I can't believe we had to sit through
two hours of that stinking play
and Yvette only had three stinking lines.
Get it out of your system now.
Once she comes down,
we couldn't be more proud of her.
Hi, everybody. Thanks so much for coming
even though I had
a ridiculously small part.
Hey, there are no small parts.
Although yours came perilously close.
Well, I was the understudy to the lead.
That Lisa is terrible.
She couldn't act her way
out of a paper bag.
I don't care if this is community theater,
how does somebody like that get the lead?
I can think of two very good reasons.
I was always thinking to get
into the acting game,
maybe she can give me some tips.
I did say tips, did I?
Excuse us!
Look, honey, in the end,
talent will always win out.
You really believe that?
I said what I said.
Let's go see if we can
peel these boys off of Lisa.
♪ Every day's another lesson ♪
♪ And my head's in a whirl ♪
♪ If I make a wrong decision ♪
♪ It's not the end of the world ♪
♪ I will reach my destination ♪
♪ Make mistakes from A to Z ♪
♪ With each mistake there's a new lesson ♪
♪ I can be anything you want to be ♪
-♪ Never experiencing a dumb phase
-Smart guy ♪
♪ He's ahead of the game at a young age ♪
♪ The intelligence of a grown man ♪
♪ Trapped inside of a young brain ♪
♪ He's a bit on the short side ♪
♪ But stands tall when you show the ball ♪
♪ That's why I'm hanging
With the smart guy ♪
♪ AKA Mr. Know-It-All ♪
♪ Smart guy ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
So apparently in theater,
an actress gets the lead in a play
when she's got breasts halfway
out to the snack bar.
Yvette, you're almost years old.
If you'd spend any
of that time on planet Earth,
you'd know that the theater
isn't the only place
that favors large chests.
I mean, it's practically
every area of society.
Certainly country music.
You know, I'd like to think
that intelligence
and personality still count for something.
Good for you.
You're in my way.
Sorry, Tucker. I didn't see you there.
Surprised you didn't
hear me coming, jug ears.
Jug ears... that never gets old.
Until right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, jug ears doesn't like it
when we call him jug ears.
What else can we call jug ears?
Donkey ears?
That's the one.
See you later, donkey ears.
What's up with them, man?
Were they bothering you?
No, Tucker's just being
his usual jerky self
calling me names and stuff.
What, like brainiac, double-dome?
No.
Egghead, Poindexter, smarty-arty?
They're not making fun of my intelligence.
Oh, it was the short thing, huh?
Shrimp toast, little smokey, short stack--
My ears! They were making fun of my ears!
Well, that's cold.
You want us to handle it?
No, no, they're seniors.
In a few years, they'll graduate.
Hi.
Yeah.
I'm here to pick up the audition
scenes for the new play.
I'm hoping to play Bernadette.
That's the lead part.
Yes it is.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
Lisa, my goodness. How you doing, baby?
How you doing?
Here, these are for you.
No, I'm not auditioning.
I'm getting my letter
of recommendation from the director.
I'm moving to New York.
Oh, wow, that's great.
Yeah, things have really turned
around for me since last June.
Oh, what happened last June?
These.
And by these you mean... those?
Yeah. Dr. Leo Fineman is a magician.
So you really think
they made a difference?
Oh, yeah.
Since I got them,
I've been doing local commercials,
print ads, tool calendars.
I even got an agent in New York.
Really.
But I know that all the cup
sizes in the world
wouldn't make a difference
if I didn't have the talent
to back them up.
Yep.
Here comes the boy.
Um, you mind? You're blocking my locker.
Oh, well, we'll move out of your way
in just a minute, player,
but see, there's something
that we need to talk to you about first.
And we want you to listen real closely
with them tiny, little ears of yours.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, hold on.
Hey, Tucker, nice to see you.
Love the shirt.
Can I have a word with you two?
What's up?
I know what you're doing and stop it.
Look, man, we just want to give him
a dose of his own medicine.
I thought we was going to hit him.
As much as I appreciate your
well-intentioned thuggery,
you'll only make it worse.
Then he'll start teasing me
about being a wuss.
Now, go to class.
Learn something.
I can take care of myself.
I don't know... having surgery
to alter your appearance?
I mean, don't you agree
it's better to accept who you are
rather than trying to be
something artificial?
Oh my God! What did you have done?
Only a nose job.
But you should have seen me before.
I mean, I looked like that bird
on the Froot Loops box.
I never would have guessed.
Well, Dr. Fineman is a magician.
Look, I just think if you're
not happy with something,
you either learn to live with it
or you change it.
Alright, what part of your body
do you want altered... hips?
No, actually, I was thinking--
what's wrong with my hips?
Nothing. Nothing.
I'm just the guy pushing the buttons.
Tell me what you want.
Well, I kind of want to see what the, um,
upper area would look like
if it was sort of bigger.
When you say upper area,
what are you talking about?
Your shoulders? Your neck?
Oh! Your... oh!
Push the button.
That's nice. Good size.
How big can we make them?
Big enough to put an eye out.
Go for it.
I can't see your head anymore.
Okay, okay deflate them a bit.
Less Dolly Parton and more
Vanessa Williams.
Can you send a letter through the email?
I got to get this proposal to a client.
Hello!
I thought I blocked these websites.
Dad, it's not a website. It's Yvette.
Okay.
I don't know what's going on here,
but I know it's not good.
Dad, you know how you were asking me
what I wanted as a graduation present?
Well, I think this is it.
And she's not talking about the computer.
T.J., why don't you step out of the room?
I don't think this
conversation's for your ears.
What's wrong with my ears?
They're in this room. Take them outside.
Oh. Nothing wrong with my ears.
I'm just thinking about getting
a breast augmentation.
It's no big deal.
No, buying a new toaster is no big deal.
Buying a new chest, that's a big deal.
I knew you wouldn't understand.
Oh, I understand. I understand completely.
I just don't understand why you want
to do something like this.
Look, you're, um... uh... uh...
They're fine.
You're my Father.
You'd prefer if I didn't have any,
uh... uh... um... at all.
That's not true.
We dealt with this when you were .
When they first, um, appeared.
Yeah and not much of me
has changed since then.
And I realize that if I ever want
to get the lead in a play,
this is what I need.
This is not what you need.
You are perfect.
You just need to be happy with who you are
and accept what nature's given you.
Nature lost interest in me
and moved on to Tyra Banks.
Look, you're talking
about surgery, Yvette.
It's not like I'm getting
a heart transplant.
Look, you're still having surgery.
Now you're putting something
foreign in your body.
That could have nasty side effects.
The articles that I've read in magazines
say that they're okay now.
-Yeah, now. What about years from now?
-Dad.
Look, Yvette, I'm still your Father
and you're still my daughter
and I'm not going to let you do it.
Well, you know something?
I'm going to be soon
and an adult and if I decide
I'm gonna do this, I'll do it.
Good morning.
Morning.
Listen, honey, [ahem]
I've been thinking
about breasts all night.
I mean, yours.
[stammering] I mean- I mean, big ones.
Let's start over.
Orange juice?
Sure. Thanks.
It's just that I don't want you feeling
that, just because you're
not built like a supermodel,
that you're not a good person.
I don't think that, Dad.
And I just worry that that's the reason
why you want to run off
like all these other women
and get plastic surgery.
Actually, Dad, it's not just
women who are running off.
Men account for %
of cosmetic procedures.
And it's growing.
Thank you.
But I don't think that's relevant.
Actually, Dad, it is.
'Cause I'm thinking of getting
plastic surgery myself.
It's called otoplasty...
having my ears pinned back.
There's this Dr. Fineman.
I hear he's a magician.
What's wrong with your ears?
I love your ears.
-They stick out.
-I love the way they stick out.
Nobody else does.
At least you've got something
that sticks out.
We're not talking about
your small breasts now.
We're talking about my big ears.
Look at the influence you're
having on your brother.
Don't blame her. It's your fault.
My fault?
You passed down these ears
from some misshapen relative of yours.
What about the brains
I passed down to you?
Nobody at school
is making fun of my brains, Dad.
They're making fun of you?
Oh, it's just some guys. No big deal.
Now, look, son,
everybody gets teased about something,
but that doesn't mean you go
and get surgery to solve the problem.
Now, if some jerks are bothering you,
then you got to learn
to turn the other cheek.
If I turn the other cheek,
they'll get a better view
of this satellite dish.
Bullies only hassle you
to get a rise out of you.
If you don't react,
they'll leave you alone.
Just try it, would you?
Okay, but if this doesn't work,
I'm paging Dr. Fineman.
So I pitched the idea
of a boob job to my Father
as a graduation gift.
What did he say?
He'd prefer I never graduate.
I know what will make you feel better.
After school, buy you a quart
of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.
You know, the fat's gotta go somewhere.
Yeah, but not quick enough.
I've got auditions
for the new play this afternoon.
Yeah, but with Lisa out of the picture,
you should have a better sh*t.
I don't know.
There might be another
pair of Lisas out there.
I need to even the playing field.
Hey, sideshow boy.
Whatcha got under the hat?
Whoa, they grew.
Want your hat back?
Hey, look, he's trying to ignore us.
Like that's gonna save him.
[bell rings]
Don't worry, Dumbo. We'll be back.
Hey, hey, hey! Hey!
What's wrong, little man?
Your locker pick a fight with you again?
No. It was just Tucker.
Dad's advice didn't work.
Of course it didn't.
What advice did he give you?
Ignore them and they'll go away.
Maybe on Leave it to Beaver .
Look, there are other ways,
my young friend.
We call the technique... the dozens.
The what?
The dozens. Snaps.
Look, man, if you want to trade
insults with somebody,
you got to hit 'em where it hurts.
Watch the masters.
-Yes!
-Yes!
Look here, man,
your Mama's hair is so short,
when she rolls it, she uses rice.
Your Daddy, he got a wooden leg
with a wheel on it,
he run like this.
Yo Mama is so fat,
last time she saw ,
it was on the bathroom scale.
-Yes!
-Yes!
Okay, let me try. Your computer is so old,
you're still using a DOS operating system.
Huh? Huh?
This is gonna take a while, man.
Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mother is so obese?
Yo Mama.
Your Mama.
-Yo.
-Yo.
-Mama.
-Mama.
-Yo Mama.
-Your Mama.
Yo Mama's so wrinkled,
she has to screw her hat on.
Do we have to end with a preposition?
Forget the prepositions. Now concentrate!
What's a preposition?
Yo Mama is so ugly,
when she goes to the beach,
cats try to bury her.
Well, yo family is so poor,
I stepped on a lit cigarette
in your living room
and your family said,
"Who turned off the heat?"
Oh, yeah? Well, yo Mama's so fat,
when she jumped in the air, she got stuck.
I'm just so darn proud.
Hi. I'm here to read for Bernadette.
Okay.
Uh... very good.
Here are your sides.
Can I get you something?
Something to drink? Water? A diet Coke?
Uh, yeah, water would be great.
Okay.
Hey, Yvette.
Hey.
Hey, Yvette!
I'm so glad to see you come
on board for this one.
Uh, are you going
to audition for Bernadette?
Oh, yeah. I thought I'd give it a try.
Good. Um, let me know when you're ready
and I'll move you up on the list.
I will. Thank you.
-Good luck.
-Thanks.
Uh, is your hair different?
It looks great.
"And I finally realized standing here
at the edge of the desert
where civilization--" Mo!
Oh, hey.
Hey. What are you doing here?
The way you've been talking about theater,
I've come to an appreciation
of the art of acting
and thought I might give it a try.
Is Lisa around?
She's not here, Mo.
She's not auditioning for this production.
Oh, well, I might as well audition anyway.
What part's good?
Does your character have a boyfriend?
Go away.
Where did you get those?
From the department store.
Are they too big?
No, no, they seem to be fine to me.
Could you occasionally look up?
Oh, sure.
Are they in proportion?
Gonna have to look down again.
Quickly!
No, they--they seem to be fine.
So you like me better this way?
No, I liked you fine before.
Well, which is it?
I like them small. No, I like them big.
What can I say?
I'm a fan of the whole genre.
I'm trying to make a decision
one way or another
as to whether or not I should
make them permanent.
Really? Hmm.
You're gonna be the same person, right?
Yeah.
Then I'm gonna like you no matter what.
So I think you should do
whatever makes you feel best.
I did say best, didn't I?
Yes, you did.
And thank you.
Good luck.
Well, if it isn't jug ears.
Back to that, huh?
You know what, Tucker?
You are so dumb,
you couldn't even pass a blood test.
You calling me dumb?
It's not your fault.
It runs in the family.
Yo Mama's so dumb, she thinks
the English channel is pay cable.
And yo Daddy's so ugly,
when he looked out the window,
he got arrested for mooning.
Don't you ever talk about
my Daddy getting arrested.
I'm sorry, man. I thought
we were just trading snaps.
Well, knock it off.
Did your Dad really get arrested?
He's doing time. So what?
Then I really am sorry.
You must be dealing
with abandonment issues,
which makes you feel angry and vulnerable,
so you lash out at those who are
as small and vulnerable as you feel.
I don't want to talk about it.
Tucker.
Look at me, Tucker.
Your Dad did something bad
and he went to jail.
That's his issue.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
Do you believe me?
Yeah, I guess. It's just that
ever since he left,
my Mom, she expects me
to be the man of the house.
And that's not the role
you're ready to fill.
Yeah, I'm in high school--
[bell rings]
Oh, I'm sorry. That's all
the time I have for today.
Same time tomorrow?
Yeah.
Hey, honey. How was your audition?
I got the lead.
Hey, congratulations. You--whoa!
Where'd you get those?
Oh, these?
Yeah, those. What's going on?
Don't worry. They're removable.
I just had them in for the audition.
Hmm and you got the lead.
Well, I guess that proves your point.
Exactly. I'm the same actress
I was a month ago,
only now I have a star
on my dressing room door.
So you gonna be bugging me
to make these permanent?
I don't know.
I mean, I wore them because
I really wanted to get the lead.
And I got the lead.
Mm-hmm.
But now I just don't value
the part as much as I thought I would
because they got it and not me.
So, suddenly people
are treating you differently
because of how you're built
and you don't like it.
No, I kinda liked it.
People noticed me,
and they were nice to me
and I got out of a speeding ticket.
You were speeding?
I was excited I got the part.
And then I started to think
about it, you know
and I decided I don't want bigger breasts
just so I can get the lead in a play.
And I don't want bigger breasts
just so guys can look at me
and go "wuuhuh."
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
But it's kind of nice
having a little more on top.
You know, I like how I look,
I like how my clothes fit.
I feel more in proportion.
Please tell me what you're saying.
I'm saying if I'm this unsure,
I'm not gonna get them.
Thank you.
But if I ever did get them,
it would be because
I'm sure it's what I want.
Well, I accept your decision
because you arrived
at it thoughtfully and responsibly.
And it's exactly what I wanted to hear.
Thanks, Dad. You know what?
You handled this a lot better
than I thought you would.
Thank God I only got one daughter.
You just have to remember
that you are a worthwhile human being
and the world is a good
place if you want it to be.
Thanks, T.J.,
these sessions have really been helpful.
You have made a lot of progress.
I think you're ready to go out there
and be the caring human
being I know you are.
Hey, you, lard butt,
you're blocking the hall.
Uh, Tucker.
Yeah, you, next to pizza face.
Oh, well, at least he's off my case.
[clapper]
I'm never working for this guy again.
03x14 - From A to Double D
Watch/Buy Amazon
T.J. Henderson, who moves from being an elementary school student in the fourth grade to a high school student in the tenth grade, attending the same school as his two elder siblings.
T.J. Henderson, who moves from being an elementary school student in the fourth grade to a high school student in the tenth grade, attending the same school as his two elder siblings.