08x05 - Stay Humble

[bunniefuu]

LIVELY THEME MUSIC
SHE GASPS

HE MOANS
HORN BLARES

POPPING SOUND
Argh!

BIRD CAWS

Argh!
SHE SQUEALS

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CHEERS
Hello!

Welcome! Welcome, everyone.
I'm Greg Davies. This is Taskmaster.

We reach the halfway point
at the end of today's show,

then the downhill race begins

as five people hurtle towards
the ultimate career goal

of becoming a Taskmaster champion.
They can't aim any higher than that,

because the next rung on the ladder

is the position
of Taskmaster himself,

and for that they'll have to wait,
because my doctor tells me

that if I continue with
my current lifestyle,

I'm going to live for
up to four more years.

LAUGHTER
The five adversaries tonight are...

Iain Stirling!
CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Joe Thomas, Lou Sanders,

Paul Sinha and Sian Gibson!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

And now for a man I hate.

Oh! I'm sorry.
That is the wrong word.

And now for a boy with wonky teeth,
that I hate.

It's... IN SQUEAKY VOICE:
..little Alex Horne!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE
Thank you.

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

I've designed a game for you.
Have you? Yep.

Do you wanna play it? Yep.
It's called What's In My Pocket.

Right. What do you think's
in my pocket, Greg?

That's the pocket.
From my knowledge of you

over a period of eight years,
my guess is,

the sort of thing you would have
in your pocket is another pocket.

Yes. Yes, you got it.
LAUGHTER

I genuinely didn't know! I gen-...

Oh! Do you want another game of
What's In My Pocket?

Yeah, sure.
What do you think's in THIS pocket?

It would be too obvious
for it to be another pocket.

LAUGHTER
No, it is another pocket.

It's another...
LAUGHTER

Do you want another go,
another game of What's In My Pocket?

It'll be some play on "pocket".
Pocket watch?

Well, pretty much.
It's a locket, little locket.

Locket, yeah.
Wanna play What's In My Locket?

Yeah. What do you think's
in the locket?

Another little pocket.
Another little pocket, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Right. Let's get today's prize task
happening, please. Certainly.

And today the contestants
have brought in...the best face.

OK. And today
we're going to start with...Lou.

It's the face of the baby
that we would have.

LAUGHTER

Or... Or perhaps WILL have.
Yes, or perhaps will have,

if I get five points.
Is that what it takes, Lou?

LAUGHTER
You'd be prepared...

to have a child with me
for five points.

OK.
LAUGHTER

OK.
It is he.

No, it's off.
LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Well done, Lou. Um, who's next? Paul.

I was vanity-searching
"Paul Sinha" plus "fat",

and found that there was somewhere
that sold these.

How big is it, Paul?
It's absolutely massive.

The face is two foot tall.
That was taken three years ago,

when I was over 14 stone.
I'm now 11 and a half stone.

So...
CHEERING / APPLAUSE

This is especially for Greg,

because in episode one,
his mum was in,

and his mum said to my agent,
"Can you ask Paul for some tips

on weight loss?
I think Greg needs it."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND EXCLAIMS

Mum!
LAUGHTER

Lovely. Who's next? Sian.

I've just got... It's that face.

Ahhh!

Now, this will split
the audience age-wise.

Who has no idea what f-...

AUDIENCE CHEERS
Iain! Joe!

I don't know who that is. I mean...

It's the Face.
It's Faceman from the A-Team.

Real name Templeton Peck.
Buzz, five points.

Yes. Do you know what his name is
in Taiwan?

No. No.
Oh! Not THAT good, are you?

LAUGHTER
T-... Tell him, Alex.

Well, we both know, don't we?
It's xiao bai.

It literally means a good-looking,
pampered and sleek man...

like me. It's a great face.
SIAN: Thanks.

Who's next? Er, Joe?

This is the face of, um, an animal,

er, called the blobfish.

Here it is. There it is.
LAUGHTER

That's what it looks like, and -
Like how your mum sees YOU, Greg.

LAUGHTER

You think?
Mum!

LAUGHTER

I like it cos I think it knows
that that's what it looks like.

LAUGHTER

They don't have any bones or teeth.
The main thing they do

is conserve energy.
Well, it is disgusting.

And it is a... What is it? What face?
Well, it's BEST face. Best face?

Interesting!

Iain? I've brought
my onesie from home.

Here it is.
LAUGHTER

What I don't like the idea of is,
if you were naked underneath that

and you unzipped it...
LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

I'm not naked underneath it.
I've got other...things.

Oh, yeah? What've you got?
No, I've got, like, er...

LAUGHTER

I've got, like, a T-shirt there.

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Fabulous.

You can do, like,
whatever you want with it, mate.

Got, like, er...
LAUGHTER / APPLAUSE

All of... This is the whole package.

Oh, well, that is...

LAUGHTER

I mean, it is quite light material,
isn't it? You really are...

Yeah. They're, um - You really are
bobbling around in there.

LAUGHTER
Are you going for the five?

Oh, well, that is incredible.
OK, one point to Joe, easy.

OK. Two points, er...

Oh, dear. Lou isn't gonna like this.
If it had been a better-looking baby,

and I thought
there was a future for us,

I would be giving you more points.
Two for Lou. Fortunately for Sian,

I was a massive fan of the A-Team,
and so I'm giving her three points

just for a picture of Face
from the A-Team.

OK. So, it's now between your face
and Paul Sinha's face. Correct.

In an act of, er,
absolutely disgusting ego...

LAUGHTER

I'm gonna put his big old face
in second place,

so a great day for him.
Iain takes five points!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Come on, then!
Get something happening!

I will get something happening,
of course.

This one involves that thing
you keep pouring in all my drinks -

sand!
LAUGHTER

Hello, Paul.
How do you do, Alex?

I'm OK. I'm gonna put this
through there. Is that all right?

My God, I'm only five foot!
Yes. Me, too.

Comfortable? Yes,
that's pretty comfortable. Yeah.

OK. Thank you, Joe. Good luck.

LAUGHTER

"Divert the sand
from bucket A into bucket B."

"You may not touch the sand.
You may not move the buckets."

You may not leave the room.

"Most sand diverted
into bucket B wins."

"Your time stops
when the sand stops."

S-Sand stops?

So, this goes through there.
Oh. Could you hold my tea, please?

No. What do you mean?
I'm not, um, authorised to...

Hang on about.
SHE LAUGHS

SHE LAUGHS
Right. What's the game here?

What is... What are...
I've got these.

Right. What... Oh...
Where's the clue?

LAUGHTER

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, no!
"You may not move the bucket."

"You may not leave the room."

I am lost.

APPLAUSE

ALL CHEER

What was going on in my head?
APPLAUSE

Can I just say, I think
this show is a bit heightist.

Heightist?
Cos that's the second task so far...

..where I've been at
a slight disadvantage.

Funnily enough,
it didn't even occur to me.

ALL LAUGH

Right. Let's see some stuff. OK.
Well, we're gonna start with Sian,

and also Joe Thomas. Here we go.

Oh, I see.
Thought there was sand in there.

SHE GRUNTS

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

HE SIGHS

LAUGHTER

I am making a pig's ear out of this,
aren't I?

There's got to be a way
that I can use a flip-flop.

LAUGHTER

Is that...

No, that don't work.

Up you come.

OK.

Interesting system!

Oh, my word!
How much sand is in there?

There's a bucket full of sand.
There's a lot of sand

in a bucket of sand, ain't there?

Pop that in there.
That's one way, isn't it?

I mean...
HE GRUNTS

That's what...
f*ck, that's made it worse!

There's a lot, isn't there?
I mean, is it...

Is it that sort of thing?

No, not really.

This is a f*cking disaster.

WHISTLE BLOWS
ALEX: Sand has stopped.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Happy with that.
Thank you, Sian.

Thanks.
Bye bye. Bye!

APPLAUSE

Sian, I think I've identified your
systematic approach to all tasks,

and I've written it down as this.
"Panic, then make do,

then panic."
LAUGHTER

That sums it up.
Joe. Um... Yeah.

I thought it was
a very precise start,

checking the sand with a spoon
to see the volume of sand we've got.

It's what you do first.
And then you just lost your mind!

You opted - I've jotted this down -

for mounting an egg cup
into a toilet roll.

LAUGHTER
Yeah. And then saying,

and I quote,
"Is it that sort of thing?"

LAUGHTER

I think I did have one
on the bottom, as well.

I couldn't work out why
I had one on each end.

He double-cupped it.
Yeah, for no reason at all.

But he did manage to convey
56 percent of the bucket's sand.

Did he?!
Yeah. Sian, 54 percent.

What? Oh, I'm very...
APPLAUSE

Sorry to end things so abruptly,
but...

AUDIENCE CHEERS

CHEERING / APPLAUSE
Hello!

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

In these uncertain times,
at least we can be sure...

it's the start of part two,
isn't that right, Alex?

I don't know, Greg. But what I do
know is that, before the break,

the rivals were trying to get sand
from bucket A into bucket B.

Next up - his name's Iain,
and he has a law degree.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Uh!

Oh, you... sh*t!
LAUGHTER

Oh... I've touched the bucket! Oh!

APPLAUSE

"You may not touch the sand.
You may not move the bucket."

MOVE the bucket!

I thought it said
"touch the bucket".

I absolutely moved that bucket.
LAUGHTER

I moved the bucket.

Can I move the bucket back?

I mean...

That was there, weren't it?
This has gone terribly wrong.

"You may not touch the sand."
Well, I've done that.

"You may not move the bucket."
Done that.

"You may not leave the room."
f*ck it, let's do that as well.

What a waste of everyone's time,
you IDIOT!

HE SLAMS DOOR

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Aside from the fact
you're gonna get no points for this,

I cannot fault that.
LAUGHTER

I'm a triple thr*at.

LAUGHTER
Who's next?

Next is a loophole!
Sorry. A Lou, Paul.

A Lou and Paul. We have...

GREG SIGHS

Egg cups, is it?
Well, that's what they look like.

I'm gonna make an idiot of myself.

Hey!

OK, OK, OK. The key is not to panic.

So, you reckon this is
the best method?

Can't think of anything better
at the moment. Mm.

Ooooooh!

Quite nice, that!

And I think it's just to do it
in a calm way.

You know, you don't need no drama.
No.

SHE INHALES / EXHALES DEEPLY

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

Sand has now stopped, Lou.
Thank you. Yes!

Looking at the things
that were offered...

..I just think the colander
was the biggest volume.

It's a shame
it's got all those holes in.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Paul...
HE LAUGHS

..I'm sort of intrigued, cos
you're such a logical, clever man.

I'm not a clever man.
We've established that now.

LAUGHTER
When you do the tasks,

Alex says you don't know how
the others have done. Quite right.

So I'm thinking, as long as
I get sand into the bucket,

then, at least some fuckwit's
gonna disqualify himself.

LAUGHTER

Er...guilty!
LAUGHTER

And then at least
I can get two points.

And he did get two points.
He got 23 percent of the sand, so...

Paul did?! ..less than half of
the others we've seen so far, but -

But I'm amazed it was that much.
Yeah!

Did I win?

LAUGHTER / APPLAUSE

Her method got 68 percent
of the sand... Yes!

..so Lou...gets five points!

And the other points...

So it's five points to Lou,
four to Joe, three to Sian,

two to Paul, incredibly,
zero to Iain.

Er, with that score,
Lou is in first place.

Iain and Joe are in last place,
joint, with five. Hey!

There we go.
APPLAUSE

Good! What now, baby? Oh,
I think you mean, "What OW, baby?"

Oh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ow!

Oh! Oh, sh*t. Oh!

You just caught me on the ear,
there, Paul. Oh, sorry.

That just caught me on the, um...
Are you all right?

Are you all right?
Yeah, no. It's fine. Welcome.

I do apologise, Alex.
I don't trust a thing you say, Alex.

I don't know what's going on now.
I'm getting nervous,

and there's, like, blood on that.

Oh, Christ.
HE LAUGHS

HE CHUCKLES
You clever man!

Oh!

"Make the most realistic injury
using food."

"You have five minutes
to choose your ingredients,

and ten minutes to make
your realistic injury."

"If two or more people use tomato
ketchup, they are disqualified."

I won't go THAT basic.
It's a challenging double-bluff,

isn't it?
LAUGHTER

Your time starts now. I'm going to
take on this double-bluff.

LAUGHTER / APPLAUSE

Who's first, please? Er, first
to cause edible damage is Lou!

CRICKETS CHIRR

What happens when you go out
with a belt that doesn't fit

and a hungry dog
wants to att*ck your leg?

BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC

DOG BARKING IN BACKGROUND

AUDIENCE GROANING / LAUGHING

Belt up, kids, or end up like
this idiot with noodles on his leg.

There you go! Aha!
APPLAUSE

Genuinely quite horrific!

I mean, slightly detracted from it
when you said, er,

"end up like this idiot
with noodles on his leg".

LAUGHTER
I thought they were maggots.

Yeah. It looks like magg-...
Looks like he's been there for days.

They will set in eventually.
Great start! OK.

Who's next?
How about Joe Thomas,

er, having a very unhappy birthday.
Mmm!

SOLEMN ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

Stay vigilant. Like, even if
you done a lot of birthdays,

don't get cocky. Don't get arrogant.

This can happen all too quickly.

This could happen before you even
know whether you're coming or going.

LAUGHTER
Once you have a few birthdays,

you get a bit arrogant.

I was jogging in,

showing off to some friends
I'd got round.

LAUGHTER

I've... I've tripped,

and the candles have gone into
my right eye.

Eeeeaaaarrrgh!

I've learned my lesson.

AUDIENCE GROANING / LAUGHING

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Incredibly impressive production
values on that safety video.

Yes.
The injury itself was fantastic.

It was made out of a cake.
It was a nice tasty injury.

Yeah! A sort of general message
about...stay humble...

Yeah. ..which I think is...take home
whether you have birthdays or not.

Yeah.
Which you... Well, which you would,

but even if you... Even if you
literally never age, stay humble.

LAUGHTER
Great! Lovely message, as well.

"Stay humble." Who's next? We're
gonna see Paul's gruesome attempt.

Hmm...

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE GROANING

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

I mean, Paul, it was a nice touch
with the crosswords.

Um, and I loved the acting
in the lead-up to the injury,

when he clearly had
a giant mouthful of ketchup.

"Hmm!"
LAUGHTER

"What is... What is the clue
for this crossword? Hmm!"

Rubbish!

Right. Looks like we've made it to
the end of part two, then.

Well done, us.
CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Welcome back!
It's the start part of three.

Hmm. I think you mean the start -
YOU DON'T CORRECT ME!

LAUGHTER

Right! I'd like Alex
to bring us up to speed,

and smile and wink
after every word he says

that's got an E in it.
LAUGHTER

Great!

Thanks, Greg. Er, before...

the...break...

um, it was injury going on -

Joe Thomas' birthday, ow!
Paul Sinha coughing blood a lot,

and Lou dog mouth thigh.
Now, Iain Stirling!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Eeearrrgh!

Why?!

Why have you done this to me?!

AUDIENCE GROANING

I can't feel my toes!

Agh!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS
I mean, horrific!

But I honestly think, if I was called
in to look at that injury,

I would go, "Oh, my God!"

"Are those baked beans?!"

Cos he sawed my leg off
with a baked-bean tin.

Ah! Oh! Oh, there IS some logic.
Mm!

Oh, there's always logic! Sometimes
it's more hidden than others.

LAUGHTER
Who's next, please?

Finally, it's Sian Gibson's attempt,

and she seemed
to genuinely enjoy this,

as you'll tell by her lovely cackle.
Here we go.

I'm chuffed with that!

See ya. Bye.

SHE GIGGLES

DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

It's absolutely horrific, obviously.
Disgusting injury.

Very convincing.
The only thing I was confused by

was the narrative.
Alex was writing,

fell on his pen
as he was eating a sandwich.

There was a lot of blood,
and a duck came past...

LAUGHTER

The duck was a scavenger after
Alex's clumsy writing accident.

Yes. She made it using,
basically, breakfast -

tomatoes, bread, brown sauce,
egg and sausages.

Yeah. That's the ingredients.
It's very hard to be mean

to anybody here... Oh, no, it isn't.

I give Paul Sinha one point for
spitting ketchup onto a newspaper.

I'm gonna give Sian five points,

and the other three, I'm gonna tie
them on four points each.

Five points to Sian! Well done!
CHEERING / APPLAUSE

MORE!

OK. Well, it's time to play Catch -
Team Catch! Ready?

THEY LAUGH
Oh, no!

GLASS BREAKS

LAUGHTER

Oh, hello.
Hiya. You all right?

Hello, Iain.
Hey, Alex.

Hello, Paul.
Hi, Alex.

Lou!
Hi. Hello.

I think he was most excited
to see ME.

There you go.
Thank you.

Shall I read it?
Yeah.

"Have a long-distance game of catch
with this beach ball."

"One team member must be filmed
in one location,

throwing the ball out of sh*t."
"Another team member

must then be filmed in another
location, catching the ball

and throwing the ball out of sh*t."
"Another team member

must then be filmed in
another location,

catching the ball correctly
and throwing the ball out of sh*t."

"Greatest distance apparently
covered by the beach ball wins."

"You have two months."
SHE LAUGHS

Wow! Two months?
"Your time starts now."

Do you wanna do it at home
with a pump?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh, no, Joe!

APPLAUSE

All right. Let's start with the team
of three - Iain, Lou and Paul.

Everyone!
ALL CHEER AND SHOUT

'Pass it around! Pass it around!
Pass it back to me!

'Pass it around! Jesus Christ!

THEY SHOUT AND LAUGH

'Thank you very much.

'Thank you very much.

LAUGHTER / CHEERING

Oh, God! Thank you!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Not bad! Tell me how many different
places there were.

The chain came to an end there,

because the ball didn't go out of
sh*t, and we ran out of people

to throw between the two. It had to
go to a different person every time.

But - There was no way
anyone could catch that,

cos it didn't leave the frame.
But there's another one of me,

in Edinburgh, with a kilt on!
It didn't leave the frame.

But I would say,
they've covered quite a distance.

Yeah?
In total, 10,557 miles.

Oh, right! OK. Now we're gonna see
Joe and Sian's video.

One!

Six!

Well done. You caught it.
Where are we?

'Oh, it's so great to be here with
you in Johannesburg, Sian.

'LAUGHTER
Or Birmingham.

Eight!

Nine!

Ten!

'Oh, well done for catching that
here in Malaysia.

Hey!

THEY LAUGH

Four.

Here we are...in New Zealand.

'LAUGHTER
Throw it, Sian.

'Live from New Zealand.
Great!

12.

APPLAUSE

Maybe I'm being suspicious, but...
LAUGHTER

..seems like you were just standing
with Romesh Ranganathan.

LAUGHTER
He does a lot of travel shows,

and I just popped along.
I mean, he does.

Yeah. I mean, Wales, New York,
Johannesburg, Tokyo, Wales,

Rome, Malaysia, Spain,
New Zealand, London.

That's quite, er, the mileage.

Is it?
LAUGHTER

If we dare to imagine

that...Sian and Romesh
may have been deceiving us,

have you worked out -
It would be Wales to London,

'to London to Wales, to London
to London to London to London
to London - 466 miles.

Right!
LAUGHTER

I mean, I would say
we'd got more footage from Paul,

and he travelled more than twice
the distance that you did,

just by himself. Do you wanna see -
Did he? Yes!

This is Paul playing catch
with himself around the country.

LAUGHTER

On it goes!

LIVELY BACKGROUND MUSIC

Thank you very much! On it goes.

APPLAUSE
That was so funny!

1,142 miles.

On his own? On his own.
LAUGHTER

I'll give Joe and Sian two points,
and the trio three points. OK.

But, and no-one's gonna argue with me
over this,

Paul Sinha gets a bonus point.
So, four points to Paul Sinha!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

What's next, Alex?
Er, OK. Here is a Taskmaster twist

on One Man And His Dog - at last.

Hello, Paul.
Hello, Alex.

Hello, Sian. Hiya!
LAUGHTER

OK. How are you?
Very well, actually, yeah.

Everything all right with you at
home, et cetera? What do you mean?

LAUGHTER
"Herd the most ping-pong balls

into the ping-pong pen."

It's about 36 metres away.

Wow!

'"You may only touch the ping-pong
balls with the basketball"...

That's that. .."the string"...
That's underneath.

.."or one little finger."

Sometimes you think your little
finger's stronger than it is.

You may not move the ping-pong pens.

So, I've got to get that over there?
ALEX: All the balls,

or as many as possible.

OK.
"You have ten minutes."

"Your time starts now."

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Shall we talk about
what constitutes a herd?

The verb "to herd" means
"to move in a group",

so we're hoping they would take
all hundred over in one go,

just shepherd them into
the other pen. Herd them in.

And we're gonna start with Joe
and Lou, herding ping-pong balls.

So, one way would be...

would be that sort of thing.
There's one. Good start.

You might even be tempted
to put one like that.

Just take those two down, initially.
I'm just gonna take these

while I'm thinking about it.
OK.

That'll be four.
Mm. Seven minutes left, Joe.

Oh, God! OK.

Well, that's two in.
Two minutes gone.

This is hopeless.
Do you have any scissors?

I can offer you scissors.

Hello, Joe.
Can I have scissors? Yes.

Can I cut the ball open? Ooh, yeah!

Ooh, yeah! Ah, yeah!

I need to cut it open
before it goes down, cos...

Why do you need to cut it open
before it goes down? Oh, I dunno.

LAUGHTER

Can you cut this last...
No, I'm a feminist.

Am I a feminist?
LAUGHTER

In there!
Here we go, baby!

Here we go, baby! It's quite cute,
how they all crowd at the edge.

How long is this? One minute 40.
OK. Let's get some of them...

No! No! NO!

Just...
Ah, it's just...

It's very hard to do
more than one at a time.

15 seconds.
In you pop.

Nine seconds.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Joe.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Lou.

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Tell you what, Lou - the thing is,

people say this is
a frivolous entertainment show,

and yet you started a feminist debate
halfway... Thank you.

Thank you. "I'm a feminist.
Am I a feminist?"

LAUGHTER
Um, Joe,

can I make a personal observation?
Go on.

In a lot of the previous tasks,

I've thought that you were, um,
spiralling into...

some kind of depression...
Yeah. ..and existential crisis.

Yeah. But you said, "All the
ping-pong balls look quite cute,

crowded round the edge of..."
This, um... This was good for me.

Yeah. Since then,
I actually do that twice a week now.

LAUGHTER

Statistics? Er, Joe, well over half
of them in the other pen.

51 percent.
Wow! Lou...

She also got 51 percent! Lou!
Oh! Whoa!

Isn't that weird? So weird.

It's the last link-to-break
for series eight, episode five.

What a moment!
So, please, rather than applause,

can we all just...sigh?

ALL EXHALE NOISILY

CHEERING / APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome back!

Now, where were we?
So, before the break,

they were trying to herd
table-tennis balls

from a pen at one end of a platform
into a pen at the other end.

Here are Paul Sinha,
Iain Stirling and Sian.

SHE SIGHS
Is the basketball a red herring?

No, it's a... It's a basketball.

LAUGHTER
SHE LAUGHS

Ten minutes...there to there.

You do it like that.

I'm not gonna go crazy.
I'm just gonna do a few at a time.

I've lost one.
We're goin' individual!

That's half your time gone.
Brilliant!

Oh! Oh!
Oh, Jesus, I'm not even halfway.

This is pure, unadulterated speed!

98 left, Iain.
How many is that?

98 left.
Oh!

LAUGHTER

No touching of hands.
It's just the string.

Just the string, is it?

Oh!
SHE LAUGHS

Argh!
HE GRUNTS

Just gonna do this now, and take two.

WHISTLE BLOWS
APPLAUSE

40 seconds.
HE GRUNTS / BREATHES HEAVILY

Have I got time for two more?
You've got 50 seconds. Oh!

Last one! Last one!

WHISTLE BLOWS
No! Put the ball down!

No!

Oh, I was disappointed, but...

I've never worked
with ping-pongs before.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

I sort of feel like
we've just seen a documentary

about sheepdogs at opposite ends
of their life-cycle.

ALL LAUGH

It's really hard!

There's just too many ping-pong
balls, and they're very, very light.

LAUGHTER

I just had no idea
you could ask for other stuff.

I didn't even begin to think
you could just go,

"Oh, can I have a pair of scissors?"
We did offer you scissors as well.

We genuinely did.
Everyone got an offer of them

for cutting the string.
I'm sorry, Paul.

My concerns are more fundamental.

I don't know why you didn't think
to go a bit faster!

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't change...
I wouldn't change anything.

I would do the same again,
but quicker.

He did 11 trips up and down -
not always just with one ball,

sometimes with two.
HE LAUGHS

He covered over a kilometre.

You got 27 balls. Sian, eight!
Whoo-hoo!

And Paul got...the ball!
The one ball.

LAUGHTER / APPLAUSE
Certainly did.

Oh... Oh, no!
I've just remembered something.

Yeah. We haven't factored in
my special ball.

No. We haven't factored in
his special ball.

SIAN GASPS

AUDIENCE GROANING

OK. I might just do this lot,
and then...

No! No! NO!
WHISTLE BLOWS

AUDIENCE GROANS
It does... It does change things.

Don't tell me I herded that ball.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER / APPLAUSE

No. Only Joe and Lou herded
the special one,

so they go down
from 51 to 25 and a half,

which means Iain, with 27...
Whoa! ..gets five points!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS

Up you go for the final task
of the show!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Alex? Greg?
What is the final task of the show?

Who's gonna read it for us?
Iain Stirling, please.

Oh, lovely.
Off you go, Iain.

"Recreate the scene in the box.
You will parade past it once,

and must be touching the person
in front of you

throughout the parade. Most accurate
scene-recreation wins."

"You have 200 seconds
after the parade."

So, if everyone could take
one step backwards...

Do you want me to do
some parade music? Yes, please.

# Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da,
da-da-da dah, dah, dah...

SIAN SQUEALS

GREG CONTINUES TO SING

GREG LAUGHS / CONTINUES TO SING

You must touch me at ALL times,
thank you.

Thank you. Back to your places.
Oh. Oh.

And that is the end of the parade.
LAUGHTER

You have 200 seconds, starting now!
HE BLOWS WHISTLE

SIAN: Oh! What's going on? Quick!
You wanna get Paul to tidy those up.

LAUGHTER

Struggling, Joe?
Little bit.

Well... Oh, my God. Right.
Come on, then. There we are.

I don't remember it!
LAUGHTER

I did parade you past it. You were
at the front! You went too quick,

and they were all got longer!
They were all got longer!

LAUGHTER
Oh, where's my ball gone?

Paul, how confident do you feel
at this stage?

You know me.

LAUGHTER
Do you like abstract art?

If you're doing it, I do.
Quick!

AUDIENCE SHOUTS AND EXCLAIMS
Five, four...

AUDIENCE JOINS IN: Three, two, one!

ALEX BLOWS WHISTLE
Step away! Step away.

Please come down here,

and let's see how that's affected
the final scores.

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Right!
All good? Yeah.

Yeah. Shall I show you what
the scene was in the box

first of all?
LAUGHTER

So, they were trying to replicate
that scene, Greg.

This is what they did.

LAUGHTER

I think it's worth
looking at Joe's first.

He's drawn in the pockets,
wrapped the pump...

No-one was expecting him
to use the pump.

I'm thinking you really like
that one. I'm very keen on it.

It was just the way you said
"wrap the pump".

LAUGHTER
It is good, though, Joe. It is.

Iain's next. OK.
Boom! Smashed it.

LAUGHTER

It's very clearly a good
representation of the picture,

but Joe did some lovely pockets,
so clearly it's not AS good.

LAUGHTER
Paul next. All right.

LAUGHTER
A little boat...

It's quite a jump down!
LAUGHTER

Oh, my God! I've got three balls
in the correct positions.

I mean, it's not an unpleasant
picture to look at, is it?

LAUGHTER
We can see Lou next. OK.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, now... Now...

That looks like a poo
under some traffic lights to me.

LAUGHTER

Christ!
APPLAUSE

..here is Sian Gibson's attempt.

LAUGHTER
It's quite confusing, that one.

I didn't work out that
the green bit was the paper!

No way!
LAUGHTER

Have you noticed the triangle, the
pink, circular triangle? Triangle.

Yes, with an interesting...
Yes! ..additional probe on it,

isn't it?

OK. I'm gonna give five points
to...Joe.

I'm giving four points to Iain,
and I'm going to give the others

an incredibly charitable
two points each. Sold!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE
Yes. Thank you.

OK. It's one of
the closest episodes so far.

We have Joe and Lou tied
in second place,

but the winner,
with 21 points, is Iain!

Ohhhh!
CHEERING / APPLAUSE

Iain Stirling is the winner!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE
Please go and fetch your faces!

What have we learned today?

We've learned that if Quentin
Tarantino is running out of ideas

for his next violent film, he only
needs to get a bottle of ketchup

and call Paul Sinha's agent.
He goes... "Buh-boh, boh, buh!"

But also we've learned that
Iain Stirling has won!

Well done again to him, and I look
forward to seeing you next time.

I really do! Goodbye!

CHEERING / APPLAUSE

HE SPEAKS UNDER APPLAUSE