02x02 - The Earth Eraser

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic theme playing]

[horns honking]

MAN: I need more retweets

or I'll never get hired at Hollister.

Your Klout goes at the top

of your rezzie, brah.

Did you see what I posted today?

"Garfield fucks!"

[laughing]

But I only got three f*cking retwats.

You gotta spot me for a bot army

[squeaks]

I know what you're gonna say.

That you shouldn't be shrinking

people down anymore?

- He deserved it.

- Yeah, he did. He was a real yutz.

Wait, you aren't all freaked out

about the Wall stuff anymore?

Eh, policing you is like

a whole second job.

This year, I'm focusing

on what makes me happy.

I'm getting my realtor's license.

You're sure you're not gonna be

on my ass about this later?

I just can't believe

you're still shrinking people down.

- It's tired.

- Not to me.

It's my favorite part of our whole thing.

They had an awesome little w*r in there.

Ah, I'm gonna keep doing it.

Whatevs.

[screams]

Ooh!

[rattling, rumbling]

[grunting]

Ow!

KORVO:

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right,

I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

This is this is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

[stammers]

This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

Some animals are pets,

but they they eat animals,

and other animals they don't eat,

they train them to play basketball.

like Air Bud Dog.

How come you can't just eat any animal.

♪

Terry, get down here.

Your fries are losing heat due to entropy.

Man, you can throw

those fries up a butt.

- I don't need 'em.

- What's with the untucked shirt?

You think you're fancier than us?

Yeah, man. That's why I'm going

to a fabulous dinner party.

- Why wasn't I asked?

- What? I didn't get invited.

Uh, maybe because you guys hate people,

parties, and going outside,

plus you don't even have

button-down shirts.

Still nice to be asked.

You and I haven't had

a night out in a long time.

Not since we went to that Chronicles

of Riddick singalong at the Bowl.

What the hell, you're going too?

I'm going to meet some rich old guys

and get them to leave their wives

for some hot Black Mirror action.

But I slaved away

ordering all this from Hulu Luau.

You wanna waste a whole roasted pig

and these fire wands?

Sorry. Me and the Pupa

are performing tonight.

We are a musical dyad.

As team leader,

I should be included in all things,

which I why I demand that

we all be invited to this dinnering party.

No! I-I can't add a plus one so late

in the day, let alone a plus two.

Then I will activate the Earth Eraser,

and we can all get turned into dust.

EARTH ERASER:

All matter will be atomized

- in five, four, three

- Okay. Jesus f*cking Christ,

- I added you to the RSVP.

- two and a half

- two

- You've sufficiently cramped my style.

Good. We shall leave in an hour.

I need to apply darker blue makeup

to everywhere under my robe.

Man, we gotta throw out

that Earth Eraser.

EARTH ERASER:

Try and die, bitch.

D-d-does my shirt look okay?

Is-is-is it untucked enough?

Yeah, man. Relax.

But remember, don't be yourself in there.

These people want you to have a good time.

Shut up! I know that.

[jazz music playing on speakers]

[people laughing]

Smell my peen!

They grow the grapes in Brooklyn

in the middle of a Montessori preschool.

Uh, yes, smells like, uh, wine.

Uh, uh, congratulations on

your procurement of-of the bottle.

Wine? Who calls

a Greenpoint Pinot "wine"?

Oh, man, ah, he's just kidding.

Korvo would never do that.

It's from Brooklyn. Brooklyn!

- Brooklyn?

- BOTH: Brooklyn!

Never been to Brooklyn,

but I-I-I once chased

a mechanoid around Jupiter's moons.

What a weird thing to say.

Nobody cares about that.

We're talking about Brooklyn.

[softly]

You're the one who demanded to come.

Could you at least try to be social?

[gooblers chattering loudly]

I am trying.

Brooklyn! Brooklyn!

[ominous music playing]

Hi there. I'm Mia.

Welcome to the Wall.

Hola, me llamo Mia.

Bienvenidos a la Pared.

- Um, I speak English.

- Oh, goody!

I'm the Wall Greeter. Fresh lemonade?

- What is going on here?

- Shh! It's okay.

I know it seems overwhelming,

but you have nothing to be afraid of.

An alien boy shrank you down

and put you in a terrarium

he keeps hidden in his bedroom wall.

- What the f*ck!

- Our world used to be a terrible place,

full of v*olence and starvation.

The Wall was divided into levels,

all run by a cruel dictator:

The Duke.

But then, Tim, a brilliant,

fearless warrior led a resistance

that rose up against The Duke.

They fought a bloody w*r.

We lost many friends that evening.

But we also gained heroes.

We have many to thank

for their sacrifices,

but none more than Cherie,

who lost her life slaying The Duke.

We're going to celebrate her

with the first annual Cherie Day soon.

There's a feast and a parade,

and everyone gets one lick

of our giant sugar cube.

You people have a whole world in here?

Yes. And you will too.

Look at this as a chance

for a brand-new life.

What have you always dreamed of doing?

Um, I guess I've always wanted

to design clothes.

Oh, my god, I've never said that

out loud before.

Perfect!

Let me put in your first order.

I need a dress for Cherie Day.

I'm about a jellybean and a half tall.

- Donna Langley!

- Hey, Terry, come here.

We're playing inside baseball

Hollywood executive Celebrity.

Too easy.

David Nevins. Come on.

Let's take the bumpers off.

- Yumyulack, you're up.

- And go.

I don't know who the f*ck this is.

Pass and go to the next one.

Okay, uh, this person's name

sounds like a demon.

Did they reinvent TV on DVD?

You didn't know Doug Herzog?

[all laugh]

Na na na na na

na na na na na ♪

Batman ♪

[applause]

[sighs]

Look,

we got a lot of applause out there,

but it was 100 percent gratuitous.

I don't wanna point fingers

at the weak link here,

but you were way off.

Get your sh*t together, Pupes!

[sighs]

How the f*ck were we supposed

to know Debbie Liebling?

How about we play Celebrities

from the home world, huh?

Here's one. This Shlorpian

invented heated goo?

- Uh, uh Zelgar.

- Yes! Point for us.

Uh, this party just got real lame

about two seconds ago.

Yeah, I think it was when Craig started

to explain the David S. Pumpkins sketch.

Korvo, man, uh, how about you guys

just go on and get out of here.

You're, uh, kinda ruining the vibe.

We're ruining the vibe?

Did you not hear Jamie try to do

his impression of a train?

- [gasps]

- Look, you apologize to him right now!

You can all go smell peen in hell!

How dare you!

[door slams]

A good peen would never survive

in that heat anyway.

[knocking on door]

Hey, welcome to the Wall.

I'm Steve, the nutritionist.

Here's your produce for the day.

Fresh blueberries and cherry tomatoes.

Wow, these are gorgeous.

Well, I grew them myself from seeds

we pulled out of a KIND bar.

Enjoy.

[children giggling]

Heya, Halk. Here are you "nutes."

Wow, Steve. These look great.

- You've really got a green thumb.

- Oh, come on.

I'm nothing compared to

a w*r hero like you.

Oh, well, I don't like

to dwell on those days.

Well, I'll never forget how many people

you pulled out from under those Nerds.

So many of my friends

who could have d*ed that day

are around because of you.

I brought you something special.

Aw, Steve is really growing the hell

out of those KIND bar seeds.

Mm, mm.

This Uh!

This is the best thing in the Wall.

That strawberry is

the best thing in here?

Yep. Nothing better.

Nothing in your life

is better than a berry?

Mm. I can't think of anything.

- Such a shame, 'cause I was gonna give you this.

- Oh, Halk!

I had this whole speech about how

I wanna spend the rest of my tiny life

with the woman

with the biggest heart.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

[both moan]

Although I do love that strawberry.

KORVO:

I hate dinner parties.

Why couldn't that have just been

a regular party

where people think I'm eccentric?

Let's go home and get

that DNA melter from the ship

and melt them all into flesh pudding.

No, they'll just throw

another dinner party

and make fun of us for using

a melter that isn't from Brooklyn.

I wish we could melt all dinner parties

and just be done with it.

Oh, driver, take us to the poorest,

crookedest senator in the country.

There's an extra billion dollars

in it for you

if you get us there by morning.

You got it, bub.

You know, we cabbies used

to run this city,

- but then Uber

- Two billion if we go in silence.

See, the thing about Uber is that

they don't care about their drivers.

- Damn it.

- And they don't pay 'em enough.

They have to work five times

[peppy music playing]

[machine whirring,

coins clattering]

[inaudible dialogue]

[inaudible]

♪

[camera shutters clicking]

Whee-hee-hee!

What the

[dramatic musical flourish]

Nooooo!

KORVO: Now that

dinner parties are against the law,

we are the only people

that can enforce it.

Right here. Us.

So get excited. Get pumped.

We're the best of the best.

We're looking for get-togethers,

white elephants, housewarmings.

If it's not a rager,

it could be a crime.

Drinks and apps?

Cuff 'em, boys.

KORVO: Infant carrots,

that will get you three to five.

Add a dip? You're looking at life.

[cocks shotgun]

Let's ride.

[tense music playing]

They're just having a drink.

Seems legit.

KORVO:

Looks like we can move on.

Wait! The host just pulled

a lasagna from the oven.

Move! Move! Move!

[people gasp]

[woman screams]

[grunts]

Smile for the papers.

[camera shutter clicks]

♪

Check out these nets I got

to catch people.

This one's big enough to nab

two regular-sized perps or five vegans.

Do you know what I just read

in this spinning newspaper?

Family Circus is still going.

How is that possible?

All of those kids should be dead.

No.

That you two are being dicks!

No, Terry, we're doing our jobs.

I-I told you not to come

to the dinner party.

You made me bring you.

And now we're just upholding the law.

And soon we'll get

to use excessive force.

- [cocks shotgun]

- No, we don't. Stop that.

Terry, I recommend you steer clear

of dinner parties,

for your own good.

You don't intimidate me.

I ain't never gonna even think

about stop dinner partying.

Careful, Terry.

I might be your team leader,

but when I'm wearing this badge,

you're talking to the law.

Okay. Well, then I guess

you better suck my butt,

Officer assh*le!

Who the hell is this slut?

You're performing our routine

behind my back.

Hi, Jesse.

You know what, you can have

our boring old routine.

I'm going to be a star without you.

[door slams]

Bye, Jesse.

[slurping]

Lady B, what are we doing?

We don't need a leash in the park.

Oh. Here.

[screeches]

[chittering]

[leaves rustling]

You silly.

[cries]

[woman gasps]

[screams]

Is any of this Impossible meat?

I only eat Impossible Foods now.

- No, all this food is extremely possible.

- Gross.

Oh, hey, we're just gonna donate

this bottle of prosecco

and breakdancing board to

to Costco, okay?

That's all.

[door opens, closes]

I smell a dinner party.

[Velcro rips]

Let's ride.

[cocks shotgun]

[people chattering]

Now!

Dinner Party Police!

Drop your cheese knives.

Is there a problem, officers?

There's no dinner parties happening here.

This sports bar is just selling alcohol

with the occasional opioid.

Uh, sorry.

Bad intel.

We're clear.

[machinery whirring, clanking]

[disco music playing on speakers]

Handstand. Flip.

Round and round.

[grunts]

And doing it Slide And doing it.

YUMYULACK: A whole sports bar

in a residential house?

They can never get a permit for that.

We've been duped by sci-fi.

And sci-fi is our area.

Terry's area is knowing all

the housewives of various regions.

Time to use excessive force?

No. We're just gonna have

to fight sci-fi

[gadget whines]

with sci-fi.

- That uses excessive force!

- Stop saying that!

Wow! Give a man a badge

and it really goes right to his head.

These E-cogs can sense

when an E-vite is going out

before it's even sent.

Their brains are attached

to the internet,

and I used the same algorithm

Amazon uses

to know when you're gonna

purchase something.

[E-cogs gasp]

Dinner party detected.

It's in such an early stage

that the host is still deciding

between cute background images.

Dancing hot dogs?

That's dinner party bullshit,

if I've ever heard it.

[both cock shotguns]

Oh, oh, can we put

shotgun shells in these?

I said no!

They're just for dramatic effect,

which you just ruined,

so we have to do it again.

[both cock shotguns]

[jetpacks whooshing]

Uh!

[laughing]

[cats mewing]

[mewing]

Goddammit!

What the hell are those invitations for?

I don't know, man.

Why don't you ask your E-cogs?

Or do they only work on E-vites?

I've been going easy on you

because I'm your mission leader.

Don't make me come down on you.

Do your worst Officer.

Permission to use excessive force!

- Oh, finally.

- What the f*ck is that?

[clears throat]

[bleeping]

Sorry, Bleep Bug in my throat.

[creatures snarling, growling]

I grew these Napadoodles

using techno-organic material.

They can sense cheese plates

and Cards Against Humanity

from miles away.

Plus, they're hypoallergenic.

You've forced my hand.

Release your unholy creations.

You wanna go for a walk, yeah?

You want walkies?

You want walkies?

Good girls, good girls.

[soft jazz music playing on loudspeaker]

[laughter]

Oooh! Brie cups with apple butter?

[gasps]

Are these from Brooklyn?

[glass shatters]

[people screaming]

[growling]

[gasps]

[screams]

Ah, ah, ah!

[bottle clinks]

[bottles clinking]

We're turning people into wine?

I-I-I think we've gone too far.

Exactly. It's excessive force.

These people love wine.

Look how happy they are on the labels.

[watch beeping]

A new E-vite.

Wait!

Oh, no, Terry and Jesse just replied

as maybes on this.

W-we can't let them get bottled.

They're our crew.

Yumyulack, I-I-I order you

to call off the doodles.

I can't call them off. Once a Napadoodle

senses party prep, it's over.

My gray god!

Thanks for coming, Halk.

We really need your help.

These kind of things

don't happen in here anymore.

Not since the w*r.

Oh, Steve.

I'm not sure I can help.

I didn't know him that well.

He worked on the farming level.

We need your expertise.

You're the only one qualified enough

to help us with a m*rder investigation.

Come on, you're a w*r hero.

You've got the stomach for this.

Plus, you were

an Executive Story Editor on Bones.

- What is that, by the way?

- An ESE? It's just a level of writer.

Look, I only got hired on that show

because I wrote a Law and Order spec,

not because I'm an actual detective.

I-I'm sure you picked things up when

you ripped stories from the headlines.

We have a theory.

Big ol' cricket got into the Wall

and k*lled poor Steve.

HALK:

You think a cricket did this?

Those bastards make music

with their legs.

Who knows what else

they're capable of.

If you think it's a cricket,

why do you need me?

Because Tim asked for you specifically.

You're a w*r hero.

The announcement will sound better

coming from you.

[sighs]

I'm sorry, guys,

but I have a life of my own.

Good luck finding that cricket.

[tires screeching]

[line ringing]

- TERRY: Yello!

- Terry, listen to me!

Yumyulack created huge Napadoodles

that turn criminals into wine.

Do not go into that dinner party.

Oh, I would never dreeeeeam

of breaking the law.

And you can totally record

this conversation.

No, T-Terry, this is not a trick.

Oh, damnit!

[tires squealing]

You guys! Guess what?

I sci-fi disguised this house

to look like a Radio Shack

so no one will ever go in it.

[glass shatters, Napadoodles growling]

[bottle clinks]

[screaming]

Ohh!

Ahh!

Run!

[growling]

I left NPR on in the truck.

Th-th-they must have been drawn to it.

And I have baby carrots in my pocket.

What the sh*t are you doing?

Get rid of them.

[snarling]

That's not gonna hold them long.

Quick, grab the scooter made from birds.

[chiming]

[growling]

Ugh, human battery power is so weak.

Why haven't they discovered

how to harness the power of love yet?

[growling]

[both yelp]

No. Hole Foods?

This is like a mega dinner party.

We're surrounded by people

eating organic samples

and recommending podcasts to each other.

Ooh, have you heard Slow Burn.

I gave up on it. Wait, stop it!

[glass shatters]

[man screaming]

We have to mask the dinner party scent.

[all shouting]

[people screaming]

Come on!

[screaming]

[Napadoodles growling]

The smell of cake will confuse

the doodles into thinking

that I'm at a birthday gathering,

which is technically not a dinner party.

And-and I'm disguising my scent

with lonely single person food.

Speaking of lonely single people,

I-I lied earlier.

Aah! You think Speed 2: Cruise Control

is better than Speed.

Only reason I outlawed

dinner parties is because

you were leaving me alone all the time.

What about Yumyulack?

He could have kept you company.

- He's a narc, and he chews too loud.

- Oh, yeah, no, he sucks.

[growling]

[clinking]

The truth is,

[woman screaming]

I don't hate dinner parties.

I hate not having dinner with you, dummy.

We used to socialize,

we used to have a life.

- What happened to us?

- Streamium TV happened, man.

We stopped going out

because the movie stars came to us.

You're right. The siren call

of Josh Hartnett

on our 50-inch flatty

is impossible to resist.

I'm sorry, Korv.

I was so busy impressing

those dinner partiers

that I barely knew I didn't make time

to party with you.

Terry, I say we seal our apologies

with a kiss.

- Mm.

- Nice.

[roars]

[growling]

Happy birthday to you ♪

[both sigh]

Have you ever played Apples to Apples?

[roars]

[whimpers]

Jesse, Pupes,

I thought you weren't speaking.

Listen, when people start getting

smushed into wine

you forget your artistic differences

real quick.

Woo-woo-woo!

JESSE: Plus his new slut partner

was devoured by a Napadoodle.

KORVO: Let's hover this board

to DC and overturn that law.

I'm coming, too, right behind you.

[scooter beeps]

Aw, goddammit!

[people screaming]

HALK: Don't let go.

Don't let go. Come on!

[screaming]

Baby. Baby, wake up. You're having

that dream again, okay.

Honey, look at me. Look at me.

You saved so many.

But not everyone.

You did as much as you could.

Am I doing as much as I can now?

I know those Walldermen want you

to get involved,

but that's not your life anymore.

Now is your time to be

at home with me.

What kind of home is this if you aren't

safe enough to walk in the mushroom park.

I gotta help them with this investigation.

But the nightmares.

Are you sure it's a good idea?

I'll be safe. And I'll make sure

everyone here is safe.

And, hey, it's probably just a cricket.

[machine whirring, coins clattering]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

[peppy music playing]

♪

Okay, okay! Blue skin, always rambling

about how her replicants walked

after only seven minutes of being planted.

Oh, you're talking about Zamulon.

She thinks her replicants are all that,

even though they ain't.

- And time. [bell rings]

- All right! I love this game.

Okay. Think I got everyone

in the neighborhood.

What are you doing

with that people wine?

What do you think I'm doing with it?

- Freezing it to make wine cubes?

- What?

I'm returning them back

into their human forms.

Why the change of heart.

No law, no criminals.

I only like capturing bad people

because I'm a bounty hunter.

Bounty hunters gotta bounty, you know.

I had no idea that this

people-wine situation could be reversed.

Had I known, we would have

done this a lot sooner.

- Oh, yeah.

- So much sooner.

[slurping]

[growling]

[burps, growls]

[bottles clinking]

[hisses, retches]

You know, we should do this more often.

ZOE:

Oh, this was fun.

Send me the link to that thing.

Knock, knock!

[gasps]

Hello, flare pants.

Ha ha ha! I will make some

just for you, Mia.

Um, yes, please.

I'm actually poking my little beak in

to check on Declan,

see how he's liking the new gig.

- Who?

- Declan! The new guy.

There is no Declan.

No one new has reported here.

Oops. He must have gotten lost.

[ominous music playing]

♪

[theme music playing]

♪

[imitating laser fire]