02x13 - Sick Day

[bunniefuu]

BIG PETE:
It comes out of nowhere.

It strikes without warning.

It's that soul-sucking stretch

of the school calendar,

between President's Day
and Easter.

No holidays.

No vacations.

You know the side effects.

First, the body goes loco,

followed soon after
by the brain.

Only the strong survive,
like Monica Purling.

She uses
her Kreb Scout training

to find precious nutrients.

( slurping )

Even a juggernaut
like my brother Pete

feels the hurt.

Normally, he strikes fear
in the heart

of all teachers.

Pete Wrigley.

But during
those Death Valley days,

the Pete just
gets b*rned out of him.

This year was worse than ever.

Pete's prayers for an air raid
or a snow day

had gone unanswered.

Until one mind-melting day

when an answer arrived

like a message from Heaven.

They were two words.

The two words that
give us all hope.

( whispering ):
Sick day.

? Hey, eHeyHesmilin' strange ?

? You're lookin'
happily deranged ?

? Can you settle to sh**t me? ?

? Or have you picked
your target yet? ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Does your dog bite? ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy,
don't you talk back ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Does your dog bite? ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy, hey. ?

In Spain,
it's called dia enfermo.

In Hungary, it's beteg nap.

Around here,

it's just
known as "The Sick Day."

If you're really sick,

it can save your life.

But if you're not,

well, that's another story.

This story.

It starts by picking
the right disease to fake.

You know the classics:

colds, earaches, pinkeye

and the ever-popular diarrhea.

Pete had tried all of those.

It was time for something big.

Food poisoning?

That's a triple U-e.

Unusual,

unpredictable,
undetectable.

Gets me two days, easy.

You're going
for a double dipper?

If Pete could get two days off,

he'd be a sick-day legend,

like Len Tinglehoff,

who used mind control

to keep his temperature
at 101 degrees

for three days.

( grunting )

Or Margaret Stang,

who epoxy-glued
her teeth together

and got to drink lamb chops

through a straw.

Then, there's Dewey Munson,

who faked his own death.

Dewey was last seen
in Flagstaff,

where he lives with his aunt

and calls himself "Gene."

But here in Wellsville,

on one fateful Tuesday,

at precisely 0700 hours,

the brothers Pete

launched Operation Tapioca.

( alarm ringing )

( puffs air )

Pete began his as*ault
with the now-patented

triple-action moan-groan.

( groaning loudly )

Pete?

Something wrong?

My guts.

( moaning ):
They're boiling.

Mom was a seasoned warrior

of the sick day

and came on strong
with a three-pronged att*ck.

Glands.

Temperature.

Pulse.

I don't think
you have a bug.

And neither
does Petunia.

And it wasn't something
you ate last night,

because we all
had the same thing.

Ooh, time to get up.

Today's a school day.

She was walking
right into his trap.

Maybe it was the tapioca.

Tapioca?

Yeah.

I had some last night.

The tapioca.

It was Pete's secret w*apon.

You see...

a few days earlier,

Pete got a grocery clerk
to smuggle him a label

from an expired can of tapioca.

Remember, if
you get busted,

this never happened.

What never happened?

Bingo.

Then he stuck the label

on an empty can.

That's where I came in.

While Pete lured Mom
to our bedroom,

I made the drop.

Honey, I just talked
to Dr. Volker.

He said you probably have

a mild case of food poisoning.

Nothing serious,
but I want to keep you home.

But, Mom,

we're doing negative fractions.

Negative fractions will wait.

You stay in bed.

I'll call Aunt Janet

and tell her I can't make it
to the baby shower.

You don't have to stay, Mom.

I'm just going to sleep all day.

Well, Dr. Volker says

sleep's all you
really need.

And this bucket,
just in case.

But I hate to
leave you alone.

I won't be alone, Mom.

I've got my negative fractions.

Such a good boy.

All right, honey.

I'll leave
Aunt Janet's number

and some melba toast
in case you get hungry.

Does that sound okay?

Mom?

Mm-hmm?

Love you.

( Morse code tapping )

Once word got out

that Pete wouldn't be
in school that day,

adults wasted no time spreading

the good news.

It can't be!

Mr. Throneberry.

Look!

To Pete's teachers,

a day without him
was like a Hawaiian vacation.

Aloha, maku, maku.

Delores, quick,
get the Code Book.

( Hawaiian music plays )

( hinges squeak )

( emitting feedback )

Attention, all faculty members.

Attention, all faculty members.

( speaking Hawaiian )

Repeat...
( speaking Hawaiian )

Don Ho will not emerge

from the Valley of Darkness.

( cheering )

Hello, freedom.

My name is Pete.

With Mom gone,

Pete began his adventure

by taking in the little things

you only notice on a sick day.

The way the dust motes

waft around in the sunlight.

The sound of the refrigerator
making ice cubes.
( clattering )

And the sweet,
marshmallowy taste

of an American president

going down his food hole.

That's when Pete
noticed something even

more amazing.

Ike!

( "Hail to the Chief" playing )
That's right,

Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Famous for commanding

the Allied Forces in Germany

and being the only president

Pete hadn't shoved up his nose.

( sighs )

Hail to the chief.

But, like the Allied Forces

at Normandy,
Uh-oh.

Ike was there to stay.
( exhaling forcefully )

Meter man!

Uh-oh.
Hello?

Anyone home?

Hey, Ray.

Geez.

It must be 73.1
degrees in here.

What is this, Jocko,
the equator?

( chuckles )

Oh, you people burn
more fuel than the sun.

What do you think this country's
made out of, energy?

Mm-mm.
I've got other
problems, Ray.

Look.

What do you got,
little congestion up there?

President Eisenhower.

He's stuck.
Hmm.

Now, that was a man who knew
the value of a kilowatt hour.

Hmm.

Okay, enough chin music, Red.

Time is energy.

Let's see what
you got over here.

Okay, let's see
what you got here, Johnny.

Let's just see what you...

eh, what you got.

There's something
you should know

about Meter Man Ray.

When he checks
your electric meter,

he sees more than the passing

of kilowatt hours.

He sees the future.

( startled gasp )

Do you have a b*mb shelter?

Uh, no.

Why?

Uh, don't worry about it.

What about me?

Anything about me?

I see you

with Martin Van Buren,

our 8th president.

He conserved face heat
with giant sideburns.

Good man.

What?!

Oh!

He's gonna lead you
to the promised land.

The promised land?

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm faking sick.

( panting )

The wheel has spoken.

( sighs )

It also says your kilowatt usage
is up three percent.

Tell me, Chief,
you folks ever think of using

dimmer switches in here?

No, but I'm not
going outside.

What if someone sees me?

It's too risky.

That's fine with me, Professor.

If you knew how much heat

escapes from the top
of your head--

whoo-hoo-- that would make you
sick for real.

Well, see you next month,
Skipper.

"Skipper" really wasn't
going anywhere,

until he saw it.

( trumpet fanfare )

The Excalibur 2000.

The most powerful

garage door opener
known to mankind.

Only Dad was allowed

to wield its mighty power.

But no one was home.

Pete had to try it.

He was gonna break
the cardinal rule

of faking sick.

He was going to go outside.

BIG PETE:
Pete knew that
by going outside,

he risked blowing his whole
sick-day scam,

but he had seen
the Excalibur TV commercial

too many times
to turn back now.

? Excalibur ?

? Excalibur, Excalibur ?

( click )

? Mightiest opener in the land ?

? Opens the door
with the touch of your hand ?

? Excalibur, Excalibur ?

? Its laser sh**t
through anything ?

? Its power will make you feel
like a king ?

( high-pitched
electrical squeal )

? Excalibur, Excalibur. ?

? Excalibur! ?

( click )

Chapter Eight.

Couldn't fit
an oversized envelope

in the Jacuuti's

mail slot.

When will they ever learn?

Note:

Found a brown mitten
on the sidewalk.

Somewhere, a child walks
with one cold hand.

I will do what

I can.

Also note:
Pete Wrigley spotted.

Appears to have Vegas funny man

Don Rickles up his nose.

No, Eisenhower.

Make that Eisenhower,

35th President,
had his own stamp.

More on that later.

What are you doing?

Oh, along
with the swift completion

of my appointed rounds,

I'm dictating the story
of my life.

It's called

( fanfare plays )
Stand and Deliver,

The Mailwoman McGinty Story.

What are you doing?

Faking sick.

While faking sick,

Pete Wrigley has broken
the cardinal rule

and gone outside.

Let me know how you do
for my book.

I'll send
you a letter.

Wish me luck.

I'll do better than that.

Any trouble,
I'll send up a flare.

It keeps the dogs in line.

Okay. Bye.

Good-bye.

BIG PETE:
Pete knew

he should have gone home
right then and there,

but he had tested the limits
of the Excalibur.

Now he wanted to test himself.

It was the biggest risk
in the world,

but then I guess
that's why my brother did it.

At precisely 1300 hours,
the enemy was sighted.

LITTLE PETE:
The Deathstar.

BIG PETE:
His top-secret mission?

Well, he just wanted to see
how his friends were doing.

Except for a strange
Hawaiian theme,

it was pretty much
what he expected.

Clem had been reduced
to bearded goo

while Monica continued

her fierce struggle
for survival.

It was a horror show
he'd seen before,

but as he took one last look,
something new caught his eye--

Glen Wurdle.

Since the second grade,
Glen had sat behind Pete,

but they never talked.

Not once.

All Pete knew about him was
that he ate plaque candy,

the stuff the dentist gives you
to find the gunk on your teeth.

It might have been because
it was a sick day,

but suddenly Pete saw Glen
in a whole new way.

Who was the kid
behind the teeth?

Pete had to know.

STU:
Come out with your hands up!

We've got
the place surrounded.

( laughs )

Got you, man!

I toasted you.

I set the toaster
on medium brown,

pushed down the plunger and...

toasted you
for breakfast.

( laughing evilly )

( panting )

I toasted you!

And you could
have busted me.

I'm faking sick
today, Stu.

Oh, my gosh,
I didn't know.

( clears throat )

Um, everything is, uh,
fine in here.

There are no

dangerous fugitives or...

anything like that.

No, sirree, Bob.

I got you covered.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just a...
little bored.

What do you do all day
when we're in school?

( click )

Technical stuff.

Want to drive
me somewhere?

Ladies and gentlemen,

if you direct your attention
to the left,

we're coming on
the majestic splendor of

the Wurdle house.

LITTLE PETE:
So that's where he lives.

What are we looking for?

A body?

Signs of foul play,
a mysterious stain?

I'm not sure.

Wow.

I guess that's his bike.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Glen Wurdle's bike.

( cheering breath )

And let's give a warm
Wellsville welcome

for Glen Wurdle's shuttlecock.

I didn't know he
played badminton.

( dog barking )

Are you sure
you're just faking sick, Pete?

That's Glen Wurdle's life
out there, Stu.

All the little things
that make him Glen Wurdle.

I can't explain it,
but you just

see things a
little differently

on a sick day.

( watch alarm beeping )

At the sound of the tone,
it'll be exactly 2:00.

2:00?

School's out. I got

to vamoose, el pronto.

It's not safe out there.

Get back in,
I'll give you a ride home.

That's okay, Stu.

I'm going to look around
some more.

If I see any sign of trouble,
I'll sound the red alert.

Eisenhower.

Just checking.

BIG PETE:
Pete knew
he was pushing his luck,

but before he went home,

he had to find out
a little bit more.

Something that would unlock
the mystery

of Glen Wurdle's...

Wurdleness.

No way!

Martin Van Buren.

BIG PETE:
Not only was he
our eighth president,

he was the name Meter Man Ray
had mentioned

in his prophecy.

What does it mean?

BIG PETE:
While Pete pondered the future,

the present decided
to say hello.

( imitates horn blaring )

( imitates siren wailing ):
Woo-ooh, woo-ooh, woo-ooh.

Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo,
woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

( imitates crow cawing )

( cawing continues )

( high-pitched squeal )

( gasps )

BIG PETE:
Pete knew he'd be dead meat
if he didn't b*at mom

back to the house.

But two blocks away from home,

Pete realized
that his sick day adventure

still had one last stop.

Hey, Glen.

Hey, Pete.

Hi, Pete.

Hey, Glen.

Um...

how's the plaque?

Uh, not bad.

Want some
plaque candy?

I got extra.

Sure.

Thanks.

Hey, isn't that Eisenhower?

Yeah, it is.

I don't know
how he got up there.

Yeah, I got

Harry Truman stuck up my nose
once.

Really?

How'd you get him out?

Static electricity.

I just rubbed my feet on a rug,

touched a doorknob and fired.

Really? That works?

Yeah, just the
other day, I had
to blast out...

Martin Van Buren?

Yeah, Van Buren.

How'd you know?

Just a guess.

METER MAN RAY:
Hey,

Pocahontas,
you'd better hurry.

Your future's looking dim.

Uh, look, um, I got to go.

Well, I-I'll see you soon.

Tomorrow.

Chapter 12.

Flare has worked.

Boy on way home.

Just another day
in The Mailwoman McGinty Story.

Pete, where you been?

Duck!

( electrical popping )

You can thank me later.

BIG PETE:
Pete was home free.

There was no way Mom would know
he'd even left his bed.

Then he realized
his fatal mistake.

The garage door.

I left it open!

BIG PETE:
As powerful
as the Excalibur was,

he couldn't get a clear sh*t
at the door.

( whirring )
If Mom saw it open,

he'd be busted for sure.

His only hope was
to ricochet the beam off

the plate in Mom's head.

Sorry, Mom.

( whirring )

( loud, high-pitched tone )

( beeping )

Hmm.

( door opening )

Hey.
Hey.

How's my little
honey bunny?

He's doing a little better.

Good.

Another day's rest,

and you should be
back on your feet.

Actually, I'm feeling
a whole lot better,

thanks to the melba toast.

Oh.

I might even be able to go back
to school tomorrow.

Well, we'll see.

Meanwhile, you go
back to sleep.

( door closes )

BIG PETE:
Pete didn't need Meter Man Ray
to tell him his future.

He knew exactly
what the next day would bring.

Thanks to his sick day,

he'd have a new friend,
a newly enlarged left nostril,

and best of all,

a brand-new way
of looking at the world.

? They're playing
in Central Park ?

? Check out him,
he's shouting at the gate ?

? Billy didn't tell you
everything ?

? Or did he mention
the magic day? ?

? Waiting for October ?

? I cross my fingers ?

? Cross my heart
and hope to die ?

? Waiting for October ?

? I'm in the book ?

? And I'll be learning
how to fly ?

? He's coming down,
but he's not alone ?

? He's gonna bring
an army of saints ?

? And he's taking
all his back home ?

? And then destroying
what remains ?

? Waiting for October... ?