01x06 - Series 1, Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

Getting pregnant is one of those
good news/bad news kind of things.

Good news when you're getting old
and need an excuse for being fat...

What's it say?

But when you're ... sh*t! sh*t!
sh*t! sh*t! Do another.

I've done seven already.
I'm all out of pee.

This is the kind of thing you want
to be absolutely sure about

before you go telling anyone,
don't you think?

Do another.

It must be terrifying giving birth

and not knowing
who might come out of ya.

For all you know,
it could be someone like...

...Billy Murphy.

He was born mean -
he probably came out of the womb,

bit the doctor,
and then spat on his mam.

Open your legs there. What?

Open your legs, the small bit.

Billy, I don't want to be playing
no games, like. Relax, will ya?

I've great aim.

No sudden movements now, though.

ARGH, JESUS!

You moved.

Stay still this time, all right?

Tell Mam first,
she'll be cool about it.

You're f*ckin' what?!

Please don't tell Dad yet.
I can't deal with him right now.

Don't tell me what?

Nothing.

Something to do with periods, is it?

Yeah.

I'm getting good at this.

We're going out. What? Wait...

You've been hanging out with
Linda for over a month now.

You need to shift her and get it
over with. I know. I've been trying.

Hey, look, a dog taking a sh*t.

I know, Siobhan said Linda's
getting tired of waiting,

and if you don't shift her today,
she's going to shift someone else.

Look, we're taking them
to the cinema.

That's the perfect place to
slip her the tongue.

She likes you,
there's nothing to be nervous about.

Thanks.

I'll go get the drink.
I'll see you in the bus, yeah? Yeah.

Conor, where are you?

Waiting to get on the bus. Why?

You're after taking me phone.

Are you sure?

It's my phone that's in your hands,
you dickhead.

I'm calling you from Tony's.

What bus stop are you at?

How's it going?

Wait a minute.

You're that fake-faced fucker.

The name's Fake Billy,
ya fatty-face f*ck!

Are we going left or right? Left,
right, left, right? Go right.

Wah!

Stop him!

Eh!

Did you see a fella going
past here with a mask, like?

He had the head off you, actually.

Nah.

f*ck's sake.

Throw it. Use both hands.

Just throw the f*ckin' thing!

Do you want a ?

You know what, yeah, I'd love one.

See if they've got any of that
strawberry sh*t they put on top.

I hate getting the bus.

You never know what
lunatic might get on.

I'm on the top deck. Bus is about
to leave. Are you coming or what?

We're nearly there.
Just tell the driver hang on.

Hurry up!
I can't. I'm f*cking pregnant.

Siobhan says she has big news.

I think she might have got
some hash.

Class. Let's hope
she doesn't miss the bus so.

Hey, ticket!

Two secs.
I'm just lookin' for someone.

Well, I need to go,
so either pay for a ticket

or get off the bus, right?

sh*t!

What's going on?

I'm looking for the owner
of this mask.

Could whoever it is
please step forward?

Bollocks!

Hurry up!

I saw ya getting on wearing
a grey hoodie.

I just want to talk to ya about
a possible...copyright infringement.

He's got a Kn*fe.

I just realised,
I'm on the wrong bus.

Sit down a minute there a minute.

This?

I'm not going to s*ab anybody!

This is just for throwing
at me friends.

I'm not finished talking.
Look, could you shut that door?

Please, everyone,
just do as he says.

Look, will you get back in your
seat? I'm not getting a ticket.

I just want to find the owner of
this mask and then I'm getting off.

Siobhan! Linda!

Bollocks.

Can we get two child tickets,
there, please?

Get off the bus.
But our friends are upstairs.

I don't care,
get off the f*cking bus!

What's got up your hole?
We're staying on.

Here, there's a lunatic
on the bus with a Kn*fe!

Can you move?
We're going up to the top deck.

No-one's going upstairs. Sit down.

What's with everyone today?
Get out my f*cking way, will ya?

There's no need to be so rude.

I didn't f*cking curse at you,
did I?

It's not what you think!
We're only talking!

Put that Kn*fe down
and put your hands in the air.

Close the door!

Close the door!

Close the f*ckin' door!

Drive! Where to?

Just the next stop, thanks.

Hey! Open the door, hey!

Hey! Open the door.

Stop the bus, hey!

f*ck.

Get in!

Conor and Jock are on that bus.
I know! Come on! Move!

Calling all units,
this is Sergeant Healey.

We've got a problem on the number
bus route,

requesting backup immediately.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I know it wasn't f*ckin' supposed to
happen.

It wasn't supposed to f*ckin'
happen.

Are you OK?

Er...yeah. Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Glad you're OK.

Thanks.

f*ck. I'm OK, I'm OK.

We're the reason he's on this bus,
we should be the ones

to get him off. Wait!

I don't like talking to crazy people
who have knives.

It'll be grand.
He thinks we're his friends.

He's mugged me around times.

Mugging people is just Billy's
way of saying hello.

All right, lads?
What's the story? How you doing?

f*ckin' hell, am I glad to see you.

Where did you come from?

Ah, we were just drinking upstairs.

Oh, right. How are you getting on,
anyway?

Not great, to be honest. I think
I'm going to have to kidnap

a busload of people.

And all I wanted to do was find out
who owned this mask.

He's the reason
I got locked up for six months.

sh*t. f*ck.

He was wearing a grey hoodie.

Me?

Is that a joke, Billy?

Everyone knows whoever owns
that mask wears it

because they've got a melted face.

A melted face?

Yeah.

Acid.

Aye, his eye is droopy
and everything.

Do I look like
I've got a melted face?

No. Does anyone else in the bus
look like they've got a melted face?

Does anyone here got a melted face?

No! No, sir! No! No!

I'm looking for the owner
of a melted face.

Could you look at the person
sitting next to you

and see if they have a melted face?
And, if they do...

...put up your hand.

See. The reality is, whoever owns
that mask is long gone.

They probably jumped out
the emergency exit along with

other passengers who done
the same thing when they seen you

with a f*cking Kn*fe.

Yeah.

Ah, sh*t!

f*ck!

Gimme that.

You have a Guardi's
number on your phone?

Erm... He's kind of seeing me mam.

Your mam is riding a Guardi?

f*ck, no! They're too old for that.

They just watch telly together.

Hello?

Is anyone hurt?

No. Everybody's OK. There's just
been a bit of misunderstanding,

that's all. Thank you very much!

Is that Billy Murphy?

Who?

Billy Murphy? Who's he?

Look, Billy, what do you want?

How can we get everyone
safely off the bus?

I don't want anything.

Why, we're all just going on a nice
trip together, OK?

Thank you.

f*ck!

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!

I see you're pulling in.
Are you giving yourself up?

f*ck! f*ck! What are you doing?!

Someone's ringing the bell.

Who's ringing the bell?!

Could people stop ringing
the f*cking bell?!

Thank you!

Get out of my f*cking way.

Drive, drive, drive! Where to?

I don't care!
Just keep f*cking going!

Ah, for f*ck's sake!

It wasn't even full!

Breaking news.

The number bus has been
highjacked just past the roundabout

on the way out of Cork City.

We will bring you more
as the story unfolds.

What's your plan, Billy?

I don't know.
I've never done this before.

Well, you need to start negotiating.
That's what they do in the films.

If you don't, they'll try to take
you out with sn*pers.

What?

Pick up and tell him what you want.
OK.

Hello?

Billy, I'm unarmed. Would it be
OK for me to get on the bus

just to see if everyone's OK?

No. Billy isn't here.

And if you start doing that...

I'll START THROWING DEAD BODIES
OFF THE f*cking BUS, YOU c**t!

How was that? Was that OK, was it?

What the f*ck are you doing?

You told me to negotiate.

I meant, like, ask for a pizza
or something.

That's not a bad idea.
I'm actually starving.

Pizza sounds good, yeah. Delicious.

I was only messing
about the dead bodies.

Look, I'll put the Kn*fe away
if it makes you more comfortable.

Look, if I order some pizzas,
will you all have some?

You don't have to have it now
if you're not hungry.

You can bring it home
for your supper.

It's going to be free!

ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

"I'll have a " pepperoni,
and a carton of wedges.

Would you like anything to drink?
Bottle of Coke.

Will I get pepperoni for everyone,
or do we have any vegetarians?

There's always one!

So one vegetarian,
a rakeload of wedges,

ten Cokes,
and ten Club Orange?

Can I have a Tanora?

Sure.

And I'll have a bottle of milk.

Is everybody OK with that now?

Yeah, yeah.
Thanks!

Thanks, Billy.

Sh! Don't say me name!

sh*t! Sorry, Billy.

Have you got a pen?

The hijacker has put in his first
set of demands -

a large quantity of refreshments
and a bottle of milk.

This may mean there is
an infant on board.

Thank Christ they're OK.

If I'm feeling like this out here,

I can't imagine how terrifying
it must be for them on that bus.

Alcopops, anyone?

Do you get to wear
tracksuits in the prison?

Yeah, you can
kind of wear what you want.

That one's open a bit.
There you go.

You should tell him.

Here? On the bus?

It's too f*cking weird.

You're both .

It's going to be f*cking weird
no matter where you tell him.

Two seconds, actually. I think
Siobhan might have some hash.

Do you have some of that hash?
I'd love a smoke.

Did somebody say hash?

I don't have hash.

Why would you say she has hash
if she don't have hash?

I thought she had hash.
Why'd you think I have hash?

You said you had big news.

Hash isn't big news, it's f*cking
tiny compared to other stuff.

If hash is tiny news,
your news must be massive!

Come on, what is it?

I'm not telling you now.

Have you got coke?
That would be big news!

I don't have hash,
and I don't have coke.

Well, what HAVE you got?
Just drop it!

"Drop it"?

Like pills? Have you got pills?

No!
Well, what HAVE you got?

Will you stop being so secretive
and f*cking tell him, will ya?

I'm f*cking pregnant, all right?!

Holy sh*t!

Congratulations!
Oh, you're going to be a great dad!

Congratulations!

Whoo!

Well, that's brilliant, guys.
I'm really happy for you.

Say something.

How did it happen?

You put your d*ck in my fanny.
How do you think?

I know that,
but I've done that shitloads before

and no-one's ever got pregnant.

That's nice to know.

It was all before I met you.

This is a good thing.

I think.

Isn't it?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Raspberry or strawberry, love?

What the f*ck are you doing?
She's pregnant!

Sorry!

Jeez, she's allowed the one.

Mam's going to k*ll him.
Dad's going to k*ll HER.

Er, two seconds there...

Ah, f*ck.
What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Nothing.

Is there something wrong with me,
so? Is that what it is?

No. No, no.

You're perfect.

Then why won't you get with me, so?

Look, it's just I...

I feel like you're expecting
this kiss to be something special,

and I'm pretty sure
I'm going to f*ck it up.

Then why don't we just do that?

Do what?

f*ck it up.

What do you mean?

We both shift horribly,
as horribly as we possibly can.

That way, every time we shift
after that, it'll seem good.

That's actually a great idea.

All right, will you be using tongue?

Tongue, teeth, everything.
It's going to be awful!

OK!

That's disgusting!

You said awful.

Fair enough.

Ready?

This hijacking's taking forever.

Will we sing a song
to pass the time?

Sorry there,
does anyone know any sing-songs?

I'd say Conor does.
Oh, does he?

Do you know anything, fella?

He loves that fella Westlife.

You like a bit of Westlife?
I do, I do, I do!

I have one.

Oh, OK, Billy.

You should all know this one.
Feel free to join in.

♪ Do de do, do de do
Do de do, do de do...

After All,
By The Frank And Walters

Come on!

♪ Do de do, do de do
Do de do, do de do

♪ Do de do, do de do, do de do
Da da da da da da da

♪ After all, I really love you

♪ Do de do, do de do
Do de do, do de do

♪ After all that
we've been through

♪ Do de do, do de do, do de do
aaah

♪ I know that we fight, and
our love gets pushed to the side

♪ Aaah

♪ Still it ends all right

♪ After all, I really need you... ♪

Is that singing?

♪ I don't know how
I'd live without you... ♪

I think so, yeah.

♪ Aaaaah ♪

♪ The days, they go by, and you're
always there on my side... ♪

♪ Aaaaah ♪

♪ Girl, I'm glad you're mine

♪ There are times
I get distracted, girl

♪ By the ways and workings
of this world

♪ Yet I think of you
as my life's shrine

♪ And I'm glad that I'm yours
and you're mine

♪ Bah bah bah
Badaba bah bah bah badaba

♪ Bah bah bah
Badaba bah bah bah badaba

♪ Bah bah bah
Badaba bah bah bah badaba

♪ Bah bah bah
Badaba bah bah bah badaba

♪ Bah bah bah
Badaba bah bah bah badaba

♪ Bah bah bah
Badaba bah bah bah badaba

♪ That I'm yours and you're mine. ♪

Does anybody need to go toilet?

Come on, come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!

The number bus is heading towards
the Cork-Waterford border.

It's only a matter of time before
this hijacker runs out of road.

Come on, we need to get
ahead of the bus.

Can we go down...? No. OK.
No. This way.

I feel sorry for him.

You feel sorry for Billy?

I'm not saying he's an angel,
but after this

he'll probably get life imprisonment
for just being stupid.

Round the tree...

...and into the hole.

For f*ck's sake!

Look up ahead!

Drive around them!

I can't, there's no room.

Then reverse!

We're blocked both ways.

The h*jacked bus has now hit
a Gardai blockade

just on the far side
of the Cork-Waterford border.

There are no known casualties
at this time.

Billy, you've reached your stop.
It's time to get off the bus.

I have a return ticket,
thank you very much.

What am I going to do?

There's only two options, really.

What are they?

Option one - give yourself up
and go to prison.

f*ck that, I'd rather die
than go back there.

What's option two?

Die.

What's option one again?

Not die.

We'll all tell them
you were a nice kidnapper.

Thanks very much,
I appreciate that.

Do you know what?

I really enjoyed today.

I'll see you all in about
to years' time, yeah?

Take care, Billy.

See you, Billy.

Mind yourself.

All the best, Billy.

Tell your mam I was asking for her.

f*ck it.

I think I have a third option,

but I'm going to need everyone's
help. Are you up for it?

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, all right.

Billy!

Can you hear me?

We hear you, Billy.

I'm going to throw out my Kn*fe,
and then, if you put down your g*ns,

I'll come out with my hands up.
OK? No sh**ting, now, you promise?

OK, we promise.

I'm Billy Murphy!

No, I'm Billy Murphy!

No, I'm Billy Murphy!

I'm Billy Murphy!

I'm Billy Murphy!

Are you sure you saw
Billy Murphy on that bus,

or could it have been someone else
in a mask?

I'm not going crazy, OK?
I saw him here.

So where is he, so?
I don't know.

I'm Billy Murphy.

I think even nutjobs like
Billy Murphy have reasons

for being the way they are.

I'm not saying all the nasty sh*t
he does is OK,

but you have to wonder...

...if someone loved him just
a little bit when he was a kid,

would he have turned out different?

I'm so happy you're OK. I'm never
going to fight with you again.

Huh. Let's see how long that lasts.

She's pregnant?!
You f*cking idiot!

Behind me, a mother screams for joy
with the safe return of her son.

How does it feel to
have your boys back safe?

Just wonderful.

And she just found out she's
going to be a granny, too.

You're not my son.
I didn't adopt you.

Stop the car!

Linda!

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

Emotions are running high here after
such a traumatic experience.

There goes another!