possible.

Oh, schools don't matter.

What matters is a total lack of input

from you to the child
before he turns six.

What?

Basically, ignore him till
he addresses you first.

I can't talk to my own kid?

Of course you can.

Once he turns six.

Before that, zip it.

How do I communicate with him?

Miriam can do it.

Or, if it's really important,
you can leave a note.

Abe, this sounds crazy.

Trust me, we did not
get a book like this

by talking to our sons.

- Wait...
- I completely ignored Noah

for five years.

The morning of his sixth birthday,

he picked up a violin,

he was playing Mozart in two weeks.

I've never heard Noah play the violin.

He doesn't need to,

he's already done it. Understand?

- Not at all.
- Good.

So, we have a plan.

Welcome to the family, Joel.

Now, drink up before
Herman sniffs us out.

[CHUCKLES]

[ASTRID] We were going
to start in the fall,

but then I had a dream that a snowman

was trying to s*ab me with his carrot.

[ROSE] Quite a shock.

[MIDGE] Papa, come sit down.

Having another baby.

[ROSE] It's so exciting.

Isn't it?

Trying to have another baby. Trying.

I can't believe bathroom
appliances come in

so many pretty colors now.

Our lives are, once again, nothing but

doctors and daily sh*ts
and dirty magazines.

What about dirty magazines?

[NOAH] Nothing, Mama.

I'm just saying it's
stressful and expensive.

And hopefully a girl.

It will be worth it.

[NOAH] I naively thought, second kid,

surely there's some sort of discount,

like maybe they could reuse
a test tube or something.

You do not want a doctor
that reuses a test tube.

I'm okay with three to five
previously used test tubes.

Astrid, are you hearing this?

No, I haven't heard anything he's said

for the last two months. What
color are you going to get?

I think a pink toilet would be amazing.

- What's wrong with your toilet?
- Nothing.

Well, then, why would
you get a new toilet?

Because I have to get a new bathtub.

- So?
- They won't match.

Does that matter?

Can you pass the lox?

Why didn't you ever mention
Ethan's aptitude test?

His what?

His aptitude test.

They give every child in
his school an aptitude test

at the beginning of the year.

- Oh, how'd he do?
- He failed.

They say he has the potential
for nothing but happiness.

Is that bad?

Ethan is a first-born Weissman male.

A first-born Weissman
male is expected to excel.

They are not expected to be happy.

I'm sorry, just because he's happy

doesn't mean he won't excel.

[ABE] Of course it does.

Not one person who has ever

accomplished anything of worth in life

has ever been happy.

- That can't be true.
- [MOISHE] Name me one

cheerful man of science.

One sunny artist of worth.

One giddy Founding Father.

Benjamin Franklin.
Didn't he get laid a lot?

- Miriam, in front of the baby?
- Yes, he did,

but given all his great accomplishments,

I guarantee you, he didn't enjoy it.

Why are you getting so upset?

Your son

flunked his aptitude test.

I saw the score. He basically

has no aptitude.

It seemed like, half the
time, he was trying to write

with the eraser side of the pencil.

- He's just a little boy.
- A little boy

who marches in a circle all day,

oblivious to what the future holds.

And the only thing his
mother seems to care about

is a ridiculous pink toilet.

What's wrong with a pink toilet?

A toilet is not supposed to be pink.

- [MIDGE] Why not?
- Because a toilet is supposed to be white.

A pink toilet is still a
toilet, except it's fun.

Not everything is supposed to be fun.

Not everything needs to make you smile.

Sometimes you just have

- to use a toilet.
- [DOOR SLAMS]

They call and you come running.

Like a well-trained Spaniel.

Stop it, Janusz.

We should get you a
leash and a chew toy.

Shut it!

That is a linen closet.

The linen closet is where
you keep the tablecloths.

And the sheets, and the pillowcases,

and it's all in the book I made you,

that sits untouched in the kitchen.

Zelda, did you by any chance...

Yes, I brought the baby-making herbs.

- Oh!
- I will now go into the kitchen

and I will cook you your tea
so you can give Chaim a sister.

- Thank you.
- [ZELDA] And once I'm done,

we are going home to
call the phone company

to come take our phone.
We don't want it anymore!

This is why they always
want to k*ll the fancy folks.

I like her new uniform.

- Hello? I'm here.
- [ROSE] Hello, Joel.

Sorry I'm a little late. I
had to wait for a delivery.

What did you do to your son?

What are you talking about?

Have you been talking to him?

[MIDGE] Papa, you're acting crazy.

I assure you, this is not an act.

- Tell me.
- Of course I've been talking to him.

You've seen me talk to him. He's my son.

I told you specifically

the less said to him
before the age of six,

- the better, did I not?
- You were serious?

Of course I was serious.
Why wouldn't I be serious?

Because that's nuts.

I told you about the bloodlines.

- The Weissman gift.
- Abe, that's all bullshit.

There's no magic gift.

Oh, no, Joel, there is
absolutely a Weissman gift.

Did you see the Weissman
first-born male book?

Oh, wait. Was that the book
Zelda was talking about?

Why would Zelda talk about the
Weissman first-born male book?

I don't know, she just keeps
going on and on about a book.

There is nothing wrong with Ethan.

Have you seen his group?

What group?

He is apparently in a
happy group in school.

What's wrong with that?

I can't believe it. He's
ruined the bloodline.

- Oh, no. Really?
- We don't know that.

Well, what's the
explanation, then, Rose?

What explains Ethan's happiness?

Maybe he's a late bloomer.

- Maybe he'll get miserable later.
- Six is the age.

But Pop, I thought there were
a few Weissman first-born males

that didn't kick in until seven.

Remember? That, uh,
really distant cousin

who helped pave the way
for the X-ray machine?

Well, yes, but there were
extenuating circumstances.

You had the Franco-Prussian
w*r going on.

But it kicked in eventually, right?

Well, I hope so.

I was so counting on Chaim being smart.

- He will be, honey.
- But what if he's not?

Oh, God, Noah, what if he's dumb

and we have to spend our
lives pretending he's smart

like the Kirchner's down the street?

The chain has not been broken.

What if our daughter is stupid, too,

and then we have two dummies

just running around the house?

Well, at least they can
be friends with Ethan.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

Can everyone stop talking
about how stupid my kid is?

This is an old wives' tale.

Ethan, get your sister and let's go.

Now, this is the last
time I want to hear anybody

say anything bad about my
son's happiness. Am I clear?

Say, "Goodbye."

Goodbye.

[CLUCKING LIKE A CHICKEN]
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

- Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
- [SOBBING QUIETLY]

Bye, bye, bye, bye.

[♪ COUNT BASIE AND JOE WILLIAMS:
"ALL RIGHT, OKAY, YOU WIN"]

♪ Well, all right, okay... ♪

I love twins.

You are not supposed to
tell us what you have.

- I don't know. I don't know.
- I didn't tell you what I had.

"I love twins" means you have a pair.

No, it means I love two things

that are identical to each other.

Like douchebags and you.

[PETE] Okay, I'm out,
while I can still send

at least one kid to college.

I'm in. It's just money, Pete.

Says the youngest executive
in talk show history.

Not the youngest. One of the youngest.

- Call.
- Call.

And to think when I first met you,

you were George Toledano's bitch.

It said so on my door and everything.

Admit it, I've been
good luck for you, Mike.

You, not so much.

- Stop focusing on me.
- Sorry.

It's just that vampires
with expense accounts

are a real turn-on for me.

- Ten.
- [MIKE] I'll call.

Me, too.

I'm out.

All right, final card, people.

These are some great
sandwiches over here.

- What kind?
- This has bread, meat,

cheese, tomato...

So, basically, a
sandwich. It's a sandwich.

What's the move, Susie?

[MUTTERING]

Ten.

- I'm out.
- Raise you ten.

I raise your raise.

Are you raising my raise

- just to raise my raise?
- [SUSIE] Yes.

That's not how you play. Mike.

What do you think he's going to do?

Fine. Call.

Pair of kings.

Hmm. Pair of threes.

Oh, and another three.

f*ck you.

- [LAUGHS]
- I'm getting a sandwich.

They are delicious.
This one has mustard.

Everybody, take a break.

- Stretch your legs.
- Sounds good to me.

- Walk with me.
- Sure.

[MIKE] I didn't know you
had bad blood with Ken.

No bad blood, just hope
to hora on his grave.

Why?

He's Shy Baldwin's agent.

What do you think of Pete?

He is not Shy Baldwin's agent.

Pete books Jack Paar.

All you talent bookers
hang out together?

- You don't have any friends?
- No.

Listen, Paar wants new voices.

His show's number two, he's hungry.

Pete's putting together a showcase,

top up-and-comers, ten minutes.

Midge is in.

- What?
- I talked to him.

He's really excited to see her.

You talked to him about Midge?

She's the only woman in the showcase.

I got him to give her a late slot.

She's gonna shine.

What's going on?

What? I thought you'd be happy.

Well, what about Gordon's show?

You know the rule...

That was George's rule. George is gone.

It's not just George's
rule. It's also Gordon's.

But you're there now. Get
him to change the rule.

I've been there all of five minutes.

I can't do anything till
he totally trusts me.

How long do you want to wait?

sh*t. We were counting on Gordon.

So count on Paar.

Come on. This is a gift.

Okay.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Hey, guys, I think Ken
is in the bathroom crying.

Seriously, thank you for this.

Of course.

I hope Midge kills.

What? Oh, yeah. Thanks for that, too.

[WOMAN] Pss, pss, pss, pss.

[WOMAN ] Are you sure
that's a good idea?

- I don't think...
- What's in the ceiling now?

We think it's a cat.

- You think?
- Well, it's fast.

And it's got a tail.

Hey, you. Get out here. I want to talk.

Sure. We can talk in here.

Nope. Too much vag. Let's go.

Great. Sit.

I didn't know you were coming tonight.

How long till you go on?

I got a couple minutes.

And I have some very exciting news.

I love very exciting news.

It is not going to
happen with Gordon Ford.

That's exciting news?

- Miriam...
- Woo-hoo, it's my lucky day.

Stop it, that isn't the exciting news.

The exciting news is that

I got you a showcase for Jack Paar.

- A showcase?
- No.

Do not sigh. This is different.

This is invitation only. No cattle call.

It's very selective.

And Paar is going to be there.

This is real, this is big.

Jack Paar.

I talked to the booker, Pete,

after the poker game tonight.

Did you win?

Eh, I left with everything

but their dicks in my pocket.

Anyhow, he told me there's
only comics on the bill,

and you are the only woman.

You get that whole runway to yourself.

Who told you Gordon Ford's dead?

Doesn't matter. This is better.

The whole point of me
taking that writing job

was to get on his show.

Hey, look at me. f*ck Ford.

He's a child. Paar is a legend.

Let Paar break you.

Mm? Gordon'll look like

a f*cking idiot 'cause
he had the next best thing

sitting in his office,

and he was too much of
a dickhead to put her on.

- I guess.
- You go on Paar first,

Gordon's going to be so pissed.

Yeah.

Think of how fun that'll be.

Yeah.

So, how about we shift
our gunboats to Paar?

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Not a cat!

Definitely not a f*cking cat.

[SHOUTING, SCREAMING]

[♪ BLOSSOM DEARIE: "BANG GOES
THE DRUM (AND YOU'RE IN LOVE)"]

♪ Walking down the street ♪

♪ And suddenly you meet ♪

♪ A pair of brown eyes
dancing along... ♪

Why are you getting a raise?

Oh, hi. What?

You're getting a raise.

- Why?
- Am I?

- Yes.
- Says who?

The raise fairy.

Oh. Why?

- That's my question.
- Uh...

- You didn't know?
- I didn't know.

It's a big one, too.

You'll be making as much as the men.

[GASPS] Jiminy Crickets.

- More than one of them.
- Ooh, Ralph?

- Is it Ralph?
- Oh, I'm not telling you that.

Yes, it's Ralph.

Well, this is very serious.

I mean, if this gets out,

every working woman
will want to get paid

just as much as a man
to do the exact same job,

and our entire
civilization will collapse.

Exactly.

Can't help you, Mike.

♪ And the show has begun ♪

Hi. Got a sec?

- No.
- Okay.

I guess I do.

I was just wondering,
why did I get raise?

You know why.

No, I don't.

Danny Stevens tried to poach you,

so I had to bid against him to keep you.

That's how business
works. Congratulations.

You feel very good about it, I see.

I'm fine.

I was banned from Toots Shor again.

Well, you did att*ck him
with his own garnish tray.

[GORDON CLEARS THROAT]

Midge, is there anything
else I can help you with?

Nope.

You know, I don't think
he was hitting on me.

I know when men are hitting on me.

Oh, he was.

You are not a woman.

You are not a man.

No, but I get paid like
one now, apparently.

He's a smooth operator.

You probably didn't pick up on it.

Right.

Probably because it didn't happen.

It happened, okay?

It didn't, but sure. Whatever you say.

Yes, Midge?

I'm going to do a showcase
for Jack Paar tonight.

Got a fancy dress on and everything.

Shaved my whole leg, front and back.

He's going to be there.

Jack Paar.

Twelve comics are performing.

I'm the only girl.

Gives me a little leg
up, hence the shaving.

Got a good spot.

Toward the end.

So...

Want to book me first?

b*at him to the punch?

No? Yes? Maybe?

Okay.

Well...

Going once...

going twice...

You're not supposed to back away

when you're counting down like that.

You stand in front of a person,

you say "once, twice," and then go.

Okay, thanks for the tip.

I'll remember that.

I'm gonna get this.

You'll see.

[DOOR CREAKS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[MAN] Lost in Bermuda.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]

I love being a comedian,

because even though people
are judging me up here,

at least they've been drinking.

[SUSIE SNORES] Jesus,
someone hand me a pillow.

I feel like I've been
watching the same blue suit

complain about blue
balls for three hours.

Because you have.

- Paar's still there, right?
- Yes.

He is loading a g*n to
blow his brains out, though.

Make sure he saves me a b*llet.

Midge Maisel?

There's only one chick on
the bill, one set of tits.

Why is it a question?

You could be Midge
Maisel. You've got tits.

I got to say, it's nice
someone finally noticed.

- I'm Midge.
- You're up next.

Well, here goes nothing. How do I look?

For this crowd? Like the
eighth night of Hanukkah.

- [EMCEE] But coming up next is a good friend of mine...
- Tits up.

- Tits up.
- ... be kind. Mrs. Maisel.

[MIDGE] Hello, hello,
ladies and gentlemen.

Wow. People, really,
did you all get bad news

at the same time?

Is it terminal?

How many puppies got clubbed
to land me this sea of faces?

It's like there are Germans
downstairs or something.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

They live.

Great.

You're very funny.

Thank you.

[LAUGHTER]

You got any arsenic on you?

Oh, sh**t. Other purse.

Just my luck.

Last smoke?

I'm guessing you weren't
happy with your set.

What was not to be happy about?

They coughed, they talked,
they ordered drinks.

It was like Sunday night
bingo without the door prize.

It wasn't that bad.

Yeah.

It wasn't that good, either.

You were, though.

I was okay.

"Okay."

Sure.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I'll see you around, Eugene.

[SUSIE] ... huge, for her and you.

[PETE] Okay, easiest way to put it,

the parts just don't add up, okay?

[SUSIE] What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, I just don't get it.

What do you mean, you don't get it?

I mean, I don't get it. She's
a girl, but she's pretty.

She's got a nice dress
and she does what?

She's f*cking funny.

I don't know what I'm selling.

You are selling a comic.

I just didn't get it.

- Jack was laughing.
- I talked to Jack.

He didn't flag her. Don't
think he got her, either.

Well, the audience sure got her.

Did you hear them?

They lost their sh*t

at every f*cking thing she said.

Yeah, they were a nice crowd.

f*ck "nice." She k*lled.

She blew every guy away tonight.

Destroyed them. You know that.

Let's talk about your other client.

- What other client?
- James Howard.

I hear that kid's hot.

Yeah, James is doing good.

Word is when that movie
comes out, he's a star.

I don't know. Can we get back to Midge?

No on Midge. I want to book James.

- What?
- I'd love to get him

on the show as soon as possible.

I can offer him great placement.

He can do six minutes,
then sit with Jack.

Let's get some excitement
going so when that movie hits...

But you've never seen James work.

You don't even know if he's funny.

I know people are talking about him.

That's what I know.

Yeah, f*ck that, Pete.

Tonight is about Midge.

- But...
- I am not discussing James.

I am discussing the woman
that went up there tonight

and wiped the f*cking
floor with other guys.

I want James.

Well, I'm not gonna...

You should book him.

James is great. I've seen him work.

He'll be good for the show.

Look, Midge...

It's fine. You don't have to get me.

Not everyone's gonna get
me. I don't get me sometimes.

There are mornings when I wake up,

and I'm like, "Who
are you? What are you?

Why are you dressed
like that?" I understand.

- Miriam, let me handle this.
- No, Susie.

Don't hurt James.

Don't do that. I'm good.

Really.

You are a class act, Midge Maisel.

I will give you that.

Well, that's something, right?

Thank you for the
opportunity, Pete. Really.

I hope to be able to say
"I told you so" one day.

Me, too.

Call you tomorrow.

Okay, let's talk dates, huh?

Sure.

[JAMES] Jack f*cking Paar.

- Yep.
- My mother's gonna sh*t.

She gonna sh*t, she gonna pass out,

she gonna wake up and
she gonna sh*t again.

Sounds like it's gonna be a
rough night for your mother.

Oh, man, I can't believe this year.

Seven months ago, I was
working for wings and fries

at that chicken place,
and now I'm in a movie,

and I'm gonna be on Jack Paar.

[LAUGHS]

Don't pinch me. I don't want to wake up.

You are on a roll, that's for sure.

So, what's the date?
When do they want me?

I want to talk to you about that.

Hey, I don't care when it is.

I'll cancel whatever I have going.

Jack want me,

Jack can have me. [CHUCKLES]

I want you to turn it down.

What? Why?

It's not your turn.

What the hell does that mean?

You are on a great path right now,

without Paar. You don't need him.

Let's let the movie come
out and then you do Paar.

- Why?
- I told you.

It's just not your turn.

Uh-huh. Well, how about
you make it my turn, then?

- James...
- You book it, Susie.

I don't think we should.

You either give me a better reason

than "It's not your
turn," 'cause, frankly,

that means f*ck all to me right now,

or you book the spot.

- James...
- Book me

or I'll find someone else who will.

[♪ CARLY SIMON: "YOU'RE SO VAIN"]

♪ Son of a g*n ♪

♪ He walked in to the party... ♪

This place is nuts.

Apparently Mama was so
pleased with the sh**t today

that she wants to come back tomorrow

to add some more angles.
So it looks more filmic.

She learned that term today.

"Filmic." And "copy that."

Midge, this commercial
has already cost triple

- what we had budgeted.
- What can I tell you?

Okay, I'd like to have

a "come to Jesus" talk
about this, if I could.

You want to have a "come
to Jesus" talk with a Jew?

This hobby of your mother's...

- Oops.
- Whoa, there.

Don't you ever let Mama
hear you call it that.

She will bite your nuts off
and make them into earrings.

This business of hers

has officially become a
huge financial drain on you.

- How huge?
- King Kong to Fay Wray.

Well, at least I get
to be an ingénue again.

The Madison Ave location was bad enough,

but the fact that she refused to rent

and you had to buy the
building? Why didn't you call me?

I was playing Tahoe.
The phones were sticky.

The business is not making money.

We should really think
about closing the place.

We can negotiate severance
for the employees,

and we can try to sell the building.

We'll take a loss,

but we should get it off your books.

You can just pay your mom a salary,

straight from you to her.

It'll be more than
she's making now. It...

Susie, back me up here.

He's not bullshitting
you. The numbers are bad.

Brian, I appreciate what you're saying,

but this place is more
important to my mother

than her grandchildren,
her husband, her son or me,

so it will stay open as long
as she wants it to stay open.

I don't want her worrying or
feeling sad or like a failure.

We will continue to tell
her business is great,

and we will make as many
commercials as she wants,

because that's all I can do for her

in the brief time she's got left.

[SIGHS]

Book the Australian tour.

First thing tomorrow.

[ROSE] Miriam.

I just had a brilliant idea.

- Testimonials.
- Ah.

We film all my great success stories

and do a series of
commercials with them.

I mean, it may affect
everything we just did today,

but, push come to shove,

we just do it again. What do you think?

I think that's a great idea, Mama.

The bathroom is not
gonna be fixed in time,

and the whole place smells like mildew,

so I can't have my event here.

I'm going to have to rent a hall,

I'm going to have to spend my own money,

and it's going to cost a fortune.

I know you don't care.

You think what I do
is silly and frivolous.

That's fine. It only
means something to me.

[INHALES]

[CRIES]

Esther?

The Earth is exploding. Did you hear?

No, it's not. Something just fell.

It's okay. Go back to bed.

[MIDGE CRYING]

Miriam? Are you all right?

Miriam?

[MIDGE] Not now, Papa.

[♪ MOZART: "SONATA K. "]

♪ ♪

[TELEVISION AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Where's Nancy? The food's getting cold.

- She's got a date.
- Oh.

A date?

With a boy?

Yes, dear, a date. Potatoes?

- Don't try to distract me with potatoes.
- But you love potatoes.

I don't want to talk about potatoes.

Okay.

Carrots?

Carole, our daughter is .

- Danny...
- No dating till she's married.

Then her husband can
decide when she dates.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Can you get that, dear?

Fine, but when I get back,

we're going to have a long talk

about who's in charge of this household.

Me. On second thought,

that was the talk. Talk's done.

Oh, you're kidding me.

Is Nancy here?

No, she enlisted.

For how long?

What's your name, son?

Skippy.

Your parents named you Skippy?

- Yes.
- On purpose?

Yes.

Do they know you're not a puppy?

Danny, let the boy in. He'll catch cold.

It's a hallway, not the tundra.

Okay, get in. Get in.

You sure do have a
nice home, Mr. Stevens.

What, are you casing the joint?

Aw, you brought Nancy flowers.

Let's see. When was

the last time I got flowers?

Oh, it was when the doorman

brought up a bouquet by mistake.

He had the wrong apartment.

Skippy, come.

Sit.

Good boy.

Now, Skippy...

I still cannot get over that name.

I'm gonna ask you a few questions.

- Do you date a lot, Skippy?
- No.

How come? Girls don't like you?

- What?
- Is there something wrong with you?

I don't think so.

Hi, Skippy.

Hi, Nancy. You look swell.

Oh, thanks. We should go.

Ah, excuse me, I'm not
done with Skippy yet.

- Follow me.
- What are you doing?

- I'm gonna race him down the hall.
- What?

I just want to see

if he can outrun me.

Time to go, you two.

Have fun. Be home by : .

: ? What is this, Spain?

Home by : .

But, Daddy...

Danny, may I see you

over here for a moment?

- Why?
- I just want to talk to you.

He started it.

Danny, your daughter

is about to go to her very first dance

as a young lady.

Are you really going
to spoil it for her?

I really want to say "yes."

No.

That's the man I married.

Have fun, you two.

- Nancy.
- I know, Daddy.

Home by : .

I was just going to say

you look beautiful.

Thank you, Daddy. I love you.

Bye.

Ay-ay-ay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Very sweet.

Doesn't count.

[♪ JIMMY VAN HEUSEN: "NANCY
(WITH THE LAUGHING FACE)"]

♪ If I don't see her each day ♪

♪ I miss her ♪

Huh.

♪ Gee, what a thrill ♪

♪ Each time I kiss her ♪

[CHUCKLES]

♪ Believe me, I got a case ♪

♪ On Nancy ♪

♪ With the laughing face ♪

♪ Do you ever hear
mission bells ringing? ♪

♪ Well ♪

♪ She'll give you the very same glow ♪

♪ When she speaks ♪

♪ You would think it was singing ♪

♪ Just hear her say hello ♪

♪ I swear to goodness ♪

♪ You can't resist her ♪

♪ Sorry for you ♪

♪ She has no sister ♪

♪ No one could ever replace ♪

♪ My Nancy ♪

♪ With the laughing face ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]