11x04 - Premature Conker

[bunniefuu]

Boo!

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded
in accordance with

all social distancing guidelines
in place at the time of filming.

Yow! I just need to read that again.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Hello, I'm Greg Davies,
welcome to Taskmaster.

As we're near the halfway
point of the series,

I'd like to take a moment to
reflect.

There are those that say Taskmaster
is a show without meaning,

that five comedians step
into an arena and when they leave,

they've learnt nothing.

They've made fools of themselves on
national television, brought shame

to their families and in some cases
caused themselves physical harm.

To those that would reduce this
show to a grotesque spectacle

watched over by a big fat man
and a hairy sausage I say this,

please welcome Charlotte Ritchie...
APPLAUSE

...Jamali Maddix... APPLAUSE

...Lee Mack... APPLAUSE

Mike Wozniak, and Sarah Kendall.

APPLAUSE

Now, eagerly sizzling in the pan
next to me, statistics

are his foreplay ancl spreadsheets
his post-coital cigarette.

It's the little Alex Horne!

Didn't mind that one. Nice, eh?

It implies I had a bit of fun.
Yes.

And also, I have finished maths.

Oh.

OK, we're going back to this one,
are we?

Well, I think we should give it a try
because I learnt all of maths for this.

So, I presume there's
a calculator in this.

Yes, I popped a working
calculator into your drawer.

Right.

I can answer any sum,
I'll pop that down.

Do you wanna pick a sum, Mike?

Erm, , .

, ... One, three, two, four,
three.

One, three, two, four, three.

Yep. One, three, two, four, three.

You are doing plus?

Plus , .

Divide that by .

We're adding , , divided by .

Just before you give me the answer,
take your earpiece out.

Really? Yeah, we'll give you the
final part of the sum.

É

F

Plus one, , .

No, it is that. Yeah.

Do another. He's got two ears, mate.

Yeah, I've got two earpieces.

I've got two earpieces.

É

I'm impressed with that.

That's genuinely the best thing
you've ever done,

and I don't mean on this show.

What's the prize task category
this week, please?

Well, it's quite simply
the Craziest Thing.

You'lljudge whose thing is
the craziest, they'll get five

points, and the overall winner will
take home five crazy things.

It's crazy. Jamali.

It's pretty crazy cos, d'you
know what, yeah?

I feel like you haven't
enjoyed my other prizes.

Correct. I've got a photo of a
baby smoking.

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember that boy.

Yeah, pretty mad, innit? Yeah.

Yeah,
but he gave up cos he's a quitter.

Yeah, so I thought that was pretty mad, innit?
That is your best prize by some distance.

There you go. It's a happy ending to
that story, by the way.

Smoking's bad, he now thinks
chocolate is better than smoking.

Ahh, good.

Lee, what have you brought in?

Urn, well, I brought in something
that I find particularly crazy

and that is, uh,
a lady's swimming costume.

Not just any lady's swimming
costume,

I'm the kinda person that thinks,
ooh, what's underneath that costume,

and I know you're thinking, hello,
bit of old school sexism there.

Yeah. I mean really underneath
the costume.

Here it is.

Q

It's absolutely disgusting.
Well done.

Thank you. I think it's educational
in a crazy sort of way.

Good. Hello, Charlotte.
What have you brought in?

F

É

What d'you mean?

There've been seven inaugurations
since she's been born.

Four presidents.
You've been at four inaugurations?

Wow.
Of Charlotte at each of them.

Which are up for grabs,
is that right?

So, the first one here, Clinton's
one, you can see her there.

Where? Where? Where? Oh, that little

Oh, God, the disappointment's
so crushing that this is fake.

Hang on, I'm confused. Is the story true but
the pictures fake or the whole thing's fake?

F

É

Oh, right. Let's see all four
pictures before we decide whether

this is a fake story. OK. Here's
Charlotte at George W's inauguration.

OK. Yep, there she is.

Yeah, yeah.

I am beginning to think it's true.

OK, we're up to Obama.

There she is. Where, where are you?

There she is. Oh, yeah. Yep, yep,
yep. Oh, yeah!

That's when you went through your
awkward teenage phase...

...when your head was four times
bigger than anyone else's.

And most recently, and you said
this was your favourite,

Donald Tr*mp's inauguration.

That one's quite convincing
apart from the fact that again that

you're giant.
Well, that one actually, is real.

Is it? What a twist!

Nah, it's not real.

Aw!

So, absolutely none of this is true?

But it's beautifully plausible.
Hmm. Like, I believed it.

Yeah, and the fact
that I believed it is crazy.

Ooh. Next up, it's Mike.

Oh, what have you got for us?

So, I am not much of a,
sort of domestic god

and as a housemate,
I'm not too much trouble,

but there's a very specific toilet
based, sort of infraction that

I, I do not understand
for which there is an image.

This is his crazy thing.

Are you saying this is what
makes YOU crazy?

No, I think this choice is crazy.

If you're gonna put it anywhere
you could put it on the floor,

you could take it with you,
put it in your pocket,

put it behind, whatever. You've
chosen to put it on, ON the bin.

Yeah. For which,
all you need to do is - pop.

Good. Good? I think it's crazy.

OK. Sarah, crazy?

Crazy. So, I went to a, uh,
a dinner party and my recollection

of the whole evening was incredibly
insane but there was a candle

that they had on the table and the
candle was hundreds of angels'

faces in the wax and then they lit
the candle and as the night steadily

got drunker and drunker and the
evening felt stranger and stranger

there were melting angels' faces
kind of drooping down the candle.

Here are the melting angel faces.
They're horrible.

Frightening. It was like we'd
angered the gods or something.

I don't know what you're
offering up as crazy here,

melty angels or the collective
experience?

The collective experience.

Now's the time to judge, Greg.

Melted crazy faces,
toilet situation.

I didn't, I didn't find Lee's
costume particularly crazy

and I'm gonna give it one point.
OK, so it's one point to Lee.

I'm gonna give, I'm gonna jump to
three points cos I think there's

some proper crazy goes on from that
point onwards.

Three points to...

To the smoking baby.

A joint four points. Ooh!

To Charlotte and to Wozniak, but
I think I'm being very generous

here because I think I'm giving him
crazy points because he's crazy.

Yes,
he did just put something on a bin.

Ancl five points, I mean, no-one's gonna
b*at that, I mean, it's absolute madness.

Melted angel faces. Sarah Kendall
takes the big five.

Well done, Sarah Kendall,
five points.

Let's move on. Task, please.

Yes, we start today's show with
some banana drama.

Hello, Alex.

What's in the mug?

É

No, I like it. Yeah.

Shall I just, uh, cr*ck away?

Yes, please. Please cr*ck away.

Right, I'm looking at a frozen
banana.

Am I allowed to touch these things,
Alex?

All the information's in the task,
Lee.

Can I take this off?
I can't hear a thing you're saying.

É

Oh, it's cold.

"You may not break the bottle."

"The bottle may not leave the lab.
Fastest wins."

é

It's the old, uh, frozen banana in
the bottle - classic.

Yeah. It's like a ship in a bottle
but a banana instead of a ship

and it's not often you can use
a banana instead of a ship.

Good. Let's play on.

Ooh, OK.
Well, first it's Jamali and Lee.

Ahh.

Right, OK, it's got a number on it,
so I have to find the code, don't I?

You've gotta get the banana in the
bottle. Oh, hello,

there's a code at the bottom.
It says .

Hello.
Urgh, it's disgusting this stuff.

Oh, it came off.

Bingo.

É

Oh, hang on,
there's something in the bottle.

Oh, no. Oh, for the love of God.

I mean, I'm tempted to just pour
it all over the floor,

but I have got some dignity,
unlike the other people,

the young people who'll throw
it all over the floor.

OK.

F

É

HE LAUGHS

é

Ah, all the information's
in the task there, Jamali.

É

F

Ahh, there we go.
It might be that my b... Ah!

Oh, it's jelly, I think.

Did you microwave the banana?

How long for?

É

AUDIENCE GROANS

This is horrible.

I think if you heat jelly up it
liquefies, doesn't it?

SQUELCHING

é

Well, we've got a Hoover.

Can we get you a Hoover? OK.

Right. Now, watch.

I think I've just demonstrated
lateral thinking there.

HOOVER WHIRS

LAUGHTER

é

An industrial Hoover? We don't
have an industrial Hoover, no.

Get the banana defrosted,
get all of that in there.

F

Right, that's the jelly out.

Great.

All of the banana,
that's gotta be the skin, right?

AUDIENCE GROANS

F

The bottle's full. HE LAUGHS

I'm doing everything in my powers
not to masticate it,

but at the moment it's
looking like it might have to be.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Hot or cold? It's confusing.

Free... Boiling on the outside,
freezing in the middle.

I'm very... Actually,
it's quite nice.

É

What's in your hand?

Oh, right.

F

É

£

F

F

OK.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

What are you doing, Lee?
Sharpening the end.

AUDIENCE GROANS

é

Q

Stop the clock. Ah!

HE LAUGHS

Stop it?

Yep. OK. There we go.

I love that you correctly predicted
the poor behaviour of the youth.

I knew it. I knew it. Just no consideration,
just all over the floor and I was making a...

é

É

And then spat it into the thing,
yeah.

It was a lovely metaphor for the
difference between two age groups as

well in that you thought, I'm gonna
melt this jelly and it'll logically

fall out of the bottle, whereas you
asked for a Hoover to suck it out.

Yeah, I didn't, it was only later
on I realised that if you add

water to it that it obviously fills
up with air and pushes it out

but I, yeah, I just thought
I could hoover it out or something.

It's the folly of youth.
Yeah, yeah.

Have you got some fascinating
statistics?

Lee said the futility levels on
this show are beyond the realm

and scored minutes
and seconds.

All right. And to put that into
context, Jamali,

after getting a blender, a Hoover, a
spoon, a funnel, towel, pumps,

minutes and seconds.

Ahh. More than twice.

Lovely to see the older
generation winning the day.

Yeah. Cos something we know about
is mashing up our food.

Having a lovely banana
snack as well.

OK, it's the end of part one,

your task at home is to go to
the fridge, take in about ,

calories and then come back
full of regret and vulnerable.

See you after the break.

CHEERING

Hello! Welcome back to part two
of tonight's show.

Before the break, there was
a banana task under way.

They were trying to get a frozen
banana into a bottle packed full of jelly.

All of our parents are going to be
so proud.

Now, who is the man behind the
moustache? It's Mike Wozniak.

So, here is Mike Wozniak's
banana bash.

So that's... What is that?
Vaseline or something?

I think it's Vaseline.

HE LAUGHS OK.

Uh, OK.

Um, right, so this is frozen.

OK, that's unexpected.

Uh, the bottle may not leave
the lab, but I might leave the lab.

Back in a tick. OK.

BLEEPING

OK. Right, I'm going to start, see
if I can,

sort of very slow to, uh, actually

go in the actual bottle which is
full of stuff.

Right, there we go, a twist,
but full of what?

That's the question.

Right, I've made a pig's
ear of this.

Right, OK, I'm going to try
and empty the bottle.

Back in a mo. Jelly.

It's full of jelly.

What dissolves jelly?
Come on you cheeky scamp.

Hello, Mike. Hello.

Look at that,
that's going in beautifully.

Gentle pummelling action on the old
banana udder's working very nicely.

Skin time.

Do you want me to ask you what time it is?
Uh, you can ask me what time... What, what...

Well, I thought
you might then say, "Skin time."

Oh, skin time. Thank you.
I didn't... Oh, right, OK.

I've never... I've not come across
skin time before.

You did say skin time.
Did I say skin time? Yes.

Oh, right, OK.
What time is it, Mike?

It's skin time. Thank you.

Skin time is the right time.

Don't mind a bit of finger in there,
do you?

Done. I've stopped the clock.
Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Well, Wozniak...

...if you had to choose one
of the catchphrases that have got

the nation talking would it be
"bamboo time" or "skin time"?

I think skin time feels... Because
skin time's the right time, am I right?

Skin time is the right time,
but it feels a bit blue to me, so

I think, uh, bamboo time's probably
got a bit more universal appeal.

It feels like there's an elephant in
the room. Yeah, I know.

Well, I know what the
elephant in the room is

and it crushed my spirit
seeing that.

It's like you're doing an operation
and just, uh,

whipping out the wrong organ.
Heart-breaking.

Just leaping out the window with it,
yeah. Yeah.

Yes, you did, it left the room,
which is a shame

because he got through
everything else.

He was the quickest -
ten minutes, seconds.

But it's a lot easier if you leave
the room with the bottle.

Skin time is the wrong time.

But what you saw there was a man who
thought it was jelly o'clock

and tick-tock, he should've stopped
and checked his watch. Right.

And seen that in fact,
it was stay-in-the-room time.

Unlucky, loser. What's next?

Finally, it's Charlotte and Sarah.

É

OK, are you going to
do all the numbers? Hm.

É

F

"The bottle may not leave the lab."

But I can leave the lab.

I can leave the lab? OK, all right.

Q

É

What's the problem?

Ah.

F

How long are you microwaving it for?

Two, two minutes.

Oh, it's frozen.

I've got it on high.

F

Ahh. Urgh.

Q

Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER Ah, it's hot.

It's so hot and yet so cold.

Ow! No.

Oh, sh*t, that's...
That's not going to work.

I now have to remove the banana
that's already in there.

É

Something's shifting.

LIQUID SLOPS IN BOTTLE

I'm doing something wrong,
but I'm going to stick with it.

Q

Oh, I think
we've made enough space now.

OK. All right.

Just look away, guys.

f*cking, come on. Yeah,
yeah, it's in.

And I seem to be masturbating
a highly lubricated bottle but,

kind of, trying to shove
banana into the eye of its penis.

OK?

É

Yeah, there we go and then
we use the that's what we do.

É

Then there won't be any
banana left I suppose.

É

Q

F

F

OK, there, I think I'm finished.
OK, I've stopped the clock.

É

I've stopped the clock.

APPLAUSE

Are you under the impression that if you put
something in the bin it doesn't exist any more?

I wrote down a quote.

Cos I don't think that you'll ever
say this again in life,

"What's happened here is
I haven't displaced enough jelly."

F

Sarah, once you'd said,
"What I'm doing here is,

"I'm ramming a banana
into the end of a penis,"

I didn't hear any other words you
said cos all I could see is that...

Huh, really? ..awful image.

Oh, I really enjoyed,
"Something's shifting."

I don't remember being...

"Something is shifting!"

Do you want me to give you some
time, Greg? I do, yeah.

OK, well, uh,
Mike is disqualified cos he.

Tragic. Cos of the elephant in the room. He
took the elephant out of the room, as you know.

Yeah.
Charlotte stopped at minutes, .

Three seconds after Jamali's time.
OK.

So she's either second last or
disqualified

cos she didn't get all
the banana in the bottle.

Yeah, yeah, give her a point.
Why not?

She made it disappear with
her magic bin.

Charlotte, you get one point.

Jamali's definitely in third
with minutes, .

We know that Lee got minutes, .

Sarah, eight minutes, .

Acht minuten.

So, she definitely gets
the five points.

APPLAUSE

Scoreboard, please.

Mike is in last place with ,

our series leader Sarah is leading
the episode too with points.

Mm-hmm. Das ist gut.

One more task, please.

OK, matey boy, it's team time and,
as a little nod to how you put me

to bed each night,

they've been shackled in chains with
bells attached to them.

Here we go.

I think me and you are probably
the least appropriate

dressed for the hottest
day of the year.

Please mount your podiums.
Thank you.

Hello, team. Hey.

Please stand on a box
and, when you're on your box, please

put on your little gloves
and your belt.

Thank you.

É

Yes, please.

"Put the bag of salt on that
table over there."

Ah. I assume so.

"No-one may move
while holding the bag of salt."

"If the bag of salt touches the ground at any
point you must return to your starting point."

"If any bell touches the ground at any point
you must return to your starting point."

Bell.

"You may not touch the rope
or your belts.

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now."

Looks like a fun game.
I do it with my children.

All makes sense to me. Mm-hmm.

I've not got much to say, other than
the sight of Lee and Mike just

reminded me of a nurse bringing her
delusional patient across a field.

Shall we start with them?
Yes, please.

They've got an average
age of . with Lee doing

most of the heavy lifting there.

It's Mike and Lee.

Uh, so no-one may move
while holding the bag of salt.

Well, can we maybe use the... Uh, what
about using the, the sheet to wrap the...?

Cos then we're not physically holding the bag
of salt, we're holding the sheet bagged up.

É

I wonder, if we clear off the stuff,

the idea is to wrap the thing up,
so it becomes a bag,

so we're not
actually holding the bag of salt.

Yeah, but they wouldn't...

Oh, yeah, exactly, yeah.

One person's doing all the work,
the other guy's just stretching the belt.

É

É

Right. Yeah?

É

Yep.

F

É

É

With you completely but we're not in
Mack world, we're in Taskmaster world.

Q

F

Want us to get a little bit closer?

F

Ooh!

F

Everything's fine.

I've sort of twizzled.

OK.

Yep.

I've stopped the clock. Sweet.
Do you think you completed the task?

HE LAUGHS I don't really
remember what the task said.

I enjoyed myself.
Are you a bit dirty now, Mike?

I'm salty.
I don't think that's the same thing.

Are you now?

OK, well you can, uh,
remove the belt.

APPLAUSE

You, specifically, looked like you were having the
time of your life there. I was having a lovely time.

You looked like a provincial
vicar tied to Lee Mack,

trotting across a field without
a care in the world.

It brought me
back to my old morris dancing days.

This is just...

Just good clean fun
on a summer's day...

I don't doubt you have
morris danced in your life.

...breeze in my hair,
and a bag of salt to play with.

Yeah. What more can a boy ask for?

There was some real
insight into the Mack family there.

Does she quiz you about the contents
of the shopping bags?

F

É

É

Well, look, they told me to stop
the clock at four minutes, . Yep.

I thought we were pretty slick.
Goodbye, part two.

We're finished. We tried to make it
work, but it didn't.

It's no-one's fault. I think
we just need space.

It's hard enough as it is. Just go!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to
Taskmaster.

Give me a recap please, Alex,
in the form of a performance poem.

OK, are you going to lay down
a b*at?

Sure, man. Here we go.

GREG BEATBOXES

The task before the break
involved passing salt.

Mike and Lee passed the salt.

Next, it's time
for the team of three

and that is the recap poem by me.

Rubbish. APPLAUSE

F

Yeah. Oh, OK. Yeah.
Or we could swivel round.

OK. What?

BOTH: OK.

Yeah, amazing. And then we're going
to throw it to each other?

All right.

OK, who do I throw it to now, Sarah?
At me.

And then... Don't step.

%

So you can't move when you're...
When you're holding the salt.

OK, ready? Yeah.

All right.

Oh, yeah, great. OK.

You can't step.

Oh, OK. Yeah.

OK.

Come on, guys.

Let's get a bit of hustle. OK.

Q

OK.

All right.

Oh, we've got problems.

Agh! OK.

É

Salt? Oh, guys, guys, guys, it
says...

This is sugar, it's not salt.

So, let's... Go round

this way. Careful, careful.

OK.

F

Yeah.

Also, I just touched the...
I just touched the rope.

The bells touched the ground.
Sorry, you've got to start again.

Yeah. God's sake.

OK?

Yeah, we better start.
Yeah, OK. Yeah. OK.

Keep going. Go!

É

OK. OK.

Yeah, you got it.

Just...

I've stopped the clock.

Well, there's some salt in a bag
on the table I suppose.

APPLAUSE

é

Watching yours,
knowing that you didn't know gave me

an insight into how you feel all
the time and it felt incredible.

Did it feel good? Smug.

F

It was really enjoyable knowing
that you messed up!

And then just watching it and watch
him be like, yeah, yeah!

And, you know what,

he didn't say nothing, but he gave
a little eye to Mike, just went

like that and that was just...

é

"This tastes sweet."

F

F

When Sarah's dramatic revelation -
which I think we should watch, cos

I thought it was worthy of a movie
role, this.

OK, this is the dramatic moment.

Agh.

Oh, guys, guys, guys.
This is sugar, it's not salt.

Yeah! Genuinely. Wow.
That's a proper thriller.

É

One fact.

But what you can't take away from me

is that I had an absolutely
lovely day.

Well, very exciting and catastrophic
for these two clowns.

It's up to you how many points
you want to give the team of two.

Can't give them anything. No. Didn't put
salt on the table. And the team of three?

Five points each. It's a big day for
them.

Five points to the team of three.

APPLAUSE

Very good.
Let's go, what's next?

Loo roll! Uh-oh.

Got to look for the, er,
look for the task?

Yes, please. OK. Um...

é

All right. I'm good. You?
Your goggles.

Ooh, sorry, can I do that again?
You can do it again.

Sorry.

Only this sheet of loo roll may
touch the ground.

É

And the loo roll inner tube must
stay on the loo roll

holder at all times.

F

F

You have minutes.
I just need to read that again.

Yeah, absolutely.

There's a task in there for you.
Did you see it?

No, I can see that.

We printed it on paper.

Oh, did you really?

É

Yeah, it was on there, yeah.

É

É

How long do you think
a roll of loo roll is?

Good question. Thank you.

Lee, I'm just going to reattach
the original sheet,

then I'll start the clock.

Please don't break it again.

F

É

You have minutes.

Your time starts now.

F

Yeah.

É

Oh, dear. Genuinely, Lee had some
banana from the banana task

stuck on his helmet,

so he went in there and cleaned
off the banana with the task.

I mean, what struck me instantly

is that there were four people
getting stuck into Taskmaster

the show, and then Lee was, er,

taking part in a documentary
about a care home.

Confused!
"I've got banana on my helmet!"

"Oh!"

£

You didn't even put it in the bin.

What's that going to do to you?

It's rising, it's rising.
It's rising. It's bubbling up, yeah.

First up, it's Charlotte
and Michael.

Right.

OK, excuse me.

F

£

É

F

Yeah.

Trying to construct a little
loo-roll rise.

Do you think everyone's
going to do this method?

Great.

I've got too, er, unravel this
beast, because, otherwise,

I think I'm going to get myself
in a pickle.

É

Gently, gently, does it.

É

F

Somehow.

OK, come on.

É

I'm footing the ladder.

So we've reached the point at which
I've ceased to think things

through very carefully.

Is it?

É

F

How are the weather conditions?
They're, they're brisk.

It's your perfect,
sort of, you know,

after-lunch walking weather, I'd
say.

But, er, in terms of sticking toilet
paper onto some

PVA glue - sub-optimal.

Please be careful, Charlotte.

Q

Five minutes to go.

Five minutes? Crumbs.

OK, two ticks.

F

Flirting with the ground
quite often.

£

É

That's come loose.

OK.

Careful, Mike. Tense. Yes.
Tense moment.

É

OK.

That's it.

I've boobooed.

Thanks, Alex. Thank you, Mike.

APPLAUSE

I mean, fascinating. I've known Mike
for some time.

I've seen him dancing in a pair
of tiny, little, gold hot-pants.

Just an absolute maniac.

And yet, the Mike that I'm presented
with here says things like,

"I'll have to unravel this,
otherwise I'm going to get myself

"into a pickle." "Crumbs."

What's the weather like?

"It's perfect after-lunch walking
weather."

That was, yeah, that was really...
What's happened to you?

I don't know.

The after-lunch walking
weather thing really distressed me.

Charlotte, I thought coming out
the window was a lovely touch.

Did you regret not fortifying
all of your toilet paper?

É

É

Let's see what happens.

%

So many catchphrases have been
invented in this series.

I don't know where to start. Keep it
fast, keep it slick, keep it good.

Do your summary. Unfortunately, she
should've kept on the ladder.

They could've both stopped. She'd
reached metres, he'd reached m.

But hers snapped with four minutes
to go, his with three minutes to go.

Well, I imagine Mike had to stop
so he could go

for his afternoon constitution.

Two glorious failures.
Do you want to see some more?

Yeah. OK, next up
are Lee and Jamali.

F

F

Do you have a screwdriver?

Let me get a flat head. Actually...

F

What's... what's that? A weight.

A little rock? Yeah.

F

F

É

É

£

É

You done? Um, how long have I got
left? You've got minutes.

So you've done it?

Right.

Is that further? Nowhere near.

Actually, what, am I...?

I can just go there myself.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Your time's up, Jamali. OK.

Where's the loo roll?
It's way somewhere down there.

I got far and then I kind of
got bored, so I came back.

Will I be able to find it?
Yeah. Keep on going straight.

There's like a water fountain.
It's next to that. A water fountain?

Yeah. Oh, that's pretty.

Like a little drinking fountain. Oh,
so it's functional?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. Lovely.

APPLAUSE

Similar technique by both men,
ex*cuted differently.

Jamali, I'm going to put it to you,

I think you really enjoyed that
task.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I enjoyed... honestly, like, er,

being in that house for so long, you
kind of just want to start

ripping sh*t off the walls.
Sweet technique. Yeah.

Worked a treat, I imagine. Yes.
How far away did he get it?

Well, giraffes lying end to
end. metres. Good.

Lee, same technique -
rip it off the wall. Very clever.

What I enjoyed about it was I think
that that woman was genuinely

frightened of you.

Yeah.

F

You didn't get the opportunity to

look into her eyes because the last
three things you said to her, she

was pretending you weren't
there.

É

Her name is
Rebecca, she wasn't happy,

but she was happy to be involved.
She wasn't happy at first,

because she didn't recognise you
and then she did,

but then she was confused.

She drove to Kew, which is
three miles away.

Right, that's three down
and one to go, until someone wins

Mike Wozniak's finished loo roll
sitting on an old bin.

That's what's at stake here.

And you thought climate
change was important. Hurry back!

APPLAUSE

Hello, here we are again, it's the
final part of tonight's Taskmaster.

Yes, it's very late,
I didn't eat much din-dins

and I'm feeling very weak.

Before the break,
they were trying to get the loo roll

the furthest distance
from where it started

but the loo roll had
to stay in one piece

and the loo roll had to remain
on the loo roll holder at all times

or else the attempt
would be null and void.

To help spell out the rules, I've
actually put together a little video

to show the kind of thing that could
cause an instant disqualification.

It says, "The loo roll inner tube
must stay on the loo roll holder."

So, why don't we get
the loo roll holder off...

...because it probably unscrews,
and then, I can go further.

You've got -and-a-half minutes.

No.

You've got to be kidding me.

£

F

F

F

É

Oh, that it is just...

Oh, honestly.

I mean, basically, you've got
yourself on a police watchlist.

For nothing!

I thought the sugar/salt incident
wouldn't get me any more annoyed.

But that...
I could k*ll you, Alex!

That's two in a row.
Two in a row for Lee Mack.

Let's see how Sarah did. OK.

Of course, toilet roll is famously
used to wipe your down under,

so, does that mean our last
competitor will have an advantage?

It's Sarah Kendall.

OK. I'm just thinking that
I should get some supports in place.

Yep.

I think I'm being really ambitious.

All right, OK, so...

I'd love it if I got right out.
Yeah.

You don't think I'm going to?

I'm very excited
to watch what happens.

OK.

Oh, f*ck. No! No, no.
Did that just touch?

It didn't
but it was incredibly close.

Oh, right, I see the problem
I've got here,

it's gonna start unfurling.
Yeah.

Ooh. No. No, no, no, no!

Right. Getting somewhere?
Yeah, we're getting somewhere.

Oh, no, is that wet?

I've got, I've got a sparesy.

I'm finished.

WHISTLE Thank you.

Thanks.

APPLAUSE

The thing that fascinates me
about the whole show, really,

is how quickly
that becomes normalised,

that I found myself thinking,

ah, she's using the old
boot on a bucket system.

LAUGHTER

And very wise, stopping to dry
the top of a bucket with her arse.

She's an Olympic player, this girl.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I unearthed the skill set
I didn't know I had.

It was great. How far did she get?

Well, it's probably easiest if
you picture it in red blood cells.

Two million red blood cells.
Wow. Wow.

It's a long way, isn't it?
It's not bad.

Just give us some proper statistics.
metres. All right.

Weirdly, that is second place,

but Jamali is the winner
with metres.

There it is!

Is that the first one?

Enjoying yourself now, aren't you?

What the show called?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, that'll do.

On with Taskgame!

Yeah, I can tell you, Jamali could
still win this one, he's on ,

Sarah's on .

APPLAUSE

OK, everyone, please,
make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show!

Do you like it?

I think I like it.

Who's gonna read it?

Charlotte Ritchie...
..is not gonna read it. OK.

Mike Wozniak's gonna read it.

Write down what five things
are in the bowl under the table

and how many of each thing
there are.

You must look at the Taskmaster
throughout this task.

One of your hands
must be in the bowl

and the other must be holding
your pen throughout the task.

You have two minutes.
The most accurate answers wins.

You can look at your writing
when you're writing

but please don't cheat.

There are five different types
of thing in your bowl.

You need to write down what they are
and how many there are.

Does that make sense? Yep. Yeah.

Simple as that,
five different things.

Are you ready?
Your time starts...

BLOWS WHISTLE

Look at me.

Have a good old rummage.



Identify and count, that's the game,
Greg, identify and count.

É

Look at me.

Yeah, as long as you look at Greg.

Please look at Greg, Charlotte.

I'm just watching your eyes there,
they did drift.

£

Look at me, Lee. Look at me.

I think Jamali is actually counting.

He's still looking at me, though,
good boy.

Don't say that, that was really...
really horrifying.

That was actually, like,
that actually... disgust...

Yeah, keep looking.
It's the truth. Stop, stop. Stop.

I'm your destiny. Look at me.

F

Something is emitting an odour,
says Mike Wozniak.

You've got a special treat in yours.

How long left? Lee, look at me.

Yellow ca rd.

That's your catchphrase when you
do stand-up, isn't it? Yellow card.

Who got a yellow card there, Greg?
Lee did.

I've not looked down,
I'm looking at the writing.

He's glancing down like a fish.

No, I'm looking at the paper
that I'm trying to...

You are allowed to look at
your writing, that's fine.

É

Tick-tock. Five seconds.

And...

JAMALI: I'm good.

WHISTLE

That's your time up, please.

Both your hands above the table now,
please.

Ah, come on!

Such a mucky pup.

OK, I'm going to ask Charlotte,

tell me one of the things
you thought you found.

É

How many?

Five. Jamali, ice cubes?

I got six. Six.

I got four. Four.

Three.

Six.

The correct answer was six.

Sarah and Jamali,
one correct answer.

Jamali, please tell me one of
the things you found in your bowl.

É

Uh, I found eggs, but they weren't
hard-boiled. But how many?

Two. Two soft, non-boiled eggs.

É

I said two eggs but I, um, guessed
they were, um, like rubber eggs,

not actual eggs.

Two.

So, everyone gets a point
for that one. Yeah.

Lee, what did you find in your bowl?

Well, disappointingly I found,
uh... hundreds and thousands.

Who else found
hundreds and thousands?

I'll do a joke about
egg fried hundreds and thousands.

Did you? Um, OK.

Did anyone find anything
with a consistency of hundr...

I found rice. Rice. Yes.

And how many grains? , .

I got, uh, , .

F

Jamali wins that one,
it was , grains of rice.

You were the closest.

Mike, apart from eggs, ice,
and hundreds and thousands,

what did you find in your bowl?
A premature conker.

LAUGHTER

A premature conker?

I used to be in a band called
Premature Conker.

Do you remember? Good times.

Anyone else find anything with
a consistency of a premature conker?

I thought they were grapes.
No grapes.

No plums. Lee?

Olives? No olives.

F

No-one found my pickled onions.

Oh.

Finally, Sarah, one last item.

Uh, it, it felt a blob of, uh,
gelatine.

How many jelly? Uh, just one.

One jelly. One jelly.

Well, there was only one. Mike?

One dead jellyfish.

So, everyone, again, apart from
Lee and Mike, got that one right.

I used to be in a band called
One Dead Jellyfish.

F

How much was it to get in?
Six squid?

GROANING

Q

Do you want me to add up
these numbers, Greg?

Anything to take the taste away.

They'd better come down here,

we'll see how all that's
affected the final scores.

Ah, hi, Greg.

Hello. Nice to be back.

Nice to have you back.

Now, that must have
affected things a bit.

Jamali identified all of them
except for the pickled onions

cos no-one got the pickled onions,
so, he gets the full five points.

Well done. That's my first,
second win.

APPLAUSE

Sarah got three of the things,
she comes second.

Charlotte, two of the things
so, comes third.

The team of two, Mike and Lee, have
had a complete shocker this episode,

they both came last with just one.
Aw. Aw.

Which means, in terms of the series,

Jamali is now hot on their tails,

points, points,

points to Lee.

Obviously, Charlotte,
a little way back.

Sarah, points ahead,
on points.

Wow.

F

But the winner,
points ahead of Mike,

it's the third show
she's won in total,

it's Sarah Kendall with points!
Whoa!

Sarah Kendall wins again!

Please, go crazy for
your craziest things!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Off you go again!

So, what have we learnt today?

We've had an insight into two
very different career trajectories.

Cut to two years from now -

Sarah Kendall steps on to
a moonlit city skyline

as the lead in the new Hollywood
super-hero franchise Salt Woman.

Back in England,
a police car picks up Lee Mack,

he's on the M with a shopping
trolley full of toilet rolls,

shouting, "I thought it was salt.
It looked like salt!"

It's bye from us for now,

but let's end with some more
recognition for tonight's winner,

she's done it again -

it's Salt Woman, Sarah Kendall!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE