01x15 - A.K.A. Kansas

[bunniefuu]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ It throws the boys
off balance ♪

♪ And I've got
hidden talents ♪

♪ Abound ♪

♪ So I'm gonna ♪

♪ Spread it around ♪

[APPLAUSE]

No one's allowed backstage.

[COUGHING]

Thanks.

Since when
do you have to knock?

What are you--

Doc.

Hello, Dixie.
Long time.

What's the matter, Dixie?

I'm just
a little surprised,
that's all.

Oh, boy, you look beautiful.

Even better than I remember.

Look, I don't
have much time.

Somebody's chasing me.

I didn't get
a look at him.

I think
he's a bounty hunter.

Anyway, John Bly's going
to pay me $1 million

to pull a job,
the biggest ever.

After that, I'm done.
I'm retiring to South America.

I want you
to come with me.

I want us
to be together forever.

I can't.
Sure you can.

Just think about it, Dixie.

Think about what we had,
how things were.

[KNOCKING][BRISCO] Open up!

Go! Doc, please.

You know where
to find me, Dixie.

I'll be there for a week.

Open the door!

That was Doc McCoy,

one of the men
who k*lled my father.

What was he doing
in your room?

He's...
my ex-husband.

Good evening, sir.

Can I help you?

Uh...no.
I must have
the wrong place.

I'm looking for a guy
named Bowler.

Lord Bowler?

Yeah, that's right.

You are correct,
sir.

This is
his lordship's
residence.

May I ask
who's calling?

Brisco County, Jr.

Mr. County, sir?
Oh, good heavens.

His lordship's
faithful companion.

Do please
come in, sir.

Shall I announce you, sir?

Uh, yeah.
You do that.

Uh, your hat, sir.

Thank you, sir.

[RINGING]

Brisco, welcome
to my humble abode.

You got to be
kidding me.

What was you expecting,
a dive?

I've been making a heck
of a living lately--

5,000 here, 10,000 there.

These bounties add up.

Truth is, Brisco,

meeting you's
the best thing

that ever happened to me.

So what is all this, uh,
Lalique crystal or...

Everybody knows
Lalique is frosted.

That's Baccarat.

Oh.

So what brings you here
at this late hour?

Doc McCoy.
I just saw him.

You're kidding.

Nobody's seen him

since he broke out
of the train with Bly.

I was hot
on his trail,
Bowler,

I was that close
to nailing him,

and then
I ran across Dixie.

Huh?

Excuse me,
your lordship, sir.

Mr. Socrates Poole
is here to see you.

Show him in, Reginald.

Reginald?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

Bowler,
this place is incredible.

Yeah, it's not bad
for a starter home.

What are you
doing here, Soc?

Doc McCoy.

Yeah, we know.

You heard he broke
Rita Avnet out of prison?

No.
That's a new twist.

Who's Rita Avnet?

She was
the secretary for
the robber barons.

She had access to their most
confidential dealings.

So McCoy must have
traded Rita
her freedom

for some kind
of information.

Oh, that Rita.

The one that you, uh,
took out for coffee.

Look,
the fact that she and I

had a personal relationship
very briefly

can't be the reason
she broke out.

I mean,
at least I hope not.

What do you mean?

Well,

she's been
writing me letters
from prison.

Why?

Why? I don't know why.

She keeps writing
that she's going

to find me
no matter what.

I don't mind telling you,
I feel a little nervous.

Well, there's
got to be someplace
you can hide.

Oh, alright.

If it makes you
feel any better,

you can lay low here

while we go after McCoy.

Just don't mess
with my crystal.

Nope.

I was only 17
when I met Doc.

He was charming
and handsome
and older.

I fell in love
with him.

It was only after
we were married

I realized
who he really was.

Well, why didn't you
tell me sooner?

Well, it was
a long time ago.

I don't think
I should have

to carry my mistakes
around with me

my whole life.

Alright.
Fair enough.

I know why
you brought me here.

You want my help
in getting him,
right?

Yes.

We don't want
to get just him,
though, Dix.

If he's pulling
this job off,

it means he can lead us
straight to Bly.

What exactly
do you want me
to do?

Help us get into his g*ng.
See, he trusts you.

I'll help,

but for me
as much as for you.

Doc scares me.

I wasn't happy
seeing him,

but know something,
Brisco.

I left the life,
not the man.

You understand?

Uh, yeah, I think I do.

I hope so.
I don't want this
to affect us.

I don't either.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Madam, this is
a private club.

Then why don't you go
into your clubhouse

and tell Doc
that Dixie Cousins
is here to play?

Dixie Cousins?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.

Please, follow me
right in.

The robber barons
have been developing

a new
long-range super cannon
for the army.

Now, thanks
to my breaking

a pretty little jailbird
out of her cage,

I know where it is.

Is that what Bly wants?

No,
but it'll help us
get what he wants.

Excuse me, Doc.

I'm a happy man.

Hello, Doc.

You remember
Mongoose, Dixie.

Still keeping
the same company, I see.

Surprised to see you,
Dixie.

Heard you'd gotten
too good for us.

b*at it, Mongoose.

I'm going to bet you

this $20 gold piece.

[WOMAN]
I got some beautiful fabric
for a dress.

[MAN]
I don't know,
son.

Alright,
who wants in on this?

I say my man here
goes 6 for 6 blindfolded.

Step right up.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Okay, okay.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Alright,
now where are
those bottles?

Okay, okay,
let's get on
with it.

There you go,
right over there...

in front of you.

Are you sure?

For some reason,
I get the feeling

I should be pointed
this way.

You milk this
anymore,

and I'm going to
have to get you

a white cane
for Christmas.

Just having a little fun.
Is he watching?

Oh, yeah.
He's licking
his chops.

Okay, here goes.

Ha Ha Ha!
Will you look at that?

I got all six.

Sometimes I even
impress myself.

You want
a little cheese
with that ham?

Alright, now where's
that $20 gold piece
I just won?

[g*nsh*t]

How about betting
some real money

on some real sh**ting?

That's fine by me,

and what's your name, sir?

Mongoose.That fits you to a tee.

One thing, Mongoose--

a little lesson
I learned down south

a while back.

You got to have money
to bet money.

Spurzem.

He's going to learn you
a lesson, boy.

I look forward to it.

Uh, my associate here,
Mr. Echohawk,

will keep our half
of the wager.

Alright, Mongoose,
how does this sound?

I pick a sh*t
and we both make it,

then you pick a sh*t
and we both make it,

and we keep doing that
till somebody misses, okay?

That's fine with me.

Mr. Echohawk,
for my first sh*t

I'm going to need
two large cast-iron
skillets.

Huh?

I can't tell you
how glad I am
you came, Dixie.

I didn't come because
I made up my mind,

And I won't be pressured
into anything.

I understand.

There's a lot of water
under the bridge.

All I said was
I'm glad you came.

Doc.

What do you want?

Excuse me, but you're not
going to want to miss

what's going on outside.

Well, I think

the idea is pretty
simple here,
Mongoose.

You line up
the cast-iron
skillets

where you want them,

and then
bing, bang, bing,

you ricochet
your b*llet
off the pans

and right through
this bottle here.

That shouldn't be
too hard

for a man
of your skills.

You first.

Absolutely.
Ahem.

Uh, sir,
could you move
your pan

just a little bit
to the left?

Ahh!

And you, sir,
could you move
your skillet

a little bit
to the right?

No, no, no,
the other right.

Ahh!

Good.

Okay.

Here goes.

[APPLAUSE]

Your sh*t, Mongoose.

Tell him to move
his frying pan
to the left.

A little to the left.

Tell him a little
to the right.

A little to the right.

Dang it!

Oh, I guess your mistake

was you didn't tell him
to move.

We're going
another round,

and I'll
make it simple.

I line up,
you line up,

and we draw.

First b*llet reaches
the other guy...

wins.

I'm calling you out.

This should be
interesting.

You don't know
the half of it.

Excuse me
for a minute.

Dixie,
what are you doing?

You don't walk
in the middle
of a gunfight.

Oh, I just wanted to say hi
to my good friend here

and bye to you,
Mongoose.

I hope it's not too hot
where you're going.

Stop by
after the gunfight,
Kansas.

We'll catch up.

Kansas?

Did you say
his name was Kansas?

Well, that's right.
Kansas Wily Stafford.

Now that you two
have been properly
introduced,

I'll let you
get back to work.

Hey, hey, hey.
Wait a minute.

I'm not--I'm not drawing

against no
Kansas Wily Stafford.

This man k*lled five men
in a gunfight.

Six.

Actually it was seven,

but who's counting?

Hey, you know what?

Uh, you won
the last round,

and, uh, those
are the rules.

I'll take that.

I got
a mighty big mortgage,

and every
little bit helps.

Kansas Wily Stafford,
huh?

Kansas,
meet Doc McCoy.

Your reputation
precedes you.

So does yours.

Hey, look at this.

Not bad for
10 minutes work,
huh?

Who's he?

None of your business.

This is Joe Echohawk.

He's my, uh...

faithful companion.

Kansas Wily Stafford
ain't got no sidekick.

He works alone.
Everybody knows that.

Come to think of it,

he's a righty, too.

Are you calling me
a liar?

I guess I am.

Well, then I guess you're
calling me a liar, too.

You're not calling
my wife a liar,
are you, Mongoose?

Ex-wife.

Apologize...

or I'll sh**t you dead
right here.

I apologize, Kansas.

[LAUGHING]

So, Kansas, you going
to be in town a while?

If there's a reason.

Well, there might be.

Hello, Socrates.

Rita, what are you
doing here?

I broke out
of prison.

I know that.

I mean,
why did you come here?

Why have you
been writing me?

Why do you
want to see me?

You don't get it,
do you?

I'm in love with you.

Oh, good grief.

Rita...

you're
a convicted felon,

and now you're
an escaped con.

I was only in prison
for a few months,

but long enough to know

that it's not
the place for me.

Rita, you can't
just say,

"I don't like jail.
I'm leaving."

I know that
we didn't get off
on the right foot,

but we can start over.

We can't.
Yes, we can.

No, we can't.
Don't
reject me.

I'm late
for a meeting, Rita.

Why don't we make
a date for dinner
tomorrow,

and we'll talk about it
some more.

What's wrong
with tonight?

It's going to be
a very long meeting.

Meet me tomorrow
at Stanyon's,

say 8:00?

[GIGGLES]

Don't stand me up.

Heh.

Hey, Doc wants you
to meet him at 8:00,

ready to ride.Ride where?

If Doc
wants you to know,
he'll tell you.

Then maybe we should be
talking to Doc.

You talk to me.

We don't work
that way, Mongrel.

It's Mongoose.

I got my eye on you,
Kansas,

or whoever you are.

I think Mongoose
smells a rat.

I think
you're right.

You seen
Dixie around?

Yeah, she's
with McCoy. Why?

Ah, just wondering.

Wonderin' if you
should've involved her
in this?

I don't know.
Yeah, maybe.

You know, Brisco,

if you're worried
about her,

we can just grab Doc
and take him in.

No, I want to
find out what his plan is,

and I want catch Bly.

Bird in the hand,
Brisco.

Well, Dixie
can handle McCoy.

I hope you're right.

What's this?

Just a romantic
little picnic,
Dixie, that's all.

One thing I'll say
about you, Doc,

you always had style.

I'm glad to see
your memories of me

aren't all bad.

I never said
they were.

Good.

You like champagne,
don't you?

You're not trying
to get me drunk,
are you?

Well, it worked the time
we took that gondola ride
together, didn't it?

I wasn't drunk
when you proposed,

just naive.

Why'd you walk out
on me, Dixie?

Well, maybe finding out
you're a wanted k*ller

had something
to do with it.

But you never stopped
loving me, did you?

What do you think?

I think there
aren't many men

who respect you
the way I do,

who know that you're more
than almost any man's equal.

I still love you, Dixie.

How can I separate you
from what you've done?

Well, look at it this way.

In two days,

it'll be what I did.

I'll do whatever it takes
to get you back again, Dixie.

Doc, no.

Dixie.
Dixie, wait!

You don't have
to run away from me.

All you have
to do is look me
in the eye

and tell me you
don't have feelings
for me anymore.

I can't.

3 degrees left!

2 degrees vertical!

Yes, sir!

Fire!

Quite a show.

That must be a mile away
from the target.

2 miles actually.

That's the army's
secret super cannon.

That thing is going
to revolutionize

the way that wars
are fought.

Battles will be
won and lost
over a long distance.

Yeah, the future
sure looks bright.

So, Kansas,
how'd you like
to make $5,000

for a couple
of days' work?

Why not?

Fire!

Tomorrow the army
will pack the g*n up

to take it back
to the fort.

That's when we grab it.

You and Mongoose will
drive the decoy wagon.

Your job is
to lose the posse

while we take
the real g*n back
to the rendezvous point.

So, Doc,
what are we going
to use that big g*n for?

Well, Kansas,
I'll tell you.

That's none of
your damn business.

Come on, Dixie.

Whoa.

Mr. Poole.

I'm still
U.S. Attorney Breakstone.

Thank you for coming.

Mr. Poole,
what problem

needs my urgent attention
at this hour?

I need protection.

You see,
U.S. Attor--

Mr. Break--

this is silly.

I'm Socrates.
What's your first name?

Ginger, but that's on
a need-to-know basis.

Ginger?

That's right.
Ginger.

Well, let's get
to the point, Ginger.

It has to do
with a wanted fugitive--

Rita Avnet.

We're looking for her.
You know her whereabouts?

Not specifically,
no, but she has
contacted me.

Why?

Well,

she claims
she is obsessively
in love with me.

I'm sorry.

You'll forgive me
for laughing.

But you're not laughing.

Trust me.

On the inside I am.

This woman
is stalking me.

She's
an escaped prisoner.

I demand
government protection!

Mr. Poole,
the U.S. Government is not
your personal plaything

to play practical jokes on,

like ringing the doorbell
and running.

You don't believe me?

She's meeting me
for dinner tomorrow.

Show up at Stanyon's
at 8:00.

You can
arrest her there!

If you'll excuse me,

I'm late for the ballet.

Breakstone,
you've got to believe me!

Ginger!

Hyah! Hyah!

What the hell
did you do that for?

I don't believe
in k*lling a man
unless I have to.

Come on!
Let's move it!

Get up here.

Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah.

There they go.

Hyah!

Okay.

Hyah!

You know,
I don't care much

about who I k*ll.

See, something about you
didn't sit right with me
from the very beginning,

so I telegraphed
a pal of mine in Stockton

who knows
Kansas Wily Stafford,
knows him real good.

And as it turns out,

the real
Kansas Wily Stafford

was sitting
right there with him
in the saloon.

Isn't that lucky?

Now, after I k*ll you,
I'm gonna k*ll Dixie, too.

Now, I know Doc's going to be
a little bit disappointed

that she set him up,

but that's the way
it goes, huh?

Ha Ha Ha.

I guess there's a lesson
somewhere in here

about ex-wives.

Better luck to you
in your next life,

Kansas, or whoever
the hell you are.

Hyah!

[g*nsh*t]

[GRUNTING]

Aah!

Hey!
Whoa.

[MAN]
Dismount!

Fan out, men.

Take a look.
I'll take the plank.

Just keep lookin'!

Come on!

Mongoose,
where's Kansas?

Just north
of Oklahoma,

but I guess
what you're really
asking me

is where's
your friend?

Hyah! Go!

Well, he's
in the army now.

That was close,
Brisco.

What happened?

Mongoose
found out about me.

You okay?

I'm not sure.

Doc!

Get your hands
off her, Kansas.

I don't see
a ring on her finger.

Doc, please,
it was nothing.

Where's Mongoose?

He didn't make it.

Now, why doesn't
that surprise me?

I don't know.

You tell me.

Look, can we get this show
on the road?

Cavalry's
a*tillery units

gonna be
breathing down our necks
any second.

Let's go.

You look terrific,
Dix.

Thanks.

Alright,
now all you have to do

is get McCoy
to tell you

what he's going to do
with that big cannon.

And that shouldn't be
too difficult.

No? Then you
wear the dress.

Alright.
Here he comes.

Oh, Brisco,
I'm scared.

This is turning out

to be harder
than I thought
it was gonna be.

Well, I don't
like this either, Dixie,

but there's a lot
at stake.

Tell me about it.

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Not a thing.

Give us a minute,
would you, Dixie?

What's up, Doc?

You're smart enough
to understand something.

Dixie's my woman.

Now, we're going to go out
and have a nice dinner.

Then we're going upstairs
to spend the night.

You get the picture?

Clear as can be.

Good. I just wanted
to make sure.

Enjoy yourself tonight,
Kansas.

Excuse me.
Ohh!

But didn't we have a date?

Rita...

I waited three hours.

Y-you better leave.

U.S. Attorney
Breakstone...

Didn't believe
a word you said.

I was watching.

The butler...

Left over an hour ago.

It's just you and me,
Socrates...

alone at last.

I--I don't know
how to tell you,

but it's not
just going to work
between us.

Uhh!

If I can't have you,
no one will.

Rita, for God's sake!
Put the g*n down!

[g*n COCKS]

[g*nsh*t]

No! Not the crystal!

Come on, Socrates.
Take it like a man.

You'll never understand
the kind of love

that we could've had.

If you k*ll me,
I won't.

I warned you
not to reject me.

Uhhnn!

Aah!

You know...

it might take some time,

but you're going to learn
to appreciate me.

Rita, trust me.

You shouldn't be dating
for a while.

Morning, Miss Dixie.

Morning, Bowler.

Brisco.

Sleep well?

As a matter of fact,
I did. Thank you.

Doc's going
to be in in a minute,

so I have to talk fast.

I found out he's going
to use the cannon
to get the orb.

The orb?

Of course.
What else?

Did he say
where it was?

A town called
Nowhere, Nevada

not far from here.

The government
took it off the map,

filled it
with scientists,

and turned it into
a research facility.

Nobody can
within a mile of it.

Unless they got
the super cannon.

Well, I found out
he's going to use the g*n
to fire knockout gas

into the town,
ride in, get the orb,

and rendezvous with Bly.

We better
get there first.

Aw, well, thanks
for the information,
Dixie.

How far did you have
to go to get it?

You want to
know something,
why don't you ask?

Uh, check, please.

Why don't you
just answer?

Did I sleep with him? No.

Oh, waiter.

I knew this was going
to have an affect on us.

This is great.
You know, you're the one

who put me
up to this, remember?

Well, you wanted
in on this

just as much as I did.

Well, I'm glad I came
and you know why?

Because I found out
the truth.

And the truth is
you care more about
getting Bly

than anything.

Certainly me.

That's not true, Dix!

Goodbye, Kansas.

Oh, don't go just yet,
Dixie.

I want you all to meet
an old friend of yours.

Especially you, Kansas.

Say hello to thereal
Kansas Wily Stafford.

I can't believe
you did this to me.

They're yours
until I get back.

I got a job to do.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

It had to be
Kansas Wily Stafford.

200 gunslingers
out there,

you had to pick the one
who wants to show up

and set the record
straight.

Got any more
brilliant ideas,
Brisco?

Yeah.

I just might.

Uh, hey, Kansas.

What do you want?

Listen, uh...

I'm sorry about
impersonating you,
Kansas.

No offense.

Soon as the Doc gets back,

I'm going to k*ll you.

Other than that,

no offense taken.

What is
he doing?

Who knows?

Well, you know, actually,

I did you some good,
Kansas.

Did you hear about
that sh**ting contest
I had with Mongoose?

Yeah.

Well, as far as anyone's
ever going to know,

it was the real
Kansas Wily Stafford
who won.

So?

Well, I mean,

there's a lot
of other gunfighters

I could've been
impersonating.

Uh, Ringo Kid,
Johnny Shaleen.

But let's face it,

it's your reputation
that makes men tremble.

True enough.

Hey, uh, you know,
I heard about that scar

on your left hand.

You got that
when you took out
that gunslinger

in Wichita.

Dodge.Oh, yeah. Dodge.

When you--when you took out
that guy, uh...

oh, what's his name?

b*llet took out nearly
every bone in my hand.

No kidding.

Can you still wiggle
your fingers alright?

Except for
when it rains.

Then it gets
kind of achy.

Yeah?
Ooh, let me see.

Oh, look at that.

Uhh!

Bowler, what'd you have
to go and do that for?

I was going to
talk our way out this.

I was getting bored.

[KEYS JINGLE]

Just answer me
one question, Dix.

Do you still love him?

Well, that's not
a simple question.

Well, actually it is.

It just might not have
a simple answer.

Look, you got a job to do,
so go do it.

Go get your man.

Well, what are you
waiting for?

She's right.

What the hell
are you waiting for?

Three degrees south!

Two degrees east!

[BUZZING]

Fire!

Fire!

Take cover!

God, I love it
when it does that.

Mount up!

Spread out,
find the orb.

Who are you anyway?

Brisco County, Jr.

Well, well.

I guess I shouldn't
be surprised.

I mean,
after all,

you are
your father's son.

Thanks for
the compliment.

I'll tell you what does
surprise me, though.

Finding out
we're in love
with the same woman.

Life's funny that way.

I hate to be greedy,
but I saw her first.

Yeah, but she dumped you,
remember?

And now she betrayed you.

I can forgive her
for her sins.

Can you?

As soon as
I take care of you.

To tell you the truth,
Brisco, without Dixie,

I don't care
if I live or die.

I figure we'll both go.

Poor Dixie.

What's she
going to do then?

On three, Brisco.

1...

2...

Alright, Doc.

I give up.

Aah! Ow!

I don't believe this.

Uh...

Is this real?

As real as you...

since I'm you.

We're just in
different times.

I used the orb here
to, uh...

pay you
a little visit
from the future.

You're in the future...

talking to me now?

Yeah.

It's kind of like
a telegraph
through time.

Right.

What do you want?

First, I just want
to tell you

you're on
the right track.

You protected
this orb here,

which I need.

Now, you need to find
the one remaining orb,

the one that's
with Professor Coles.

You know, you sound
all the other people

who keep telling me stuff
about this orb.

Well, look at
the bright side,

once you get
to where I am now,

you'll have
a lot more answers.

You're just going
to have to trust me.

And if you can't trust
me, who can you trust?

Alright.
Now, step back.

This orb is history.

Until we meet again.

You get the orb?

I guess I did.

Welcome home, milord.

Thank you, Reginald.

I trust you got
the bad guys.

Bowler, congratulations
on landing McCoy.

Well, you look
completely exhausted.

I'll let you get
right to bed.

Thanks for letting me
stay in your house.
Goodnight.

Whoa, whoa.

How'd everything
go around here, Poole?

Here?

Oh, yeah.
Sure. Fine. Bye.

Wait a minute.

What happened
to my plate?

Well, looks like a flaw
in the manufacturing.

I'd checked the warranty.

[GASPS]

Not my Lalique.

I was planning
on telling you.

When?

It was Rita!
She went insane!

For God's sake,
Bowler,

I was fighting
for my life!

Do you realize
how much this costs?

This is
a collector's item!

Look, maybe I'll
just come back

when you're
a little calmer.

Oh, you better
bring your wallet.

There, there,

there, there,
sir.

Now...

I do realize this is
a terrible tragedy,

but may I suggest
that we maintain

a little dignity,
sir?

Hmm?

Dixie, I want
to apologize.

I never should've
used you to get to Doc.

That was a mistake,
and I'm--I'm sorry.

Well, don't be.

You got him,
and that's good
for everybody.

Yeah, except us.

Oh, we don't count.

Brisco,
what are we
going to do?

Well, that seems
to be the eternal
question for us.

I'm not a back-up singer.

I need to be center stage,
and with Bly out there,

I can't have that
with you.

Well, it's not going
to be forever.

I'm talking about now.

I'm also not very good

at handling
the emotional
ups and downs

of waiting for you.

Well, Dix,
I wish things
were different.

I wish we lived
in a perfect world

where guys
like John Bly
didn't exist,

but the fact of the matter
is he does.

I got a job to do,
and that's to get him,

and I got to get it done.

I hope when you do,
you come looking for me.

I will.

Back at that monastery
where you grew up, right?

Tell yourself that.

Dix...

there's something
I got to say.

I, uh...

doggone it.
I--I love you.

Don't say it.
I said it.

I love you, too.

Hey, Dix...

look.

Let's get
our picture taken.

We'll take one, sir.
Here you go.

Photography
is incredible,

how in--
how in one second

you can capture
a whole moment
forever.

That's exactly
what I want to do.

How do you want
to remember me?

Just the way you are, Dix.