02x08 - X=WHY

[bunniefuu]

In everyone's life,
there comes a subject in school

that, to put it bluntly,

is as useless
as a bucket of warm spit.

For my best friend,
Ellen Hickle,

it was Algebra.

Algebra word problems,
to be precise.

In case you don't know,
Algebra word problems

are these cute little math
stories teachers cook up

to try and make
equations "fun."

So, if Mary Louise collects X
amount of fungal growth

and Idaho yams at a rate
of 637 items

per year, and Joe
collects Y amount
of swizzle sticks...

Why do we need
to know this?

BIG PETE:
It was a question asked

by a million miserable students
every day.

But as we were
about to find out,

Ellen's "Why?" would
ignite a revolution

that obliterated
a mighty math teacher,

and nearly rubbed out
word problems forever.

Subtitle Rip: uNCeNSoReD

? Hey, smilin' strange ?

? You're lookin'
happily deranged ?

? Can you settle to sh**t me ?

? Or have you picked
your target yet? ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Does your dog bite? ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?

? Does your dog bite? ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Does your dog bite? ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy, hey. ?

MS. FINGERWOOD:
So, if a Styrofoam chest

contains 16 frozen
fish sticks and...

BIG PETE:
To Ellen, word problems
were an insult to humanity.

But to Ms. Fingerwood,
they were like poetry.

...of plankton?

It's no secret that Ms.
Fingerwood lives for math.

She named her cat
The Square Root of Seven,

and bakes pi pies accurate
to 121 decimal places.

Rumor has it that the first
time she saw the number two,

she thought it was her mother.

( cooing )

Now, let's go over
yesterday's homework problem.

If Train X leaves Ovid
at 2:22 p.m...

Mama.

...and-and-and goes
49 miles...

BIG PETE:
Over the years, Ms.
Fingerwood's students

have tried everything to figure
out her k*ller word problems,

without actually
having to use math.

...per hour, but stops
for a little tiny baby
deer in the road...

what time will Train Y
arrive at Lodi?

Say... has anybody
seen Teddy Forzman?

CONDUCTOR:
Next stop, Lodi.
( train whistle blows )

BIG PETE:
Even those who went the extra
mile to do their homework

never complained about
their Fingerwoody fate.

All that changed
the day Ellen went in

for an appointment with the
school guidance counselor...

Phil Hickle...

also known as her dad.

Oh, Algebra is essential, Ellen.

If you want to stay competitive
in an ever-changing job market

you need to be well-rounded.

But, Dad, I can't
take it anymore.

What do trains and fungal growth
have to do with my future?

Well, now...

ah, how about
running a fast track

to an exciting career
in caboose repair?

Dad.

Okay, then, let's try
fungal growth.

Ah. I'll have you know
that mold research

is one of America's
fastest-growing fields.

( sighs )

Thanks for your help, Dad.

MS. FINGERWOOD:
So, if Farmer John

has one chicken

that lays X number
of eggs per day,

but he has one egg
for breakfast--

fried, with a little hot sauce,
maybe some hash browns--

how many eggs per day

does Farmer John need to make
a profit of Y?

Where's Teddy Forzman?

( chicken clucking )

BIG PETE:
Ellen had nothing against eggs,
or even Farmer John.

She just knew that she wanted

to make a difference
in the world,

and word problems
weren't gonna help.

Ellen Hickle?

Why?

Yes, Y is the variable.

But what is the value
of the variable?

No, not Y. Why?

W-h-y.

Why?

( whispers ):
Why?

Why do we have to learn
all this stuff?

Right now thousands of trees
are being cut down

in the Amazon rain forest,
and ice caps are melting.

And I don't know, another

shopping mall
is going up somewhere.

What do word problems have to
say about that, Ms. Fingerwood?

If word problems

are so important, can you name
one time in your entire life

when solving one
actually made a difference?

BIG PETE:
It was the one question

everyone had always wanted
to ask.

( sighs )

Well...
( smacks lips )

once, once I calculated
the distance

to my grandmother's house

using fresh cherry strudel
to find the cube root.

And...
Why not check a map?

I also determined the
temperature of river mud,

by pulling on
these large, ugly boots

and the suction of the mud,

versus the
depth of the

river, um, uh...

et cetera.

What about using a thermometer?

Class... dismissed.

BIG PETE:
Once the word spread

about Ellen's takedown
of Ms. Fingerwood,

my brother, Pete,
sprang into action.

( feedback squeaks )
He knew that once

one adult leader fell, the rest
could follow, like dominoes.

CHORUS:
? W-A-R-T, Wart Radio... ?

Our broadcast tonight goes out
to adults everywhere.

We know where you live,
jigglebutts.

The end is near.

BIG PETE:
If Pete had found
a new calling,

Ms. Fingerwood was wondering
whether she even had one.

She built her life
on X's and Y's.

But suddenly, she saw
how little they mattered,

compared to an October sunset,
a perfect kiss,

or the fate
of the red-billed sap sucker.

Ellen's simple question

had shattered
Ms. Fingerwood's world.

There was
only one solution now.

Class, as of today,

I hereby renounce Algebra
as my calling.

( dramatic music plays )

Thanks to Ellen Hickle,

I've realized that my life
is a lie.

I have no
choice but to

hang up my chalk.

I wish you all
a well-factored future.

Thank you and good-bye.

You still never told me why.

BIG PETE:
Inside the teachers'
headquarters,

( whistling )
nobody was all that worried

about Ellen's
little revolution.

Oh, good morning, Phil.

Oh, uh, Mr. Lemming
heard something

in his Latin class today.

Seems your little girl
gave, uh,

Elma Fingerwood
a little broasting.

Uh, weenie?

( speaking Latin )

Translated roughly, I think what
Theodore is saying is,

your daughter gave Ms.
Fingerwood a face job.

( snickers )

Why thank you.

PHIL:
Look, I've told her that

questioning authority isn't
popular in the workplace.

HOME EC TEACHER:
Not to worry, Phil,
not to worry.

Like I tell my students,

if the rump won't roast,

turn up

the heat.

Let the substituting begin.

( cackles )

Ah... Zank.

Prime choice.

If Y equals the amount of
detergent in a laundry box,

and X equals the size
of the scoop,

how many scoops
of detergent will fill

a six-pound
box, if...

No.

Excuse me?

Mr. Zank, can you tell us
how the value of Y

will fix the hole
in the ozone layer?

Or make Christmas
less commercial?

Uh... well...

not exactly.

If Y doesn't matter, sir,
then...

why?

BIG PETE:
Ellen had found the formula
to destroy word problems.

What came next was slaughter.

If the average life is made up
of 612,720 hours,

why spend a single second on
something that doesn't matter?

( cheering )

( triumphant music playing )

BIG PETE:
As happy as I was for Ellen,
I couldn't help but wonder,

whatever happened
to Ms. Fingerwood?

I've been teaching Algebra
for so many years,

I'm not sure
what else I can do, Phil.

Elma, you came
to the right place.

Let's start with a series
of standard career tests.

First, snatch the pebble

from my hand.

( polka music playing )

I think I've got
just the job for you.

( sighs )
BIG PETE:
While Ms. Fingerwood

was gaining hope, the other
teachers were losing it,

thanks to Pete's
nonstop reign of terror.
( line ringing )

( phone ringing )

It's them.

Don't answer.

They keep calling
and saying I'm a...

( ringing continues )

...blow hole.

I know that's defined as a
muscular flap on a sea mammal,

but it scares me.
Yeah.

( line dialing )

MR. LEMMING:
Phil, Phil,

one of my students asked me

"Why study Latin?"

What am I supposed
to tell them?

Latin is not even
a country!

( panting )

Look at this.

There's only one sub left.

HOME EC TEACHER:
Every... everyone, please...

Have you ever noticed
that kids are...

a lot like dough?

Raw, untamed,
hard to control.

All it takes...

is the right utensils...

and a pile of dough...

becomes delicious cookies.

I believe it's time we
served up the main course.

Schreck.

( sputtering chuckle )

( pounds table )

( laughing )
Schreck?

Schreck.

Schrrrreck!

Schreck.
Schreck!

( chanting ):
Schreck! Schreck! Schreck!

Schreck! Schreck!
Schreck!

ALL ( chanting ):
Schreck, Schreck, Schreck,

Schreck, Schreck, Schreck...

Schreck, Schreck, Schreck...
( sighs )

Schreck, Schreck, Schreck,
Schreck, Schreck, Schreck,

Schreck, Schreck, Schreck,

Schreck, Schreck,
Schreck, Schreck...

BIG PETE:
With nothing more
than a single letter,

Ellen had launched a revolution

that threatened adults
everywhere,

and sent one former math
teacher

into a whole new career.

It wasn't exactly teaching
algebra,

but it did involve
her favorite thing.

Tonight's next bingo number
is divisible by five,

yet it's sometimes called
"one-quarter."

Please, give a warm,

double digit welcome for I-25.

( buzzer )

BIG PETE:
The only problem?

Ms. Fingerwood talked so much

about her beloved numbers

that she totally forgot about
the game.

MS. FINGERWOOD:
Now, everyone, please,

put your hands together for our
next number, N-39.

39.

It's curvy, yet so form-fitting.

Functional, yet so alive.

So full of grace, dignity.

Oh, 39.

Six times two, two plus ten,
three times four and back again.

Every time it comes to 12,
every time

you come to 12.

How do you do it?

BIG PETE:
Finally, people got tired
of waiting around for bingo,

and Ms. Fingerwood
was out of a job.

( dull clang )

Meanwhile, Ellen was about

to face her own career crisis.

Most substitutes have a license
to teach.

Rumor has it

that only one has a license
to k*ll.

Whenever there's trouble,
he's the one they call.

His name?

Schreck.

They say he crushed
the Glee Club uprising

of '84 with a bazooka.

What would Schreck do to us?

Hey, everybody.

Today we're going to learn about
Algebra 101.

( picking notes )

Sing along with me.

( strumming chords )

? X is the number of pigs
in a barn ?

? Pigs in a barn,
pigs in a barn... ?

Somehow, the sing-along
with Schreck

touched a primal chord
in all of us.

? X is the number of... ?

? Pigs in the barn. ?

SCHRECK:
? Pigs in a barn,
pigs that we can't see... ?

We couldn't resist
its evil power.
Very good, Mr. Forzman!

? X is the number of pigs
in a barn, pigs in a barn ?

? Pigs in a barn,
X is the number of... ?
Stop it. Stop singing!

Don't listen.

Why?

You still haven't told us why.

? X is the number... ?

Why?
ELLEN:
Why?!

ALL ( chanting ):
Why? Why? Why?

Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!
Why?! Why?! Why?! Why...?!

They schrecked Schreck.

And I just used
a noun as a verb.

What's happening to me?

( speaking Greek )

If those little freaks

come near us, I will...

frappe them
into a cake.
( motor humming )

Uh...

You know, uh, in the workplace,

music has been known to
increase productivity

and, uh... release tension.

( static blipping )

LITTLE PETE:
Surrender now and you'll be
treated fairly.

Resist and you will be stopped.

( howling )

( loud crash )

But there's a lot to be said
for silence, too.

Phil?

In the words
of the great

Emily Dickinson...

"End this unsavory fight..."

or I'll rip out
your nose hairs!

Well... Me?!
Why me?

She's your daughter!

She won't cross you.

Dad.

( mouthing )

Okeydokey.

BIG PETE:
Ellen hadn't planned on nuking
her own dad.

But she couldn't let
anything stand in the way

of total victory.

( excited chatter )

Before she took another great
leap forward,

there was another victim
I wanted her to see.

Eight.

Nine.

Hey, Ms. Fingerwood,
how's it going?

Ten, 11...
No, no.

We just stopped by
to say hello.

You have no ticket?

11 minus one is...

ten.

Ten minus one

is...

nine.

Nine minus...

( clicks )
two is...

Oh, where have all
the numbers gone?

BIG PETE:
All she had wanted was to free
us from the bondage

of word problems.

Now that she had,
Ellen began to wonder,

was it worth the human cost?

She knew what she had to do.

At least she deserves

another chance
to explain why.

Is Ms. Fingerwood
here yet?

You mean the clicker chick?

Nah, she got fired
this morning.

Do you know where she went?

Nope, but, uh...

I found this written

on a box of Kreb Duds.

MS. FINGERWOOD:
If bus number two...

Mama...

departs Wellsville
at 10:00 a.m.,

traveling in a northeasterly
direction, how fast...

must the bus go
to deliver former math teacher X

to train station Y
at 3:59 p.m.
( Ms. Fingerwood's voice fades )

to catch train to boat,
to sail away forever?

...to sail away forever?

Ugh, I hate word problems.

Well, it's the
only way we're
going to find her.

And we've only got
an hour and 40 minutes
to figure this out.

Come on.

This is ridiculous.

We're never going
to figure this out.

PHIL:
Yes, you are.

Dad.
If only you'd

let me teach yesterday,
I could have shown you

a thing or two about Algebra.

Dad, I never meant for you to be
a casualty of w*r.

I guess the revolution didn't
turn out

like I wanted.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

You were just exercising your
powers of expression.

That's a very
desirable trait

to employers.

And dads.

What do you say I help you out
with this problem, snookums?

BIG PETE:
The race to find
Ms. Fingerwood was on.

With Phil Hickle's help,

it wasn't long
before Ellen realized

that word problems did have
a purpose, after all.

Y.

Not this again.

No, not "Why?" The letter "Y."

Y has to equal Flangsdale.

That's my girl.

Let's motivate.

( tires squeal )

Ms. Fingerwood.

Ellen Hickle?

Ms. Fingerwood, once I
determined the speed of the bus

and subtracted the coequal,

it was easy to figure out
that Y equals Flangsdale.

Well, you could have
multiplied by 3.5,

but flexible equations work
with even integers, too.

( whistle blowing )

CONDUCTOR:
All aboard!

( train whistle blows )
Ms. Fingerwood, please stay.

There's no reason to, Ellen.

No, I must

go the way of Mr. T
and a unified USSR.

Ms. Fingerwood.

Yes?

What are the chances
that teacher F

will come back to school

if student E says she finally
understands Y?

Good-bye.

MS. FINGERWOOD:
The chances are

excellent.

? Hey, hey, hey. ?

( laughing )

BIG PETE:
And that's how the great
word problem revolution

finally ended, in peace.

Although for some, the w*r
would never end.

Red Ember One,

mission accomplished.

BIG PETE:
As for Ms. Fingerwood,

she discovered that if Ellen

could find the meaning
in word problems,

then maybe word problems could
have more meaning.

So, if X equals the amount of
CO2 created by car exhaust,

and Y is a lovely young man
strolling down the road

trying to conserve
precious fossil fuels...

BIG PETE:
It was a lesson
everyone learned.

...before
this young man...

Where's Teddy Forzman?

BIG PETE:
Well, almost everyone.

MS. FINGERWOOD:
So, does anyone know
what Y equals?

X = Y.

? Water me ?

? Water, please ?

? Water your garden ?

? Keep your eyes on the prize ?

? And your hose on the roses ?

? All the weeds
are taking over ?

? Babe, the weeds
are taking over you... ?

? Water me ?

? Water, please... ?