BIG PETE:
Once upon a time around here...
( rumbling )
I am one with the ball.
The ball is one with me.
( grunts )
...way before the Industrial
Revolution made it possible
for man to swing
a graphite composite shaft
at a super-compressed,
fluid core golf ball,
there were bears...
grizzly bears.
Or if you want to go
by their Latin name...
They roamed this region
for thousands of years,
scarfing salmon,
protecting their cubs,
and basically just being bears.
There aren't any bears
around here anymore.
They're extinct.
The species
that's replaced them
goes by the scientific name...
Or as they're also known...
They roam the region
in System 6000 Rangemobiles,
scooping balls
for a whopping $3.50 an hour.
They are the lowest life form
on the planet.
Even amoebas laugh
at rangeboys.
I didn't want the job,
but unfortunately,
the guy who runs the place,
my dad,
wouldn't take no for an answer.
That year alone,
he had lost ten rangeboys.
Some had quit,
some had been injured,
and some had just
lost their mind.
As for me, Dad hoped
the job would help me
get to know the business,
and maybe bring us
a little closer.
I saw it as a way
to become extinct
just like the grizzly bears
that came before me.
Subtitle Rip: uNCeNSoReD
? Hey, smilin' strange ?
? You're lookin'
happily deranged ?
? Can you settle to sh**t me ?
? Or have you picked
your target yet? ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Don't you talk back ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Don't you talk back ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Don't you talk back ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy, hey. ?
This is me taking
the back way to work.
I wasn't afraid of being k*lled
or going insane.
That I could handle.
I was afraid of something
far worse:
Total humiliation.
If anybody I knew found out
that I was working
for my dad as a lowly rangeboy,
the gossip horn
would be blowing
from every pool top, spreading
the news far and wide.
In scientific terms,
I'd be dead meat.
My only hope was to avoid
all human contact.
Just stay in the cart,
never go to the bathroom,
and in a month,
it would all be over.
While I groveled in fear,
Pete was training Artie
to win the annual
long ball hitting contest.
( laughs ):
Beware the Duffer.
Beware the Duffer!
( laughs )
( speaking gibberish )
Oh!
Pete tried not to get
too cocky,
but it doesn't hurt
to have a superhero
who can hit the ball
into the next area code.
( phone rings )
MAN:
Hello.
Fore!
The only problem was that
when Artie's ballistic blast
went soaring
into the next county,
guess what pathetic dink
had to go find them.
Don't you think you're
being a little bit
paranoid about all this?.
Paranoid?
Paranoid?!
Tell that to Norman
"Headcheese" Scrumpkin.
He was a rangeboy.
Norm Scrumpkin?
Didn't he move away
after his dad got transferred?
That's what they said,
but everybody knows
that he moved so he could start
a whole new life.
He even got plastic surgery.
They changed his entire face.
Really?
All it takes
is one person
from school
to see me.
That's all it takes.
Just one person, and it's over.
You mean someone
like Endless Mike Helstrom?
BIG PETE:
Exactly.
That guy hates me.
Oh, no!
Howdy, Mike.
Are we going to see you
at the long ball tournament?
Big cash prize
this year.
Yeah. It's mine.
I've been working on my
visualization techniques.
See, what I do is, uh,
I imagine your son's
head on my tee.
The rest takes
care of itself.
( chuckles ):
You know, it's funny
that you should mention my son.
What's happening?
Looks like your dad's
pointing toward the cart.
No, Dad, please,
don't do it.
I don't know if Pete
told you about this.
You know, he probably
doesn't want to brag...
LITTLE PETE:
Fore!
Hmm.
( chuckles )
Oh!
I don't care
if he is a mutant.
He's got two hands,
doesn't he?
Then he can hold
onto his clubs.
Artie's slippery grip
had saved me for the moment,
but it was obvious
that I was going to need
a better plan
than just ducking and whining.
Here's a radical idea.
You can just be true
to yourself
and try not to care
what other people think.
What, are you crazy?
I have a better idea.
The grizzly bears that used
to live here got wiped out
mostly because of pollution
and hunting.
According to town history,
no one has seen a bear
in this area for 20 years.
But on one
blustery November day
around 3:30 in the afternoon,
a species of bear
known as ursus horribilis
was officially back
from extinction...
not that anyone noticed
at first.
We're here
at the fabled 15th hole
here at the Mighty Bear,
where school bus driver
Stu Benedict
is preparing to tee off.
Stu, who's been pretty depressed
since his girlfriend left him...
over nothing...
could really use a good sh*t
right about now.
( groans )
Don't worry.
All pros do this.
( groaning )
Oh, yeah.
( grunts )
( chuckles ):
Smooth, boy.
Power driving, smooth.
( chuckles )
( sighs )
Giff.
( chuckles ):
I just want you to know
that my range
is your range today.
I'm at your disposal, Giff.
I-I'm a big fan
of yours.
( chuckles )
Oh, I-I'd say north,
maybe northeast,
you know,
blowing 15 miles per.
You know, I... I hope
I'm not talking
out of school here, Giff,
but around here,
we take our golf
pretty seriously.
Yeah, I can see.
So that's why
you got the guy
in the bear suit driving
around out there.
Yeah. Oh...
Ah...
Hello, my little friend.
Let's hit a few.
Pete, Pete...
Stop! Whoa!
Pete, Pete, stop!
Stop, stop,
stop, stop!
Move over,
move over.
Son, do you know
why people come
to my range to
hit golf balls?
To hit golf balls?
Wrong. Look at them.
They all have
problems.
For-for some of them,
it's family troubles,
and others have jobs they hate.
And a few of them--
well, I-I-I don't know
what their problems are.
The point is
their lives are anything
but perfect.
But when they tee up a ball,
there's always that dream
that they'll hit
the perfect sh*t,
and when they do,
for that moment,
their lives are perfect.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
Good, now-now,
get this.
Some kid driving around
in a smelly bear suit is
not part of that dream!
I tried changing his mind
with some bear fun facts,
but his brain wouldn't budge.
Hey, Dad,
did you know that once,
a bear was almost elected
to the House of Representatives?
Also-- this is interesting--
a bear can eat his own weight
in trout.
I had one last chance.
Did you ever see
that Gentle Ben episode
where Gentle Ben saved that
blind kid from the mine shaft?
Well, th-that kid would've d*ed
in that mine shaft.
He... risked his life
for that poor kid.
You see, Dad?
Bears are great.
They're brave, kind,
and they work for minimum wage.
Well...
You won't regret
it, Dad.
Oh, and, Dad, it's
not Pete anymore.
For the next two
weeks, it's Mr. Bear.
After weeks of living in fear,
I was finally free,
free to roam the sacred ground
of my bear ancestors
without fear of being exposed
as a lowly rangeboy.
With my new identity,
I was invincible.
The things that would've
bothered Pete Wrigley
just didn't seem
to bother Mr. Bear.
Whoopsie!
I'm sorry, Mr. Bear.
Mommy,
you beaned Mr. Bear.
Don't worry, darling.
I think Mr. Bear is
a brave old bear.
Look, he's waving.
He's such
a silly old bear.
I love him.
Oh...
My crisis seemed to be over,
but unfortunately,
Pete's crisis was
about to go critical.
( chuckles )
Smashing time, boy.
Smashing time!
Five!
Whoa!
Five!
Whoa!
Ooh!
Uh-oh.
What?
Ooh! Un-pipe.
Oh!
It was bound to happen.
You smash enough golf balls
into the ionosphere
at the speed of sound,
and eventually,
somebody's going to get hurt.
( grunts )
Clark!
( chuckles ):
Clark.
I'm sorry, my little
reptile friend.
You know this turtle?
Know him? Know him?
Clark, tell the
boy about Paris:
you, me, Hemingway,
the shiny tugboat.
( chuckles ):
Yeah. Ooh...
Clark, what's wrong?!
Don't you remember me, boy?
It's me, your
old pal, Artie.
Yep, you guessed it.
The impact of the ball
had given Clark
a bad case of turtle amnesia.
Crud!
And that was that.
Until Artie helped Clark
regain his memory,
Pete's dream of winning
the tournament was over.
Meanwhile, my life as a bear
had just begun.
I had become one with nature.
I had surrendered
to the call of the wild.
But as I was about to find out,
the call of the wild
can sometimes get you
into big trouble.
When we last left
our friend Mr. Bear,
he was running free
in his natural habitat,
doing his bear thing,
when a strange new species
entered the forest:
Man.
Let's play a little
word association game.
I don't want to play.
Oh, come on,
it'll be fun.
You say a word,
and I'll say
the first thing that
comes into my mind.
Oh, come on,
don't make me, Ray, please?
Why don't you say--
oh, I don't know--
"hunting trip."
Well, that's two words.
Oh, say it, Jer.
All right.
Hunting trip.
Total disaster!
We haven't bagged
one animal today!
Maybe they're
all hiding or something.
I don't know.
Why, you blaming me?
Shut up.
Follow me.
( screams ):
Next!
How much to hit the bear?
Five bucks a bucket,
but the bear works here.
Read the sign.
Well, what do you know?
We'll give you
ten bucks a bucket.
Lock and load, gentlemen,
and happy hunting.
Bear season
had officially opened.
( golf balls being struck )
For the first couple of days,
it was mostly
frustrated hunters
who wanted to bag
good old Mr. Bear.
But then, the sheer,
unadulterated good time fun
of beaning a bear spread
throughout the town
like a rare tropical disease.
Wow! Ooh, ooh!
That's right,
a little closer.
I can smell
his fear, Mommy.
( giggles ):
It smells like bacon.
The only one immune from
the fever was Stu Benedict.
Still hoping to hit the sh*t
that'll make him forget
the flaming wreckage
of his shattered life.
While we're on the subject
of shattered lives,
I guess it's safe to say that
my little plan had backfired.
My perfect dream
of bear happiness
was about to crash and burn.
( screaming )
( giggles ):
He's such a silly bear.
"Bag the bear" mania
had arrived,
and like all good manias,
there were neat T-shirts,
cool decals, and of course,
plenty of live a*mo.
Bag the bear,
win a bucket!
Buddy, you bag a bear yet?
Meanwhile,
Artie tried everything
to trigger Clark's
misfiring memory.
( chuckles )
Then escaping to Dusseldorf
on the bobsled,
Hemingway driving,
you in the middle,
and Gertrude Stein braking
in the back.
Oh, that was sweet.
Oh, you remember Carol?
( chuckles ):
Ooh.
When that didn't work,
Artie moved on to bigger stuff.
ARTIE:
Oh!
Sweet Clark, sweet Clark,
the stars.
Don't you remember the stars?
All the twinkly, stinkly,
smelly-belly stars.
While Clark tried to remember,
I tried just as hard to forget
that this whole nightmare
was happening to me.
This has gone
far enough, Pete,
and you know it.
You have to quit.
I can't.
You have to, Pete.
If you don't quit for
your own self-respect,
then do it
for the bears.
It's not that easy.
What about my dad?
It would k*ll him.
He thinks I love it here.
Then that leaves
you with exactly
one other option.
What, lose the suit?
No way. Not now.
Nobody knows
it's me in there,
and that's how
it's going to stay.
I know it's you,
and so does Ursa Major.
That's her head...
and that's her back.
And those stars
over there?
They make up
her belly.
BIG PETE:
Wow.
That's what I'd call
a mighty bear.
You can't run forever.
No, but I can run
for two more days.
Then golf season ends,
and the bears of Wellsville
will be extinct once more.
Two more days.
Just two more days,
and my identity
would be safe forever.
What could go wrong?
DAD ( over P.A. system ):
Paging Mr. Bear.
Mr. Bear, please report
to the maintenance facility
on the double.
It was Pete's idea.
Hit the bear, and not only
do you win a cash prize,
you get the honor of unmasking
our friend, Mr. Bear.
People want to know:
Who is Mr. Bear?
( chuckles ):
Well, tomorrow, my boy,
they're going to find out.
What do you
think, son, huh?
What do you think?
I mean, is
that great?
What do you...?
They say the last bear
in these parts d*ed
choking on a bologna
and cheese sandwich.
Civilization k*lled the bears,
but I wasn't going
to let it k*ll me.
It took me a while
to get up my nerve,
but on the day
of the tournament,
I told Dad the truth.
I was thinking that maybe
if you ran this way,
you know, you might
be harder to hit.
Remember, the longer
you take to, you know,
to avoid getting hit,
the more balls we sell.
Dad...
Maybe if you ran
with a hula motion, you know?
Dad, I'm not doing it.
The only reason
I started wearing this dumb suit
was because I needed a disguise.
I didn't want anyone to know
I was a rangeboy.
Why not?
Because once people find out
you're a rangeboy, it's over.
You're cursed
for life!
I'll have to move and
get plastic surgery
like Norm "Headcheese"
Scrumpkin.
Norm "Headcheese"
Scrumpkin?
What are you
talking about?
I'm talking
about a new face.
No, no, not that.
A-are you telling me you're
embarrassed to be working here?
Yes.
I guess I am.
Sorry, Dad.
W-W-What am I going to tell
all those people out there
who have come here
to unmask the bear?
Tell them I've gone
into early hibernation.
While I took the easy way out,
Artie had to cure
Clark's amnesia the hard way.
( crowd chanting ):
We want the bear!
I must bunk you again, Clark.
It's the only way.
Get out of my
way, please.
Excuse me.
Come on, Ellen, let's
get out of here.
What are you doing here?
Your public wants you.
I quit.
You did?
On behalf of all bears
everywhere...
( crowd cheering )
( clears throat ):
Uh, good afternoon, golfers,
and welcome to the first annual
Mighty Bear
"Bag the Bear" Contest.
( Dad chuckles )
Hey, where's the bear, baldy?!
CROWD:
Yeah!
Uh... yes, the-the bear.
Well, um,
he-he-he-he's hibernating.
( chuckles ):
He's hibernating
a little early this year.
You know,
needs his beauty sleep.
( laughs )
( crowd booing )
Beauty...
( laughs )
( booing )
( giggles ):
He's such a silly man.
Hey, come on,
let's try to be civilized.
Now, he looks
like a bear.
Hey, hey, what are you doing?
Hey, this is golf.
Try to remember.
Tell him, Giff.
Don't call me Giff.
Hey!
Come on, Pete,
don't look.
It's too ugly.
( crowd booing )
I wanted to go,
but I guess there was more bear
inside me than I knew.
I had to protect my own.
It was time for me
to finally be a Mighty Bear.
( crowd shouting angrily )
ARTIE ( emotionally ):
Go, please, Clark, just go, go.
Clark, go, boy, go.
It's the only way.
( crying )
Nice going, Dad!
It was a...
It's the bear!
( crowd murmuring )
Hey, scragmoid, come on, get me!
Pete!
All right, Pete!
I told you, it's Mr. Bear.
And get out of here
while you still can.
I was free again,
free from the shame
of living a lie.
I wasn't afraid
of being unmasked.
I wasn't afraid of anything.
I was invincible.
Forgive me, Clark!
( crying )
It's the only way.
Oh! Oh!
I was the mightiest bear
of all.
( crowd cheers )
( thuds )
Clark! Clark!
My boy, how I've missed you.
Oh, Clark!
Yes, it's me, Artie.
Yes, the strongest man
in the world.
Oh, Clark.
Yes, I have missed...
No, I'm driving this time.
We'll go see
the countryside.
Hey, aren't you going
to unmask the bear?
Hey, freak show,
come back here.
You're the only one who
can unmask Mr. Bear.
No, he's not.
Pete, you're a rangeboy?
Oh, I should've known.
A rangeboy.
Rangeboy.
Not a rangeboy.
I'm a rangebear.
That afternoon, we closed
the range down for the season.
Dad tried to explain why
everyone had gone so berserk
for bear blood,
but he had no real answers.
My theory is that whether
they're hitting golf balls
or sh**ting b*ll*ts,
humans have this need
to keep reminding themselves
that they're the all-time king
of the jungle.
It comes from being insecure,
I think.
As far as this idea
of golfers seeking
some kind of dream
of perfection,
only Stu Benedict deserves
something that beautiful.
Still here on the fabled 15th,
school bus driver Stu Benedict,
long paralyzed
by his fear of failure,
reaches deep inside himself
and finds something
he never knew he had.
Wow!
Until there were more people
like Stu and Artie
in this world,
bears and rangeboys
would just have
to keep an eye out
for each other.
( bear growling )
What is it, Pete?
Nothing.
01x04 - Rangeboy
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Centers around two brothers, both named Pete Wrigley, and their humorous and surreal adventures in suburbia among their equally eccentric friends, enemies, and neighbors.
Centers around two brothers, both named Pete Wrigley, and their humorous and surreal adventures in suburbia among their equally eccentric friends, enemies, and neighbors.