05x06 - Story Time

[bunniefuu]

Australia's best days are ahead of us...

We live in the best
country in the world...

No asterisks, no footnotes...

From road to rail and in the air...

We are in the age of infrastructure...

The dawn of a new era...

- The great Australian dream...
- To build a better future...

Record investments.

We're spending more than any
government has ever spent...

- Money splashed around...
- Splash more cash...

- The cash splash...
- The cash splash...

It's big money in anyone's language...

- This is a nation-building...
- Nation building...

- Nation building...
- Nation building...

Nation building...

WOMAN: (ON RADIO) It has to be
like two years since they started.

MAN: And this is the Bendigo Rail link?

Yeah. For something that's
supposed to be high speed,

they're going bloody slow.

Thanks, Jill. More
calls after the break.

- Plus our secret sound!
- (RIPPING NOISE)

So, thoughts?

- I reckon it's sticky tape.
- One caller?

I could play you a
dozen. They're not happy.

- It's talkback radio. No-one's happy.
- Socials are even worse.

We don't need to hear someone's tweets.

Beg to differ. This rail upgrade
of yours is really dragging on.

First, not mine.

Second, it's a major project.

km of rail has to be upgraded.

- We've lost Jill.
- Is this coming from the minister?

He's concerned about not
delivering on a promise.

The construction authority IS
delivering, but these things take time.

Is there something the minister
could do now to show progress?

- Such as?
- Could he turn the first sod?

- He did that three years ago.
- The second sod?

- We'll put the first one back.
- Here's an idea, Rhonda.

How about we let everyone
just finish the thing?

- How long?
- months.

Jill's back on line one
and you know what she says?

Sticky tape.

"Too slow."

Ash, have you got a mo...

- When did you get that?
- Picked it up yesterday.

- Oh. Is it good?
- Fantastic.

minutes to work. No parking problems.

- I'm getting fit.
- How are you getting fit?

- It's got a motor.
- I'm standing up.

- Core strength.
- Right.

Have you got a moment
to have a look at this?

It's our latest bank statement.

This figure here, . .

- What's it for?
- That's the thing. I can't work it out.

- Is it a one-off?
- No.

It appears to be monthly. Hmm.

That happened to my sister.

Someone from overseas
was taking like $

out of her account every month.

In the end, she had to
get the bank to block it.

- Was it hackers?
- She was sponsoring a child. Just forgot.

Could we be sponsoring a child?

No. Get on to it.

- World Vision?
- The bank.

In the last five years,

has the nature or scope of
your role changed significantly?

- No.
- Have you been exposed to or in contact with

any hazardous materials?

Does this almond latte count?

- In the last months...
- Seriously, how much more to go?

- About six.
- Questions?

- Pages.
- What?

And you have to answer every one
fully, truthfully and accurately.

So what's wrong with my
current insurance policy?

It's in your contract. You have
to update it every five years.

- Keep going.
- In the last months,

have you been required to
work with firearms, expl*sives,

radioactive materials,
incendiary devices,

or other life-endangering equipment?

- No.
- What about our team-building day?

- That was paintballing.
- You got a bruise.

- Really?
- I better tick 'haematoma'.

- Oh! Nat?
- Yeah?

Beverly needs to see you now.

- Why?
- Not sure.

In the pod.

What's Beverly doing? No,
actually, let's keep going.

Beverly. Rhonda.

Ah. Please, have a seat.

RHONDA: We've got a bit of a disaster.

Uh... got a bit of an issue.

- She said disaster.
- Nothing we can't handle.

We've got people and processes in place,

and I'm confident of finding
a satisfactory outcome.

Guys, sorry, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

- Maybe this will jog your memory.
- There's your disaster.

- That was like six years ago.
- Still cultural appropriation.

- What were you thinking?
- It was our office Christmas party.

I was thinking, "How much
longer am I stuck here for?"

Let's just put it down to
a grave lapse of judgement.

Why are we even talking about this?

Clearly you haven't
checked our Twitter feed.

Has someone posted this?

It's been trending since last night.

Various hashtags,
dress code, disgrace, public disservice...

- Hate crime.
- Hate... It was a Christmas party.

Mexican themed. Nachos, margaritas.

Your karaoke was Despacito.

Okay, Nat. I suggest we sit tight,

monitor the situation
over the next hours.

Pray for some sort of natural
disaster or celebrity sex tape.

In the meantime, I recommend
you stay off social media.

I'm not on social media.

Oh, well... keep your head down.

Preferably not under a sombrero.

- Nat.
- Brad.

- Morning, Nat.
- Ash.

I rang the bank about
that monthly charge.

- What happened to your fingers?
- Just a bit of a scrape.

- On the E-scooter?
- Tree branch.

Anyway, I rang the bank and
asked them about that . .

They said, "It's nothing to do with us."

What? It's their bank.

But it's an externally
authorised payment.

- Goes through our credit card.
- That's ridiculous.

Good news, though. We now have a
personal customer services manager.

She'd love to have a chat with you about

"broadening our relationship".

- We don't have a relationship.
- Would you like one?

I'd like to know where
that . is going.

Got it. Ow!

(ON RADIO) For something that's
supposed to be high speed,

they're going bloody slow.

Thanks, Jill. More
calls after the break.

- Plus our secret sound!
- (RIPPING NOISE)

God knows what's been happening since.

- I've been listening.
- And?

No-one's got it yet. It's jackpotted.

- Bryce?
- Mmm...

- So, this rail upgrade of yours...
- Yeah, not mine.

- ... seems to be dragging on.
- It's actually on schedule, Bryce.

It was always gonna
be a five-year project.

Okay. Yeah.
So I think I see the problem.

We haven't told the story.

- What story?
- Of this grand endeavour.

A high-speed rail link of city meets country.

- Bravo.
- Yeah.

- They said it couldn't be done.
- Tony said it shouldn't be done.

- We had our doubters.
- Mainly Tony.

- That's because the cost/benefit ratio...
- But we proved them wrong.

Oh, he's good.

That's the story we need to be telling.

And now we've got a villain.

Yeah, I don't care what
story you want to tell,

nothing's going to change
the fact that the project

is a year and a half
away from completion.

Well, then we just need a new narrative.

- No, we just need time.
- Tony, if things don't speed up,

this could look like a white elephant.

- Oh, is that the story?
- What?

You know, like a kids' story.

"Nobody liked the
little white elephant."

Leave it with me.

Any mental health problems?
Depression, anxiety...?

- No.
- You look uptight.

Yeah. I just had a meeting with Bryce.

- So, no mood disorders or phobias?
- No.

- You don't like coriander.
- I'm not frightened by it.

- So it's a mild phobia?
- No.

I'll put it down as
anxiety-producing herbs.

Any history of bipolar disorder
or psychiatric episodes?

- No.
- Eating disorders?

- No.
- Should I mention the coriander?

Sorry to interrupt. Any news?

So we think we found out what happened.

- Is this about the photo?
- Mm-hm.

It popped up on Courtney's
Facebook Memories page.

That's linked to a WhatsApp group.

And then someone in a different
thread must have taken a screengrab

and then Snapchatted it.

- I got photo...
- Yeah. it's going off on Twitter.

- How many people?
- .

- Well, that's not so bad.
- Thousand.

Katie, have you seen
anything on Facebook?

My aunty's in Italy.

I meant our Facebook page.

- I'll check it out.
- (PHONE BLEEPS)

And I'd stay off Instagram.

Now you're both looking uptight.

Thanks. I'll let her know.

- Nat.
- Yeah?

- You okay?
- Just a tumble.

- Tree root?
- Tree. I was getting lunch.

- I think that scooter might be too dangerous.
- I'm just getting used to it.

Anyway, we got a call
back from the bank.

Our customer services
manager wanted to apologise.

- Yeah?
- She forgot to mention

they're running a seminar
on better investing.

She meant to personally invite you.

- What about the fee?
- I think it's free.

The . .

Oh, I'm still chasing that.

Ow.

VOICEOVER: Life is defined by journeys.

Journeys to places we
never dreamt we'd be.

Some see nothing but dirt.

Others see horizons.

But our children see the future.

Alright. Thoughts? Questions?

I've got one. What's it for?

- It wasn't clear?
- Aftershave?

Yeah, and is the old bloke
supposed to be the kid grown up?

The minister was a little
confused about that too.

It's just a thought starter.

Here is another concept that
came out of our ideation session.

Huh? (CHUCKLES) What do you think?

- Site branding?
- Mm-hm.

Along the entire
length of the new track.

One sign every kilometre.

That's km of signage.

It's km of hope.

Inspiring people with
something they can see.

From a replacement bus.

What are you going to
have on those signs?

The old guy and the kid.

We've got a few ideas.

Let's see.

"Getting the job done."

- Love it.
- Mm-hm.

- "Full speed ahead."
- Nice.

- How about "All aboard"?
- Oh, even better.

Thomas the t*nk Engine.

You're going to dig this one.

"Fast rail... coming next year."

- I'm not sure I'd put a date on it.
- He hasn't.

It'll always be "next year".

How about... I love this one.

"Imagine... Melbourne to
Bendigo in just minutes."

- minutes? You can't.
- He said "imagine".

I think Bryce is on the right track.

"Right track"!

- That's fire.
- Really?

We're trying to tell a story.

The Little White Elephant That Could.

- What are you doing?
- We're trying to build a railway.

We need something now.

"White privilege", "tone deaf",
"punching down", "love her lipstick".

It's not looking good.

I was hoping that we could just lie
low, starve this thing of oxygen.

- So what do we do now?
- You'll have to apologise.

- Seriously?
- No other option.

But who is actually offended?

Twitter is outraged.

Instagram is livid.

Facebook's furious.

And I think we can
assume TikTok is ropeable.

But what about the Mexican community?

- What's the connection?
- Shouldn't we find out how they feel?

I wouldn't bring them into it.

Aren't we apologising to them?

I think social media is more pressing.

- What do I say?
- Simple statement expressing regret.

The key is your apology
has to be sincere.

Come from the heart.

Okay.

I've drafted one for you.

(HOLD MUSIC PLAYS)

MAN: We apologise for this delay.

We know you're busy and
appreciate your patience.

One of our friendly customer team
members will be with you shortly.

For more information, log on to...

- WOMAN: Are you there?
- Yes.

Thanks for bearing with me.

I've just checked our records.

The debit payment was
set by Roger Maxfield.

Oh, yeah, one of our
original bookkeepers.

Unfortunately, I need to speak
with him before giving details.

He's still here. I'll just grab him.

Rog!

Mr Maxfield, can you speak
to our credit card provider?

G'day. Corker of a day!

Is that Mr Roger Maxfield?

Call me Rog.

Are you happy to authorise Miss
Russell to discuss these payments?

Yep, you betcha.

Go for it, sport.

Thank you for that. If you could
just put me back to Natalie.

Sure. There you go, darlin'.

Um, so, that . ?

It's actually nothing to do with us.

You're our credit card issuer.

But we don't handle periodic payments.

You'll need to contact
the billing agency.

Right. Thanks for your time.

This is getting ridiculous.

- You still need me?
- No.

- What about Rog?
- Definitely not.

Argh!

It's sure dragging on.

And with the cost of petrol, we
could really do with that train.

MAN: No idea what
these clowns are doing,

but we're stuck doing the daily commute.

For all the talk, we're
not seeing much action.

It's just another big
promise they failed to do.

Okay, okay. I think we've
seen enough, yeah.

- We need to do something.
- What about the ad?

Oh, yeah. Was the young child
supposed to be the old man?

Minister, it's simple.

People need to hear a story.

And the story is we're
getting the job done.

Right. When we launched this
thing, there was so much positivity.

- Goodwill.
- Mmm. Like the start of a good book.

- And what happened?
- This is the challenge with all major projects.

The announcements are always gonna
be blue sky, but once you start...

So what you're saying is
we need a new announcement.

- No, not exac...
- Some sort of project milestone.

It's days since we started.

I think our story needs a new plot.

Here's the ending...
"Project completed".

Now, that has bestseller
written all over it.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (OTHERS CHUCKLE)

Very good.

Minister, if I can just explain
the timeline that we're...

Oh, and we're back in the remainder bin.

We are on schedule.

We'll have the new track fully
laid in the next months.

The first of our Velocita trains
are almost ready for testing.

- We're ahead of time on the station.
- Hang on.

- What was that about the trains?
- They're being manufactured.

- They're ready to go?
- No.

- You said ready.
- I heard it too.

Yeah. I said ALMOST ready for testing.

Well, that sounds
like a milestone to me.

"The first train makes
its epic maiden voyage."

- No.
- What a story.

- Yeah, well, it's fiction.
- But based on true events.

- I'd buy it.
- A real page-turner.

How quickly can you
put something together?

Uh... With a train?

Uh...

- This is insane.
- Just deep, regular breaths.

- Are you having a heart att*ck?
- No, I'm having a medical.

- It's one train.
- On a line that's yet to be completed.

So find a section that's finished.

We'll get our train
to pull into a station,

minister gets off,
hardhats and handshakes.

He's happy, media's happy, Jill's happy,

and they all live happily ever after.

- Well?
- Do I get a choice?

Not a Choose Your Own Adventure.

I'll make some calls.

Correct answer.

How am I doing?

Better since she left.

Hang on.

That's the secret sound.

- Hey, can you call Doug for me? Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

- Let him know we need to see him.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A bit of a breakthrough.
I took this transaction

ID from a bank statement
and did a search.

There. NFH.

National Food Holdings.

- Who the hell are they?
- Ah. This is interesting.

The amount first started showing
up a few years ago in April.

I went back through
our general accounts...

- What happened?!
- Oh, it's nothing.

You're in a knee brace. You've
got to stop riding that thing.

I wasn't riding. I tripped
over the charging cord.

Take a look.

It was the same month we
got our new vending machines.

Do you think it's
something to do with them?

- Yes.
- Great. Give them a call.

- Get rid of the fee.
- I did.

- And?
- They said their billing charges

are outsourced to a third-party agency

- and that it's...
- "Nothing to do with us".

- Then why are you smiling?
- Not sure.

Could be the pain medication.

TONY: Thanks for taking
the time, by the way, Doug.

- Sure. Everything alright?
- Yeah, yeah.

Just a quick query on
the regional rail line.

- This section here...
- Is there a problem?

No, no, I just want
to check on something.

You've completed the upgrade
to the track on this section?

Pretty much. Woodend to Kyneton.

So if we wanted to get
a locomotive to go from...

- Sorry, when are we talking?
- Now-ish.

- You want to start services?
- Limited.

- It's not finished.
- Yeah, it is from there to there.

- Right. How many trains a day?
- One.

- How many days a week?
- Just one.

One train a week?

No, just one train, once, one way.

- Who's going to use it?
- Oh, some dignitaries.

- Why would they want to do that?
- It's a long story.

- Inspired by actual events.
- Yeah...

The point is, if we got
a locomotive there...

- Yeah.
- ... and we lifted it onto the tracks...

- Yeah.
- ... and pointed it that way, it could...?

- It would be doable.
- Yeah.

Our little white elephant.

Why don't we just try one for rehearsal?

I'm Natalie Russell, and I'd
like to take this opportunity

to speak about a photograph
that I deeply regret.

- Should we show it?
- What?

The photo. So people know
what you deeply regret.

- I think we're good.
- Let's keep going.

I acknowledge without reservation

the very real damage my
actions may have caused,

the hurt, the offence, the loss
of socio-emotional wellbeing.

Sorry, Nat, I think
you need to be looking

a little bit more remorseful.

- What was I looking?
- Confused.

What is socio-emotional wellbeing?

You sound stilted. Like you're reading.

- I am reading.
- Let's go another take.

Sorry, we still haven't checked this

with a single member of
the Mexican community.

Beverly says it's best
we keep them out of it.

Can I try a more natural
version without the cards?

Okay. Give it a go.

(CLEARS THROAT) I'm Nat Russell.

I'd like to take this opportunity

to speak about an image that
surfaced on social media.

- If I've offended anyone, I...
- Can't say "if".

She's right. Now, they
will tear you apart.

They're already tearing me apart.

Just keep going.

Nice and naturale.

I acknowledge without reservation

the very real hurt our
actions might have caused.

- Can't say "might".
- Seriously?

She's right.

- Tony.
- Yeah?

The insurance people rang about
your asthma management plan.

I don't have asthma.

But we said you did on the form.

- As a -year-old.
- Right.

It's just that they need a statement
from the consulting physician.

The consulting... It was the family
doctor. He'll be over years old.

- I'll let them know.
- Okay.

- What's this? What's he doing?
- It's a cardiac stress test.

- What's he got to be stressed about?
- You tell me, Rhonda.

- So we've got our train?
- With a bunch of caveats.

- That's fine.
- Due to the fact that the track

has not been fully tested, our train...

- The Bendigo Bolter.
- ... cannot exceed km an hour.

All the level crossings
will have to stay down

for the entirety of the trip.

- Whatever.
- There's more.

For safety reasons, the rail union

is insisting on two
drivers in the cabin.

- Point is...
- Not finished.

We're going to have to
road freight the, uh...

Whew.

- Keep going.
- I'm just getting my breath back.

- You're doing well.
- Yeah.

We're going to have to
road freight the locomotive

from the manufacturing site in Adelaide.

The highway will have to be shut
due to the overdimensional size.

Then the heavy haulage
crane will move in

and lift the locomotive onto the track.

So it's doable.

Maybe try not to talk.

Me or her?

Both.

RECORDING: Thank you for
calling National Food Holdings.

One of our friendly
customer support team members

will be with you shortly.

(HOLD MUSIC PLAYS)

Sorry I'm late.

- What the hell?
- It's fine.

Nothing broken.

- What happened?
- I was cut off.

- By a car?
- Mobility scooter.

- WOMAN: Hello.
- Yes.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

I've just pulled up your details.

Now, this relates to
a vending machine fee?

Yes. It's a monthly payment. . .

We don't actually
handle billing inquiries.

You're the accounts department.

Payments are handled by
a financial services team.

Well, can you put me through to them?

They're actually a
separate organisation.

Nothing to do with us.

It's your vending machines.

We lease them.

But you install them.

Third-party installer.

But you invoice.

We outsource invoicing services as well.

Makes it a lot more streamlined.

Not for me! This is ridiculous.

I'm sensing you'd like to speak
with a complaints resolution officer.

Yes. Put me through.

It's actually a separate organisation.

I could give you a number.

So that's it?

- No, there's one more thing.
- Yep?

Would you mind staying on the line

for a short customer
satisfaction survey?

- This is driving me mad.
- Is it such a big deal?

- What do you mean?
- It's only a few bucks.

But we need to be accountable.

We're a government organisation.

We can't just waste taxpayers' money.

Okay. Rhonda, just confirming the
crane's going to cost us $ ,.

- Great.
- A day.

Okay. Has everybody got a copy?

Let's just run through
the schedule, shall we?

, invited media
assemble at Kyneton Station.

: , gift bags featuring
commemorative hardhats

will be distributed on arrival.

Full speed ahead.

I'm not wearing this.

: to : , tea, coffee
and light refreshments served.

- We need to check dietaries.
- Nice.

Shall I mention the coriander?

: , minister boards
the Goldfields Flyer.

- The what?
- Working title.

: , train departs on its
maiden high-speed journey.

At km an hour.

: , train pulls into station
to be met by official delegation.

Minister steps off and declares

we are ON TRACK to
completing the project.

- Chills.
- (CHUCKLES)

- Any questions?
- Yeah.

- Do I need to be there?
- You know what? Better you're not.

- No-one wants to see the villain.
- Fine.

I've got better things to do

than stand around a
windswept railway platform.

Especially with his asthma.

HAD asthma. Don't have asthma. Oh.

We reached out to the
local Mexican community.

- Finally.
- Offered to make an in-person apology.

Drop by a community centre.
Share a plate of paella.

- That's Spanish.
- Or a mojito.

- Cuban.
- Isn't it all the same?

- Not really.
- Anyway... they said no need.

- What?
- They don't appear to have

- any problem with the image.
- Good.

I don't think these people
know how to be offended.

So we made a formal
approach to the embassy.

- You're kidding.
- I don't think they're up with social media.

"On behalf of the Mexican government,

I'd like to thank the
NBA's Miss Natalie Russell

for promoting our
rich cultural heritage."

Oh, okay. So what now?

I think I might call
the ambassador direct.

They clearly don't
understand the situation.

- Why are we meeting up here?
- I think I've sorted it out.

- Oh, my God.
- It's alright.

Tony's nurse told me to
keep it elevated and iced.

You should go home.

My scooter's recharging.

- Take an ambulance.
- Anyway...

Our vending machines are owned
by National Food Holdings.

The Mars bar.

But supply and delivery outsource
to a couple of subsidiaries.

- Kit-Kat.
- And...

- The Twix.
- Both trading as NFH nominees.

Restocking is handled by one
of NFH's parent companies...

- The Cherry Ripe.
- ... who have two arms,

- National Food Processing...
- Snickers.

- ... and National Food Services.
- Bounty.

National Food Services
outsource day-to-day operations

- to a separate entity...
- The Violet Crumble.

... also known as
National Food Management,

- who charge a monthly fee of...
- . .

That's where the money's going?

It's a third-party service charge
to National Food Management.

- For doing what? What's the service?
- Management.

That's a junk charge.

This is junk food.

Cancel it.

- Can I have a parent company?
- Mm.

Thank you.

- Tony...
- Mm. Katie.

Aren't I supposed to
be seeing the nurse now?

- She's just doing a check on Ash.
- Oh.

We heard back from
your old family doctor.

- Dr Burridge?
- That's him.

He's . But he managed to send a copy

of your original medical records.

Oh, my God. That is incredible.

Unfortunately, the
insurance companies say

they can't read his writing.

Yeah, it is really bad.

I could just make out "bedwetting".

I'm not sure that's bedwetting.

- Do we need to update the insurance company?
- No.

(BAND PLAYS WHEN THE
SAINTS GO MARCHING IN)

(MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Does anyone want to put a hard hat on?

I don't know what's happening.

Could we maybe go a little bit faster?

I think it's a union issue.

Any moment now, folks,

the Goldfields Flyer will
be coming around that bend.

Any minute now.

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

- The train must have been delayed.
- What?

- We might need to fill.
- How?

- What about the Welcome To Country?
- We've already done that.

Could we do another one?
A Welcome Back To Country?

Oh... no. I think she's already gone.

Could this get any worse?

Why have we stopped?

Thanks for your patience, everyone.

Just a few more minutes.

Have those cameras ready, folks.
He'll be roaring into view.

(CHORTLES) Yes, he will.

- Anything?
- They say the train has to stop

on the outskirts of town.

Safety issues.

Well, here's a phrase
I've never used before.

How about another number
from our jazz band?

(BAND PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE)

Some sort of issue with
the boom gates, Minister.

Well, how are we going
to get to the station?

How about them?

- We can't hold forever.
- Oh, what...

Here we go. He's coming.

Finally. Welcome to a
new chapter in transport!

What is happening?

Surprise twist?

- What's wrong?
- Twitter.

- They found another photo.
- Of me?

That was from Book Week years ago.

Beverly says you might
need to apologise.

Who to? Genies?

- It's something to do with sl*very.
- Mm-hm.

I'd stay off Twitter.

Scotty. What are those?

Oh, my prize for the secret sound.

It WAS a blood pressure cuff.

- Oh! Six bottles?!
- Mm-hm.

Jackpotted.

Wow.

For you, from the Mexican Embassy.

Can you open it?

"His Excellency
Ambassador Felipe Juan Pena

requests the presence of
Natalie Francesca Russell

as an honoured guest for the
celebration of Cinco de Mayo

at the Mexican Embassy.

th of May, : for : ."

Wow! What's the dress code?

Mexican.