01x05 - Series 1, Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

Mam's always going on about how
me and Jock

share part-time jobs. But who the
f*ck would hire us?

She said, "Start with the people you
know."

Mam, we got to do two weeks' work
experience for school,

can we do it with you?

Not a f*ckin' chance.Come on. If we
can't find somewhere, they're going
to make us

work with the school caretaker
cleaning toilets.

And that is, without doubt,
the worst job on the planet.

There's a kid who's been
putting his sh*t in the hand dryers.
They can't figure out who it is.

It's just disgusting, like.

I got caught the other day.

I mean, who the f*ck would
find that funny?

C'mon, it'll be interesting to see
what the f*ck you do every day.

We're actually really
interested in fish.

Please, Mam!
Yeah, please, Mam!

I'm not yer f*ckin' mam.
I didn't adopt you.

BOTH: Please!

It doesn't take a genius to figure
out that working for a living is for
dickheads.

Come on. Get up!
But it's f*cking dark?!

You have to get up too early...

Got any clean jocks?

You've to travel on a bus with a
bunch of langers.

You have to put up with annoying
customers rattling on about some
sh*t you don't care about.

Give me two of them skins.

You're overworked... I cut myself.
..and under appreciated.

I would ask you what you want
but I can't f*cking reach.

Don't cuss in front of customers.

And you've f*ck all to show for it.

Where's the rest of my dinner?

I've got two of you dickheads to
feed now instead of one.
You try doing it on my wage.

Add some water and give it a shake.

And then do it all over
again like a dope.

Get up!

Did someone order one of these?

Ah!

Stay out of the way until after
lunch, please. Thank you.

Five more days of this sh*t!

Welcome to the Matrix.

This is what normal people do every
day of the f*ckin' week.

Any chance of another and I'll
make it up to you in extra hours?

Sure, everything all right?Yeah,
it'll be grand. Yeah? Sure?Yeah.

THEY PRETEND TO CHAT

Take the trolley down to
the wholesaler's and collect this
order. And take as long as you want

cos yer wreckin' everyone's heads
here.

The only good thing about this job
is it comes with a set of wheels.

Behind me, is a lb bluefin
tuna, the biggest

caught off the coast
of County Cork in many years.

Bluefin tuna, a delicacy in Japan,
can reach obscene amounts of money.

A record sale for one of these
fish on the Japanese market, where

bluefin sushi is a delicacy, believe
it or not, was .m euros last year!

The one behind me
isn't worth quite that,

but should reach ,, according
to Cork Fish wholesalers,

who are
currently accepting bids.

Not bad for one day's fishing.

Sorry, Jim, I forgot to press
record that time.

We'll need to go again.

Where'd you f*ck off to?

I really enjoyed loading all of this
sh*t onto the trolley meself.

Want to make , euro for two
hours work?

Sure. What's the catch?

Tuna.

I was just talking to Sully there.

If we can brings that big fish
down to the docklands tomorrow,
about midday,

he'll have a boat waiting and a bag
of cash.

Look, I've got a map.

This is where we are, OK?

All we gotta do is bring it from
here to here without being seen.

It's a -minute walk at the most.

Like, f*ckin' steal it?

Yeah, what else!

We do it on Sunday,
when no-one's around.

Your mam's f*ckin' broke.

Do ya not want to help her out?

I thought I could help her out
in a different way, like.

Wipe the piss off the toilet
seat or...

So you wipe up the piss
that you put there?

Well, yeah, be a gentleman, like.
Or be a gentleman.

Flush the sh*t you put in the
toilet, oh, that's a great service.

She needs this money, we could help
her out and say thanks for all the
good she's been doing for us.

Yeah? Who cares about the
wholesaler? This gaff is f*cking
minted.

He lives in a big fish palace.

He doesn't need this money, we do.
f*ck him.

We're at home counting pennies.

Mairead's working double time just
to try and feed us,

she's got two kids to look after now
instead of one.

And we're doing nothing for her,
like.Yeah.

Think about the things your mam
could do with five grand.

She could get a nice blouse
or something.

Yeah. Get a George Foreman grill.

Yeah, she'd like that.

She deserves it.

What do you mean,
you were stealing a fish?

I was stealing a fish, like.

Why?
Because you want loads of money!

What about the law?

It's a bit of a grey area.

Nobody owns a fish, is the way I see
it, like, you know what I mean?

If I was to rob a car
and somebody owns the car,

you get in trouble for that,
but no man can own a fish,

because he's his own...
He's his own, you know?

HE SNIFFS

HE SNORTS UP PHLEGM

What's wrong with him?

He suffers from frigidity.

What's frigidity?

Frig..did.. Frigidity.

Do you have enough room?
Do you want...?No, you're grand.

No, it's grand.No...

He's a f*cking frigid, like?

Frigid...

Frigid, like? Yeah, yeah.Yeah.

That's what he has.

Erm, we've better head home.
For dinner.

f*cking hell.

My mam's going to k*ll me, so, eh?

Meself and Jock are generally
into daytime crime.

Night-time crime can be very
competitive.

Luckily, fish stealing
is a bit of a niche market.

When did you rob the key?
I didn't rob anything.

I just swapped the wholesaler's lock
for a similar-looking one yesterday.

So if anyone asks, I'm opening
my own lock with my own key.

There's nothing illegal about that.

I've pretty much invented a loophole
in the laws against breaking

and entering.So what we're doing,
can't get in trouble for?

Not in the eyes of the law.

Well, the can be pretty stupid
sometimes!

Lucky for us,
there's idiots making the rules.

Jesus, it's a
bit bigger than I remember.

Here's a tip if you're ever thinking
about stealing a lb fish -

bring a forklift.

Oh, you f*cking bastard.
Come here...

Put the trolley on its side
and we can slide it in.

I'll try again.

You nearly had it.

Nearly there.

I'm nearly there!

Yep, I'll give you a hand.

One, two, three!

Whenever we try and lift it slowly,
it catches on and it goes...

..so we've got to... Catch it
by surprise...by surprise.

Wait, just walk away. Wait.

So, I don't know
what I'm going to do...

Cos I just feel like sometimes...

Right, that's it.

Here.

Go, go, go!Yeah.

Now we've just got
to stand him up, OK?

And once he's standing, you hold
him, and I'm going to pull this out.

OK.

That's all right.

One, two, three!

Yes!

I can't wait to see Mam's face

when we give her the money
we get for this tuna.

I've never stolen
anything for anyone else before.

It's actually a really nice feeling.

Do you think it's a man fish or
a woman fish?A woman fish.

How would you know?

It's got no d*ck.

Fish don't have dicks.

They have to have dicks.

How do you
think women fish get preggers?

Not sure. All I know is I've never
seen a d*ck on a fish.

There are three main dangers
you need to be aware of when

transporting a giant bluefin tuna
through Cork city in broad daylight.

The first one is obvious -

any guards that might
be on the lookout for a stolen fish.

SIRENS

The second danger is - wild animals.

Go away.

You do not want to find yourself
between them and their next meal.

Go home!
f*ck off, you filthy scavenger!

The third danger,
and the worst of them all -

rival gangs.

What's in that thing?

None of your f*cking business.

Smells like a fish.
It's not a f*cking fish.

Away, away!

I'll ram the cone up ye,
you stupid prick.

I want a bit of fish for my dinner!

No, no, no!

Don't drop that! Hey!

Jock has one of them
brains which only really

works well in a crisis situation.

Right, mate, what the f*ck
we going to do?

Do you remember that movie were
watching the other night,
the black-and-white one?

Not really.

I just fall asleep
if it's not in colour.

Was it any good?No, it was sh*t.

But there was this gangster in it
who was after k*lling a fella

who'd eaten a load of diamonds.

So, he wanted all the diamonds, but
couldn't just, like, cut him open,

because there was police outside and
everything like that.

What did he do, so?

Simple. He came up with this plan,
right?

He tied a rope round his feet,
threw him into the river and

just walked out of the city with a
rope over his shoulder, like this.

Sure, nobody's going to
look at a fella with a rope

over his shoulder, they just think
he's a f*cking weirdo.

Walked out of the city
and nobody asked him a question.

Do you get me?

What, eat a load of diamonds?No.

Ah, you can't just chuck
the tuna in the water.

Sully's not going to want to
buy a wet fish.

Oh, my God.

What?

All fish are wet, you tool.

It's their natural habitat.

There's flying fish, like.

All right.

♪ We started out strong
and our hopes were high

♪ We figured on being like
Bonnie and Clyde

♪ years is an alibi

♪ Had to get connected

♪ So I wrote a long letter to
a Government man

♪ Told him I was born in
the Summer of Sam

♪ He said, "Son, I don't think
that you understand

♪ "Just wanna get elected."

♪ But my heart got heavy and
my hair grew long

♪ Had to take a job just
to get along

♪ I was down in
the gutter below... ♪

How are we going to get it
past the bridge?

You go over to the other side,
right?

I'll throw the ring in, and then
the current can bring it under

the bridge, and then you just pick
it out on the other side?

Yeah, yeah!

♪ Hey, man, you know

♪ What's up, too slow

♪ Feels like I'm staring at the sun

♪ Get high, get low

♪ Don't let your ego

♪ Out there, staring at the sun

♪ Staring at the sun

♪ Well, I got a lot of love for
the modern man

♪ I read a lot of books
that I don't understand

♪ Not a lot of things that
are lost are sold

♪ Just want a hooker with
a heart of gold

♪ As my heart gets heavy
and my hair gets long

♪ Hard can it be just to get along?

♪ When you don't
go selling your soul

♪ Just don't go selling your soul. ♪

The only good thing about that prick
Sergeant Healy off getting driving

lessons is that there's one less
guard in the city to dodge.

OK, let's go.
So, turn on the ignition.

Now put it into first gear.

You see, recently,
he's been like a randy Labrador,

sniffing around me mam.

Brought you some biscuits.

I brought you some coffee.

I was just passing.

Lucky for me, whenever Mam meets
a fella she likes...

Release the clutch. Really slowly.

..it isn't long before
she decides to...

Hit the f*cking brake!

And whereabouts are you?

Not far, down by the Port of Cork.

Yeah, I miss you too.
We'll hang on here for you.

And bring some sandwiches or
something, we're f*cking starving.

Who was that?Siobhan.

She's shopping in town,
she's going to come and meet us.

Is Linda coming?

Why?

You dodging her?

What? Dodging her?

Yeah, are you f*cking dodging her,
Frigid McFrigidface?

I'm not frigid, I'm just
waiting for the right moment.

And being covered in fish guts is
not the right moment.

That sounds like something someone
frigid might say.

I'm not f*cking frigid!

I'm not!

All right.

Where you going? Stop!
I'm not... Jock!

Jock, I'm not frigid, what are you
doing?I'm was only saying...

Come here!

Just pull in here, will you?

Slowly!I f*cking am going slowly.

Don't shout at me.
You're shouting at me.

Tony, brake. Brake, brake!

Do you ever get your
blood pressure checked?

What the f*ck is that
supposed to mean?

I'm just saying, as a friend,
it might be something
to keep an eye on.

"Friend!"

You're not my friend.

All right, well,
what is this that we're doing, then?

f*cked if I know.

I think when you meet
the right person,

nothing will stop
you getting together.

f*ck!

Oh, f*ck it.

HORN BLARES
f*ck!

ENGINE REVS

Just a sec, I need more room.

MOVES HANDBRAKE

Ah!f*ck!

Stop, stop, stop!

What's wrong?

I can't do this.

Jock has this stupid f*cking theory
that frigidity runs in the family.

Come on, boy, it's easy.

All you've got to do is
put your lips up against her lips

and just put your tongue through.

Like a letterbox.

Stop talking about it.

Have you tried
practising on your arm?

f*ck. Off.

I'm serious.

My arm?Yeah.

That's what most people do.

Sucking your bicep is like getting
someone's tongue in your hole.

Go on, give it a go.

Just around here.

Just go for it. Give it a rub first.

SIOBHAN LAUGHS

Erm...

I just got stung, I was just trying
to remove the venom.

Looks like you were shifting
your own arm.

I wasn't.

Missed you.I missed you too.

Sometimes there's no right moment.

You've just got to throw
caution to the wind,

brave up and dive right in.

I'm just covered in fish guts, so...

I don't mind.

What?It just smells
like Omega three or something.

Like what? Do you know, Omega three,
the...?Oh, the golden thing?

Yeah, the stuff they give you when
you're small...

Yeah, Mam used to give me them
all the time before school,

she said, "It'll make you really
clever," and stuff.Yeah!

There's bluefin
tuna at the end of that rope?Yeah.

How much is it worth, anyway?

,.

,?Yeah.

But we're only selling it for five.

I think I got ripped off, actually.

What do you can do as well, it is,
like, take a load of them and...

Kind of.....you cover your arse
and your farts stink of fish.

Stop, that's manky!
It does, it does!

You mean, you fart in class and the
whole place smells like fish?

Make your farts smell like fish!

Like, I've got to give
most of the money to Con's mam,

but I could take you out for dinner
or something after we get the money.

Especially the teacher, because the
teacher hears, like, a fart,

and she's like,
"It's going to stink of sh*t."

And then all of a sudden, this
waft of just pollock comes your way.

Do you have a sandwich, actually?
Yeah, hold on.

Tuna sandwich.

It's tuna.

f*ck did you get tuna for?

You all right?

Do you want some? It's...

f*ck, no.

Thanks...

..but no.

Oh, erm...

No, it's just I've got fish,
you know, all over my hands and...

Since when has sh*t on your hands
ever been a problem to you?

Usually you have Jock's
sh*t all over your hands.

What?

You've got some big mouth,
do you know that? Oops!

It was your sh*t in the hand-dryer?

I'm... I'm sorry, boy.

I didn't do it on purpose.

You never wash your hands!

It wasn't my fault you went all
hygienic that day.

Bollocks!

f*ck!

Quit messing around, Jock,
get the f*cking thing!

You do it, I'm still learning.

I'm not going in there, it smells.
Jock!

Jock, come on!All right!

Watch out for the toilet paper!

It's not toilet paper,
it's a f*cking condom.

Thanks for all the f*cking help,
boy!

"Jump in the water, Jock,
you'll the f*cking fine, Jock."

Oh, yeah, yeah, I can't even f*cking
swim... I'm f*cking freezing!

Come on, we've got
to get the tuna to Sully.

I've never seen a fish that
size before.

Give us a look at it before you go.
No, we're late.

We were meant to be their ages ago.

You know what happens
when you say no to me.

f*ck's sake.

♪ Out in the ocean
at the bottom of the sea

♪ There's a tiny little
turnip fish, having his tea

♪ All the other fish think he's
really weird

♪ All of the time he is
drinking beer

♪ That's OK

♪ It's very nice

♪ I don't care

♪ For sugar and spice

♪ He says,
"I am the turnip fish..." ♪

I don't feel too good.

Me neither.

Do you think Sully will still
buy it off from us?

I mean, like, the tale of a bluefin
tuna's got to be worth something?

That's a yellowfin tuna.

No, it's not, it's a bluefin tuna,

the yellowfin tuna aren't
worth much.

If it's a bluefin tuna,
why has it got yellow fins, so?

At least you didn't lose
a k fish.

sh*t!

I think if you steal something
from someone for someone else

but then you lose the something
you stole before you give

it to the someone else,
morally, it all kind of levels out.

Know what I mean?

You going to clean that up?

Are you here to arrest the duck?

Your mam asked me to stick around.

You shifting her?

We're just friends, OK?

She wouldn't shift him!

Shifting guards
is like shifting cousins.

Here, let me show you this
funny video I got at work, right?

These two have got to be
the biggest morons

I've seen in my entire life.

Do you actually go out of your way
to upset your mother?

Quit talking to us
like you're our da.

You're not, you know.
I'm not trying to be,

I'm just trying to stop your mother
getting hurt and I'm a guard

who's trying really hard not to
arrest you, you dumb little prick.

You could be looking at six months
in a juvenile detention centre.

If you let us off this,
you could be our da.

I don't want to be your f*cking da.

Where is she?

She's down arranging
payment for that fish you stole

so they don't press charges.

It's going to take her all
year to pay it off.

It's tough enough providing
for two kids

without having more debt
to deal with.

We were going to sell it and give
you the money to pay the bills.

I'll leave you to it.

One sec.

Sometimes you've just got to do
what's right for you.

Even if other people find it
f*cking disgusting.

Ah, yeah.

So, I'll... I'll see you tomorrow?

I guess, I suppose. And...

I'll see you, lads!

Erm...

Couldn't even steal the right
f*cking fish.

The teacher who sent us off to do
unpaid work experience said,

"Work is not all about the money."

I hate to admit it,
because he's a prick,

but I think there's
a bit of truth in that.

Can I do something?Yeah, erm...

Bag up those mussels for that girl
over there.Sure.

You see, in the criminal world,
there's a lack of community spirit.

There's just something nice about
helping people with the simple sh*t.

Like picking out their dinner.

OK, I've got that for you.

Thanks a million. Cheers.

All the usual for you?

Or having the craic was
some old fucker

you wouldn't normally
batter your hole with.

How's the missus?
She's OK, she's alive.

Same f*cking joke everyday, Tommy.

Makes you smile everyday too,
though.

You get the chance to learn
new skills.

Something that won't get you
arrested.

I got it!Got it?

There you go!

Look at him, he's professional.

If you get good at something,
I think you start to enjoy it,

even it is to do with fish.

Do you know your mother's the best
fishmonger in the country?

Oh, really?Ask anyone.

That's for yourself.

So, that's a little thank you.

See you, guys.

Thanks, Pat.Thanks.

And, yeah, people go to work
so they can get paid.

But I think sometimes the real
value of money

is not what you can buy with it...

..it's knowing how hard someone
worked to earn it.

f*ck!

Wax?

Ugh!

Fucker!