10x02 - A Documentary About a Despot

[bunniefuu]

This programme
contains strong language.

Taskmaster was recorded
in accordance with all

social distancing guidelines
in place at the time of filming.

SHE GIGGLES

SHE BURBLES LOUDLY

LOUD STATIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to Taskmaster.

In this show, I've been given
absurd amounts of power,

truly obscene amounts of power.

The kind of power that,
if placed in the wrong hands,

could very easily be abused.

What the contestants have to ask is,
"Are these the wrong hands?

"And has the power been abused?"

YES!

The audience are watching
from a safe distance,

which makes me very happy.

So, without further ado,
let's meet those mighty warriors

fighting out to win
my big, golden noggin!

Daisy May Cooper! APPLAUSE

Johnny Vegas! APPLAUSE

Katherine Parkinson! APPLAUSE

Mawaan Rizwan! APPLAUSE

And Richard Herring! APPLAUSE

And beside me,
frustratingly out of reach, it's...

HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Horne!

CHEERING

Thank you, Greg. How have you been?

I-I look great. OK.

Because of the new diet that
I, like a lot of people, are on. OK.

The Tetris diet. I just eat
shapes that tessellate, so...

Four sausages in the morning,
they go straight down.

Cheese slices for lunch.

And then, lamb chops... for dinner.

And then, if they... if you
complete a line, it disappears,

and you don't put on any weight.

Are you enjoying my... Tetris diet?

Is that the end of the story now?
Story complete.

You've been eating Tetris food?
Yes, yes.

Prize Task? Yeah. You know it, dude.

And this week... Oh, no. No.

Yeah, that's not going to fly.

You know it... Don't call me "dude".

And this week, they've been asked
to bring in the best thing

with loads of holes in it.

The person that's brought in the
best thing with loads of holes in it

will get five points
and, at the end of the show,

the player with the most points

will take home
a whole lot of holes, Greg. Yes.

I'm aware of how it works. Right!

Last week, nearly all of the prizes
for the Prize Task

were extremely pedestrian.

THEY LAUGH
Mawaan, what is your thing?

The best thing with holes in it that
you've spent ages thinking about?

I recently become a godfather.

I thought it would be nice
to crochet my godson a little bunny.

So that's what I've brought in.
Here we go.

ALL: Aww!

Now, this is what
it's meant to look like.

Um, this is what I managed.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So that is six hours of work.

Er... LAUGHTER CONTINUES

KATHERINE: That... Sorry.
Is that a genuine attempt?

That is genuinely me really trying.

I mean, that would scare the life
out of the child, wouldn't it?

I don't know, man.
I think, apart from the ears,

it's pretty uncanny.

What I like about it
is it's original.

You've made a bit of an effort.
Yeah.

R-R-Richard? Yes!

Honeycomb. Right.

Here it is. OK.

It's got lots of holes in it,
and it's the best thing. Oh!

Oh, it's proper. Yeah.

Proper honeycomb
that bees have made.

And that's made by insects,
and it's still better than...

OK, all right. All right, Richard.

It's not bad. Thank you.
It's got holes in it. Thank you.

Um, who is next? Daisy?

Let your imagination go wild.

Crumpets.

OK. Last place.

LAUGHTER

There it is. It's a crumpet.
It has got holes in it.

MAWAAN: You can never burn
a crumpet in a toaster.

You can. Oh, OK. I did it.

I did it... I've never been
challenged on that, so...

No, yeah, that's true, actually.

You can only do it... You have
to do it twice to make it, yeah.

JOHNNY: Yeah, it can pop up once.

I've got a crumpet setting
on my toaster.

ALL: Ooh.

And I've got a new technique
for buttering it.

You take quite a big lump of butter,
pop it at the end of your Kn*fe...

..smear it round...

But that's how you butter
everything... and let it melt.

LAUGHTER
No, no, because then... No.

No, then I remove the...
I remove the large lump of butter.

I've just melted just enough on...
Not much difference.

We've done a fairly good job
of breathing a bit of life

into the fact that
you've just brought a crumpet in.

Yeah, I mean, I didn't even have to
say anything other than "crumpet".

Katherine? Yes, so I have a husband.

He did panto a few years ago,

and he played an ugly sister,

and so I'm presenting an item
of his costume.

Here they are. RICHARD: Ooh.

They are extra-large
fishnet stockings in red, Greg.

What's special about them?

That they're made for a large man?
They're made for a large man.

And, I mean,
there are holes in them.

Quite big holes in them. Yeah.

And I was just trying to think
outside the box, I suppose.

Pfft. But I don't think
I've done very well, have I?

I told you about
my buttering system, haven't I?

So we can't go to that.

They're generally considered
to be a sexy garment, Greg.

I was trying to do that,
yeah, be a bit sexy.

It doesn't do it for me.

Does it make you sexually aroused,
Alex?

Yes. OK.

Yes, it does. That's why you're...

That's why I'm sat like this, yeah.

Oh, Jesus Christ.
These are some of the worst ever.

Luckily... The worst ever.
THEY LAUGH

Ten series. Incredible.

Still got Johnny's, though.
Oh, yeah, go on.

You're not going to like it.
LAUGHTER

He might like it. If you've got
an issue with crumpets...

It's a teabag. Oh, for f*ck's sake.

LAUGHTER

It's the best thing
with holes in it!

It's an integral part of our lives.

It paid for my first divorce.

LAUGHTER

But that one was pyramid-shaped.

I forgot about your tea past. Yeah.
Now it's making sense. Yeah.

You said the "best" thing,
not the "most inventive" thing.

The best thing with holes...
No, I know. But it's all...

It's got lots of holes in it, Greg.
Lots of holes.

I mean, maybe
if you'd sold it harder,

the teabag would've done better.

Mate, I did five years doing that.
Now no director will come near me.

LAUGHTER

OK. Here we go. What's
the worst thing with holes in it?

Johnny's teabag.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Really? Yeah.
You'd do right to cheer.

You'd do right.
DAISY: I can't believe it!

It's only because I've got a bit
of personal interest in crumpets...

..having recently revolutionised
the buttering system

that you're even in with a shout,
mate.

I am in a proper huff
for the rest of the show.

One point and a huff for Johnny.
Crumpet...

So crumpet in fourth place?
Yeah, yeah. Two points to Daisy.

That's correct. Incredible.

Honeycomb, stockings -
a bit different, isn't it? Yes!

Bit different. That's the most...
Four points to Katherine.

It's a bit different,
her husband wears stockings.

And they're very sexy.
I'll take it! Yeah, good.

Awful rabbit wins.

Five points to Mawaan Rizwan!
Awful rabbit wins!

APPLAUSE

Let's have a task proper
and get this show started. OK, then.

And, almost too excitingly, it's the
very first team task of the series!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Hi there. JOHNNY: Hi, Alex.

Oh... Hello, Daisy. Hello.

Just a quick chat
before you do that? Yeah.

I just want to ask you
about your outfit.

What would you like to ask?

Do you think
you've made good choices? Um...

The stickers have kept falling off.

Um... but, yeah, I think
Achievement Woman is quite apt.

I've achieved quite... quite a lot.

You look very nice. I do, don't I?

I feel gangster.

JOHNNY LAUGHS

Please stand on your little box.
Hey, mate.

This feels a bit Formula ,
doesn't it? Yeah, doesn't it?

KATHERINE: Ah! Hi! Hey.

Hello. Oh, God!

THEY LAUGH

You know this is my task?
Do I? No, I don't know.

"One of you must mount
the umpire's chair.

"The other two must stand
on the spots by the piano.

"You have one minute
to get into your positions.

"Your time starts now."

Right. Who's going where?

I suggest that I'm the closest
to a heart att*ck,

so I should be the one sitting down.
OK.

Do we open it together?
Yeah, this one is a team task. OK.

Do you want to open it?
Oh, my goodness. All right, ready?

You do that side. Ooh.

OK. Mawaan and Katherine,

please can you put on
your ear-defenders?

And Johnny's going to open
his task. Oh, I see.

And then you're going to do
your one. Oh, OK. OK?

Right, good luck, Johnny.

Right. Um...

"Make one different noise
for ten seconds every minute

"for minutes.

"Each noise must be slightly
louder than the last.

"And you must make no other noise
during the minutes.

"You must stay on this chair
throughout the minutes.

"Your time starts
when Alex blows the whistle."

Happy with that?

Ten seconds, every minute
for minutes. All right.

Thanks, Johnny. Thank you, Alex.

OK, Mawaan, please read
your task to Katherine.

"Find the treasure."

"Do not break the box."

"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."

WHISTLE BLOWS

JOHNNY: I am not a crook!

Find the treasure...
I am not a crook!

I am not a crook! You all right?

I am not a crook! I am not a crook!

Is that part of the task,
that he's screaming?

I am not a crook!

No, I think that's just Johnny.

LAUGHTER

I've got two things.

One - Richard Herring
walking into a room

causes a woman to shout, "Oh, God!"

LAUGHTER
That's my first observation.

He very calmly walked in,
conducted himself very politely...

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

And secondly, Johnny Vegas
sitting on an umpire's chair,

reciting words from disgraced
US President Richard Nixon -

and no-one even questions
that he's part of the task.

It was particularly hurtful!

They're going,
"He's just being Johnny."

I mean, he literally
was being Johnny. Yeah.

One team was filmed before social
distancing, and one the other.

That's why some were on little boxes
and somebody was up on a chair.

So we'll start with the team
of two - that's Daisy and Richard,

who were allowed
to get close to each other...

I'm not sure Daisy wants that.

Here they are.

There doesn't seem to be enough
information. Let's see... Yes.

Have a look. Is there anything?
Is there a little...?

I don't know if there's
anything in there.

A spade. No. "Encyclopaedia ."

Shall we go
and have a look at that? Yes!

Oh, you clever man! Yes, yes!

Let's find what's
inside Encyclopaedia .

... What's it say?

Text to vasc.

Well, that means nothing.

There's a candle. Pinhole camera.

So, there was a hole in the box.

Was there? This is confusing.

Oh, hold on, what's this? What?

Oh! Ha-ha!

If it's on this page, let's have a
look at this page. He said action.

What next? Action.
What next again? Action, he said.

Francis Bacon. Do you think would be
something to do with bacon?

I'll go back and look...
Let me do this, you do that.

And I'll...

What's second and third boldest
and yet boldest is

a child of its courage
which are the greatest part ye.

Shall we just light that candle?
Are, OK, good thinking.

Yes, good thinking.

It might be inside there. Yes.
Might be something in there.

The key might be in there.
Why don't we just bust it open?

Don't think it is
but we could give it a go.

I might go and look and see
if there's any bacon in the fridge.

Yes! Yes?

Have you found it? Yes! Brilliant!

I don't think it's the right key.

Is there going to be a series
of keys? Do you think if we put...

Find the treasure.
There's nothing in there.

What sort of torch is that, Richard?
Halogen? Neon?

I don't know what that's called.
Ultraviolet.

Ultraviolet. Which means...

There! In here!

Why are you looking at that book?
Because it was...

Don't make massive reference to it

if it's not going to hold
any vital clues.

What massive reference
did we make to it?

Well, that for starters. What does
that say? Encyclopaedia .

And what does your book say?

Oh! Here we go, here we go,
I've found something.

Doormat, doormat.

Doormat.

Here we go. We took our time.

Right. Two doors. Two flaps.

Could it be the shed?

X. X marks the spot!

Hold on! Look! What?

So that's a pinhole camera.

We can look in the box. The box!

Well done.

OK, there's something
written in there.

It says, pull sink.

Pull sink.
Well, that's a sort of sink.

There's a sink in the bathroom.

Or a sink in the caravan. Oh, yeah.

Let's have a look at that.

Oh, here we go.

Yes?

Yes!

Pull the sink.

Right, it's got to be something
in here, though, hasn't it,

because it's... Oh, this sink.

No. Yes.

Ha-ha! Yeah! Treasure!

APPLAUSE

Hooray! We're rich! We're rich!

Well done. Lovely stuff.

I wrote down that
I think that Richard's demeanour

is that of someone on Bargain Hunt

who has been dragged along
by a wife that hates him!

He seems to want
to ingratiate himself with her

throughout the whole thing.

And Daisy's just shouting
over the top of him!

"I'm going to..."
"GET THE CANDLE!"

TIMIDLY: "Yes, I'll get it. I just
wonder if it might be bacon?"

It's like an ' s sitcom!

And just like that,
part one was gone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, everyone,

and welcome back
to our action-packed show. Yes!

This show is like
a massive suitcase that

I packed full to the brim with
neatly folded action. Right, Greg?

HE FLAPS HIS LIPS

Before the break, there was
a treasure hunt team task going on.

Richard and Daisy
found the treasure.

Will the others find it, too?
And if so, will they find it faster?

Well, watch this
and then you'll know.

Is there something in there?

Definitely empty, I think.

But the treasure could be, like,
a piece of paper, couldn't it?

That's true. Gosh, you're clever.

HE CHATTERS LIKE A MONKEY Oh!

Oh, God! Someone!

Why he is he doing
an impression of a monkey?

Oh, maybe he's doing, like,
a hot and cold thing. Oh!

Or maybe his job is to distract us.

So, its fastest wins. OK. Oh!

I'm just going to go in the house.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Is there anything you need to
tell me, Johnny?

HE BEEPS Typewriter?

I don't know what that means.
Front...

But it might be something to do with
the box. "Front side, backside."

And it says...
What does the red line say?

It says,
"Light ring, pinhole camera."

HE GASPS I know where this is!

HE SQUEAKS NOSE

Look, this is it!

Get it in the back of the van!
Is that a clue?

Get it in the back of the van!
Get it in the back of the van!

Well, what are we going to do with
the camera?
HE GASPS

Look inside the box!
Yes, great, well done.

So, it says, "Pull sink."

"Pull sink." Should I pull the sink?

Pull sink. Pull sink.

No, I mean, that's a tub, isn't it?

There's a sink here, isn't there?

Is there another sink in here?

HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES

There's only a sink in the house.

Why is it locked?

Ah, you're going
to have to find the key.

HE WAILS

I think Johnny might have some
information that we need.

I doubt it.

HE SCREAMS

So, it says Encyclopaedia
on there.

Maybe there's a book in the shed.

Encyclopaedia .

HE MOOS

Ah, blowtorch. Oh!

Found a candle. OK.

Going to take ages.

Fun, though.

Yes!

I found a key, Katherine. Wow!

It was in the candle.
That's some next-level sh*t.

HE IMITATES CAR ENGINE

I've never used a blowtorch before.

I've always wanted to use it
on baked Alaska.

Oh, great, great, great. OK.

So, pull sink, yeah? Yeah, I forgot
what the mission was here.

Pull sink.

Pull sink!

Pull... sink.

Oh, is there another sink?

There's a toilet.
Oh, I never knew that!

Oh, my God! We found it!

What is it? What is it?
It's treasure! It's beautiful.

I've stopped the clock. Oh, wow.

Quite cheap treasure.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely. Seemed like a very
effective team, didn't they?

They sort of did, yeah.

You lost confidence
in your initial decision

that Johnny was just
making noises for the sake of it.

You started to think
he was part of it for a while.

The commitment was there
and it was there the whole time.

And you did display an amazing range
of noises. I've got all here.

Oh, good. "I am not a crook,"
then monkey noises,

sex noises, computer noises,

then nose noises, then he shouted,
"Get your bodily thing"

a few times, we think.

A sort of boat noise, then he said,
"I will, I will, I will,"

then "Chirp, chirp, chirp,"

then some raspberries, "Yah", "Moo",
a fax machine, jazz music,

a car, a wasp, a ghost,
sneezing hamster and then pain.

Yeah, and that all came from you.
Mm.

Yeah, incredible. APPLAUSE

Without prompting.

I wrote down
two quite contrasting quotations

about the key being in the candle.

One said,
"Whoa, that's some next-level sh*t."

Yes, he did. It was.

I'm not familiar with youth speak,

but it feels to me that
that should be reserved for, like,

a base jump or something like that.

No. It was impressive, man.

Would you like to hear the quote

I wrote down for Katherine
about the same thing?

Yes, please.

HE CHUCKLES

"I've never...

SHE LAUGHS

"I've never used a blowtorch before.

"I always hoped
I would use it on a baked Alaska."

We're peas in a pod.

Oh, God.

So, in terms of points, Greg... Yes.

..do you want to
take Johnny in isolation?

Because he had a separate task,
to do his noises in minutes.

Which I achieved. They didn't get
increasingly loud, but they...

..he didn't miss one.

OK, because it didn't get louder,
we shouldn't go...

HE CLICKS ..but we should go...

HE CLICKS

So previous-level sh*t. Four points.
Four points. Yes. Yeah.

APPLAUSE
So it's two teams of two.

Daisy and Richard took
minutes and seconds.

Katherine and Mawaan took
seconds and minutes.

Ooh!

So, hang on, we were quicker?
Yes, you won. Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I want to give the team that won
five points each.

That's Katherine and Mawaan. Yeah.
Yay.

And I want to give the team
that came second four points each.

OK, so everyone get lots of
points.

Four points to Richard
and Daisy and Mawaan... Why not?

..and to Johnny, five points.
That's great. I'm happy with that.

It's next-level sh*t!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, what's the scoreboard
update, please?

Well, at this early stage,
things are looking a lot like this.

Johnny's in last place with
five points.

Mawaan has maximum ten points!
Whoa!

APPLAUSE

That's lovely. Absolutely lovely!

OK, lovely. Another one, please.

OK, and just so you know,
I don't think your head

looks like a bunch of balloons.

Hello, Daisy.

Alex. Johnny.

This looks good. Thank you, Mawaan.

It took quite a while.

OK.

HE SHIVERS

HE LAUGHS

"Make the best portrait of the
Taskmaster and his favourite toy..."

"..using only balloons..."

"..pegs and your own clothes."

"Your portrait must fill this frame.

"You have minutes."

"Your time starts now."

Oh, it's like Art att*ck.

No, it's completely different.

Can I ask, do we know
what his favourite toy is?

Do you know what it is?
Do you know what it is?

I don't know what it is.

Is his favourite toy a balloon?

OK, what have we got?

What kind of nose does Greg have?

He's a handsome man, isn't he?
Yes, he is.

Oh, you!

Argh!

This can be a nose.

I know he's
handsome and striking, but I'm...

..I can't think of the detail
of his face. Right.

I didn't know he had
so much white hair.

They don't do balloons in grey,
do they?

It would help if he had,
like, more distinctive features,

do you know what I mean?

What do you wish he had?
Like, a nose ring.

I mean, that might
also be his favourite toy.

It's actually looking
quite like him.

And also a bit like my husband.

His nose keeps wafting away,

but it sort of
does that in real life, doesn't it?

It does drift.

I'm going to give him insane eyes.

He is a very angry man.

He's handsome, isn't he?
You keep saying that.

Oh, wow, is the coat coming off?
Coat coming off.

This is going to be his clothes.

This is his hair.
That's like two fingers.

What am I going
to use for his irises?

Yeah, I think
it's going to be abstract.

Have you thought about his toy yet,
Johnny?

Depending if I run out of time.

I was going to do him strangling
a poodle.

What's that?
What do you think it is, Katherine?

Cream? Cream?

SHE LAUGHS

What is that for? Oh!

I can't believe
I actually didn't think

for a second that I could blow up
the balloons.

Didn't occur to me.

It didn't occur to me! Oh, God.

Bloody hell, it's working.

Oh, you!

It's just his irises.

I can't leave him like that.

Unless I get some mud.

It's like nature's charcoal.
Is it? Yeah.

The thing about art, you've got to
just, like, make a bold choice,

and then just do it.

He absolutely loves lightsabres.

Does he? Yeah. That's convenient.

I mean, that is a
freestanding... duck.

What's that?
It's going to be a duck.

Where do you keep the toys?

Where do I keep the toys?

Toy, toy...

It's Nipple the Wonder Dog!

Oh, please don't burst.

Oh!

WHISTLE BLOWS

There he is!

Do think it's good? Not really, no.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we go.
Shall we see some, then? Yeah, OK.

Well, Katherine, then,
who thought you were very...

She thinks I'm a very handsome man.
Very handsome, but also basically

did a picture of her own husband.

It looked like this.

What the...?

So it's in profile. The toy... Oh!

Oh, I thought the horrible
little toy was...

That's your favourite toy.

She called it a glamorous clothes
cuddly comfort duck.

Oh, yeah, nice. It does like a duck!

I think the eyebrows are bang on.

I'm not sure my nose is...

Sorry, yes... feet long.

No, but my husband's is, so I...

..I channelled his face

to represent your face... maybe.

I think it's a pretty good effort.

If only you'd had some cream to
finish it off.

THEY LAUGH

Do you want to see Daisy's next?
Yes, please.

I can't wait to see
my lovely irises.

I think you're going to enjoy your
ears and your eyes with this one.

Here's your face.

Wow. THEY LAUGH

It's not bad. You look happy.

I mean, couldn't look less like me,
could it?

Look at the size of the body.

Well, the irises moved around a bit.

We can see a few different
versions of the irises, I think.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God. It's all in the irises.
That is fantastic!

Oh, gosh. That's really...

You've made a gif!

You made a gif!

Absolutely rubbish.

Next. Oh.

Do want to see
Richard Herring's picture of you?

Yes, please. It's quite flattering.
Here we go.

Wow. I'll be honest with you,
I don't know if it is flattering.

I just, honestly...

The tummy's good. Yeah.
The anger's good.

Have you been crying as well?
Of course, look at my penis.

I've been rejected.

I've been rejected my whole life!

No! No!

What's my toy, Richard?

It's either your penis or there's
a duck there under your hand.

Yes, you did say it was a duck.

See, like,
you can see its beak there.

And a tail, of course. And the tail.

We can see one more before the
break, if you want. Please.

The artist, Johnny Vegas. All right.

Wow! THEY GASP

God!

What I love is you've
got my one big tooth.

It's difficult, isn't it? So good!

It's so good,
it's, like... almost, like,

it's a shame...

That's going to take some b*ating.
Yes. Let's face it.

It's time for a break from
my rubber face.

Go and burn your eyes on some
advertising fizz

and we'll see you in part three!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello again.

Start of part three, then.
Here we go, I suppose.

Yeah, big boy!

Before the break, we saw some
images of Greg made out of balloons.

It's time to find out why Mawaan
has been left to last.

How long left? Got two minutes left.

Feel like I need to start again.
You're going to start again?

I wouldn't advise that.

His favourite toy is
a permanent marker, OK.

How long left?

minute . OK.

You've got seconds.

seconds, great!

WHISTLE BLOWS

I think it's a masterpiece.

Right.

Well, I mean, I could see
the logic of starting again.

Cos the first one was... just
a collection of balloons. Yeah.

The first one looked like this.

Yeah. LAUGHING

It looks like intestines.

Well, we're not... We're not
marking that, and that's good.

OK, great.

So let's see what we are marking.

This.

LAUGHING

It was meant to fill the frame.
Was it?

Yeah. Well... Yeah.

No, no, it was. We can zoom in.

Here we go. Yeah.

KATHERINE: That has got more
likeness to you than any of them.

To be fair, the eyes...

Yeah. You're looking at Alex.

Let's have a look at them
all together, can we?

All together, OK.

Well, I've got to penalise him
for not filling the frame.

Can we agree on that? Yes.

So, what looks least like me,
obviously,

it's Daisy's.

Oh, what?!

Despite the lightsaber coming out
of your neck? Really?

The lightsaber coming out of my neck
is a lovely touch,

but apart from that,
it's a giant-headed child.

So, is that one point to Daisy?
Correct.

One point for Daisy. Well done,
Daisy, one point, last place.

Right, now, next like me,

I'm going to put Richard
and Mawaan joint...

..fourth. Two points each.

Two points each. OK, that's fine.

The others look quite like me,

so Katherine gets four points
and Johnny gets five.

APPLAUSE
Johnny Vegas is the winner!

There we go.

One more task, please.

GLIDELY.

Hello. All right, Alex?

How you doing? I'm excited.

Are you, yeah?

Just hate wearing a helmet.

Why?

I don't feel very sexy.

It's very safe.

Yeah, I guess safe is sexy.

Really sexy.

This is bringing back a lot of bad
childhood memories at Weymouth.

Ooh.

Ooh, hello.

Oh!

OK.

"Get all the exercise
balls in the hoops."

MAWAAN: "You may not move
the hoops..."

KATHERINE: "..or get out of the
boat. Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now."

Oh, my goodness, what fun. OK.

What fun. I mean,
I can't wait to see them,

so I'm going to suggest we cr*ck on.

I will briefly recognise Katherine's
grandma moan as she got in the boat.

I was hoping they'd be edited out
cos there was quite a few of them.

Ha-ooh!

Well, uh-oh,
it's Mawaan by himself again.

Uh-oh.

"You may not..." What?

"You may not move the hoops
or get out of the boat."

OK.

How am I supposed to move it?

OK, well, that was stupid.

OK, OK. AUDIENCE GROAN

I'm going to do this.

LAUGHING

Ah!

There must be an easier
way to do this.

I should've brought the hoops to...

Why didn't I think of that before?

Yeah, one.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five!

I've stopped the clock.

Thank you.

"You may not move the hoops."

ECHO: "You may not move the hoops."

"You may not move the hoops."

He's back.

He's not back, is he?
I don't think he's back.

He's still away, I think.

sh*t. Yeah.

No! Why didn't you say so?

Well, cos you said it.

Yeah, but why didn't you remind me?

That's not my job.

You said at the top.

And then you kept murmuring
it in your head as you walked off.

Aww.

The arrogance of youth.

RICHARD LAUGHS

And I felt so cool saying that.

I was like, oh, this is going to be
a moment, you know.

I can say, if he hadn't done that,
he still wouldn't have won,

he would've come second. Someone
here did it faster than Mawaan.

And fair play, he was fast.

And he was... He was thinking
laterally and I like that.

Yes. But he f*cked up. Yep.

Who's next?

Next up, here's Richard,
and here is Katherine, as well.

Oh.

Hm.

It's easier on water.

Ooh.

Oh, come on!

No!

This is going to take a long time.

I might... Whoa.

Right, I'm not sure this is going to
be the fastest, but there we are.

I don't think I need these at all.

Whaa!

Come back here.

Well done, Richard.

Ooft!

Ha-ooft.

I'm going to try and throw this.

Ha!

I didn't fall out then.

No, I've got... Ah!

Oh.

KATHERINE LAUGHS

OK.

Yes, Richard.

You stay there.

That is four.

Ooh.

Oh, this is easy.

Oh, my God, I could've put them
all in the boat.

Aah!

Idiot.

f*cking hell. WHISTLE BLOWS

Great. Thank you, Katherine.

Thanks.

All right. Thank you,
Richard. Thank you.

Be careful.

APPLAUSE

Well done.

Oh, sexy stuff.

Sexy stuff.

You know that iconic picture of,
erm, of Michael Jordan?

I know the one.
When he's about to slam it in.

And they used his body shape
on all the trainers. Yes.

Yeah. Is there one for
Richard similar?

There was a little picture of him.

LAUGHING

Just... Just do it.

He actually referred...

He knew it was happening,

he referred to his arse
as his old fella.

Said, "My old fella is showing."

I mean, that's mainly back,
isn't it?

I'm in my s, that's not bad.

Katherine moaning like
a grandmother,

dragging herself around.

Oh, God.

In my defence, my jumpsuit costume
is actually... Was quite...

Limits my movement.
It was quite a stiff material,

which I didn't realise
when I got it.

Despite that, you did move a lot.

You travelled almost twice
the distance of anyone else.

But how fast?

Not fast.

Richard, minutes .

Katherine, minutes and seconds.

OK. God, so you were like nearly
four minutes slower.

All right! All right!

Right, that's three parts
we've piled through.

Come back soon for more Taskmaster,

the only show on TV where successful
comedians battle it out

in a desperate hope of winning
a crumpet and a teabag!

APPLAUSE

Hello there,
welcome back to Taskmaster.

Yes, and if you've just
walked back into the room...

..hello there,
and welcome back to Taskmaster.

Before the break, we saw our
incredibly talented cast right at

the top of their game, inching about
on inflatable dinghies whilst

prodding gym balls
into Hula Hoops.

Last up are Daisy and Johnny.

I haven't got...

Does this move?

It's going to be a battle, this.

Ha, ha-ha-ha!

Ah!

Hang on. Hang on!

Ee-ah!

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Ah! No, no, no!

I haven't got the cardiac ability.

Agh!

ALEX: One.

This is, like, turning
into more of a DVD extra.

I can't do that, I'm going
to have to...

No!

Oh!

This is dehumanising!

LAUGHTER FROM AUDIENCE

APPLAUSE

Go on - and twist... and stop!

Oh, you arsehole!

ALEX: Four.

Yes! Well done, Daisy.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Can I get out now?

Oh, you...!

No! No!

JOHNNY COUGHS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I was about to be disparaging
about the athleticism on display

there, but I would say Daisy,
she looked like a professional.

She did very well. Was she
the fastest? She was the fastest.

Yeah, it doesn't surprise me.
Five minutes, seconds.

You should add that
to your achievements list.

I should, and being pregnant
as well. Yes. Not bloody bad.

We were slightly worried
about this task.

I wasn't. No, we saw that!

Johnny, erm, I thought, when you
first started trying to power

the boat by dragging plastic
oars against concrete...

..that you were just
getting your system right.

But at no point did you
not use the oars.

At one point, you were trying to
move air with the oars...

Like a windmill.

..to power the... I...!

I thought it was strictly,

like, you had to treat
the concrete like water.

Yep. So I thought...

That's quite an assumption.
..you couldn't...

I tell you what, it's not very
often you hear the sentence,

"This is dehumanising," outside
of a documentary about a despot.

How long did Daisy take?
So, Daisy, five minutes .

The absolute winner.
Richard, six minutes , in second.

Katherine, ten minutes two seconds,
Johnny...?

Er, minutes?

Mm - he was ten minutes and
seconds and more seconds

and five more minutes
and then another six minutes

and then two more minutes -
minutes!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's, like, really committed.

That's proper Reach For The Stars,
next-level sh*t, that.

Keep coming in fourth place, and
what do you want to do with Mawaan?

Does he get any points? He moved...

No, I'm afraid he doesn't,
he's disqualified. Zero points.

Zero points. Yeah.
Daisy wins the task! There it is!

Quick look at the scores.

We have three people in last place,
but last week's last person

is now in first place,
it's Katherine, with points!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, everyone, stay where you are
- apart from you, Alex.

Please head to the balcony
for the final task of the show.

Hello, Greg. Hello, Alex.
I headed to the balcony.

Who's going to read the task out?

I would like Katherine
to read the task, please.

"Guess the things
that are making the noise.

"You will receive one point
for every correct answer.

"Most accurate guesser wins."

I'm going to be making
some noises from up here. Yep.

I'll be bashing two things
together. Yep.

You've got paddles,
with pictures of the things on.

There are ten options.

You need to put two options up
either side of your face.

You'll have ten seconds
to make your guess each time,

and you get a real point
for every correct answer.

So, there's potentially
ten points to be won. Ooh.

And keep looking at me
throughout, please.

Greg, are you ready for the first
noise? I am, on the edge of my seat.

Here we go.

PAN PINGS There it is.

Make your decision.

Oh!

Excellent.

Good.

Excellent... LAUGHTER

They've been registered?
Well, the correct items were...

..toasted sandwich maker
and a bottle.

OK. So, a point for Katherine,
a point for Richard,

a point for Daisy, one for Mawaan.
Are you enjoying the game

so far, Greg? Yeah.
Oh, my God, it's almost sexual.

OK, please look at the Taskmaster.

Please!

LEG HITS PAN SOFTLY There it is.

I can't even say it.

They're making their choices.

This is absolutely amazing.

With the exception of Mawaan,
everyone's got it totally right.

It was a leg and a frying pan.

And Mawaan has still got one.

Yeah. It's going to get tougher.

Yeah, but I was
working on the thousand monkeys,

thousand typewriters thing,

you just hold the same two up,
and it's got to be...

Noise number three, coming now.
Here we go.

SWORD STRIKES UKULELE
Oh, lovely. Lovely.

They've made their choices.
The correct answer was...

..sword-ukulele. So, I can reveal
the only person who got a point

is Richard Herring for ukulele.

Here we go. Noise number four.
Feel the rush!

OK. There we go.

They've all made their choices.
Yep. The correct answer was...

..bugle-toasted sandwich maker.

Oh! Points abound, though.

Three points got picked up.

It's the final noise. Whoa!

You're disappointed by the noise
those two things made!

Couldn't hear anything...

MALLET STRIKES GRILL
There it is.

What has Katherine gone for?
She's gone for sword and ukulele.

It was not sword and ukulele,
it was mallet and grill!

Ah, mallet and grill! Ah! Well done!

Daisy got both. Whoa!

So did Richard Herring! It was
a rubber mallet. Why don't you

come back down and we'll add that
to the final scores

and see where we are? OK.

All right, adrenaline junkies!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you. Welcome back.

Thank you - what a great
game of fun noises we had.

What's it done to
the final scores, though?

I'm going to tell you. I mean,

the listening of some of
these guys, it was next-level sh*t.

Wasn't it? It really was.

Particularly by Daisy and Richard.

Six out of a possible ten
they got right.

So, they get six points each.

Pretty cool! It is pretty cool.
Mawaan did fine, four out of ten.

The worst guys were these two,
Katherine and Johnny,

both got three right... Ah.

..which has affected the scores
in quite a big way. I bet.

Yes, because she was in the lead -
she's still in the lead,

but not alone. The final
scores look like this - Katherine

AND Richard have points!

AUDIENCE: Ooh! Tie-break?

There's only one possible way
to solve this, Greg,

with a wind-up toy tie-break.

They had to select
a wind-up toy dinosaur

and release it from
the starter mark.

They had seconds to select

their dinosaur before letting it
do its thing.

Furthest distance covered wins,
but if it falls off the table,

it's game over.
Here's how they got on.

You can test them, you can
practice for seconds. Oh!

I just like that colour.

I don't like that one.

That's a lunatic.

They're all quite speedy.

Too quick.

He's my boy.

WHISTLE BLOWS

AUDIENCE: Oh!

LAUGHTER

I think we're quite well matched.

Unbelievably, with a score of cm,

Katherine Parkinson won! Incredible!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Katherine Parkinson wins the show!

Please go and collect
your holy prizes! Whoo!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, what have we learnt today?

In any relationship,
you have your ups and downs.

So, if you're at home tonight
wondering what you have

in common with your spouse,
remember, it could be worse,

you could be muttering about bacon

whilst being shouted at
by Daisy May Cooper.

See you next time for Episode Three!

But, for now, let's appreciate
tonight's winner one more time,

Katherine Parkinson!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING