02x04 - The Emergency Urbanizer

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic theme playing]

♪

Hey, Korvo, you care

if I take a Tiki nap in here?

I don't know why it's easier to drink

and sleep on the couch than in bed.

But it is.

Go ahead, Terry.

I'm just using the peace and quiet

to re-catalogue

all 10,000 data spikes.

It's so relaxing.

[door slams open]

[grunting, lasers f*ring]

Terry, Korvo!

Jesse got eyeliner

all over my holocron,

and now it won't work!

I'm experimenting with eyebrows!

Stop judging us

with your facial hair!

What on Gorb's Grey Grible

is going on here!?

[shouting over each other]

and a landing strip like Staci K!

Shut up!

Why aren't you at school?

Double duh, school's closed.

Oh great, what is it this time?

Another one of

their meaningless holidays

like Apple Pie Day

or Yom Kapper?

No, it's summer. We learned

about it last year, remember?

The whole ice lava thing?

No, what?

I guess we'll just have

to stomach one extra day

of you two taking up

our adult space.

Probably better than you

being molested at that school.

Summer break's

three months long.

[spits]

Aw man.

Three months?

That's like one 90 Day Fiancé!

Yeah, and you better not be riding

our cr*ck like this the whole time.

Summer is when we get to do

anything we want.

- Like a screaming competition.

- Go!

[both screaming]

This summer thing is not going

to work for me, Terry.

It's worse than the nightmare

on Helms Street,

which is what they call the time

a Port-a-Potty emptying truck

tipped over

on Ed Helms' private drive.

Such a waste of poop.

I don't want

the replicants at home!

I can't take three months

of this, Terry!

I like them for 45 minutes

in the morning

and maybe a couple of hours

at night, tops.

Well, we obviously have

to k*ll the replicants.

It does make the most sense.

We can always grow new ones.

Let's do it quick,

before we get too attached to these.

What are we talkin', poison?

Put 'em in a bag

and throw them in a quarry?

I was thinking we could maybe

just shave some glass into their food.

I could use my pillow as a sil*ncer

and sh**t them in their sleep?

Right in their f*ckin' face.

Or use the pillow

for a good old-fashioned smothering.

Just like the ones we see

on TV and movies, Terry.

Looks like the Solar Opposites

are k*lling their replicants!

Um, excuse me.

Hi, Terry. Korvo.

I couldn't help but overhear you debating

different ways to k*ll your children.

- That is correct.

- Mind your own business,

you old bowl of soup.

Why don't you just send them

to summer camp?

Pretend we don't know anything

and walk us through it.

Thank God this camp thing came up.

Jesse and I were just about

to k*ll you guys.

What? We were about

to k*ll you guys too!

That is so funny.

Great minds think alike!

ALL: [chanting]

Camp! Camp! Camp!

Camp! Camp! Camp!

TERRY:

Hey! It's a camp thing!

KORVO:

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants

were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes

on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us

on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right,

I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo.

This is this is my show.

I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

[stammers]

This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

I don't understand

why people like daylight so much.

It's so loud

when it hits your skin.

♪

YUMYULACK:

Ooh, ooh, camp sounds amazing.

I'm excited to use

my bounty hunting skills

to hunt down and t*rture those

who have captured the flag.

And I'm excited

for a sexual awakening.

I heard last year Julia Howland

went to camp a girl

and came back a woman.

But then it turned out

it actually was a woman

and they never found Julia's body.

Crazy, huh?

Well, I'm excited to perform something

from Angels in America on talent night.

I took out all the gay stuff

and doubled the angels.

You're not going to camp, Terry!

The whole point is that

we're gonna have the house to ourselves.

Are you still Tiki drunk?

- No. [slurping]

- Terry, t-take your next left.

[tires squealing]

[dramatic music playing]

[thudding]

[bird screeches]

[tires squealing]

- This is camp?

- No, don't be dumb.

It's much, much deeper

in the woods.

Okay, guys, remember:

we parked by trees.

Halt. This is camp.

Goodbye, we're leaving. Good luck.

Wha it-it looks the same

as where we parked.

Yeah, this just feels like

the regular old woods.

Where's camp?

We talked to our creepy, bitchy neighbor

for almost five minutes about this,

so I know for sure

that this is camp.

We leave you here

for two or three weeks,

and you learn to swim or some sh*t,

and then we come pick you up.

The end.

- Done and done.

- Cool, works for me.

We'll visit over parents' weekend.

Okay, bye.

No, we won't. Terry, are you sure

the car is this way?

I took four units of pathfinding

at the academy

to prepare for life

on dangerous alien worlds.

I think I can walk us

out of the woods.

[eagle screeches]

What the f*ck, Terry?

Just admit it, we're lost!

It's just up here, I promise.

Camp sucks, there's not even

a flag to capture.

Hey, how long does it take

to sexually awaken?

I whittled a boyfriend to grind on,

you know, for when it happens.

This is Nate Jacobs.

We met at his bark-mitzvah.

- Can we just go home?

- Yes.

- Except we're lost.

- I knew it!

All because you couldn't stop drinking

those stupid Tiki drinks.

They're not stupid! I find my way

out of the woods better when I'm drunk.

You ever even had any of these?

This one's from a coconut.

- [Korvo grunts]

- Aw!

How can we possibly be lost?

We have access to the most sophisticated

tracking equipment in the quadrant.

I left it in the car, okay.

We're going to be trapped here

until we die,

and I'll never get to have

a 500 Days of Summer quirky romance

with a manic pixie dream boy!

Everybody calm down.

I'm an expert trailblazer.

We just have to follow

the dimmest star,

it'll always lead

directly South.

[owl hoots]

All the stars are dim

on this stupid planet!

[gasps] Why is there

a branch through my shoulder?

Because you said

if we didn't eat soon

you were going to ram a branch

through your shoulder.

And that was six weeks ago.

Oh right, yeah,

I guess I'm in shock.

♪

There's no question anymore,

we have a serial k*ller on our hands.

Whoa, we're going straight

to judging people

just because of five

identical murders?

I'm not convinced.

I still think a cricket did it.

A cricket?

Could a cricket k*ll

five random men,

surgically remove their organs,

and place their corpses

in the shape of a winky face?

Have you seen Pinocchio?

[snickers] Yeah. Who knows

what they could accomplish

if they put their minds

to murdering.

Or worse, their legs.

Ooh, what if it's

two crickets working together?

Or one original homicidal cricket

and then a copy cricket.

Can I just throw out there

that we probably just have

one regular human m*rder*r

and not two

genius-level k*ller crickets.

You're letting

your imagination run wild.

You're not an executive story editor

on the hit FOX drama Bones anymore.

This is real life.

These are real people

we're talking about,

not characters played by

the eminently watchable Emily Deschanel.

Are you even listening to me?

No, if there's one thing

I learned on Bones,

it's never get between Boreanaz

and second dinner.

But another thing was:

go with your gut.

And my gut says

we gotta move fast.

Nate! Mwah! Mwah!

Nate, you're back. I missed you.

Oh! Nate!

Not in front of my family.

- We're back where we started?

- Are we gonna die out here?

Wait, I can't die yet!

We haven't even finished

our camp story arc.

What happens with all that?

That's not how life works,

we're not on TV.

We're starving to death

in the woods.

We don't have time to learn

the value of sharing or whatever.

So now instead of camp,

it's just a lost in the woods story?

Would you stop trying

to make it a story?

We are lost

in the woods, though!

Not for long,

we have one more option.

It's typically reserved to survive

the most barren, inhospitable planets,

but desperate times

call for desperate measures.

Yumyulack, it's time.

- Ohh!

- Are you sure?

We're dying, we have to.

Uhh what are you

talking about?

The Emergency Urbanizer.

It's a life raft for the land.

We only have one of these,

we can never do it again.

Quit wasting time, Yumyulack.

We all know the stakes.

They've been tapped multiple times.

Just do it.

[g*n fires]

[ground rumbling, leaves rustling]

["Rhapsody in Blue"

by George Gershwin playing]

♪

[thudding]

[all screaming]

[all gasp]

[horn honks]

HALK: The seven

on that scrap of paper,

it's a clue.

Our guy must live in Sector 7.

I can feel it in my bones.

Episode 21, never aired.

Pre-empted by the k*lling

of Bin Laden.

Good episode. Bobby Cannavale

guest starred as a pimp.

Wow, I didn't know

crickets could use paper.

You see how smart

they are?

[tense music playing]

[door creaks]

Bingo. Somebody k*lled

some sh*t up in this piece.

♪

- Freeze! Get him! Get him!

- Ah!

[spits, gasps]

He was not!

ENRIQUE: Yuh-huh, he was

totally reaching for something!

We saved your life!

A "thank you" would be nice.

We could have

brought him in alive!

Wait, whoa, whoa. Wait, whoa!

We didn't discuss that at all.

We thought we were supposed

to staple him immediately.

You should be happy

your theory was right.

It wasn't a cricket after all.

And we got him!

- ENRIQUE: Woo-hoo-hoo!

- SONNY: Oh yeah! Ha ha ha!

[horns honking]

Who knows where the car is

at this point?

It could take us days to find.

Holy guacamole!

What is this place?

It's complicated.

There's a tourist video station

over there.

Come on,

we'll go watch.

Howdy, I'm wood actor

Wooden Harrelson,

star of the upcoming film

Now You Three Me:

Escape from the Pokerverse.

Welcome to The Wooden City,

the most exciting,

actually growing city in the world.

The Wooden City

is just like a regular city,

except algorithmically generated

from materials available

in the woods.

Except the animals.

[growls]

They are real,

and they will k*ll you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have an 8:30 at Dorsia.

That's right, it's not

all forest puns here.

The good news: we're not lost

in the woods anymore.

The bad news: we're now lost

in a giant big wooden city.

[wolf howling]

We just need to make

enough money to rent a car

so we can drive back

to where we parked our actual car

and get the hell out of here.

Let's split up and all get jobs.

That way, it'll go faster.

But shouldn't we stick together?

No. It would be faster

if we all went and got our own jobs

and made money

as fast as possible.

This isn't a game.

It's survival.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Now the story isn't about camp

or being lost in the woods,

it's about surviving

in the big city?

Yeah, or it could be

a Godzilla story,

so keep your eyes open.

Okay, I have a ton of notes.

This is gonna be awesome!

We're in the big city!

You can be anything

you want out here:

super hero, politician, orthodontist.

I'm going to be

a famous ten-figure actor

and then maybe retire

as a two-figure voice actor.

Come on, kid, what have you

always wanted to be?

What's your craziest dream?

Spill it, we're all havin' fun.

I have always wanted

to work in fashion.

I'm gonna work in finance because

I've always wanted to be a sh*t head.

That a boy, dream big.

Okay, you all have

your big city stories now.

Remember, we just need money

to get a car to get to our car.

What are you gonna do?

I-I don't know yet, so I'm just gonna

walk around and look for a sign.

Everyone, meet back here tonight

with all the money we've earned!

♪

I wanted oak, not maple,

you stupid birch.

- [hawk screeches]

- Ah! Help me!

You're fired. Have a

carried-off-by-a-hawk life.

- You!

- [gasps] Me?

You're my assistant now.

Pick up those acorns

and follow me.

ASSISTANT: Oh my god!

[hawk screeching]

Stop it! Ah!

Five million? I don't get outta bed

for under ten, you stinky cock smoocher!

Wow, that is, without a doubt,

the coolest guy I've ever seen.

Even the statues are cool.

[growls]

Ah! [panting]

Ten million? I don't get

outta bed for under five!

Wait, no.

Ten million I will humbly accept.

[all cheering]

[cork pops]

- [gasps]

- MAN: Hey, dickless!

- You the new kid?

- Oh, uh yeah? Yes.

Then pick up a f*cking phone

and make me some f*cking money!

[woman screams]

[grunts]

Ayy, relax, kid. You done good.

You done real good.

Why don't you come down

and see me at the cab stand.

We could use a kid like you.

KORVO:

Ever since I could remember,

I wanted to be a gangster.

[swing music playing]

[laughing]

Uh, ahem. Hello

[growling]

[Korvo screaming]

Ah!

Aah! Oh man. He was like,

"You sh*t me, bro!"

Ha ha ha, yeah.

'Cause you sh*t him!

That was so classic.

Boom boom, you're dead.

Yo, what's up your ass, hombre?

You're a Wall hero again.

And just in time for Cherie Day!

Something doesn't feel right.

What doesn't feel right

is you haven't had

enough fermented piss

to celebrate!

[laughing, cheering]

Oh, I, um, just realized I left

my favorite, uh, piss mug at home.

Aw, man, go get it!

They say love is blind

when you're of a hive mind ♪

But it's hard

to find that honey ♪

Since our numbers

have declined ♪

- [panting]

- Next.

You mean,

like next round of auditions?

Typically, that's called

a callback.

Or do you mean next step

in the process which is what, wardrobe?

That's perfect because I have

some thoughts on bees and wasps

No. I meant next audition.

You were wildly talentless

in every way

except making us feel

embarrassed for you.

Are you serious?

I'm embarrassed for you

that you can't see generational talent

when it's right in front

of your f*ckin' faces!

Sweetie, the only chance you have

at being referred to as "talent"

is if you become

a prost*tute.

A prost*tute!? Ha! I would never.

Do you hear me? Never!

It's not a blow job, sweetie.

It's a blow career.

You can't just start at the top,

you gotta, you Hey!

You wanna have

some fun, sugar?

- How much?

- Uhh, ten grand an hour.

No f*ckin' way

Fine, fine, fine, fine.

Five hundred for two hours.

Hands and mouth only.

Best and final.

A-a hundred an hour.

Buy two, get six free. No holes barred.

A-a-alright, okay.

Four bucks, clock's off,

you can pull my teeth out,

bang me to Bethlehem,

and leave me for dead.

My one request is that

you get me drunk first.

Or I can do it sober, whatever.

I guess that's just life

in the big city,

would be the perfect line

to say to launch into a montage.

Oh! Oh my god,

it's happening!

[Duran Duran's

"Hungry Like the Wolf" playing]

Darken the city,

night is a wire ♪

Steam in the subway ♪

[gasps]

[growling]

Do do do do do do do

do-do do-do-do do-do ♪

Nope, no, maybe,

nope, no,

too hippy, no,

needs more brow, no,

k*ll yourself, k*ll me,

this is brilliant,

get cancer, I love you,

die in World w*r Z.

Jesse, I don't know what to say.

Sorry for how things unfolded.

If you would just let me explain.

I'm ruined.

[grunts]

Have yourself

a slapped-in-the-face evening.

[all applauding]

Fifty million bottles of champagne

for our $50 million man!

Fifty million,

that's what I'm talking about!

And I'm hungry like the wolf ♪

Get out.

♪

All I wanted to do was get money

to get a car to get to our car.

Seemed so simple.

[glass shatters]

Aah!

[g*nsh*t]

[screeches]

[cocks g*n]

And of course,

you couldn't be bothered

to attend

Yumyulack Junior's christening

'cause you're too busy putting your nose

in a pile of cocaine

and your d*ck in a pile

of cr*ck cocaine!

Okay, what if I did f*ck

cr*ck cocaine?

What difference would it make?

You don't know anything

about me anymore, Cindeen!

I know one thing about you:

You're about to be divorced!

I wish I'd never bought

this wooden penis!

[door slams]

Trip, the FBI's here

but we're fine, right?

Nothing to worry about? Trip?

Yeah, yeah, we're fine, bud.

Don't even worry about it.

Let 'em do their thing.

It's all good. All good.

- [g*nsh*t]

- Oh my god, Trip!

Oh!

[crying, shouting]

[handcuffs clicking]

Alright, everyone. Don't panic.

We're gonna b*at this.

We're gonna be just fine.

[groans]

[man screams]

Scent and a sound ♪

I'm lost and I'm found ♪

And I'm hungry like the wolf ♪

Strut on a line ♪

[knocking on door]

I howl and I whine

I'm after you ♪

Mouth is alive ♪

[panting]

[wolf growling]

[glass shatters]

- [growls]

- Ah!

Son of a bitch!

[grunts]

Ah, f*ck!

[whimpers]

[sobs]

Oh!

I'm trying to do a mafia story,

you piece of sh*t!

[barking]

[exhales]

♪

[foreboding music playing]

♪

[faint clattering]

Freeze!

[dramatic music playing]

[gasps]

♪

[Halk grunts]

♪

[panting]

♪

[cr*ck]

[people shouting and crying]

[both grunting]

[woman screams]

[man screams]

[man screams]

[both screaming]

[light jazz music playing]

Oh, I simply adore

your gown, Jesse.

You truly are the queen

of Wooden City fashion.

- Whatever.

- Congrats on all your success.

Who gives a sh*t.

[gasps]

You guys came?

It's good to see you.

How's everyone doing?

Me? Oh I'm doing great.

Started a big hedge fund,

got an office at the top

of the Squirrel Trade Center,

played by the rules.

Nice guys finish first.

What else can I say?

No major issues personally

or professionally.

Ditto for me.

Built myself a sweet little career

in the customer service industry.

I'm my own boss

so I set my own hours,

come and go as I please.

Taking some risks

with my attire, so be it.

Who the f*ck

are you to judge?

No judgments here.

For I am

- Bleeding?

- Bleeding? No, this is,

uh, party sauce.

I'm doing great also,

so don't question me.

Fell in with

a great group of guys.

We mostly do, uh, construction.

My best friends are Jimmy The Trigger,

Ronny Kills-A-Lot,

and Guido The Stone Cold Psycho.

I'm very happy for you all.

Because, as you can see,

I've reached the pinnacle

of the fashion world.

All my dreams have come true,

and I've never been happier.

I love it here.

End of story.

Well, I think I'm gonna take off.

Yeah, I have

a really important sales cum

I mean, conference balls

no, I mean a team skeeting

uh, shaftholder meeting

I mean,

my shattered ass is healing

Bleh, I'm shattering

the glass ceiling.

I should go as well.

I'm pretty heavily party saucing.

L-losing strength

Wait! Guys!

The truth is, it may look like

I'm doing well on the outside,

but I'm very lonely.

I miss you guys.

I know we're all deep

into our separate lives,

but I'd like it

if you could stay.

I mean,

just for a little.

To be honest, I flew

too close to the sun.

By which I mean

committed several financial crimes.

Plus I got divorced,

company got raided by the FBI,

and all my coworkers

k*lled themselves.

I'm hurt real bad.

I just wanted to be a gangster,

but I kept getting att*cked by wolves.

I know this may come as a huge shock,

but I haven't been honest either.

I'm a sex worker, and I let

lonely tree men pay to f*ck me.

We got so wrapped up

surviving in the big city,

getting sucked into our new lives,

but are any of us

really happy?

I was happier when we were

just a regular alien team.

Not just a team, a team family.

We all lost sight of our goal:

making enough money

to get back to our old life

so we could all be

together again.

We've picked our path,

and we can never go home again.

Um, guys?

The city's on fire.

KORVO: Jesus Christ,

it's that flaming wolf that ran off!

- We have to go home!

- Wait a second.

Is that our car?

Way out there in the distance?

Quick, before we burn alive!

[people screaming]

[horn blaring]

[panting]

[engine starts]

Bye, camp! I'll miss you!

See you next summer!

[tires squealing]

Ah. This is nice.

I may have overreacted

to you two being home from school.

Sometimes it's not awful

to share the house with you.

Yes, we did it!

The Solar Opposites emotionally arced!

[Italian accent]

Now that's a-story!

f*ck you. No, it wasn't.

No, wait, w-we did arc!

I-I'm proud of all of us.

Just in time because we go back

to school tomorrow.

Oh really?

Th-th-that's a bummer.

See, I knew you'd come around

and want to spend more time with us!

Oh no, it's a bummer because I thought

summer was two more months

and I already poisoned you.

Ah, geez, I'll get the antidote.

NEWS ANCHOR: The mysterious wooden city

that recently appeared out of nowhere

tragically b*rned

to the ground last week

in a fire

experts are calling inevitable.

I gotta be honest, I feel bad

The Wooden City is gone.

They had a really good Arby's

to get f*cked in.

It's for the best. The Wooden City

turned us into our worst selves.

We're lucky it's gone forever

NEWS ANCHOR:

But miraculously,

it has grown back

stronger than ever before

and will now be hosting

the Summer Olympics in 2028.

- Wait, what'd they say?

- Nothing!

Nobody's going back

to The Wooden City.

Now go to your room

and take your antidote!

Honestly,

it might be too late.

♪

Ah. It's so peaceful

here in the woods.

Finally, some peace and quiet.

Am I right?

You know, without summer break,

we would have never found this condo.

[yawns]

Sometimes life finds a way.

[sirens blaring in distance]

- [roars]

- sh*t, a moose!

- Terry, run!

- It's got me! It hurts! No!

Oh Jesus, f*ck, it bit my leg off!

[both shouting indistinctly]

[glass shattering]

TERRY: Oh, it stinks!

You never really know

how bad moose stinks!

Oh, it stinks like sh*t!

[theme music playing]

♪

[mimicking laser fire]